Related Episodes: Attraction, Love Kills, Sentinel Too Part 2, Dead End on Blank Street

Alan and Veronica were buried yesterday.

We got home and Blair just -- collapsed.

He just sort of -- sank into the couch, and stopped moving, stopped responding.

At first, I left him alone, thinking he'll snap out of it in a while.

I went about the loft, taking my first good look at the place in god knew how long.

Dust bellowed from every corner, swirling off every flat surface. Dishes from long-forgotten meals sat piled haphazardly in the sink. The cupboards were bare, there was nothing in the refrigerator except for a few shrunken vegetables and a long-expired carton of milk. Laundry overflowed from the bathroom hamper, water rings clung to the sides of the bathtub, and the drains were clogged. Upstairs, the bed was unmade, clothes were strewn all over the place, and of course I had no idea when was the last time the sheets had been changed.

I rolled up my sleeves and went to work.

I started by gathering up all the garbage and taking them out. Next, I picked up all the clothes from the bedroom, stripped the bed, wrapped everything up in the sheets, and deposited them downstairs in Blair's office. Then I got out fresh sheets and made up the bed. Laundry and vacuuming could wait until later, I decided. I then set out to wash the dishes in the kitchen.

It was when I was wiping down the sink that I realized that Blair hadn't moved. At all. All the time I had been bustling around the loft, he had been sitting there on the couch, deathly still, eyes vacant, not moving, not even an inch.

I dried my hands and approached him cautiously.

"Blair?" I called out. No response.

Moving very slowly, I lowered myself onto the coffee table in front of him.

"Blair," I tried again.

He blinked. Moved his head the barest fraction of an inch.

Frowning, I reached out and touched his shoulder -- and Blair's whole body just slid forward, like a rag doll that had been shoved off balance, and threatened to tumble off the couch. I reflexively caught him in my arms -- and my heart stopped and my breath caught in my throat --

the weightlessness. the frailty. the emptiness.

Oh, lord. What had I done to him?

I cradled him in my arms and cursed the day Alan Archer re-entered my life.

~Jim and Blair in Jm's truck, driving down the street. Day.~

Blair: My point is that battling for territory is a basic instinct, even in prehistory. Weapons and the terrain have changed, but the same rules apply.

Jim: Well, that's what most people think, but primitive tribes fought for survival. You know -- food, water, their women. I mean, these gang wars today are all about pure profit, huh? That's a modern corruption, Chief.

Blair: Modern?

Jim: Yeah.

Blair: What about the Crusades? Forget about protecting the holy land from the heathens. They were motivated to control trade routes and exotic goods. It's the same thing as a drug war.

Jim: Okay, genius, let me ask you something. What dropped those stiffs today on North Chandler?

Blair: Well, that was two harpies that went to the narcs and ratted some of their own kind out and they got whacked.

Jim: Exactly. A true warrior would never betray his own brother-in-arms, especially for money.

Blair: Speaking of money... That 20 bucks you left on the counter -- I took it.

Jim: The defense rests.

(A fancy sports car pulls out in front of them, cutting them off.)

Jim: Oh, who is this horse's ass?

(The sports car takes off. Jim turns on the sirens and chases it.)

Jim: Hold on, Chief.

(They follow the car into an alley, where it stops. Jim pulls up behind it and gets out of the truck and goes towards the car, gun in hand. Blair steps out of the truck but stays besides the door.)

Jim: Get out of the car. Put your hands where I can see them.

(Man [Alan] gets out of car.)

Alan: Okay, Don't make a federal case out of this. I didn't see... Jim! Hey, Hotshot!

Jim: Oh, my god! Alan. (Alan and Jim hug) How the hell are you? You always did know how to make an entrance.

Blair: (coming away from the truck) Oh, wait a minute. Either my lectures on road rage are working or you two have met before.

Jim: Alan Archer. My partner, Blair Sandburg. (to Blair) We were in special ops together. I owe him my life.

Alan: Aw, he doesn't owe me anything. Man, it's been ten years. I mean, what are the chances of something like this happening?

Jim: Tell me about it.

Alan: Hey, no harm done. Let's have dinner -- we can catch up.

Jim: Uh, sure... When?

Alan: How about tonight?

Jim: Tonight... uh, no, not tonight. We have plans.

(Unnoticed by Alan, Blair makes a "we do?" face. Jim pulls out his card.)

Jim: Here, take my card. Give me a call, huh? We can set something up. You in town long?

Alan: Just moved here from Chicago, actually.

Jim: Really? We're neighbors then, huh? Don't be a stranger, then. Make sure you call, ok?

Alan: Sure will, Hotshot. Sure is good to see you.

Jim: Yeah. Sure is.

(Alan gets into his car and drives off. Jim stares after it.)

Blair: Jim?

Jim: Let's go, Chief.

I cursed the day Alan re-entered my life.

Blair always said my past will come back to haunt us.

He was right. So right.

I cursed my cowardice for not telling him about my past.

I cradled his limp form in my arms. Carefully, I shifted myself over to the couch and gingerly gathered him into my lap.

When, oh when, had he lost so much weight? Why didn't I notice? Since when was Blair Sandburg frail? Why did he feel so empty? Oh, what had I done to him?

His body had always been a solid weight in my arms. I could lift him, but always with some effort. It was a kind of a joke between us, to see how long I could hold him up. I remembered the first time I ever laid my hands on him -- I grabbed him by the collars and shoved him against the walls of his office. He looked straight into my eyes unflinchingly and fearlessly, and in a steady voice informed me that if I messed with him, nobody else knew what was going on with me.

Was there ever a moment when I did not love him?

Was there ever a moment when I was not drawn to him?

His deep blue eyes seemed to burn straight into my soul.

