Part 31

Willow couldn’t believe what she had just heard. Xander had been gone for almost a year. He had had to fight for his life, had seen things that no one should have to see, and had no one to share it with. Well, not at first anyway. She was still a bit confused on the two Spikes issue, but it was her own role in the whole thing that really upset her. She had done this to her best friend.

“I didn’t mean to. Oh Goddess, Xander. I would never do that to you; you have to believe me.”

“I’d like to, Willow. I really would, but how do you explain it then? I was under a spell. You put it on me. You changed who I was. How do I get past that?”

“It… It wasn’t like that. Will you let me explain?”

“Sure. Explain to me how you didn’t mean to take away my choices, how denying who I am was suppose to help me.”

Willow couldn’t stop the tears that ran down her face. She had never seen Xander behave so indifferently toward her. It hurt. A lot. She remembered back to when it had happened and began speaking.

“It was just after Jesse died. I found out what happened, that you had staked him. Oh Xander, I felt so bad for you, having to go through that. I just wanted to help you. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.”

Xander motioned for her to continue, and Willow ducked her head before speaking again.

“I loved you. I think I always have. I saw the way it was hurting you, tearing you up inside and I only wanted to make the pain go away. So I did a spell. It was supposed to make you forget - purge the feelings of guilt and regret you had over Jesse. It was supposed to make it so that you would never feel guilt over Jesse again. I didn’t know that you were in love with him. That changes everything.”

Xander just continued to watch his best friend from childhood as she tried to make sense of what had happened. He was beginning to figure it out for himself as well. It didn’t make this any less painful, but it did make him feel a bit better about Willow. She had only been thinking about him, not herself, after all.

“I guess, the spell made it so that you would never fall in love with another guy, therefore you wouldn’t feel any guilt about being with him and betraying your memory of Jesse. Goddess, Xander. I only wanted to help you. I wanted to take your pain away, and all I’ve done is cause you more. I’m so sorry; I should never have done it. I was stupid and immature, and I’m a bad witch. I should never use magic again; I only end up hurting people.”

Willow began to cry and Xander gathered her in his arms. He couldn’t be mad at her anymore - well not a lot anyway. They were just kids then, and Willow had only been trying to help him.

“I understand now. But Wills, you can’t make decisions for people like that. It’s wrong to take a person’s pain away from them. I would have come to terms with Jesse’s death on my own. I know you learned your lesson after you and Tara broke up, and I’m proud of you for not doing magicks anymore. Well, other than today anyway, but that was an extenuating circumstance. You have to let people live their own lives; just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should. Look what happened to Buffy? Everything that has happened since she came back was because of us. If we had just accepted her death, her sacrifice, none of this would be happening. She’d be in heaven, Spike wouldn’t have gotten a soul just to try and win her love, and The First Evil wouldn’t be about to spring loose on the world.”

Willow nodded her head and sat up. She knew that Xander was right, that she had messed up big time. She had no way of making the past right, but she could do something to make things better between her and her best friend.

“Whatever happens, Xander, I’m on your side. If Spike makes you happy, then I’m all for it.”

“Thanks, Wills. But I’m not entirely sure what’s going on there. We… Our bonding was kind of an accident. It wasn’t supposed to happen, but now that it did, I kinda like it. I mean, he’s not my Spike… except that he is now, I guess, but not the one I fell in love with… except that I did. Damn it. This is hard to explain.”

Willow giggled slightly and patted Xander’s shoulder.

“I get it.”

“Okay. So he’s not the first one I loved, but he’s here now.”

Xander placed his hand over his heart and smiled at Willow.

“And I don’t want to change that. But I want the other one back, too. I need him. Does this make sense to you?”

“Yeah. If I lost Tara, and then found another Tara and fell in love with her - which I would, ’cause she’d be Tara, you know? I’d still always want the first one back as well. Just because you love someone new, it doesn’t mean you stop loving the first person.”

“Exactly.”

“So, how do we get your other Spike back?”

“No we, just me. I don’t want you involved in this. You and spells are not a good idea, especially one as powerful as this one would have to be.”

“I know that. I just meant I could help you look. I am research girl, you know.”

“Oh. In that case, thanks. I need to talk to Deadboy first, and the green guy said he might have an idea.”

“Okay. Should I go and get Angel?”

“Yeah, guess I should get that over with.”

Xander ran his hands back through his hair and sighed. He really didn’t want to have this conversation. He knew that Angel was only doing what he always did - sticking his nose in where it didn’t belong - but he really wished he didn’t have to deal with this right now.

Xander looked up and smiled grimly as Angel entered the office and closed the door behind him.

“Xander.”

“Angel.”

“You plan on explaining?”

“Which part? Spike, or the Gaelic?”

“Both. Start with Spike, I don’t think I’m ready to hear the explanation for the other. Not yet, anyway.”

Angel sat behind his desk and took a bottle of Irish whiskey and a couple of glasses from a cabinet behind him. He handed one of the glasses to Xander and poured them each a drink.

“Well, I suppose the first thing I should do is welcome you to the family.”

Xander blushed bright red and looked frantically at the door.

“Um, can we maybe skip that part? I mean, you’re kinda noisy, and they’re all right out there in the lobby…”

Xander trailed off as Angel blanched and set down the bottle. Xander realized with a start that that wasn’t the kind of welcome Angel was talking about.

“And you meant you were going to welcome me with a drink, didn’t you?”

“I guess I’m ready to hear about the other now.”

“Um, alright but I still think it would easier if I explain about Spike first.”

“Alright. As long as you explain.”

Xander started at the beginning. He told Angel about how he had woken up that first morning, confused and not sure of anything. How he had jumped around to different realities - including one where Acathla was in charge. When Angel asked why he hadn’t attempted to stake him, Xander blushed and told him that it was kinda hard to stake someone who you’d been intimate with. Angel refrained from asking questions after that and just let Xander continue with his tale.

Finally, Xander came to the end. He told him about what had been going since he’d been home - he left out the bit about Spike having a soul; that was his story to tell or not to tell. Then he told him he could make his soul permanent.

“You… How?”

“I got a spell from another me. He and the Angel of his world have been together since high school. He found it, and used it to anchor your double’s soul after Angelus was turned loose following their first time. It works. I can do it right now if you want.”

“I… You’re sure?”

“Uh huh. I wouldn’t suggest it otherwise. I’m the last guy who wants to see Angelus unleashed - I’m family now, and I know how he treats family.”

Angel nodded his consent and watched as Xander walked to the door.

“I just need my bag. I’ll be right back.”

Angel closed his eyes and smiled. If this worked, he could finally tell Cordelia that he loved her. He could finally be with her the way he wanted to be, the way he hoped she wanted him to be. Just the thought was almost enough to make his soul disappear.

Xander came back into the office and opened a worn out old gym bag and pulled out two books and set them on the desk. Then he started rummaging around in the bag again. Angel looked at the books and his eyes bugged out at the title on the larger book.

“My God. Xander, do you know what this is?”

“That? Yeah, it’s a spell book. I got it from some Chinese-looking demon lady.”

“Ming Chi?”

“I don’t know. She owns a bookstore on Wilkins Street.”

“Xander, this book… Have you used it?”

“Yeah.”

“You… You can read it?”

“Yeah. But only sometimes. I guess I’m not ready yet.”

“Holy shit. This book only reveals itself to true magic users. You have to be of both dark and light - balanced, or it remains blank. Even I can’t see the words and I’m a demon with a soul. How much more balance is there than that?”

Xander just shrugged and put the spell book back into his bag. He didn’t need it anyway; he was trying to get it out of the way so he could find the ceramic bowl and the lighter he had stuffed in there before leaving that morning.

“Aha! There it is.”

Xander pulled out the little black Bic lighter and set it on the desk next to the saran-wrapped ceramic bowl full of herbs and other less pleasant ingredients.

“You ready?”

“Yes. What do I have to do?”

“I’m going to light this…”

Xander pointed to the bowl.

“…And then I’m going to start the spell. When I point to you, I want you to let three drops of your blood fall into the flames. No more, no less. Got that?”

“Sure. Um, what happens if I screw up?”

“Don’t screw up.”

Angel swallowed and then took a deep, relaxing breath.

“Okay. Let’s do this.”

Part 32

The spell had been cast and Xander was cleaning up his supplies when he felt Angel come up behind him. He tensed as he realized the position this put them in. He was slightly bent over his duffel bag and Angel was standing close - too close - behind him. Xander stood quickly, but before he could move, Angel had his arms around him and was holding him in place. He could feel his lips brush against his ear before the vampire spoke.

“Now, about that welcome to the family.”

