Part 1

It had been two weeks since Xander had been back home. He had convinced his boss not to fire him by explaining that he had left his bride at the altar and felt it was safer to hide out for awhile. His boss laughed and told him he was insane for leaving a hot dish like Anya, then he asked for her phone number.

The evening had been spent tracking down a giant worm demon; Anya’s work, obviously, and being surprised by the appearance of Spike. He just showed up out of the blue offering help and prattling on about something big coming from below. They dealt with the problem and now Xander was lying awake in his bed staring at the ceiling. Sleep would not come to him.

Spike was back. He was back in Sunnydale and living in the basement of the new Sunnydale High. That was the thought that kept Xander awake, he had only just found out. Buffy, it seemed, had known for a whole week and didn’t see fit to share this information. That wasn’t the only thing though. Spike was acting crazy, like he wasn’t in his right mind. Like he was…

“Oh, God!”

Xander quickly pulled on his jeans and t-shirt. He stuffed his wallet and keys in his pocket, stepped into his sneakers and left his apartment. He ran down the stairs and out to his car. As he drove toward the high school, he had only one thought on his mind - Spike had a soul. He was in pain and he was all alone living directly over the mouth of hell.

“Hang on Spike, I’m coming.”

Xander parked the car and used his passkey to enter the building. Being foreman had its perks after all. He remembered that Buffy said Spike was living in a room in the basement. He made his way downstairs carefully. He was on alert for anything oogy that might be down there as well.

“Spike? Hey buddy, you down here?”

Xander flicked his flashlight around the walls and then stopped as he saw something move in the far corner of the room. He watched the spot but there was no further movement.

“Spike?”

“M’not here. Go ’way.”

Xander chuckled at the vampire’s reasoning. Only a crazy person would tell you they weren’t there and expect you to believe it.

“Spike. I know you’re here. I can hear you.”

Xander walked closer to where the blond had screwed himself into a corner, trying as hard as he could to be small and invisible.

“I can see you, too. Come on, Spike. This place is making you nuts; let me get you out of here.”

“Can’t leave. I don’t have a pass.”

“Then I’ll give you one.”

Startled blue eyes looked up with wonder. Spike studied the intent look on Xander’s face and then smiled shyly.

“You’d do that? For me?”

“I would. I will. Come on, time to go.”

“They won’t like it. Change the walls they will, make it impossible to leave. Can’t leave when the doors disappear.”

“Hey, I have a map. Blueprints actually, don’t worry. We’ll be fine.”

Xander smiled as Spike took the hand he held out, and he helped him to his feet. He steered the vampire out of the room and back toward the stairs to the main floor of the school. At the door to the stairwell, Spike turned back and stared in horror at something Xander couldn’t see.

“Not skipping. I have a pass! He said so, said I could leave now. Please.”

Spike began to tremble and Xander just caught him before he dropped to the ground. He scooped the shaking vampire into his arms and headed up the stairs. He didn’t let go of him until they were back at his car, and then only to open the door and strap him into the passenger seat. Xander got in behind the wheel and started back toward his apartment.

“It’ll be okay, Spike. I’ll help you get through this.”

“Why? I hurt the girl. Shouldn’t help me, I’m a bad man. William’s a bad, bad man.”

“No, William is a good man. You stopped, Spike; you stopped yourself before you went too far. You got your soul back just to punish yourself. You’re not a bad man. Give yourself time to adjust. You’ll be okay, and I’ll help if I can.”

“Who are you?”

Xander looked over at the vampire and blinked rapidly; he was scared for a minute that Spike had completely forgotten him.

“I’m Xander, Spike. You know me; we used to live together in the basement of doom.”

“No. Not Xander. Xander hates me; you’re one of them, here to trick me, hurt me.”

Spike began to pull on his lap belt, Xander was afraid he’d jump out of the car while it was still moving. He locked all the doors and put on the child safety lock so there was no way Spike could get out of the car.

“I am Xander. I’m just different than before, changed.”

“You got your soul back, too?”

Xander laughed softly.

“In a manner of speaking, yeah. I grew up, Spike, learned some valuable life lessons. Let’s just say things aren’t so black and white for me anymore. I know who you are, who you really are and I like that person. I won’t hurt you. I promise.”

Spike nodded and then turned his head to stare out the window. The rest of the drive back to the apartment was made in silence. Xander parked the car in his spot and then unlocked the doors. Spike didn’t make any move to get out of the car, so Xander walked around to his door and opened it.

Spike had fallen asleep in the car. It was kinda cute actually. Xander realized that this was probably the only sleep the vampire had gotten since returning to Sunnydale and taking up residence in the high school. He reached out and gently shook the vampire awake.

“Spike, we’re home. You wanna wake up and walk, or am I gonna have to carry you?”

Spike merely blinked in confusion and closed his eyes again. Xander smiled again and gently lifted the vampire out of the car.

“Carried it is, then.”

He took the stairs up to his apartment, and then set Spike on his feet while he unlocked the door and pushed it open.

“Come inside, Spike. You are welcome in my home.”

Xander nudged the vampire inside and then closed and locked the door. He looked around and realized that he had nowhere to put Spike now that he was here. He hadn’t thought that far ahead.

“Why don’t you take a shower and I’ll fix up the bed for you.”

Spike gave Xander another one of those confused looks but headed towards the bathroom to shower as Xander had suggested. Once the door closed and Xander could hear the water running, he stripped and remade the bed with fresh sheets. Then he raided the linen closet for extra blankets and a pillow to make up the couch.

Spike peeked his head around the bathroom door and called out for Xander. Xander left the blankets on the couch and made his way back to the hallway. He looked at the tousled blond head peeking out of the bathroom and bit his lip to keep from grinning.

“Yeah, Spike?”

“Um, do you have anything I can put on? My clothes… well they kinda smell.”

“Oh, sure. I put some sweatpants and a shirt on the bed for you. They might be kinda big but they’re clean and warm. I’ll pick up some stuff for you tomorrow. Okay?”

Spike blinked, nodded and then closed the bathroom door in Xander’s face. Xander shook his head and walked away. Insane Spike with a soul was going to take some getting used to. He wondered if Buffy knew that Spike had a soul? No sooner had he thought it then he realized she must know. He wondered how she could leave him there, knowing what he was going through. He heard the bathroom door open and then quick footsteps across the hall before the bedroom door closed with a bang.

Xander put the kettle on and got two mugs down from the cupboard. He didn’t have any blood in the house - something he would fix first thing in the morning - but he did have hot chocolate mix and mini marshmallows.

“Hey, Spike! When you finish dressing, come on out to the living room; I’m making hot chocolate.”

By the time the kettle boiled and Xander made the drinks - adding extra marshmallows to Spike’s - the vampire came out of the bedroom dressed in a pair of Xander’s soft grey sweat pants and a long-sleeved navy blue t-shirt that was at least two sizes too big. He smiled shyly at Xander and then sat on the couch.

Xander handed him a mug and sat down next to him. They sipped at their beverages in silence for a while - Spike occasionally hooking a melted marshmallow on his pinkie finger and slurping it into his mouth. Finally, Xander had to ask.

“Why did you get your soul back, Spike?”

Spike looked up at him in alarm and then slumped in defeat.

“Told you, did she?”

“No. I can see it. So, why? Were you cursed?”

“Asked for it. Wanted to give Buffy what she deserves. Be the man I was.”

“I see.”

They finished the hot chocolate and Xander stood and stretched. He looked down at the miserable vampire on the sofa and his heart went out to him.

“She’ll come around, Spike. Give her time.”

When Spike didn’t answer, Xander pulled him to his feet and walked him to the bedroom. He gave him a gentle shove toward the bed and told him to get some sleep. Then Xander went back out to the living room and flopped down on the sofa. He’d need to see about getting Spike a bed of his own tomorrow.

Part 2

Xander called in sick the next day. He showered, quietly sneaked into his room and liberated some clean clothes from his dresser, dressed and then headed out to procure some blood for Spike so he’d have something to eat when he woke up. He went by Willy’s as well as the butcher’s, figuring that human blood was better for the vampire than animal; and seeing how thin Spike looked, he could probably use it.

Once he got home, Xander quickly put the blood in the refrigerator and went into the bathroom. In his haste, he had forgotten to perform his scent-masking spell before he left. It wouldn’t do him any good to confuse Spike more than he already had, by smelling like him.

It was a relatively simple spell. A few words and a couple drops of a mixture of herbs and pomegranate juice applied to his throat where the scar was. The only drawback was that he had to do it every morning, and with Spike now living with him, he’d have to be extra careful not to forget again.

Xander cracked his bedroom door open and peeked inside. Spike was still sleeping, though it looked as though it hadn’t been a completely peaceful night for him by the way the sheets and blanket were tangled around his legs. He still had a few things to do today, so he backed away and closed the door.

The en suite storage in his apartment was almost as big as a second bedroom except without the closet or window that would usually be found in a bedroom. In other words, it was perfect for a vampire.

Xander moved everything out of the storage room and carried it to the living room. There wasn’t a whole lot in there to begin with, just some tools for around the house, the Christmas decorations and a few boxes of comic books. He figured he could easily store these things in his bedroom closet now that he didn’t need the space for all of Anya’s things.