How long was it before I found myself considering him, considering...

He drew me in like a fire attracts a moth. He flowed to me like a flower turns its face to the sun.

At first I told myself I was imagining things. That he couldn't possibly be interested. But the night I got him back from Lash, he held onto me and refused to let go.

Somehow he sensed my grief and pain. Somehow he drew the worst of it away from me. He lay so peacefully and trustingly in my arms. I had never allowed myself to love a man before. I had always told myself it was just sex. With Blair sex was the last thing to fall into place. He had claimed my heart and mind and soul long before Peru.

It was inevitable. The moment I came back from that night with Laura and looked into Blair's eyes, it was like waking up from a drug-induced haze. I knew then that whatever existed between me and Laura was only illusion, and that truth was in Blair's concerned, sleepless gaze.

He tried so hard to put on a brave face. He tried so hard to pretend it didn't hurt. And he was full of genuine concern for how I was feeling.

I wanted to say I was sorry. I wanted to say I'd been a fool. I wanted to say it would never happen again. But what could I say? Neither of us had admitted we were anything more than good friends. Neither of us had any claim on the other. I hadn't done anything I was supposed to be sorry for. I hadn't done anything that wasn't supposed to happen.

I listened as Blair laid out his theory about pheromones. Pheromones. What was I, some kind of primitive beast driven solely by its instincts?

But even as I thought that, I was taking in Blair's scent. Sorting out the multiple layers of it, filing each and every nuance away in my memory. Keying my body to respond to that, and only to that.

Laura was an illusion. Blair was the truth.

One day, when Blair wasn't hurting, one day, when Laura was a dim memory in a far corner of both our minds, I would taste the truth -- so I promised myself.

When I found Laura in the hotel room, I felt -- nothing. When she kissed me, all that entered my mind was -- this is not Blair. I pretended to go along with her long enough to get the cuffs on her. As I called Simon to arrange for her transport, I felt a deep sense of relief wash over me.

I could control this thing.

I have controlled this thing.

It turned out to be so easy, not to let my body betray Blair.

If only it had been so easy to control my heart, too.

If only I had told him, when he first asked...

~Loft. Night. Jim and Blair walk in the front door. They hang up their jackets, put away their bags, etc. Jim goes over to the answering machine and presses "play."~

Alan: (on answering machine) Hey, Hotshot. That was a ball, running into you like that today, huh? Give me a call, and we'll get together, ok? Number is 554-2146. Chao.

(Jim crosses his arms and stares at answering machine.)

Blair: Are you going to call him?

Jim: I don't know, Chief.

Blair: (opens refrigerator) Want a beer?

Jim: uh, sure.

(Blair comes into living area with two beers and hands one to Jim as they both settle down onto the couch.)

Blair: So what's the story with Alan?

Jim: Why do you think there's a story?

(Blair raises eyebrows.)

Jim: (sighs) All right, there's a story.

(Pause.)

Blair: Well?

(Jim sits there, sipping beer.)

Blair: If you can't tell me, maybe you could show me.

Jim: (shakes his head) It's over, Chief. Why dig it up?

Blair: So you are not going to call him?

Jim: (decisively) No, I'm not.

Blair: But he said he's living here, in Cascade. You could still run into each other.

(Jim just sips beer.)

Blair: You, you seemed glad to see him, earlier.

Jim: Can't you leave well enough alone?

Blair: He's obviously important to you.

Jim: Important, huh? Yeah, he's important, I give you that.

Blair: So what's wrong?

Jim: (snorts) What's wrong? Everything, that's what. And I don't want to remember.

Blair: Jim...

Jim: I don't want to remember, ok, Chief? Can't you just leave it alone?

Blair: Jim...

Jim: (draws Blair closer) Sometimes I don't want to remember anybody but you. Sometimes I wish you were my first.

Blair: Jim, come on.

Jim: (touching Blair's face) You are so wise. Yet innocent. You know so much. Yet you don't.

Blair: Jim, it's ok, Jim, Jim...

(Jim pushes Blair onto the sofa and starts kissing him, caressing him, etc.)

I held him in my arms, and cursed Alan, and cursed Veronica, and most of all, myself.

He always said my past will come back to haunt us, and he was right.

He lay so still in my arms. Even his heartbeat and respiration were depressed. His skin felt cold and clammy. Only a hand clutching at my shirt showed any signs of life, any sign that he was aware of me. Even that hand fell away limply when I shifted, and he didn't make any attempt to move it again.

"Blair?" I said, "How about we go to bed, huh?"

He moved his head ever so slightly, a nod barely perceptible as such.

"Okay," I said. "What say we go to the bathroom first? Think you can get up and walk?"

Blair blinked. I felt his muscles tighten for a second, then he just gave up the effort, collapsing further into me in a spineless sprawl.

"Okay," I said, "Guess not. Think you can at least put your arms around my neck while I carry you?"

Blair just looked at me and didn't respond.

Sighing, I shifted us around until I was sitting upright with him in my lap, then grabbed first one arm, then the other, and pulled them around my neck. Not that it was a great help, since the arms lay limply over my shoulders without any strength in them to hold him up. But then I didn't need any help, he was so light. So light.

His body had always been sturdy and muscular. Not hard, not bulky, certainly no rippling muscles. But solid. Dependable. A sinewy strength that could grab onto me and hold me in place. Now his body felt empty, weightless, as if it were made out of paper and sticks. I cursed the effortlessness with which I could lift and move him. Oh, why hadn't I noticed? But if I had, what could I have done?

All those accusations, coming one on top of the other. What, in truth, could I have done to prevent any of this from happening? Maybe, if I hadn't answered Veronica's call... But then Aldo was already onto me for the missing drugs.