Xander swallowed hard. He wasn’t unaffected by Angel’s presence. He remembered all too well the feel of those large hands as they touched him. That clever mouth as it reigned kisses and nips all over his body. He remembered the way he screamed as Angel filled him. It couldn’t happen again though, not without Spike - without either of them.

“Angel. We can’t.”

“Why not? You said my soul was permanent. You want me, I can smell it. It is my right as head of the clan. So why exactly can’t we do this?”

“Because Spike isn’t here. It would be wrong. And also, there is the matter of everyone else in the hotel being just outside the door.”

Angel cocked his head and frowned as he pondered that little problem. It wouldn’t do for the others to hear them in here, not if he was going to have any hope of a relationship with Cordy; she just didn’t understand vampiric ritual. To not claim right of sire would be an insult toward his childe and his mate. It would be like saying Xander wasn’t good enough to be a part of them. After what Xander had done for him, he couldn’t do that. Not to mention the fact that the boy was very attractive.

“Hmm, you do have a point about that. But how else do you suppose we test the spell?”

“Test? Why do you need to test?”

“Well, you wouldn’t want to take any chances now, would you?”

Xander seemed to think about that for a minute. He certainly didn’t want Angelus back, and if he was wrong, and the spell didn’t work… Well that was as far as he got in his thinking before Angel was whispering in his ear again.

“Do you have any idea how good you smell? You’re covered in him; I can smell my William in your veins. Combined with the scent of you… well, I can’t be blamed for wanting to welcome you properly now, can I?”

“B..but you hate me.”

“No, I never hated you, Xander. I hated that you could give Buffy what I never could. But then I got over that. Got over Buffy. Things are different, and besides, you’re family now.”

“We still can’t. The noise…”

“Silence spell. I’m sure a warlock of your natural talents could do something to soundproof the room. Right?”

During the entire conversation, Angel’s hands were trailing lightly across Xander’s chest, dipping underneath his shirt, playing with his nipples. Xander groaned and leaned back against Angel fully. He was so going to hell for this.

“Yeah. I can.”

Xander only had to think about what he wanted and a hush fell over the room. He knew the vampire had felt the magic in the air when he was swiftly turned in Angel’s arms and kissed possessively. Xander fell into the kiss and just let it happen. It was Angel’s right, after all, since he had mated to this reality’s Spike. Except…

“You can’t fuck me.”

Angel pulled back slightly and quirked his eyebrow at Xander.

“And why is that?”

“Because Spike hasn’t yet. We’ve only messed around a bit.”

“But he bit you - mated with you.”

“Yeah, funny thing, that. It was sort of an accident.”

Angel’s lip twitched and then it twitched again. Then he smiled. As Xander watched, Angel began to laugh. He laughed so hard he had tears in his eyes. Xander crossed his arms over his chest and frowned at him.

“What? Why are you laughing?”

“Only you, Harris. Only you could end up mated to Spike by accident. My William never was much of a planner; seems like you aren’t either.”

“Hey! Well, alright, you’re not wrong there.”

“Welcome to the family, Xander. You’re going to fit in just fine.”

Xander laughed and shook his head.

“So, we’re not gonna…”

“No. Not if Spike hasn’t taken you yet. Trust me on this, he wouldn’t be happy about it.”

“Yeah. But what about testing the spell?”

Angel thought about it for a minute and then smiled.

“I’ll just have to wait until that idiot childe of mine claims you properly. Then we can see about testing the spell. All three of us.”

Xander swallowed and licked his suddenly dry lips. He knew exactly how that would go and was actually looking forward to it. He was a sick man. A sick, sick man.

“Right. I should… Oh hell! Cordelia! I completely forgot about Cordelia. When was anyone gonna tell me she was pregnant?”

“What? Cordy’s not pregnant. She was injured; I… Angelus… she’s not pregnant.”

“Oh, you didn’t know. Well, fuck.”

Xander lifted the silencing spell from the room and opened the door. Angel followed him out of the office, still trying to figure out why Xander thought Cordelia was pregnant. He got his answer as a very pregnant-looking Cordelia came down the stairs.

A hush fell over the collected group of people in the lobby. Xander watched curiously as his former girlfriend made her way down the stairs. She smiled at the group and rubbed her swollen abdomen. Xander narrowed his eyes and stepped back from her.

“That is not Cordelia.”

All eyes turned toward Xander and he shrugged his shoulders.

“Well it isn’t. I mean, yeah that’s Cordy’s body and Cordy is in there, but she’s not the one in control.”

Connor stepped in front of Cordelia and glared at Xander. He didn’t know who this man was but he wasn’t going to allow him to talk like that about the mother of his child. Cordelia had warned him that the others wouldn’t understand.

“Oh, Xander. Of course I am. Just because I’m not the same shallow girl you dated back in high school doesn’t mean I’m not me.”

“No, but the fact that I can see your true face lurking beneath the surface of Cordelia’s does. And can I just say, eeewww? I mean, maggots are just so last year’s evil, ya know?”

The lobby erupted into chaos. Cordelia - or the thing that was Cordelia - began glowing and Xander shouted for everyone to take cover. Willow and Xander looked at each other and nodded their heads. They would work together to fix this.

Part 33

We’re on our way home. I gotta say I’m glad Wills didn’t do that to me on purpose. I missed my best friend, and finding out that she only wanted to help me get over having to stake Jesse - it’s a load off my mind. It was still wrong, but she realizes that now, so it’s done. No more feeling bitter and hateful towards Willow.

Angel’s soul is secure; we didn’t test it, but I know it is. Still, he plans on coming down to remedy that after Spike and I finish our bonding. I don’t know when that’ll happen, but it will likely be soon. I have mixed feelings about that. I want him, no doubt there, but I still can’t help but feel I’m betraying my Spike by doing this. Plus, there is the fact that Spike even admitted he’s never bottomed for a human before. He made it sound like it was something he wasn’t interested in changing either. I don’t really have a problem with that, I enjoy it either way, but if this is going to be a long term thing between us - and from what I understand about mates, it is - then it needs to be on equal footing. Something we’ll have to talk about sooner or later.

Then there is Angel. Christ, when he first twigged to what was happening - and I will so be having words with Spike when I get back, I mean he could have warned me - he was furious. I had to resort to whispering things in Gaelic to him just to get him to let me go! It’s a good thing he’s a predictable vampire - Spike says he always gasps out the same phrases during sex. It was enough to get him off of me and give me time to explain a few things.

So much has happened. I don’t even know where to start. Cordelia was possessed by a … not real sure what she was, but damn, was she ugly. Willow helped me to cast her out of Cordy, and with no host body she just sort of… fizzled out. It was kinda gross. Oh, and Cordelia’s not preggers anymore now, either. Turns out the thing was trying to give birth to herself. Yuck!

The green guy - Lorne - gave me some good news. He knew of a spell that will bring my Spike back. It calls for some really out-there ingredients, though. Not the least of which, being blood of the sire, the subject and the sorcerer. So, Angel, Spike, and I assume the sorcerer is me. That I can do. I have Angel’s blood - he was really good about giving it to me after what Willow and I did for Cordelia; I’m pretty sure that Spike will give me his blood, and I already have my own. It’s the other stuff that’s gonna be difficult. I mean, the powdered Racashka’s horn alone is going to take time to track down. I don’t care, though. I have a way to bring him back now. Finally, he’ll be here with me the way he should have been all along.

The only thing that worries me is how is this going to work? I love my mate and I missed him so much, but now I have this other Spike and he’s my mate now, too. I don’t want to hurt him. I love him, as well. How is this possibly going to work? I know that my Spike said it’d be fine, that everything would work out in the end, and I believe him, but it’s the beginning and the middle that has me concerned. Spike is very possessive; both of them are. And with this Spike having a soul, he’s so damaged right now that I’m afraid anything that my Spike says or does to him could hurt him. It’s no secret what my mate thinks about having a soul, and then there is the whole “falling for a slayer” thing.

I should just go and buy myself a black and white striped shirt. I’m going to be playing referee quite a bit, I can tell. I mean the idea of being in the middle of them sounds good in theory, but not when it’s going to be to keep them from killing each other.

Then there’s the ring. It belongs to Spike. I gave it to him and I wouldn’t even think of taking it back, but what about this Spike? I mean, doesn’t he deserve to walk in the sunlight too? How are Spike and I ever going to enjoy a day out in the sun knowing that he’s back at the apartment -or worse, at Buffy’s - trapped inside?

I kinda wish this had never happened. Not because I don’t love this Spike; I do. It’s just that suddenly my life is way more complicated than I ever thought it would be. I mean, the gay thing took me by surprise, the Spike thing was even more of a shock, but two Spikes? One souled and one chipped? How am I supposed to deal with this?

