Part 11

Instead of lunch, Xander and Buffy ended up sitting in his car while he told her everything. He told her about the curse, about the spell Willow had put on him in high school, the alternate version of Riley and what had happened to Spike. He told her about Spike, how they had fallen in love, how he had died. Buffy was shocked and saddened for her friend. She couldn’t imagine having to go through what Xander had been through. She also found herself a bit worried.

“Are you and Spike - this Spike - together?”

“No. It’s not like that. He loves you, Buffy. And even if he didn’t, he’s not the vampire I fell in love with. I do care about him, though; if he’s siring people, he isn’t aware of it. There’s no way he could hide something like that from me.”

“I believe you. But we can’t ignore this, Xander. We need to talk to him about this. Soon.”

“You’re right. I’ll pick you up after work and we’ll sit down with him, try to figure this out. Ah, Buff? About what I told you… that stays between us, okay? I’m not ready to deal with Willow yet; it’s too painful and I don’t want to end up doing something I’d regret later.”

“Okay. It stays between us, for now.”

“Oh, and Spike. He knows the whole thing.”

Xander was intrigued by the momentary flash of jealousy he saw in Buffy’s eyes. He wasn’t sure if it was because he had shared his story with Spike before her, or because it was obvious he and the vampire were close now.

Xander dropped Buffy back at the school and went back to work. He wasn’t looking forward to their talk with Spike tonight. As he unlocked his trailer and stepped inside, he was startled to see Anya sitting behind his desk.

“Anya? What are you doing here?”

“Lunch. I told you we’d have lunch when we talked a few days ago. Where were you?”

“Buffy. I was with Buffy, we were going to have lunch but something came up.”

“Good!”

Anya smiled and Xander watched curiously as she pulled a large picnic basket out from under the desk.

“If you didn’t have lunch with Buffy, then you’re hungry, right?”

“Starved. What did you bring?”

“Roast beef sandwiches, potato salad, lemonade and fudge brownies for dessert.”

Anya pulled out plates and began unwrapping sandwiches. Xander sat in the chair on the other side of the desk and watched her. He really was glad they were friends; he couldn’t imagine his life without Anya in it - even though she was a demon again.

“So, what was so important that you spent your lunch hour talking to Buffy and not eating?”

“There’s a possibility that Spike is siring vampires again. Buffy was talking to a vamp last night…”

“New boyfriend?”

“No. And can we not start on the Buffy-dating-the-dead issue right now? As I was saying, she talked to this vamp and he told her that Spike had sired him.”

“So he’s killing again? Didn’t see that one coming. And at some point, someone does need to address Buffy’s infatuation with dead guys.”

“Anya.”

“Alright, alright, I’m just saying, I know all about her and zombie-Xander.”

At Xander’s pointed look she changed the subject.

“Well, maybe you should search his room for clues.”

“Like what? Blood stains on his clothes? He’s a vampire; he drinks blood and he spills it all the time.”

“Well, trophies then. Killers like to keep trophies of their victims. Like teeth; maybe he has a necklace of his victims’ teeth.”

Xander swallowed as he remembered presenting his mate with a fine silver chain strung with Riley Finn’s teeth. He shuddered at the implications of his actions. Touched by darkness - yeah he could see that.

“Oh - sorry, Xander. I forgot.”

“That’s okay; I’m sure a tooth necklace rates pretty low on the things you’ve seen - or done for that matter.”

“Well, yeah. But for you, that’s a big thing. It was a good present though. If I were Spike, I would have appreciated it.”

“Thanks An, you always know just what to say to make me cringe.”

The smile he gave her softened the criticism, and she shrugged her shoulders and passed him a plate of food. They ate quietly for a few minutes and then Xander sighed.

“Anya? Have you heard anything about a new big bad coming this way? Something from beneath?”

“No. But my contacts in the demon community aren’t what they used to be. Being human has ruined my reputation. Nobody takes me seriously anymore; they all think I’ve gone soft. Not to mention that I helped you all with the killing and the world save-age. I have a Fyarl demon stalking me ‘cause he thinks I killed its cousin. I mean, really, do I look like someone who would get anywhere near a Fyarl demon?”

“Nope. You look too smart for that.”

“Exactly.”

After lunch, Anya disappeared - literally - and Xander got back to work. His mind wasn’t on his job though, and it showed. He had messed up the weekend reports as well as the work detail. He knew he would end up taking it home and working on it there, after the confrontation with Spike, that is. He really wasn’t looking forward to it.

By the time his day was finished, he was beyond tired. The last two days were beyond stressful and he seriously just wanted to go home, have a hot shower, a cold beer, and fall into bed and stay there all weekend. Thank God it was Friday.

Buffy didn’t look any happier about their task than Xander did; they barely talked on the way to his place, both of them pondering the outcome of the talk they were going to have to have with the vampire. There was one thing Xander had to make perfectly clear to Buffy though, before he let her in his apartment.

“Buffy? Before we go in I have to warn you; no matter what, I won’t let you dust him.”

Buffy turned and looked at Xander appraisingly. She now knew he was practicing magic and had power - although he had admitted he wasn’t very good at controlling it yet - but she also knew he wouldn’t use it on her. She hoped it wouldn’t even be an issue. She didn’t want to dust Spike either, not unless she absolutely had to. She owed him too much.

“Xander, I don’t think it’ll come to that.”

“I hope not, ’cause I really don’t want to blow my apartment up.”

Xander shook his head and then they both got out of the car. They walked in silence into the building and waited for the elevator. They rode up to Xander’s floor without even looking at each other. By the time they reached Xander’s door, Buffy was chewing on her fingernail in a nervous gesture. It reminded Xander of the girl she had been when they first met. He smiled at her and pulled her into his arms.

“Hey, it’ll be okay. We’ll figure this out.”

“I know. It’s just…”

“I know. You don’t have to explain to me, Buffy.”

Xander chuckled as an insane thought popped into his head. Buffy tilted her head and looked at him like he was crazy.

“Sorry. Funny thoughts.”

“Well, I could use some funny. Share?”

“You probably won’t see the funny.”

“Xander.”

“Alright. I was just thinking that we now have something to bond over. We’ve both slept with the male half of the Scourge of Europe. How many people can claim that and live to tell the tale?”

“Oh God. That’s right! You… you and Angel, I forgot. Oh, you have to let me be there if you ever tell him. Promise me that and I’ll give you anything! Even Mr. Gordo!”

“Deal. But you can keep the pig.”

The pair stood for a few minutes longer just holding onto one another in the hallway outside Xander’s door. Xander smiled and kissed Buffy’s head. This was what he had wanted to come home for, this closeness. He was glad he had opened up to Buffy and told her everything. He had missed her.

The door opened and Spike looked at the two humans with their arms wrapped around each other. He was instantly insanely jealous. Only problem was, he wasn’t sure of which one. He looked at Buffy and his inner voice cried out ‘love her’ then he looked at Xander and the demon raged. One word coming to mind, ‘MINE’. He was torn. The demon loved Buffy, but Xander was his. He wore his mark, his claim. He had no right touching another, especially someone that Spike was in love with.

“Well, well. Isn’t this cozy.”

Xander and Buffy both jumped and turned to look at the glowering vampire in the doorway. They hadn’t been doing anything wrong; they were friends, and friends hugged.

Xander realized he was feeling guilty and rolled his eyes. He had no reason to; he could hug Buffy if he wanted to, and he didn’t have to answer to Spike, anyway. He wasn’t his Spike. If anything, the vamp was Buffy’s - if she’d just make up her mind one way or the other.

“Hey, Spike. We should go inside. We need to talk.”

