Part 41

Spike and Xander exchanged a quick look before following Angel up the stairs. They didn’t know what exactly was going on inside the old hotel, but they knew that it was nothing good, not judging from the inhuman wail they had just heard.

The scene that awaited them upstairs was enough to send Spike back into his own mind for protection. Xander barely caught him as he collapsed in on himself.

Spike, or what resembled Spike, was staring wide-eyed at nothing, screaming, and rocking back and forth. It was the straightjacket that really threw Xander for a loop. He wanted to know what the hell was wrong with him, what Angel had done to him. But his first priority was the vampire in his arms.

Angel whipped his head around as Spike’s wails increased in volume and he began to thrash about in his restraints. Xander saw the golden eyes, the feral expression - directed at him - and knew that this was not Angel’s doing. Angel was trying to help Spike; the restraints were likely for Spike’s own good.

“Leave. Now. You’re making him worse.”

“Okay, I’m gone - we’re gone.”

Xander lifted Spike into his arms and began walking away. He didn’t want to be the cause of that Spike’s distress, and he had other things to deal with right now. He was at the bottom of the stairs when Angel reached out and put a hand on his shoulder to stop him.

“I’m sorry. He doesn’t react well to humans. Especially men. Can we meet later? There’s a coffee shop around the corner, about an hour?”

“Okay. If I’m not there, wait for me. Spike needs me right now.”

“What happened to him?”

“Long story. Later, eh?”

Xander managed to get Spike and the motorbike outside. He went back in for their bags and then carefully drove them to the closest hotel. He was nowhere near as good on the bike as Spike was, but he managed fairly well for a guy with only two lessons and a practically comatose vampire strapped to his back.

The hotel was not one of the nicest places he’d ever stayed in but the bedding was clean and there were no mildew monsters in the bathroom, so it would do.

Xander led Spike inside and laid him gently on the bed. He then drew a hot bath before coming back and clinically undressing his lover and carrying him into the bathroom. Xander lowered them both into the water and held Spike to his chest, gently wetting him down and beginning to wash him.

About halfway through, Spike began to come around again. He started at first, then realized that Xander was with him. He closed his eyes and tried to ignore the sudden barrage of images his mind was spitting at him. He didn’t want to relive this; he wasn’t strong enough to go through it again. Not yet anyway.

Spike turned his head more and burrowed into Xander’s chest. He felt strong arms wrap around him, gentle kisses were pressed into his hair and soothing sounds were whispered into his ear. He felt safe here, only here, only with Xander.

Xander felt Spike begin to shudder before the first icy tears hit his warm skin. Spike was crying. Xander had no idea what to do for him; he could only continue to hold him, to offer comfort and soft words of assurance.

“Xander.”

A pitiful whisper of his name. It made his chest constrict. He hated hearing Spike so hurt, so broken. He once again hated leaving Riley Finn in one piece. If he could go back, he would tear him apart with his bare hands.

“I’m here, love. I’ll always be here.”

Xander’s arms tightened as Spike began to cry in earnest. Harsh, broken sounds followed by a high keening wail that spoke volumes about his state of mind. Seeing the other Spike, the way he looked, must have brought all Spike’s repressed memories to the fore.

Eventually the sobbing tapered off, the water turned cool, and they had no choice but to abandon their safe-haven in the bathtub. Xander dried them both and once again scooped Spike into his arms. He tucked him into the bed and kissed him gently.

“I’m going out for a bit. I told Angel I’d meet him to talk, you should stay here and rest. I won’t be long.”

Xander got dressed under the watchful eye of his lover. Once he was finished dressing he sat down on the bed beside Spike again and kissed him.

“I’ll be at the coffee shop around the corner from Angel’s hotel. It’s not far from here. I’ll stay if you need me.”

Spike gave him a gentle smile.

“S’okay, luv, you go talk to Angel. I could use the time alone. Sort my head out.”

Xander nodded and headed for the door. He picked up his jacket and was just stepping out the door when Spike called out to him.

“Xander?”

So hesitant, so unsure.

“You are coming back? Right?”

Xander was back inside and had Spike in his arms in an instant. He held him tightly and felt his eyes fill with unshed tears. That Spike felt he needed to ask that, it broke his heart.

“Of course I am. Spike, I’m always going to come back to you. I… I love you.”

Xander felt the body in his arms sag with relief so he said it again.

“I love you, Spike. I’ll always come back.”

Arms like steel bands crushed him to the vampire’s chest. The tears spilled freely down his cheeks and a soft voice replied in kind.

“I love you too, Xander, I love you too.”

Part 42

Well, luv. You’ve just left to meet the ponce, and can I say how bloody difficult it was to send you away after you told me you loved me? Honestly, if I didn’t need the time to get my head on straight, you’d be in this bed with me instead of this stupid bloody book.

Christ, I love you. You always seem to know what I want, what I need. Tonight, I needed to hear that you loved me, that I was worth being loved. You gave me that, a sense of worth. I hate being weak, being needy, but I feel safe with you, safe enough to cry in your arms and not feel ashamed for having done it. Only felt that way one other time in my life, and that was before I was turned, and I was just a child then.

Never trusted anyone since I was turned, I couldn’t. Demons just aren’t a trustworthy lot. Look at my Sires; Angelus fucked off on me, and Dru kept lifting her skirts for anything with or without a pulse - horns and slime only made it more enticing. Never knew a human I wanted to trust, not until you.

Seeing that other me tonight, fuck. I lost it, went inside myself to escape. He’s me; about four months, maybe, after you found me. He’s what I would be if not for you. I can see it in his eyes, smell it in his scent. He reeks of them, Finn, and his boys. I’m surprised Angel can’t smell it, maybe he can.

I don’t want to think about the past, remember the pain, the humiliation and feeling of hopelessness. I may be a soulless demon, luv, but those humans could give the devil himself lessons in torture. I wonder why Angel hasn’t put the poor bugger down? He should. Death would be a release, I know, I craved it myself and I wasn’t near as bad off as he is. Poof better hope I don’t get a minute alone with him, I will stake him. He wants it; it’s all he wants now. Just an end to the pain.

I’m afraid to close my eyes, I can feel them in my head, they want to hurt me, break me, use me up and leave me torn and bleeding. It was a game to them, you know. It was never about training me, like he said to you. Undead houseboys, yeah, right.

You know they skinned me once? Peeled me like a fucking apple. I screamed, I’ll admit. Wouldn’t you? One long strip from shoulder to wrist, both sides. Then my legs, ankle to thigh. They laughed while they did it; couple of ’em even jerked off onto my skinless chest and back once it was all finished. I could still smell them, under my skin when it grew back. I had to cut it off again myself to wash away the filth. Wasn’t easy, I couldn’t reach my back, I ended up pouring holy water on it to burn the skin away.

