Part 71

I met Jesse. Wow, does he ever look different. I mean he’s not the same skinny, semi-geeky, guy he was in high school. He’s gotten a lot taller; he has a nice build, lean but muscular - not unlike Spike. He and Xander have been together since they were fifteen. Since Jesse kissed Xander the night of his birthday. Kinda like the other world with Xan and Spike. Only this time, Jesse wasn’t vamped.

Turns out, instead of grabbing Jesse and running like hell, Darla grabbed Willow instead. So Darla got Willow, turned her, and Jesse was the one to stake her. Tough break.

I asked them not to tell me anything until after I had a nap - all this shifting from place to place is making me ill. By the time I woke up, it was rather late and since Xander and Jesse both had to work early in the morning, I didn’t learn much more than what I’ve told you.

Angel still lost his soul, Buffy still sent him to Hell; since Cordy and I never dated, Anya never came to fulfill her wish, and Dawn still showed up a couple years ago and was chased around by a Hell God. Same old same old. Oh yeah, and Spike is chipped. I want to ask about Cordelia and Oz, find out if they were ever fringe members of the group, if Oz is all wolfy here, or if Cordy ever moved to L.A., but at the same time, I’m afraid I won’t like the answers.

I know that Angel saved Cordy’s life after she moved to L.A., so if he never came back after the whole Acathla deal, who was there to rescue Cordy? Did anyone rescue Cordy? And what if Oz is a werewolf, but because he never dated Willow, he didn’t come to us for help. Was he hunted and killed by that wacko hunter? Too many unanswered questions, too many differences to learn about them all.

I borrowed a few books to read from Giles. I told him about the magical abilities of some of my doubles and he suggested that I stop messing around with spells until I get back home. But seeing as I don’t know if I’ll ever get home, that doesn’t seem likely. I need to keep my mind occupied, and I need to learn what I’m capable of. I’m not crazy, I understand the dangers of magic use; I’m not going to go all Amy or anything. I just want to learn, to find my power and bring back Spike - if there’s even a way to do that.

I told Giles about my theory - that I don’t get to shift until I find out about myself in each new reality. He brought up a few good points, as well. He reminded me that I hadn’t actually learned anything about myself in the Acathla world, that when I shifted it could be reasoned that it was because I was in danger. It made sense. ’Cause also, I shifted when the Initiative stormed the Hyperion, thereby bringing Spike along with me. There goes my ‘dying before I ever get home’ theory. Unless it’s of old age, which is highly possible.

So, moral of the story? If I don’t like where I end up, I could always just place myself in mortal danger and - if Giles theory is correct - shift right out of there. Hmm, maybe I could use this to do something I normally would never do, like rob a bank or something equally stupid - like make Giles eat a book the next time he says my situation is “fascinating”. It’s not frigging fascinating when you’re living it!

Nah, not my style, I’m one of the good guys after all. Just, you know, something to think about, break up the monotony. Oh, but the look on the G-man’s face... might actually be worth it. Maybe I will have those flyers printed up and beat him over the head with them. He can learn the answers to his questions by osmosis. See, I do read.

The other thing we talked about was the speed of my recent shifts. He didn’t want to get my hopes up, but he said it was entirely possible that my journey - read ‘curse’ - was coming to an end. God I hope so, but I don’t want to get my hopes up either. Like Dad used to say: “Don’t hold your hand on your ass waiting, it’ll grow there.” Ah, the pearls of wisdom of my youth.

It’s 3 AM here, Giles is sleeping; everyone else has gone home and I’m bored to tears. If it weren’t for this journal, I think I would have lost my mind by now. I can’t help but wonder if Spike felt the same way- Did he use his journal to figure out his feelings the way I do? Or did he just keep track of our journey in it. Was it a personal thing, or merely a log?

I feel a lot better, more in control of myself since that other Spike gave me his blood. He was right, it did help. Maybe now would be a good time to go through Spike’s things? I really do want to read his journal - I miss him and I think it would help me to feel closer to him again. Yeah, I’m going to do it.

Part 72

I don’t even know where to start. After having breakfast with Giles, I went to the shop with him; he said he had a couple of books there he thought I might find helpful. On the way there, as is my luck, I shifted.

This Sunnydale is a fucking nightmare. Not in the “Angel opened the gates of Hell” or “Glory tore down the walls between dimensions” kind of way. More in the “Everyone’s a Stepford Wife” kind of way.