Part 12

Xander closed the door behind him and took a good look at the vampire in front of him. Spike was rigid; jaw clenched and muscles coiled in readiness for a fight. He wondered what had upset him so much, and then he realized that he was probably jealous about him hugging Buffy. He shook his head sadly. If those two would just open their eyes and see what was right in front of them… well he would be a little hurt by it but it would be okay.

“Spike, we need to talk to you.”

Xander tried to keep the nervousness out of his voice when he spoke.

“There was this vamp that Buffy was fighting last night…”

“He said you sired him.”

Xander rolled his eyes at Buffy in exasperation.

“Way to soften the blow there, Buff.”

“We don’t have time for soft, Xan. If he’s siring vamps, I need to know.”

Spike looked at her with curiosity.

“Siring? Er, you do realize I have a chip in my bleedin’ skull, don’t you?”

Spike turned and walked a few steps before turning back and addressing her again.

“And besides that, even if I didn’t, I have a soul now. Or did you forget that? ’Cause I sure as hell haven’t. Why would I want to make more vampires? This town is already chock full of ’em. If I had any use for minions, I could just round a few up and beat them into subservience. Your informant was barmy.”

Buffy looked like she wanted to believe him; Xander did too. But there had been no real reason for Holden to lie to her. Other than the fact that he was an evil vampire now. But he didn’t even know that she knew Spike, so she had to assume he was telling the truth. Which meant that Spike was either a very good actor - which she doubted - or he wasn’t aware of doing it.

“Have you been dreaming about killing?”

Spike raised en eyebrow at her sardonically.

“Well, duh. As you lot would say. I have nightmares, yeah. Reliving past sins and that rot, all part of the soul-having experience, innit?”

“No…”

Buffy shook her head.

“…not reliving past kills, but new ones, current ones.”

Xander watched with rising dread as Spike’s brow wrinkled with tension. His shoulders slumped in defeat and he walked away from them. He stepped onto the balcony and lit a cigarette. Buffy and Xander stepped outside with him and waited for him to talk. After a few drags, Spike looked up and locked eyes with Xander.

“I’ve been blacking out. Losing track of time every now and again. I went out the other night, was talking to this bird at The Bronze, cute little blonde thing. I walked her home, think I did anyway - don’t really remember much. I woke up here though, in my bed. I think… I think I dreamed about a house. A basement. There were… Oh God. Oh Xander, tell me I didn’t!”

Xander stepped toward Spike and laid his hand gently on the man’s shoulder. He gave it a reassuring squeeze and Spike lowered his eyes in defeat.

“What is it, Spike? What do you remember?”

“I killed her, turned her. My God, how could I forget something like that? How could I do something like that?”

Buffy felt like a voyeur. She was witnessing an obviously private moment as Xander wrapped his arms around Spike and tried to comfort him. She wondered if there was more between them then simple friendship. She had never seen Spike so open with anyone - not even her, though she supposed she hadn’t exactly given him a reason to be.

“It’ll be okay, Spike. We’ll figure this out. I promise. Do you remember where this house is?”

“Yeah. We gotta go, Xan. They’ll be rising soon.”

“They? There’s more than one?”

“Yes, I don’t know how I could have… the chip, my soul. Xander, how’d this happen?”

Buffy cleared her throat and when the two men remembered she was there they broke apart and turned toward her. Spike couldn’t bring himself to meet her eyes; he was ashamed by his behavior. How could she ever love him when he was still just an animal? Even with a soul and a chip he was killing.

“We can figure the how of it later; right now we need to clean up the mess.”

The three armed themselves with stakes and Buffy and Xander followed Spike as he led them to the house and down into the basement. Things were okay at first; as the vampires rose, Buffy began to slay. It was fine until all of a sudden Spike snarled and flew into a rage at Xander.

For one brief minute, Xander thought he was going to die. Spike had him in his grip, his head tilted to the side and his teeth on his throat. Then he just… stopped. He snarled and held Xander in a bruising grip but he didn’t bite. Xander was glad he had told Spike about his mate, about the claim. It meant he no longer needed to use the masking spell. Right about now he had no doubt that it had just saved his life.

Buffy was surrounded by vampires. They were strong; being sired by a master gave them an edge over the average fledgling she was used to facing. She saw Spike attack Xander but was helpless to prevent it. She continued to fight her attackers and hoped that Xander could hold Spike off until she could get to him.

Xander felt Spike stiffen as he began snuffling into his exposed neck. He gently petted the back of the vampire’s head as his cold tongue snaked out and laved over the tiny claim scar.

“Spike. Spike, it’s me, Xander. You don’t want to hurt me, remember?”

The vampire trembled and loosened his tight grip. Xander relaxed a bit and put his arms around Spike. He felt the vampire sag into his embrace as he continued to lick the mark. Xander had to fight with himself very hard not to allow this to arouse him. He saw that Buffy had dusted the last vampire and was watching them curiously.

“Xander?”

“Yeah, Spike. It’s me.”

Spike jumped back, a look of horror on his face.

“I almost killed you!”

“But you didn’t.”

“Only ’cause I sensed my claim. His claim.”

Spike scrambled away from Xander and sank to his knees. Buffy stepped toward Xander but then stopped and went to Spike instead. She crouched down in front of him, and when he looked up at her she gasped at the tears that were running freely down his face.

“Make it quick, eh, love? No pain?”

“What are you talking about?”

“He said you’d do it; have to now - I’m a killer, aren’t I?”

Buffy looked back at Xander in confusion and then turned to Spike again.

“Who, Spike? Who said I’d do it?”

“Me. He was here; he said I failed, that you’d kill me now. He was talking… singing. There was a song.”

“What song? Spike, what are you talking about?”

Buffy touched his shoulder and he wrenched away from her. He turned and looked at the far corner, at something the others couldn’t see.

“Make it stop! I did what you wanted; make it stop! I don’t want this, don’t want to remember. Make me forget.”

Spike hung his head and cried in shame and defeat. Buffy looked at Xander, determination clearly visible on her face.

“There’s something here. Something is playing with us, all of us.”

“What is it, Buffy? And why is it doing this to Spike?”

“I don’t know, Xander, but we have to help him.”

Spike turned his tear-streaked face to look at the two of them.

“Will you? Will you help me?”

Buffy stepped closer to him and reached out her hand. Spike grasped it and she helped him to his feet.

“I will. We both will.”

She looked at Xander who nodded his assent. The three of them turned to leave when Xander noticed a hand sticking up from the dirt floor of the basement.

“Uh, Buff?”

He pointed out the struggling vamp who couldn’t seem to dig its way out of the shallow grave. Buffy walked over, pulled the elderly-lady vampire from the dirt and shrugged her shoulders.

“Sorry ma’am, it’s my job.”

Then she staked her and walked back to Xander who had wrapped an around Spike and was leading him up the stairs.

Part 13

Xander walked into his apartment and sighed. It had been one hell of a night. After they had left the basement of that house, they had gone back to Buffy’s place. She explained what had happened to Willow and Dawn and then announced that she thought it would be best if Spike stayed there - chained to a wall in the basement.

Xander had freaked. Told her that it was out of the question, that Spike wasn’t some fucking animal to be put on a leash. She pointed out that Spike had attacked him, that he could have killed him. Xander argued that he hadn’t, that he had stopped himself, but Buffy had only shook her head sadly and asked if he would be able to do that with any one else. Xander didn’t have an answer for that. He knew it was the claim that had stopped Spike from hurting him, and that none of the others had that protection. Then Spike himself had sided with Buffy and told him that he was better off restrained where he couldn’t hurt anyone.

Xander had to admit defeat. He set up the cot and drilled the holes to attach the metal rings into the wall. Then he carefully chained Spike’s wrists and ankles before asking if he wanted anything from home. Spike declined the offer but tried to crack a joke about Xander owing him for the lesson in how to properly restrain a vampire. It was a good effort, but neither man felt in the mood for jokes.