Shouldn’t have told you that. Too much for you to have to bear. You’ll think I’m crazy, barmy as Dru. Might be - for all I know, I am sitting in Angel’s hotel, wearing a straightjacket and hallucinating that this is all real.

Oh. Fuck. Shouldn’t have even let myself think that. Shit, Xander. Come back. I need to see you, need to know I’m not crazy. You can take me, fuck me, anything, just let me know you’re real. I can’t do this if you’re not real.

What if I’m still in Sunnyhell? Tied down somewhere with that bastard Finn rearranging my innards? Wouldn’t be a first, carve me open, take something out, put it back in wrong. Just to see if it would fix itself. ’Course, only way to know for sure was to cut me open again in a day or two.

What the hell did I ever do to deserve this? Yeah, I killed people, I’m a vampire, damn it. They were my food. I didn’t torture them, didn’t shred them into tiny little pieces just for fun. I was never this cruel, this heartless. And I’m a soulless monster. What does that say for the soul-having community at large? When a monster shows more compassion than they do?

Xander, come home. Back to the hotel, back to me. Please. Oh God, please. I want you. I need you so badly. Too scared to go find you, don’t know this place yet, he could be out there, waiting for me. Need you, love, need you so bloody bad.

I can feel the hopelessness welling up inside me again. I’ve been lost for so long, love. So long that I can hardly believe I’m not anymore. I’m not, right? This is real? You. And me. You and me? Oh fuck, Xander, hurry back, hurry love. I need you. Scared, so bloody scared without you.

Part 43

It was with a sickening delight that Angel returned to his hotel and his childe. He had had to tranquilize Spike before leaving; the younger vampire’s mental state was just too far gone to leave him conscious and alone. But now that his business was in order - that being one Riley Finn who was currently trussed up like a turkey in the trunk of his Plymouth - he wanted to see his childe, be there when the drug wore off and he opened his eyes. He wanted to see if there was any recognition when he told him who he had, and what he planned to do to him.

Angel parked the car in the underground parking and turned off the ignition. He slowly walked to the back of the car, enjoying the scent of fear he could detect even through the layer of metal that separated him from his prey. He would not bring this filth inside his home, but he wasn’t taking any chances that he would suffocate down here in the car’s trunk. No, that would be too easy. Not a fitting punishment for a man who had broken one of the strongest beings Angel had ever known. No, if Angel had his way, it would take weeks, months even, for the bastard to die.

Riley was unceremoniously dragged out of the car and flung into the far corner of the garage. Angel approached him slowly, relishing the look of fear and utter horror on his face. Oh yeah, he could feel his demon’s glee and welcomed it as his own. This sniveling human had dared touch what was his, had raped and defiled him in the most horrendous fashion. He recognized the man’s scent all over his childe now that he was familiar with its source.

The first of the chains that Angel had left there in preparation was looped around Riley’s legs and then secured with a heavy iron lock. The next set fastened his arms behind his back. A third set was used to immobilize his torso. He was then gagged. The blindfold came last - but not until after he had seen the true face of the man who now held him prisoner. That face and the whisper of a single word in his ear had him wetting his trousers in fear.

“Spike.”

That was all Angel said. It was all he needed to say. Riley now knew why he had been abducted, and what he had been abducted by. He was at the nonexistent mercy of this hostile over acts that he had performed on another. All his years of study had shown that vampires held no loyalty to one another, no filial associations. He just assumed that he would never be made to pay for his actions, that he would never be caught. Boy was he wrong.

Angel whistled as he took the elevator up to his floor. He stopped by his room to shower and change clothes before checking in on his childe. He didn’t want to go in there smelling of the man who had tortured Spike. Once he was free of Finn’s scent he made his way quickly down the hall to Spike’s room.

The blond was still out. The drugs seemed to help him to get much-needed rest, but Angel hated to have to administer them. He knew how much Spike hated not being in control so he only used them when the situation was desperate. And tonight it had been. Xander and the other Spike showing up had sent Spike into a blind panic. There hadn’t been a human in the hotel for weeks now, not since he’d sent his friends away in favor of looking after his childe.

They thought he was nuts, but they could never understand the bond that the vampires shared. Theirs was a chosen bond. Dru had turned William, but William had chosen Angelus to be his sire and mentor. Their exchange of blood and fealty had been voluntary on both sides. Not something to be taken lightly. Angel had betrayed that bond when his soul was returned; he would not betray it now.

The cool, soothing motions of Angel’s fingers cording through his hair brought Spike out of his stupor. His eyes were still vacant, but they were open now. Angel took a deep calming breath and then lay down on the bed beside Spike so that they were facing one another.

“I know Will. I know what has happened to you, what was done. I will avenge you.”

There was no sign that Spike had heard or understood anything Angel said. The older vampire closed his eyes - not wanting the younger man to see his pain reflected in them. He took a risk, said out loud the one thing that might possibly gain him a reaction.

“Riley Finn.”

Spike’s eyes widened and he began to tremble, then he wailed. A long broken sound that seemed to go on and on. Angel wept with him, for him. He held the shaking form to his chest and tried to make it better. He spoke of how he had gone to Sunnydale and captured the hapless soldier. Of how he had beaten him bloody and trussed him up before tossing him in the trunk. How even now he was chained up blind and mute in the underground park, and how, come sunset, he was going to bring Spike down to watch his torture.

The wailing quieted and the form in his arms grew still. Angel wasn’t sure if it was because Spike had shut down again or if he had taken comfort from his vow of revenge. He was afraid to look and see, so he didn’t. He scratched a sharp nail into the flesh of his throat and pulled Spike’s unresisting head toward the wound. He hoped his blood would help to heal him, but he’d been feeding him as often as his body would allow and so far it hadn’t done a thing.

As he felt Spike suckling at the wound he began a low rumbling purr in his chest. It was one of the only things he knew without a doubt calmed his childe. Only a sire’s purr could induce this level of tranquility in a childe. It was something Spike loved to hear and feel, something Angelus had learned long ago.

Part 44

It was the ringing of the phone that woke him. Such a foreign sound to him after all this time. After all, who would possibly be calling him, no one knew he was here… except Angel.

That thought spurred him out of bed and he reached for the phone on the on the table in the corner. He scrubbed his face as he cradled the receiver between his ear and shoulder.

“Hello?”

“I have him. Be here at sundown.”

“Angel?”

“In a fashion.”

“Angelus?”

