Quantum Xander
Journals
by Jameschick

Spike



Be aware that these journals are almost entirely
spoilers for the Series, including Quantum
Xander 1 and Quantum Xander 2.

The entries taken from Quantum Xander 2 are placed in order they were
written rather than in the order they appear in the story.



QX1 Part 34 QX1 Part 42 QX1 Part 43 QX1 Part 47

QX1 Part 51 QX2 Part 13 QX2 Part 5 Bottom

The following is from Quantum Xander 1.

Part 34

So, here I am, William the Bloody with a soddin’ journal. Well, I ain’t gonna write in it like some bloody chit. So I’ll just make like I’m writing this ’cause I plan on letting you read it at some point, okay love?

Xander, I don’t know what possessed you to help me, but I am deeply grateful to you. You will never know how close to the end I was, how easily I could have given up hope on ever having a better life. You saved me. Poncy as it sounds, I owe you my unlife.

I can’t tell you all the things that I’ve been through; reliving them just isn’t in the cards for me right now. Might just send me right around the bend to think of some of it. The lesser extent of the damage, you already know. I was raped, beaten, tortured, mutilated. I’ve had things inside me that no vampire should ever have inside them, crosses, holy water, stakes, UV lights.

You’re probably wondering right now what’s going on between us, wish I could tell you. Truth is I don’t know. I know I want you, I need you - so bloody much I’m afraid of what will happen when you realize how pathetic I am and decide you’re better off without me. I know that I don’t deserve you, but I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you with me as long as I can.

Since this is my book, and I don’t have to let you read this unless I want to, I can admit to myself in here that I love you. Don’t know when it happened exactly, but I do. Won’t tell you though, too scared of running you off.

You’ve given me back my life, my freedom. You gave me safety, security, loyalty and friendship. You gave me the sun, Xander; words can’t express what that means to me, hopefully someday I’ll be able to show you. You make me whole; with you I want to write bloody poetry and read it to you in bed. I used to be a poet, back before I was changed. You bring out the man in me, Xander. That’s a good thing.

When I made love to you - and that is what I did - it was because I wanted to, wanted you. I hope you know that it wasn’t just sex, that I wasn’t using you. I wouldn’t, not you - not ever. I’m not ready to let you take me, but it’s not because I don’t want you, it’s just that I’m afraid. Yeah, that’s right. The Big Bad is afraid. They hurt me, love. They hurt me so badly I don’t know if I’ll ever recover. I hope you can understand that, and that you’ll be patient.

Meeting you as a vampire has been an enlightening experience - you make a bloody gorgeous demon, love. A part of me wants to turn you so badly it makes my teeth itch. My demon screams out for you. Not because I want to kill you, because I want to claim you, keep you forever. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you now. I need you so bloody much it scares me. The rest of me though, well, the rest of me wants you forever as well, but as you are, warm and human and so bloody perfect. I love dipping into your body, feeling all that heat surrounding me, holding me tight. Bloody amazing. Don’t want to give that up any time soon, or at all.

I know you’re eager to get home, to get back to your mates and all, but I hope we don’t get there too soon. I don’t want to share you just yet; I’m selfish that way. I like having you all to myself, holding you close, watching you sleep. I’m afraid I’ll lose you when we get to your world. To your friends, your life, your Spike. He must realize what a fine man you are, even if he doesn’t say anything. I’m jealous of myself, bloody ironic, innit?

You gave me so much, my life, my freedom, your trust, your… innocence. You give and give, Xander. And I take and take. What the hell do you get out of this? I’m no prize, pet. I know that. Wasn’t when I was human, nor after I was turned - Angelus wanted to stake me so many times it wasn’t funny, even worse now. I can’t even be a proper vampire, can’t protect you from other humans.

Worthless. That’s what I am. I won’t tell you that though, figure it out on your own sooner or later. Me, I’m hoping for later. I want to have as much time with you as I can before it all gets blown to shit. Don’t know what I’ll do then, just wait for the dawn I suppose; ring comes off, after all.

The following is from Quantum Xander 1.

Part 42

Well, luv. You’ve just left to meet the ponce, and can I say how bloody difficult it was to send you away after you told me you loved me? Honestly, if I didn’t need the time to get my head on straight, you’d be in this bed with me instead of this stupid bloody book.

