Quantum Xander
Journals
by Jameschick

Xander



Be aware that these journals are almost entirely
spoilers for the Series, including Quantum
Xander 1 and Quantum Xander 2.



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The following is from Quantum Xander 1.

Part 2

I got up this morning and showered in one reality and then found myself in another by the time I was dressed. I’m not sure what is causing me to shift or how long I’ll stay in one place. It’s kinda scary.

The first place was bad, no Buffy, no Willow. Hell, I was a vampire! Thank God I didn’t meet myself. Apparently Angelus still reigns there and he turned me. The new slayer, Deanna, was okay. Nice kid, chip on her shoulder though. A bit like Faith. Speaking of Faith, she was doing the Slayer gig in Europe. Apparently a new hellmouth opened in France.

This place is better. Everyone is here and breathing. Except for Spike, but he’s undead, so not a problem. The wiggy thing is… I’m gay in this world. And Spike is my, his, this Xander’s lover. I never thought about Spike that way, even when I was considering my sexuality, I never thought about Spike. Gah! Could be worse I suppose, could be Angel! shudder

Giles has asked me to stay here - good thing too, cause Spike looked like he wanted to be the filling in a Xanderwich. Thank God my other self was not into that idea.

Anya is married to the G-man here. Strange, huh? I can see it though, they’d be kinda cute together. I’m just glad she’s happy in this reality, I hurt her so much in mine. If I ever get home, I’ll find a way to make it up to her. I’m sorry I hurt her. Oh my God! I wonder if she did this? Is she all vengeancy again? Is this my punishment? What if I never get home? I should talk to the Anya of this world, see what she thinks.

I just want to go home. I miss my friends, my job, my apartment. I miss scooby meetings, pizza night with Buffy and Dawn. I even miss playing pool and drinking beer at The Bronze with Spike. I must really be homesick.

The following is from Quantum Xander 1.

Part 3

Three weeks. I’ve been in this world for three weeks and it has been three weeks too long. Know why I say that? It’s because I’ve gotten used to seeing myself kiss Spike. It doesn’t shock me anymore and it really should. But they’re just like… normal. They act the same way any gay couple would - well except for the fact that Spike and Xan (what Spike calls my other self) are more into PDA’s than Wills and Tara are.

The worst part is that I have to admit that they seem good for each other. This Xander is happy - way happier than I was with Anya. Which brings me to another point. Giles and Anya. Damn. They belong together, like really belong together. I know what Happy Anya looks like, and she is so happy with Giles that it makes my heart hurt. I could never have given her that kind of joy. He’s given her such a real sense of humanity; she doesn’t even make blunt public requests for orgasms. Though, Spike tells me she used to, and that it was quite entertaining.

There doesn’t seem to be much difference between this world and my own, other than my latent homosexuality and the Anya/Giles thing. Everything is basically the same. Buffy and Angel dated, he lost his soul, got it back, moved away. Faith went bad, went to jail. Spike got chipped, came here for help. Glory came, Buffy died, Wills brought her back. Same as my world.

I have wanted to ask Xander how he and Spike got together, but I don’t want to have that conversation in front of Spike. I’m hoping to get him alone for a bit today. He’s going to meet me for lunch at the Doublemeat Palace. Speaking of which, I have to go or I’ll be late.

The following is from Quantum Xander 1.

Part 5

Well, my double in this world is a pretty forgiving guy. Not only is there the whole Faith issue, but he gets along with Angel, too. I really can’t understand why; I mean he’s still the same brooding, guilty, jackass that he is back home.

I met Willow today. She and Oz have been making the L.A. club circuit. Get this: Willow dropped out of college to become a full-time groupie. It’s way weird. She doesn’t act like my Wills. Apparently she was quite miffed at me because I never returned her affection in high school. That’s what Faith and my double tell me, anyway. She hooked up with Oz and hasn’t been the same since. She doesn’t do the witchy thing anymore - she stopped after restoring Angel’s soul. I think she’s a werewolf, but no one knows for sure. She and Oz don’t come around much.

Oz is different here too. He’s much more aggressive than my version. It’s like he’s embraced the wolf. Made it a part of him. He and Angel get in the same room and it’s like a pissing contest. Alpha male style.

It’s weird here. There is no Anya, no Tara, no Buffy, and no Dawn. Oh, and speaking of which, Faith has a kid sister. Her name is Hope. She is the ‘Dawn’ of this world. She’s a cutie, but she’s not… Dawn. Too short, almost black hair, and the darkest brown eyes you’ve ever seen. It’s obvious that she is Faith’s sister, they act the same.

Faith- where do I start? She is NOTHING like the girl that tried to kill us all. She’s sweet. She cares about people, about me - my double that is. Giles is her father; he adopted her and Hope. He’s happy. It’s kinda bizarre to see him act all parental around Faith. Just goes to show you that everyone has the potential to be good.

I don’t hate it here, but I hope I leave soon. It’s just too strange, too opposite of everything I’m used to. I wonder if Dru left Spike in this world, too? That’s another thing that bothers me. Spike killed Buffy. I know she was a different person in this world, but the thought of him having his ‘one good day’ and killing my friend has always bothered me. In this world it’s done. Then again, in this world he never loved her. I hope that makes a difference back home. I know that someday the chip will stop working. I just hope we don’t all die when it does.

I’ve only been here for four days. I’ve been staying with Xander as Faith and Hope both live with Giles. It’s peculiar; he looks like me, but we are so different. He works in an electronics store. He is the top sales guy, has a nice apartment, drives a pickup truck, and collects antique weapons. He never dated the fabulous Ms. Chase or made out with Willow. He has a perfectly normal 9 to 5 life. He just happens to date the slayer.

On that note, might I add that he and Faith are good as a twosome? They are. It is freakishly weird to see them together. When I think of Faith and me, I remember the feel of her hands on my throat, the lack of air and the dizziness that followed. But when I look at this Xander with this Faith, I see a happy couple who are so desperately in love it almost makes me sick. It’s like watching Buffy and Angel before all the angst, or Buffy and Riley before the Initiative turned out to be the bad guys.

Last night, she and Hope came over to watch movies with Xander. I guess they do this every week - family night. I tried to leave. I said I’d go visit with Giles to give them some privacy. They insisted that I stay. I sat through four hours of chick flicks, hand holding, and mushy sentiments.

Okay, I changed my mind. I hate it here, and I want to go home!

The following is from Quantum Xander 1.

Part 6

I don’t know where I am or what I’m going to do. This world is not a friendly place. When I opened my eyes after the dizziness passed… God. The sight, the smell… All those bodies. I will never forget it as long as I live. Which may not be long judging from this place. It looks like a war zone.

I haven’t seen any people. Then again, I haven’t seen any demons either. Other than those bodies. I don’t know what to make of it yet. I found a crypt to hole up in. Hopefully I won’t be here long. I don’t think I want to know how things are different here. I imagine hell looks a lot like this place does.

I don’t want to die here, where no one will even know who I was. I want to go home. I want to see my Willow again, have her slap my arm and tell me I’m being silly. I want to have Buffy kick my ass while she trains; I don’t care if I bruise for a month. I want to take Dawnie to the mall and buy her everything she smiles at. I want to watch Giles polish the lenses off his glasses as he explains why the world is going to end this week. I want to have an argument with Spike; one where we call each other creative names and smile at the inventiveness of the other. I want to tell Anya I’m sorry, that I never meant to hurt her.

The following is from Quantum Xander 1.

Part 7

This place is worse than I thought. Acathla was set free here; I guess Angelus wasn’t stopped in time. I found Willow. Gods… she isn’t there, ya know? I was captured, taken prisoner. I don’t know what’s gonna happen to me. From what I’ve learned, humans are kept for entertainment and food. The entertainment comes in two forms, fighting - against demons or other humans - and sex. I’ll die first.

If I thought it was oogy knowing that my alternate was doing the naked mambo with Spike, you can imagine how I feel about this. At least Spike looks human. He’s not so bad once you get to know him, and from what Xan says, he’s a totally different person with him. The Big Bad thing is just his cover. These guys? They’re disgusting. I’ve only seen a couple different types, nothing I recognize, but eewww! I’d shag Spike willingly compared to them. Hells, I’d shag Angel! Blech!

I’m in a holding pen of some sort. I’ve been separated from Wills and the others that I was with. I’m not sure why, but I know it can’t be good. A man was just taken from the room a few minutes ago, and he wasn’t going to fight - if you get my drift.

This place is a nightmare. I want to go home. I swear the first thing I’m going to do when I get home is drive to L.A. and punch Angel in the face. Damn stupid vampire! What the FUCK was he thinking? I knew there was a reason for my hating him.

I can’t help but wonder where Buffy was when Angelus was opening the portal. I mean, she should have stopped him right? She did back home, so what happened here? Did Spike double-cross her? Did Angelus kill her? So many damn possibilities, and no way to know for sure. I’m afraid to find out what other possible nastiness awaits me. There have been so many close calls, so many apocalypses… apocalypti? Whichever.

The following is from Quantum Xander 1.

Part 8

So far I have had to fight ten times. I hate it here. I’ve had to kill demons before, but not like this. These creatures were pathetic, harmless things that didn’t want to be here anymore than I do. It’s almost as bad as killing a human being.

Don’t get me wrong, I want to survive this. I will kill if I have to; I just don’t want to. They are slowly killing me anyway - at least that’s how it feels. I haven’t seen Willow since that first day. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. I mean, she looks like Wills, but she isn’t. She’s empty, hollow; nothing there but a husk. I feel bad that I’m almost relieved to not have to look at her.

I spend almost all of my time in this cage. They take me out to fight in the pen and afterwards they bring me back here. Wherever here is. I wish I’d paid more attention in school, then I might know what to compare this place to. It’s not unlike the Coliseum, but it isn’t the same as that either.

The pen where the fights take place is disgusting. It reeks of decay and there are bodies piled up the corners. I know if I die, I won’t end up there; the only bodies there are demon. No, if I die here, I’ll end up something’s dinner. It’s that thought, among the many others that keeps me going. I refuse to be food.

I remember taunting Spike about how biteable I am: “moist and delicious“ is what I told him. He finally sneered out that I was a real nummy treat. Gods, what was I thinking? Telling a demon, even a chipped one, that I would be a good meal is suicidal. I must remember to tell Spike that I take it back. I’m NOT biteable. No numminess at all! That is, if I ever get home.

This place is like something out of a nightmare. At night, or whatever passes for it around here, I hear the screams. The ones that aren’t entertaining enough for the pens - the men, the women, hells, I think some of them are children - I hear them scream and beg for death. They won’t find it. Not until they are so used up that they are no fun anymore. When they refuse to scream, when they stop fighting back, that’s when they may finally find death. But then again, maybe not.

I know in my heart, that Willow was one of them once. One of the unlucky ones. It kills me. I refuse to think about it when I hear the screams. If I don’t block it out, if I even once envision her screaming like that, I will go mad. I have to keep my wits if I’m going to survive this place long enough to shift.

The following is from Quantum Xander 1.

Part 9

Riley owns Spike. Riley owns Spike, and no one here seems to be bothered by that fact. Buffy, who dated a vampire, is now dating a man who owns a vampire. Giles, a man who has many times threatened to stake Spike but never will as long as he remains harmless, who I know watched Passions with Spike - faithfully I might add - is not bothered by the fact that Spike is essentially a slave. Willow and Tara - two of the kindest, most soft-hearted people I know - are not bothered by this? Willow? A Jewish Wicca is okay with the owning of a sentient being?

Okay. I wrote it down, I read and re-read it and it still doesn’t make sense. These are not the people I know. My friends would not stand for this. Okay Spike is… well he’s Spike - a demon, an evil soulless thing. Yeah. An evil soulless thing that risked his life to save a frightened young girl from a hell God, that endured hours of torture from said hell God for the same young girl. An evil fiend that has saved my ass on more than one occasion when he could have let me die. How evil is that? How evil is a guy who laughs at Monty Python and watches Saturday morning cartoons?

Spike may be a demon, he may be soulless and evil, but I’ve seen him do things for the people he loves that souled beings wouldn’t risk. He fought through a mob for Dru, knights on horseback and a hell God for Buffy and Dawn. He’s saved Willow and Tara from countless beasties. He befriended Anya when she needed someone to talk to. Someone who would understand all that she had lost by becoming human. Spike is evil, but he’s my friend. I won’t leave him to this fate.

The following is from Quantum Xander 1.