Thank God Willow is a better driver than Buffy. I need this time to sort things out and I would never let Buffy drive my car on the freeway. We’re probably an hour away from Sunnydale now. Faith is coming back with us since there is no big evil in L.A. that needs her attention right now. And hey? First Evil? I’m thinking there’s no such thing as too many slayers!

So, all I need now is for Cordelia to come on down, and then I can sit around with all my past lovers in front of my current one. Gee, uncomfortable much? But Angel says Faith has changed, and from what I’ve seen, I believe him. I just hope Buffy can accept her; we need the extra muscle and I’m a firm believer in second chances. If Angel and Spike deserve another chance, why not Faith?

I keep coming back to Willow. God, if I had just told her everything in the beginning, I could have saved myself so much grief. How is it that the demons in my life know more about human relationships than I do? I mean both Anya and Spike told me that I should talk to my friends, tell them everything and get it sorted. But not me; no, Xander has to hold onto a grudge and let it fester. I can be such an ass at times. I hurt Willow. I didn’t trust her, and I let my suspicions harden my heart against her. Thank God she loves me.

She’s pretty forgiving, my Willow. She told me she didn’t blame me, that if it had been her, she might have reacted the same way. After seeing her go all “Evil Willow” in that one reality, I really hope that that is a side of her I never see in this Willow.

Faith is being pretty cool about the whole thing. Even the “Spike as my mate” part. I think she has her ideas about Angel and me, as well. She gave us this weird little grin when we came out of the office and later she made some cryptic remark about Sunnydaler’s getting all the hot vamps. If she only knew!

Wills and she are chatting away in the front seat. Discussing the First, Angelus, Cordy’s possession and pregnancy. Faith told her about the dream-sharing with Angelus, and I gotta say I laughed at the puppy rescue. Only Angelus would consider that a nightmare. Although, I have to admit, the Angelus I met - the one that tortured Riley - was nothing like the crazy fucker we all knew and hated when he was loose in Sunnydale. He was different, more in control. Spike said he used to be like that before the curse. Now, he’s just crazy. But maybe not as crazy as we think. He did take out the Beast after all, ended the no-sunlight issue. It’s a moot point now though, what with Angel’s soul being permanent.

That’s the other thing. Before the spell, Angel was all “I don’t want to know about you and me” and after? He was all hands and lips and “Welcome to the family”. I mean, what’s up with that? Maybe he’s channeling his inner demon? I should have had Tara or Willow look over the spell for me. I think I might have blended a bit of Angelus into Angel’s personality; either that or the man was a horn-dog before he was turned. I’ll have to ask Spike about that. What Liam was like before he ran into Darla and met death at the end of sharp, pointy teeth.

Then again, maybe bringing Angel up when Spike and I haven’t even had the sex yet is a bad idea. He’s still sore about Angelus taking Drusilla away from him, and about the fact that Buffy still loves Angel. He might get a bit… Angry? Growly? Possessive? I don’t want to be the cause of any more of his pain. Maybe I should tell him what Angel said, about being over Buffy. It might help. Then again, do I want to offer any false hope? Plus, hello? Mated to me now? How the hell would he and Buffy ever make it work when he belongs to someone else?

I don’t think I’d be very good about it either. Just the thought of the two of them together now makes my stomach twist. I can feel my anger and jealousy rising to the surface. I have to remind myself that it isn’t real, that there is nothing going on between them. That they weren’t… together while I was in L.A.

Damn this bond thing is hard!

Xander closed his book with a sigh and watched out the window as the dark scenery blurred past them. He was looking forward to going home, but at the same time, he was dreading seeing the Welcome to Sunnydale sign. He wondered if Willow would let him drive now? He kinda wanted to run the sign down on his way into town, sort of a tribute to his mate. Both of them.

Part 34

Xander didn’t end up driving over the sign; he didn’t end up driving at all. Willow drove them all to Buffy’s place where they sat inside the car for the better part of twenty minutes trying to work up the nerve to go inside.

Willow was still in shock after hearing everything that Xander had been through, not to mention seeing exactly how powerful he was now. What he did to Cordelia - even though she had helped - was beyond anything she had ever seen.

Faith was scared. She wasn’t too stubborn to admit that anymore. She wasn’t afraid of dying; it was what slayers did. She was afraid of how she would be accepted. Or not. She had done some horrible things to these people, facing them wasn’t going to be pleasant.

Xander was afraid to see Spike. They had agreed to take things slow, but what happened before he had left was not taking things slow. It was fast, very fast. They went from comfort to naked in under sixty seconds. He was afraid that he would jump the blond as soon as he saw him. For all his protestations, he wanted him. It didn’t help that he was still aroused from what Angel had done to him back in L.A. - not to mention his promise of what they would do once Spike had claimed him properly.

Finally, Faith broke the silence as she muttered ‘fuck it’ and opened her door. Xander gave Willow a small smile and followed suit. The three of them mounted the steps together and then stood outside the front door. No one wanted to be the first inside.

“Hey, Faith? Look. For whatever it’s worth, I forgive you. No hard feelings.”

“Thanks, Xan. It’s worth something, believe me.”

“I do. You ready?”

“No. But I’ll deal.”

“Come on then. Let’s get this over with.”

Xander opened the door and stepped inside. It was not a happy scene. The potentials were all glowery and depressed and there was a strange kid standing in the corner wearing oven mitts. Xander looked around for Buffy but didn’t see her.

“Hey, where’s Buffy?”

Everyone turned to look at Xander, but it was the new kid that answered.

“She went out. Well, after yelling at everyone and pissing Spike off.”

“Thanks. And you would be?”

The guy looked at Xander strangely.

“I’m Andrew. Remember?”

“Um, yeah. You look familiar.”

Xander and Andrew continued to give each other strange looks. Willow put her hand on Xander’s shoulder and frowned at him.

“Xander? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Well, you don’t seem to remember Andrew. He’s been here since just after Spike came back. He’s been helping, trying to make amends for the whole stalking Buffy thing he got dragged into by Warren. You don’t remember any of this?”

“No. I remember Warren killed his girlfriend and tried to pin it on Buffy. I remember he got arrested and Andrew and Jonathan got arrested as well, for helping him.”

As Xander looked around the room, he noticed that everyone was looking at him like he was crazy. There was something definitely off about this whole thing.

“I… I’m gonna go. Home. I have things… Sleep. I must be overtired. Yeah that’s it. I just need a good night’s sleep.”

Xander shook his head and left the house. He got into his car and drove towards his apartment. He didn’t know what the hell was going on but it felt familiar. Like he was in a different reality again - albeit one very close to his own.

After parking and taking the elevator up to his floor. Xander stood outside his apartment door afraid to go in. He was terrified that he would already be in there. That he had somehow ended up back on his nightmare trip through dimensions. Knowing that he wouldn’t get any answers standing outside in the hallway, he unlocked the door and stepped inside.

It looked like home. It smelled like home. It was quiet and dark; there were no obvious signs of anyone else being there. Xander turned on the hall light and went towards his bedroom. He looked in his closet and let out a breath of relief. Spike’s duster and Docs were there. He opened the bedside table and saw his mate’s journal - along with the flogger, the cuffs, and the other trinkets he had picked up in that one reality.

“Thank fucking God.”

“Why?”

“Aaack!”

Xander turned around to find Anya smiling at him.

“Damn it An, are you trying to scare me to death?”

“No. I came to answer your questions. Scaring you is just an added bonus.”

“Questions?”

“Yeah, you know, why is Andrew at Buffy’s house? Why does everyone seem to think he belongs there? Why don’t I remember any of this?”

“Oh. Those questions.”

“Yeah. So where should I start?”

Xander sat on the bed and Anya sat down next to him. She put an arm around his shoulders and squeezed.

“You’re not in a different reality, Xander. This one has just been… altered.”

“By who? Why? How?”

“Hallie. It was a wish. Andrew.”

Xander was furious. He went away for a day and everything changed. He hated that damn Halfrek; she had put him through hell. Now this?

“What did Andrew wish for?”

“He wished for a different life. One where he was included, where he made a difference. He wanted to help Buffy.”

“So now he’s there? What the hell does he do in a house full of girls?”

“Cook, mostly.”

“And this is what he wanted?”

“Yeah, he’s rather simple that way.”

“Okay. What the hell all have I missed since I went to L.A.?”

“A lot. Come on, you can buy me dinner and I’ll tell you what’s happened.”

Xander shook his head fondly at his ex-fiancée and followed her back out to his car. They got inside and he drove toward the Chinese food restaurant she liked. Once they were inside and had ordered, he gave her a pointed look and she sighed.

“Fine. You missed quite a bit. Turns out that Wood guy is the child of a slayer. He had some stuff of his mother’s that he gave to Buffy. Included in that stuff was a shadow caster. Before you ask, it’s a magical storyteller. This one tells the story of how the first slayer was created. Buffy went into the past to talk to these shadow men and see if they had anything to help with the First.”

