~*~*~*~ Title: Cactus Candy (from the late 1990s) Author/pseudonym: Squidgie (Walter H. Hopgood) Email address: walterh@squidge.org Rating: NC-17 (well, almost) Pairings: J/B Status: NEW Date: 5/3/98 Archive: YES to Merry and Michelle Archive author: Squidgie Archive email address: walterh@squidge.org Series/Sequel: None Other website: http://www.meer.net/~walterh/walter/ Disclaimers: I don't own Jim or Blair - they're owned by UPN and Pet Fly. However, I *do* make many trips up to Vancouver. I *did* have my suitcase when I ran into a couple of the guys in Vancouver, but didn't get close enough to judge size. I ain't making any money off of this, and besides, it's *Pumpkin's* fault, not mine!!!!! Not beta'd (too damn silly to have been) but has been spell checked and double-checked. Notes: This is my response to the recent "Turn Blair into a giant pink ostrich and have Taggart eat him" challenge that was put forth by Pumpkin. This is *NOT* my fault!!! Summary: It's just a Jim and Blair story (with lots of silliness) Warnings: Unresolved sexual situation, drug use, childhood-tv-heroes, and candymaking all put to shame. :) ~*~*~*~ The solitary figure walked slowly through the precinct, ignoring the looks and gasps that seemed to follow him around each corner. He ventured forth, entering the major crimes area, and noisily dropped his backpack in front of the desk of one James Ellison. "SANDBURG!!! ... Ewww...." A pair of cerulean eyes rolled back in their owner's head, not wanting to answer the question that awaited him. "*Nice to see you, Jim*." "Sandburg, sarcasm does *not* become you. And neither does that shade of pink." Jim turned his sense of smell down, after determining where it was emanating from. "I won't even ask you what that smell is." A soft chuckle rounded the small office. "So, what the hell happened to you? And what are you doing back early?" Sighing heavily, Blair began delivering the practiced speech that he'd worked on during the cab ride and walk from the airport. "Well, if you'd look at your calendar, you would notice the date. Can you tell me what day it is, Jim?" "It's the ninth. And you're not due back until the tenth, tomorrow." "No, it's the tenth. Jim, what day of the week is this?" "Tuesday." "No, Jim, it's Wednesday. Remember Wednesday? That day that you and I set aside for you to COME PICK ME UP?!?!" Jim flinched. "Ouch. I'm sorry, gup. Without you here to keep me on track the last few days, I've been kind of out of it." Noticing Taggart taking out a can of Lysol and spraying the area around his desk, he added quietly, "What happened to you? You want to shower and change?" A cry of frustration escaped Blair's lips. "I don't want to talk about it. I just want to go home, get in the shower-" "Whoa there, Chief! You're not getting in *my* truck smelling like that. You can get a shower here." "Fine." Blair began rummaging through his bag. "You got any clothes here that I can borrow? All of mine are dirty from the trip. Good thing this bag is waterproof, though." He lifted out some clothes, soiled only by his sweat from his journey, followed by a trinket that he intended to give to Jim, and a green container. "Here," he said, handing over the artifact. "Brought you this back." "What is it?" "I'll explain later. It's a little puzzle." "Oh. And what's in the container?" Jim picked it up, trying to smell the contents through the plastic barrier. "That," explained Blair, "is a kind of candy. It's made of some sort of cactus. One of the villagers I worked with for a couple of days gave it to me before I left. She said I'd like it." Jim opened the container slightly. The green of the container lent itself to the contents, already a light shade of green. "They don't smell too good, Chief. You want me to toss them?" "No, no, they're fine," explained Blair. "I had one on the train. Well, a piece of one. They're OK - not that sweet. I like my candy a little sweeter." Blair searched, pulling a pink pair of sweats from his bag that didn't seem too rank. Grinning eyes greeted the sight of the shirt. "What happened to your clothes, Chief?" "Laundry mix-up. You remember Bart?" "What, the little idiot that went on the expedition with you and the team? Little guy? Pointy hair?" Blair tsked in disgust. "Yeah, that's the one. He got his 'lucky red hat' dirty on one of the trips, so he tossed it in with the laundry on one of the trips back to civilization to get supplies - *my* laundry. My *WHITE* laundry." It seemed this was Jim's day to catch up on his quota of laughs. He's been a bear for the last week while Blair had been gone, but he was making up for it now. "Sorry, Chief. Can't help you in that department. My locker's clean." "Fine." He put the pink sweats to his nose, deciding the strong aroma wasn't as bad as what he smelled of right then. "These'll have to do. Just get me to the showers." Blair dropped his backpack on the side of Jim's desk, ignoring the puzzle and open container of candy. As they passed Taggart's desk, he looked shocked as Joel aimed the can of Lysol at him, threateningly. He stopped following Jim, and went to Taggart's side. "What is it, guy?" He tried to get close to Taggart, who was eyeing him