Xander hadn’t stayed long after that. He just wanted to go home, shower and fall into bed with a bottle of Jack and his diary. He had a lot of things to work through and desperately needed the clarity his journal provided.

After a short, lukewarm shower, Xander grabbed a bottle from the liquor cabinet and adjourned to his room. He set the booze on his night table and reached inside the drawer for his journal. He brought out Spike’s instead.

For several long moments he just held it in his hand and stared at it. He was suddenly desperate to read it, to see his lover’s handwriting, to read his words. He pulled out the Queen CD and put it in the player on low volume, opened the bottle of Jack and took a good swallow, and then sat back against the headboard. He opened the book and began to read.

When I made love to you - and that is what I did - it was because I wanted to, wanted you. I hope you know that it wasn’t just sex, that I wasn’t using you. I wouldn’t; not you - not ever. I’m not ready to let you take me, but it’s not because I don’t want you, it’s just that I’m afraid. Yeah, that’s right. The Big Bad is afraid. They hurt me, love. They hurt me so badly I don’t know if I’ll ever recover. I hope you can understand that, and that you’ll be patient.

Tears slid down his face as he read. He could hear Spike’s voice, as though he were sitting next to him, reading this to him. He reached over for the bottle and drew on it once again. He was glad it was Friday night and he could sleep in tomorrow because he was sure he was going to need it.

When he got to the entry Spike wrote about the reality where he was married to the Buffybot, he smiled, and then laughed out loud as Spike’s words came to life on the page.

Oh love, where do I start? We just got back from seeing the you and me of this reality. I gotta say, the idea of you married to a robot - a sex bot of all things - just bloody well kills me!

I can understand the why of it, I mean you - or rather the alterna-you - wanted to keep Dawn safe and in Sunnydale, but it’s completely fucking ludicrous, you gotta admit. How much of a wanker was I in this world? Building a shag toy? What, he wasn’t capable of getting a leg over with anything real - human or demon? And how in the hell did he afford it? I mean something like that has got to cost, eh? You’d think he’d put the money to better use - like getting the buggering chip out or something. A Buffybot. A slayer-shaped sex toy. Fuckin’ hell, how pathetic.

I can see it too, him and her - it - together. Probably had her programmed to do all sorts of stupid shit like pretend to stake him and then not follow through cause she “loves” him too much. Probably had her programmed to hate Angel, too. Wanker.

I asked him, the other me, if he and the other you ever messed around with the bot. You probably don’t want to hear it, but they do. Only occasionally though, when the girl is staying over at her friend’s place or something.

I can’t help but laugh. The very idea of you and me screwing a robot together, I mean why the hell would I want to stick my cock into that when I have you? Not to mention the possible fire hazards! Bloody hell, I’d be afraid the stupid thing would short out and crush my bits to pulp.

Could you see it? You, me, and a robot in bed, all sweaty and writhing. Things heat up a little too much and then there are sparks flying everywhere and the very combustible vampire has to hide under the bed while you put the bot out. Not on. I’ll stick with the real deal, ta muchly.

Can’t quite get over the way those two are with each other anyway, though. I mean, yeah, the spell was on Xander and all, but do you really think they’ll work out? They just don’t seem as committed as you and I. Well, Spike is. He’s in love all right, but your other self doesn’t get it. Hope he smartens up before he loses him. But enough of them, no point in wasting time on them when I could be spending time with you love. Love you, Xander.

The tears continued to flow steadily down Xander’s cheeks as he drank and read. The track on the CD changed over to something soft and slow and he hummed along as he turned the pages, lost in his lover’s words. He had to stop and wipe his eyes as he looked at the page in front of him; it was the entry Spike wrote about the first time Xander had been inside him.

I watched you sleep this morning and I fell in love all over again. I even thought to myself about you being my very own sleeping beauty. Pathetic, I know, but that’s what you do to me, Xander; you make the little part of William that still lives on in me come to the surface. I want to be more than a monster for you; I want to be someone worthy of you.

When you woke for me, when you heard that I needed you and instantly woke up… God. I can’t tell you how it feels to know that you will always be there to make it better for me.

The way you felt as I slowly sank onto your cock was amazing. It was nothing like I thought it would be. I admit I was afraid, I never wanted to associate you with the bastards that violated me. I was afraid it would bring back a lot of unpleasantness, a lot of pain that I’ve tried to forget. It didn’t. It felt wonderful, amazing, incredible. Making love to you is so very different from that. I should thank you for giving me back a part of myself that I’d thought was lost forever. You cleansed me, love. With your love, your body, your seed. You made me whole again.

The fact that you allow me total control of how fast and how far things go between us proves to me that you love me, that you mean it when you say you’ll never hurt me. The look in your eyes… My God, Xander. What did a demon like me ever do to deserve a man like you? I have hunted and killed for over a century, love. There are those that would feel everything that Finn and his goons did to me was justified. How is it that you look at me and him and see him as the monster? Sometimes I wonder if I’m not dreaming. If I am, I never want to wake up.

By the time he got to the last page, Xander was very drunk. The bottle was nearly three-quarters empty and the CD player had turned off some time ago. He took a deep steadying breath and looked at the last words his lover had ever written.

I don’t know what we’re going to face tomorrow when we go looking for the Master, but I do know that with you by my side, I can face anything.

Xander wiped his eyes on the back of his hand and clutched the bottle to his chest. He couldn’t help the choked off sobs that were wracking his body. He thought he was ready for this, that it would bring him closer to Spike, if only for a little while. It did - it had - but the price he had to pay was a high one. He felt his heart breaking at each word he read; each letter on the page was another rip in the fabric of his very soul. He missed his mate desperately, and now he was all alone; not even Spike was here to keep him company.

With shaky hands, Xander set down both the book and the bottle. He curled up into a ball on his side and cried himself to sleep. He only hoped he would dream of Spike, that his mate would hold him again and make every thing better.

Part 14

Xander woke up with the mother of all hangovers. He dragged himself into the shower and sat on the tub floor while the water cascaded over his limp form. He would have stood up if he had had the strength. He barely managed to wash himself and crawl out onto the floor. He must have fallen asleep because he woke sometime later, naked, shivering and sore all over.

Calling himself a fool, he slowly stood and made his way back to his room. He looked at the mostly empty bottle of Jack on his nightstand and felt his stomach roll. Then he looked at the book - his mate’s journal - and the memories of the night before washed over him. He ran back to the bathroom and threw up.

After brushing his teeth and getting dressed, Xander put Spike’s book back in the drawer and headed out to the kitchen. He brewed a pot of extra-strong coffee and then set to work fixing the week-end reports that he had screwed up the day before.

It was almost dark when he left for Buffy’s place - having put off the trip as long as he thought he could get away with. He wasn’t sure why he was avoiding going there. He felt a bit upset over Spike’s choosing to remain there, chained like an animal, over coming home with him but that wasn’t reason enough to avoid going there.

Xander let himself in and headed for the basement. He heard voices and stopped to listen.

“Buffy, you have to kill me.”

“You don’t understand. When I left the room earlier, I heard you talking to someone…”

“Do you have any idea what I’m capable of?”

“I was in the cellar with you. I saw what you did.”

“I’m not talking about the cellar. The people in the cellar got off easy. I’m talking about me. Buffy, you have never met the real me.”

“Believe me, I’m well aware of what you’re capable of.”

“No, you got off easy, too. Do you know how much blood you can drink from a girl before she’ll die? I do. You see, the trick is to drink only enough - to know how to damage them just enough - so that they’ll still cry when you… ’cause it’s not worth it if they don’t cry.”