The Initiative owns this town. Literally. The University is now a military base, all the people in town? Soldiers and their families. The high school has been destroyed and cleared away. A small building surrounded by electrified fences, topped with barbed-wire sits in its place, directly over the hellmouth. The people walking around town are like automatons. Perfect little people going about their lives in a perfect little town where nothing is out of the ordinary. Like I said, Stepford Wives. Only thing is, they know what’s going on; they just don’t want the rest of the world to find out.

I never realized that something I did could have such an impact on the world. It’s all because of me. This world’s Xander joined the army. He took Spike’s advice to heart and enlisted. Turns out he did exceptionally well in the military. He’s now a head advisor on demons to the Sunnydale branch of the Initiative. But I get ahead of myself.

I was walking through town, looking at a lot of empty shops; shops like the Magic Box, and other occult stores. They have no reason to exist here; the army doesn’t need magic, it has stun guns after all.

A.D.A.M. almost succeeded in this reality. Without Xander, the scoobies were a man short to complete the spell that led to his demise. They ended up going ahead with it anyway, and it almost killed Willow and Giles. Buffy managed to blow up the base but A.D.A.M. escaped.

It took months and the assistance of the military before he was captured and destroyed. In the mean time, a lot of people - and demons - died needlessly. Buffy and the others thanked the army for their assistance and wished them well. They thought the Initiative was gone, over, defunct. They were wrong. It came back, and it was stronger than ever. Because they now had one Alexander LaVelle Harris on their side.

With my double’s knowledge and experience with fighting the forces of darkness, they understood what had gone wrong the first time around. Demons could not be tamed, could not be used as a weapon to destroy their enemy. All humans were enemies to a demon’s way of thinking, enemies and food. They now knew that Maggie Walsh was a fool. They wouldn’t make that mistake again.

But being the military, they couldn’t just keep their noses out of it either. They knew about the slayer, about her calling and her obligation to do her duty. Xander made sure they understood how committed Buffy was to her job. But, he also told them about Faith; about what happens when all that power falls into the wrong hands.

So, instead of capturing and experimenting on demons, they just want to destroy them. Annihilate them from the face of the earth. It’s a good theory, but not all demons are bad. Some of them are even good, or at the very least, necessary.

They make no allowances for prophecy, or the future. They don’t discriminate about status either. Half-demons are still demons as far as they are concerned. This is the part that scares me.

I know Angel had a friend - his seer - who was half demon. Doyle. In one reality this man was my lover; he was a good man and never did anything to hurt anyone. But by this Initiative’s point of view, he would be an animal, something to be destroyed. Black and White. Good and Evil.

This Xander is so naive. He hates demons. All demons. I wonder what it was that made him so hard? Yeah, I know I was once like him, but not to this degree. I was never this bigoted when it came to demons, was I? Sorry, off topic again.

So, I was walking through town when this guy comes up to me and pushes me into an alley. At first I thought he was going to mug me; boy was I wrong. He pushed me up against a wall and kissed me. Shock doesn’t begin to describe my feelings. I pushed him away and wiped my mouth while staring at him in what must have been a mix of shock and anger, ’cause that’s what I felt. He looked at me like he was confused by my reaction before understanding swept over his features. He looked me over again, taking in the differences in my appearance.

You would think, he would have noticed the shoulder-length hair, the duffelbags slung over my shoulder, the fact that I don’t look like a soldier. But apparently not. He introduced himself as Graham Miller and then asked me if there was a reason Xander never told him he had a twin brother.

I should have said that he was ashamed of me, that I was given up for adoption at birth, that I was kidnapped as a small child. Anything but the truth. If I had lied I wouldn’t be in this mess.

This mess, being that I am in a detention cell in the basement of the University-turned-military-base. It seems that they don’t believe my story, but seeing as the tests they performed deemed I was in fact 100% human, they didn’t know what else to do with me.

I tried to talk to my double; he was less than accommodating. He stood silent and stone-faced as I explained everything I had been through. He never even blinked when I told him about Anya being a demon again. I wisely kept my mouth shut about Spike.

They let me have my journal, deciding that it couldn’t cause any harm. Thank God, because otherwise I would have nothing to do. This place is beyond boring. White walls, white floor, even the damn bars on the cell are white. No TV, no radio, no magazines. I’ve been contemplating giving myself a papercut and drawing on the walls with my own blood; I’m that bored.

If there was ever a time to be glad that Spike isn’t with me, this is it. I don’t know what I would do if he was captured and killed by these guys. By my double. Talk about the ultimate betrayal- being dusted by a man with your lover’s face.

By the way my double and this Graham guy - I’m pretty sure he was one of Riley’s friends, by the way - carry on, they’re obviously not out of the closet. Then again, the military frowns on that kind of behavior, doesn’t it? So, maybe I can use this to my advantage if I’m stuck here much longer. I mean, there isn’t even any privacy to use the toilet.