menacingly. "What, didn't you miss me? Don't I get a welcome back hug?" "Get off me, Sandburg!" The aborted hug now history, Blair gave Taggart his best pouty look. "Aww... I'm hurt! Admit it, Joel. You just love me for my chili." The expression, 'the way to a mans heart is through his stomach' was not lost on Joel Taggart. A big man, one of his main passions was good food, and Blair's chili was at the top of that list. "If it'll get me a bowl of that ostrich-meat chili, I'll hug you." He rubbed his stomach, fondly remembering the taste. "Damn! You just have to mention that stuff, and it's all I can think about for the rest of the day. You making another batch soon?" "How about Saturday night? We'll make a night of it. Give me a chance to make up some of the money I didn't win by missing the last poker party." Hunger filled Joel's eyes. "Saturday night? I'm there!" "Cool! I'll tell Jim." Sandburg moved to claim his hug, but was brushed off by the large fellow. "Hey! My hug!" "Yeah, right. Hit the showers, hairboy." A mock sigh of rejection flung itself from Blair's lungs. "Fine. Foiled again." Blair began to make his way to the back with Jim, when he turned back to Taggart and the crew. "Gents, there are some treats in my backpack and in the container on Jim's desk. I know better than to not bring you guys back treats when I head out, now." He remembered the play cold-shoulder he received when coming back from a weekend study in Colorado, empty-handed. "Have at it, boys!" ~*~*~*~*~*~* The messy clothes now safely bagged up, Jim turned to see his lover under the spray of water. He stood back, taking in the lovely view as the water spread over the sinewy body. "Damn," he said, after he was sure they were in the locker room alone. "I missed you, Chief." Blair opened his eyes, and focused on the immense body standing just outside of the shower area that was groping itself. At the sight, he felt his own cock begin to rise under the warm jets of water. "Don't do this to me, man. Not here. You don't know what being away from you for six days does to me, man!" Trying desperately to ignore his approaching lover, he recited baseball statistics, Mayan chief burial dates, anything. When he finally reopened his eyes, his lover stood dangerously close to the shower, pants down to his knees, stroking his thick cock. "I gotta have you, Chief. I can't wait to take you in my arms..." "You were willing to wait until after I'd had a shower!" His seductive concentration lost, Jim absently stroked his cock while he tried to explain himself. "Well... What do you expect?" He pulled his testicles slightly with his left hand, as his right continued to stretch his cock. "You were covered in... What exactly were you covered in?" The memory of the trip - make that ordeal - from the airport came back to him. "Well, I was so pissed that you'd forgotten, that I just grabbed a taxi and decided to come down here and bitch at you. And, I was so pissed that I forgot I only had ten bucks left, which left me-" "A couple of miles short." Jim sighed. "Jesus, Chief! You should have called." "Yeah, well, I didn't. So anyway, I told the cabbie, and he let me out a mile from the station. I figured I needed the walk, after the train ride anyway, so I hoofed it. I was making good time when my stomach started hurting - probably from that candy Yuconda made for me." Blair stopped the flow of water, noting that Jim had tucked himself back into his pants. It was only then that he'd noticed one of the Vice cops at a locker towards the end. "Anyway, I had to stop. I was *not* going to make it back here without going to the bathroom." Blair dried himself off, and put on the sweat pants and shirt Jim held for him. "So anyway, I grabbed a port-a-potty at that construction site down the road, and something freaked me. That's all." "Something freaked you? In a port-a-potty?" Jim chuckled maniacally. Blair sighed. "Jim, remember that X Files espisode that freaked me out so much? The one with the human tapeworm?" Jim recalled that episode in his mind, smiling at the memory. He loved watching the show with Blair. Besides the settings often reminding him eerily of Cascade - some reason he couldn't put his finger on it - he relished the scary episodes. Those always found Blair cuddled up next to him, shivering into Jim's side when the action with the monsters got too much. He'd never have guessed that his lover was squeamish about a television show. "Yeah?" "Remember how I vowed never to go back in one of those things?" Jim nodded. "Well, I broke that promise." He began brushing his hair, and readying himself back to being presentable in public. "I tried not to think about it, but when I was in there, I could have sworn I saw - something." "What, Chief?" Jim was trying to be sincere, but the giggles emanated from his eyes from how they sparkled, instead of coming from his lips. "That flukey thing." The locker room was filled with laughter, as Jim howled. Blair just sat back, arms crossed, as his lover settled down. He narrowed his eyes at Jim. Jim noticed, and tried to keep himself composed. Blair rushed through his next statement. "Anyway, I freaked, I went for the door, but it was locked, and