“It’s not your fault. You’re not the one doing this.”

“I already did it. It’s already done. You wanna know what I’ve done to girls Dawn’s age? This is me, Buffy. You’ve got to kill me before I get out.”

“We can keep you locked up. Keep you here and we’ll figure it out.”

“Have you ever really asked yourself why you can’t do it? Off me? After everything I’ve done to you, to people around you. It’s not love. We both know that.”

“You fought by my side. You’ve saved lives. You’ve helped…”

“Don’t do that. Don’t rationalize this into some noble act. We both know the truth of it. You like men who hurt you.”

Xander had heard enough. He turned back toward the stairs and quietly walked away. Whatever was going on between Buffy and Spike, it was for them to work out. He wasn’t going to get involved this time; he’d just hang back and be supportive of both of them - no matter what decision they came to.

Xander was startled by the appearance of Anya as she materialized right in front of him. He got over his shock enough to smile at her and she shook her head at him.

“They’re coming. Get Buffy now!”

Before Xander had a chance to react, the window was smashed and the front door broke open. Figures in long, black hooded robes carrying sharp knives rushed into the house. Xander and Anya fought off their attackers as Willow and Dawn did the same. The robed figures continued to pour in through the doors and windows; some heading upstairs to the upper level of the house where Tara was last seen.

Buffy came up from the basement and saw that everyone was holding their own; Willow yelled out to her that Tara was upstairs alone and Buffy took the stairs two at a time. She got up in time to stop one of the attackers from stabbing Tara. She pulled off its hood and looked at its mutilated face - where eyes should have been, there were only scarred symbols.

“Bringers.”

Buffy whispered horrified as the creature lunged past her and escaped out the upstairs hallway window. She helped Tara to her feet and escorted her back downstairs. Willow ran to her girlfriend and took her in her arms. Buffy looked around for Dawn.

“Dawn?”

“She’s okay.”

Xander pointed to the corner where Dawn sat on the floor holding her arm against her chest.

“Are you okay?”

“It’s just a scratch. I’m fine.”

Buffy nodded and watched as Xander headed for the basement. In all the excitement, she had forgotten about Spike. She followed Xander down the stairs.

“Oh God.”

“They took him.”

“Why? Why would they take Spike?”

“I don’t know Buffy, but we’ll get him back.”

“How, Xander? We don’t even know where they are.”

“We know what they are, that’s enough to start with.”

Xander held Buffy while she cried into his chest. He could feel the rage building up inside himself; he would not lose Spike, not again. He needed to get out, to blow off some steam, to find the bastards that had taken Spike and make them pay.

Part 15

While Xander stalked the streets of Sunnydale, the others tried to find any information on the “First” that they could. It wasn’t going at all well. There was nothing written on the First, at least nothing that they could find. Buffy went off to try and call Giles; if anyone knew where to look, it would be him.

Xander was surprised to see the streets empty of demons. It wasn’t normal for a Saturday night on the hellmouth; it was usually crawling with supernatural activity. He really wanted to kill something - after he beat it for information on where the Bringers were holed up. With nothing on the streets, Xander made his way to the Alibi Bar - Willy was always good for information.

The place was pretty full - various demons and quite a few vampires were scattered about the room. Xander walked directly to the bar and glared at the bartender.

“Willy.”

“Hey, kid. What you brings you to my humble establishment?”

“I need some information on the First.”

“The first what?”

Xander reached out with a lighting quick move and dragged the little man over the bar and right up to his face. He stared directly into his eyes and saw the man’s face pale as his eyes darkened with power.

“Don’t play me. I want to know where the First is hiding out - where those robed freaks took Spike. And Willy? I want to know this five minutes ago.”

Willy swallowed and nodded his head. Xander let him go and he ran a hand back through his greasy, unkempt hair.

“Geez, I thought you were the token normal guy. Do all the slayer’s friends have superpowers?”

“Willy, I’m getting angry. You won’t like me when I’m angry.”

Several of the bar’s patrons quietly made their way toward the door hoping to slip out before the crazy human did anything… well, crazy. A couple of them almost made it before Xander noticed. He turned away from Willy and looked at the door. With a grin and a wave of his hand, the doorway became a solid brick wall.

“No one leaves until I find out where Spike is.”

A Fyarl demon who thought he was tougher than brick tried his luck at ramming through the wall. It didn’t get him anything other than a headache. Xander tsked at him and then remembered his conversation with Anya.

“You wouldn’t happen to be the same Fyarl demon that’s been stalking Anyanka, would you?”

At the demon’s growled reply that she killed its cousin, Xander grinned and turned it into a kitten. Knowing full well what most of these demons did with kittens, he was prepared for the frightened reactions of the bar’s patrons.

“Now, anyone want to tell me where Spike is, or do I leave Willy here with one large litterbox instead of a bar?”

A young girl - vampire if Xander guessed correctly - stepped out from behind a group of Kaliff demons and approached Xander warily. She looked up at him from beneath her eyelashes and Xander smiled at her. She couldn’t have been any older than Dawn when she was turned.

“You’re good, honey. If I didn’t know what you really are, I would fallen for that little innocent act of yours.”

“Really? Thanks, I’ve been working on it.”

“You just flirting here or do you know something?”

“What’s it worth to you?”

“What do you want?”

“I want to walk out of here - as I am; no fur, no tail, no… soul.”

“Done.”

“Those robed freaks? I saw them go into the high school. They had a vamp with them - could be the one you’re looking for.”

“Bleached blond, blue eyes, sexy as sin?”

“That’s the one. I can see why you’d want him back.”

Xander just smiled and nodded his head in thanks to her. He looked over the rest of the bar’s clientele.

“Anyone want to share with the group? Anyone at all?”

When no one made any move to speak or step forward, Xander sighed and shook his head.

“That’s really too bad.”

Willy saw Xander’s eyes darken and ducked behind the bar. There was a tremendous burst of power throughout the room and when Willy finally got up the courage to peek over the counter all he saw was Xander and the female vampire. He stood up straight and looked again. Kittens. Everywhere he looked were kittens.

“What’s your name, honey?”

Xander addressed the vampiress who was staring in awe at the room full of furry animals.

“Kailey, sir.”

“Kailey, I’m going to give you some advice. Get out of Sunnydale, and don’t look back. You won’t get a second chance; if I see you again, well, I hope you like mice.”

Xander waved his hand at the brick wall and it turned back into a door. The vampire wasted no time in using it. Xander turned back to the flummoxed bartender.

“Look on the bright side. You can always sell them to the pet store and make a few bucks.”

Xander turned on his heel and left. He stopped outside and pulled out his cell phone and dialed Buffy’s house.

“Hey Buff. I got some information on Spike and the Bringers. Can you come pick me up? I’m at Willy’s. Take my car; Anya has a spare set of keys. Oh and tell her I took care of her Fyarl problem.”

Xander hung up the phone and slumped against the wall. He was exhausted. He had never used that much power for anything - he wasn’t even sure how he had done all that. All he had to do was think about what he wanted and then… do it. It was very cool, yet scary at the same time. He hoped he never let his temper get the better of him; he could really hurt someone.

Part 16

Buffy came, but she wasn’t alone. Willow, Tara, Dawn and Anya were all with her. Xander sighed and opened the driver’s door and Buffy scooted into the middle between him and Anya.

“They insisted on coming with.”

“No big.”

“So, where to?”

“Where do you think? Back to the hellmouth, source of the big evil. Some vamp said she saw a bunch of robed guys dragging Spike in there earlier.”

Willow popped her head in between Xander and Buffy.

“And you believed her? ’Cause I’m thinking, you know, vamps not so big with the honesty.”