Christ I love you. You always seem to know what I want, what I need. Tonight, I needed to hear that you loved me, that I was worth being loved. You gave me that, a sense of worth. I hate being weak, being needy, but I feel safe with you, safe enough to cry in your arms and not feel ashamed for having done it. Only felt that way one other time in my life, and that was before I was turned, and I was just a child then.

Never trusted anyone since I was turned, I couldn’t. Demons just aren’t a trustworthy lot. Look at my Sires; Angelus fucked off on me, and Dru kept lifting her skirts for anything with or without a pulse - horns and slime only made it more enticing. Never knew a human I wanted to trust, not until you.

Seeing that other me tonight, fuck. I lost it, went inside myself to escape. He’s me; about four months, maybe, after you found me. He’s what I would be if not for you. I can see it in his eyes, smell it in his scent. He reeks of them, Finn, and his boys. I’m surprised Angel can’t smell it, maybe he can.

I don’t want to think about the past, remember the pain, the humiliation and feeling of hopelessness. I may be a soulless demon, luv, but those humans could give the devil himself lessons in torture. I wonder why Angel hasn’t put the poor bugger down? He should. Death would be a release, I know, I craved it myself and I wasn’t near as bad off as he is. Poof better hope I don’t get a minute alone with him, I will stake him. He wants it; it’s all he wants now. Just an end to the pain.

I’m afraid to close my eyes, I can feel them in my head, they want to hurt me, break me, use me up and leave me torn and bleeding. It was a game to them, you know. It was never about training me, like he said to you. Undead houseboys, yeah, right.

You know they skinned me once? Peeled me like a fucking apple. I screamed, I’ll admit. Wouldn’t you? One long strip from shoulder to wrist, both sides. Then my legs, ankle to thigh. They laughed while they did it; couple of ’em even jerked off onto my skinless chest and back once it was all finished. I could still smell them, under my skin when it grew back. I had to cut it off again myself to wash away the filth. Wasn’t easy, I couldn’t reach my back, I ended up pouring holy water on it to burn the skin away.

Shouldn’t have told you that. Too much for you to have to bear. You’ll think I’m crazy, barmy as Dru. Might be - for all I know, I am sitting in Angel’s hotel, wearing a straightjacket and hallucinating that this is all real.

Oh. Fuck. Shouldn’t have even let myself think that. Shit, Xander. Come back. I need to see you, need to know I’m not crazy. You can take me, fuck me, anything, just let me know you’re real. I can’t do this if you’re not real.

What if I’m still in Sunnyhell? Tied down somewhere with that bastard Finn rearranging my innards? Wouldn’t be a first, carve me open, take something out, put it back in wrong. Just to see if it would fix itself. ’Course, only way to know for sure was to cut me open again in a day or two.

What the hell did I ever do to deserve this? Yeah, I killed people, I’m a vampire, damn it. They were my food. I didn’t torture them, didn’t shred them into tiny little pieces just for fun. I was never this cruel, this heartless. And I’m a soulless monster. What does that say for the soul-having community at large? When a monster shows more compassion than they do?

Xander, come home. Back to the hotel, back to me. Please. Oh God, please. I want you. I need you so badly. Too scared to go find you, don’t know this place yet, he could be out there, waiting for me. Need you, love, need you so bloody bad.

I can feel the hopelessness welling up inside me again. I’ve been lost for so long, love. So long that I can hardly believe I’m not anymore. I’m not, right? This is real? You. And me. You and me? Oh fuck, Xander, hurry back, hurry love. I need you. Scared, so bloody scared without you.

The following is from Quantum Xander 1.

Part 43

The sun is up and you’re still here. I guess I’m not crazy then eh, luv? Still wish that I wasn’t so fucking broken though. You leave me alone for an hour and I lose my mind.

You look like an angel when you sleep. All soft and pure, innocent-like. I wonder how you could possibly love me, how you could see anything of worth in this broken vessel. But you do, you do and it amazes me. I can feel your love like a tangible thing, like I can reach out and touch it. It makes me want to shout out to the world that I, William the Bloody, am the luckiest demon to ever walk God’s green earth because I am loved by the purest soul I’ve ever known.

I wish I could tell you how much I love you, Xander. I just don’t have the words. For a former poet, that’s pretty lame isn’t it? Then again, I never claimed to be a good poet, now did I? Since I don’t have the words, I’ll have to prove myself by my actions. That, I’ve always been good at. I’ll show you love, with every touch, with every kiss, that I love you. That you are the only thing in this world - the next world, or the next thousand worlds we visit that matters. You, Xander, are my everything.