Anya took a sip of her drink and then shook her head.

“Like a bunch of men would be of any use. They weren’t. Buffy disappeared and in her place we got a big ole stinkin’ demon - Spike had to track it down and kill it. The only way to get Buffy back was to send the demon back through the portal. Of course this was after Buffy told Spike how useless he was now. After she lectured everyone on how they weren’t pulling their own weight. She even accused me of not doing anything to help! I mean, hello? I am a demon.”

Xander smiled at Anya.

“Yes, you are. And not that I’m not grateful, but why are you helping?”

“Because it’s the right thing to do. You were my first friend, Xander. My first lover, my first boyfriend, my first everything. You taught me what it is to be human, and even though I’m not human anymore, I don’t want to see you hurt. Any of you.”

“Good enough for me. Thanks, An.”

They shared a smile and then Xander frowned.

“Buffy told Spike he was useless?”

“It was awful. She told him she wanted the old Spike back. The one who had tried to kill her when he first saw her. He was devastated, Xander. You would have been proud of him, though. He didn’t show it. He reminded Buffy that he did all of this, the soul and whatnot, for her and she just told him she didn’t want the soul, she wanted the demon.”

“Oh God. Poor Spike; where is he?”

“Where do you think, Xander? He’s out being the “Big Bad“, trying to prove that he’s demon enough for her. It won’t work. Buffy doesn’t know what she wants, and she’s making everyone else crazy because of it.”

Their dinners arrived and they ate silently for a few minutes.

“An? Did Buffy tells the others about me?”

“No. Not in so many words, but she was pissed about keeping your secret. She thinks you should be doing more on the magic front instead of hiding behind Tara and letting her do all the work. I’m sorry, but I have to agree with her on that point. Tara doesn’t have your power. You would be a better choice. It almost killed her and Giles when they had to open the portal to bring Buffy back. You would have been able to do it easily.”

“Point. Well, I’m done hiding, anyway. I talked to Willow; we’re all good now. I fixed Deadboy’s curse and I brought Faith back with us. I think we stand a chance against this thing now.”

“Faith? Isn’t she the crazy slayer that tried to kill you for foreplay?”

“Yep. One and the same. She’s changed though. She’s on our side now.”

“If you say so.”

They didn’t talk much after that. Xander was worried about Spike, and it was obvious. Anya finally told him to just go find him and take him home. Xander thanked her, paid the bill and left.

Part 35

It was almost sunrise by the time Xander made it home. He hadn’t found Spike, and he had run out of places to look. He figured the blond was probably home by now, that or at Buffy’s. He’d check his place first; if Spike wasn’t there then he’d call over and see if he had gone to slayer central instead.

The apartment was still dark and quiet. Xander felt his disappointment like a lead weight. He really wanted to see Spike, to tell him that he knew what Buffy had said, and that she was wrong. That Xander didn’t think he was useless, that Xander loved him just as he was - soul and all.

Xander sighed and picked up the phone. He dialed Buffy’s house and rolled his eyes when Andrew answered. That was another thing he was curious about - why he wasn’t affected by Halfrek’s magicks.

“Andrew, it’s Xander. Is Spike there, by any chance?”

“No. He hasn’t been back since Buffy yelled at him. Yelled at all of us, actually. I don’t blame him; she was harsh.”

“Thanks.”

Xander hung up on Andrew, feeling a small pang of guilt over it, but too worried about his vampire to give it much thought. He headed for his room, stripped off his clothes and padded naked across the hall to the bathroom.

The shower was a blessed relief. He felt like he hadn’t been clean in forever. He smiled as he remembered the look on Angel’s face when he smelled him. Xander shook his head and grinned; Spike knew that Angel would smell Spike on him and had sent him off like that anyway. Possessive, thy name is Spike.

Xander stepped out of the shower and dried himself off. He was still scrubbing his hair dry when the bathroom door opened and Spike stepped inside.

“Have a nice trip then?”

“Ahhh! Damn it, Spike, when did you get home?”

“Been here for a couple hours, was sleeping ’til some git turned on the water and woke me.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

Xander just then remembered he was naked and quickly covered himself with the towel. Spike snorted and rolled his eyes.

“I’ve already seen it, Xander. No need to play shy with me.”

“Oh. Right.”

There was something off about Spike. Xander couldn’t pinpoint what, but he knew it was there all the same. Spike felt… aloof, indifferent, closed off.

“You were in your room?”

“Where else would I be? It’s where I sleep, isn’t it? Or do you want me to leave?”

“Er, no. I just thought… I mean, you were sleeping in my… never mind.”

“Oh, I see. You thought I’d be waiting for you, didn’t you? What did you think, Xander? That you’d come home and I’d be lying in your bed just waiting for you to climb in and roll me over?”

“NO! Damn it Spike. I didn’t think that. I thought we were friends.”

“Demons don’t have friends. I don’t need a friend, Xander; I’m not human.”

Xander wanted to slap Buffy. This was her fault. Spike was fine when he left that morning. In the span of less than twenty-four hours, everything had gone to hell. All the progress he had made with the vampire had been undone. Well, at least he wasn’t crazy-in-the-basement-guy.

“Do you still have your soul, Spike?”

“Does it matter? You love him, and he doesn’t have a soul. Buffy wants the demon, you want the demon, why not be the demon?”

“Because you don’t have to be? If that’s what you want, Spike, I’m okay with that. But you don’t have to be anything for me. I love you just the way you are.”

Spike cocked his head to the side and studied Xander closely. In a move so fast that Xander didn’t even see it, Spike was in front of him - demon face to the fore. He tilted Xander’s head to the side and brushed his fangs over his neck.

“Mine.”

“Yours.”

Spike sank his fangs deeply into his mark and pulled Xander into a crushing embrace. He brought his hand to his own throat and made a cut with his fingernail. He cupped the back of Xander’s head and pulled him to the wound. As soon as he felt Xander’s lips close over the cut and begin drawing on his blood he removed the towel from Xander’s waist.

Xander felt himself harden as Spike’s cool fingers closed around him. He moaned into his neck as he continued to suckle at the slow trickle of blood. He fumbled with the drawstring on the vampire’s pants and finally got them untied. He pushed them down over slim hips and felt them pool at their feet.

Spike’s hand moved with a purpose, expertly bringing Xander closer and closer to orgasm. It didn’t take long, and Xander would have been embarrassed if this had happened with a woman, but Spike being a guy, knew exactly how to touch him; how to bring him off quickly. He had barely registered Spike’s fangs receding before he found himself on his knees; Spike’s cock in his face.

“Suck me, pet.”

“Yeeesss.”

Xander didn’t waste any time. He licked across the head of the pale cock and moaned at the taste of the fluids there. He had missed this taste; it had been too long since he had done this. He swiftly took as much of Spike into his mouth as he could. He brought his hands up to caress Spike’s balls and pump his shaft as he continued to suck. He could hear Spike’s moans of encouragement and sank down further until he could feel the head of his mate’s cock against the back of his throat. He swallowed.

“Fuck! Xander, do that again!”

Xander did. He swallowed again and then pulled back until only the tip of Spike’s cock was in his mouth. He played over the slit with his tongue and then slid one finger into his mouth to lubricate it. He sank down on the vampire’s cock again and swallowed continuously as he worked the now wet finger between Spike’s cheeks and pressed it into his ass. Spike screamed and came. Xander swallowed and then licked him clean before getting to his feet.

Spike blinked at Xander and then shook his head. He pulled his sweats back up and walked away. Xander grabbed his towel and followed after him with a frown. He found Spike in the kitchen heating blood.

“Spike?”

“Yeah, pet?”

“You alright?”

“Fine. Why d’you ask?”

“No reason.”

Spike looked at Xander and then shrugged before drinking his blood and rinsing the cup in the sink. He walked past Xander and headed down the hall.

“I’m going back to bed. If you’re staying up, try to keep the noise down, eh? Need my beauty sleep and all.”

Xander just stood there in shock as Spike went into his bedroom and closed the door.

Part 36

Xander blinked and then snapped out of his shock. He didn’t know what the hell had just happened. Well, sex, yeah. Biting too - at least on Spike’s part. They had reaffirmed their blood bond. So why the cold-shoulder all of a sudden?

Xander went down the hall and stopped outside of Spike’s bedroom door. He thought about knocking, about demanding an explanation for what had just happened but he wasn’t sure if he wanted to hear it. Spike was hard to figure out on good days, and this wasn’t a good day. What had happened in the bathroom was good and all, but he was still horny and he really missed sex.

“I should have just let Angel fuck me.”

Xander muttered to himself and walked away. He barely got a foot inside his bedroom door before he was pressed face first against the wall.