“There’s a lot of that going around.”

Buffy put her hand on Xander’s thigh and squeezed it in support. He sighed and ran his hand through his hair.

“I’m sorry, I’m just a little frustrated. Yes I believe her; I have my reasons to, and can we just go and check this out without the second-guessing. Please?”

No one said anything else until they were at the school and standing in front of the blood-covered wheel that was positioned in front of a big bronze-looking thing in the floor.

“The Seal of Danthazar.”

“Huh? The seal of who?”

“Danthazar, Buffy. It’s bad. Very, very bad.”

Xander looked at his ex-fiancée and saw the way she was slowly backing away from the seal.

“What’s this thing do, An? I mean other than sit here and look evil.”

“It opens. And then bad things happen. If it’s been opened - and by the blood I’d say it has - then trouble is on its way.”

“Okay, that doesn’t tell me a whole lot, An.”

“I’m sorry, Xander. But that’s all I know. If I hear anything, I’ll let you know.”

Anya teleported out and Xander was left standing there looking down at the seal.

“Okay, people. What say we bury the satanic manhole cover and call it a night?”

Xander left the room and returned shortly with an assortment of shovels. Everyone grabbed one and got to work. Xander was silently going insane; he could smell Spike’s blood on the wheel and he was scared something horrible might have happened. By the time the seal was buried, everyone was tired and Xander drove them all back to Buffy’s house.

After Dawn went to bed and Willow and Tara were immersed in books researching the seal, Xander slipped out the back door and sat wearily on the step. Buffy joined him moments later.

“Hey, Xan. How you holding up?”

“Okay. Well, I could be better. You?”

“About the same. What happened at Willy’s? You look like you haven’t slept in days.”

“Just a bit worn out. I kinda turned a bar full of demons into kittens.”

Buffy gaped at Xander and then snorted in laughter. She tried to cover it with her hands but couldn’t hold it in. It was infectious and Xander soon found himself joining in despite the desperate situation they were all in.

“Oh, God. I’m so sorry, it’s just… Kittens? Cute, fuzzy, little kittens?”

“Yep, cute and fuzzy. Now imagine Willy having to clean up after all those kittens.”

Xander smiled and Buffy laughed again. Soon her laughter turned to sobs and Xander pulled her close and held her. He rocked her and made soft shushing noises while she pulled herself together.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t keep doing that. I need to be focused; strong.”

“Nothing wrong with leaning on a friend, Buff. It’s what makes you better than other slayers, your ability to trust others to be there for you. Besides, if anyone knows how you feel, it would be me.”

Xander looked at her seriously.

“How do you feel, Buffy? It might be none of my business but… Do you love him?”

“I… I don’t know. I care about him, Xander. But I don’t know if I love him.”

“That’s okay. You don’t have to make any decisions yet. But just so you know, it’s okay if you do.”

“Thank you.”

The pair sat in silence for awhile longer. Then Tara opened the back door and they looked up at her.

“I’m sorry to interrupt. Willow and I were thinking - maybe a locator spell would help? We could use it to try and find the First - I could try it.”

Buffy and Xander both stood. Buffy smiled at the shy witch and nodded her head.

“It couldn’t hurt, right?”

Xander groaned noiselessly. Leave it to Buffy to jinx the whole thing. He followed the two women back inside where Willow was sitting in front of her computer still researching the seal. He knew she had sworn off magic - only performing the one spell since his disappearance and that was a locator spell to find him. He was proud of her, even if he was still angry for her actions. Perhaps he could learn to forgive her in time - as long as she stayed away from the magic. He didn’t trust her when it came to spells - she abused her gifts.

While Tara set up the spell, Xander watched Willow. He could see her resolve not to participate, and it melted some of the ice that had formed around his heart. He still wasn’t ready to forgive and forget but this was as least a step in that direction. He was brought out of his musings by Tara’s screams.

Xander was shocked by what he saw. It had to be the First; there was no other explanation. Tara slumped to the floor crying, saying that she could still feel it - that the evil was inside of her now. Buffy and Willow both held her and assured her she would be okay. Xander shook his head ruefully. It wouldn’t be okay, not for any of them. This was way more than anything they had ever faced before.

“Hey, Buff? I’m gonna head home.”

“You sure? We could make up the sofa?”

“Nah. Thanks anyway. I got a few things I have to take care of at home.”

“Okay. Xander?”

“Yeah?”

“Be careful. Don’t do anything… stupid. Okay?”

“Okay. Nothing stupid.”

Xander drove home at breakneck speed and took the stairs up to his apartment. He knew there had to be a way to find Spike. They should have done the spell on him instead of the First, but after what had happened to Tara he couldn’t ask her to try again. No, he would do it himself this time. Then, he would get Buffy and they would rescue the vampire.

Part 17

Xander was back at Buffy’s house before daybreak. He knew where to find Spike, where he was being kept - but he wasn’t stupid enough to try and rescue the vampire by himself. A bar full of demons was one thing but the evil that all things evil were afraid of? Nuh uh, no way. He was smarter than that. Besides, he knew Buffy needed to be involved in this. Even if she wasn’t ready to admit it, she felt something for Spike. It was obvious she was jealous of the closeness that he shared with the vampire.

He was a bit surprised to find Buffy up and alert at this hour - it was no secret that the slayer was not a morning person. He had to assume that like him, she hadn’t bothered going to bed.

“Morning, Buffy.”

“Xander. Come in, did you…”

“Did I what? Do anything stupid? No. But I did do a locator spell on Spike. I know where he is.”

Buffy sagged in relief.

“Thank God. Alright, where is he?”

“I can show you.”

“Let’s go then.”

Buffy opened the door again only to step back in surprise.

“Giles.”

“Buffy.”

Buffy smiled and was about to reach out for her former watcher when she was elbowed aside by a strange teenage girl - followed by two others. Giles smiled somewhat sheepishly and shrugged his shoulders.

“Sorry to barge in. We have a slight apocalypse.”

Xander groaned and followed behind Buffy as she trailed Giles and the three girls into her living room. He just knew something like this would happen. He really wanted to just leave Giles and the new girls and drag Buffy off to find his vampire! Roommate! His vampire roommate! He was not feeling possessive of this Spike.

“I’ll go wake the girls.”

Xander sighed as he trudged upstairs to wake the other members of the estrogen brigade. How the hell Spike could stay in a house full of women - even if he was in the basement - was beyond Xander. He loved them all dearly but he did not want to cohabitate with them.

He knocked on Dawn’s door and grinned when she sleepily muttered ‘bugger off’ at him. He just knew she had picked that up from Spike. He knocked again and then covered his eyes before opening the door - he didn’t want to see Dawn in any state of undress; she was like a little sister to him.

“Xander!”

“Ah, the high-pitched shriek of a startled female. I’ve missed that sound.”

Xander grinned goofily and continued to hold his hand over his eyes.

“You decent, Dawnie?”

“Nope. I’m completely naked here. Wanna see?”

Xander opened his mouth to reply but only managed to squeak as he brought his other hand up to cover the first one - just in case his fingers moved of their own volition.

“Relax, Xander; I’m kidding. Although, I think I’m insulted. What’s so horrible about the thought of me naked?”

Xander could feel himself blushing and wished that Dawn hadn’t spent so much time around Spike. She was picking up very bad habits - embarrassing him being one of them.

“Oh. Uh, nothing. I - I mean, I’m sure you’re very… attractive. Just not for me to… see? I mean, you’re like my sister. I…”

Dawn burst out laughing and shook her head.

“God, Xander. You are too easy. Like I’d want to be naked in front of you. Gross. You’re like my big brother.”

“Okay, good. Now that that’s settled, I came up here for a reason. I’ll be damned if I can remember what it was now, though.”