“Possibly. Don’t really know who I am these days; does it really matter? You want revenge and I’m offering it to you.”

“Right. We’ll be there. Thank you.”

“No, thank you, Xander. Without you I would never have known who hurt my childe, I wouldn’t have known who to exact payment from.”

“We’ll call it even, then. See you soon.”

Xander hung up the phone and turned around to see clear blue eyes watching him intently. He hadn’t had a chance to tell Spike about his little chat with Angel/us last night; now was looking like a good time though.

“Guess you want to know what that’s all about, huh?”

“Would be nice, yeah.”

The next several minutes were spent replaying his conversation from the night before, adding in what the vampire had just told him over the phone.

“Bloody hell, the ole sire’s really coming through on this one, ain’t he?”

“Oh yeah. Had a nice little face-to-face with Angelus last night, and I’m not sure who the hell I was just on the phone with. Either way, doesn’t matter. That bastard is going to pay.”

“I want to watch. I understand if you can’t deal with it, but I need to see what Angelus does to him; I need to hear his screams.”

Xander nodded his understanding. This was why he had asked for a chance at revenge in the first place. It was the closest thing he could get to the man who had hurt his lover. But there was no way he was staying away.

“I’m going. I need to be there, too. If for no other reason, than because you might need me, but I want vengeance on that bastard and Angel has given me permission to take it. You tell me what you want, I’ll do it.”

Spike could hardly believe what he was hearing. Xander was going to make Riley pay - for him. The fact that it wasn’t the same Riley Finn that had done those things to him didn’t make a difference to him. They were all the same, just made by different choices in their lives.

“No, pet. I can’t let you do this. Not for me.”

“What? What do you mean you can’t let me? I’m going to, I need to, Spike. I want to. I look at that other Spike and I see what you could have been. I hate him, I want to fucking destroy him. If there was a way to go back, I’d rip that bastard who touched you to pieces with my bare hands.”

Spike reveled in the absolute anger and rage pouring off his lover, knowing it was all for him, that Xander was this angry because he loved him so much. So much that he was willing to repay in kind what had happened to him. He wanted to take the higher ground on this - tell Xander not to tarnish his soul for him, but he wanted so badly to see his lover bloody that useless piece of shit. He wanted to see Finn broken and bleeding, hurting because he decreed it. He knew what he wanted to ask from his lover, but it might be too much to ask from him.

“Xander, I know what I want. What I want you to do to him - for me.”

“Anything. Well, I can’t kill him, Angel said he wanted that privilege.”

“S’okay, not what I wanted you to do anyway. I want his balls, luv, I want to watch as you make him eat them.”

Spike had vamped out as he said this, his remembered pain and humiliation showing clearly even on his demonic visage. Xander had to force down the bile that rose in his throat. He knew full well that his lover’s request was deeply personal - that he had likely been forced to commit just such an act himself. It only made him want to do it that much more.

“Gladly.”

The next couple of hours were spent quietly comforting one another with soft kisses and whispered words of love and acceptance. Xander didn’t ask about Spike’s time in Sunnydale, and Spike didn’t offer any explanations either. Eventually it was close to sundown and they headed out to the Hyperion. Both more than ready to do this.

Angel met them in the lobby and directed them to go down to the garage. He told them he would join them shortly, that he needed to get Spike first. Xander nodded his understanding and led his very subdued lover into the elevator. He knew that Spike was trying to be brave for him, not wanting to let the fear of seeing Riley again show on his face.

When the elevator stopped, they got off. Before Spike could get any further into the parking garage Xander pulled him close and kissed him.

“Remember, this is about making you feel better. If you don’t want this, we leave.”

“I know, and I do want this. I’m just a bit… apprehensive? I mean I know Angelus - Angel - whatever, has him restrained. I just can’t help the reaction.”

Xander gave him a reassuring squeeze.

“I understand, but remember you’re not alone in this. I’m here.”

“I know, luv, and it means everything to me that you are.”

Hand in hand the two walked into the darkened underground car park. They followed the sounds of harsh breathing and pitiful whimpering noises until they found the bound and helpless form of Riley Finn. Not far away was a table, on it were a varied assortment of instruments - most of which Xander didn’t recognize, but by the look on Spike’s face - the vampire did.

Spike lit the fire on the small hibachi and placed an assortment of knives and other sharp things into the flames to heat. Xander watched as his lover moved around the table, touching the various items, his eyes darting between them and the man they would soon be used on.

Riley was still blindfolded and gagged. He knew he was no longer alone, but he had no idea who or what was with him. He wanted to see who was there, but at the same time knew that it was probably better that he didn’t. He’d much rather face his death blindly than to look into the face of the monster who had taken him, and see the pleasure in his eyes.

Moments later, Angel arrived pushing a wheelchair-bound Spike in front of him. Both Xander and the brunet Spike took in the situation with a mixture of shock and horror. Angel was quick to alleviate their fears.

“He can walk, he’s not physically damaged. He just doesn’t.”

That didn’t really help to help to make either man feel better. The feeling only got worse as Spike began to moan and cringe back into his chair, his eyes clenched shut tightly. Angel crouched in front of him and spoke softly.

“Will, it’s okay. We talked about this remember? That’s Xander, not your childe but his human double. The other one is you, a different version of you. They’re from a different reality. Do you remember?”

All three waited to see what would happen next. Angel smiled as Spike opened his eyes and looked at him.

“That’s right, Will. You do remember now, don’t you? I brought you here to watch as I avenge your humiliation at the hands of that human. He cannot hurt you, not now, and not ever again. You will witness his death at my hands. Do you understand that?”

A blink and then Spike closed his eyes for several seconds before opening them and darting a quick look at Xander and then at the dark-haired version of himself before finally glancing at the bound man on the floor and whimpering in fear.

Angel turned Spike’s attention back to him and gently stroked his fingers through his childe’s hair. After several minutes of this, Spike stopped whimpering and Angel stood.

“Xander, would you help me?”

“Uh, sure. With what?”

Angel smiled a truly scary smile and hoisted Riley to his feet before pointing to a set of rings in the concrete wall. Xander got the idea and quickly helped to fasten Riley to the wall.

“Alright, Xander. You have my permission; take your revenge.”

**Thanks to everyone who answered my plea for Riley’s eye color. I got a lot of different responses but the majority seemed to say hazel, so that’s what I went with.**

Part 45

Xander swallowed hard and then looked at his lover. Spike was still trying to be brave, but Xander could see him slipping back into himself. Being this close to the man who had almost destroyed him - Xander couldn’t imagine what this was doing to his lover.