Once the room was empty, Xander swept it out and washed down the floor. He knew Spike was sensitive to strong smells, and the room reeked of dust and newsprint. He propped the door open with one of the kitchen chairs and then sat down at his desk and logged on to the Internet.

It was easy enough to order a bed and dresser on-line and arrange to have it delivered. He figured he had time to run out to Wal-Mart for sheets and pillowcases for Spike’s bed before the vampire woke up. Just in case, he left a note on the coffee table telling Spike where he went and that there was blood in the fridge.

Wal-Mart was hellish, as usual. He smiled at the old man in the blue frock and accepted a shopping cart. The one bright spot to being practically guaranteed a short life and a painful death was that he wouldn’t have to be that guy when he was old.

Xander stood dumbfounded in the linen aisle. He had no idea what kind of sheets to buy. Obviously plain white cotton was out. Spike would practically disappear on white sheets. If it were his Spike, it would be obvious - blood red silk sheets, or even black. Hell, if it was the Spike he knew before the soul, it would have been the same. Now he had to wonder what William would like to sleep on.

He decided against the typical vampire colors and settled on two sets of cotton sheets - one in navy and one in a deep hunter green. Manly colors, but not vampy.

He headed to the checkout before realizing that Spike had no clothes other than the set he’d been wearing. Xander shook his head at the strange turn of events and headed for men’s wear. He never would have pictured himself willingly buying clothes for Spike. At least not before his entire world was turned upside down.

He wasn’t sure what a newly-souled vampire would want to wear, so he picked up two pairs of jeans - one black, one a faded blue, a package of black t-shirts, a few pairs of boxer briefs - just in case - and a jean jacket - also in black - since he hadn’t seen the vampire’s duster anywhere.

Having picked up everything he thought he needed, Xander headed for the cashier and got in line. He had just finished emptying his cart when he was touched on the shoulder by a small feminine hand. He spun around to see an amused slayer and younger sister.

“Hey, Buff. Dawnie. Shouldn’t you guys be at the high school? Making with the learning and the earning?”

“It’s a P.D. day, Xander; no school for me.”

“I’m not exactly a professional so it doesn’t apply to me. So, whatcha doing?”

“Oh, just a bit of shopping. You?”

“Same thing. I sort of ruined an entire load of towels the other night. I got that orange goop from the demon all over my hands and my hair, and well, let’s just say water and demon slime? So not a good combo in this instance. Oh, that reminds me. You think you could come by later and look at the washing machine?”

Xander smiled.

“Sure, Buff. I’ll be by after dinner.”

“Okay. Hey? Since when did you start dressing like… Oh. My. God. Xander, tell me you are not buying clothes for Spike.”

“I’m not buying clothes for Spike.”

“Are you lying?”

“Yes.”

Buffy sighed and looked at Xander in confusion.

“This isn’t what I expected from you, Xander. I thought you’d be angry, that you’d want to stake him.”

“Hey, Dawn? You want to go out to my car and get the package out of the glove box? I was going to give it to you later, but since you’re here…”

“And since you so obviously want me to go away.”

“I’m sorry. You’re right. But I do have a present for you in the glove box.”

Dawn smiled and took Xander’s keys and rushed for the exit. Xander watched her go with a wistful smile on his face. He wondered what had happened to the Dawn of that crazy mixed-up world. Had she survived after Halfrek put them back there?

The cashier began to ring up Xander’s purchases and put them in bags. Xander handed over his credit card, signed the slip and then collected his shopping bags. Buffy walked him out of the store.

“You should really watch what you say in front of her, Buffy. She’s a lot like you; she’ll hold onto a grudge tighter than Anya holds onto a dollar.”

“When did you get so wise, Xander Harris?”

“I did a lot of growing up over the past year, er, two and a half months, Buffy. A lot of things happened while I was away.”

“Like what? Why won’t you tell us? We’re your friends, Xander; we love you.”

“I know, I’m just not ready to talk about it yet.”

“Okay. But clothes shopping for the evil undead? What’s up with that?”

“Not so evil anymore, Buffy. I know about the soul.”

Buffy sighed in frustration.

“And what? It changed your whole opinion of Spike? Angel has a soul; I don’t see you out shopping for him.”

“I couldn’t afford to shop for him. The bill for hair products alone would break me.”

Buffy shook her head and smiled fondly at Xander. She saw Dawn approaching and quickly asked, “Is he okay, Xander?”

“Yeah. He just needs some time.”

“Okay.”

Dawn was grinning like a kid at Christmas. She threw her arms around Xander and kissed him on the mouth. Buffy and Xander both gaped in shock and then closed their mouths at the same time. Buffy looked at Xander and quirked an eyebrow at him.

“What did you buy her?”

“Just a little gift.”

“A little gift? She smooched you, Xander. That must have been some gift.”

“Go on, Dawn. Show her.”

Dawn pulled an envelope full of gift certificates to some of the trendiest stores in town out of her coat and handed them to Buffy. Buffy looked through them, adding them up mentally and gaped at Xander.

“Xander! There’s $500 worth of gift certificates here!”

“I know.”

He threw an arm around Buffy’s shoulders and walked her a few feet away from Dawn before bending to whisper in her ear.

“I know things are rough for you right now, financially as well as emotionally. I just thought… well, I don’t have to spend money on An anymore and I had the extra cash. Look at her, she’s happy. I did that. And if it takes some stress off you, then all the better, right?”

“Xander…”

Buffy’s eyes welled up with tears and she buried her face into his chest. Xander stroked his hand through her hair, offering her comfort the only way he knew how.

“I love you, Xander. You’re the best friend a girl could ever have. I missed you so much.”

“I missed you too, Buffy.”

Xander was amazed to realize that for the first time, there was no ache - no tinge of jealousy at being called ‘the best friend’ from the girl he had loved since high school. He was happy that she loved him as a friend and nothing more, for as much as he loved her, she was no Spike. And all he wanted now was Spike.

“I have to get going; I have a delivery coming this afternoon I have to be home for. You want a ride home?”

“Nah, I still need to buy those towels, and I think Dawn’s just dying to spend your money.”

Xander kissed the girls and then jogged off toward his car. He hoped he got home before Spike woke up or the delivery guys arrived with the furniture for the vampire’s room.

Part 3

Spike was improving. He was no longer as crazy as he had been that first week after Xander had brought him home. Now, midway through week two of their cohabitation, the vampire seemed almost back to his old self - annoying habits included.

“Spike! God damn it, I thought I asked you not to leave your wet towels all over the floor?”

“You did.”

“So why are there towels all over the floor?”

“Just because you asked, doesn’t mean I’m gonna listen, now does it?”

Xander stopped. Thought about it and burst out laughing. Spike stepped away from him and eyed him warily. He wasn’t sure if he had finally driven the boy around the bend, but if that was the case, he wanted space to run.

“You know what? You’re right. I should have expected this.”

“You’re not gonna yell at me some more? Take a swing at me?”

“Over wet towels? Nah, not worth it. Why? You want me to hit you?”

“Deserve it. After what I did.”

“Spike, I already told you, I understand what happened with Buffy, I don’t like it, but I do understand it.”

“Not her, was talking about your girl.”

Spike paused and looked at Xander in confusion.

“Didn’t they tell you?”

Xander watched as Spike backed away from him, a look of horror on his face.

“They didn’t tell you!”

“No, they didn’t. I assume you mean Anya, so why don’t you tell me?”

Spike sagged onto the couch and put his head in his hands. Xander sat next to him and waited.

“Well, now I know why you’re being so decent to me. No one told you; I shagged your girl. I’ll just be gettin’ my things now.”

Xander gaped at the mental image of his ex-fiancée and Spike… together… doing things.

“Wow, um, how did everyone find out?”

“Was caught on camera. The geek patrol that was stalking Buffy set up a camera at the shop. Just happened that the witch was trying to track the signal back and came upon the broadcast.”

“Ouch. Bet Buffy was pissed.”

“Well, not so much, actually. More hurt than anything else. Why haven’t you hit me yet?”

“Why would I? Anya’s not my girl; not any more. I lost the right to be pissed about her having sex with anyone else when I left her at the altar. So what happened? You guys break up?”

“What!? No, wasn’t like that. It was… solace. She was hurtin’, I was hurtin’. Just sorta happened.”

There was silence for the next few minutes while Xander pondered the idea of Spike and Anya. It was definitely a better match then him and Buffy; at least it would have been, before the soul.

Spike, meanwhile, was using the silence to try and figure out who this new Xander was. The boy he’d known would have torn him apart for touching his girls; either of them. He wondered if he’d ever find out just what had happened to him when he’d disappeared. He hadn’t had the guts to ask him just yet. Maybe now would be a good time?

“Xander? Can I ask you something?”

“You just did.”

Xander smiled and Spike rolled his eyes.

“Fine. Can I ask you something after asking if I can ask you something?”

Xander smiled beatifically at him; Spike was even starting to think like one of them now.

“Sure, Spike. Ask away.”

“Where’d you go? Before I left, everyone was looking for you, it was like you’d dropped off the face of the earth.”