~Hallway of Cascade P.D. Day. Jim and Blair walking towards Major Crimes. Jim's Sentinel hearing picks up the conversation in Simon's office.~

Aldo: Well, Captain. Somebody grabbed two kilos of heroin before evidence hit lockup. I intend to question every man on that squad -- starting with Ellison.

Simon: This was a joint operation. If the drugs are missing, it wasn't us. I trust Jim and his team without exception.

Aldo: You know what I think? You operate Major Crimes like it was your private fiefdom. Maybe you should take off your blinders.

Simon: Maybe you should back off the concept that Major Crimes is run by a bunch of dirty cops.

Aldo: It only takes one. The D.E.A. is conducting its own internal investigation. In the meantime, you better be keeping a clean house. If there's dirt, I'll find it.

(Jim and Blair arrive at Simon's door and enter.)

Jim: You do windows, also?

Aldo: This isn't just going to go away. We'll be talking. Sandburg, isn't it?

Blair: Uh... Yup.

Aldo: You were at the sting, correct?

Blair: Uh, yeah. You're two for two. That... that's good. Yeah.

Aldo: Keep your calendar clear. (leaves)

Blair: Ooh! If that man's ass were any tighter, it'd be inside out.

Jim: This is a witch-hunt, Captain.

Simon: Is it? The drugs are missing. D.E.A. doesn't have them. Somebody's got to take the fall.

Blair: Well, it wasn't us. I was there when it got bagged. I was standing next to the D.E.A. agent who measured and bagged them.

Simon: Okay, then what?

Blair: Then we put the drugs into the van, we all got on, and drove back to the station. Everybody on the team was on the van.

Jim: And the D.E.A. agents followed in their own cars.

Simon: So you had custody of the drugs until you got to the station.

Jim: That's right.

Simon: Then what?

(Jim and Blair look at each other.)

Jim: I was talking with the D.E.A. agents about processing the prisoners. Then me and a few other agents took the prisoners to holdup, and then we questioned them...

Simon: So you never saw the drugs after you got back to the station.

Jim: (shakes his head) Nope.

Simon: Sandburg? Did you see what happened to the drugs?

Blair: Couple of uniforms took it down to evidence lockup. Uh... I can't remember which ones.

Simon: Damn.

Blair: The drugs were all there when it left the van, Simon. Just as the D.E.A. bagged and sealed it. That, I know for sure.

(Simon, Jim, and Blair all stare grimly at one another.)~

I propped Blair down onto the edge of the bathtub and supported him with one arm while using the other hand to lift the toilet lid.

"So, Chief," I said, as I undid his belt, "I'll put you down on the toilet, and you can take care of business, huh?"

Blair just looked at me.

I unbuttoned his pants, and worked down the zipper. I lifted him off the edge of the tub, and supported his weight with a shoulder while I wiggled his pants and underwear down off his hips. A maneuver that should have been difficult, but was almost effortless.

Having got his clothes down low enough, I plopped him onto the toilet, where he promptly started to list to the side. I immediately grabbed him and pushed him back upright.

"Come on, Chief," I murmured, as I pressed my forehead against his, "Give me a hand here, huh? Hold yourself up for a second."

For a brief moment, his head pressed back against mine, then he slid back against the water tank, letting it support his weight. I watched him carefully as he peed, ready to catch him if he started to slip again.

"Come on, be a good boy, shake your dick," I said when he was done.

He just stared at me.

I sighed, grabbed a wad of paper from the toilet roll, and gently dabbed at the head of his cock.

Blair picked that moment to topple forward off the toilet seat, into my arms.

I caught his weight easily -- too easily -- and half pushed, half dragged him over to a corner, and wedged him into it so he was supported by walls from both sides. Crouching down in front of him, I held him in place with a hand on one shoulder.

He flopped against the wall, seemingly unaware and uncaring of his surroundings. I felt sure that if I let go, he will slowly sink to the floor, and lie curled up there all night. I looked into his eyes, and found nothing -- no emotion, no awareness, just blank.

Well, if he needed to withdraw into himself, if he couldn't bring himself to lift a finger for anything, if he couldn't even bring himself to support his own weight, if he needed to be taken care of like a newborn baby, then it was up to me to do it. I owed him that much. Oh, no. I owed him much more than that. Much, much more.

How could I repay him for everything he had ever done for me? How could I make up for all the hurt I had put him through?

What could I have done to prevent this? Maybe there really was nothing I could have done. But at least I could have told him. I could have told him about Alan, about Veronica, about Lila, about...

About...

There's so much. So much stuff that I don't want to remember. Stuff that I don't want touching him, touching us. Somehow I feel like telling him about them will taint him in some way. That is a stupid notion, I know. He knows so much, he is wise beyond his years. Like anything could really taint his soul, corrupt his heart, or oppress his mind. Like there was anything I could tell him that he won't be able to take, that he couldn't grasp, analyze, comprehend, and absorb. Like there were anything in my past he couldn't understand, or forgive. Like there were any thoughts in my mind I needed to be ashamed to share with him. Like there were any dark places in my soul that I needed to keep from him. Like there were any wounds in my heart that he couldn't soothe.

My past -- there's so much stuff I just don't want to remember, don't want to bring back up, don't want to be reminded of. Yet they keep crawling out of the woods, so to speak, haunting us, haunting him. At least, if I told him about them, maybe he could be prepared. Maybe we could be prepared. But, god, could anything have prepared us for Veronica?

~Major Crimes. Day. Jim at his desk, studiously working at his paperwork. The phone rings.~

Jim: (picks up phone) Ellison.

Veronica: (over phone) um... Jim?

Jim: (frowning) Who's this?

Veronica: It's, uh, Veronica. I, you and I and Alan, we were together in the army...