Xander picked up a sharp knife from the table and under the watchful eyes of the three vampires, cut away Riley’s clothing - leaving him naked, gagged and blindfolded. He looked to Angel for permission before removing the blindfold. He wanted Spike to see the fear in Riley’s eyes as he took in what was about to happen to him.

Riley refused to open his eyes. It pissed Xander off, so he slapped him - hard - across the face. When that didn’t work, Xander simply pried his eyelids open and then watched in satisfaction as Riley saw both Spikes and Angel - in game face - watching.

“Keep them open, Farmboy. Otherwise I’ll cut them out.”

Riley shook with fear but did as instructed. He watched as this human - and he was sure that this man was human - walked calmly toward one of the vampires and kissed him before lifting a knife from the flames and coming back toward him. He screamed behind his gag as a warm hand grasped his testicles and pulled them harshly away from his body before the other hand brought the red-hot blade to his skin.

The smell of burnt flesh was thick in the air; the bound and helpless man thrashed in agony against his restraints, his eyes rolling back in his head as he passed out from the pain.

Xander turned around and saw the approving look Angel gave him and smiled. He apparently met Angelus’ approval. The fact that this pleased him should have scared the living hell out of him, but in this circumstance it seemed fitting.

“Got something I can put these in?”

Angel handed him a small dish and Xander put the soldier’s bloody testicles into it. He then turned to his lover and looked at him, waiting for his response. Spike stepped up to him and kissed him softly before licking the soldier’s blood from his hand.

“I can taste his pain, luv. It’s in the blood. Thank you.”

“Anything for you, Spike. I only wish you could do this for yourself.”

“Me too, luv, me too.”

They were both startled when Angel cleared his throat loudly. With sheepish smiles they stepped back from each other and turned to look at him.

“Might I ask what you’re planning on doing with those?”

Angel indicated the small dish on the table. Xander grinned.

“Thought I’d give our little captive breakfast when he wakes up.”

The glint in Angel’s eyes could only be described as scary. It made Xander very glad that Angel’s soul was still there, even if he wasn’t using it at this moment.

“Then by all means, wake him up.”

Xander nodded and stepped away from Spike. He took a deep breath, reminded himself that Riley had done this, and far worse to his lover and the broken version of Spike, then he hauled his arm back and slapped the man soundly across the face.

Bleary hazel eyes opened and then widened in remembrance. Angel stepped forward and silently handed Xander the small dish where Riley’s dismembered flesh sat in a pool of blood.

“Feeling hungry, Agent Finn? I bet Angelus hasn’t fed you since you’ve been here, has he?”

Xander didn’t wait for an answer, he simply showed Riley what he had in the dish before yanking the gag out of his mouth and forcing the man’s severed testicles into his own mouth.

“Chow down, soldier! You don’t swallow, I’ll find something else to cut off.”

Xander held a blade to Riley’s penis and watched with satisfaction as tears rolled down his cheeks. Nevertheless, he swallowed his own testicles. Great gagging sounds followed but somehow he managed to keep them down.

Spike was enjoying the hell out of this. Watching that piece of shit get tortured was doing a lot of good for his fragile sanity. It didn’t hurt any that seeing his boy go all alpha was turning him on something fierce. Blood and torture - two sure-fire ways to make a demon hard.

Xander was almost disappointed that Riley didn’t refuse; he wanted to cause the man so much more pain than he already had. He paused, looked at Spike, then looked at the instruments on the table and smiled. There was one more thing he wanted. For him, this time. He had done what Spike had asked; now it was time to do something for himself.

Xander winked at his lover before picking up a pair of pliers and walking slowly back toward his victim. He made sure Riley saw what he had in his hand before turning to Angel.

“Would you hold his mouth open for me?”

Angel smiled and came forward. He wrenched the human’s mouth open and watched with anticipation as Xander grasped one of Riley’s teeth with the pliers - and pulled.

It came out with a few hard tugs, a lot of blood, and a high-pitched scream. Xander dropped the tooth into the dish he had previously kept the soldier’s balls in and moved on to the next tooth.

While all this was going on, Spike noticed that his blond counterpart had begun to show signs of coherence again. He slowly approached him so as not to frighten him and spoke to him in a low voice.

“You see that? That’s my Xander. Still human yeah, but look at him. Bloody magnificent isn’t he? I bet yours was a thing of beauty too, eh? I met a vampire Xander once; he was Dru’s childe, a real piece of work, Master of the hellmouth and everything. I think your Xander would have liked this - seeing his human self torture that piece of shit. Looks good on him. Wish I could do him myself, though. Bet you do too, huh?”

Another tooth extracted, and more screams filled the air. Riley choked on the blood that filled his mouth; he coughed and spat it from his mouth. Some landed on Xander’s face and Xander shuddered as Angel leaned toward him and licked it off.

“His blood tastes good on you.”

Angel smirked as Xander simply touched his face where the vampire had licked him and opened his mouth without sound.

“Anything else you want to do, Xander? Or can the real pain begin now?”

Xander shook his head.

“I’m good. Spike?”

“Yeah, pet?”

“We done? Can Angel play now?”

“Sure thing, luv. C’mere.”

Xander went to his lover who had stepped away from the other Spike - not wanting his human lover’s presence to bother him. He smiled as Spike licked away the few drops of Riley’s blood that Angel had missed.

“Sire’s right, you do taste good.”

Xander didn’t know how to answer that, so he didn’t. He stood behind Spike and wrapped his arms around him as they watched Angel walk in slow circles around the table of torture implements. He would pick something up, look at it, look at Riley while he considered it and then discard it for something else.

Spike whispered into his lover’s ear.

“This is part of the fun, yeah? He gets off on this. The suspense, the not knowing what’s gonna happen. If you were a vamp, you’d be able to sense it - the way Finn’s pulse climbs every time the poof chooses a new toy. The almost relief when he sets it back down. Then there’s the shear terror that’ll follow when Angelus finally picks something and heads toward him. If I were to bite him at that moment, his blood would be so full of fear and anguish… it’d be like the best kinda drug, the biggest high you can get. Watch, see what happens.”

Xander did watch. He watched as Angel finally chose what looked like a policeman’s nightstick, only it was covered in these sharp little points of metal. He watched in abstract fascination as the vampire grinned maliciously and then thrust it unrepentantly into the soldier’s unprepared ass.

Riley howled; Xander shuddered at the sound. He didn’t feel any sympathy for the soldier. Why should he? He knew that this was nothing compared to what he had done to Spike. Speaking of which, Xander glanced over at the blond version of his lover.