“Long story. Let’s just say that the word ‘wish’ should be stricken from my vocabulary.”

“You made a wish? After leaving your ex-demon fiancée at the altar? Not to mention the fact that there were a bloody lot of vengeance demons at that ceremony. Are you insane?”

“Insane. Drunk. Don’t really remember making a wish. But there you go.”

“What’d you wish for?”

“I wished I knew how my life could have been different. Spent about ten months jumping around to different realities.”

Spike was shocked. He hadn’t really expected Xander to tell him anything. And the idea that he had spent the last ten months - to him, two and half months to everyone else - hopping from world to world was mind boggling. He wanted to ask what he had seen; if he thought he had made the right choices in his life after seeing what could have been.

He wondered if there were places where he had made different choices, like not leaving that damn party over a century ago and getting turned. Was there a reality out there somewhere, where William the bloody awful poet had lived; maybe married and raised a family? Maybe a world where he and Dru hadn’t gone to Prague and therefore never had reason to come to this damnable little California town. Were they still together? Happy?

“Don’t do it, Spike. Trust me; finding out isn’t worth the price you have to pay.”

There was a note of pain and longing in the young man’s voice that brought Spike out of his contemplation. Something had happened during Xander’s time away, something that had fundamentally changed him, something that had hurt him beyond his endurance. Spike was determined to find out what it was.

“Wasn’t gonna do nothin’. Was just thinking about the possibilities.”

“Well, one possibility was you being recaptured by the Initiative. It wasn’t pretty, trust me.”

“How’d that come about? What have you got to do with me being recaptured?”

“I wasn’t here, in Sunnydale. Therefore no cozy basement to hide out in. It’s all interwoven. My life affects everyone else’s, in some way or another. So does yours. Think about the implications of that before doing anything stupid. I’m going to my room. Goodnight, Spike.”

Xander left the vampire sitting on the couch with a lot to think about. He stripped off his shirt and pants, crawled into bed and liberated the CD player from his nightstand. He popped in the first disc he grabbed and the not-so-soothing tones of The Ramones blasted through the tiny ear buds. Xander closed his eyes and remembered his mate dancing around the room listening to this and singing along. It was a good memory and it made him smile, even as the tears rolled down his face.

Spike heard the muted music coming through the headphones and tilted his head in confusion; he didn’t know the boy liked classic punk rock. He walked down the hall and stopped just on the other side of Xander’s door. He could smell tears and grief, as well as hear his muffled sobs. He made a decision; tomorrow while Xander was at work he was going to find out what had happened to him. He felt he owed him; for his friendship these past couple weeks, for his own sanity - the power of the hellmouth was making him even crazier than the soul - and his understanding about not only Buffy but Anya, as well.

Spike had no plans for the night so he heated some blood and settled in front of the TV. A&E was doing a biography on twentieth century poets, and if Xander wasn’t gonna be around to take the piss with him for watching, he was going to do just that - watch.

Part 4

Xander was sitting at his desk eating his lunch and going over some invoices when the door to his trailer opened and Willow stepped inside. He looked up and saw her watching him with interest. He hoped that she couldn’t feel the magic on him the way he could on her; otherwise he wouldn’t be able to keep his secret.

“Hey, Wills. What brings you by? Scooby business?”

Xander tried to ignore the feelings of hurt and mistrust that washed over him. He really needed to try and get past this thing he felt for Willow; everyone made mistakes in their youth, after all, and if it weren’t for the spell he never would have been cursed and met his mate. Everything else aside, it was worth it; he would go through it all again if given the choice. What he had - hopefully would have again - with Spike was worth everything.

“No. Friend business. Xander, you’ve been acting weird with me ever since you got back. Why?”

Xander took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He stamped down on the part of him that wanted to leap across the desk and throttle her for everything he had been through. The pain of the bond had been unusually high today and he was in no mood for her to interrogate him. Instead, he turned the tables on her.

“Were you going to tell me about An and Spike?”

Willow flushed and guiltily looked at the floor. After a moment she raised her head and defiantly looked at Xander.

“No, not at first. Spike was gone so it wasn’t really an issue, then he was back but crazy so… and now, he’s living with you, and Buffy thinks we might need him for whatever is coming so we didn’t want to take any chances that you’d dust him.”

“And what? You figured what I didn’t know wouldn’t hurt me?”

“To be honest? Yes.”

Black rage filled him. He couldn’t believe she had just said that to him. Like he was better off having other people make his decisions? Hardly! From what he had seen of the other Xanders he’d met, the ones who had control of their lives had done pretty damn well for themselves. And yet, Willow stood there in front of him basically telling him that he wasn’t able to make the right choices on his own. That it was better to leave him in the dark.

“Who gave you the right to decide what’s good for me? I don’t think I want you making decisions for me anymore, Willow. I’d rather be hurt and learn from the pain than to have the decision taken from me. Now, if you don’t mind, I have a lot of work to do today and you’re taking up my time.”

Xander hoped she would leave. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could hold back the rage that was building inside of him. Willow looked at Xander strangely but turned and left. If she had stayed a few minutes longer she would have noticed how his eyes had turned black and his hair began to blow away from his face like a strong wind had suddenly swept into the trailer. She was back in the car and pulling away from the site when the explosion happened.

Xander hadn’t realized how much power he had been drawing into himself as he tried to control his anger with his oldest friend. He was fast losing control over it and knew he had to channel it into something before it got away from him. He hoped to hell that no one was in the port-a-potty, and let his power loose on it. He probably should have picked something less… messy.

Thankfully, being on the hellmouth, the crew had seen stranger things than an exploding toilet and were quick to come to the conclusion that it must have been the combination of the sun’s heat and methane gas that caused the accident. Xander wasn’t about to correct them. He was just glad that Rodney had exited the outdoor toilet before he blew it up. Although, he wished he had waited the thirty seconds it would have taken for the man to move out of range of the… spill. There was nothing sadder than seeing a grown man covered in shit and crying.

Part 5

Spike sat on Xander’s bed and read the first entry in the journal in his hands; he had no doubt whatsoever that it had been written by an alternate version of himself. Not only was the penmanship identical, it smelled like him.

So, here I am, William the Bloody with a soddin’ journal. Well, I ain’t gonna write in it like some bloody chit. So I’ll just make like I’m writing this ’cause I plan on letting you read it at some point, okay, love?

Love? Spike was shocked. He hadn’t expected this. He read on.

Xander, I don’t know what possessed you to help me, but I am deeply grateful to you. You will never know how close to the end I was, how easily I could have given up hope on ever having a better life. You saved me. Poncy as it sounds, I owe you my unlife.

I can’t tell you all the things that I’ve been through; reliving them just isn’t in the cards for me right now. Might just send me right around the bend to think of some of it. The lesser extent of the damage, you already know. I was raped, beaten, tortured, mutilated. I’ve had things inside me that no vampire should ever have inside them, crosses, holy water, stakes, UV lights.

Spike growled as the words on the page played out in his mind. That kind of torture was unheard of; even demons wouldn’t do that to one another. Who the hell had put his other self through that?

You’re probably wondering right now what’s going on between us, wish I could tell you. Truth is I don’t know. I know I want you, I need you - so bloody much I’m afraid of what will happen when you realize how pathetic I am and decide you’re better off without me. I know that I don’t deserve you, but I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you with me as long as I can.

Since this is my book, and I don’t have to let you read this unless I want to, I can admit to myself in here that I love you. Don’t know when it happened exactly, but I do. Won’t tell you though, too scared of running you off.

You’ve given me back my life, my freedom. You gave me safety, security, loyalty and friendship. You gave me the sun, Xander;

“What? How the hell?”

words can’t express what that means to me, hopefully someday I’ll be able to show you. You make me whole; with you I want to write bloody poetry and read it to you in bed. I used to be a poet, back before I was changed. You bring out the man in me, Xander. That’s a good thing.

When I made love to you - and that is what I did - it was because I wanted to, wanted you. I hope you know that it wasn’t just sex, that I wasn’t using you. I wouldn’t, not you - not ever. I’m not ready to let you take me, but it’s not because I don’t want you, it’s just that I’m afraid. Yeah, that’s right. The Big Bad is afraid. They hurt me, love. They hurt me so badly I don’t know if I’ll ever recover. I hope you can understand that, and that you’ll be patient.

Spike knew that whoever had done these things to his double had caused him more than just physical damage. They hurt him emotionally; the big bad feared nothing. He’d survived Angelus, for Christ sake. Once again he wondered who had done this.

Meeting you as a vampire has been an enlightening experience - you make a bloody gorgeous demon, love. A part of me wants to turn you so badly it makes my teeth itch. My demon screams out for you. Not because I want to kill you, because I want to claim you, keep you forever. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you now. I need you so bloody much it scares me. The rest of me though, well, the rest of me wants you forever as well, but as you are, warm and human and so bloody perfect. I love dipping into your body, feeling all that heat surrounding me, holding me tight. Bloody amazing. Don’t want to give that up any time soon, or at all.

Spike adjusted himself in his jeans and read on.

