FUN THEA
By Mouse & Bridie
~Xander, casually walking into the crypt without knocking.~
Hey, Spike! Theres a car
parked outside your crypt. Spike, howd a car get in the cemetary outside your crypt? Something you want to tell your young, non-pal, Xander?
~Gorgeous blonde vampire, looking up from a nudie mag.~
Ya might try knockin first, nitwit
what if Id been havin me a nice shag
or givin meself a seein to? What the hell happened to manners these days? Any event
yeah, thats me wheels out there
tits, innit?
~Frown of disgust.~
Okaaaaaay
that is so much more information than was required for this moment. A simple Knock next time. would have been sufficient. And somehow
being lectured on manners from the no longer so evil undead
not having quite the impact on the Xandman.
~Flopping down in the beatup recliner.~
Tits? Never heard a car called that
but, whatever floats your boat. Very cherry rod ya got there. Now spill
whod you steal it from?
Didnt nick it, ya ninny. I won it playin poker. Have you any idea how many kittens I had to collect to get dealt in on that game? Bloody Drethlarsh demons play hardball
literally
Lost thirty eight tabbys to him last month alone! About bloody time I got mine
tell ya
So ya fancy my cherry rod, eh? Tell ya what Shaggs, ya ever want a ride the cherry rod, ya let Uncle Spike know
Take right good care o ya, I will.
~Raised eyebrow.~
~Responded to with two raised eyebrows and a look of shocked disgust.~
Uncle Spike? Ewwww
family reference
age difference
sex sameness
definitely not of the good. Probably of the illegal
somewhere.
~Shudder
thoughtful look
shudder.~
Is your mind always in the gutter? Wait. Dont answer that Im psychic.
~Settles sideway into the chair, looking awfully comfortable for a human in a vampires crypt.~
So
Fangless
thats quite the chick-magnet you got out there
but tell me
Whos Thea?
~Cheeky grin.~
Yanno
yer a tosser
but thats beside the point, innit? So ya think my rides a chick-magnet
well, let me impart some knowledge, Droops
My rides an everyone magnet. Yeah
heh. An dunno what the bloody hell ya mean by Thea.
~Eyeing him over the nudie mag.~
Am not? Wait
whats a tosser?
~Shakes his head as if to dismiss the thought.~
Wait
everyone? You mean you
you know.
~Makes a sideways motion with both hands, frowning at the vampires blank look.~
You *know* what I mean!
~Still no response.~
You swing both ways?
I dont swing anythin! Whats wrong with you, Droops? Ya daft? Oh
swing
ahh
bat for both teams? Heh
Was referrin to demons of all types
but yer a poofter, an I understand why ya went there. So
You tell me, what ya think? Picture me a receiver? A tight end? Or am I drivin it home with the wicked up thrust, hmmm? What ya think? Do tell me what ya see in that little brain o yers, pet. What am I doin up there?
~Nudie mag down, full attention on the boy.~
~The boy in question pulls his legs around and stares at Spike seriously.~
Having a thought here.
~Nods slowly.~
O.K., youre small, compact
Im thinking youre the girl
yeah
definitely on the bottom.
~Nervous cough.~
So to speak.
Oi! Oi! The girl, am I??
~Takes a minute looking down at the ground.~
An all because Im not built like a linebacker, eh? Nevermind my slinky animalistic physique, right? No matter
So what position, then?
Uh
were talking guys here
theres only the one, you perv
or was that a trick question? Uh
hadnt really gotten that far with the visual
and hey!
~Blushing.~
Note: A confused state of mind acts upon the sympathetic nervous system. From there, the vasodilators are stimulated which causes the peripheral capillaries to expand. As a result, more blood flows to the surface of the face and neck, resulting in the reddening of the face and neck. Is it any wonder Spike likes to make him blush??
Get the vampire porn out of my head! Cut that out! There will be no positions! No slinking! Geez
can we get through one conversation without taking a tour of the gutter that is your mind?
What ya lookin at me for? You brought it up
Dunno what yer squawkin on
So what ya here for, Shaggs? Tryin to learn about all the different positions two blokes can accomplish? One
please, be real mate.