Part 11

I don’t like the way Giles and Riley interact with each other. Earlier today, when I asked about Dawn and Glory, they shared this… look. I didn’t like it then, and the more I think about it, the less I like it now. Dawn was killed here; therefore, Buffy didn’t have to die to save the world. I just don’t like the coincidence.

I was told that Dawn was killed on the way home from school. I never found out how, since Buffy began to cry. That was when I saw the “look“. I think Riley and Giles are behind her death. I know it doesn’t sound right, but this is NOT my Giles. This man is someone else, someone who sees only the black and white in the world - just like Riley.

I know that my Giles has it in him to kill, I mean look at Ben. But to kill Dawn? No way. I remember how hard it was for him to even suggest it back home; there is no way he could have actually done it. But here? It looks like he did, or helped Riley do it, at least.

I called Angel. I don’t know if it was the right thing, messing in the goings-on of alternate realities, but I can’t just leave Spike to Riley. Not after what I saw. I suspect that there is a lot more going on than I’ve been told. Spike wouldn’t break that easily. I might be wrong; God I hope I’m wrong, but I think Riley rapes Spike. It wouldn’t surprise me; he seems to like the power he has over him too much not to do that as well. I hope Angel can help get Spike away from here, I kinda hope he’ll take me too, ’cause I doubt I’ll be wanting to stay after this.

The following is from Quantum Xander 1.

Part 16

Waking up this morning was a new experience in the ever-increasing weirdness that is my life. Spike was beside me, or rather under me, sort of. I remember waking up last night after having a terrible nightmare - Demons, Willow, yada yada. So not going into that. Anyway, Spike was there, in the bed, holding me and comforting me. I’m not ashamed to admit that I needed the comfort.

I am surprised, however, that Spike was there. I mean yeah, I sorta saved him from Riley but I didn’t expect anything from him. I’m embarrassed to admit that I cried like a baby while he held me after I told him about my dream. I’m not sure how to deal with him today; I mean, do I pretend it didn’t happen?

A big part of me really wants to do that. Just pretend it never happened; but another part, a smaller-but-still-there part, doesn’t want to forget that for the first time since this mess started, I felt safe. I know, talk about crazy huh? I felt safe while being held by a vampire. Ha! If Buffy could only see me now!

I left Spike sleeping in my bed while I came downstairs to the kitchen. I made coffee and toast - Angel doesn’t have a lot of people food here - and tried to think of what I’m going to do while stuck here in LA. One thing’s for sure, I’m not going back to Sunnydale. Those people are nuts. If I ever decide to show this to my Giles, I might have to take these pages out first. I am not sure how he would handle knowing what he could have become, what all of them could become.

The ‘me’ in this world? I haven’t really met him yet. I mean I saw him, he was in the car the whole way back here with Spike and me, but he was strangely quiet. I say strangely ’cause you know, when am I ever quiet? I tend to babble when I’m nervous, not shut up. I think he’s with Wesley, as in with Wesley. Not that it bothers me; I mean Spike, then Faith. Wesley can’t be any stranger of a partner, right?

Wrong. I can’t help it. I think Wesley, and I see a nervous, uptight, tweed-wearing, busybody who bossed Buffy around and couldn’t pull his own head out of his ass long enough to see that everything isn’t black and white. Okay, unfair. I know, but that’s what I remember. Of course the fact that he works with Angel must prove that he has broadened his outlook somewhat. I just don’t see why I’m with him. Why he’s with him.

Spike and Faith I can almost understand. Okay, Demon-magnet Harris, right? So a gay or bi version of myself would inevitably wind up attracting either Spike or Angel. Can I just say how happy I am not to have run into a version of me that’s hooked up with Deadboy? Nugh! And Faith? Well, I did sleep with her, so obviously there was an attraction. Maybe it was the slayer thing? I lusted after Buffy, thought Kendra was pretty hot, why not?

So, what have I learned about myself so far on this little expedition? Ooh, big word, Giles would be so proud! I’ve learned that I am terminally attracted to Demons - ex or otherwise, and slayers. And apparently in at least one deviation, a former watcher. Why can’t I ever just find a nice normal person to settle down with?

The following is from Quantum Xander 1.

Part 20

Well, it seems I’ve made a huge mess of things. Leave it to me to screw up the universe, eh? Thing is, I don’t regret it. I know if I hadn’t landed on Spike, hadn’t taken him with me, he’d be back in the loving custody of one Riley Finn and the Initiative. So how can I regret it? I am so glad Riley took off for the jungles of South America or wherever. I hate to admit that he had me fooled - he wasn’t the country bumpkin I had him pegged for. Spike saw through his act, though, and maybe Giles a bit. I’m glad Buffy missed his chopper.

We have Faith the vampire slayer on this world. She got out on early parole - supposedly for good behavior. If you ask me, though, the council had to have pulled some strings after Buffy died. Seems Willow never brought her back in this reality. Of course in this reality she’s still dating Oz, and I apparently live here in L.A. and run a magic shop with Ethan Rayne - my lover.

Yeah, that’s what I said, my lover. What the hell? I mean okay; the only woman I’ve been with in these other worlds is Faith? Is there no reality out there where I get a shot at happiness with the Buffster? (Buffy? If you ever read this, forget you just read that okay? You’re my friend and I love you, but the 15-year-old that I was is still yelling foul!) I’ve been paired up with Spike, Doyle, Wesley, possibly Angelus - I didn’t exactly want to know about that one (Yes I read the watcher diaries and I know what the sire/childe bond entails, I just refuse to think about it!) and now apparently, Ethan Rayne. I wonder what the Giles of this world thinks about that? Oh yeah and I’m a warlock or something here as well. Cool huh? And Giles thought my magic skills entailed setting books on fire by speaking Latin to them- Showed you huh, G-man!

I still have the bag that the last Angel gave me so I now have more than just the clothes on my back. Unfortunately Spike doesn’t. He’s lucky he was wearing his boots and duster when he got hit, or rather I’m lucky. If he hadn’t been I would have to listen to him complain forever.

Angel was good enough to offer us a place to stay, on the condition that Spike doesn’t bother his employees and we tell him the full story of what’s happened so far. I don’t know if Spike is ready to tell anyone his story yet, and certainly not Angel. I told him mine, minus the gory details of course. He had the grace to look guilty for the whole Acathla fiasco, at least. I think I might just get in touch with the Angel of each new world I visit just to make the asshole feel bad. Yeah, so I’m bitter. Fuck off, you weren’t there.

Spike and I are gonna go out once the sun sets. I want to meet myself in this world, maybe he can teach me a spell to bind my belongings to me. That way I won’t have to worry about carrying this damn bag wherever I go. Plus, I just want to get away from Deadboy for a while; he still gives me the wiggins. I know he’s just one happy away from being Angelus again and that just does not inspire trust. Especially with both Cordy and Faith staying here; can you spell temptation boys and girls? I knew you

The following is from Quantum Xander 1.

Part 25

Somehow we’ve been coerced into staying at Willow’s. Don’t ask me how, I’m really not sure. They seem to be under the impression that Spike and I are a bit more than friends, at least I think so, since they have us sharing a room. Not that I mind so much; I’m still having nightmares and it’s nice to have someone close by when I wake up shaking.

Spike is slowly getting more comfortable around Willow and Oz. He warmed up to Dawn almost immediately but I don’t think he even knew the Dawn from his world. The Spike from this world is okay, he’s a lot like the one back home, so much so that I sometimes forget where I am and have to stop myself from starting an argument with him just to hear what kind of creative insult he can come up with. I never thought I’d miss being insulted by Spike. Go figure.

I should probably tell you that the Xander of this world gave me the Gem of Amara. I gave it to Spike. He asked me to keep it for him until we shift. Oh yeah, that’s another thing - he’s coming with me. I didn’t know what else to do, I pulled him out of his own world, so I feel responsible for him, plus I like the guy. So he decided to come along on this crazy ride. I’m happy to have the company.

I have some rather disturbing news; it seems that Willow put a spell on me back in high school, when she thought she was in love with me. It was designed to limit my affections. Oh hell, she put a whammy on me so I wouldn’t like guys any more. Not that there were a lot of guys I liked to begin with. Only Jesse, and I was terrified of my father ever finding out so I never told him. Now, I’m not under that spell anymore.

It answered a lot of questions, like why the other me - the one with Spike, was with him. The Willow on that world was gay in high school; she had dated Cordy so therefore no spell on the Xan-man. I don’t know about the one with Wesley, but I can only assume that he wasn’t under a spell or someone had lifted it for him. The me of this world was under a spell; that was how he recognized it on me. He never asked Willow why she did it; he never spoke to her again.

I sort of hope we leave this place soon. I know Spike doesn’t like it here, and I’m not really comfortable either. I hope the next world has a friendly feel to it. Hell, I hope the next world is home.

The following is from Quantum Xander 1.

Part 27

Today was great. Spike and I drove around on the bike for hours, then we went down to the beach and watched the sun set. Once it was dark again, we headed back to Willow’s place to pick up our stuff.

About that, I should probably explain this morning. We shifted at some point late last night, or early today. I woke up - with Spike lying on top of me - we’ll get to that in a minute - and we were in a new reality.

In this place, I am apparently involved with not only Spike, but Willow as well. I saw them together, together together. I had no idea how beautiful Wills is, I mean, yeah I always new she was attractive but damn, I never saw her like that before. And Spike? Gah!

Which leads me back to this morning. When I woke up and he was on me, I was startled at first. That was mostly due to the fact that he was all grrr, and then I found myself getting aroused by his weight on top of me, the look of concentration in his yellow eyes. Then for one brief moment, I thought he was going to kiss me. He didn’t. He whispered in my ear that we had shifted and that he could hear voices - our voices. I won’t lie - a part of me was disappointed that he didn’t kiss me.

What is wrong with me? I mean yeah, I like the guy - he’s not the same Spike I thought he was, and he’s different from the one back home, but only because he’s been through so much. I have these strong urges to protect him and keep him safe. I don’t understand it. He’s a demon, an evil soulless demon. So why am I attracted to him in more than just a physical sense?

I can admit to finding Angel attractive, okay I can admit it here, but never shall those words pass my lips, and if anyone ever sees this I’ll deny writing it. But with Broodboy, it’s purely a physical reaction. Same as Faith, she’s hot but as a person she does nothing for me. So what’s different about Spike? Why do I find myself thinking about the way his skin felt under my hands when I was searching him for military hardware? Why do I watch him while he sleeps?

He’s in the shower right now. We got a hotel room after we picked up our things from our doubles. They offered to let us stay with them but it would be too weird to listen to them having sex again. Or to see it. I still can’t get the image of Spike and my double kissing out of my head. I get hard just thinking about it.

That’s another problem. I know what Riley and those Initiative bastards did to Spike. Not all of it, but I know he was raped. He talks in his sleep, begs for them to stop. Sometimes it gets so bad that I wish I could go back to his world and kill the bastard. I feel totally out of control about it, like something primal in me wants to avenge Spike. In a way, it reminds me of the feelings I had for my pack when I was possessed by the hyena. A sense of… home?

Obviously, Spike isn’t going to be interested in me that way. I’d be surprised if he were ever interested in a man again ever what he’s been through. Although, I can’t picture Angelus as the hearts and flowers type - unless the hearts were still warm and gooey. I’m sure he suffered similar treatment at his hands as well.

That doesn’t solve the problem I find myself facing. I like Spike. As in want to kiss him silly, like him. What is it with me and demons? I mean, why am I constantly drawn to supernatural beings? Why, for once can’t I just find a nice normal human person to fall for? No, they have to be slayers, or vampires, or wizards, even Wesley was into magic. I guess it’s time I face the facts, I will never be involved in a normal relationship. I don’t think I’d know how. But that still doesn’t help me with Spike.

The following is from Quantum Xander 1.

Part 28

It’s official. The Xan-man is definitely interested in guys. It’s weird, I mean I never really thought about it before; okay yeah I thought about kissing Jesse, but that was the extent of it - kissing. I never thought about having actual sex with him.

Spike and I have been here in this world for four days now. We haven’t been back to see Willow, Xander and Spike since the morning we woke up in their home. It’s just too weird. Not the Spike part or even the Willow part - although that is somewhat wiggins-worthy, it’s the whole threesome thing. Soooo not me. At least I don’t think it is.