“Gee, this seems familiar.”

Spike pressed harder and Xander stopped talking. He didn’t know what this was all about, but he wasn’t going to do anything to aggravate the blond further.

“Should have let Angel fuck you?”

Spike snarled and then dug his fangs into Xander’s neck. He didn’t drink; just left them buried in the flesh as he kept Xander pinned to the wall. Xander didn’t know whether to try and break free or push himself further into the possessive embrace of his mate. Spike withdrew his fangs and licked over the seeping wound to close it.

“I don’t know how that other Spike feels, but I don’t share. You’re mine, Xander, body, blood and soul. You don’t fuck with anyone but me!”

“I didn’t! I told him that we hadn’t… that he couldn’t. Not without you.”

“Want to be claimed then, Xander? Want me to finish what you started? Take what’s mine?”

“Yeeessss!”

Xander pushed his ass back against Spike’s naked groin. He could feel Spike’s hard cock as it twitched against his towel-clad ass. He groaned as Spike growled softly in his ear.

“You gonna scream for me, Xander? Scream my name as I fuck you hard and fast?”

“Yes, Spike. Oh God, yes!”

The towel was suddenly gone and so was Spike. Xander had only a moment to protest the loss of that cool strong body before it was back, and wet slippery fingers were probing him. And none too gently either.

“Gonna take you, Xander. Fuck you; claim you all proper like. Gonna make you scream, make you mine. No one can take you from me after this.”

Spike’s fingers withdrew from Xander’s body and were instantly replaced by something much larger as Spike pushed his way inside. Xander muffled his scream by biting on his tongue. It had been awhile and he could have used a little more preparation than that. Still, it was good. It was rough and hard and fast, but it was Spike inside him, inside him and making him his.

“Fuck! Oh God! Right there, Spike. Shit yeah!”

“Like this, love? Like my cock inside you, splitting you open? Gonna stay buried in you all day long, Xander. Gonna wake you up every hour and just fuck you and fuck you.”

Xander clenched around Spike’s cock and screamed as Spike wrapped his fist around his cock and stroked him hard. He was so close, so fucking close. If Spike would just bite, he would be in heaven.

“You like that idea, Xander? You want me to sleep buried inside you? Want to wake up to the feel of me stretching you open? I can do it, you know. Stay hard while I sleep. You want that, Xan? Answer me.”

“Yes. Fuck yes. Please, Spike.”

“Yeah, you like that. Gonna scream for me, love?”

Spike bit Xander hard and Xander screamed as he came. He was pretty sure his neighbors wouldn’t call the cops; they’d gotten used to the noise when he had been with Anya, but all the same, he needed to try and remember not to be so loud. He felt Spike’s orgasm as it washed through him and then the emptiness as the vampire pulled out of his body.

“Relax, Xander. Just gonna put you to bed. You might have lost a bit more blood than what’s good for you. Stupid of me to drink from you again. Sorry ’bout that.”

“Mmm, s’okay. Love you.”

“Yeah, pet. Love you too. Into bed with you.”

Spike laid Xander down and then left the room. Xander worried that he wasn’t going to come back, but before he managed to sit up, he heard the vampire return.

“Just gonna clean you up a bit.”

Spike wiped him down with a damp cloth and then climbed into bed beside him. He pulled Xander back against his chest and wrapped his arms around him.

“Sorry, love. Didn’t mean to be so rough on you. Demon was clamoring to be inside you; it’s not natural to mate with someone and not claim him or her physically. You okay?”

“Mmm, better than. Was good.”

“Sleep, love.”

“You’ll stay?”

“Yeah, pet. I’ll stay.”

“Um… What about…”

Xander trailed off but rubbed his ass into the vampire again. Spike chuckled, lifted Xander’s leg and slid inside of him.

“Better?”

“Yep. Night, Spike.”

“G’night love.”

Xander drifted off to sleep almost immediately. Spike stayed awake for the better part of an hour just marveling in the fact that Xander was his. That he had finally claimed him. And all it took was Buffy to tell him he was useless.

He snorted, and Xander stirred briefly. Spike grinned and slowly withdrew his cock until it was just barely inside before sliding back in. Xander moaned and pushed back against him. Spike pulled his mate closer and peppered kisses all over his shoulder and the side of his neck. He did tell the boy he was going to wake him up and fuck him; wouldn’t want to lie to his mate now would he?

Part 37

By sunset, Xander had been woken several times - just as Spike promised. He was sore, but it was a good kind of sore. The kind of sore that made soaking in a hot bath feel like heaven. Even better when you were joined by your lover.

The two were silently reclined in the large tub, surrounded by hot water and sandalwood-scented bubbles. Xander was resting against Spike’s chest with his eyes closed. Spike was running his hands gently over the human’s chest and purring softly. It was the very picture of domestic bliss. But Xander, being Xander, had to ruin it by speaking.

“What happened last night, Spike? You were… strange.”

“Not so much. Just not the Spike you’re used to.”

“Huh?”

“You remember a few years back when we first met? The night Angel wanted us to eat you - and not in the fun way? That was me. That was a century of being a demon, socializing with demons, living in Angelus’ shadow. It’s who I was, all I was.”

“And now?”

“Now I’m different. Even before the soul, I knew that I had to be more than the demon if I was going to survive the chip - If I was going to keep the slayer from staking me. Had to draw on my human memories; that little part of William that survived my turning. I came to realize that you lot were not what I had thought you to be. I mean, a bunch of bumbling teenagers kept spoiling my plans? I was embarrassed for my entire species.”

Xander chuckled and Spike kissed the top of his head.

“Then I got to be part of the group, saw how things worked. You were just children, yet you fought things that would scare the living hell out of most adults. And you did it because you wanted to. Had to respect that. Made me take a closer look, and when I did, I liked what I saw. I fell in love with Buffy because she’s more than a slayer, more than a killer of my kind. She’s unique, our Buffy. Had to give Rupert credit as well; for a watcher, he’s an all right bloke. Taught his charge to think for herself, not to just blindly follow orders like most other slayers. Red’s always been a bit of all right. Stood up to me even when I was drunk and out of my head with grief over Dru; would have kept her that night in the dorms. Probably not what you want to hear though, is it?”

Xander shook his head.

“Not really.”

“Right. It’s the truth, though. Always liked Anya, too. Fellow outcast and all that. ’Sides, she embarrassed the hell out of you and Rupert. It was better than telly some days.”

“And me?”

“Couldn’t stand you.”

Spike chuckled as Xander tried to pull away from him. He held him tighter and shook his head.

“No you don’t. You asked and you’re going to listen. Got that?”

“Fine.”

“The reason I couldn’t stand you was ’cause you were always bein’ smart with me. You called me names, constantly reminded me that I was damaged - impotent. By the way, I really should smack you for that. I’m not - nor was I ever - impotent.”

“Yeah, I know.”

Xander squirmed slightly, his tender bum reminding him all too well of how not-impotent the vampire was.

“I think, if things had been a little different- if you hadn’t been so outwardly hostile to me - we might have been friends. We did have the most in common. You being the only male in the group. Well other than dear old Rupert, but he doesn’t count ’cause he’s like the father figure to all you pups.”

“Yeah. You’re probably right. The one Xander I met was already gay and he and that Spike got together right after they had been forced to live together.”

“Mmm hmm. See, so if you had only been a little nicer to me, we could have been shagging each other these past couple years and saved ourselves a lot of trouble. There would have been no almost-wedding, no me falling for my natural enemy, I certainly wouldn’t have run off and gotten my soul for someone who doesn’t even want me.”

Xander turned his head and kissed Spike lightly on the lips. He didn’t want to hurt Spike, but he couldn’t regret the last couple years either. His time with Anya was something he would always treasure, and if not for her, he never would have met his Spike.

“Yeah, but even with all of that, I wouldn’t change anything. I’ve seen my other options and I like my life just fine the way it’s turned out. Curses, broken hearts and all.”

“Suppose you would. You have any luck in L.A. with that spell you were looking for?”

“Oh! Shit I forgot to tell you. I have it. Angel has some weird green demon guy that works with him. He reads auras if you sing for him, so I sang. He gave me a spell, but it has some really rare ingredients and if it weren’t for the fact that he’s you, it wouldn’t even work.”

“How’s that?”

“It calls for the blood of the subject of the spell. Actually it needs my blood, your blood and Angel’s blood. Dru’s would have worked too, but Angel was willing, so it was easier.”

Spike didn’t say anything while Xander rambled on about the rare things he’d need to perform the spell. He was still stuck on the fact that Xander had found a spell. He wasn’t so sure he wanted the other him here. He had only just fully claimed Xander and he wasn’t sure if he was ready to share him just yet. Truthfully, he didn’t know if he wanted to share him at all. He’d done the three-way relationship before with Dru and Angelus. It hadn’t worked out in his favor. Even decades after Angelus had left them, he was still first in Dru’s heart. He doubted things were any different here.