Spike was watching, his blue eyes fixed on the scene in front of him. Xander hoped that this would help to heal some of the damage, that the blond could be brought back from wherever it was his mind had retreated to. He hated to see him like that, knowing that he was the only reason his Spike wasn’t in this very same shape. It made him realize that whatever Angel did to Finn, it wouldn’t be enough. Not enough to make up for destroying a creature as strong and beautiful as Spike.

Xander knew there was more to the vampire than just a demon; if that weren’t the case, he would never have fallen in love with him. Hell, even before any of this had happened, Xander knew that Spike was different. Angel had a soul; it was the reason he acted like a man instead of a monster. Spike didn’t have that, and yet he still put his life on the line for Dawn, for Buffy, for all of them at some point. It was that difference that made Xander start to look at him as something other than a thing to be destroyed or pitied.

When Xander came out of his thoughts, he saw that Angel had continued his assault on the helpless soldier. Riley now had alligator clips attached to his nipples. Wires were attached to the clips, and attached to the wires was a heavy-duty battery with a power switch. As soon as the vampire flipped the switch, Riley began to convulse as the electricity ran through him.

Once the body stopped twitching, Angel looked at it in disgust. He slapped Riley’s slack face and waited. Nothing. He tried again but there was still no response. Not happy, but willing to wait, Angel walked back to his childe and crouched down in front of him.

Spike shifted his gaze from the man on the wall to the vampire in front of him. His eyes looked clearer than they had since he had first been brought to the hotel.

“Sire.”

Part 46

We’re back at the hotel. Angel offered to let us stay, but we declined. I didn’t want to make this world’s Spike uncomfortable, not after he’s finally showing signs of improvement - maybe. At least I hope he is.

Spike is being pretty quiet; right now he’s listening to the CD player and writing in his book. I pretend that I don’t know he has one; he pretends too. He seems to think that it isn’t manly or something - having a journal. Maybe it’s just too William-y for him. I don’t know, but if it helps him, I’m all for it.

I haven’t been tempted to read it. I don’t think I’m ready to know what kind of things he’s written in there. Most likely it’s a retelling of his life with Riley. If he wanted me to know, he’d tell me himself. At least I hope he would.

I have some clue as to what he’s been through; I can guess from his actions and reactions. And what he asked me to do to Riley? Well, let’s just say that I hope that was the worst thing he had ever had done, but I know it isn’t. It’s the worst thing that he felt he could ask me to do for him.

I castrated the bastard and made him eat his own nuts. Me, Xander Harris, full-fledged scooby and all-around white hat. Guess my hat’s not so white anymore now. Thing is, I’m not sure that I ever was a white hat. A grey hat maybe, but not white. I didn’t join up with Buffy’s little group of slayerettes to save the world. I did it because my best friend was killed by vampires and I wanted a little payback.

The fact that Willow stayed, that she wanted to help… That’s why I stayed. Yeah, Buffy’s pretty hot, and yeah I lusted after her but that wasn’t enough for me to risk my life over. There were other pretty girls who could ignore me just as well, some better. I stayed because I couldn’t let Willow do it alone; if I lost her too, my life would have been meaningless. And look how she repaid me.

So here I sit, after six years of slaying the bad guys, killing demons to protect the human population, with the blood of a human on my hands. Not literally, cause eeewww! Also, I think Spike did a thorough job licking them clean. But I have led a man to his death - A human man - to protect a demon, a vampire, my lover.

Angel did a fair bit of damage to Riley. He stuck something the size of my arm up the guy’s ass, electrocuted him, beat him, cut him, bit him, peeled the skin from his back and then had me piss on him. And that was just today’s torture session. I have no idea what’s planned for tomorrow, he only told us to be there again at sunset.

I think, if it weren’t for Spike - not mine, the other one - Angel would have kept on hurting Finn until he died from it. But as it was, Spike needed rest; he had spoken to Angel, called him sire. When Angel smiled at him, he smiled back. Then Angel kissed him. I was wigged out. I mean Angel and Spike? Okay yeah, Angelus and William I can see. But Angel and Spike hate each other - at least the ones back home do. Anyway, after the kiss, Angel went back to his torture and Spike and I watched. I helped out when I was asked - like the pissing thing, and the other Spike slowly slipped back into himself again. By the time Angel called it quits, there was nothing behind his glassy-eyed gaze. I hope it’s a good place he escapes to, somewhere that makes him feel safe and happy.

I asked Spike about the kiss after we left. He said that the bond between sire and childe was stronger than a soul, stronger than hate and pain, longing and love. It was everything. He explained that in Spike’s current state, he needed that bond, to be connected to his sire. That after everything he’d been through, the Initiative, the torture, losing his childe, that Angel was the only hope of ever bringing Spike back.

Spike still thinks that Angel should stake him, or drain him, something. That he’s too far-gone to save and death - final death - would be a mercy. I don’t know; I just can’t stand the idea of Spike being dust, but I don’t like thinking of him spending eternity the way he is either. I don’t envy Angel; I wouldn’t want to have to be the one to make that choice.

I did something else I should tell you. I took revenge for myself as well. I pulled Riley’s teeth out. With a pair of pliers and a bit of assistance from Angel - he held him still and kept his mouth open. It was petty and mean, I know. I don’t regret it though. I actually feel pretty good about it. You wouldn’t understand, but then again, it wasn’t your lover who had this done to him. You didn’t see Spike - in game face with no fangs - if you had, you might understand.

I kept his teeth. I’m not sure why though? I just… wanted them. Like a trophy I guess. Not sure what I was thinking there, I mean what am I gonna do with them? Make a necklace? Hmm, maybe yeah. I could have them cleaned up and holes drilled into them, give it to Spike as a gift. I can’t present him with his heart - as would be a proper token of love to a vampire, but I can do this. Give him something to keep with him, a message that he endured, and Riley did not.

I wonder what my life is going to be like when I get back home? Will the gang accept the changes in me? Will they accept Spike as my lover? Yeah, I can just see that going over well. Especially Spike - the Spike back home that is. I’m sure he’s gonna be real comfortable knowing that I’ve seen him naked, seen him hard, felt his mouth on me, heard him calling my name, screaming it in ecstasy. Yep, that’ll go over really well.

Buffy’s gonna be a problem, she won’t understand the gay thing, let alone the Spike thing. And when she finds out what Riley was capable of? Not gonna be fun. Fuck! I wonder just what the hell did happen to Spike back home when the Initiative first had him? Did Finn touch him? I always felt there was more behind Spike’s hatred of Riley than simple jealousy over Buffy. Fucking bastard! And to think I defended him, stuck up for him to Buffy when all the shit with her Mom was going down. God I feel sick.