Maybe it’s a spell? God, am I ever going to be able to trust Willow again? Right, off topic. Where was I? Oh yeah, the whole Xander-is-a-poof thing. How the hell did I not notice this before? Wills must have put one hell of a whammy on me ’cause ever since the spell was taken off I-- S noticing guys in a whole different light.

Spike and I were watching TV last night - wrestling, to be precise, and I kept noticing how attractive some of the men were. Not the usual “oh he’s got a good build, wish I looked like that” but the “wow, nice ass on the Rock” sort of noticing. It seriously weirded me out for a minute. Then I realized it was okay to notice those things, that it was part of who I am, or who I would be if Wills hadn’t interfered in my life. I think Spike noticed, he looked over at me and gave me this… I don’t know, reassuring look? It was way weirder than admiring the Rock’s ass. Of course I’d much rather admire Spike’s ass than the Rock’s. And that, my dear diary,
(God, how girlie) is the problem.

We’re still in the same hotel room, still sharing a bed. Every morning I wake up with him in my arms, his head resting on my chest, one of his legs thrown over my thighs. I want to kiss him; actually I want to do a hell of a lot more than just kiss him, but a kiss would be a nice start. I think he knows that I like him, he acts… off with me now. Like he’s trying to make up his mind about something. Probably trying to decide if he wants to stay here rather than risk staying with a recently gay man who has the hots for him. Maybe I should have left the spell on?

At least he has the freedom to go out now. Giving him the ring was a good idea, I think he feels safer now, and his face whenever he looks at it… beautiful. I don’t know how to describe it.

Oh, yeah. His fangs are back. This morning when he shifted faces to feed, I saw them. I never thought I would feel relieved to see a vampire’s fangs but I was. I think he might be starting to heal in more ways than just the physical. He’s starting to act more Spike-ish, which is good, but I still see the real him as well. The one that held me when I cried, the one that reaches out for me in his sleep. I like that Spike too.

Speaking of, he’s waking up now so I should put this away before he starts teasing me about being all girlie and writing in my diary. Besides, I don’t want him to see anything that I’ve written. Wouldn’t do to let him know I’m falling in love with him.

The following is from Quantum Xander 1.

Part 30

I slept with Spike. Okay, nothing new there as we sleep together practically every night. What I should have said was I had sex with Spike. Sex. With Spike. With the kissing and the touching and the penetration. I let a demon fuck me. I let a demon fuck me and I liked it. A lot.

This isn’t coming out the way it should. It sounds… dirty, and it wasn’t. It was good, more than good. It was unbelievable and wonderful and I hope he doesn’t regret it and hate me. God, I’m pathetic. Here I am, after one of the most profound experiences of my life, wondering if the evil vampire is going to regret having sex with me.

But Spike isn’t completely evil, is he? At least not this version. He was so sweet earlier today, he kissed me and told me he liked me, but he wasn’t ready for that yet. ‘That’ being sex. Explanations are probably in order. See, after joking with me about sharing a shower, I was so worked up I took matters into my own hands. Spike heard and confronted me when I came out of the bathroom. That’s when he kissed me and told me he wasn’t ready.

So what changed his mind? I mean, we checked out the town, didn’t find any of the gang, had something to eat, and then went to Willy’s so he could get blood. I waited across the street for him and when he came out he just… attacked me. Not in a bad way, in a kissed-me-stupid-and-made-my-brains-leak-out-of-my-ears way. Then we came back here to the hotel.

I thought about stopping him, at least until I knew what had brought about the sudden change of heart, but then he was kissing me again and I lost the ability to think. So now I’m sitting here on the floor, back against the wall, watching him as he sleeps, and writing. I wish I knew what he was thinking. Why he changed his mind about us.

What do I do when he wakes up? I haven’t got a clue how to deal with ‘the morning after’ with a guy, or a vampire. Especially a guy vampire. Do I kiss him and treat him like my lover? Do I act as though it didn’t happen and continue on as friends? I’m completely lost. I do know one thing though. I have to let Spike set the pace and the boundaries of this - whatever it is we have. I can’t push or rush him. Not after everything he’s been through.

Yeah, that’s it. I’ll let him decide what happens now. Give him control, he probably needs that - to have control of something in his un-life again, even if it is just the pace of our relationship.

Oh God! I said relationship. I’m in a relationship with a vampire, a manpire. Spike - William the Bloody. I had sex with one quarter of the Scourge of Europe. Will this make Drusilla and Deadboy my in-laws?

The following is from Quantum Xander 1.

Part 33

God, where do I start? Everything is so fucked up; I’ve been jumping around from one place to another so quickly I forgot about all the people I left behind on the way.

I mean, what about Angel? Did Riley and his guys get him? Would Buffy allow that? Could she really stop them even if she tried? Shit. I wish… No, I don’t wish. No wishing here. I would like to know, if there was some way possible to find out if he’s okay. Then again, if he isn’t, do I want to know that? Seeing as how there is nothing I can do to help him?

And speaking of Buffy, I wish (damn there’s that word again!) I knew for sure if she was aware of what exactly was happening to Spike, what that rat-bastard Finn had done to him. I feel kinda sorry for her, like she didn’t have a clue what was really going on around her.

Then there’s Willow, the one from the last world that was hooked up with both me and Spike. She helped Spike, healed him, and we just blew out of there and never looked back. To quote Cordy “rude much?”, and Spike, shit the guy had been through hell as well and we never tried to do a damn thing to help him, maybe get him the ring from Angel or something. But we didn’t.

Now, now we’re in some fucked up place where I’m a vampire, Dru is my sire, and I run the hellmouth. Hmm, and no one ever thought I’d amount to anything. The only good thing is that Angelus is dust. The Spike of this world took off after he and my vampself dusted Angelus, and Dru choose me over him. She must have still been under the effects of the spell, ’cause otherwise why the hell would she do that?

The gang is all dead here, all of them. From what I understand, the spell that Amy cast lasted a lot longer in this dimension. After Dru vamped me, I used it to get to Willow and Buffy. I killed them, no turning, just death. I killed Jenny, Joyce, Cordy, and the Cordettes, and finally, Amy. Once Amy died, the spell wore off. By that time, Giles was easy pickings; he came after me - vamp me - but Dru did some freaky mind shit to him and then my vampire self snapped his neck.

Vamp-me took great pleasure in telling me all the gory details. I’ll spare you those, but I now know without a doubt that I am not a nice demon. None of the girls died virgins. Vampire Xander is a sadistic, cruel bastard and I hope to hell we get out of here without having to see him again. Plus I think it’s giving Spike ideas.

Spike, another topic worth scrutinizing. What the hell are we doing together? I mean yeah, there’s the sex and that’s not a bad thing, but I don’t know where this is going, or even if it’s going anywhere. I think I’m in love with him. No, I’m pretty sure I know I am. It’s his feelings I’m not sure about.

I wanted to talk to him last night but two minions burst in here and there was confusion and babbling and then we went into town, met with My vampire self and his looney-tunes sire. When we got home - and since this is where we live essentially, I’ll call it home - Spike didn’t look like he was in any mood to talk so I went to shower.

I was barely wet when he joined me, I don’t know what set him off, but something was bothering him. He plastered himself to my back and began kissing my throat; it was very nice but not enough to distract me from the slight shaking I could feel. I didn’t comment on it, just pretended I hadn’t noticed. We washed each other, again it was very nice getting to touch him, have him touch me… but I’m getting off topic again.

After the shower, Spike carried me out to the bed and did very nice things to me. I won’t go into detail, (sorry but since I don’t know who might read this, I just won’t) but needless to say, we needed to shower again when he was finished. After the second shower, we finally talked.

I asked Spike what was bothering him, told him that whatever it was he could tell me, I’d understand. He looked at me with such… hope I guess is the word I’m looking for, but it hardly does justice to the emotion I saw in his eyes. He told me, haltingly and with much growling, raging, cursing and crying, what Riley had done to him. Lets just say, if I had known this when I was still there, Buffy would have been finding pieces of him all over Sunnydale.

After that confession, I just held him for awhile. Then he told me that he was afraid to be intimate with me that way, of course he didn’t quite say it so nicely, but what I wrote sounds so much better than “I don’t think I’m ready to bend over for ya yet“. That was why he told me that morning he wasn’t ready. Because he wasn’t - still isn’t - ready for that.

It was the blood he’d gotten from Willy that pushed him past his reluctance. He explained to me that after surviving this long on stale animal blood, fresh warm human blood acted like an aphrodisiac, making him horny as hell. I admit I was a bit insulted at first, but then he told me that if all he were after was a shag, there had been several whores in the bar he could have had easily. He just saw me standing in the sunlight and he said he had to have me, “sod the consequences“. So, now that I understand why he wasn’t ready, and why he still doesn’t want to risk me topping him, we can hopefully see where this thing between us is going.

My only fear is that he’s with me because I saved him, because he sees me as some kind of… I don’t know, superhero sounds so lame but I can’t come up with anything better. I mean, if it were Deadboy that saved him instead of me, would he be sleeping with him now? I know it’s not fair, I shouldn’t question it but I’ve always sort of been the convenient one, I don’t want that again, not this time.

Cordy used me cause I was easy to manipulate; I did anything she said, as far as keeping our relationship a secret so she didn’t look bad to her friends. Willow and the whole fluke thing in high school, well hell, that could have been a spell for all I know. Revenge for dating Cordy and not her. ’cause look how well that turned out, Oz forgave her, everyone forgave her. Cordy hated me after that, Oz was never the same with me, Buffy and Giles both blamed me as well.

We won’t go into Faith. Period.

Then there was Anya. Newly human and in desperate need of friendship and guidance. Not that I minded so much, but she seemed to know that I was just a big fluffy puppy who wouldn’t hurt anyone. So she glommed onto me and I sucked up the attention like a sponge. I knew, deep down that I was just a convenience, that’s why I called off the wedding at the last minute. She had only dated one guy her entire human lifetime, how did she know I was really the one? I wasn’t sure, so how could she be?

I want more this time. I don’t want to be convenient, or easy, or safe. I want to be loved damn it! I want to be wanted for me, for just being Xander Harris. Is that too much to ask? Am I expecting too much from an emotionally crippled vampire? Probably, but I can’t help it. I want this to be real, for both of us.

The following is from Quantum Xander 1.

Part 39

Hmm. where to start. Well, we’ve been here for three days now. This world has a Spike/Xander couple as well, only they’re a mess. Xander was under the same spell I was, only it was wearing off. Poor Spike, he got the worst of it; Xander couldn’t make up his mind if he wanted him or not.

Tara removed the spell, after that she left. She couldn’t stay in Sunnydale any longer, not knowing that Willow was capable of causing such damage to her best friend. She just couldn’t trust her after that. I feel bad for Tara; she deserves so much more than she has. After that whole memory spell, she really thought Willow had changed.

My double here is married to the Buffybot. I laughed my ass off when I found out. He and Spike have something in common there. Spike shagged her and Xander married her. It’s not nice to make fun, but it’s funny as hell. I mean, he’s married to a robot.

Things seem to be getting better between Xander and Spike; they told Dawn that they were together and she squealed and hugged them both. I think that did a lot for Spike’s fragile ego. He didn’t like being kept a secret, especially from Dawn. So now she knows. The only other person to tell is Willow, but I don’t know that Xander even wants to speak to her right now. She doesn’t know about Tara removing the spell. Xander wasn’t ready to face her on that yet. Can’t say as I blame him. I still don’t know what to say to my Wills.

We’re back at the Motor Lodge; we spent one night at the Holiday Inn but for financial reasons we moved back to the Lodge. Besides, this place feels like home now. Spike has been careful to keep his ring hidden; he doesn’t trust the Spike of this world not to try and take it, so we spend most days inside. Not that I’m complaining, I’m happy to have him to myself.

Turns out Xander talked Willow out of bringing back Buffy. He told Spike what she was planning and blondie told him that they were being stupid. That there was no way that a slayer, especially one as good as Buffy, would be in a hell dimension. Xander believed him and talked Willow out of bringing her back. I told them about Buffy - my Buffy - and they were glad they didn’t do that to theirs.

I’m sorta hoping to leave this place soon. Not that I hate it here or anything, it’s just… well I feel like I’ve done all I can here, helped to get Xander and Spike straightened out, told Tara about what Wills had done, what’s left?

I know it sounds stupid, but I’m starting to feel like there might be a purpose to this journey, I mean look at Spike. I saved him from a fate worse than death, that’s a good enough reason to go through this, but maybe there is more? Or am I just trying to rationalize this ’cause I don’t want to believe that Anya could do something like this to me for no apparent reason?