Christ! I sound like a soppy git. I just read over what I wrote, and while I can’t say it isn’t true, it isn’t exactly flattering to the old image now is it? Then again, I don’t exactly have an image anymore do I? I look like William, who looked just like any other poor sod off the street.

Fuck, I want to kiss you. I look at you, all warm and alive, your mouth is slack in sleep and if I lean in I can feel your breath on my face. I want to press my lips to yours, have that sweet mouth open under mine and invite me in. I want to feel your tongue as it tangles with my own, twisting around inside my mouth. I want to tangle my hands into your hair and pull you impossibly closer as I deepen our kiss, hear you moan into my mouth, feel it vibrate through my entire being.

Damn you can kiss, luv. I ever tell you that? I don’t who you practiced on, but I’m torn between wanting to tear out their throat for ever having been touched by you in that fashion and thanking them for giving you the experience. You’re the only person who’s ever made me hard from just a kiss, Xander. The only one who ever kissed me like I mattered.

I’m giving you two minutes, luv. Two minutes to wake up on your own. After that it’s ‘all bets are off’ and I kiss you whether you’re awake or not. I’m going out of my mind just sitting here and watching you, hearing you, and not touching you, tasting you. I need you, Xander; I need to be in your arms. I need to be in your heart, your mind, your body and soul. I need you to wake up before I go completely insane!

The following is from Quantum Xander 1.

Part 47

Tonight was good. Woke up with my Xan cuddled in my arms, all warm and toasty, had a little while to just lay there and enjoy the feeling without worrying about being a ponce. Then we went over the hotel to start in on day two of torturing the soldier git. A fun time was had by all.

God, my pet bloody amazes me! For a white hat, he has some wickedly cruel ideas in his head. Hells, even Angelus was impressed by him. And that’s saying quite a bit; my sire doesn’t impress easily.

Xander never even balked once throughout the whole thing. Not when Angelus poured acid on Finn or when he pulled off his fingernails, not even when he rammed the hot poker up his ass. Hells, even I was a bit nauseated by the smell of that; burnt flesh and excrement, not a nice aroma.

The boy seems to have a particular fondness for pulling Finn’s teeth. I think he’s got all of them now. Kept them too. Don’t know why, souvenirs I guess. Like that about him, sentimental fool.

I guess I’ve been avoiding the real issue here though. Threw me for a fucking loop, what happened tonight. Angel- Angelus more likely - slit the bastard’s wrists and let that other Spike and I drain him. Dead as a fucking post. Not for long though, he turned him. By tomorrow night, Finn’ll wake up with a demon in him. But that’s not the best part, oh no. Angel is gonna give the bastard his soul back.

So yeah, I’m thinking he’s coming dangerously close to losing himself here. I mean, I understand the reasoning behind it, but he could be in serious jeopardy of losing his redemption, his promise of mortality. I wonder if I should stop him, make him stake the bastard and get on with his unlife. Bloody Finn shouldn’t get to have that kind of power over him, be allowed to screw with his redemption; he isn’t worth it.

And why am I sitting here brooding over Angel? Good question, that. Wish I knew. Seeing him though, the way he is with my double… It stirs up a longing in me, one I thought was long dead and buried. I miss the days when my Angelus was my world. He was everything to me back then: my father, my lover, my God. Then those fucking Gypsies took him from me. I thought I had gotten past all that, that I hated the fucker now. Guess not as much as I thought.

I never knew how much of my sire is still in there, hiding behind the soul and the guilt. He’s still there though, just buried beneath the surface. I wonder what happened to my Angel, if he’s okay. I hope so, God I hope so. Just the thought of him at the mercy of the Initiative… No. Buffy stills loves Angel, she’d never let that happen. At least I hope not.

Maybe I should ask Xander to talk to Angel. Get him to make the blighter understand the concept of enough is enough. Spike’ll be okay I think, given enough time and encouragement. He tasted Finn’s death, same as I. Nothing more can be gotten from dragging this out. Angel would be better served concentrating on getting him better than continuing his plans for revenge. Yeah, I’ll get my Xan to talk to him. Maybe we both should.