What?!!
~Deer in the headlights look.~
I did not bring up gay vampires! I was just talking about the stupid car and stupid Thea, and you got all
Forum Letter on me. Im
~Sitting up straight and pointing to himself.~
Im the innocent here. Non-kinky human here.
Yeah, right
yer the innocent non-kinky one, except that tent in yer trousers is threatenin to poke me in the eye any minute
But well jes gloss over that lil fact, yeh? So
What about the car? An who is this bleedin Thea ya keep talkin up?
~Shifting uncomfortably, then looking up defensively.~
Hey! Im a teenage guy
looking at linoleum makes me horny
its not my fault! Its your fault. Youre evil
yeah yeah
you know, I know
everybody knows. And Im asking you
whos Thea? The stupid license plate on your stupid car has some stupid girls name on it
says Fun Thea.
~Trying to leer
looking a bit constipated.~
And was she really fun?
Ha! Bloody hell
THEA
Hahaha! Yer one of a kind, Shaggs
yanno that? So
Thea
Well, thats my little secret, innit? Considerin Im such an evil wrong-doer
an how everyone knows Im one
Maybe I play up the part a bit, eh?
Why is that so funny? Just some girls name
right? Do I know her?
Hey
got a brilliant thought
Call Angel ask him what it means, yeah? Go head
go on, give hair-boy a ring
Ask him what FUN THEA means.
~Looking triumphant.~
You think I wont, dont you?
~Pulls out a cell phone and grins at Spike.~
You think I dont have the
uh
whatd you call em? Wrinklies
thats it. You think I dont have the wrinklies to call Deadboy
is that it? Well, Alexander Harris does not know fear
well thats not true
I know fear
intimately
Im dating Anya. But thats beside the point. Gonna call your bluff, Spike.
~Pause.~
Its ringing
This is Xander, Deadboy, who is fun Thea?
And hello to you, Xander. Im sure I dont have anything more important to do than play guessing games, but in the interest of time, I give. Whos fun Thea?
Okay
and whos on first to you too. Look
its like this. Spike won this great car in some twisted kitten poker game, and its got this personalized license plate frame. It says FUN THEA
I keep asking him who Thea is, and he wont say, but he more or less dared me to call you and ask you
so. There you have it. Now whos Thea???
Fun Thea, is it?
~Laughing loudly and trailing off into a giggle.~
Hmm
You know, Xander, as much as I want to help you out here, I have no idea what it means. Really. Just none at all. Fun Thea
Thats great
but no
no idea.
~Giggling secretively again.~
Right
Im feeling the sincerity here, Deadboy.
~Thrusting phone at Spike.~
Here. You talk to him. He says he doesnt have a clue. And hes giggling
do you have any idea how disturbing that is?
Hello, lover.
Gods
ah
hello, Will.
~Sound of something breaking
pause.~
Sounds like youve got his tiny brain spinning. Should I thank you now or later for having that idiot call me?
~A soft groan.~
Yeah, pet
Ill take me lumps later, right?
~Clearing throat.~
Damn
ya always know jes what to say, dontcha? Any event
yeah Shaggs all a flutter over me new wheels
Cant seem to work out the plate, though. heh. Had to share the entertainment with ya
wouldnt leave ya out, now would I?
I know what to do, too. At least where youre concerned. Or so you tell me
while you can still talk that is. That what you want, Will? Want to see exactly how much fun Thea can stand? I can imagine that hot little car the boys drooling over. Steers well around the curves? Im more than a little interested to see how your new purchase handles. When are you coming to L.A. to give me a show?
Bloody hell, Angel
Bloody effin hell! Unholy Bloody effin hell! Now I got an hour an a half drive ahead o me, with a god damned high rise in me trousers!
So yeah
see ya in a few hours, then? Ya show me all ya jes said, eh? Well do some Fun Thea
Bloody hell
bloody effin hell
~Panting slightly and shaking head.~
~Angel laughing.~
You deserve it! Having that witless twerp call me
he must be about five different shades of red if hes still standing there. Tell me
his mouth is open
gaping like a fish, isnt he? I swear, I dont know how the boys survived this long. You should have eaten him when I offered him to you that first time.