The following is from Quantum Xander 1.

Part 46

We’re back at the hotel. Angel offered to let us stay, but we declined. I didn’t want to make this world’s Spike uncomfortable, not after he’s finally showing signs of improvement - maybe. At least I hope he is.

Spike is being pretty quiet; right now he’s listening to the CD player and writing in his book. I pretend that I don’t know he has one; he pretends too. He seems to think that it isn’t manly or something - having a journal. Maybe it’s just too William-y for him. I don’t know, but if it helps him, I’m all for it.

I haven’t been tempted to read it. I don’t think I’m ready to know what kind of things he’s written in there. Most likely it’s a retelling of his life with Riley. If he wanted me to know, he’d tell me himself. At least I hope he would.

I have some clue as to what he’s been through; I can guess from his actions and reactions. And what he asked me to do to Riley? Well, let’s just say that I hope that was the worst thing he had ever had done, but I know it isn’t. It’s the worst thing that he felt he could ask me to do for him.

I castrated the bastard and made him eat his own nuts. Me, Xander Harris, full-fledged scooby and all-around white hat. Guess my hat’s not so white anymore now. Thing is, I’m not sure that I ever was a white hat. A grey hat maybe, but not white. I didn’t join up with Buffy’s little group of slayerettes to save the world. I did it because my best friend was killed by vampires and I wanted a little payback.

The fact that Willow stayed, that she wanted to help… That’s why I stayed. Yeah, Buffy’s pretty hot, and yeah I lusted after her but that wasn’t enough for me to risk my life over. There were other pretty girls who could ignore me just as well, some better. I stayed because I couldn’t let Willow do it alone; if I lost her too, my life would have been meaningless. And look how she repaid me.

So here I sit, after six years of slaying the bad guys, killing demons to protect the human population, with the blood of a human on my hands. Not literally, cause eeewww! Also, I think Spike did a thorough job licking them clean. But I have led a man to his death - A human man - to protect a demon, a vampire, my lover.

Angel did a fair bit of damage to Riley. He stuck something the size of my arm up the guy’s ass, electrocuted him, beat him, cut him, bit him, peeled the skin from his back and then had me piss on him. And that was just today’s torture session. I have no idea what’s planned for tomorrow, he only told us to be there again at sunset.

I think, if it weren’t for Spike - not mine, the other one - Angel would have kept on hurting Finn until he died from it. But as it was, Spike needed rest; he had spoken to Angel, called him sire. When Angel smiled at him, he smiled back. Then Angel kissed him. I was wigged out. I mean Angel and Spike? Okay yeah, Angelus and William I can see. But Angel and Spike hate each other - at least the ones back home do. Anyway, after the kiss, Angel went back to his torture and Spike and I watched. I helped out when I was asked - like the pissing thing, and the other Spike slowly slipped back into himself again. By the time Angel called it quits, there was nothing behind his glassy-eyed gaze. I hope it’s a good place he escapes to, somewhere that makes him feel safe and happy.

I asked Spike about the kiss after we left. He said that the bond between sire and childe was stronger than a soul, stronger than hate and pain, longing and love. It was everything. He explained that in Spike’s current state, he needed that bond, to be connected to his sire. That after everything he’d been through, the Initiative, the torture, losing his childe, that Angel was the only hope of ever bringing Spike back.

Spike still thinks that Angel should stake him, or drain him, something. That he’s too far-gone to save and death - final death - would be a mercy. I don’t know; I just can’t stand the idea of Spike being dust, but I don’t like thinking of him spending eternity the way he is either. I don’t envy Angel; I wouldn’t want to have to be the one to make that choice.

I did something else I should tell you. I took revenge for myself as well. I pulled Riley’s teeth out. With a pair of pliers and a bit of assistance from Angel - he held him still and kept his mouth open. It was petty and mean, I know. I don’t regret it though. I actually feel pretty good about it. You wouldn’t understand, but then again, it wasn’t your lover who had this done to him. You didn’t see Spike - in game face with no fangs - if you had, you might understand.

I kept his teeth. I’m not sure why though? I just… wanted them. Like a trophy I guess. Not sure what I was thinking there, I mean what am I gonna do with them? Make a necklace? Hmm, maybe yeah. I could have them cleaned up and holes drilled into them, give it to Spike as a gift. I can’t present him with his heart - as would be a proper token of love to a vampire, but I can do this. Give him something to keep with him, a message that he endured, and Riley did not.

I wonder what my life is going to be like when I get back home? Will the gang accept the changes in me? Will they accept Spike as my lover? Yeah, I can just see that going over well. Especially Spike - the Spike back home that is. I’m sure he’s gonna be real comfortable knowing that I’ve seen him naked, seen him hard, felt his mouth on me, heard him calling my name, screaming it in ecstasy. Yep, that’ll go over really well.

Buffy’s gonna be a problem, she won’t understand the gay thing, let alone the Spike thing. And when she finds out what Riley was capable of? Not gonna be fun. Fuck! I wonder just what the hell did happen to Spike back home when the Initiative first had him? Did Finn touch him? I always felt there was more behind Spike’s hatred of Riley than simple jealousy over Buffy. Fucking bastard! And to think I defended him, stuck up for him to Buffy when all the shit with her Mom was going down. God I feel sick.

The way we all treated Spike, like he was a parasite or something to be scraped off the bottom of our shoes, it was beyond cruel. He may be a vampire, but I know the real Spike now, not the bad ass that he shows the world, but the caring, loving, funny, feeling man that he is inside.

You know, from the day he was turned he was never alone? There was always Angelus, Darla and Dru. Then Angel got cursed and left them. Darla followed suit not too long after. But Dru was still there, and as long as Spike had her to care for and protect, he wasn’t alone. Then she left him. Can you imagine what that must have been like? A century with someone, then to find yourself abandoned and alone?

Then after what the Initiative did to him, taking away his ability to feed himself, leaving him to starve to death or depend on his enemies for survival? I’m surprised he didn’t choose to die. He’s a proud man - vampire - whatever. The fact that he could do it, put up with all of us constantly teasing him and making cutting remarks… It shows how strong he is. Or how lonely he is. Maybe both.

It’s really sad if you think about it. That Spike could be so lonely that he’d hang about, put up with the constant belittling, not to mention the beatings, just so he wouldn’t have to be alone. I mean, it’s not like he couldn’t leave Sunnydale. Plenty of places he could go in the world, but he stays. Why? My guess? Because we - the scoobies - are the closest things he has to friends, and that’s just pathetic.

The following is from Quantum Xander 1.

Part 49

Oh my God! I had sex with Angel! Angel!!!! What was I thinking? I’ll tell you, I wasn’t thinking. That’s always been my problem, I don’t think. That’s why I’m the guy who gets strangled as foreplay, the guy who gets thralled by vampires, chosen to fertilize a giant bug lady’s eggs. I thought I said NO MORE BUTT MONKEY! I know I did, so what? The fates ignore me again? One more crappy thing to dump on Xander. Oh my God! I had sex with Angel!

Okay, panic attack dealt with. Babbling under control. I had sex with Angel, but that’s okay because no one knows. We’ll shift out of here and the only one who’ll know is Spike. Spike, who watched as Angel took me, who stroked himself while watching as Angel fucked me. Spike who kissed me and told me how hot it was, watching us together. Spike who I’m in love with, who says he loves me but watched me get fucked by someone else.

All right, in all fairness it’s not like I was the only one. Spike had sex with Angel too - and yeah, I watched, and it was hot. It was… primal. Like watching a cross between the best porn ever and the discovery channel. I mean, wow. They were so… I don’t have the words.

Then of course, there was the free-for-all where I found myself wedged between two vampires - not a bad place to be. I will so die of embarrassment if anyone sees this. I wasn’t even going to write it down but I had to. If I’m going to keep an honest record of my little “adventure” I should include the life-altering things that happen. I’ll just make sure this never gets read - by anyone!

It was the first time I’ve been in control with Spike, inside him and being able to do whatever I want to him. Of course, having Angel in me at the same time made it different than I had fantasized about. Not bad, just different.

It was sex. Not love. Angel was hurting, simple as that. I don’t know a lot about demons - vampires - but I understood what last night was about. It was Spike’s way of offering comfort to his sire. I don’t know what my reasons were. Too much whiskey and an overwhelming sense of loss? Knowing that it could easily have been my Spike that was pushed so far he didn’t want to come back?

Maybe. But is that enough? Is Angel making Finn pay for what he’d done enough to make me forget two weeks in a hell dimension? Is seeing Spike drain the life from his worthless hide enough to forgive Angel for the horrors I witnessed? I don’t know. After what happened to Willow in that place, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive him, but it wasn’t him though. It was Angelus. Angelus who gave me the opportunity to avenge my lover, Angelus who was howling his grief over his childe in my lover’s arms.

I’m so fucking confused. I want to hold onto my anger at him. I do. But I’m so tired of holding a grudge. He’s a demon - and not a very stable one at that - it’s what they do. After a century of being locked up by a soul, having a conscience, what would you expect though?

I have to wonder though, what happened in that world? It seems to me that my decisions have had a bearing on the different realities I’ve been to. If that’s true, then what did I do that let Angelus finish the ritual? Did I talk Buffy out of going after him? Did I delay her in some way so that she was late? Maybe when I jumped out of the bush at her she hit me and knocked me out, then had to call an ambulance to come and get me? Maybe I never brought her back to life after the Master and it was Kendra or Faith who had to go up against Angelus when he was trying to open Acathla.

So, in that context, it was my fault that that he succeeded. My fault that the world was sucked into hell. My fault that all those people… That Willow… God! It was my fault. Everything, my fault. Spike. Oh God, Spike was my fault! If I had been there, not in L.A. with Angel and Wes, he wouldn’t have been recaptured. He would have been safe. And here, I was a vampire - turned by Spike - so again, no cozy basement to hide out in, no scoobies to take him in. They wouldn’t, not if he had turned me - defenseless or not, Buffy wouldn’t have helped him. How the hell did I get turned anyway? What did I do in this reality that made me a vampire?

Now I understand the depth of the curse. I hope Anya is happy, I couldn’t be more miserable. It’s all my fault; how many people have been made to suffer because of my actions? Or inaction? Jesus Christ, how many more horrors do I have to endure before she’s satisfied that I’ve suffered enough?

I’m sorry Anya! I’m so, so, sorry. I never meant to hurt you, please make this stop. I want to go home, please. I just want to go home.

The following is from Quantum Xander 1.

Part 54

It’s been awhile since I’ve written; things have been hectic. You’re probably wondering what happened after the whole “I slept with Deadboy” and “everything is my fault” brain meltdown. Well, to be truthful, a lot has happened since then.

I won’t go into detail on the nightmares I suffered - no, not about sleeping with Angel; they were about Spike, about what happened to him and my part in it all. Spike finally forced me to tell him what was going on and then he basically told me to get over myself. That what happened to him wasn’t my fault.

We left Angel with good wishes and hope for his future. I told him to explain to the guys what had happened to Spike, that they would understand why he had to do what he did and things would be okay. Of course we agreed it was best if they never heard about what Angel did to Riley.

The last place we landed in was so close to being home it made me ache. The difference was that Anya stood me up at the altar instead of the other way around. She left me to be a demon again.

Spike and I ran into the Spike of that world first. He had just recently been dumped by Buffy. Yeah, go figure. We tried to cheer him up by getting him drunk. Worked out well, he was in a much better mood the next day. ’Course that could have had something to do with all the sex that was had.

Yep, I ended up the creme filling in a Spike-wich. I’m still confused about why this doesn’t bother me. I mean, if I’m in love with Spike, shouldn’t it be pissing me off that he’s “shagging” someone else? Shouldn’t I have a moral objection against me sleeping with someone else? I get why it doesn’t bother Spike, I mean Angel was his sire, and Spike is… well he’s him only blond still. It’s a demon thing I guess; he says that vampires don’t look at sex the same way humans do. That it’s okay to share your body with someone else as long as both partners are okay with it. Plus we won’t be staying around long, so no chance of me leaving him for someone else.

After telling that world’s Spike about what we had seen and done, he decided that maybe he’d be better off taking a break from Sunnydale for awhile. As far as I know, he was heading to L.A. to see if he could patch things up with Angel. I wish him luck.

We didn’t see the scoobies while we were there. I figured it would be too weird for that world’s Xander. He would be messed up as it is; finding out that there’s a reality out there where he was the one who walked away might not be the best thing for him, or me for that matter. Spike said he’d likely hit me. He’s that messed up.