If it hadn’t been for the other Spike, he wouldn’t be with Xander right now. They never would have shared blood and accidentally started this bond. It was obvious by the excited chatter Spike could still hear, that Xander was looking forward to having the other one here. Spike wondered briefly what Xander would do if he refused to give him his blood.

“Water’s cooling off, pet. We should get out.”

“Mmm, I guess so. I like it in here though; you’re comfy.”

Spike smiled and squeezed Xander tightly before shifting him forward and standing up. He pulled Xander to his feet and led him out of the tub. After drying himself off he turned around to find Xander looking at him with a strange expression on his face. He cupped the man’s cheek and stepped closer to him.

“What’s wrong, love?”

“I’m sorry. I just… I realize how hard this must be for you, what with me prattling on about the other you, but I miss him, you know?”

“I know. It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not. I hurt you, didn’t I? Just now?”

Spike lowered his eyes and nodded his head slightly.

“A bit. It’s just… What are you gonna need me around for once he’s back? I’ve been through this with Dru and Angelus once before; I don’t think I can do it again.”

Xander pulled Spike into his arms and held him. He kissed his head, his shoulders, his neck and then tilting his head up, he kissed his mouth.

“It won’t be like that. I promise. I love you for you, Spike. Not because you’re him. You really aren’t, you know. He’s different. You’re different.”

“I just don’t want to be pushed aside. I don’t handle rejection well.”

“No? Really?”

Xander grinned and Spike had to chuckle at him.

“Alright, so when do you need my blood?”

“I have to make a few calls, try to find some of the stuff. Wills gave me a list of people to call, so hopefully it’ll only take a few days.”

“Alright. Well, come on. We have to go see the slayer and Rupert. Christ I hope that Andrew isn’t there. Bleedin’ git keeps giving me the eye.”

“Hey! I wanted to ask you about that…”

Xander followed Spike out of the bathroom and into what he was now thinking of as their room.

“…How long has he been at Buffy’s?”

“Since just after I got back from Africa; why?”

Xander groaned and hung his head in his hands.

“Because he doesn’t belong there, and I seem to be the only one who realizes it. Well, other than Anya.”

“Another spell?”

“Vengeance wish. Halfrek.”

“Eh, the kids harmless. Who cares?”

“Yeah, you’re probably right.”

Part 38

The last couple of days had been better all the way around. Buffy had apologized to Spike - and to Xander for what had happened in his absence. Xander came out - both about his magic and about Spike. Giles was stunned and asked a million questions; Buffy looked hurt, like she had just realized what Spike meant to her and that she had lost her chance with him. Dawn squealed and jumped around the room chanting ‘I was right’ over and over again. Willow smiled. She was just happy to have her best friend back.

Faith and Buffy were getting on okay; things had been a bit strained at first, but they came to an understanding. They were slayers, and they needed to work together on this.

Xander kept a close eye on Andrew; he soon came to the conclusion that he was harmless. Andrew just wanted to belong to something - a feeling that Xander could identify with - so he left him alone about the wish and just let him carry on caring for the S.I.T.s He wasn’t a bad cook, either.

Tonight however, Xander was on his own. He had to go to L.A. again, this time to pick up some supplies for the spell. He had wanted to take Spike with him, but Giles insisted on doing some ritual to reveal what the trigger was that the First was using on him. He assured Xander that it was harmless and Willow agreed. Spike told him he’d be fine and to go to L.A. without him, but not before taking him aside and making sure he knew to avoid Angel while he was there. Spike wasn’t ready to share with his sire yet - head of the clan or not.

Xander had chained Spike to the wall as requested, kissed him softly, and then whispered in his ear about getting a set of manacles for their bedroom before he left. The smoldering look Spike gave him in return was enough of a reason to conduct his business quickly and get back home as soon as he could. Ever since Spike had taken him that first night, they had spent every spare moment they had in bed wrapped around one another.

It didn’t take nearly as long to get everything as he thought it would. In fact, there was only one more ingredient he had to wait for before he’d have everything he needed. Willow’s contacts were amazing; if they didn’t have it, they knew where to get it. Even the final ingredient - something called gherystic -which turned out to be a plant that only grows in a certain demon dimension. He was glad he had worked things out with Willow, otherwise he never would have gotten everything so quickly. It could have taken months of searching to find that - as it stood, it was being shipped from somewhere in China that night and should arrive in a couple of days.

Xander headed home with a smile on his face and a song in heart. He was happy. Happier than he had ever been in his life. Yeah, he knew things wouldn’t be easy at first - living with two Spikes was going to be a real test of his patience - but the pros would far outweigh the cons of the situation. He would finally have his Spike back, and he wouldn’t lose this one either. Xander had never pictured himself as the kind of guy to get involved in a triad relationship, but then again, before the curse, he’d never pictured himself as the kind of guy to get involved with another man, either. Or a vampire. Now he was involved with two of them. Yep, he was definitely a demon magnet.

He pulled into the driveway of the Summers’ house and got out of the car. He was met by Buffy on the front porch. She didn’t look happy, and Xander wondered what had set her off.

“Hey Buff. Spike here?”

“No. He’s probably at your place.”

Xander nodded and turned to go, but Buffy called after him.

“Xander, wait. Can we talk for a minute?”

“Sure, Buff. What’s up?”

“Actually, that’s kinda what I wanted to ask you?”

“What do you mean?”

“What’s the deal with you and Spike? I mean, you told me you were trying to find a way to bring back the other one, so why did you hook up with this one, and what happens to him when the other one gets here?”

“Ah.”

Xander sat on the step and Buffy joined him.

“It’s not easy to explain, Buffy. I love Spike, both of them. I never considered getting involved with this Spike at first; he was in love with you, still is, but things changed. There’s a lot about vampires that you don’t understand; claims being one of them. When I lost my Spike it nearly killed me - seriously. There’s a link between us, and when it was severed it affected my health. One of the other Spikes I met up with helped me. He gave me his blood.”

Buffy scrunched up her nose in a classic ‘eeew’ face and Xander smiled softly at her.

“I knew you wouldn’t get it. The point is, when I got back here I was okay for a little while because of what that other Spike had done for me. Then it started again; it might have been worse because I had been practicing with my power as well, but I’m not sure. Spike… he cut himself - now that I think of it, it was probably on purpose which means he somehow knew before I told him, and boy are we going to have words about that - and I took his blood. That was the beginning. Then there was the incident where he bit me - you remember I told you about that?”

“Yeah. So what? That made it final? He drank from you and that’s it? You’re mated?”

“Well, yeah. I mean, there were words and all that with the other Spike, but we knew we were doing it - claiming each other. This was sort of an accident. It wasn’t complete either. Not until… ”

“I get it! No need for details! Um, when did you … complete it?”

“The morning after I went to L.A. I came home and ran into Anya; she told me what happened, what you said to him. I looked for him all night but finally gave up and went home - he was already there.”

“Oh.”

“I didn’t do this to hurt you, Buffy, I did this because I love him. Because he was hurting - you have no idea what you did to him that night - and because I wanted him. It would have happened sooner but he was still hoping that the two of you had a chance.”

“And you were okay with that? You’re his mate, Xander, and would have just stood back and let me be with him?”

“Yes. If he was happy, if you both were happy, then yes. But that time has come and gone Buffy. I can’t do that now. Not now that we’ve completed the bond. It would destroy me.”

Buffy shook her head sadly and leaned into Xander’s side. Xander put his arm around her and squeezed.

“I really screwed up, didn’t I?”

“Yeah, Buff. You did.”

“I’ve lost any chance I ever had with him, I know I told him it was over, that we could never be together, but I was scared. I loved Angel and looked how that ended. Every time we see each other we cause the other pain. Then Riley; I pushed him away because I was afraid to let him in. Now I’ve done it again with Spike. Am I ever going to find the right guy, Xander? Or have I already found him and let him go?”

“Nah, you’ll find him. The right guy is out there; you just have to wait till he finds you. Or maybe…”

Xander trailed off and grinned at her.

“You ever think about switching teams, Buff? That Kennedy seems to have taken a shine to you.”

Xander ducked as Buffy threw a playful punch at him.

“Go home to your vampire, Xander. Things got a bit out of control tonight; there was an incident with Robin…”

Xander tensed and turned cold eyes on Buffy.

“He’s fine. Robin’s mother was Spike’s second slayer, he was looking for a little payback; he didn’t get it. Spike could have killed him, but he didn’t. He won’t try it again, I made sure of that.”

“Thanks, Buff. I’ll see you tomorrow. Oh, and tell Robin, that if he does try again, he better learn to like Cat-Chow.”