Jim: Veronica...? Oh, my god, I... How are you? Where are you calling from?

Veronica: I... I'm in Cascade. Alan told me he met you yesterday, and I...

Jim: Alan? Are you with Alan?

Veronica: Yes, I... that is, we... Uh, Jim, I, I can't really talk long now. Could we meet? I... there's something, I... Please, Jim, I don't know who I can talk to.

Jim: Okay, okay. Veronica, please, calm down. Are you in any immediate danger?

Veronica: No. At least I don't think so. Well, um, I'm not really sure.

Jim: All right. Is there anybody with you now? Can you get away?

Veronica: Yes. What about Boulder Point? Do you know the place?

Jim: (getting up and reaching for his coat) Sure. I can be there in twenty. Will you be all right? If you don't feel safe, I can send a squad car to your place.

Veronica: No, I'm all right, nobody is here, nobody knows I'm calling you, I'll be all right.

Jim: Okay, Veronica. Be careful, huh?

Veronica: Yes, Jim. Thank you. (hangs up)

(Jim hungs up phone and walks out.)

~A rocky beach -- Boulder Point. Day. Jim walking down the beach, Veronica a little further down, sitting on a boulder. Jim stops in front of her.~

Jim: Veronica.

Veronica: Jim. You... you look good.

Jim: And you are absolutely beautiful. (takes her hand, and kisses it)

Veronica: I'm sorry. I didn't know who else to come to.

Jim: It's all right. I'm, uh, I'm glad you called. (smiles) So, tell me, please, what's wrong?

Veronica: It's Alan. I, I think he's in trouble.

Jim: Alan? You, you and him, have you been together all this time?

Veronica: We got married. Nine years ago. We sent you an invitation to our wedding.

Jim: (looks away) I never got it. Must have gotten mixed up in the mail.

Veronica: Oh, I thought...

Jim: (stops her by placing a finger against her lips) It's over, Veronica. It's in the past. I'm with somebody now, I'm happy. (pause) And you? Have you been happy with Alan?

Veronica: I... (looks down) I thought I was. But now...

Jim: What is it?

Veronica: I... I think Alan is in trouble. I don't know what it is, he won't tell me. Every time I ask, he keeps saying nothing is wrong. But... we left Chicago so suddenly... He's nervous, keeps looking around like he expects he's being watched. Then there are the phone calls... The phone rings in the middle of the night. No one's there. I just...

Jim: (hugging Veronica and running soothing hand down her back) shhhh. It's all right. It's all right. Just, Let me talk to Alan, huh? Maybe I can find out what's going on, okay?

Veronica: (pulls away and looks up at Jim) I... I'm sorry. I shouldn't be so emotional. It's probably nothing. Like Alan says, I just have an overactive imagination.

Jim: Come on, Veronica, don't put yourself down. You always did have good instincts. If you think there's something, there probably is.

Veronica: (puts a hand to Jim's face) You always were more centered than Alan... Calmer. More reasonable... I feel safe with you... (kisses him) And I'm still the emotional one.

(Veronica tries to kiss Jim again. Jim stops her. He holds up his left hand, and tangles it with her left hand, letting their rings touch.)

Jim: Where's Alan now?

Veronica: I'm not sure. Business meetings, he said. I'm supposed to meet him for dinner.

Jim: So maybe I better show up at the dinner, huh?

(Veronica smiles up at him.)

Jim: I got to get back to the station. I'll see you at dinner, ok? In the meantime why don't you just try and relax, stay in public places if you go out, lock your doors, that sort of thing. And don't hesitate to call if you need me.

Veronica: All right. I can do that.

(Jim gently untangles their hands, and placing a hand on her shoulder, guides Veronica off the beach.)

I kept a hand on one of Blair's shoulders to make sure he stayed where he was. With the other hand, I pulled his pants and boxers all the way off his legs. Then, after making sure enough of his weight was on the wall to keep him sitting up, I proceeded to unbutton his shirt and work it off his shoulders.

"Okay," I said, when I had him completely naked. "Now, you, don't go anywhere. Stay right there."

I carefully took my hands off him, keeping an eye on him as I backed off wearily, to make sure he didn't flop forward. Grabbing a washcloth, I ran hot water over it, squeezed it out, and going back to Blair, wiped him off, starting with his face. Blair squirmed a bit when I ran the washcloth over his face. Otherwise, he didn't resist. I finished with a swipe at his genitals, and for a moment he leaned into my touch, before slumping back down.

I raised a hand and gently cupped his face. Felt the prickle of the heavy stubbles darkening his cheeks. I leaned forward and briefly pressed my lips against his slack, slightly open lips. "Love you, Chief," I murmured.

Suddenly his arms snapped up around my neck in a tight grip. The body that had been lying in total lethargy and apathy all evening was suddenly alive again, cringing against me like it never, ever wanted to let go.

I wrapped my arms around Blair and hugged him tight, rocking him slightly. "Blair," I murmured, "Blair, it's all right. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I'm here."

And Blair let out a keening wail that chilled my blood and echoed against the bathroom walls, grating against my bones and reverberating against my soul, on and on and on and on and on...

~Interrogation room at the P.D. Blair seated in a chair at the table. Aldo leaning on the table, on the other side from Blair.~

Aldo: I don't want to make things difficult for you. Actually, you can make things a whole lot easier for me. (pulls out a pack of cigarettes)

Blair: Well, you know what? You can make things easier for me and not light that up. I'm not into second-hand smoke, okay?

Aldo: Sorry... Old habits are just hard to break... Like protecting a friend.

Blair: Is that what I'm doing?

Aldo: Well, you and Ellison are... What do you call yourselves, anyway?