Spike and I shifted out late last night, so we haven’t been out to check the situation in this world yet. I’m not getting my hopes up; I have the feeling that Anya plans for me to suffer for some time before I get to come home - if I get to come home. I could grow old and die - or just die - on this journey before it ever reaches the end, and wouldn’t that suck? If that’s the case, I hope this book gets home at least. I’ll be sure to write out my will in it. If the bike makes it as well, give it to Spike. He’ll appreciate it.

I wonder if the gang misses me? I’m sure that on a personal level everyone is all “gee I miss Xander” but what about the fight against evil? Has my unique input been missed on that front? Who else can you get to chauffeur Dawn to school, fix broken shelves, fetch donuts and be the butt of all jokes? Oh hey, maybe you guys have adopted Jonathan in my absence. Or better yet, Andrew. He’d do in a pinch, not quite witty enough, but he’d be eager for the attention. Just don’t let him have my comic books or my Babylon Five collector plates. I’ll be severely pissed if you do. Then again, if I’m dead, maybe you should give them to him. He’s geek enough to appreciate them.

Spike’s out of the shower, looks like it’s time to find out what brave new world we landed in this time. Maybe this will be the one where I’ve made all the right decisions - I’ll be rich, famous, successful and have a harem of beautiful women at my beck and call. Yeah, and then I’ll wake up, I doubt a reality like that one even exists. And if it did, I’m sure I’d find some way to screw it up for myself.

The following is from Quantum Xander 1.

Part 55

Okay, just got back from seeing my double of this world. Poor bastard - he’s completely out of it. Glory sucked his brain out, and Wills wasn’t able to restore him. She did, however, manage to save Tara. Okay, in all fairness she is her girlfriend and they’re in love, but we’ve been friends since we were five, doesn’t that count for anything? What does it say about our friendship that she chose to save Tara over me?

I know I sound bitter, but it really freaked me out seeing myself like that. And to top it all off, the poor crazy bastard has a vampire for a guardian. I mean yeah, I’m sleeping with and am in love with the evil undead, but I don’t know how much I’d want to have to depend on him to take complete care of me. I mean, he can’t even go outside in the daytime. Plus, how much does he really know about taking care of a human?

Speaking of which, Spike thinks his double is up to no good with my double. He says he can smell them on each other. Like they’re having sex. I told him he had to be wrong, that Spike wouldn’t take advantage like that. I know him now; he wouldn’t do that. Spike told me if I believed that, I was fooling myself. Of course, the way I treated Spike back home - well I guess maybe he could do it.

I don’t have any proof though. He looked happy enough for being looney-tunes. When we got there he was sitting on the floor by the couch; as soon as Spike sat down he started playing with his fingers and making them run through his hair. It was kinda sweet in a totally sad and pathetic way. And the smile that lit his face when Spike took up the motions on his own was huge.

I pointed that out to my Spike after we’d left and he snorted at me and called me naive. He said that crazy me was displaying submissive behavior to his master. That perhaps Spike had him well trained. He told me I was being stupid if I thought he wasn’t capable of this. He reminded me that he’s evil, a demon, and that this version of himself might have been in love with Buffy but he didn’t give a damn about the rest of the scoobies - save Dawn of course.

So where does that leave me? I don’t want to believe that Spike could do that to me, but he as much as told me he could. So what do I do? Do I tell Wills? I mean she has enough on her plate as it is, doesn’t she? Do I confront Spike? And say what? “Hey, stop having sex with the vegetable.” That’ll work. Oh yeah, and Spike thinks that his double is feeding from Xander as well. I didn’t see any bite marks, but apparently there are lots of places to bite that wouldn’t be so noticeable - the inside of the thigh or the juncture between thigh and groin, for example. So, according to my lover, his double is using my double as a food source and a whore. Fuck, this sucks!

If I go after Spike - cause you know, him chipped, me human - he’ll just take it out on the poor crazy version of myself. That is, if what my Spike suspects is true. If it isn’t, and I accuse him of something he hasn’t done, then what? Will he laugh it off or would it give him ideas? I’m so friggin’ confused. My head hurts and I just want this all to stop.

I sent Spike out to get dinner; I needed some time alone with my thoughts. I mean, I just found out that I could have been a vampire’s mindless fuck-toy and all-you-can-eat buffet. Worse off is that it’s the same vampire I’m in love with, just a different version of him. I really need to go to another reality now. Please? Hello, who ever is in charge of this ride? I’m ready to move on. Stop the world and let me off.

The following is from Quantum Xander 1.

Part 57

Okay, my life has officially passed into the Twilight Zone. I let a vampire bite me. I, Xander Harris, let a vampire bite me. And I liked it. All right, explanation time.

It’s not just a bite; it’s a claim mark. Spike claimed me. I know what you’re thinking; how can he bite me with a chip in his head? I thought the same thing when he mentioned it. Turns out, he learned a couple things from the other him. The Spike in this world told him that he could bite as long as it was pleasurable. And boy howdy was it pleasurable!

So what does this mean? It means that I belong to him. I know, how caveman does that sound? But in demon terms it means I’m not just a fling, a warm body to snuggle up with. It means he loves me, he wants me, and he sees me as his mate. I know what that word means to… oh I don’t know- a hyena demon for example, but is it the same for a vamp? ’Cause if it is, then I basically married a vampire - and why am I not freaked out about that?

I should be. I left Anya at the altar because I wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment, but now I’ve basically given my life to a vampire. And that takes on whole new meanings of the term forever. So, why am I not babbling in panic and screwing myself into a corner?

Guess it must be because I love him, because I want this, because no matter where I end up, no matter what happens to me, I want him with me. I want to see his face first thing when I wake up. I want to feel his body next to mine as I fall asleep. I want him with me always. I love him.

Now, if Giles ever reads this he’ll know that there is more to this than just him biting me. There were words, an exchange of vows, basically, and then blood - I drank from him, then he drank from me. Go ahead, eewww to your hearts’ content, I know I did - internally at least - when he first presented his bleeding wrist to me. But it wasn’t bad, good actually.

As well as the blood claiming there was the “physical aspect of the bonding“ or for those of us who aren’t British, sex. I am so not giving you details on that. It’s personal.

So, now I am a vampire’s mate. Spike’s mate. I can’t stop smiling when I think about it. I know he’s just as happy as I am. He hasn’t been this cuddly and purry before - he’s like a big cat.

I have to wonder what this means for the physical aspect of our relationship. I mean, we haven’t exactly been monogamous recently. There was Angel, and then Spike, so does this change things? Are we no longer taking others into bed with us? Not that I care; as long as I have Spike I don’t want or need anyone else.

The following is from Quantum Xander 1.

Part 64

When I woke up this morning I had forgotten that he wouldn’t be here. I reached out for him in my sleep and he wasn’t there. It woke me instantly, and then the pain came back. It hurts, like nothing I’ve ever felt before.

Angel came to me. He held me while I cried and tried to explain why it hurt so much. It turns out, it’s because of the claim. When we mated - bonded to each other - we exchanged more than just blood. We exchanged a piece of ourselves, and now that piece is missing. It feels like I’m dying inside. Angel says it will get better in time. I don’t know if I believe him. I feel like I’ll always be in agony.

I dreamt last night that I was home. That I was in my own bed, that Spike was there with me. I was so happy. I just held him and breathed in his scent. He kissed me. Then he told me he would always be there, that he’d never leave me. He lied. ’Cause he’s not here. He’ll never be here again. I feel like it’s my fault. I was the one who wanted to leave the hotel; I was the one who needed to find out what was going on in that strange place. If we had’ve just stayed in the room, he’d still be with me.

The others - Angel, Xander, Willow, Tara, Anya, Dawn and Buffy - have been tiptoeing around me like I’m made of glass. I know they mean well, but I just wish they would leave me alone. I have to see Spike and Dawn today. They’ve decided to stay here, thank God. I don’t think I could handle any more time with that Spike. He’s heartless about anyone who isn’t Dawn. I understand, but it doesn’t mean I want to be around him.

Xander and Angel are a couple. Now there’s a puzzle. They’ve been together since Xan was in high school. In this reality, it was Xander who caused Angel to lose his soul. It was also Xander who gave it back - permanently. I have a copy of the spell he used. I’m going to give it to Angel if I ever get home.

This world’s Spike is still with Dru (there was no Acathla here, Xander restored Angel’s soul just a few weeks after he lost it) they got chipped together and he rescued her from the Initiative base. Apparently that made him more than demon enough for her. Plus, the scoobies feed them, so where would she go, anyway? I’m happy for Spike, even if it does hurt to know that not every Spike is in love with a Xander.

It turns out that there is a reason I’m such a demon magnet. I have a natural born affinity for magicks. I never knew. I guess that’s why the Xander from way back - the one that gave me the spell oil - and the Xander from this world are so good at it. Willow and Tara both practice here as well, but they’re nowhere near as good as Xander. Hmm, I might have to look into that when I get home. Should be enough to give Giles a few more gray hairs and sleepless nights.

I haven’t been able to even open Spike’s duffel bag. I can’t. Not yet. I know what’s in there. His duster and Docs, his black jeans and t-shirt, the clothes we bought for him, his journal and his CD’s. Also, the ring. It showed up when we shifted. Willow found it when she came to me - she knew what it was and kept it for me. When she gave it to me earlier today, I almost threw up. I remembered that the last place it had been was on my lover’s severed hand. I put it in the bag without even looking at it. Maybe someday, when the pain is less, when I’m home, I will go through his things. Look at his clothes, listen to his music and read his words. But not right now. Right now it just hurts too much.

The following is from Quantum Xander 1.

Part 66

Well, it looks like we have now come to the “Buttmonkey” portion of my little sojourn into hell. I am a woman. A pregnant woman. Oh, and it gets better; it’s all Buffy’s fault.

Let’s start from the beginning, shall we? After drinking far more than a human body should be capable of, I passed out in my hotel room in SF. When I woke up I was still in SF, still in a hotel but not in the same reality. I’ve figured out that the only way I get to leave is when I’ve learned whatever it is I need to know about this new reality.

That in mind, I hopped on the bike and headed back to SD. I figure the faster I do this the sooner I maybe get to go home. So what do I learn upon entering the Magic Box?

That I am a woman here. That I am pregnant. And that it’s all Buffy’s fault. You know, Spike would have loved this. He would have seen the humor in the situation; I don’t. All I see is a miserable pregnant woman who misses her dick. I know I would.

I can just imagine how my mate would react to this; the leering looks as he tried to picture female me without his clothes on. The biting comments, the teasing looks, knowing that he’d be thinking about his double and my double having a child. He would have loved this. I wish he were here to share it, to tease me, to make me see the humor in it. I just wish he were here. Do you hear that, fates? I made a wish!

Seems the Xander of this world found out about Buffy and Spike’s little tryst and got a bit pissed with her. Anya found her at the Bronze - Anya being a demon again and not telling anyone - and plied her with wine coolers. Buffy poured her little heart out about big, mean Xander and then said: and I quote: I wish that Xander knew how it feels to be a woman, how it feels to have Spike so totally devoted to him. To carry a piece of him inside, growing and growing, until it just had to be set free.

So, now you have a completely besotted Spike, a miserable, pregnant Xander, and a very stubborn vengeance demon who refuses to undo her work. Add to that an angry watcher, an apologetic slayer, a giggling teenager and two flustered witches and you have a whole new level of hell. Have I learned enough about this world? Can I leave now?

The following is from Quantum Xander 1.

Part 68

Well. I’m not sure whether this is a good thing or not. I seem to be moving through realities more quickly than usual the past few days. I mean, I only spent one day in the Xander-married-Willow world, less than a day in the Xander-is-a-pregnant-women-carrying-Spike’s-love-child world, only a few hours in the bug-eating-man-bitch reality and now I seem to have landed in the Hyena-Xander-is-still-at-large world.

Yeah, nice, huh? Somewhere out there in the wilds of California, my pack runs free. Kyle, Tor, Rhonda, Heidi, and yours truly, the Xan-man. It’s totally freaksome. ’Cause I know what they - the rest of them - did to Mr. Flutie. Does that mean that I’ve tasted human flesh? Am I a cannibalistic hyena-possessed monster in this world? Oh god, why didn’t they unpossess me, repossess me, whatever, in this reality?