Xander jumped back into the car and drove away. Buffy shook her head and stood up. She looked up at her front door and wondered if she had done the right thing by not telling Xander about Giles’ involvement.

“My life just keeps getting more and more complicated. Things were so much simpler when I was dead.”

Part 39

When Xander got home, he found Spike sitting on the sofa and staring at the television. He had a half-full bottle of beer in his hand, but it looked as though he had been holding it for some time. Xander sat next to him and gently removed the bottle and set it on the coffee table. Spike turned his head and looked at him.

“Things go alright in L.A.?”

“Yeah, fine. How was your night?”

Spike barked out a bitter-sounding laugh and shook his head.

“Peachy. Had a nice trip down memory lane, nearly killed Buffy’s boss, and oh yeah - got the trigger taken care of.”

“Er, that’s… good?”

Spike snorted.

“Yeah, well, I’m my own man again. No more being the First’s bitch.”

“What was the trigger?”

“A song my mum used to sing to me. Was her favorite.”

Xander took Spike’s hand and intertwined their fingers. He knew that this had to be hard on him.

“You alright?”

“Fine.”

“And Wood?”

“I let him live. On account of I killed his mother.”

“The slayer back in the seventies?”

“One and the same. Bugger tried to off me tonight. I walked him home - he led me into his garage to kill me; it was full of crosses. He played the song. Unleashed the beast in me.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah. Made me relive my first night as a vampire. I sired my mum, she was sickly and I wanted to make her better, stronger, like me. I killed her, gave her a demon, and then I had to dust her.”

Xander didn’t know what to say to Spike. Sure, he had dusted his best friend - a boy he was in love with but didn’t have the guts to tell him. But to have to stake his own mother?”

“I never was a good demon - too soft. Angelus always knew; he saw right through me. I became Spike to erase the man that I was, the man who even as a vampire wanted his mother. He never called me Spike - always William. I hated him for it. For reminding me of who I was, of what I had done. The things she said to me, Xander. They were horrible.”

“Shh. It wasn’t her. It was the demon; your mother loved you. I’m sure of it.”

Xander pulled Spike into his arms and held him. The vampire went willingly. He knew that Xander wouldn’t judge him for his weakness, for needing the comfort of being held.

“She did. I figured that out tonight. All these years I’ve been carrying that around with me, thinking that my mum didn’t love me. The First used that, got inside my head and brought out all that rage and anger.”

“But it can’t now? The trigger is inactive?”

“Yeah. It’s gone. I know now that that wasn’t my mum that said those things to me. I’ve made peace with my past.”

“I’m glad. You want me to turn him into a kitten? You could bet him in a poker game and purposely lose.”

Spike chuckled.

“Nah, pet. Bloke did me a favor actually. I guess I owe him for making me figure things out. ’Sides, Buffy’s right pissed with him; he’s blown his chance with her - should be punishment enough.”

They sat in silence for a little while, Xander holding Spike to him and running his hands up and down the vampire’s back in a soothing motion. It was comfortable, relaxing. Spike shifted a bit till he could look up at Xander. He smiled at him as their eyes met, and slowly leaned in to kiss him.

The kiss was soft, a mere brushing of lips. When it was finished, Xander licked his lips and grinned.

“That was nice.”

“It was. Let’s go to bed, love. I want you.”

“Okay.”

They turned off the television and the few lights that were on. Xander locked the door as Spike emptied the remainder of his beer into the kitchen sink. There was no mad dash for the bedroom. No frantic kissing and pulling at clothes. It was routine - domestic. The bedroom door closed and they both helped the other to undress. There were kisses and soft words of love exchanged and when they were finally naked, they climbed into bed and reached for each other.

Lying on their sides, face to face, they held each other and kissed softly. It wasn’t about passion this time, it was about love. It was Spike finally accepting that he was loved by Xander, no matter what happened. The world could end tomorrow, but tonight they had each other and that was enough. More than enough; it was everything.

Spike withdrew from the kiss and buried his face into Xander’s neck. He sucked on his mark and then kissed his way up to his ear. He ran his tongue along the shell of his mate’s ear and then nipped the soft lobe.

“I want you to take me, Xander. I’m ready. Make me yours.”

Xander moaned at the husky tone of his lover’s voice.

“Are you sure?”

“Very sure. I want this, love. I want you.”

“Okay.”

Xander rolled them over so that he was on top of the smaller man and resumed kissing him. He really liked kissing Spike; it was something they hadn’t done very much of before the other night, but after the first night that Spike had taken him against the bedroom door, they had shared a lot of kisses.

Xander reached blindly for the nightstand and managed to get the drawer open and find the lube while never leaving Spike’s lips. He opened the tube and squeezed some out onto Spike’s belly. The vampire jumped slightly at the cold sensation on his skin but quickly forgot about it as Xander moved his lips across his cheek and down to his neck.

As he licked and kissed and sucked on the pale skin of Spike’s throat, Xander coated one of his fingers in the puddle of lube and gently began circling Spike’s pucker. After a moment he slowly inserted it.

“This okay?”

“Yeah, love. S’good. More.”

Xander withdrew the finger and returned it a moment later with another one. He began to slowly pump them in and out of his lover, stretching him carefully. He twisted them suddenly and Spike arched off the bed.

“Fuck! There again! Do that again!”

Xander smiled and repeated the action, rubbing his fingers over Spike’s sweetspot. He lowered himself so that he was lying between the vampire’s spread legs and could watch his fingers as they disappeared into his mate’s body again and again. Spike was purring and thrashing his head on the pillow.

“More, Xander! Please!”

Xander added another finger and at the same time moved up so that he could take Spike’s cock into his mouth. The dual sensations were too much for Spike and he vamped out and screamed as he came. Xander swallowed everything and continued to finger-fuck his lover as he brought him to full hardness again with his lips and tongue.

“Are you ready for me, Spike?”

“Yes, love. Ready. Now.”

Xander slicked himself against Spike’s stomach and then positioned his cockhead at Spike’s opening. He locked eyes with his mate and then slowly pushed inside.

“I love you.”

“Love you too, pet.”

Spike wrapped his legs around Xander’s waist as the man slowly thrust in and out. The heat was like nothing he had ever felt before. He could feel Xander’s pulse beating inside of him, as if they were one being.

Xander never wanted this feeling to end; this connection he felt with the blond was overwhelming. He leaned forward further and captured Spike’s mouth with his own, kissing him deeply as he continued to make love to him. He didn’t care what problems tomorrow brought because right here, right now, everything was perfect. Spike was perfect.

“You are so perfect, Spike. So right and beautiful. I love you. So much.”

Spike closed his eyes and felt his chest constrict with emotion. He had never felt so cherished and loved as he did at this moment, with this man. He knew then, that no matter what the future held, whatever happened when the other Spike came back, he would still be wanted by Xander, would still be loved. It was enough to bring tears to his eyes.

Xander saw the tears as they leaked from the corners of Spike’s eyes. He kissed them away gently and then kissed each closed eyelid.

“Spike?”

“M’fine, love. Just… that was … no one has ever said such things to me. Thank you.”

Spike leaned up and pressed their lips together again. Xander smiled into the kiss and reached between them to grasp Spike’s erection in his fist. He felt like he had been hard forever and desperately needed to cum. He wanted his mate to cum with him.

“Can’t last much longer, Spike. You feel too good. Cum with me; I want to feel your muscles as they squeeze me tight.”

“Fuck, keep talking like that and I will.”

Xander chuckled and picked up his pace slightly. He kissed Spike again as he shifted slightly to make sure he was hitting the vampire’s prostate on every thrust. Spike growled and bucked up to meet each thrust as Xander began to pound into him harder and faster. Spike’s eyes bled to yellow, his fangs dropped and his ridges came out. Xander purposely nicked his tongue on one sharp canine and thrust his tongue deep into his lover’s mouth. Spike sucked on it eagerly as he bucked and thrashed underneath him. Finally, he released Xander’s lips and tongue and roared as he came.

Xander watched his lover’s face as his eyes flew open in unseeing ecstasy. He felt Spike’s muscles clamp down hard on his shaft as Spike roared and spilled over his fist. It was too much and Xander threw his own head back as he came inside of his mate for the first time, claiming him as his own. He collapsed on Spike’s chest, panting for breath. He felt Spike’s arms come up around him even as his legs flopped down to the bed.

“Bloody hell, Xander. That was amazing. I could feel your heart beat inside me.”

“Mmm.”

“You’re so damn warm, too.”

“Mmm.”

Spike chuckled softly and hugged his mate tight.

“That all you can say, love?”

“Nope. Love you.”

“I love you too, Xander. Thank you.”

Xander lifted his head and looked into Spike’s eyes. He frowned a bit and then asked,

“What for?”