Not that I think I’ll be here long; if the pattern holds, I should shift out soon. I think I’ve learned about what happened here, after all. Oh yeah, I should probably tell you about Buffy and the others.

After the spell to defeat A.D.A.M., Giles had a heart attack. He’s still alive, but he went back to England. Willow and Buffy left after the Initiative took over the town. There was no reason to stay, seeing as most of the demons were dead or gone. Plus, there was another hellmouth in Cleveland.

Far as I know, Spike escaped to L.A.; he went to Angel for sanctuary. I don’t know what happened to him after that. For all I know, Angel may have staked him on sight, or the soldier boys might have tracked him down. Hard to say, seeing as how this world’s Xander has such a hate-on for vamps and all. Hell, they might have gone to L.A. and staked Angel, as well.

Miller is back; he’s standing a few feet away from my cell, just looking at me. To tell the truth, the guy gives me a wiggins. The way he looks at me is seriously creepy. It’s the same way that demon back in Acathla’s dimension was looking at me - like I’m a fuck toy. I really hope he doesn’t get any ideas.

Crap. Seems like he’s the guard on duty for the night. The others are leaving; no sign of my double at all. Great. I hope Giles was right about my shifting if I’m in danger, otherwise I think I’m about to be raped by my double’s boyfriend. Why do these things always happen to me?

Part 73

When Xander opened his eyes, he was still in the University basement. Only this time it was an actual basement, not a military holding facility. He wrenched up his boxer shorts and pants and screamed out at the ceiling.

“Think you could have cut that any fucking closer?!”

Xander stomped around the room, kicking at the piles of boxes and other various things that were strewn about. He was extremely unimpressed and had big plans to have Willow turn Anya into a rat when he got home. Then he was going to go to the pet store and buy himself a nice pet. Something along the lines of a boa constrictor. He was going to make popcorn and enjoy watching as the snake swallowed her whole and digested her slowly. Hell, he was going to videotape it so he could enjoy it again and again.

With the rage slowly subsiding, Xander took a better look around him and noticed that he seemed to be in some sort of storage/records room. He wondered if this door would be locked or alarmed in any way. He really didn’t want to be stuck in here until someone came down to find a paper on astrophysics that had been written by someone ten years ago - ’cause face it, that wasn’t very likely to happen.

He found the door easily enough and it opened when he tried it. Breathing a sigh of relief, Xander packed his book away and pushed the motorbike out of the room and down the long hallway toward the door to the stairwell. He hoped he managed to get outside without being stopped by campus security.

There were no people in the stairwell, so Xander managed to get outside without incident. He walked the bike out to the road and climbed on. Normally this would be where he went in search of the scoobies, but after what had just almost happened to him, all he wanted was a hot bath and an enormous amount of alcohol.

Pulling into the parking lot of the Holiday Inn, Xander parked the bike and went inside. He rented a room and immediately set about drawing a hot bath. He ran the water as hot as he could stand it and climbed in. He began to scrub himself with soap and a washcloth. He felt sick, beyond sick to tell the truth.

He had almost been raped. He wasn’t sure what he would have done if he hadn’t shifted. He never wanted another man inside of him. Spike had been the last person to make love to him, and as far as Xander was concerned, it would stay that way. He would never let another erase the feel of being filled by his mate. If he couldn’t have Spike, he wouldn’t have another man in his bed again.

His ass was sore - not the good kind of sore either. He knelt in the tub and gently cleansed himself as he mentally played out Anya’s future ratting and being eaten by a large snake. It was enough of a distraction to get him through the worst of it. He examined the cloth and grimaced at the smear of blood on it. He had never bled with Spike; his lover had always made sure he was ready before taking him.

Once out of the bath, Xander quickly dried, dressed and headed outside. He desperately needed a drink or ten. Of course it was probably safer to get a bottle and go back to his room than to attempt getting drunk in a bar in Sunnydale. Then again, no one had ever accused Xander of being the smart one.

The Bronze was out. He didn’t want to run into the gang - not yet anyway - so was Willie’s, as he wasn’t a demon, and even though he wore Spike’s claim, he didn’t think that would be enough to deter any demon who had a beef with the vampire. Better safe than sorry, Xander headed to a bar near the University; it was one of those new trendy places where everyone looked like a Gap or J-Crew model.

Xander found a small corner table and sat down. When the waitress - a suitable Britney Spears look-a-like - came by, he ordered a bottle of Jack and a glass. She frowned at him but left to fill his order all the same.