Blair: Partners.

Aldo: Ah, yes, partners. (mimicking Jim's voice) "My partner, Blair Sandburg." (gets up off the table and comes around, leaning over Blair) And how long have you two been together?

Blair: What's it to you?

Aldo: Oh, nothing, really. (straightens up) You first started working with the department as an observer, what, three, four years ago? It was Ellison who brought you in, right? Talked Banks into giving you an observer's permit? How long did you know him before then?

Blair: None of your business.

Aldo: Oh, I actually think it is. I mean, you owe him, don't you? You needed an in to the police department, and Ellison was it, wasn't he? (leers at Blair) Not my scene, I tell you, but yeah, I can see where the attraction might be for a man like Ellison. Sweet-talked him into it, did you? Or did you just get right down to it and deliver the goods, straight out?

Blair: Is there a point here, somewhere?

Aldo: (taps Blair's left hand, near the ring) Think this means anything? Think Ellison is invincible? That he's not going down for this?

Blair: He didn't take the drugs.

Aldo: So you say. (pause) We only have your word for that. You do realize that, don't you?

Blair: And his.

Aldo: Oh, yes. Pardon me, I forgot. You do believe in his word, isn't that so? After all, you only have his word for this. (taps Blair's hand again) This means nothing. Nothing. Not in any of the courts, not in city hall or any other government office, and not in this department. Get my drift?

Blair: Actually? No.

Aldo: (sighs) Do I have to spell it out for you? (pause) Well, okay. Ellison is going down. The question is, whether you are going down with him or not. Now, I understand why you are protecting him. Aside from any feelings you have for him, he's your sole means of support right now, isn't he? You haven't had any source of income since you got kicked out of the University, isn't that so?

Blair: I wasn't kicked out. I quit.

Aldo: Same difference. (pause) You have a real interest in keeping Ellison afloat, I understand that. If I were you, I'd probably do the same thing. What you've got to see here, however...

Blair: Just what makes you so sure Jim's going down for this? You don't have a shred of evidence against him.

Aldo: According to you.

Blair: I saw what I saw.

Aldo: Don't think you can cover for him forever. I'll find the evidence.

Blair: There is no evidence, because he didn't do it.

Aldo: Well, somebody took the drugs.

Blair: It wasn't him.

Aldo: So maybe it was you.

Blair: Very interesting theory. (gets up) Call me if you ever find any evidence to support that.

Aldo: Where are you going?

Blair: I'm a civilian, all right? I've waived my right to an attorney. And you've waived your right to bust out the rubber hose. I'm out of here. (leaves)

~Shift to a view of the interrogation room door from the hallway as Blair walks out the door. He walks rapidly down the hallway and almost runs into Jim as he turns a corner.~

Jim: Whoa, Chief.

Blair: Jim? How long have you been here?

Jim: Long enough.

Blair: (sighs) Guy's a total asshole.

Jim: Yeah.

Blair: He just seems... so sure of himself. What do you think he's got up his sleeve?

Jim: What makes you think he has something up his sleeve?

Blair: Oh he does. Believe me. I just need to figure out what it is.

Jim: Blair.

Blair: I'm all right Jim. Come on, let's go.

(Jim puts a hand on Blair's shoulder and squeezes gently as they walk away.)

And Blair continued to keen, his wail echoing against the bathroom walls, grating against my bones, reverberating against my soul, and chilling my blood, on and on and on and on and on...

I held him tight. I held him close. What else could I do? What comfort could I offer, other than to hold him in my arms, press him close, let him feel the warmth and solidity of my body, try to convince him of the reality of my presence?

His keening finally broke apart into choking gasps. His arms slid away from my shoulders and his body sagged limply to the floor as he fought for breath.

"Blair," I called. "Blair."

Carefully I drew his hair away from his face, which was sweaty now, and red from the exertion. I grabbed his arm, pulled it up over my neck, and used the leverage to haul him back up. Grasping him under his arms, I pushed myself up to my feet, dragging him up with me. Of course he made no effort to stand on his feet. Not really caring anymore to be gentle with him, but just wanting to get him upstairs and into bed as quickly as possible, I shifted my grip on him until I had the hold just right, then hoisted him up over my shoulder in a fireman's carry, and walked out of the bathroom, across the living area, and up the stairs, and dumped him somewhat unceremoniously onto the bed.

He bounced a bit as he hit the mattress, and lay completely still.

I sighed, and dropped down onto the bed next to him. Grimly I wondered how long he was going to be like this.

The barest hint of a thought fluttered through the back of my mind... What if...

I ruthlessly suppressed that thought, and focused on tucking him into bed. Pulling the sheets back from one side of the bed, I rolled him over, pulled him up by the shoulders so his head was on a pillow, pushed his limbs into place under the covers, and pulled the sheets back over him. All the while, Blair lay limp and unresisting, letting me handle him however I liked. I pressed the covers more closely around his shoulders and absently tucked a loose strand of hair behind his ear.

And suddenly I found myself caught by his eyes, boring into me like furiously blazing gems of the deepest, bottomless, blue....

~Sierra Verde. Night. Church. Jim, Blair, Simon, and Megan are sleeping on wooden pews, Simon and Megan on one side of the church, Jim and Blair on the other. Blair is in a pew behind Jim's.~

Blair: You know, there're actual beds in the rectory. We obviously must have sinned to have deserved this.

Jim: Chief, why don't you save your confession for the morning?

Blair: (sits up) You know, we could've just stayed at the hotel, right? I mean, under an alias?

Jim: We'll be safer here. Now, get some sleep, okay? (pushes Blair back with a hand on his forehead)

Blair: Hey, you know, uh... Did you ever see that movie, Cool Hand Luke? Paul Newman, he gets shot in a church.