It’s hard to think about, knowing that I’ve killed people. I mean, okay, I’ve met my vampire self and yeah, big scary there. But he wasn’t me. He was just a demon wearing my body, using my memories. The hyena is me. I remember; I was there. It was I that did those things as much as the beast. It didn’t push my soul out of my body; it merged with it, made me like it was - wild, passionate, free.

I still remember how it felt to tear into living flesh, taste the salty blood and devour the raw meat of my prey. I remember how liberating it was to shake of the constraints of humanity and just be… animal. It was scary when I came back to myself, remembering the freedom and the wild abandon. A part of me was sickened, but another part, a part that I tried to bury as deep as possible, missed it.

It was more than just the freedom though. It was the belonging, knowing that I had a “pack”, that I wasn’t alone. It was the comfort of bodies pressing against me, wanting to please me and be pleased by me in return. One thing I was thankful for was the fact that no one ever found out just how “close” I had gotten with the others. I didn’t actually have sex per se with Tor or Kyle, but there was some naughty touching between us while I made use of the female members of my pack. I was very glad that they never mentioned it afterwards.

Going back to being the zeppo was hard after that. I still dreamed of running wild, hunting prey and tearing flesh. I would wake up in a haze of arousal and despair. I wanted to pretend it hadn’t happened, so I buried myself back into the role of donut-boy and smart-ass. It was easier. The one thing I never told anyone was how I could relate to both Angel and Spike. Being a predator and then suddenly having it all ripped away. In Angel’s case, he got a soul, and I identified with him the most; he now had a human revulsion to the things his demon had done. With Spike, it was more that the temptation was still there, that sometimes I wanted to be that free again, and knew I could never be. That must be what the chip is like for him, wanting something and not being able to have it no matter how much it tempts you.

I hated them both. Angel was easy to hate; he was everything I wasn’t. Tall, dark, handsome, mysterious, and able to keep up with Buffy, not appearing weak and inferior in light of her abilities. He had the girl I wanted, simple as that. Of course now I have to wonder if it was that simple. Perhaps I was attracted to him, or would have been if Willow hadn’t interfered in my life. I’m not sure if I should thank her for that where Angel is concerned; I mean, yeah, I might have had sex with him, but I don’t think I’d want him as a boyfriend or a mate. Too much angst and ‘woe is me’.

Spike I hated because he was too human. He was supposed to be a demon, a thing to hate and destroy. Black and white, simple logic. But he wasn’t. He was somewhere in between, all those lovely shades of grey. He laughed, he loved, he drank, he ate human food - and liked it. He watched TV - was addicted to cheesy soap operas, and of all of the supernatural creatures I’d ever had the misfortune to meet - I liked him best. I felt that he was someone I could be friends with. After what had happened to Jesse, I hated myself for liking Spike. Therefore I hated Spike for making me like him, and hate myself. I just never really figured it all out until now.

From what I understand, the zookeeper had a hold of Willow, and before he had a chance to act on anything, or even complete the chant that would have transferred the hyena spirits into himself, Buffy knocked him over the rail into the hyena pit. The animals ate him, and the pack and I escaped. Buffy and the others hunted them ruthlessly, but never caught them. Even Angel, with all of his vamp senses and speed and strength couldn’t catch them. They left Sunnydale, and other than the odd ‘wild animal’ attack, the gang has no idea where they are.

I hope to God that if they are ever found, Buffy will have the decency to just kill them. It would be far more humane than to make them live with what they have done. God knows I would be the first one in line to pull the trigger.

You may have noticed I haven’t written about Spike. This world’s Spike is dust. Seems that when he showed up at Thanksgiving looking for help, Buffy staked him. She said it would have been cruel to leave him alive in his condition. Part of me agrees, but another part is saddened by the loss. They didn’t believe me when I told them how much Spike had become one of the group back home. Buffy flat out refused to believe that he was in love with her or that he would risk his life for her or Dawn.

I talked to Oz last night. After spending the day with the gang and learning about the different paths that their lives had taken, I needed to get out and have a little down time. Giles insisted that I not go out alone at night, so Oz offered to accompany me. He’s good company. He’s quiet and restful.

We rode around for awhile, went to the Bronze and played a couple games of pool, had a couple beers, and then just sat outside in the parking lot and talked. I told him about Spike. About Riley and what he did to him, about how we fell in love. I told him that we had only been mates for less than two days when I lost him. He was sympathetic.

I still feel him - Spike. He’s in my heart, my mind, my veins. He may be gone, but he’s still a part of me. I understand more now about what Angel tried to tell me, but he was wrong. I have a part of Spike inside me, and as long as I live, he lives on within me. I’m not missing a part of myself; I’m only missing the physical presence of my mate. If I concentrate I can still feel the connection between us. It gives me the strength to go on. I know that I can get through this, that I can survive this constant disruption of my life, as long as I can still feel him. I won’t give up on finding a way to bring him back to me. I won’t give up hope.

He isn’t really gone if I can still feel him, right?

The following is from Quantum Xander 1.

Part 69

I’m a werewolf. Weird huh? I wonder if that makes me any cooler? More Oz-ish, perhaps? It’s strange though, thinking about Oz that way. I mean yeah, he’s a great guy, and before the whole kissing-fluke with Wills, I thought we were pretty good friends, but lovers? Mates? I never would have pictured it. I kinda always thought he and Willow would eventually get married and have a litter.

I guess he’s attractive; he’s cute, has good hair, and a really soft-looking mouth. I bet he’s a good kisser. Not that I want to kiss Oz, I mean, I love Spike. But if there wasn’t Spike, then yeah, I guess maybe I would. Wow. I can’t believe I’d actually want to kiss Oz. Weird.

I watched them together earlier, in their wolfy forms. It was weird. I remember watching Oz-wolf in the old library; he was always so restless, so aggressive and… wolfy. He isn’t like that now; they were curled up on the floor, nuzzling at each other and making soft, growly noises. Almost like purring, but not the same. They looked content. It was sweet. I wonder if it’s always like that for them, or if it’s just the pot…

Spike used to purr when we were in bed. After making love, or sometimes first thing in the morning, he would rest his head on my chest and purr. It felt wonderful - the vibrations would lull me to sleep. I miss that.

I don’t sleep as well any more. It’s like after Anya and I broke up; I couldn’t get used to sleeping alone - without her soft snores in my ear or the way she snuggled into me in her sleep. Only it’s a thousand times worse. Spike was more than just my lover; he was my mate - my other half.

Sleeping with Spike was a comfort long before we became lovers. He barely knew me the first time he climbed into my bed to soothe my nightmares away. I remember that when I woke up, I felt safe. It was the safest I had ever felt. I think I did the same for him. I hope so.

So, yeah. Werewolf Xander is the thing here. Not so bad as things go - as least he’s locked up every full moon and not out eating the populace. It’s better than vampire-me, or hyena-me, or - gods I’m still pissed about this one - bug-eating-man-bitch-me. I wonder what surprises the next world holds in store for me?

The following is from Quantum Xander 1.

Part 71

I met Jesse. Wow, does he ever look different. I mean he’s not the same skinny, semi-geeky, guy he was in high school. He’s gotten a lot taller; he has a nice build, lean but muscular - not unlike Spike. He and Xander have been together since they were fifteen. Since Jesse kissed Xander the night of his birthday. Kinda like the other world with Xan and Spike. Only this time, Jesse wasn’t vamped.

Turns out, instead of grabbing Jesse and running like hell, Darla grabbed Willow instead. So Darla got Willow, turned her, and Jesse was the one to stake her. Tough break.

I asked them not to tell me anything until after I had a nap - all this shifting from place to place is making me ill. By the time I woke up, it was rather late and since Xander and Jesse both had to work early in the morning, I didn’t learn much more than what I’ve told you.

Angel still lost his soul, Buffy still sent him to Hell; since Cordy and I never dated, Anya never came to fulfill her wish, and Dawn still showed up a couple years ago and was chased around by a Hell God. Same old same old. Oh yeah, and Spike is chipped. I want to ask about Cordelia and Oz, find out if they were ever fringe members of the group, if Oz is all wolfy here, or if Cordy ever moved to L.A., but at the same time, I’m afraid I won’t like the answers.

I know that Angel saved Cordy’s life after she moved to L.A., so if he never came back after the whole Acathla deal, who was there to rescue Cordy? Did anyone rescue Cordy? And what if Oz is a werewolf, but because he never dated Willow, he didn’t come to us for help. Was he hunted and killed by that wacko hunter? Too many unanswered questions, too many differences to learn about them all.

I borrowed a few books to read from Giles. I told him about the magical abilities of some of my doubles and he suggested that I stop messing around with spells until I get back home. But seeing as I don’t know if I’ll ever get home, that doesn’t seem likely. I need to keep my mind occupied, and I need to learn what I’m capable of. I’m not crazy, I understand the dangers of magic use; I’m not going to go all Amy or anything. I just want to learn, to find my power and bring back Spike - if there’s even a way to do that.

I told Giles about my theory - that I don’t get to shift until I find out about myself in each new reality. He brought up a few good points, as well. He reminded me that I hadn’t actually learned anything about myself in the Acathla world, that when I shifted it could be reasoned that it was because I was in danger. It made sense. ’Cause also, I shifted when the Initiative stormed the Hyperion, thereby bringing Spike along with me. There goes my ‘dying before I ever get home’ theory. Unless it’s of old age, which is highly possible.

So, moral of the story? If I don’t like where I end up, I could always just place myself in mortal danger and - if Giles theory is correct - shift right out of there. Hmm, maybe I could use this to do something I normally would never do, like rob a bank or something equally stupid - like make Giles eat a book the next time he says my situation is “fascinating”. It’s not frigging fascinating when you’re living it!

Nah, not my style, I’m one of the good guys after all. Just, you know, something to think about, break up the monotony. Oh, but the look on the G-man’s face... might actually be worth it. Maybe I will have those flyers printed up and beat him over the head with them. He can learn the answers to his questions by osmosis. See, I do read.

The other thing we talked about was the speed of my recent shifts. He didn’t want to get my hopes up, but he said it was entirely possible that my journey - read ‘curse’ - was coming to an end. God I hope so, but I don’t want to get my hopes up either. Like Dad used to say: “Don’t hold your hand on your ass waiting, it’ll grow there.” Ah, the pearls of wisdom of my youth.

It’s 3 AM here, Giles is sleeping; everyone else has gone home and I’m bored to tears. If it weren’t for this journal, I think I would have lost my mind by now. I can’t help but wonder if Spike felt the same way- Did he use his journal to figure out his feelings the way I do? Or did he just keep track of our journey in it. Was it a personal thing, or merely a log?

I feel a lot better, more in control of myself since that other Spike gave me his blood. He was right, it did help. Maybe now would be a good time to go through Spike’s things? I really do want to read his journal - I miss him and I think it would help me to feel closer to him again. Yeah, I’m going to do it.

The following is from Quantum Xander 1.

Part 72

I don’t even know where to start. After having breakfast with Giles, I went to the shop with him; he said he had a couple of books there he thought I might find helpful. On the way there, as is my luck, I shifted.

This Sunnydale is a fucking nightmare. Not in the “Angel opened the gates of Hell” or “Glory tore down the walls between dimensions” kind of way. More in the “Everyone’s a Stepford Wife” kind of way.

The Initiative owns this town. Literally. The University is now a military base, all the people in town? Soldiers and their families. The high school has been destroyed and cleared away. A small building surrounded by electrified fences, topped with barbed-wire sits in its place, directly over the hellmouth. The people walking around town are like automatons. Perfect little people going about their lives in a perfect little town where nothing is out of the ordinary. Like I said, Stepford Wives. Only thing is, they know what’s going on; they just don’t want the rest of the world to find out.

I never realized that something I did could have such an impact on the world. It’s all because of me. This world’s Xander joined the army. He took Spike’s advice to heart and enlisted. Turns out he did exceptionally well in the military. He’s now a head advisor on demons to the Sunnydale branch of the Initiative. But I get ahead of myself.

I was walking through town, looking at a lot of empty shops; shops like the Magic Box, and other occult stores. They have no reason to exist here; the army doesn’t need magic, it has stun guns after all.

A.D.A.M. almost succeeded in this reality. Without Xander, the scoobies were a man short to complete the spell that led to his demise. They ended up going ahead with it anyway, and it almost killed Willow and Giles. Buffy managed to blow up the base but A.D.A.M. escaped.