I know you’re eager to get home, to get back to your mates and all, but I hope we don’t get there too soon. I don’t want to share you just yet; I’m selfish that way. I like having you all to myself, holding you close, watching you sleep. I’m afraid I’ll lose you when we get to your world. To your friends, your life, your Spike. He must realize what a fine man you are, even if he doesn’t say anything. I’m jealous of myself, bloody ironic, innit?

Spike chuckled. Before the soul, that would have made him laugh out loud. Now though, the way Xander had been taking care of him, he could almost understand the sentiment.

You gave me so much, my life, my freedom, your trust, your… innocence. You give and give, Xander. And I take and take. What the hell do you get out of this? I’m no prize, pet. I know that. Wasn’t when I was human, nor after I was turned - Angelus wanted to stake me so many times it wasn’t funny, even worse now. I can’t even be a proper vampire, can’t protect you from other humans.

Worthless. That’s what I am. I won’t tell you that though, figure it out on your own sooner or later. Me, I’m hoping for later. I want to have as much time with you as I can before it all gets blown to shit. Don’t know what I’ll do then, just wait for the dawn I suppose; ring comes off, after all.

“Ring? What ring? Bloody hell! He had the gem of Amara?”

Spike turned the page and read on. He was part way through the next entry when he vamped out and began snarling at the things he was reading.

He reeks of them, Finn, and his boys. I’m surprised Angel can’t smell it, maybe he can.

You know they skinned me once? Peeled me like a fucking apple. I screamed, I’ll admit. Wouldn’t you? One long strip from shoulder to wrist, both sides. Then my legs, ankle to thigh. They laughed while they did it; couple of ’em even jerked off onto my skinless chest and back once it was all finished. I could still smell them, under my skin when it grew back. I had to cut it off again myself to wash away the filth. Wasn’t easy, I couldn’t reach my back, I ended up pouring holy water on it to burn the skin away.

Riley Finn had done those things? It was almost unbelievable; the Finn he knew was no rapist, he was nothing more than a submissive little shit who got his jollies off having vampires feed from him. He had his head so far up Buffy’s ass he could see what she’d eaten for breakfast.

“What the hell turned Farmboy into a psycho?”

Spike continued to read the journal. He was shocked at the way this Spike wrote about Xander, about the things he had done. It wasn’t the boy he remembered; the Xander he knew would never torture a human being. But from what he was looking at, Xander had done just that.

God, my pet bloody amazes me! For a white hat, he has some wickedly cruel ideas in his head. Hells, even Angelus was impressed by him. And that’s saying quite a bit; my sire doesn’t impress easily.

Xander never even balked once throughout the whole thing. Not when Angelus poured acid on Finn or when he pulled off his fingernails, not even when he rammed the hot poker up his ass. Hells, even I was a bit nauseated by the smell of that; burnt flesh and excrement, not a nice aroma.

The boy seems to have a particular fondness for pulling Finn’s teeth. I think he’s got all of them now. Kept them too. Don’t know why, souvenirs I guess. Like that about him, sentimental fool.

Spike continued reading through the journal wondering if he shouldn’t have started with the other book instead. Reading the thoughts of his other self was more than a little disturbing. Knowing that he had been in love with Xander, that Xander had been... intimate with him. He hadn’t even known the boy was bent.

The second to last entry in the journal made Spike sit up in alarm on the bed. He desperately wished for a cigarette as he read.

I don’t know what deity I have to thank for you, who it is that looks out for helpless vampires, but I owe them a bloody lot of gratitude. I still can’t believe you’re mine. That you agreed to mate with me has filled my dead heart with a joy that I’ve never experienced in my long life. Not even Dru made me feel this way and she was my sire.

I’m just sitting here in the dark watching you sleep, seeing my claim on your neck and I feel like I’m going to explode I’m so full of... don’t even know how to explain it. Just knowing that you’re mine, body and soul, it does things to me. Makes me wish I could shout it out to the world; that Xander Harris loves me enough to bind himself to me forever.

So, what the hell am I doing sitting in a chair watching you sleep when I could be in that bed with you? Holding you? Never said I was the smartest demon around.

If you ever read this, Xander, just know that you’ve made me the happiest I’ve ever been. If I had been cursed with a soul, I would have lost it the moment you looked into my eyes and told me you loved me. If I’m dusted tomorrow, I’ll go a happy man. Everything I’ve been through has been worth it, because it led me to you. I love you Xander.

“Soddin’ hell. The boy mated to a vampire? An alternate-reality version of me? A non-souled version of me? What the hell was he thinking?”

Spike had heard of vampires taking humans for mates, but it didn’t happen too often. Usually the vamp would just turn the human; being the sire gave them the right to claim them as a mate, as well. He never understood why a vampire would want to claim a human as mate, not until Buffy, anyway.

Xander’s treatment of him was beginning to make more sense to him now. He only hoped that he wasn’t looking to replace what he had lost. He wasn’t that Spike, never could be. He had fought too hard, endured too much, to the point of getting his soul back to earn Buffy’s love. He wouldn’t give up on her loving him. He couldn’t.

The last passage in the book was rather detailed and personal. It was enough to make the soul blush in response to the images the demon conjured up to go along with the words. As he read, he knew he’d never be able to look at Xander the same way again.

The things I want to do to you, Xander you have no idea. Tonight? That was just the tip of the iceberg of what I have in store. Spanking your ass ’til it was nice and pink was fun, but someday, oh someday I’m gonna spank you ‘til you’re raw and begging for me to stop. Then I’m gonna spank you just a little bit more.

Seeing you spread-eagled on the bed, cuffed to the headboard and at my mercy, bloody hell you have no idea what that does to me. You’re so beautiful love, so hot. I could look at you forever; see you stare at me with lust and love and longing in your eyes, watch your cock dripping for me, wanting to taste you - you taste exquisite - but making myself wait, knowing it’ll be that much better when I finally give in.

I want to get you a piercing, a good sturdy hoop through your nipple. You’ll love it; I promise. I think silver would look lovely against your tanned skin. Something I can play with, make you squirm and beg for more. You’re so responsive, Xan; the way you took to the whip was unbelievable.

Can’t wait ‘til I can use it on you proper like. Teasing and soft touches are all good and fun and I know it was torture for you, feeling the softness of the leather as I dragged it over your skin, as I trailed it down between your legs. I knew the cock ring would come in handy; can’t have you soiling my new toy. I wonder though, will you use it on me if I ask you? Would you tie me down and whip my back, my ass, mark me? Make me bleed for you? I’d love it, you know. To bleed for you, to beg for you.

‘Course, turn about’s fair play, innit? I’d want to do all those things to you as well. Would you let me? Would you beg for me so prettily? Call me master? I’d do it for you, be your willing slave. Would you bleed for me, Xander? I love the way you taste; your blood calls to me, makes me hard just thinking about it. I love the way you taste when you cum.

I don’t know what we’re going to face tomorrow when we go looking for the Master, but I do know that with you by my side, I can face anything.

The rest of the book was empty and Spike felt like he had been left dangling over a cliff. He wanted to know how it ended, what had happened to his doppelganger, how he had been killed. It was obvious that whatever had happened, it had happened not long after this entry, likely the next day. He knew the only way he would get the answers he wanted was to read through Xander’s journal. It just felt wrong. At least he had been able to tell himself that because this was Spike’s journal, and he was Spike, he had some right to read it.

It was a flimsy excuse and he knew it, but he had no excuse for reading Xander’s. He decided to go and have that cigarette; maybe the nicotine would help him think up some validation for invading the man’s privacy.

Part 6

Spike stood on the balcony and smoked. He’d gone through seven cigarettes already and still had no excuse for what he knew he was going to do. He looked around the shaded-off area of the balcony he was standing on and smiled. Xander had been adamant about him not smoking inside; but instead of simply expecting him to go without a smoke during the day, he had carefully screened off a section of the balcony for him to use. It was little things like this that had made him wonder what the man was up to in the first place.

The first morning he had awoken in Xander’s bed he was disoriented. He had a nagging feeling that something major had happened and he didn’t remember any of it. Slowly it came back to him; being in the basement, seeing Dru, Angelus, The Master, A.D.A.M., Glory, even Buffy. All of them taunting him with his failures. He began to lose himself, his grip on reality. Then Xander came.

He remembered being crazy, saying the most insane things about hall passes and disappearing doors. Xander had dismissed his worries and taken him out of there, going so far as to carry him when he collapsed in grief.

He remembered Xander sending him to shower, giving him clean, warm clothes and making him hot chocolate before sending him to bed - his bed. The fact that Xander had taken the couch for him said a lot. As he lay there that first morning, he wondered when it was that Xander had been replaced, and who this new Xander was. He wondered if the scoobies were aware of the change.

Things only got worse when Xander came home. He had not only brought Spike a mug of warm blood, but he’d given him clothes - new clothes - that he had paid for himself. Then he told him about the spare room. Spike had been stunned by the gesture, and wanted to know what he had done to the real Xander, and the boy laughed in his face and told him he was sorry.