After a few drinks, the music was less annoying and the people weren’t so loud. Xander continued to drink and try to forget the feel of Miller’s hot breath on his skin, his hand on his hip, his hard cock against his ass. He wasn’t nearly drunk enough to forget that yet.

An hour later and Xander was pleasantly pissed. He got up to use the bathroom and almost fell over. He steadied himself on a nearby table and continued on his way.

Trendy bar or not, the men’s room was just like every other public bathroom Xander had ever been in - filthy. He couldn’t understand why it was that men’s bathrooms always spelled like piss. Well, other than the fact that there was piss all over the floor, and on the walls next to the urinal. Obviously a drunken man’s aim wasn’t up to snuff.

Xander approached the urinal and got himself out. He sighed in relief as his bladder emptied, then shook himself off. He was just zipping his jeans when he was knocked sideways by a rather drunken, familiar face.

“Spike! What are you doing in here? Vampire’s don’t pee.”

Xander was drunk enough not to think about the possibility of Spike being unchipped in this reality. Since he hadn’t been by to see the scoobies yet, he had no information on any of them whatsoever.

“Oh. Right. I forget that sometimes, ya know. Thanks.”

Spike staggered back toward the door and then stopped. He looked back at Xander and blinked.

“Do I know you? How’d you know what I am, or who I am?”

“Er, I’m Xander.”

Spike snorted.

“No, yer not. First off, you’re too old. Second, you smell too fresh.”

It was Xander’s turn to blink.

“What? And eeewww! You make a habit of smelling me?”

“Not you. Him. And yeah, I know all their smells. You smell… like me. How come?”

Xander walked to the sink and washed his hands. He ignored the vampire until after he had rinsed and dried them.

“I don’t know about you, but I don’t think I want to stand around in the men’s room all night. I’m going back to my table. You want answers? Follow me.”

Xander staggered his way back through the crowd and sat down. He was amazed to see that his almost-half-full bottle was still there. He caught the waitress looking at him and smiled. She winked and then walked away. Too bad he wasn’t interested; she was cute.

Spike took a seat across from him a minute later; he had a bottle of his own, only far emptier than Xander’s was. He took a drink straight from the bottle and set it on the table before raising a brow in question. Xander downed his shot and then started talking.

By the time Xander finished explaining about why he smelled like Spike, the vampire was shaking with laughter. Xander was less than impressed.

“What the hell is so funny?!”

Spike wiped the tears from his face and smiled gently.

“It’s just, finally I meet someone who’s been fucked over worse than me, and it turns out he’s mated to an alternate reality version of myself. It’s funny from my perspective.”

“Speaking of, what’s your story then? You don’t act much like the Spikes I’ve met so far.”

“Got a soul. Little witch gave it to me. I’ll tell you a secret.”

Spike leaned across the table and whispered in Xander’s ear.

“If my demon ever gets loose, he’s gonna eat her first.”

Spike leaned back into his chair and cracked up laughing again. Xander wondered if it was because of the booze, or if he was just crazy. He figured it was probably a combination of the two. He poured himself another drink and downed it in one swallow. He set his glass back on the table and looked at the vampire across from him.

“So, what did you mean before, when you said I couldn’t be Xander because I’m too old and smell fresh?”

“Just that. You are too old, and you’re not dead, are ya?”

“So, Xander’s a vampire?”

“Not hardly. Zombie, more or less.”

“More or less? What do you mean ‘more or less’? He’s either a zombie or he isn’t.”

Spike took a long swallow from his bottle before setting it back down and wiping his mouth on the back of his hand. He looked at Xander and then sat back in shock.

“Bloody hell! You really are him, aren’t you?”

“That’s what I’ve been telling you. Now would you please explain about this zombie thing?”

“Oh, right. That. Well, see, zombies are nothing more than animated corpses.”

“Like vampires.”

“No, they’re stupid, mindless things.”

“Like I said…”

“You want to hear this or not?”

“Sorry. Go on.”

“Xander’s dead, make no mistake about it. But he ain’t mindless. Nor does it seem like he’s soulless. Just he ain’t breathing nor aging any more. So like I said, a zombie - more or less.”

“How?”

“Don’t really know. Was busy trying to deal with my own overwhelming grief at the time, wasn’t I?”

Spike fell silent and continued drinking. Xander joined him. This was a first. He thought he’d seen everything by now, but a dead Xander, who wasn’t a vampire but some sort of zombie-like creature was totally mind-boggling. If he was sober, he might have been able to figure out what had happened to the Xander of this reality that made him a zombie - more or less.

A couple of pretty young girls approached the table and asked if they could sit down. Xander was about to subtly tell them to move on when Spike answered for the both of them.