The way we all treated Spike, like he was a parasite or something to be scraped off the bottom of our shoes, it was beyond cruel. He may be a vampire, but I know the real Spike now, not the bad ass that he shows the world, but the caring, loving, funny, feeling man that he is inside.

You know, from the day he was turned he was never alone? There was always Angelus, Darla and Dru. Then Angel got cursed and left them. Darla followed suit not too long after. But Dru was still there, and as long as Spike had her to care for and protect, he wasn’t alone. Then she left him. Can you imagine what that must have been like? A century with someone, then to find yourself abandoned and alone?

Then after what the Initiative did to him, taking away his ability to feed himself, leaving him to starve to death or depend on his enemies for survival? I’m surprised he didn’t choose to die. He’s a proud man - vampire - whatever. The fact that he could do it, put up with all of us constantly teasing him and making cutting remarks… It shows how strong he is. Or how lonely he is. Maybe both.

It’s really sad if you think about it. That Spike could be so lonely that he’d hang about, put up with the constant belittling, not to mention the beatings, just so he wouldn’t have to be alone. I mean, it’s not like he couldn’t leave Sunnydale. Plenty of places he could go in the world, but he stays. Why? My guess? Because we - the scoobies - are the closest things he has to friends, and that’s just pathetic.

Part 47

Tonight was good. Woke up with my Xan cuddled in my arms, all warm and toasty, had a little while to just lay there and enjoy the feeling without worrying about being a ponce. Then we went over the hotel to start in on day two of torturing the soldier git. A fun time was had by all.

God, my pet bloody amazes me! For a white hat, he has some wickedly cruel ideas in his head. Hells, even Angelus was impressed by him. And that’s saying quite a bit; my sire doesn’t impress easily.

Xander never even balked once throughout the whole thing. Not when Angelus poured acid on Finn or when he pulled off his fingernails, not even when he rammed the hot poker up his ass. Hells, even I was a bit nauseated by the smell of that; burnt flesh and excrement, not a nice aroma.

The boy seems to have a particular fondness for pulling Finn’s teeth. I think he’s got all of them now. Kept them too. Don’t know why, souvenirs I guess. Like that about him, sentimental fool.

I guess I’ve been avoiding the real issue here though. Threw me for a fucking loop, what happened tonight. Angel - Angelus more likely - slit the bastard’s wrists and let that other Spike and I drain him. Dead as a fucking post. Not for long though, he turned him. By tomorrow night, Finn’ll wake up with a demon in him. But that’s not the best part, oh no. Angel is gonna give the bastard his soul back.

So yeah, I’m thinking he’s coming dangerously close to losing himself here. I mean, I understand the reasoning behind it, but he could be in serious jeopardy of losing his redemption, his promise of mortality. I wonder if I should stop him, make him stake the bastard and get on with his unlife. Bloody Finn shouldn’t get to have that kind of power over him, be allowed to screw with his redemption; he isn’t worth it.

And why am I sitting here brooding over Angel? Good question, that. Wish I knew. Seeing him though, the way he is with my double… It stirs up a longing in me, one I thought was long dead and buried. I miss the days when my Angelus was my world. He was everything to me back then: my father, my lover, my God. Then those fucking Gypsies took him from me. I thought I had gotten past all that, that I hated the fucker now. Guess not as much as I thought.

I never knew how much of my sire is still in there, hiding behind the soul and the guilt. He’s still there though, just buried beneath the surface. I wonder what happened to my Angel, if he’s okay. I hope so, God I hope so. Just the thought of him at the mercy of the Initiative… No. Buffy stills loves Angel, she’d never let that happen. At least I hope not.

Maybe I should ask Xander to talk to Angel. Get him to make the blighter understand the concept of enough is enough. Spike’ll be okay I think, given enough time and encouragement. He tasted Finn’s death, same as I. Nothing more can be gotten from dragging this out. Angel would be better served concentrating on getting him better than continuing his plans for revenge. Yeah, I’ll get my Xan to talk to him. Maybe we both should.

My pet’s sleeping; bloody worn out, he is. Not surprising though, it’s been a hell of a couple days here. Torturing someone can really wear you out. Not to mention that I wasn’t exactly gentle with him once we got home. I have to remember that the boy’s only human, can’t fuck him like that too often or I’ll likely kill him. But, bloody hell what a shag that was!

I haven’t felt this much like my old self in years. Not since I became the property of the US military. Amazing what a little revenge can do for you, even when it’s just revenge by proxy. Christ, it felt good though, telling Angelus and my pet what to do to him and having it done. Like having minions again, not that I’d ever tell Angel that - likely to earn myself a good beating if I ever did. Never call my boy that either; if I could turn him, he’d be a childe - my first - not a minion, never that. Not that there’s even a point to thinking about turning Xan, with this fucking chip in my head.

’Course that brings me to wonder just what the hell’s gonna happen to us. He’s human, supposed to be my food or a vessel to house a demon should he be worthy of turning. I’m a vampire - a demon for fuck’s sake. I’m not supposed to fall in love with a human. Did though, didn’t I? So now what? I mean, if I turn him - if I ever get this chip out - he won’t be the man I fell in love with, the man who risked his life to save mine, the man who stood bloody and smiling at me after cutting soldier boy’s nads off. The man who looked at me with such love and longing as I slowly slid his length inside myself. That’s the man I fell in love with, the one I want for eternity. A demon with Xander’s face just wouldn’t be the same.

It’s so bloody frustrating! Demons just weren’t meant to love humans. Unless you have a soul that is; then you fall for little blonde girls with super strength. Look how well that turned out for the old poof. She’s still shagging psychos and he’s brooding in L.A. See? Demons and humans just don’t work. It’s against the laws of nature, against the rules of society or something. Then again, when did I ever follow the rules?

Part 48

Middle of the afternoon and Xander found himself in the very pleasant position of waking up to a wet suction on his cock. He cracked open one bleary eye and took in the sight of his lover’s brunet head as it raised and lowered on his throbbing shaft.

“God, what a way to wake up.”

He felt more than heard the vampire chuckle, the sensation dragging a moan from his throat. He could still hardly believe how much his life had changed in such a short time. A few months ago, if someone told him he would be in love with Spike - from any dimension - he would have first laughed his ass off and then had them tested for signs of possession. The fact that he had this beautiful man - vampire - practically worshipping his body right now, was beyond what his rational mind could take.

Spike released Xander’s cock with a wet slurping sound and sat back on his heels to appreciate the view. Xander was magnificent in all his naked glory. Tanned skin over taut muscle, a light sprinkling of dark silky hair covered his body - thick in all the right places, beautiful brown eyes full of love and desire, a thick, long cock that just begged to be touched, licked, sucked upon, straddled.