That was the strangest thing ever. Xander had apologized to him, for things he had no reason to feel bad about. It wasn’t as though he had been any better to the kid before or after the chip. Spike had accepted the apology, made a few of his own, and they seemed to move on from there. But he still had no idea why Xander had changed, or what it meant. It made him uncomfortable; if he had changed, he could change back. Spike didn’t want to get comfortable only to be thrown out on his ass.

That was why he wanted to know what had happened to Xander. Finding out about the curse had answered some of his questions; he knew how situations like that could make you grow up fast. He had still had too many unanswered ones though, so he’d resorted to snooping. Now, knowing that Xander had been mated to his alternate - one of his alternates - he had to know the whole story.

Spike - the one who’d written the journal - had mentioned a couple of times that they had taken a third into their bed, or the hotel lobby, in Angel’s case, and Spike had damn near choked reading that. The very idea that Xander would fuck Angel, of all people, made him doubt his sanity once again. The thing about him and two Spikes was much easier to understand. If he was attracted to one, why wouldn’t he be attracted to another? Which brought up the question of ‘what exactly did Xander want from him?’.

Spike ground out his cigarette and went back inside. He walked straight back to Xander’s room and picked up his journal. He was damned already, so he might as well read it.

As the minutes passed, Spike read through Xander’s words and felt like he was there with him. Xander babbled on paper the same way he spoke. He could tell the young man was frightened but trying to deal with this new situation the same way he always did; accept it and move on - with humor, if possible.

The way he wrote about his one double and the crazy slayer - Faith - made him chuckle; he just couldn’t see the boy settled down as Joe Normal. He snorted at his opinion of Angelus after the demon reality; of course he had cursed after reading what the boy had been through there, and the nightmares that followed. He was kind of glad his other self had comforted the boy. He was still freaked out about the being-owned-by-Riley thing. He couldn’t hold in the laughter at the image of Xander and Wesley Wyndam-Pryce together. Angel’s watcher was a bigger prig than Rupert.

The time seemed to fly by as he lost himself in the story Xander had woven. He felt the highs and lows of the man’s journey, blushed at the imagery some of the pages produced and cried along with him as he read about his pain after losing his mate. The tears of pain turned to those of amusement at the idea of a female Xander carrying his child. He bet the boy wasn’t too happy about it, especially as it was Buffy that had cursed him.

He wondered how the boy had survived all that, no one to lean on, not knowing if he’d ever get home. It was no wonder he was being so kind to him. This man knew who he was - who he really was. There was a reason why he still acted so much the same even now that he had a soul; William had always been a part of him, and now Xander knew that.

He wasn’t sure how to deal with this information. He was being given an opportunity here to let someone see the real him, the man he had always been underneath all the fronting and bravado. Someone who already knew who he was and accepted it. He could finally just be. All he had to do was let Xander in.

He read the entry about him and Buffy. How Xander had finally figured it out. He felt a mix of joy and pain. Joy that Xander would accept the fact that he loved her, and that if Buffy ever gave him another chance he would be supportive of them; but he felt pain for Xander, for having even a slight chance of being happy when Xander’s mate was dust. He turned the next page and saw that it was the last entry of his journey. He sighed and debated on turning the page. He had his answers, and anything else in that book was about the here and now. He knew he had to put the book away but he watched as his traitorous hand turned the page. He read.

I haven’t written since I’ve been back. It just seems so weird; this was a part of a life I no longer lead. I’m home now, no unexpected shifts into alternate realities, no meeting other Xanders out there and finding out what their lives are like. No wondering what the next place will be like.

Life here is simple compared to that. I get up, I go to work - yes I still have my job. Thanks Anya! - I come home, shower, eat, go to Buffy’s, patrol, and then come home to bed. Well at least I did. That all changed yesterday. While at Buffy’s place getting ready to head out, Spike showed up. I almost swallowed my tongue.

I admit it hurt to see him, he was so beautiful in this tight blue shirt, hair freshly bleached. He looked like a wet dream. And he only had eyes for Buffy. I realized then that my life had just taken on new levels of pain. He’s not my Spike, but he’s still Spike, and it hurts knowing he loves her.

I was lying in bed trying to figure out what was different about him when it dawned on me - Spike has a soul. I went to the high school and brought him home with me. I was so angry at Buffy; I mean how could she just leave him there? But then I realized she was scared. Of him, of herself, of what she feels. I know Buffy, and she wouldn’t have spent all that time with Spike, sleeping with Spike if she didn’t feel something for him. It’s so much easier for me; yeah I’m a guy and no one knows I’m bisexual yet, but she’s a slayer, and she’s having emotional feelings toward a demon.

Yeah, it’s happened before - Angel - and look how well that worked out for her, and Spike didn’t even have a soul. I think that’s what made it worse, he tried to rape her; he proved to her just how soulless he was and even though she was angry, even though she was scared, she still felt for him. Now, well, now he goes out and does the one thing that he knows will hurt himself the most just to give her a reason to let herself love him, and she doesn’t know how to deal with it. For all Angel’s declarations of love, without his soul, he hated her. Spike loved her without a soul and got one just to prove it. From her perspective, it’s kinda scary.

So now I have Spike here, and set up in the storage room. I bought him a bed and a dresser, sheets, pillows all the basics. The fridge is stocked with blood; I got him some clothes and asked him to stay. You know what he said? He asked who I was and what I had done with the real Xander.

I miss my lover. At night I crawl into an empty bed; cool sheets caress me instead of cool flesh. I sleep with a pillow spooned to my chest instead of my mate. I see him in my dreams and he smiles at me, holds me close, tells me he’ll never leave me. But then I wake up alone and the pain starts.

I haven’t found anything to deal with it yet. Sometimes it gets so bad I think I might die. The other night on patrol I was almost killed by a fledgling. If it weren’t for the claim I think he would have gotten me. He hissed out ‘Spike’ just before Buffy came up and dusted him from behind. I’d forgotten all about the scent on me from Spike’s claim. I found a spell to mask it the next day, I’ve been using it ever since. Good thing too, or I would have had a lot of explaining to do when Spike showed up like that. It was bad enough when Nancy asked if there was anyone there who hadn’t slept with each other. I’m sure from the look he gave me he could smell my arousal.

I do find him attractive; I mean he’s Spike. Physically, he’s identical to my mate. But he’s not him. I can’t pretend he is, either. I don’t want to. I didn’t bring him home for that. I took him in out of friendship, out of compassion. I only want my Spike, no others. There has to be a spell out there somewhere, and if there is, I’ll find it.

Spike closed the book and put it away. He had some ideas of how he might be able to help Xander, but he didn’t know how to go about it without telling him he had read his journal. If that other Spike’s blood had helped with the pain, then he was more than willing to bleed for him. And of course, there was the little issue of Darla. If some hotshot law firm was able to bring her back, then there had to be a spell to raise the undead. He just needed to find a way to let Xander know without tipping his hand.

Part 7

Xander pulled into his parking spot and turned off the engine. He really liked his new car; it was such an improvement over his Uncle Rory’s old wreck. He stepped out, retrieved the book and the bag of herbs and then locked the car. As he turned around, he let out a very unmanly shriek as Anya appeared right in front of him - demon face to the fore.

“Jesus Christ, An! What are you trying to do? Scare me to death?”

Anya laughed and reverted to her human guise. She shook her head fondly at the man she had almost married.

“No, if I were trying to do that, I would have succeeded by now. I just came to see how you are doing. So, how are you doing?”

“I’m fine. Really.”

“No you’re not. I know you, Xander; something is wrong. What is it?”

“I found out about you and Spike.”

“Oh. Are you angry? Because you have no reason to be. You left me, and Spike was just as sad as I was. It was comfort. And really none of your business, as I already said.”

“I’m not angry. Not at you, or Spike. I understand why, I just… well, I found out, and when I asked Willow if she had ever planned on telling me, she told me that they were keeping it from me on purpose. That they decided I was better off not knowing. I’m so tired of other people making my decisions, of not having control over my own life.”

“How did you find out, anyway?”

“Spike told me.”

“Xander, I think you should tell them what happened. If you want to keep your friends you have to be honest.”

“The way Willow was honest?”

“No. What she did was wrong. But keeping the truth from people won’t make your problems go away.”

“I know. I’m just not ready yet.”

“All right. But do it soon, okay? Maybe you could start with Spike. He’d be the easiest to talk to, and once that’s out of the way, you could find out if he’s interested in having orgasms with you. He’s very good.”

Anya nodded her head emphatically and Xander choked. Then he smiled at her.

“I don’t want to have orgasms with Spike. I just want to be friends. And no, before you say it, I don’t want to be orgasm-friends with him, either. He loves Buffy, and he’s not my Spike.”

“Well, okay. I’ll see you later, Xander. We’ll have lunch.”

Anya disappeared and Xander headed for the front of the building. He honestly missed Anya’s strange ways. For all her bluntness, she tried to be a good friend to him, even after he’d left her at the altar. Not many women would forgive a guy for that. Not many vengeance demons, either.

He made his way up to his apartment, still mulling over the strange conversation he had had with the woman at the bookstore and then the even stranger one with his ex. He wasn’t sure if he should talk to Spike. He wasn’t sure he could talk to him. Spike had enough problems right now; he didn’t need Xander adding to them.