“Hmm, the idea of me being naked just made you lose all thought, did it?”

Xander was about to stammer out a denial but then saw the smirk on the girl’s face. He shook his head and chuckled at her.

“You’re evil. You know that?”

Dawn smiled at him.

“You say that like it’s a bad thing?”

“Get up, brat. We have company - Giles and a bunch of teenage girls are downstairs; something hellmouthy this way comes.”

Dawn groaned and flopped back down on the bed. Xander headed down the hall to Willow and Tara’s room to wake them, as well. Hopefully Giles wouldn’t take all day to tell them what was happening. He had a bad feeling about Spike and really wanted to get him away from the big evil thing that had him.

They were all assembled in the front room listening as Giles told them about the fate of the council. Xander was the only one not surprised by Anya’s sudden arrival; the new girls screamed and ran for cover. Anya rolled her eyes in annoyance and turned to Xander.

“Did you find anything?”

“Yeah, but we haven’t been able to do anything about it yet. Giles was just about to explain to us what happened in merry ole England.”

Giles took a deep breath and then continued speaking as though he hadn’t just been interrupted by the sudden appearance of a millennia old demoness.

“As I was saying, the council is gone.”

Willow interrupted by asking a question.

“So does that mean all their records are destroyed?”

Giles motioned to one of the girls and she opened a pack and took out a stack of files and a couple of books. She laid them out on the coffee table and then stepped back.

“That is what is left.”

Giles motioned to the table and then continued.

“The mystic secrets of the Watchers. And whatever I could find on the First. When I learned what was happening, I-I, um, I stole them.”

“And you blew the council up! See, this is what happens when you’re all stuffy and repressed. You overreact.”

Anya looked at Giles and shook her head pitifully at him. She just knew he had a personality buried somewhere under all that tweed. And after Xander telling her about how happy she had been with the Englishman in another reality, she often found herself wondering what he was really like - what the man - Rupert - was like, as opposed to the watcher - Giles.

“I most certainly did not! It must have been an agent of the First. Demons do that sort of thing; but you would know all about that, wouldn’t you, Anyanka?”

Xander interrupted before things turned ugly.

“Okay, G-man, so what do those files say about the First?”

“Very little. Only that it can change form. It ah, only appears in the guise of someone who has passed away.”

Willow looked sadly at Dawn and then whispered, “Our ghosts.”

Xander and Buffy exchanged a look, as well. They had both assumed it was the same entity that had been messing with all of them - now they knew for sure. Xander was furious. The nerve of that thing pretending to be his mate. He would see it destroyed if it was the last thing he did. Giles snapped him out of his thoughts when he continued speaking.

“It has eternities to act, endless resources. How to defeat it… I… I honestly I don’t know. But we have to find a way. If the slayer line is eliminated, then the hellmouth has no guardian. The balance is destroyed. I’m afraid it falls to you, Buffy. Sorry. I mean, we’ll do what we can, but you’re the only one who has the strength to protect these girls - and the world - against what’s coming.”

One of the newbies - Xander was pretty sure her name was Kennedy - stood up and looked at Giles as if he were crazy.

“And if this thing is the root of all evil, isn’t the hellmouth its number one vacation spot? I mean, don’t you think we should be hiding our asses on the other side of the globe?”

One of the other girls cried out in shock at her outburst, but Buffy was quick to step in.

“No. She’s not wrong. We need more muscle. We need to find Spike. Xander? You’re with me. The rest of you? Hit the books. I want everything you can find on the First.”

Xander grinned and followed Buffy out the door. He loved it when she got into full-on slayer mode. He was well aware he had issues with dominant women. Faith, Buffy, Cordelia, Anya - it was a good thing he was gay now.

Part 18

This is a fucking mess! Giles came back - potential slayers in tow - and informed us that the First - the newest and biggest evil we’ve faced to date - is trying to wipe out the slayer line. Add to that the fact that Spike has been abducted by said evil and we were unable to get to him because of a fucking Neanderthal vampire, and I’m far from being a happy Xander.

I led Buffy to the place where the spell said he’d be. She went down in this hole - apparently she’d been there before, years ago when Angel was the vampire with a soul that was being targeted by this thing. At least last time it didn’t have a fucking crazy-super-strong-ubervamp working for it.

It almost got Buffy. Fucking hell, how tough does that thing have to be if it almost got her? I mean yeah, Angelus came close - so did Spike a time or two - but that was before. That was when Buffy was still trying to be a normal girl. Now she accepts who and what she is - she is the slayer. She beat a hell God; she came back from the dead - twice. But this vamp? It kicked her ass.

To make matters worse? We lost one of the new girls. She panicked - ran out into the night. The damn Turok Han - aka ubervamp - got her. Then it went after Buffy again. I found her under a pile of rubble - she looked as dead as she did the night she fought Glory. Thank God it was just in appearance this time.

So now what? I won’t give up on getting Spike out of there. No way am I leaving him at that vamp’s mercy. I could smell his blood on that thing. It made me want to rip it to pieces.

Which brings me to my feelings for Spike - this Spike. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I still want my mate back, and I will find a way to bring him back, but I feel something for this Spike. Something more than just friendship - something base, primal, like on an instinctual level I feel connected to him. It has to be the bond - the claim I have with my Spike. The blood that this Spike spilled on the counter - the blood that I ingested without his knowing - must tie me to him in a way, as well.

I know he loves Buffy, but he feels something for me. Something that goes beyond friendship, beyond gratitude. He looks at me almost possessively at times. I have to wonder if he feels something from the claim my Spike made - or would he have to drink from me to feel it?

I tried to will Spike back - you know, the same way I turned a bar full of demons into kittens - but it didn’t work. Too bad too, ’cause if I could get it to work, I could use it to bring my Spike back, as well. Fuck, I miss him. I really wish he were here right now to hold me. I always felt safe in his arms. I haven’t felt safe since I lost him. Not completely anyway; there was that one night when the other souled Spike held me while I slept, but that wasn’t even close to how I feel when I’m with my Spike, my lover, my mate.

I need to call Angel. I should have done it awhile ago - after Spike told me about Darla being resurrected by some demonic lawyers in L.A. But, as usual, the hellmouth rears its ugly head and interferes with my life. The spell they used had drawbacks, though. Darla came back human. I don’t want a human Spike - I want my Spike, demon and all. But I’ll do what I have to do. Even if it means convincing Angel to turn him again.

He won’t be happy about it. I know he won’t; he refused to do it for Darla, so I doubt he’ll do it for Spike - or me, for that matter. I wonder if Angelus would be a better choice? I’m sure I can find a way to strip him of his soul if necessary - but I doubt I could trust Angelus to follow through on the turning. He’d probably just drain Spike and leave him for dead. Oh God. Or worse - he could claim sire’s right and take him as mate - taking him away from me. No, not going to risk that! Have to find another way - a way to bring him back as a vampire. Shit, this sucks!

Xander closed his eyes and sighed in frustration. This was getting him nowhere. He had hoped that if he wrote it down it would make more sense - that somehow the answer would just magically appear out of thin air. He stared at the blank page opposite of where he had written - willing it to fill with the answers he desperately needed. It didn’t.

“A bit much to expect it to be that simple. Blank pages will remain blank… Unless they’re in a spell book!”

Xander jumped up off his bed and ran to his closet. He pulled the book he had purchased from the strange Asian woman - demon - whatever, down and opened it.

He turned page after page; they were still blank. He was about to give up when he saw it. It was very faint, but it was there. He could see the words if he looked just hard enough. Xander concentrated and the words filled in before his eyes. It was a spell to banish a Turok Han.

“YES!”