Jim: Yeah, you know why? 'Cause he wouldn't stop talking.

Blair: (laughing) That's good.

Jim: I don't think anything's going to happen in a place where they worship.

Blair: (pause) Hey, you think Ortega's the one who set us up with Arguillo?

Jim: I don't know. It's possible. All I know is that we can only trust ourselves outside these walls. Now, come on. Get a little rest, huh? (pushes Blair back again)

Blair: Right, right. (pause) Hey, uh... Do you think it was Alex that set us up?

Jim: (sits up) I don't know, Chief. It would seem Arguillo's got the most to benefit from the possession of this toxin with his war on the government or whatever else he's got going on, you know. All I know is that we got to find a way to stop Alex from making delivery.

Blair: Right. God knows she doesn't want any interference. I mean, she already tried to kill me. (pause) Well, actually, I guess she did, huh?

Jim: Yeah. I don't think she wants to kill me. That's not what I'm getting from these visions.

Blair: That's it. That's our edge... Is these visions. (gets up and climbs onto Jim's pew) Give me your hand.

(They clasp hands and close their eyes.)

~Alex sleeping. She wakes up and runs out to the beach. Jim is there. They run towards each other meeting, then kissing.~

(Blair gasps and pulls away.)

Blair: Whoa.

Jim: Blair.

Blair: I'm all right, I'm all right. (looks around nervously, then back at Jim) Think we should go out to the beach?

~Flash of Alex waking up and getting out of bed.~

~Jim and Blair walking out of the church. Jim has his gun.~

~Beach. Alex is standing in the open, looking a little puzzled. She sees Jim and starts running towards him, but hesitates when she sees Blair standing next to Jim.~

Jim: Alex.

Alex: You should be with me.

Jim: Why did you try to kill Blair?

Alex: I couldn't leave him alive.

Jim: Why?

Alex: You don't need him. You should be with me.

(Jim stares at her, entranced. Blair grips Jim's arm.)

Blair: Jim, man, come on. Arrest her!

(Jim doesn't move. Blair grabs Jim's gun and presses it into his hand.)

Blair: Come on, man!

(Alex turns and starts to run away. Jim tries to point the gun at her, but can't. He drops the gun, which falls to the sand.)

Blair: Jim? Jim, what's going on? Jim, come on, you are scaring me, here! (gives Jim a hard shake)

(Jim shakes his head as he comes out of his half trance-like state. He looks at his hands as if they were something he doesn't recognize.)

Jim: I... I couldn't use the gun. I couldn't even point it at her. As if... as if something held me back.

Blair: Something from the visions?

Jim: I don't know, maybe.

Blair: What about the visions? What are you feeling?

Jim: I can't tell. It's all too confusing. I... I'm scared. I feel drawn to her. I...

Blair: (grabs Jim's hand) Look at me, Jim, look at me. What do you see? What do you feel?

Jim: I love you. (touches Blair's face) I want you, Blair. Only you. I... Help me fight this, please.

Blair: It's all right, Jim. It's all right. (cradles Jim in his arms and glares at the direction Alex has gone) I'm not letting you go.

~Scene goes out of focus into a swirl of colors, then unswirls and resolves back to Jim, Blair, Simon, and Megan walking along a river in the jungle.~

Simon: She got away with the damn nerve gas.

Jim: I can find her, Simon. Hold on a second. (crouches down to touch something on the ground, and sniffs it) I just don't know what will happen when I do.

Simon: We can't take that chance.

~Flash of helicopter crashing. Alex crying "No!"~

(Jim pauses and looks off into distance.)

Blair: Jim, you all right?

(Jim waves Blair away and stands up.)

Megan: Have we decided whose side you're on?

Blair: He's with us. Get the gas and the girl. We're back on track.

Megan: She was in a helicopter. By now, she could be halfway to Panama.

Jim: And that helicopter's leaking fuel. Let's just keep heading upriver. (takes off)

Simon: Jim, even if the chopper goes down, there's no way for us to track her in this bush. (pause) Aah, damn it. (to Blair and Megan) All right. I want you two to stay with him. I'm going back to get help. Sandburg, I'm going to give you this. It's a G.P.S. Transponder, it'll help me locate you later.

Blair: Okay.

Simon: Stay with him.

(Blair and Megan take off after Jim as Simon goes off in the other direction.)

~Flash of Alex moving away from her downed helicopter and pushing her way through the jungle.~

(Jim winces as he pauses to touch and sniff something from the ground.)

Megan: Helicopter fuel?

Jim: Yeah. (keeps going)

Megan: (stops Blair) I've seen trackers in the outback, but never anything like that. A splash of petrol in the middle of the jungle?

Blair: Well, yeah. When he was in the Rangers, he was the best in his unit.

Megan: That's not an answer.

Blair: Come on, Megan. We're falling behind. (follows Jim)

(Megan follows as well. They catch up to Jim and continue trekking through the jungle.)

~Flash of Alex following the spotted jaguar and entering the Temple of the Sentinels.~

(Jim wilts against a tree.)

Blair: Are you okay?

Jim: Yeah. Let's just keep moving.

~Scene blurs and resolves to: Campfire. Night. Jim and Blair sitting up next to the fire. Megan is lying down, face away from them, on the opposite side of the fire.~

Blair: Megan, you want some coffee? Megan? (to Jim) She's asleep.

Jim: Alex found the temple.

Blair: How do you know?

Jim: I saw it.

Blair: (frowns) Man... that's... (long pause) How do you feel about Alex?

Jim: I... I need to stop her, but I also feel like I have to protect her somehow.

Blair: Which one is stronger?

Jim: I don't know.

Blair: What happened at the riverbank today cannot happen again, Jim.