It took months and the assistance of the military before he was captured and destroyed. In the mean time, a lot of people - and demons - died needlessly. Buffy and the others thanked the army for their assistance and wished them well. They thought the Initiative was gone, over, defunct. They were wrong. It came back, and it was stronger than ever. Because they now had one Alexander LaVelle Harris on their side.

With my double’s knowledge and experience with fighting the forces of darkness, they understood what had gone wrong the first time around. Demons could not be tamed, could not be used as a weapon to destroy their enemy. All humans were enemies to a demon’s way of thinking, enemies and food. They now knew that Maggie Walsh was a fool. They wouldn’t make that mistake again.

But being the military, they couldn’t just keep their noses out of it either. They knew about the slayer, about her calling and her obligation to do her duty. Xander made sure they understood how committed Buffy was to her job. But, he also told them about Faith; about what happens when all that power falls into the wrong hands.

So, instead of capturing and experimenting on demons, they just want to destroy them. Annihilate them from the face of the earth. It’s a good theory, but not all demons are bad. Some of them are even good, or at the very least, necessary.

They make no allowances for prophecy, or the future. They don’t discriminate about status either. Half-demons are still demons as far as they are concerned. This is the part that scares me.

I know Angel had a friend - his seer - who was half demon. Doyle. In one reality this man was my lover; he was a good man and never did anything to hurt anyone. But by this Initiative’s point of view, he would be an animal, something to be destroyed. Black and White. Good and Evil.

This Xander is so naive. He hates demons. All demons. I wonder what it was that made him so hard? Yeah, I know I was once like him, but not to this degree. I was never this bigoted when it came to demons, was I? Sorry, off topic again.

So, I was walking through town when this guy comes up to me and pushes me into an alley. At first I thought he was going to mug me; boy was I wrong. He pushed me up against a wall and kissed me. Shock doesn’t begin to describe my feelings. I pushed him away and wiped my mouth while staring at him in what must have been a mix of shock and anger, ’cause that’s what I felt. He looked at me like he was confused by my reaction before understanding swept over his features. He looked me over again, taking in the differences in my appearance.

You would think, he would have noticed the shoulder-length hair, the duffelbags slung over my shoulder, the fact that I don’t look like a soldier. But apparently not. He introduced himself as Graham Miller and then asked me if there was a reason Xander never told him he had a twin brother.

I should have said that he was ashamed of me, that I was given up for adoption at birth, that I was kidnapped as a small child. Anything but the truth. If I had lied I wouldn’t be in this mess.

This mess, being that I am in a detention cell in the basement of the University-turned-military-base. It seems that they don’t believe my story, but seeing as the tests they performed deemed I was in fact 100% human, they didn’t know what else to do with me.

I tried to talk to my double; he was less than accommodating. He stood silent and stone-faced as I explained everything I had been through. He never even blinked when I told him about Anya being a demon again. I wisely kept my mouth shut about Spike.

They let me have my journal, deciding that it couldn’t cause any harm. Thank God, because otherwise I would have nothing to do. This place is beyond boring. White walls, white floor, even the damn bars on the cell are white. No TV, no radio, no magazines. I’ve been contemplating giving myself a papercut and drawing on the walls with my own blood; I’m that bored.

If there was ever a time to be glad that Spike isn’t with me, this is it. I don’t know what I would do if he was captured and killed by these guys. By my double. Talk about the ultimate betrayal- being dusted by a man with your lover’s face.

By the way my double and this Graham guy - I’m pretty sure he was one of Riley’s friends, by the way - carry on, they’re obviously not out of the closet. Then again, the military frowns on that kind of behavior, doesn’t it? So, maybe I can use this to my advantage if I’m stuck here much longer. I mean, there isn’t even any privacy to use the toilet.

Not that I think I’ll be here long; if the pattern holds, I should shift out soon. I think I’ve learned about what happened here, after all. Oh yeah, I should probably tell you about Buffy and the others.

After the spell to defeat A.D.A.M., Giles had a heart attack. He’s still alive, but he went back to England. Willow and Buffy left after the Initiative took over the town. There was no reason to stay, seeing as most of the demons were dead or gone. Plus, there was another hellmouth in Cleveland.

Far as I know, Spike escaped to L.A.; he went to Angel for sanctuary. I don’t know what happened to him after that. For all I know, Angel may have staked him on sight, or the soldier boys might have tracked him down. Hard to say, seeing as how this world’s Xander has such a hate-on for vamps and all. Hell, they might have gone to L.A. and staked Angel, as well.

Miller is back; he’s standing a few feet away from my cell, just looking at me. To tell the truth, the guy gives me a wiggins. The way he looks at me is seriously creepy. It’s the same way that demon back in Acathla’s dimension was looking at me - like I’m a fuck toy. I really hope he doesn’t get any ideas.

Crap. Seems like he’s the guard on duty for the night. The others are leaving; no sign of my double at all. Great. I hope Giles was right about my shifting if I’m in danger, otherwise I think I’m about to be raped by my double’s boyfriend. Why do these things always happen to me?

The following is from Quantum Xander 1.

Part 75-A

Here I am a zombie. Sort of. Not really, but I’m the walking dead, so what else are you gonna call it? Remember back in high school, Jack? Yeah, the crazy guy who wanted to raise his buddies from the dead - and succeeded. Turns out, he killed me. Stuck a knife through my chest and then let me die. He brought me back like ten minutes later, but still. So we have dead Xander. Or Zombie Xander if you prefer, which he doesn’t, by the way.

You want to know what’s really sad though? I finally realize why I never stood a chance with Buffy. I have this pesky little breathing problem. Seems she prefers her guys without circulation or that annoying beating-of-the-heart sensation. But hey, if I had known that back then, I probably would have let Jack kill me. So who’s the pathetic one?

Now that I think about it, I wonder what was going with Spike and Buffy back home. They seemed awfully … close. I know she trusted him to look after Dawn, and we all accepted him as part of the group after Buffy died, but since she came back he seemed to be hanging around a lot more, acting like he belonged by her side, like he was …

Oh. My. God.

Buffy and Spike are sleeping together. They’re having sex. I should have figured this out sooner. I mean it’s not like I haven’t been in places where they were together - Hell I’m a pregnant woman because of their involvement. Crap. Now what am I supposed to do? How am I gonna look at Buffy, knowing she gets to hold her Spike, kiss her Spike, and I don’t. She has this wonderful man - vampire - who loves her completely and I have nothing but memories. I’m going to end up resenting her. I don’t want that.

God. For the first time since this happened, I don’t want to go home.

The following is from Quantum Xander 1.

Part 75-B

“I’ve made it home. It was never Anya; all this time I thought she was the one responsible. It was Halfrek. And it was my wish that was granted. I think I might have to have a spell cast that prevents me from saying that word ever again.

If Spike had survived, she would have sent him home, back to Riley and his life of slavery. I’m glad he’s gone. It’s better this way. The only thing is, if I find a way to bring Spike back, I can’t use it until I find a way to destroy Halfrek’s powers first. It’s too much to think about right now. Too much pain, too much loss.

I miss Spike. I always thought that he’d be here with me, that our first night home would be spent making love in this bed. Instead, I’m here alone. Alone and miserable. God. I don’t even know if I have a job anymore. I can’t do this. Not tonight. I just want to sleep. I’ll deal with everything else tomorrow.

I’m finally home.

The following is from Quantum Xander 2 when Souled Spike read Xander’s Journal.

Part 6

I haven’t written since I’ve been back. It just seems so weird; this was a part of a life I no longer lead. I’m home now, no unexpected shifts into alternate realities, no meeting other Xanders out there and finding out what their lives are like. No wondering what the next place will be like.

Life here is simple compared to that. I get up, I go to work - yes I still have my job. Thanks Anya! - I come home, shower, eat, go to Buffy’s, patrol, and then come home to bed. Well at least I did. That all changed yesterday. While at Buffy’s place getting ready to head out, Spike showed up. I almost swallowed my tongue.

I admit it hurt to see him, he was so beautiful in this tight blue shirt, hair freshly bleached. He looked like a wet dream. And he only had eyes for Buffy. I realized then that my life had just taken on new levels of pain. He’s not my Spike, but he’s still Spike, and it hurts knowing he loves her.

I was lying in bed trying to figure out what was different about him when it dawned on me - Spike has a soul. I went to the high school and brought him home with me. I was so angry at Buffy; I mean how could she just leave him there? But then I realized she was scared. Of him, of herself, of what she feels. I know Buffy, and she wouldn’t have spent all that time with Spike, sleeping with Spike if she didn’t feel something for him. It’s so much easier for me; yeah I’m a guy and no one knows I’m bisexual yet, but she’s a slayer, and she’s having emotional feelings toward a demon.

Yeah, it’s happened before - Angel - and look how well that worked out for her, and Spike didn’t even have a soul. I think that’s what made it worse, he tried to rape her; he proved to her just how soulless he was and even though she was angry, even though she was scared, she still felt for him. Now, well, now he goes out and does the one thing that he knows will hurt himself the most just to give her a reason to let herself love him, and she doesn’t know how to deal with it. For all Angel’s declarations of love, without his soul, he hated her. Spike loved her without a soul and got one just to prove it. From her perspective, it’s kinda scary.

So now I have Spike here, and set up in the storage room. I bought him a bed and a dresser, sheets, pillows all the basics. The fridge is stocked with blood; I got him some clothes and asked him to stay. You know what he said? He asked who I was and what I had done with the real Xander.

I miss my lover. At night I crawl into an empty bed; cool sheets caress me instead of cool flesh. I sleep with a pillow spooned to my chest instead of my mate. I see him in my dreams and he smiles at me, holds me close, tells me he’ll never leave me. But then I wake up alone and the pain starts.

I haven’t found anything to deal with it yet. Sometimes it gets so bad I think I might die. The other night on patrol I was almost killed by a fledgling. If it weren’t for the claim I think he would have gotten me. He hissed out ‘Spike’ just before Buffy came up and dusted him from behind. I’d forgotten all about the scent on me from Spike’s claim. I found a spell to mask it the next day, I’ve been using it ever since. Good thing too, or I would have had a lot of explaining to do when Spike showed up like that. It was bad enough when Nancy asked if there was anyone there who hadn’t slept with each other. I’m sure from the look he gave me he could smell my arousal.

I do find him attractive; I mean he’s Spike. Physically, he’s identical to my mate. But he’s not him. I can’t pretend he is, either. I don’t want to. I didn’t bring him home for that. I took him in out of friendship, out of compassion. I only want my Spike, no others. There has to be a spell out there somewhere, and if there is, I’ll find it.

The following is from Quantum Xander 2.

Part 18

This is a fucking mess! Giles came back - potential slayers in tow - and informed us that the First - the newest and biggest evil we’ve faced to date - is trying to wipe out the slayer line. Add to that the fact that Spike has been abducted by said evil and we were unable to get to him because of a fucking Neanderthal vampire, and I’m far from being a happy Xander.

I led Buffy to the place where the spell said he’d be. She went down in this hole - apparently she’d been there before, years ago when Angel was the vampire with a soul that was being targeted by this thing. At least last time it didn’t have a fucking crazy-super-strong-ubervamp working for it.

It almost got Buffy. Fucking hell, how tough does that thing have to be if it almost got her? I mean yeah, Angelus came close - so did Spike a time or two - but that was before. That was when Buffy was still trying to be a normal girl. Now she accepts who and what she is - she is the slayer. She beat a hell God; she came back from the dead - twice. But this vamp? It kicked her ass.

To make matters worse? We lost one of the new girls. She panicked - ran out into the night. The damn Turok Han - aka ubervamp - got her. Then it went after Buffy again. I found her under a pile of rubble - she looked as dead as she did the night she fought Glory. Thank God it was just in appearance this time.

So now what? I won’t give up on getting Spike out of there. No way am I leaving him at that vamp’s mercy. I could smell his blood on that thing. It made me want to rip it to pieces.

Which brings me to my feelings for Spike - this Spike. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I still want my mate back, and I will find a way to bring him back, but I feel something for this Spike. Something more than just friendship - something base, primal, like on an instinctual level I feel connected to him. It has to be the bond - the claim I have with my Spike. The blood that this Spike spilled on the counter - the blood that I ingested without his knowing - must tie me to him in a way, as well.

I know he loves Buffy, but he feels something for me. Something that goes beyond friendship, beyond gratitude. He looks at me almost possessively at times. I have to wonder if he feels something from the claim my Spike made - or would he have to drink from me to feel it?