Xander read and re-read the spell - committing it to memory in case the words faded once again. Once he was sure he wouldn’t forget a single thing, he closed the book - put it back where he had hidden it in the first place - and left for Buffy’s house. He would need some supplies and he would need Buffy to keep it distracted while he cast the banishment spell.

Buffy was wary about the spell, but having no other options at the time, agreed to Xander’s plan. She wanted him to discuss it with Willow and Tara first, but Xander refused. He explained that he just wasn’t ready for Willow to know about him and that even if he was, he just knew he had to do this on his own. The spell had appeared for him, after all, not Willow or Tara or anyone else.

So while Buffy fought the ubervamp, and the potentials - including a new girl who had shown up that morning - watched, Xander hid just out of sight and set up his spell. He had to wait until the vamp was in position before he could banish it. It was up to Buffy to get him there.

It was a hell of a fight. Xander was afraid - more than once - that Buffy would lose or that she wouldn’t be able to get the Turok Han into position. But finally, it happened. The whole thing flowed together seamlessly and Xander couldn’t help but think that maybe, just maybe someone up there was looking out for them all.

With the final words of the spell still ringing in his ears, Xander watched as the vampire disintegrated as though he had been staked. He knew that to everyone else it looked as though Buffy had gotten him. That was exactly what they wanted them to think, as well. He cleaned up his supplies as the others rushed out of their hiding places and ran to the battered slayer.

Buffy got to her feet and staggered toward Xander. They smiled at each other and then sent the girls back to the house with Tara and Willow. They had a vampire to rescue.

Spike opened his unswollen eye and glared at Buffy as she walked toward him. He knew it wasn’t her - that it was just that thing that liked to pretend it was her. Or Dru, or Angelus, or Glory, or any number of the thousands of people he had killed. But without its pet vampire, it was unable to hurt him. He waited for the verbal taunts, knowing that that was the worst it could do to him.

“Come to tell me I’m a bad dog? Won’t work any better than last time. I won’t join you. They will come for me.”

Buffy pulled a knife out of her sleeve to cut the leather straps that held him in place. Xander watched them from a few feet away. He wanted to give Buffy some privacy, just in case she decided to come to any decisions.

“Knives now, is it? You can’t hurt me; you’re not real. Just a figment of my bloody imagination.”

Buffy cut him free and he touched her face. He felt her skin and smiled.

“You came for me?”

“We both did.”

Buffy pointed to Xander who stepped out from the shadows.

“Xander.”

“Hey, Spike. Let’s go home.”

Spike nodded and let Buffy and Xander help him walk out of the underground cavern. He looked back and saw himself standing in the far part of the room. He knew it was not over yet, but he was too tired, too relieved that they didn’t abandon him, too hurt and weak to care right now. He just wanted to leave this place, to go home.

Part 19

By mutual agreement, Xander took Spike back to his place for the day. With the new girls and Giles all staying at the Casa de Summers, it made more sense for Spike to not be there. Xander was doing a little happy dance in his head at the thought of having Spike to himself again. Then he mentally slapped that thought right back out again.

As they entered the apartment, Xander pushed Spike toward the shower with a gentle nudge and then headed for the kitchen to warm up some blood for him. He wanted nothing more than to take the blond in his arms and hold him close. He knew that Spike must have been terrified by what he had been through, but he also new that he would never admit it, not even to him.

By the time Spike emerged from the bathroom, clean and looking better than he had when he’d gone in, Xander was waiting for him with a mug of warm blood in his hand.

“Drink up, plenty more where that came from. You probably haven’t eaten in awhile.”

“Thanks, luv. I’m bloody starved, plus I’m hurtin’ something fierce. Don’t know what the hell that thing was but it was stronger than it was ugly - an’ it was plenty ugly.”

Xander snorted.

“Turok Han. The Neanderthal of vampires. Or as we so affectionately named it - Ubervamp.”

“What happened to the bloody thing anyway?”

“Banished it. But as far as the others are concerned, Buffy slayed.”

“Got it. Still not ready to out yourself to the group, then?”

Xander choked and Spike laughed.

“I meant about the magic, pet. Not the sexual issues. Although, I doubt you have anything to worry about there either. The witches are together and Rupert and that wizard of his were more than friends back in the day. Slayer doesn’t seem to have a problem either.”

“I know, but if I bring that up then I have to bring up the spell, and I’m not ready for that yet.”

“Alright, fair enough. But don’t leave it too long; these things have a way of festering if you don’t deal with them.”

“I know.”

They spent several minutes in silence while Spike heated and consumed more blood and Xander watched him. Finally, Spike had drunk enough to feel his body start to heal and he looked over to see Xander watching him with concern.

“What’s up, Xan?”

“Nothing. I was just…”

Xander broke off. The emotions of the past few days were catching up to him. He could feel his eyes well up with tears - tears he hadn’t allowed himself to cry before. He was so scared that he was going to fail this Spike as well. That he would be too late to save him. He felt cool arms wrap around him and he let himself go, leaning into Spike and allowing the smaller man to support him as he wept.

Spike was relieved. This was a long time in coming. Xander had been so strong for so long he was afraid the man would never let himself grieve. He knew that his capture had only brought up painful memories for Xander of his mate’s capture and subsequent death.

“Shh, s’oky, luv. I’m fine. I never doubted that you’d come for me, not for a moment.”

Spike rubbed soothing circles on Xander’s back and then walked him toward his bedroom. He gently undressed the man and tucked him into bed.

“Sleep, luv. You’ll feel better for it.”

Spike turned to leave and Xander grasped his hand.

“Stay? Please, I… I don’t want to be alone.”

Spike studied Xander quizzically. He wasn’t sure what Xander was asking of him, and he wasn’t sure what the answer would be either. After a minute he gave up on trying to figure it out for himself and gingerly sat on the edge of the bed.

“What are you asking, Xander? I mean is this just about not being alone or are you looking for…”

“No, I just want to hold you while I sleep. Nothing else, I promise. I want… comfort, Spike. Don’t you want comfort?”

Spike thought it over for about all of thirty seconds before stripping down to t-shirt and boxers like Xander and climbing into bed beside him. He did want comfort; it was all he had wanted since he’d gotten the damn chip in his head. Now that he was souled, it was even worse.

“Comfort sounds… bloody comforting, mate. Yeah, could use some of that about now.”

Xander smiled softly and pulled Spike into his arms. He breathed in the familiar smell of the man in his arms and smiled. It was a bittersweet feeling - having this familiar and well-loved body in his arms again. He missed his mate, but that wasn’t what this was about. This was about gleaning comfort in the arms of a friend. Maybe more than a friend. He sighed and then leaned up on his elbow and looked at Spike.

“Are you okay? I mean really? I know you don’t believe me, but you don’t have to pretend with me. You can be yourself here, Spike. I promise you, I won’t think any less of you if aren’t the Big Bad all the time.”

Spike studied the serious expression on Xander’s face and then felt his resolve crumble. He knew Xander was serious, that he was offering him a place to just be himself, where he didn’t have to be “Spike” all the time; where he could be William or Spike, or as was most often, a combination of the two. He could relax and let down his guard. It was an attractive idea, but at the same time it scared the hell out of him.

“I don’t know if I can do that, luv. It sounds like an appealing offer, but I don’t know if I can let it go. I feel like I’ve been in a play for the last century or so. I’ve been playing this part so long I don’t remember how to stop. What if I switch it off and I can’t get it to come back? Buffy doesn’t need a sniveling poet right now; she needs a master vampire. She needs Spike’s strength, Spike’s viciousness, Spike’s cunning.”

“Are you sure about that? I mean, you got the soul for her; don’t you think she’d want to see it?”

Spike fell silent for a moment and then sighed.