As he walked inside, he smelled a familiar scent that prickled at the back of his mind. He followed it and found the vampire in the kitchen, a bloody knife in his hand, a few chopped vegetables in a bowl and a puddle of blood on the counter. He frowned at the scene. Spike spun around, pushing the bleeding digit into his mouth and smiling sheepishly at Xander.

“Sorry. Was going to surprise you with dinner, but I made a right mess in here.”

Xander smiled indulgently and went into the room. He pulled Spike’s finger from his mouth with a wet slurping sound and examined the wound. He had to stop himself forcefully from licking the tip where blood began to well up once again.

“Maybe you should go clean that out. I’ll tidy up in here.”

“Ta. Sorry ’bout the mess, pet.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll call for pizza, no biggie.”

Spike headed for the bathroom and Xander grabbed a roll of paper towels and the spray bottle of all-purpose cleaner. He looked at the puddle of crimson liquid on the counter and then decided ‘what the hell’. He was desperate, after all, and he ran his finger through the sticky mess and brought it to his lips.

He closed his eyes as the taste washed over him, taking him back in time to the first time he had drunk from his mate. His cock leapt to attention and his eyes snapped open. He quickly finished, swiped his fingers through the blood again and licked them clean before spraying down the counter and tossing out the vegetables. What the hell had Spike been thinking anyway? Who ate cucumbers and eggplant together?

Spike watched from his vantage point in the hallway. It had been a good plan on his part, clumsy kitchen accident. No fuss no muss. Xander got what he needed and Spike didn’t have to confess his crimes. He still felt bad about snooping, but knowing he could help Xander made it worth it. It gave his soul some peace. Unfortunately, the wall of pheromones that had hit him had left him rather in desperate need of a wank.

He waited until Xander had finished cleaning up the blood and throwing out his admittedly poor attempt at dinner - he could actually cook if he wanted to - before going back into the room. A quick glance down told him Xander was just as hard as he was. He smirked.

“So, pizza for dinner and then what?”

“Um, well, I suppose patrol and then home.”

“Right. Uh, want company? Been a few days since I whaled on anything. Could use a spot of violence.”

“Yeah, I’m sure Buffy won’t mind.”

Pizza was ordered and eaten, Spike dipping his crusts in his blood. They suited up and headed out into the night. The walk over was made in companionable silence, interrupted occasionally by easy banter. Xander thought that Spike might be starting to open up to him.

Buffy was surprised to see Spike at her door; since the night of the giant worm demon, he had kept a pretty low profile. She knew he was trying to give her time and space and she appreciated it. She knew that the Spike standing in front of her now was not the same man who had attacked her. He had changed - willingly, for her.

“Hey guys, come on in.”

They followed Buffy into the house and looked around at the grim faces of the other scoobies. Tara and Willow were curled up together on the end of the sofa; Willow was stroking her hand through Tara’s hair. Dawn was sitting in the chair by the far side of the room looking decidedly green.

“Hey, what’s up?”

Xander hadn’t seen the gang this down for some time. He wondered what in the hellmouth had happened this time.

“Dawn and Tara found a body.”

Buffy was in full-on slayer mode. She hated it when her vocation affected her sister’s life. It was just not fair as far as she was concerned; Dawn was just a kid, she shouldn’t have to deal with all of this.

“It was… flayed.”

Willow’s contribution to the conversation. As soon as the words left her mouth, Tara shuddered in her arms and she resumed soothing her. Xander looked at Spike and raised an eyebrow.

“Don’t look at me, pet. I’m strictly a fluids man, myself.”

“Ewww, and gross, Spike. I was simply wondering if you had any clues on what kind of demon eats skin.”

“Well, there’s Clem… ”

As the scoobies all stared in horror, Spike continued.

“…but he prefers the extra-crispy chicken variety. He wouldn’t eat a human if you paid him.”

Spike seemed to consider what he’d just said.

“Well, maybe if you paid him. But it’d have to be a bloody lot of money. You people aren’t as clean as you look, you know?”

The collected group of ‘eeww’ faces made Spike wonder if he’d said too much. Then Xander laughed, followed by Tara’s delicate giggle, finally followed by an unladylike snort from Dawn.

“What? S’bloody true! Humans are full of diseases, and you sweat, and your skin attracts dirt and…”

“Spike, I think they’re laughing at the irony of a vampire - a creature who haunts cemeteries and claws its way out of the grave lecturing about cleanliness.”

Buffy raised her eyebrow at him and then smiled as Spike realized she had a point. While he himself preferred to be clean, he had to admit that hygiene wasn’t your average vamp’s first priority. Or their tenth priority, to be honest.

“True enough. So, what’s the plan then? Books, or do we go hunt?”

“We hunt. They…”

Pointing at the girls.

“…do the book thing. Xander? You with us or staying to help with the research?”

It was a casual offer, but Xander could tell she wanted him to accompany her. He shrugged his shoulders and walked toward her and Spike.

“You know me, not so much with the book thing. Think I’ll accompany you guys, maybe I’ll get a chance to throw myself at something particularly nasty.”

The trio headed out into the darkened streets of Sunnydale while the three who were left behind hit the books and checked out the demons on-line. It was Dawn who finally found something.

“Look! Right here it says the demon Gnarl is a parasitic demon who paralyses his victim with a poison secreted through his fingernails - more like claws actually, and then cuts strips from their skin. Oh, yuck. He does this while they’re still alive.”

“B-but there was no skin? I didn’t see any skin.”

“You wouldn’t, he eats it. And furthermore, he drinks the blood, licks it up like a cat. There was no blood; this is our guy. Come on, we gotta find the others and tell them what we’ve found.”

It was several hours later when they all stomped wearily into the Summers’ house. They had found the demon; he had been hiding in a cave. Unfortunately, he was having dinner when they got there. It was too late to save the girl; she was already dead, but they killed the demon.

“I still don’t think that was very funny!”

Dawn - hands on her hips and a scowl on her face - stared at Xander and Spike. They grinned and shrugged their shoulders.

“Oh come on, you would have laughed if it happened to someone else.”

“But it didn’t, Xander. It happened to me, and you guys… posed me! Like I was a life-sized Barbie doll or something!”

Xander grinned. He couldn’t help it. Buffy was fighting the demon and he and Spike were guarding Dawn after she had gotten too close and the demon had scratched her. It was purely an accident that he realized she was moveable. It had been Spike’s idea to pose her like Buffy. Putting a stake in one of her hands, placing the other one on her hip and then moving her mouth into a scowl. It was funny. He had to play too.

“Well yeah, but at least I didn’t make you stick your tongue out and go cross-eyed.”

“Oi! You were the one who tried to make her look like some soddin’ B-movie vampire. Honestly, Xander, claw hands and a big show of teeth? I thought you were more familiar with us vamps than that.”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Come on, blondie, let’s go home.”

“Right. Night all.”

Dawn watched as the two men left the house together, talking and laughing as they went.

“Is it just me, or does anyone else think Xander has a thing for Spike now?”

Dawn smirked as three women stood gaping at her. Oh yeah, she still had it. She smiled and headed up to bed.

Part 8

The next week was crazy. Xander had felt more like himself since Spike’s accident in the kitchen, but the vampire was acting more than a little bit weird. Xander would catch him smelling him sometimes, and he stared at him a lot. Especially at his neck. It was giving him a wiggins. Not that he thought Spike would bite him; it was just that soul or no, he was a vampire, and Xander understood that a whole lot better than he used to. The worst part was, Xander remembered how a bite felt when it was done right, how it made him hard and left him wanting; he wasn’t sure if he’d even defend himself if Spike attacked. Again, not that he thought he would.

After the incident at the site, Xander had tried to keep a tight rein on his anger. He certainly didn’t want to end up losing control or doing anything like that again. So, he put aside his anger and mistrust of Willow and tried to fit back into the goofy-Xander place he had vacated when the curse came into effect. It seemed to be working; no one noticed that his efforts were half-hearted at best. No one, that is, except Spike.

They had spent the evening tracking down some high school punk who was using a magic-ed jacket to get all the girls to fall for him. It worked well, as not only was Dawn swooning over the creep, but Xander had walked into a Mary Kay Letourneau situation with him and the Buffster in one of the empty classrooms.

He had taken Spike with him to get the coat, seeing as how RJ had shown up at the Summers’ house and mojo-ed both Willow and Anya as well. Good thing they had stopped by; Willow was all set to turn him into a girl. God only knows what An had been up to. Something involving grand larceny, he was sure.

So with the coat in his hands, Xander led Spike back to Buffy’s place where they burned it. Just your average evening’s entertainment here on the hellmouth. He wondered why it was they didn’t have more tourism. “Come for the sun. Stay for the possession!” They could make a fortune selling novelty shirts that read “My parents vacationed on the Hellmouth and all I got was this stupid t-shirt, an extra eye in the back of my head, and the memories of an ex-Green Beret.” It was catchy if not original.

Now they were home, two men vegging in front of the TV, drinking beer and watching soccer - Xander refused to call it football no matter how many times Spike corrected him. It was… comfortable, easy, relaxing, and God he just wanted to scream with the frustration of it all.