Jim: I know that. I just have no idea what the hell will happen when I see her next.

(Megan opens her eyes on the other side of the fire.)

Blair: We have to concentrate. Figure out what these visions are showing us.

Jim: Do you see the temple?

Blair: Yes. But I have no idea what happens once we get there. Do you?

Jim: No. (pause) Do you see Alex?

Blair: I don't see any visions unless I'm touching you.

Jim: Okay, but you saw Alex in our visions before. What do you feel about her?

Blair: I... I'm not sure. She's a Sentinel, too. Part of me wants to help her, like I do you...

Jim: Are you attracted to her?

Blair: Nothing other than what I would normally feel for an attractive woman. Nothing like what you are feeling.

Jim: I hate feeling like this. Out of control. I... It's you I love. Not her.

Blair: shhh. It's all right. I got you. I love you too.

~Flash of Alex lying in a water-filled grotto inside the temple.~

(Jim and Blair look at each other.)

Jim: Alex.

Blair: You have to go.

Jim: (glances at Megan) Think you can find your way?

Blair: I know it. (pause) Give me a kiss.

(They kiss. Jim gets up and leaves. Blair watches him go.)

~A confused jumble of images of the temple, Jim pushing his way through the jungle, Alex waiting for Jim with dart gun, Jim falling, Alex looking down at Jim. The images finally stop at Jim in the water-filled grotto, unable to move. Alex is kneeling down next to the grotto, looking down at Jim. She holds a cup in her hand, filled with some kind of a drink.~

Alex: It's no use trying to move. The drug on the dart is still in your system. It's amazing, isn't it? The early Sentinels discovered that extreme isolation in these chamber pools heightens the senses, especially when accompanied by a drink made from local plants and herbs. I found the instructions carved on the wall. It was a 2,000-year-old language, and yet, somehow, I understood. I tried it last night... And I saw inside myself... my true being. Jim: Alex, you're moving way too fast. This knowledge has to come from understanding, not in some kind of drink.

Alex: My sensory awareness has doubled. There's so much more to experience. I want you to see what I see, feel what I feel.

Jim: Listen to me.

Alex: No. You listen... And see... And feel. (she kisses Jim, then gives him some of the drink in her cup) I'll be back... After I've seen the Eye of God.

Jim: Alex, wait. No, Alex, come back. Don't...

(Jim's words start to slur, and his vision goes in and out of focus. He blinks his eyes a few times, trying to get them to focus, but the world dissolves into a swirl of colors, and then --)

~VISION: Helicopter falters, then falls into the jungle. Explosions. Some in the jungle, some in the city. Flashes of scenes from when Jim was found by the Rangers in Peru. A brief flash of Blair, smiling in the multi-colored vest from SWITCHMAN. Another brief flash of Larry, Jim, and Blair watching TV in the warehouse from DEBT. Another explosion. Gunfire. "Firepeople" -- human-shaped figures, smothered by flames, stumbling menacingly forward.~

~Jim, Alan, and Veronica sitting at a table in a restaurant, having dinner.~

Veronica: What happened to the three of us, anyway? Hmm? Why don't we keep in touch?

Jim: I guess life has a way of getting in the way sometimes, huh?

Alan: Yeah, you could say that.

Jim: So why'd you move from Chicago to Cascade? Kind of a long way off, isn't it?

Alan: Yeah, but, you know, something came up that enabled me to be my own boss.

Jim: Mind if I ask what?

Alan: Well...

(A man [Harry Lovejoy] walks up to their table.)

Harry: Archer! You're a hard man to get a hold of. We got business to discuss.

Alan: It's over, Harry. You lost. Now stay out of my way.

Harry: Why are you doing this?

Jim: Hey, is there a problem here?

Harry: Keep your face out of it, tough guy.

Alan: Careful, Harry. This is my friend Jim Ellison. Detective Jim Ellison. Did I mention that?

Harry: (startled, looks at Jim closely) So that's the way it is, huh? Fine. Okay.

Alan: Okay?

Harry: Yeah, fine, if you want to be like that, go right ahead. (starts to leave, then stops and turns back) He can't protect you forever, you know. (walks out)

Jim: So what was that about?

Alan: That business deal I was telling you about? He wanted in, but he was late coming up with the cash. Figures I owe him a finder's fee. Forget him. He's all talk.

~Scene blurs, then resolves to Jim and Alan talking to each other next to Alan's yacht.~

Jim: Why won't you be straight with me about what's going on?

Alan: And if I do? What will you do? Are you here as a police officer, or my friend?

Jim: Are you telling me I can't be both?

Alan: (scoffs) I got news for you, Hotshot.

(Jim sighs, turns, and starts to walk away.)

Alan: So that's it? You going to turn your back on an old friend?

Jim: (looks back at Alan) I-I'm not the man I thought I was. We... we weren't the friends we thought we were. And now... I don't know who you are, Alan. I don't know if I ever knew you, or just thought I did.

Alan: And you are so sure you know who you are now?

(Jim looks at Alan, then walks away without answering.)

~Resolve to hallway in the P.D. Jim and Blair watching Harry Lovejoy walk away.~

Blair: Jim, I think you should let this one go. That guy all but accused you of being on the take. You're already under investigation by the I.A. Just get someone else to take the case.

Jim: No can do, Chief. Alan's a friend. He's involved in something he shouldn't be.

Blair: Jim, I know you still love him, but...

Jim: What gave you that idea?

Blair: I'm not blind, Jim.

Jim: I don't love him, Chief.

Blair: Yes, you do. You give somebody a piece of your heart, it's their's forever. (cuts Jim off when he tries to say something) Don't even try. This is me, remember? I know you. I know you.