“Oi, push off, would ya? Can’t you see we’re together here?”

The girls left in a hurry and Xander gaped at the grinning blond vampire across from him.

“What the hell did you tell them that for?”

“What? You saying you were interested?”

“No! Of course not.”

“You saying we’re not together here at this table?”

“No.”

“Then what’s the problem? All I did was tell ’em the truth then. ’Sides, you’re wearin’ my mark, technically you’re mine.”

“Am not!”

“Are so!”

“Am not!”

“Are so!”

“Are you calling me an arse hole?”

In his drunken state, Xander couldn’t remember what they were arguing about, but he was pretty sure that Spike just called him a name. Spike tilted his head and thought for a minute.

“Maybe. Don’t really remember. What were we talking about?”

“Dunno. Something about a couple of girls.”

“Hmm, yeah we should pick up a couple o’ those.”

Spike finished his bottle and then helped Xander to finish his as well. They leaned against one another as they staggered toward the exit and out into the night.

Part 74

Xander woke up to the familiar presence of a cool body draped along his side. He sighed in happiness and began to drift off to sleep again. Then he suddenly remembered that his mate was gone, and there shouldn’t be anyone else in his bed. He sat up abruptly, dislodging the blond head of his bedmate from his chest as he did so.

“Bloody hell, what did you do that fer?”

Spike sat up in bed and rubbed his head. He looked at the pained expression on the human’s face and understood immediately. He reached out to touch him and swallowed down the hurt feelings when the boy flinched and drew away from him.

“Easy, pet. Didn’t do nothing but sleep last night. Promise.”

Spike held his unnecessary breath and waited to see if he would be believed or not. He watched as Xander cocked his head and seemed to replay the night’s events in his mind. He sighed in relief as Xander nodded his head and offered him a sheepish grin.

Xander remembered asking Spike to stay with him. Telling him that he didn’t want to be alone and asking could he just hold him while he slept. He also remembered waking up at one point in the night thinking it was his Spike he held in his arms and kissing the man next to him. Spike had gently pushed him away and purred to him until he fell back asleep.

“Sorry. I just… I kinda freaked for a minute there. I thought… ”

“I know. And if I thought for a minute that you actually wanted me, not your Spike, but me, I would have taken you up on it. It’s been a long time since anyone has wanted me to hold them, even in friendship.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m not. I enjoyed it, hell I haven’t slept that well since the witch cursed me four years ago.”

“I have to go see them today. If I don’t get the facts about what happened here, I won’t shift.”

Spike sighed and flopped back down on the bed. He knew Xander had to do this, had to get back to his own reality, but he was going to miss him. He felt like they had become friends over the few hours they spent together. He didn’t really have any friends anymore.

“Yeah, I know. Just, could you stay till it gets dark? Then I could walk you over.”

“Yeah. All right. I’m still kinda sleepy anyway.”

Spike smiled as Xander lay back down and pulled him close again. He closed his eyes and sighed in contentment at the warmth that he felt seeping into his cold flesh. He would definitely miss this.

“Sleep, Spike.”

“Okay. ‘Night Xander.”

Part 75

Here I am a zombie. Sort of. Not really, but I’m the walking dead, so what else are you gonna call it? Remember back in high school, Jack? Yeah, the crazy guy who wanted to raise his buddies from the dead - and succeeded. Turns out, he killed me. Stuck a knife through my chest and then let me die. He brought me back like ten minutes later, but still. So we have dead Xander. Or Zombie Xander if you prefer, which he doesn’t, by the way.

You want to know what’s really sad though? I finally realize why I never stood a chance with Buffy. I have this pesky little breathing problem. Seems she prefers her guys without circulation or that annoying beating-of-the-heart sensation. But hey, if I had known that back then, I probably would have let Jack kill me. So who’s the pathetic one?

Now that I think about it, I wonder what was going with Spike and Buffy back home. They seemed awfully … close. I know she trusted him to look after Dawn, and we all accepted him as part of the group after Buffy died, but since she came back he seemed to be hanging around a lot more, acting like he belonged by her side, like he was …

Oh. My. God.

Buffy and Spike are sleeping together. They’re having sex. I should have figured this out sooner. I mean it’s not like I haven’t been in places where they were together - Hell I’m a pregnant woman because of their involvement. Crap. Now what am I supposed to do? How am I gonna look at Buffy, knowing she gets to hold her Spike, kiss her Spike, and I don’t. She has this wonderful man - vampire - who loves her completely and I have nothing but memories. I’m going to end up resenting her. I don’t want that.

God. For the first time since this happened, I don’t want to go home.