Spike was miserable. Buffy had been making eyes at her boss, not to mention riding one of the students. Xander was miserable, as well. He felt uncomfortable around his friends because they all wanted to know what had happened and he wouldn’t tell them. He was trying to learn how to control his magical powers but he wasn’t having a lot of success - blowing up the john had been the only thing that had gone right, and he was horny as hell. He had gotten used to keeping up with his mate’s sexual appetites and he felt the absence of sex very acutely.

Spike was sniffing him again. It was very discreet, and if Xander hadn’t been waiting for it, he wouldn’t have noticed. As it was, he was highly irritable so he snapped at the vampire.

“What? What is it about me that you keep sniffing me?”

“I wasn’t!”

“You were! You were so sniffing me, pal.”

“Like I’d sniff you.”

“Oh you would! You… Hey! No fair cheating. We were having an argument, buddy. You can’t blindside me with humor.”

“Alright, you smell nummy. Happy?”

“You. Are a funny vampire. Funny, funny vampire. Maybe we should put you on stage; you could be the undead Jerry Seinfeld.”

Spike snorted and rolled his eyes. Xander squinted his in suspicion.

“Hey! You were doing it again!”

“Doing what?”

“Distracting me. Now out with it. Do I smell bad or something?”

“No. You smell… actually you smell fuckin’ amazing. For some reason, you’ve always smelled good, like fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies. But lately? It’s… overwhelming. I’m surprised every demon on the hellmouth hasn’t been gunning for you. You are the demon equivalent of prime rib, Xander - with all the trimmings.”

“Oh. So when you said I smelled nummy, you were telling the truth?”

“Yeah. Now shut up and watch the match.”

An hour later and the game was finished. Xander didn’t remember much about it after talking to Spike. He spent the rest of the time trying to figure out how to mask his scent to the demon population of Sunnydale. The last thing he wanted was to go around smelling like a steakhouse while out on patrol. He switched off the television absently and closed his eyes. He was getting a hell of a headache. He tried a few of the meditative breathing techniques he had read about while trying to learn how to focus his control, hoping they would ease the pain a bit.

He was in a light doze when he felt cool finger at his temples, gently circling, applying just the slightest bit of pressure. Spike had amazing hands, Xander had almost enjoyed having headaches in the past because Spike would always scoot in behind him - just like he was now and ease the tension for him.

“Yeah, just like that. Fuck, you have the best hands.”

Spike shook his head fondly; he could feel the tension radiating out of the man and knew this would help. He had waited until Xander was in a light doze before moving into position behind him. He admitted he had an ulterior motive; he was trying to see if Xander had a scar, since he couldn’t smell a claim on him. He smelled like magic though, so there was a good chance he was masking it.

“Hmmm, love your hands. Don’t stop, feels good.”

Xander was in his happy place. Reclined against Spike’s cool chest, gentle fingers rubbing small circles on his temples, he only wished for the purr; that would make everything perfect. He would fall asleep if only Spike would purr for him.

Spike gently moved Xander’s head to the side and gazed into the open collar of his shirt. There it was, plain as day if you knew what you were looking for. A scar; a claim. His claim. It was identical to his mark - every vampire worth his salt knew the look of his own bite, as well as the bite of his family, and their enemies, for that matter. It kept you from mistaking another master’s pet for a random meal. The demon within him reacted at once to the visual stimulation. Having felt alone and unwanted for so long, it grabbed onto this lifeline and held it tight. Spike felt the demon’s satisfaction as it rumbled happily. It wasn’t alone; it had a companion - a mate - even if it wasn’t technically his. He was the only “Spike” in this reality.

“Mmm, purry. Nice vampire. Pretty vampire.”

Xander mumbled happily and then fell asleep to the feel and sound of Spike purring - content for the first time since getting his soul - behind him. Eventually, all good things had to come to an end and Spike lifted Xander into his arms and carried him to his bed. He deftly stripped him out of his shirt and jeans and with a soft kiss to his forehead tucked him in and whispered goodnight. Xander smiled in his sleep and whispered back.

“Night, Spike. Love you.”

Spike smiled sadly and left the room. He wanted to believe that the words were meant for him, even though he knew better. It wasn’t as though he was in love with Xander; his heart still belonged to Buffy. But he was lonely, and having someone who loved him, even in friendship, would be nice right about now.

Part 9

Xander had woken early in the morning feeling refreshed and happy. He had had the best dreams; Spike had been here, talking to him, holding him and kissing him. They had made love over and over. He felt… sated. He rolled onto his back and stretched.

“Morning love, did you sleep well?”

Xander squeaked and sat up. He hadn’t expected anyone to be in his room. He panicked, thinking that somehow he had taken advantage of his roommate in his sleep. But that wasn’t Spike-with-a-soul in his bed. It was Spike - his Spike. Dark hair, twinkling blue eyes; he was beautiful.

“Spike?”

“Here, love.”

“Oh, God! Oh God!”

Xander scrambled out of bed and stood trembling by his bedroom door. He wanted so badly to just throw himself into Spike’s arms and cry in relief. But he couldn’t trust what he was seeing. Spike was gone; he knew this.

“What’s wrong, love? Not happy to see me?”

“No… yes, I mean, of course I am! But, you’re dead. Dust, I mean.”

Spike climbed out of bed and walked toward Xander. He was naked and hard and Xander looked at him and he wanted him. He stepped toward him holding out his hand. Spike stopped just out of reach and shook his head sadly.

“Can’t, love. No touching; that’s the rule.”

“Why? Why can’t I touch you?”

“Not corporeal, am I? Nothing but dust in the wind - or a pot as the case may be. Besides, you don’t need me. Got a perfect replica across the hall. He’s got a soul and everything; no reason for your mates to get testy or anything.”

“Wha… Spike? No. He’s not; he’s not you. I love you.”

“Really? Then why’d you tell him you loved him last night? Wasn’t me that carried you to bed; wasn’t me that undressed you, that kissed you goodnight. It was him. It was him that you smiled at, that you spoke words of love to.”

As Xander tried desperately to remember the events of the night before, the image of Spike in front of him began to change. His hair lightened, his body thinned out and his eyes lost the spark of life within them. He looked like he had when they had first met. When he had been with Riley.

“No. Don’t do this.”

“Why? This is what I am, just a used-up replica of the demon you really want.”

Spike’s skin became mottled with bruises; scars appeared on his chest and abs, his skin began to peel away in strips. Xander shook his head in denial. He didn’t want to see this.

“Why? Why are you doing this to me? I thought you loved me?”

“But I do love you, Xander. I died for you, didn’t I?”

Spike’s image changed again, this time to what he looked like just after his hand had been severed. Xander sobbed and stepped toward him again.

“I’m sorry, oh God I’m so sorry. I never meant… It was an accident.”

“Hmm, doesn’t help though, does it? I’m still gone, and you’re all alone. Doesn’t have to be that way, love.”

Xander shook his head.

“I don’t want him. Only you, Spike. Only you.”

Spike smiled softly at him.

“Come with me then, Xan. We can be together again, just you and me. Forever.”

“I… Wait. How?”

“Death isn’t the end, love, it’s just the beginning.”

Xander didn’t understand what Spike was talking about at first but when the realization hit him, he backed away from Spike instantly. He looked again at the image in front of him.

“No. You’re not Spike. He would never ask me to die. I don’t know what you are but it won’t work. Whatever it is you’re up to, you will fail.”

“Suicide thing was too far, huh? Hmm. You seemed so ripe.”

“Who are you?”

The Spike-thing sneered at Xander and then affected a sad, pouty face.

“But I love you. I don’t want him, only you. Please. I know what’s really in your heart; you’d take him in an instant if he offered. Use him up; pretend he was the real thing. You’re not the pure soul you pretend to be, Xander; I know what you’re capable of - all that darkness inside you. You’ve got a taste for it now, don’t you? It’s the end of the world, lover. Whose side are you going to be on? From beneath you it devours.”

Xander watched - shocked - as Spike’s face distorted, his grin growing wider and wider until he turned inside out and disappeared. Xander dropped to his knees and wept. He was still crying minutes later when Spike knocked softly on his door. He didn’t even register the door opening or the vampire crouching down in front of him.

“Xan? You alright?”

Xander’s hand shot out and grabbed the startled vampire. He raised his eyes to look at him and sagged in relief.

“You’re real.”

“Er, yeah.”

“You’re real, you’re real, you’re real.”

Xander chanted, as the tears flowed freely. Spike was starting to become increasingly worried about the man and pulled him up off the floor. He led him out to the kitchen and propped him on one of the kitchen stools before setting about to make coffee. When it was finished, he slid a heavily sweetened mug of it in front of Xander and waited for him to drink before asking what had happened.

“I can’t… I just, I can’t talk about it.”

“Yeah, been hearing that a lot lately, Xander. You don’t talk to your friends, you don’t talk to me; you need to talk to someone, luv. You’re fallin’ to pieces here, Xan and it’s worrying me.”

Spike snorted in disgust.

“You hear that? You got me, the Big Bad, worrying about your sorry arse. Come on, Xander, out with it. What the hell’s going on with you?”