Spike considered that idea for a minute; he had thoroughly enjoyed the sensation of having his lover inside him. He wasn’t quite sure if he was ready to give over control to him just yet but he thought he might like to take another go at riding him. Xander seemed to know what he was thinking as he handing over the lube with a look of absolute lust and longing on his face.

With no hesitation, Spike slicked his fingers and began to hurriedly stretch himself. When he was sure that he could take Xander with a minimum of discomfort, he applied the cold gel to Xander’s hot flesh and slid astride him. Looking into eyes darkened with desire, Spike slowly sank down until he was completely filled.

Xander groaned and reached out blindly for Spike. He felt the vampire take his hands and place them on his hips as he began a slow undulation that had him gripping his lover almost painfully in a bid to hold onto his control.

“You feel so good, luv. So hot and hard inside me, I could ride you for hours.”

“N-not gonna l-last that long.”

Spike chuckled and began to raise himself up before slowly sinking back down. He repeated the movement several times before speaking again.

“We need to go see Angel today.”

“Wha… huh? You want to talk about Angel? Now?”

Xander could barely think, let alone carry on a conversation, and Spike wanted to talk about Angel?

“What? Can’t shag and talk at the same time? This a human limitation? Or just that I’m too damn good a shag for you to concentrate on anything else?”

Spike had that look, the ‘smug smarmy bastard’ look. Xander decided to try and focus on conversing with him. Better than letting him know that yes, indeed, he was too damn good a shag to concentrate on anything else.

“Er, Angel? Talk, why?”

A deep rumbling laugh and Spike smiled before clamping his internal muscles around Xander’s shaft in an almost painful grip. Xander groaned and his eyes rolled back in his head.

“I’ve been thinking about his redemption, his need for vengeance is going to screw it all up. We have to make him see that, make him end this thing with Finn.”

Xander thought about what Spike said, knew he was right and nodded his head.

“We’ll do that, make him understand. But first can we just…”

Xander trailed off as Spike smirked at him and slammed himself down on his cock. There were no more words spoken, the only sounds were of harsh breathing, moans, groans and the sounds of flesh on flesh.

Part 49

Oh my God! I had sex with Angel! Angel!!!! What was I thinking? I’ll tell you, I wasn’t thinking. That’s always been my problem, I don’t think. That’s why I’m the guy who gets strangled as foreplay, the guy who gets thralled by vampires, chosen to fertilize a giant bug lady’s eggs. I thought I said NO MORE BUTT MONKEY! I know I did, so what? The fates ignore me again? One more crappy thing to dump on Xander. Oh my God! I had sex with Angel!

Okay, panic attack dealt with. Babbling under control. I had sex with Angel, but that’s okay because no one knows. We’ll shift out of here and the only one who’ll know is Spike. Spike, who watched as Angel took me, who stroked himself while watching as Angel fucked me. Spike who kissed me and told me how hot it was, watching us together. Spike who I’m in love with, who says he loves me but watched me get fucked by someone else.

All right, in all fairness it’s not like I was the only one. Spike had sex with Angel too - and yeah, I watched, and it was hot. It was… primal. Like watching a cross between the best porn ever and the discovery channel. I mean, wow. They were so… I don’t have the words.

Then of course, there was the free-for-all where I found myself wedged between two vampires - not a bad place to be. I will so die of embarrassment if anyone sees this. I wasn’t even going to write it down but I had to. If I’m going to keep an honest record of my little “adventure” I should include the life-altering things that happen. I’ll just make sure this never gets read - by anyone!

It was the first time I’ve been in control with Spike, inside him and being able to do whatever I want to him. Of course, having Angel in me at the same time made it different than I had fantasized about. Not bad, just different.

It was sex. Not love. Angel was hurting, simple as that. I don’t know a lot about demons - vampires - but I understood what last night was about. It was Spike’s way of offering comfort to his sire. I don’t know what my reasons were. Too much whiskey and an overwhelming sense of loss? Knowing that it could easily have been my Spike that was pushed so far he didn’t want to come back?

Maybe. But is that enough? Is Angel making Finn pay for what he’d done enough to make me forget two weeks in a hell dimension? Is seeing Spike drain the life from his worthless hide enough to forgive Angel for the horrors I witnessed? I don’t know. After what happened to Willow in that place, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive him, but it wasn’t him though. It was Angelus. Angelus who gave me the opportunity to avenge my lover, Angelus who was howling his grief over his childe in my lover’s arms.

I’m so fucking confused. I want to hold onto my anger at him. I do. But I’m so tired of holding a grudge. He’s a demon - and not a very stable one at that - it’s what they do. After a century of being locked up by a soul, having a conscience, what would you expect though?

I have to wonder though, what happened in that world? It seems to me that my decisions have had a bearing on the different realities I’ve been to. If that’s true, then what did I do that let Angelus finish the ritual? Did I talk Buffy out of going after him? Did I delay her in some way so that she was late? Maybe when I jumped out of the bush at her she hit me and knocked me out, then had to call an ambulance to come and get me? Maybe I never brought her back to life after the Master and it was Kendra or Faith who had to go up against Angelus when he was trying to open Acathla.

So, in that context, it was my fault that that he succeeded. My fault that the world was sucked into hell. My fault that all those people… That Willow… God! It was my fault. Everything, my fault. Spike. Oh God, Spike was my fault! If I had been there, not in L.A. with Angel and Wes, he wouldn’t have been recaptured. He would have been safe. And here, I was a vampire - turned by Spike - so again, no cozy basement to hide out in, no scoobies to take him in. They wouldn’t, not if he had turned me - defenseless or not, Buffy wouldn’t have helped him. How the hell did I get turned anyway? What did I do in this reality that made me a vampire?

Now I understand the depth of the curse. I hope Anya is happy, I couldn’t be more miserable. It’s all my fault; how many people have been made to suffer because of my actions? Or inaction? Jesus Christ, how many more horrors do I have to endure before she’s satisfied that I’ve suffered enough?

I’m sorry Anya! I’m so, so, sorry. I never meant to hurt you, please make this stop. I want to go home, please. I just want to go home.

Part 50

There was something wrong with Xander. Spike knew the instant he entered their room that he had been crying; he could smell the salt in the air. Figuring that this whole dimensional travel gig was just getting to the boy, he decided to leave off and let Xander have the illusion of privacy. If his lover didn’t want him to know he’d been crying, he’d pretend he didn’t know. After all, Xander played the game for him from time to time.