“For accepting me. For loving me. Even when I’m acting like a git. I’m sorry about the other night; I was being an ass.”

Xander was still confused. Then realization dawned on him.

“Oh, you mean when you walked away from me right after the blowjob without so much as a kiss or a thank you?”

“Yeah. I’m sorry about that.”

“I’m not. It got us here didn’t it? I mean, if I hadn’t been a little pissed at you, I wouldn’t have made that crack about Angel, and you wouldn’t have stormed in here and taken me against the door. True?”

“True.”

“So it’s all good then. No regrets.”

“None at all.”

“Not even Buffy?”

Xander had to be sure that Spike was okay with not ever being with her again. He needed to know that it was over from Spike’s perspective, as well.

“Not even Buffy. She’d never love me the way you do, the way I wanted her to. When she looks at me, she’ll always see the vampire who tried to force her to love him - the monster who tried to kill her again and again. She’s a slayer; I’m a demon. It would never have lasted. I still love her, Xander. But I’m no longer in love with her.”

Xander rolled off of Spike and pulled the smaller man into his arms. He tilted his head up and kissed him. When he pulled away he smiled.

“I’m glad you’re not in love with Buffy anymore. I understand that you love her; I do too, but I’m not in love with her either. I’m in love with you.”

Spike’s shocked expression made Xander laugh and he rolled out of bed and pulled Spike to his feet.

“Come on, we’re in desperate need of a shower. I’ll wash your back if you do mine?”

Spike nodded and followed him into the bathroom - a goofy smile on his face.

Part 40

Things were going to hell. There was a new player in town; a preacher, named Caleb. He sent Buffy a calling card in the form of a half-dead potential. She had an interesting scar burned into her neck.

Buffy had been fired from her job as counselor at Sunnydale high - something about being where she was needed the most, and the kids all skipping anyway. Xander was pretty sure it had more to do with Robin using what little control he had over Buffy to prove a point to her. Either way, it didn’t matter; people were starting to pull out of Sunnydale like rats leaving a sinking ship and Buffy was needed at home.

So here they all were, gathered at Buffy’s house and about to go into battle. Caleb said he had something that belonged to Buffy and she was dead set on getting it - whatever it was - back. Which was why Xander was now giving the S.I.T.s a lesson in weaponry and where to hit to cause the most damage.

“Now remember, we’re looking for killing blows only, people. So, chest and throat if it’s a vampire. Stomach, chest and face if it’s a Bringer.”

“What if it’s something else?”

“Could happen. Something otherworldly. And here’s a handy rule: don’t go for the flashy tentacles just because they’re waving ’em about trying to get attention. Go for the center - brains, heart, eyes. Everything’s got eyes.”

Dawn spoke up from the corner of the room.

“Except the Bringers.”

Xander nodded his agreement.

“Except the Bringers.”

“I don’t want there to be tentacles. I’m not good with squishy.”

One of the potentials - Xander couldn’t remember her name.

“I don’t care if it’s Godzilla. I want to get this thing.”

Kennedy. She was all warrior, that one. If anyone was taking this whole calling thing seriously, it was she. She would be a good slayer someday. When she realized it wasn’t about the fight, it was about what she was fighting for.

“Godzilla’s mostly Tokyo-based, so he’s probably a no-show.”

Xander turned to look at Andrew and shook his head sadly. He wondered how much like him he might have turned out if it weren’t for Buffy opening his eyes to the real world around him and giving him a purpose. He couldn’t help but take Andrew’s side after Rona started in on how Matthew Broderick killed Godzilla so he couldn’t be all that tough.

“Matthew Broderick did not kill Godzilla. He killed a big, dumb lizard. That was not the real Godzilla.”

Rona started a whole big conversation on how they were all nuts, that she came here for protection not to go looking for the bad guy in his own lair. Xander reminded her that she signed on to fight - that they all did. Then he started to tell them a little bit about Buffy - about the slayer who had died twice to save the world, and about the girl who held the lives of her friends and family above everyone else’s, including her own.

“I’ve been through more battles with Buffy than you all can ever imagine. She’s stopped everything that’s ever come up against her. She’s laid down her life - literally - to protect the people around her. This girl has died two times, and she’s still standing. You’re scared? That’s smart. You got questions? You should. But you doubt her motives? You think Buffy’s all about the kill? Then you take the little bus to battle. I’ve seen her heart, and this time - not literally. And I’m telling you right now, she cares more about your lives than you will ever know. You gotta trust her. She’s earned it.”

“Damn, B. I never knew you were that cool.”

Everyone turned to see Buffy and Faith standing in the doorway. Xander smiled at the look of honest love and friendship on her face.

“Well, you always were a little slow.”

“I get that now.”

Buffy turned and addressed the room.

“All right, let’s saddle up.”

The walk to the old vineyard was quiet and tense. Buffy and Faith took point, the S.I.T.s in the middle and Xander and Spike brought up the rear. They were all nervous; this was the first time the girls were going into battle and for all his faith in Buffy and her abilities, Xander didn’t like the situation at all. It smelled like a trap.

“Spike, I don’t like this. It’s too easy.”

“Yeah. Seems like it, doesn’t it? You want me to talk to Buffy? See if she’ll pull out?”

“Would it do any good? She’s hell-bent on this, Spike. Whatever it is this guy has, Buffy wants it.”

“All right. We follow the slayer into battle, then. But, Xander? Don’t die on me.”

“Same goes for you. You be careful.”

“I will.”

Spike kissed Xander and headed off to the front of the group with Buffy. Buffy turned and looked over the group.

“Okay. Set up a perimeter. Guard the door. I don’t want anything getting in behind us. My team goes in first; we check the place out. You guys are our safety net. If this place is a trap, we give the signal, you guys come in, guns a-blazing.”

Xander cleared his throat and waved his hand at Buffy to get her attention.

“So, what’s the signal?”

“I’m thinking lots and lots of yelling.”

“Got it.”

Buffy turned and led her team inside. Xander stood outside the door, waiting for the signal - hoping it didn’t come. He felt a charge in the air around him - one he had come to associate with Anya when she ‘popped’ in on him. He turned around to greet her with a smile and it dropped off his face as he saw Halfrek standing there.

“What the hell do you want?”

“Vengeance. What else is there in life?”

“You’ve had yours, now fuck off.”

Xander turned away from Hallie and hoped to God that she would just go away. He didn’t have time for that.

“Is that what you really think? That you suffered enough for what you did to Anyanka?”

“Anya has forgiven me for leaving her at the altar. She’s a happy little vengeance demon again and all is right with her world, so your need to avenge her is misplaced.”

“Is that what you think? You think this was about you not marrying her? Honestly. It was never about that. It was about you ruining her. You made her human, all of you with your little plans and spells and smashing her amulet. You took her away from me, and then you made her want that existence. Teaching her to love and be happy and how to fit into society. You ruined her.”

Xander was honestly confused. He had no idea what Halfrek was talking about.

“Look. I’m extremely busy right now. My friend and my lover are both inside fighting big evil. Can we do this later?”

“No. We can’t. Do you realize it’s been weeks since Anyanka has granted a wish? And the last one she did grant? Hrumph; the woman wished her husband to be turned into a frog. Do you know what Anyanka did? Well, do you? She made him French. From France. Not a single wart or anything. You made her soft. D’Hoffryn is not going to put up with that kind of behavior. He’ll replace her, and you don’t want to know what they do to defunct vengeance demons.”

“So, let me get this straight. You cursed me because I loved Anya, not because I left her?”

Xander crossed his arms over his chest and glared at her.

“Yes. Your love made her want mortality, if you had only acted like a man and used her for your own sexual pleasure and then discarded her, she would have returned to the fold years ago and none of this would have happened.”

“So, what do you want me to do about it?”

“Make a wish. Wish that you had done just that. I’ll even let you remember enough of this timeline to leave Buffy dead and buried so none of this will happen. It’s your decision. Your happiness or the world’s safety.”

Xander looked around him at the frightened girls in his care and then back toward the door where Buffy and Spike and the others had gone. He could spare them all this horrifying ordeal. All it would cost him would be Buffy and his mates. They could lose this battle and the whole world would suffer, or he could agree - make the wish - and get to start over. It was a hell of a decision to have to make. Keep his mates, let Buffy live and possibly set the First Evil loose on the world, or give up Spike - both of them - and leave Buffy to rest in peace, and possibly save the world.

Xander knew what the right thing to do was? Buffy wasn’t supposed to be alive; the world shouldn’t have to suffer because of his and Willow’s mistake. If he did the right thing, he would lose his mates, but his happiness would be a small price to pay for the world’s safety. He took a deep breath, looked Halfrek straight in the eye and spoke.

“I’ve made a decision.”