~Sound of chair creaking.~
And youre in good company
Im very ready for a visit with you. Ill show you every damn option on that car, and then well make up some of our own. Now tell that dolt what Fun Thea is so you can tell me how gobsmacked he looks, then get your ass over here.
~Groan.~
An hour and a half?
~Growl.~
Drive. Now. Come on, Will
just
come on.
Crikey! Could get me nut jes hearin that! Yeah
reckon I had it comin. Though yer sposed to be all Noble an Soul havin
kinda wrong o you to prey on someones weakness like that
Ya naughty thing
Hmmm
~Another quiet moan
~
Right
well, best be off. Let Shaggs know what the plate means
an yeah, love
ya pegged the picture spot on
heh
like a fish
See ya soon
an think o all the ways ya can ride Thea
Right.
~Laughter.~
Youre the evil one, Im the good one. Thanks for the reminder, Will. And dont worry
I plan on breaking in Thea right
you know
start off slow
let the engine warm up a bit
my hand on the shaft
pop that clutch
and let it go.
~Sound of
a head hitting a wooden desk. Voice lower now.~
Drive
just
drive, dammit!
Holy Mother of God, man! Focus
focus
Im sayin this out loud, arent I? Right
Thea
Kid
Tell
Drive
Bloody hell
FOCUS! Love you, bastard
see you in a bit.
~Snaps phone shut
stares at Xanpet.~
Right
lets hurry this along, yeah?
What ya need to do is separate the letters.
You.
~Gulp.~
He.
~Blush.~
You and Angel.
~Mouth open again.~
You both
What? Bloody hell
BREATHE! Cant do CPR here, mate! BREATHE, XANDER!!
Cmon pet
in a little
out a little
cmon
whats wrong with you? Yer turnin purple!
~Huge breath.~
You and Angel are
~Voice cracking.~
Fucking!
~Voice slipping into awe.~
Positions
more than one
you and
Angel
oh god.
No
we *could* be, if youd start breathin!!
~Eyes on the boy, watching him take in great gulps of air.~
Oh
heh
got a visual, did ya? So
arse up, or flat on the back? Hmm
ats a good one
Angel wearin me ankles as earrings
hmm
always did like the way my knees looked over his shoulders
yeah
so more than one position
love, there are too many to count
Now
back to Fun Thea
Ya work out what it means yet?
You put naked vampires in my head! How am I supposed to focus on some stupid license plate with naked vampires in my head??? Ankles? Earrings? Oh god
Im going to hell
no
Im there already
and youre the devil.
~Sits down, head in hands.~
Fine
fun Thea
fun Thea
funthea
nope
shit. Youd have to be kinda
flexible
I am
sos Angel
Now
break the letters apart, nimrod.
~Standing impatiently with arms crossed over his chest, staring at the whelp.~
Break
ahh
right. Okay
I can do this
F U N
hey! I get it
no, wait
fuck you in Thea? Please please please
tell me
maybe it will get the bad pictures out of my head
just tell me!!!!
Oh BUGGER!
~Grabs a pencil and starts scribbling quickly, holds up the paper.~
Get it now, Wanker?
F U N THE A.
~Xander reads, eyes widening in realization.~
You have a license plate that stands for fuck you in the ass?? Im never ever going to be able to look at your car again without thinking
any car without thinking
bad thoughts
oh man
why couldnt it just have been kittens? Thats a nice, safe double entendre
but no
screw you! Stop smirking at me. Go! Go have fun with Thea
what the hell
tell Deadboy I said hi. No
tell him I said I saw him as the bottom
yeah
tell him that. Ill start running now.
HA! Wait till I tell ya what Angel said about the car
no
no
wait
ya gotta hear this
where ya goin? Shaggs? Come ere! Come back!
~Staring off after Xanders trail of dust. Shrugs. Goes out to the everyone-magnet and pats it fondly on the hood.~
Cmon Thea
gonna put you in gear, old girl
were gonna get us some of that fun
THE END
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