Hoping to cheer him up somewhat, Spike stripped off his jacket and outer shirt. He toed off his sneakers - still not believing he actually owned a pair - and peeled off his socks. In nothing but his soft blue denims, he crawled onto the bed and lay down beside the television-watching human.

“Whatcha watchin’, pet?”

Xander started at the sound of Spike’s voice. He hadn’t realized that Spike was back already. Struggling to get himself under control and not burst out in tears and beg the vampire to forgive him, Xander gave Spike a small sad smile.

“Everything go okay? You dust that asshole?”

Spike grinned and then sat up on the bed. He was practically bouncing as he told Xander the details of what he had spent the afternoon doing. He couldn’t help but feel a little grateful to Angel for turning and then souling him, it let him get his hands dirty, so to speak, and give back some of the pain that he had been forced to endure. Xander smiled as he saw that Spike was actually happy, that he was more like the “big bad Spike“ from back home.

“I’m glad you had fun. Did it… Does it make it better?”

“Bloody hell, yes! I feel like a new man! Er, vampire. Christ, love, I haven’t felt this bloody good since before I tried to bite that little redhead and realized I was… damaged.”

“Again with the me being happy for you, but you need to shower; I don’t know how you didn’t get stopped on the way here, you have blood on your face and your hands.”

Spike looked down at his hands and realized Xander was right. He shrugged and then put on his best leer.

“Care to come wash my back, Xan? Or something a bit lower, whatever you fancy.”

Xander couldn’t help but smile at the obvious innuendo. He wanted to, he just felt horribly guilty and wasn’t sure if he deserved to touch Spike that way again.

“I… Um, well…”

“Come on, love, not taking no for an answer. I’m a very… dirty boy.”

Again with the leer and Xander finally broke, a smile lit his face and Spike kissed him before dragging him into the bathroom and undressing them both.

Spike was in heaven, hot water on his back, Xander on his knees before him, wet, warm suction on his cock. There was nowhere he’d rather be. He closed his eyes and gently tangled the fingers of one hand into his lover’s damp hair.

“Christ, luv. You feel so fucking good.”

Xander grinned slightly around his mouthful of vampire. He continued to suck on Spike’s cock as he reached one hand down between his own legs and began to stroke himself off as well. The noises coming from the vampire were making him so very hot, and he desperately needed to cum.

Spike opened his eyes and looked down at Xander. His eyes were closed but he had such a look of contentment on his face as he bobbed his head up and down, like he was exactly where he wanted to be, doing exactly what he wanted to do. Spike looked lower and saw what Xander’s hand was up to and groaned at the sight.

There was nothing hotter than watching his boy jerk himself off while giving him a blowjob. The very idea that Xander was enjoying this so much that he had to touch himself made Spike lose what little control he still had. His demon roared to the surface and he tore through his lower lip as he thrust into his boy’s sweet mouth and came with an ear-splitting howl. He felt Xander swallow around him and then tense as his own orgasm ripped through him.

Xander vaguely remembered being pulled to his feet, kissed soundly and spun into the wall before Spike plastered himself against his back and began kissing and nibbling his throat. He moaned at the sensation and felt himself begin to harden once more. He spread his legs and thrust his ass back in invitation.

Spike frantically searched for something - anything - that could double as lube. Settling on the shower gel, he flipped open the cap and squeezed some onto the small of Xander’s back. After setting the bottle down on the side of the tub, he ran his fingers through the small pool of soap and began to gently push first one and then two into his lover’s body.

Xander pushed back against the invading digits, eager to feel more, needing to be filled by Spike, to feel him as deep inside as he could get. He panted as a third finger slid in beside the previous two and began to pump in forcefully.

“Spike. Now, please now. Need you in me.”

“Shh, luv. Just another minute, don’t want to hurt you.”

Xander sobbed in frustration as Spike denied him his request, he was ready - more than ready - and he needed this so badly. He didn’t even realize he had been chanting ‘please, now, please’ over and over until Spike finally withdrew his fingers and whispered in his ear.

“Okay. Relax, luv, you got me.”

And then Spike was pushing inside and Xander was pushing back against him. They were finally joined and Xander could have wept, he never wanted to lose this - the feel of his lover’s cool skin against him, hard cock inside him - possessing him, soft lips brushing over the nape of his neck.

“God, Spike. Love you.”

“Love you too, Xander.”

Then they were moving, long slow strokes that made Xander shudder. Spike’s hands were holding him steady, one on his hip and the other one tracing circles on his chest, absently pinching a nipple every once in a while, before trailing down to stroke his hard cock.

Xander came first, his muscles tightening and dragging Spike’s climax out of him. They rested against the cool tiles for minutes before finally rinsing off and exiting the shower.

Dry, sated and exhausted they tumbled into bed and curled around each other to sleep. Xander still felt the guilt of his earlier revelation, he felt awful about what Spike had gone through, knowing that in some way it was his fault. He only hoped as he drifted off that he wouldn’t have nightmares.

Spike watched as Xander closed his eyes and drifted off. He was more than a bit worried about his boy. He had seemed so… desperate earlier. As flattering as it was to have someone so eager, so needy to be filled by him, it wasn’t normal behavior for Xander. He wasn’t sure what had set him off. Perhaps it was the whole ‘sex with the sire’ thing. Humans could be so weird about physical relationships.

Just as Spike was relaxing into sleep - having decided to talk to Xander about the sex-with-Angel issue tomorrow, he felt his lover’s body tense. Xander hadn’t had a nightmare in awhile now, not since before the reality where Xander was a vampire and Dru’s childe. He had hoped his lover was past the terrors he had witnessed and endured in that demon dimension.

“No! Spike, God no, I’m so sorry.”

Xander was sitting up in bed, his eyes wide and unseeing, still caught in the horrible images of his nightmare. He could see Spike, flayed and screaming as soldiers surrounded him. He watched as one of them buried a stake into his shoulder and then turned toward him. It was his face; he was one of them.

“My fault. All my fault.”

Tears were streaming down his face and Spike was holding him, petting him gently trying to wake him without scaring him further. He hadn’t seen Xander like this before. This was worse than the dreams he’d suffered from when they had first met up.

Eventually Xander came back to himself and sobbed in relief. He let Spike hold him until his tears finally tapered off and his chest stopped heaving. He soaked in the comfort being given, knowing that he didn’t deserve it.

“Shh, pet. Spike’s here, everything’ll be all right. Nothing’s gonna hurt you.”

“Sorry, so sorry. My fault. All my fault.”

Spike started to purr and wrapped himself around his lover. Xander relaxed into the embrace and held on to Spike as tightly as he could. Sleep eventually claimed him again, and he was met with the images of his lover’s brutal torture - by his hands - once again.