My pet’s sleeping; bloody worn out, he is. Not surprising though, it’s been a hell of a couple days here. Torturing someone can really wear you out. Not to mention that I wasn’t exactly gentle with him once we got home. I have to remember that the boy’s only human, can’t fuck him like that too often or I’ll likely kill him. But, bloody hell what a shag that was!

I haven’t felt this much like my old self in years. Not since I became the property of the US military. Amazing what a little revenge can do for you, even when it’s just revenge by proxy. Christ, it felt good though, telling Angelus and my pet what to do to him and having it done. Like having minions again, not that I’d ever tell Angel that - likely to earn myself a good beating if I ever did. Never call my boy that either; if I could turn him, he’d be a childe - my first - not a minion, never that. Not that there’s even a point to thinking about turning Xan, with this fucking chip in my head.

‘Course that brings me to wonder just what the hell’s gonna happen to us. He’s human, supposed to be my food or a vessel to house a demon should he be worthy of turning. I’m a vampire - a demon for fuck’s sake. I’m not supposed to fall in love with a human. Did though, didn’t I? So now what? I mean, if I turn him - if I ever get this chip out - he won’t be the man I fell in love with, the man who risked his life to save mine, the man who stood bloody and smiling at me after cutting soldier boy’s nads off. The man who looked at me with such love and longing as I slowly slid his length inside myself. That’s the man I fell in love with, the one I want for eternity. A demon with Xander’s face just wouldn’t be the same.

It’s so bloody frustrating! Demons just weren’t meant to love humans. Unless you have a soul that is; then you fall for little blonde girls with super strength. Look how well that turned out for the old poof. She’s still shagging psychos and he’s brooding in L.A. See? Demons and humans just don’t work. It’s against the laws of nature, against the rules of society or something. Then again, when did I ever follow the rules?

The following is from Quantum Xander 1.

Part 51

Well, luv, we’ve been here a couple of days now and I still don’t know what’s going on. You won’t talk to me and I’m starting to get a bit worried. I wish you would tell me what’s eating you up inside; I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me.

After you got back from the poof’s yesterday, you seemed okay. Told me how they were all normal, working at their little detective agency. That Angel was his usual uptight self with you.

What does it mean, love? Are we back in your reality? If so, why are we still in L.A.? I don’t fancy the idea of going back to the hellmouth anytime soon, but it seems to me that we won’t learn anything sticking around here. Why don’t you wanna go home?

Your nightmares are getting worse, Xan. You wake up screaming every time you fall asleep. I don’t know what’s going on for sure but I have my suspicions. You keep telling me that you’re sorry, that it’s all your fault. It isn’t. Whatever it is you think you’ve done, it’s not your fault, love.

You saved me, you took me away from that hellish existence; you loved me, you gave me back my pride, my sanity, my unlife. I owe you so much more than I can ever repay you for. I love you, pet. I just wish you would tell me what was wrong.

If it’s me, something I’ve done, I’ll fix it if I can. Is it because of Angel? Because we shagged him? Do you think I love you any less because of it? I told you I didn’t. We talked about this yesterday, you said you understood. Did you, or were you just humoring me? Won’t shag anyone else for any reason if you don’t want me to. I was only trying to help Angelus; I’m still his childe no matter what reality.

Bloody hell! This is so damn frustrating. I don’t do patience well, you know this. I’m trying, you know. Trying to give you time, to let you deal with this but it’s not in my nature. You. Are. Mine. And I protect what’s mine. I can’t protect you from your own thoughts, your own conscience. Damn it Xander, I wish you would talk to me.

The following is from Quantum Xander 2 when Xander read the other Spike’s Journal.

This entry is from the night after Quantum Xander 1 - Part 38.

Part 13

Oh love, where do I start? We just got back from seeing the you and me of this reality. I gotta say, the idea of you married to a robot - a sex bot of all things - just bloody well kills me!

I can understand the why of it, I mean you - or rather the alterna-you - wanted to keep Dawn safe and in Sunnydale, but it’s completely fucking ludicrous, you gotta admit. How much of a wanker was I in this world? Building a shag toy? What, he wasn’t capable of getting a leg over with anything real - human or demon? And how in the hell did he afford it? I mean something like that has got to cost, eh? You’d think he’d put the money to better use - like getting the buggering chip out or something. A Buffybot. A slayer-shaped sex toy. Fuckin’ hell, how pathetic.