I screamed, which echoed and caused me to freak more, and I pounded on the door and when it wouldn't budge I tried to lean in and ram it, and instead of opening up it tipped over and the contents spilled through the toilet and then I walked in here." He could wait. And wait he did. After a good five minutes, Jim finally was able to keep from giggling, as long as he didn't look at his partner. Blair was more embarrassed about the whole thing, and was somewhat lighthearted about the situation, but still slightly annoyed by his lover. After several false starts, with each one sending Jim into a giggle-fit, he continued. "So, what plans do we have tonight?" Jim lost a fight, letting loose a giggle. "A fluke! I'm flukeman!!!" He reached out a hand towards Blair, trying to recreate a menacing monster from a late-night B-movie scene. "Jim, this is serious!" Blair batted away the hand that toyed with him. "I *really* thought I saw something. It was almost like I was hallucinating or something." The joviality of the situation drained from Jim's face, and he looked at his lover more seriously. "Hallucinations, Chief? You need me to take you to the doctor?" "Naah." Blair tried to lighten the mood again. "Probably something I ate, you know? Just - OH SHIT!" "What is it, Chief?" Jim's eyes drew wide, as a look of terror overtook his lover face. Before Blair was able to respond, a yell came from the bullpen. "FIRE!!! EVERYONE OUT!!! FIRE!!!!" "Shit! That's Simon!" Jim grabbed Blair's arm and began running towards the main office. "Come on!" "But Jim!!!---" Jim sailed out of the locker room, just in time to see his Captain make a quick trip of the hallway, and bounded down the stairs. His sentinel senses at full alert, he began sniffing, trying to determine where the fire was. As Blair rejoined his side, he tried, but could only determine the smell of one of Simon's cigars and a recently spent match. "Jim, I think I---" Blair was cut off by Rafe, who was running at full speed after a fellow police officer in full motorcycle-cop regalia, screaming, "Ponch! Wait for me, buddy! Ponch!!! Slow down!!!!!" Pulling Blair up, Jim grabbed the pink material, almost barking at him. "What the hell's going on, Sandburg?!?!?!" "Jim, I think I know what caused that hallucination. Remember that-" Blair was cut short, as his body was thrown to the ground. He opened his eyes to see Jim stumbling backwards and tripping over a desk, as a very deranged looking Taggart sat down on Blair. "I'll make short order of you!" Taggart leaned down, his pearly teeth gleaming at Blair. "Joel, No!" He struggled. "Get off me, man!!!" Taggart cocked his head and looked at Blair curiously. "Well what do you know? This giant pink ostrich can talk! How are you today, mister ostrich?" A look of terror in Blair's eyes confirmed what he'd been hoping wasn't the case, and he began to struggle. Pinning the squirming body underneath him, Joel yelled. "Now stop that right now! You're going to make yourself all stringy and tough! I don't like my ostrich meat tough!" As the mouth opened into a wide grin, the pearly teeth almost blinded Blair. Being held by the larger man, he could do nothing but turn his head and wait for the inevitable, for Taggart to take a hunk of him. Hot breath burned his neck, and a drop of saliva dripped down onto his skin. Just before Taggart could make contact, Blair heard a loud thump, and was instantly covered by the larger man. He sat still for an instant, realizing that Taggart was not moving, and that he could not breath. Arms flailing, he screamed and rocked back and forth, trying to get the large body off of himself, when he felt his right arm being pulled. he tried to lean left, and the unconscious body of one Joel Taggart rolled off of him, as Jim pulled him up to the safety of his arms. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~* "So, Chief. You want to fill out the reports for this, or shall I?" The lovers shared an easy laugh, easing off the tension of the last couple of hours. "Oh man. I should have known." "Chief, it wasn't your fault. She didn't tell you that she used peyote, did she?" "No, but still. Damn, how could I have been so naive?" Jim put his arm around his lover, pulling him close. "Don't worry about it. Just be careful next time, OK?" "Damn straight." The doctor appeared, a grin still on his face from the tales he'd heard. "Hey! How're they gonna be, doc?" Doctor Mathews smiled. "They're gonna be just fine. I'm going to keep them under observation for the next eight hours, but I'll release them after. The peyote has been counteracted, but I still want to be sure there aren't any side effects." "Good." Jim added. "If any of them need rides home, just tell them to call us, OK?" "Will do. Oh, and Mister Sandburg? I would suggest that you dispose of the rest of that 'candy' post haste. You wouldn't want any more of these little episodes, would you? What was it again? Hallucinating a building fire from a single lit match, imagining seeing one of your childhood tv heroes, a giant pink ostrich...." "Already done, doc. Thanks." "You can go back and see them, if you wish." The pair looked at each other, then replied in unison, "Naaahhh." End