Xander drank some more of his coffee and then looked at the vampire who was leaning casually against the counter. He looked the very picture of disinterest, unless you knew him, and Xander did know him - intimately.

“I, it’s a long story, Spike.”

“That’s the beauty of immortality, pet. I have the time.”

“It started with the curse and what happened to me during that time.”

Xander began his tale starting with the morning he woke up in an empty apartment. Spike knew the basics, having read the boy’s journal, but wanted to hear Xander tell it. It took awhile to tell, and Xander had stopped a few times in the telling, once to call off work for the day, and a couple other times just to gather strength before telling about a particularly horrid event. By the end of it, Xander was shaking and crying and being held by a very confused vampire.

Part 10

Spike sat at the bar and drank his beer in silence. He was trying to figure out what to do about his conflicting emotions. After hearing what had happened to Xander, all of it, including his visit that morning by something pretending to be his mate, he had held the man in his arms as he wept.

His demon felt the need to soothe him, and the man in him agreed wholeheartedly. Xander had been more than kind to him since his return and he wanted to repay him. But he was beginning to feel things for him that he had no business feeling. He loved Buffy. He had gotten his soul for Buffy. Of course he knew that Xander didn’t want him; well okay, maybe he wanted him but he didn’t love him. He was grieving for his lover - his mate - and was trying to find a way to bring him back. At least that had given him the chance to tell him about Darla. He expected Angel would be getting a phone call sometime soon.

A pretty blonde girl slid onto the stool next to him and set a package of cigarettes on the bar in front of him. He nodded to her and she smiled. They started talking, small talk - decent band tonight, that sort of thing. All the while Spike was wondering if Xander was all right. He had convinced him to take a sleeping pill and make an early night of it before leaving the apartment. He needed time and space to put his head on right.

Buffy would be out there right now somewhere in one of the many cemeteries this quaint little town had. She’d be patrolling, fighting for her life possibly, and he should be there with her, protecting her. He stood to go; the girl stood as well. He offered to walk her home and she accepted.

He didn’t remember much after that. He had woken up at home in his bed. He felt unusually well. Full, and his demon was sated. He got up and wandered across the hall to check on Xander. He quietly pushed the door open and peered inside.

Xander was sleeping peacefully. He was glad for that; after hearing what he had been through and about the visit from the evil that had pretended to his lover, he wondered if the man would sleep at all. That was the reasoning behind the sedative.

Spike closed the door and went out to the living room. It was just a few hours before dawn and he knew from experience that there would be nothing but infomercials and repeats of Gilligan’s Island on the television. So, he dug a book out of the couch cushions where he had stashed it a few nights ago and sat down to read.

Xander was dreaming

It was bright outside; he was lying on the beach watching the waves. He closed his eyes and let the heat of the sun and the sound of the waves crashing on the sand soothe him. He had always loved the ocean and wondered why he didn’t take the time to go there more often. He felt a cool hand slide across his chest and smiled as soft lips caressed his cheek.

“I miss you.”

“I’m always here, love; told you I’d never leave you.”

“But you did. You’re not here anymore.”

“Sure I am. Can’t you feel me?”

Spike continued to pet Xander; he ran his fingers lightly over his arms and shoulders before kissing his neck - directly over his mark. Xander shuddered and pressed into his lover with a sigh.

“Right now I can, and it’s wonderful, but I can only feel you when I sleep. I want more.”

“I know, love, but this is all we have right now. Besides, you can still feel me - in here.”

Spike tapped Xander’s chest right over his heart.

“Just like I can feel you. You’re a part of me, remember? Just like I’m a part of you. My being dust doesn’t change that. Mine, forever mine.”

And then Spike kissed Xander softly.

“I have to go, love.”

“No, not yet! You just got here.”

“I know, but our time is short these days. There is something coming, love, something big. You need to wake up and go see your slayer friend.”

Xander clutched Spike to him with all the strength he possessed.

“Just a few more minutes, please, Spike. I miss you so much.”

“Okay love, okay.”

Spike pressed his lips to Xander’s and kissed him again. The sounds of the ocean faded out as the real world came crashing back with an annoying buzz.

Xander reached out and slapped ineffectually at his alarm clock. He could still feel the effects of his dream. The sound of Spike’s voice, the taste of his lips. He sighed and rolled over, grabbed his clock and turned off the alarm. He didn’t want to go to work today; he wanted to go back to sleep and dream of his mate. But he had taken yesterday off and if he wanted to keep his job, he had to go in today. Besides, he had to see Buffy as well. He would drop in on her at lunchtime and tell her about his visit yesterday.

The morning had crawled by. Every time Xander looked at the clock, he sighed. He didn’t want to talk to Buffy, but he knew he had to. He just didn’t know what to tell her. That he had been visited by something that looked like his dead lover? Not gonna happen, ‘cause hello? No one knew about his Spike, or anything else that had happened while he’d been gone. So what then? Tell her he had been visited by a dead person who said the end of the world was coming? Yeah, that’d go over well.

“Fuck it. I’ll think of something when I get there.”

Xander picked up the phone and dialed Sunnydale High. He waited to be connected with “Miss Summers’” office and smiled. Whoever thought Buffy would end up a guidance counselor? Not him, that was for sure. It made sense though, that the slayer’s day job would be directly over the hellmouth. Actually, it was a bit too much of a coincidence for his liking. Maybe he’d do a little poking around into the new Principal’s history. Make sure he wasn’t evil or anything.

“Hey, Buff. You doing anything for lunch? …Great. You want me to pick you up or meet there? …Okay, I’ll see you shortly.”

Xander grabbed his jacket and left the trailer, locking it behind him. He nodded and waved to various guys on the crew on his way to his car. He couldn’t help but chuckle at poor Rodney. Whatever he had used to wash with had dried his skin so badly it was red and blistered. He wondered if Jeremy hadn’t been right after all - he could see Rodney’s wife dousing him with bleach.

As Xander drove, his mind drifted back to earlier that morning. He had staggered out to the kitchen to set the coffeemaker before getting in the shower. On his way past the living room back to the bathroom he had noticed Spike asleep on the couch. He had a book resting open and face down on his chest, one arm over his eyes, the other dangling off the couch and resting on the floor. His legs were straight, feet crossed at the ankles and he was barefoot. Actually he was bare-chested as well, just wearing the light blue denims that Xander had bought him.

With the feelings the dream had brought on so close to the surface, he found himself subconsciously moving toward the sleeping vampire. Then his mind threw up the image of that thing that had impersonated his mate - telling him that he was dark, that he would use this beautiful creature in front of him to satisfy his own needs. That was just the bucket of cold water he needed. He had left the room rather quickly and jumped into the shower. Turning the water on cold. By the time he’d come out, Spike had gone to bed. Xander poured coffee into a travel mug, grabbed a couple of packages of blueberry muffins and left.

As he entered the parking lot for the high school, he took a couple of deep, fortifying breaths and tried to be calm. Buffy waved to him from across the lot and he slowed the car as she came toward him. He pulled to a stop and she opened the car door and climbed in.

“Wow. You look like I feel.”

Xander looked at her and grinned.

“Well if you feel like shit run over twice, I’d have to say you were dead on.”

Xander knew he looked washed out. The bags under his eyes had luggage of their own; he hadn’t bothered to shave, and he barely bothered to finger comb his hair after his shower.

“Xander. I need to ask you something. It’s about Spike.”

“Okay. What is it?”

“I talked to this vampire last night on patrol, he went to school with us - Holden Webster; ring any bells? Anyway, we fought for a while, then we talked - it was way weird - he was a psychology student or something before he died.”

“Wait. You were being head-shrunk by the evil undead?”

Xander shook his head and chuckled. Buffy laughed softly, as well.

“Only you, Buff.”

“Yeah, that’s what I was thinking too. Anyway, he helped me to realize a few things about myself, but that has nothing to do with what I need to ask you. Xander, he told me he was sired by Spike.”

There was a deathly quiet in the car while Xander absorbed that bit of information. Then Buffy dropped another bomb in his lap.

“That’s not all. You remember Cassie, that girl I was trying to help, the one who died? Well Willow had a close encounter of the scary kind with her last night. She tried to trick her into killing herself.”

“Wow, um…”

“There’s more. Dawn saw Mom. At least she said it was Mom, but it might have been whatever it was that Willow saw.”

“I saw someone, too. He told me it was the end of the world.”

Buffy looked at Xander long and hard.

“What else? I know there’s more to it than this, Xander. I can see it on your face. You have something-face.”

“He tried to convince me to die, as well. He was very convincing; up until that point, I believed he was really…”

“Who was it, Xander, who did you see?”

When Xander didn’t answer, Buffy got impatient.

“Xander! We don’t have time for this; what you saw - who you saw might be very important to figuring out what’s going on. The Cassie-thing said something about ‘from beneath you it devours’. I’ve been hearing that in my dreams lately; that and seeing girls die. We don’t have the luxury of secrets anymore. You are going to have to tell me.”

Xander pulled off to the side of the road and thumped his head on the steering wheel. Buffy was right, he had to tell her the truth, but he so didn’t want to. This was going to be bad. Very, very bad.

“It was Spike.”