“I don’t know. I mean, after what I did, it was the only thing I could think of to do that would show her how bloody awful I felt about it. I wanted to give her the man she deserved. William - I - was a pathetic mother’s boy with allusions of grandeur, but I knew how to love; I was a good man. I wanted Buffy to have a good man. She deserves that much, you know?”

Xander nodded and waited for Spike to continue.

“I’d like to be William for her. I can see that Spike still scares her, that she hasn’t forgotten what I did, what I almost did to her. She’s never going to love me, Xander. Not in the way I want her to. You know, I once told her and Angel that I was “love’s bitch”; I really and truly am. All I ever wanted was for someone to hold me in their arms and tell me they me they loved me and mean it.”

Spike closed his eyes before the tears that had welled up had a chance to spill over. He might be a souled poof now, but he was not going to cry like a chit. Xander pulled the cool body closer to him and placed a soft, chaste kiss against his pliant lips.

“I love you, Spike. And I’m not just saying that; I do. Not the same way I love my mate, but I do love you. You’re Spike. How can I not?”

Spike shuddered in Xander’s arms and felt the tears rolling freely down his cheeks. He didn’t even care that Xander could feel him shaking, that his tears were soaking into the man’s shirt. He was loved. Not by Buffy, but by Xander. Not as a lover, but as a friend - as a person. It wasn’t everything he had hoped for, but it was more than he had expected.

“Give Buffy time; she does care about you. Maybe in time she’ll come around. She won’t let herself love Spike because he’s a demon, but now that you’re William, as well… Give her time Spike; don’t give up hope.”

Spike nodded into Xander’s chest and allowed himself to relax into the warm embrace. His demon felt content lying in the arms of its mate - its claimed, and the soul felt at peace for the first time in longer than he could remember. He wasn’t alone in the world; he had a friend who loved him. He felt himself purring and for once didn’t care that it might make him look soft. Xander loved him, accepted him for who and what he was. He could be himself here.

Xander relaxed to the sound of a soft, rumbling purr coming from the man next to him. He had a dopey grin on his face as he drifted off to sleep.

Part 20

“Mmmm, the beach again?”

“You seem to like it here, and I’m not complaining about the sun, love.”

Xander smiled and leaned back into Spike’s chest. He tilted his head as he felt his mate nuzzle into his neck. His eyes closed and his lips parted slightly as a cool tongue washed over his claimant scar. He shuddered.

“Like that, love?”

“Love that. I always love it when you’re touching me.”

“Good, ’cause I like touching you. I miss touching you.”

“Me too, Spike. This is nice, though.”

“That it is, love.”

“How much time do we have?”

“Long enough.”

Xander smiled and turned in his lover’s embrace. He gently lowered Spike down and rose over him.

“You are so beautiful. God I love you.”

“Show me?”

Xander dipped his head and brushed his lips softly across the cool lips of his mate. He smiled as they parted in anticipation. He let the tip of his tongue out to trail along the full lower lip of his lover.

“Xander. Don’t tease, please, love.”

Xander lowered himself until he and Spike were touching from head to toe. Their lips fused together as they moved against one another. Xander groaned at the sensation of all that cool, silky skin against his own.

“I’ve missed this, missed you so much, Spike.”

“Me too, love, me too.”

They rolled until Spike was on top; he drew back and looked into Xander’s eyes, his own flashing amber with repressed desire.

“Mine.”

“Yours, always yours.”

Spike kissed Xander ferociously, his fangs coming down and nearly slicing the flesh of lips. Xander didn’t care; he only kissed back harder, spreading his thighs in invitation. He was thankful that he was always naked and ready in his dreams, no matter which way they played out.

Spike slid into Xander and swallowed his cries with his mouth. He kissed him, softly this time, as he started to move. Xander wrapped his arms around Spike’s shoulders and his legs around his waist. He hung on for all he was worth, wanting to savor the feeling - knowing that all too soon he would wake up and he would be alone again.

Both of them struggled to hold off their orgasms - not wanting this to be over so soon. It had been too long though, and they both cried out as they came, Spike burying his fangs deep into his mark on Xander’s throat. Xander bucked up and came again.

As they lay still connected, Xander petted Spike’s hair and felt him vibrating against his chest. He held him tighter, not ever wanting to let go. He thought that maybe if he held him tight enough, he could pull him out of his dreams and into the real world with him.

“Are you really here? I mean is this just a dream or are you real?”

“Don’t I feel real to you, love?”

“Yes. You do. Does that mean you are?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I’m the one dreaming; maybe you aren’t real.”

“I haven’t given up. I will find a way to bring you back. I promise you that.”

Xander felt his eyes tear up and then a cool thumb brushed the tears away as they fell.

“I know, but if you can’t…”

“I will.”

“But if you can’t, you have to promise me you won’t waste your life trying to save me from my fate. You have to live, love. You deserve to be happy, to be in love, to have someone real.”

“I only want you.”

“Yeah, well, m’not exactly one of a kind now am I? You could have him; he’s me. Sort of.”

“No.”

“Just think about it, Xan, okay? I’m not asking you to give up on me, not yet anyway. And hey, I am still with you in your dreams, love, and that’s better than not getting to be with you at all. I’ll take this over nothing any day.”

They fell quiet for a few moments, both just enjoying the feel of the other man in their arms. Eventually Xander broke the silence.

“I read your journal. I’m sorry, I just… I missed you so much and I wanted to feel close to you again.”

“S’okay, love. They’re just words; was going to show it you someday anyway. So, how bad were they?”

“How bad were what?”

“The poems, what else?”

“Poems? You wrote me poems?”

“In the back of the book. Guess you never looked there, huh? Should’a kept my bleedin’ mouth shut.”

“I didn’t look. I… I won’t if you don’t want me to.”

“Only words, Xander, nothing more. Never do you justice anyway.”

Xander kissed Spike and rolled them onto their sides; groaning as Spike’s softened penis slipped out of Xander’s hole. Xander traced over the scar in Spike’s eyebrow and then down one sculpted cheekbone. He cupped Spike’s face and brought their mouths together again. This kiss was full of feeling, full of love, sadness, pain, and a hint of desperation.

“I won’t give up, Spike. I need you.”

“Okay love, okay. We won’t talk any more about that for now. It’s time for you to wake up anyway.”

Xander tightened his hold on Spike and crushed him to his chest.

“No. Not yet, please, not yet.”

“It’s alright, Xan. I’ll be here waiting for you next time. I love you.”

“I love you too. God. Don’t leave me again.”

Xander woke with Spike crushed to his chest and tears in his eyes. He gasped and then opened his eyes, hoping beyond all hope that his mate was here in his bed, in his arms. He saw blond hair and tried very hard not to be disappointed. After all, it wasn’t Spike’s fault that he wasn’t the vampire Xander was hoping for.

Luckily, Spike was still asleep and didn’t see the tears in Xander’s eyes or the disappointment on his face. Not to mention the evidence of his dream that stuck to the inside of his boxers. Carefully, Xander climbed out of bed and stumbled across the hall to the bathroom.

Xander turned on the taps and stepped into the shower. He quickly washed away the evidence of his climax and then began his regular shower activities on auto-pilot. He couldn’t help wondering if he was going crazy, or if he was just so miserable that he was conjuring up visions of his mate in his dreams.

He squashed down the tiny flicker of hope that it was more than that. That somehow, he still had a connection to Spike and that he really was there, that he was in his dreams - not some figment of his imagination.

After stepping out of the shower, Xander dried his body and hair and then wrapped the towel around his waist and went to the sink. He got his razor and his shaving cream and was just about to make himself presentable when he noticed it.

His mark was bleeding.

He had been bitten.

It was fresh.

“Oh fuck!”