I can see it too, him and her - it - together. Probably had her programmed to do all sorts of stupid shit like pretend to stake him and then not follow through cause she “loves” him too much. Probably had her programmed to hate Angel, too. Wanker.

I asked him, the other me, if he and the other you ever messed around with the bot. You probably don’t want to hear it, but they do. Only occasionally though, when the girl is staying over at her friend’s place or something.

I can’t help but laugh. The very idea of you and me screwing a robot together, I mean why the hell would I want to stick my cock into that when I have you? Not to mention the possible fire hazards! Bloody hell, I’d be afraid the stupid thing would short out and crush my bits to pulp.

Could you see it? You, me, and a robot in bed, all sweaty and writhing. Things heat up a little too much and then there are sparks flying everywhere and the very combustible vampire has to hide under the bed while you put the bot out. Not on. I’ll stick with the real deal, ta muchly.

Can’t quite get over the way those two are with each other anyway, though. I mean, yeah, the spell was on Xander and all, but do you really think they’ll work out? They just don’t seem as committed as you and I. Well, Spike is. He’s in love all right, but your other self doesn’t get it. Hope he smartens up before he loses him. But enough of them, no point in wasting time on them when I could be spending time with you love. Love you, Xander.

The following is from Quantum Xander 2 when Souled Spike read the other Spike’s Journal.

These entries are from the night before Quantum Xander 1 - Part 62.

Part 5

I don’t know what deity I have to thank for you, who it is that looks out for helpless vampires, but I owe them a bloody lot of gratitude. I still can’t believe you’re mine. That you agreed to mate with me has filled my dead heart with a joy that I’ve never experienced in my long life. Not even Dru made me feel this way and she was my sire.

I’m just sitting here in the dark watching you sleep, seeing my claim on your neck and I feel like I’m going to explode I’m so full of... don’t even know how to explain it. Just knowing that you’re mine, body and soul, it does things to me. Makes me wish I could shout it out to the world; that Xander Harris loves me enough to bind himself to me forever.

So, what the hell am I doing sitting in a chair watching you sleep when I could be in that bed with you? Holding you? Never said I was the smartest demon around.

If you ever read this, Xander, just know that you’ve made me the happiest I’ve ever been. If I had been cursed with a soul, I would have lost it the moment you looked into my eyes and told me you loved me. If I’m dusted tomorrow, I’ll go a happy man. Everything I’ve been through has been worth it, because it led me to you. I love you Xander.

The things I want to do to you, Xander you have no idea. Tonight? That was just the tip of the iceberg of what I have in store. Spanking your ass ’til it was nice and pink was fun, but someday, oh someday I’m gonna spank you ‘til you’re raw and begging for me to stop. Then I’m gonna spank you just a little bit more.

Seeing you spread-eagled on the bed, cuffed to the headboard and at my mercy, bloody hell you have no idea what that does to me. You’re so beautiful love, so hot. I could look at you forever; see you stare at me with lust and love and longing in your eyes, watch your cock dripping for me, wanting to taste you - you taste exquisite - but making myself wait, knowing it’ll be that much better when I finally give in.

I want to get you a piercing, a good sturdy hoop through your nipple. You’ll love it; I promise. I think silver would look lovely against your tanned skin. Something I can play with, make you squirm and beg for more. You’re so responsive, Xan; the way you took to the whip was unbelievable.

Can’t wait ‘til I can use it on you proper like. Teasing and soft touches are all good and fun and I know it was torture for you, feeling the softness of the leather as I dragged it over your skin, as I trailed it down between your legs. I knew the cock ring would come in handy; can’t have you soiling my new toy. I wonder though, will you use it on me if I ask you? Would you tie me down and whip my back, my ass, mark me? Make me bleed for you? I’d love it, you know. To bleed for you, to beg for you.

‘Course, turn about’s fair play, innit? I’d want to do all those things to you as well. Would you let me? Would you beg for me so prettily? Call me master? I’d do it for you, be your willing slave. Would you bleed for me, Xander? I love the way you taste; your blood calls to me, makes me hard just thinking about it. I love the way you taste when you cum.

I don’t know what we’re going to face tomorrow when we go looking for the Master, but I do know that with you by my side, I can face anything.

That was the last recorded entry from Brunet Spike’s Journal in
Quantum Xander 1 and 2.

Spike wrote more in Quantum Xander 2, but what he wrote is not
recorded by Jameschick.

If Jameschick writes more, I’ll update…



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