I tried to will Spike back - you know, the same way I turned a bar full of demons into kittens - but it didn’t work. Too bad too, ’cause if I could get it to work, I could use it to bring my Spike back, as well. Fuck, I miss him. I really wish he were here right now to hold me. I always felt safe in his arms. I haven’t felt safe since I lost him. Not completely anyway; there was that one night when the other souled Spike held me while I slept, but that wasn’t even close to how I feel when I’m with my Spike, my lover, my mate.

I need to call Angel. I should have done it awhile ago - after Spike told me about Darla being resurrected by some demonic lawyers in L.A. But, as usual, the hellmouth rears its ugly head and interferes with my life. The spell they used had drawbacks, though. Darla came back human. I don’t want a human Spike - I want my Spike, demon and all. But I’ll do what I have to do. Even if it means convincing Angel to turn him again.

He won’t be happy about it. I know he won’t; he refused to do it for Darla, so I doubt he’ll do it for Spike - or me, for that matter. I wonder if Angelus would be a better choice? I’m sure I can find a way to strip him of his soul if necessary - but I doubt I could trust Angelus to follow through on the turning. He’d probably just drain Spike and leave him for dead. Oh God. Or worse - he could claim sire’s right and take him as mate - taking him away from me. No, not going to risk that! Have to find another way - a way to bring him back as a vampire. Shit, this sucks!

The following is from Quantum Xander 2.

Part 23

Halfrek lied.

Anya told me tonight, during an impromptu dinner date. Hallie didn't change things back. She lied to me, just to hurt me. And I should be surprised, why? Hello? Demon. She didn't actually have the authority to change anything, at least not anything major. Spike and Dawn are still in the reality I left them in, the Spike that Angel drained is still dust, and the Spike and Xander that I helped to get together are still together - living in sin with the Buffybot! Hee hee.

But she did manage to screw with a few things; the spell I gave Willow - the permanent soul restoration - was destroyed. So, God only knows what happened there. I just hope Spike and Angel didn't give each other a moment of pure happiness. Bitch! It seems that anything tangible that I left behind was destroyed - as if I hadn't been there, but the people who died, or the people who shifted with me are still the same. Which is good, ‘cause the thought of Riley Finn being resurrected makes my blood boil!

Now I understand why Anya wanted to know about Spike and me. This Spike, that is. See, I no longer have to worry about her sending him back to his dimension. If I find a spell, I can use it right away. I don't have to find a way to take care of Halfrek first. I guess Anya was worried that I would have to choose between my lover and my friend. She wanted to spare me that. I really love her, I'm glad we're friends.

So, now I need to find a spell. I looked in my book - stared at the pages until I thought I'd burn a hole through them - no luck. I guess it's just not time yet, or it isn't in there. Damn it! I need to find the damn thing. I can't keep on like this; I need Spike.

I dreamed that he bit me last night. Then I woke with a fresh bite on my neck. I don't know what happened, whether it really happened, or whether Spike - this Spike - bit me. He slept with me last night. In the sleeping sense of the word, not the groiny sense. Of course, that doesn't explain why we made out in the bathroom like a couple of horny teenagers.

Yep. That's right. I had sort-of-sex with Spike. We were fully dressed, or at least he was. I was in a towel, but there was a lot of rubbing against each other and we both came, so therefore, sex. In the sort-of sense. But no kissing. At least there wasn't kissing. That would have made it far too personal - too intimate.

He bit me. I asked for it. Hell I practically begged for it. He started it. No, actually I did, but I didn't know he was there. I was still bleeding from the bite I woke up with, and I stuck my fingers to the wound - then I sucked them into my mouth. I guess from a vampire's point of view, that could be considered erotic. It must have been to Spike, ‘cause he grabbed me, and the next thing I knew he was licking the trail of blood off my chest - up to my shoulder- and then suckling at the wound.

I lost it. I grabbed him, pulled him close, and begged for more. He bit. I wrapped my leg around him like a slut and humped for all I was worth. He did too. So, sort-of-sex was had in the bathroom. Now we're all weird with each other. Spike was almost blushing when I saw him tonight. I swear, if vamps could blush, he would have been as red as Willow's hair. I wasn't much better. I was torn between embarrassment and arousal. I wanted to touch him, and I was embarrassed that I wanted to.

I can't keep this up. I miss my lover, my Spike, but I want this Spike. I want to touch him, kiss him. I want to find out if he tastes the same, if he'd moan the same way if I were to bite his collarbone. I want to know if he'd scream my name as I drove inside him hard and fast.

I'm scum. I'm worse than scum. I'm falling for Spike. For a souled version of the demon I love. How is it even possible? Okay, William has always been a big part of who Spike is, even before the soul. Even I could see that. So, I guess maybe it's not so hard to believe that I could fall for this Spike. But what about my Spike? How do I explain this to him? Better yet, how do I explain it to this Spike? Should I explain it to him? I mean, yeah, he's obviously attracted to me on a physical level and he likes me as a friend but he told me himself that it can't happen again, that he loves Buffy.

And, I think Buffy loves him too. Or she could, at least. If she'd let herself. I can't hurt her like that. I have a Spike of my own; having them both - while a nice idea - would be greedy.

I need sleep. Tomorrow I'll call L.A. and talk to Angel, see if he has any ideas about how to get Spike back. If I have to, I'll go with the "bring Spike back human and have him turned" option. Maybe this Spike would do it? God, how Freudian - siring oneself. I'm sure somewhere, some psychiatrist would have a field day with this one!

The following is from Quantum Xander 2.

Part 33

We’re on our way home. I gotta say I’m glad Wills didn’t do that to me on purpose. I missed my best friend, and finding out that she only wanted to help me get over having to stake Jesse - it’s a load off my mind. It was still wrong, but she realizes that now, so it’s done. No more feeling bitter and hateful towards Willow.

Angel’s soul is secure; we didn’t test it, but I know it is. Still, he plans on coming down to remedy that after Spike and I finish our bonding. I don’t know when that’ll happen, but it will likely be soon. I have mixed feelings about that. I want him, no doubt there, but I still can’t help but feel I’m betraying my Spike by doing this. Plus, there is the fact that Spike even admitted he’s never bottomed for a human before. He made it sound like it was something he wasn’t interested in changing either. I don’t really have a problem with that, I enjoy it either way, but if this is going to be a long term thing between us - and from what I understand about mates, it is - then it needs to be on equal footing. Something we’ll have to talk about sooner or later.

Then there is Angel. Christ, when he first twigged to what was happening - and I will so be having words with Spike when I get back, I mean he could have warned me - he was furious. I had to resort to whispering things in Gaelic to him just to get him to let me go! It’s a good thing he’s a predictable vampire - Spike says he always gasps out the same phrases during sex. It was enough to get him off of me and give me time to explain a few things.

So much has happened. I don’t even know where to start. Cordelia was possessed by a … not real sure what she was, but damn, was she ugly. Willow helped me to cast her out of Cordy, and with no host body she just sort of… fizzled out. It was kinda gross. Oh, and Cordelia’s not preggers anymore now, either. Turns out the thing was trying to give birth to herself. Yuck!

The green guy - Lorne - gave me some good news. He knew of a spell that will bring my Spike back. It calls for some really out-there ingredients, though. Not the least of which, being blood of the sire, the subject and the sorcerer. So, Angel, Spike, and I assume the sorcerer is me. That I can do. I have Angel’s blood - he was really good about giving it to me after what Willow and I did for Cordelia; I’m pretty sure that Spike will give me his blood, and I already have my own. It’s the other stuff that’s gonna be difficult. I mean, the powdered Racashka’s horn alone is going to take time to track down. I don’t care, though. I have a way to bring him back now. Finally, he’ll be here with me the way he should have been all along.

The only thing that worries me is how is this going to work? I love my mate and I missed him so much, but now I have this other Spike and he’s my mate now, too. I don’t want to hurt him. I love him, as well. How is this possibly going to work? I know that my Spike said it’d be fine, that everything would work out in the end, and I believe him, but it’s the beginning and the middle that has me concerned. Spike is very possessive; both of them are. And with this Spike having a soul, he’s so damaged right now that I’m afraid anything that my Spike says or does to him could hurt him. It’s no secret what my mate thinks about having a soul, and then there is the whole “falling for a slayer” thing.

I should just go and buy myself a black and white striped shirt. I’m going to be playing referee quite a bit, I can tell. I mean the idea of being in the middle of them sounds good in theory, but not when it’s going to be to keep them from killing each other.

Then there’s the ring. It belongs to Spike. I gave it to him and I wouldn’t even think of taking it back, but what about this Spike? I mean, doesn’t he deserve to walk in the sunlight too? How are Spike and I ever going to enjoy a day out in the sun knowing that he’s back at the apartment -or worse, at Buffy’s - trapped inside?

I kinda wish this had never happened. Not because I don’t love this Spike; I do. It’s just that suddenly my life is way more complicated than I ever thought it would be. I mean, the gay thing took me by surprise, the Spike thing was even more of a shock, but two Spikes? One souled and one chipped? How am I supposed to deal with this?

Thank God Willow is a better driver than Buffy. I need this time to sort things out and I would never let Buffy drive my car on the freeway. We’re probably an hour away from Sunnydale now. Faith is coming back with us since there is no big evil in L.A. that needs her attention right now. And hey? First Evil? I’m thinking there’s no such thing as too many slayers!

So, all I need now is for Cordelia to come on down, and then I can sit around with all my past lovers in front of my current one. Gee, uncomfortable much? But Angel says Faith has changed, and from what I’ve seen, I believe him. I just hope Buffy can accept her; we need the extra muscle and I’m a firm believer in second chances. If Angel and Spike deserve another chance, why not Faith?

I keep coming back to Willow. God, if I had just told her everything in the beginning, I could have saved myself so much grief. How is it that the demons in my life know more about human relationships than I do? I mean both Anya and Spike told me that I should talk to my friends, tell them everything and get it sorted. But not me; no, Xander has to hold onto a grudge and let it fester. I can be such an ass at times. I hurt Willow. I didn’t trust her, and I let my suspicions harden my heart against her. Thank God she loves me.

She’s pretty forgiving, my Willow. She told me she didn’t blame me, that if it had been her, she might have reacted the same way. After seeing her go all “Evil Willow” in that one reality, I really hope that that is a side of her I never see in this Willow.

Faith is being pretty cool about the whole thing. Even the “Spike as my mate” part. I think she has her ideas about Angel and me, as well. She gave us this weird little grin when we came out of the office and later she made some cryptic remark about Sunnydaler’s getting all the hot vamps. If she only knew!

Wills and she are chatting away in the front seat. Discussing the First, Angelus, Cordy’s possession and pregnancy. Faith told her about the dream-sharing with Angelus, and I gotta say I laughed at the puppy rescue. Only Angelus would consider that a nightmare. Although, I have to admit, the Angelus I met - the one that tortured Riley - was nothing like the crazy fucker we all knew and hated when he was loose in Sunnydale. He was different, more in control. Spike said he used to be like that before the curse. Now, he’s just crazy. But maybe not as crazy as we think. He did take out the Beast after all, ended the no-sunlight issue. It’s a moot point now though, what with Angel’s soul being permanent.

That’s the other thing. Before the spell, Angel was all “I don’t want to know about you and me” and after? He was all hands and lips and “Welcome to the family”. I mean, what’s up with that? Maybe he’s channeling his inner demon? I should have had Tara or Willow look over the spell for me. I think I might have blended a bit of Angelus into Angel’s personality; either that or the man was a horn-dog before he was turned. I’ll have to ask Spike about that. What Liam was like before he ran into Darla and met death at the end of sharp, pointy teeth.

Then again, maybe bringing Angel up when Spike and I haven’t even had the sex yet is a bad idea. He’s still sore about Angelus taking Drusilla away from him, and about the fact that Buffy still loves Angel. He might get a bit… Angry? Growly? Possessive? I don’t want to be the cause of any more of his pain. Maybe I should tell him what Angel said, about being over Buffy. It might help. Then again, do I want to offer any false hope? Plus, hello? Mated to me now? How the hell would he and Buffy ever make it work when he belongs to someone else?

I don’t think I’d be very good about it either. Just the thought of the two of them together now makes my stomach twist. I can feel my anger and jealousy rising to the surface. I have to remind myself that it isn’t real, that there is nothing going on between them. That they weren’t… together while I was in L.A.

Damn this bond thing is hard!

That was the last entry from Xander’s Journal in Quantum Xander 1 and 2.

If Jameschick writes more, I’ll update…



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