Jim: (sighs) So, why are you asking me to give this up?

Blair: Because he doesn't love you. Maybe he did once, but not anymore. Not in any way that counts.

(Jim's cellphone rings. He answers it.)

Jim: Ellison.

Veronica: Oh, god. Jim, you have to stop him.

Jim: What's going on?

~Veronica's house. Alan can be seen through the window walking down the driveway towards his car.~

Veronica: Alan's in a rage. He says he wants to put an end to this once and for all.

Jim: Where is he now?

Veronica: On his way to see that man. Jim, one of them is going to get killed. I just know it.

~Alan's car blows up. The debris fly into the air and fall into the water with spectacular splashes. The resulting waves gradually glow wider and deeper, transforming into the swelling of the deep ocean. A feather, twirling slowly as it falls through the air. A dark pond. A mirror. Red stains gradually rising to the surface, forming words -- "Who am I now?" Blair, reflected in the mirror, Jim, standing behind him, also reflected in the mirror, as they both stare at the letters written in red lipstick.~

~Forensics lab from CYPHER. Carolyn bending down, looking at something through a microscope. Jim and Simon standing behind her.~

Carolyn: (looking up from microscope) It's down.

Simon: What, a feather?

Jim: Down? Carolyn, give me that water in the beaker. Just get it.

Simon: Where you going with this, Jim?

Jim: And break the seal.

Carolyn: I can't, Jim. Oxygen will contaminate the sample. It'll be useless as evidence.

Jim: Sandburg's life is at stake.

(Blair's voice overlaps: Jim's life is at stake.)

Carolyn: What could you possible do with this water?

(Rafe's voice overlaps: What could you possibly do with the roll-call list?)

Jim: Would you just break the seal? Come on, Simon. Please.

(Blair: Just get it, Rafe, will you? You are the only one who can do it, please?)

Simon: Break the seal. I'll be responsible.

(Simon: Get it, Rafe. I'll be responsible.)

~Lash's lair. Blair tied to a chair. Lit candles everywhere.~

Lash: It's okay, it's okay, okay, it's okay. I'd like you to meet my friends. I only have four of them now, but there will be more. (Lash turns towards the display. Instead of the victims from CYPHER, they are Alan, Aldo, Veronica, and Jim.) And now... it's time for Hairy Blairy... Shaman of the Great City.

~Forensics lab. Jim, Simon, and Carolyn looking at a computer.~

Carolyn: Here's the last one. Alfred's Pond -- down by the waterfront.

(Rafe: This is the last one. But he wasn't here that day, he says he was with his girlfriend.)

Jim: Right in the middle of old warehouses and abandoned buildings. He's got to be there somewhere.

(Blair: Oldest fake alibi in the world, Rafe. It's got to be him.)

Carolyn: Well, wait a minute. Shouldn't we check nearby towns as well?

(Rafe: Well, wait a minute. We can't just barge in and search his house without cause!)

Jim: No. There's no time. Simon, we got to take a shot now.

(Blair: You can't. But I'm not a cop. Now, listen, here's what we do...)

~Lash's lair. Lash, with his back to Blair, mixing up the drug. He turns around, and it is Alex.~

Alex (in Lash's voice): Progress report, man. How am I doing? Do I make a good you?

Blair: You suck! Do you think you can be me? When's my birthday? Huh? What was the name of my first girlfriend? How old was I when I broke my arm falling out of Mrs. Danwich's tree? Huh? C'mon, you freak, answer me!

(William Ellison's voice overlaps: You got to stop pretending or people are going to think you're a freak! You understand? Huh? Is that what you want? For people to think there's something wrong with you?)

Blair: You really think you can be me? What are my dreams? What's my heart's desire? Only I think what I think, feel what I feel.

(Jim: It's... who I am. All I ever got from you was that there was something wrong with me. I have a gift, Dad. It can be a burden sometimes, but it's a gift. To feel what I feel. See what I see. Hear what I hear and smell what I smell. To taste...)

~Lawn in front of Hargrove Hall, next to the fountain. Simon and Jim working on Blair.~

Simon: I don't hear a heartbeat. Do you? Do you hear a heartbeat? Jim! Jim!

Jim: No, nothing.

Simon: Come on. Get his airway open. All right, here we go.

(They begin CPR, Simon doing the chest, Jim doing the breathing.)

Simon: All right, let's go. One, two, three... four...

Jim: Come on, Chief.

Simon: Four, five... All right, clear. Let's go again. One, two, three, four.

Jim: Breathe, damn it!

Simon: Five.

(Ambulance arrives. Two EMT's come out and take over. Jim and Simon step away. Scene blurs slightly. The EMT's step away, saying, "Sorry, guys.")

Jim: What do you mean, "sorry"? Wait. This isn't over. (goes back to doing CPR on Blair) Come on, Blair. Come on!

Simon: Jim.

Jim: Come on, come on. Come on, Blair. Come on, damn it!

Simon: Jim, he's gone. Let him go. He's gone.

Jim: Come on, Sandburg.

Simon: He's gone!

Jim: No!

Simon: Come on! Stop it!

Brown: Let it go, baby.

Simon: Let it go, let it go.

Jim: No! He's alive! Blair! I love you! Don't go! Blair!

~Blair's office from SWITCHMAN.~

Blair: ...you just may be the living embodiment of my field of study. If I'm correct, Detective Ellison, you're a behavioral throwback to a pre-civilized breed of man.

Jim: Are you out of your mind? (stands up and slams Blair against the wall) Listen, you neo-hippy witch doctor punk...

Blair: Hey, Joe Friday, relax, okay? Look, you mess with me, man, and you are never gonna figure out what's up with you...

~Flash to garbage truck bearing down on Jim. Blair appears behind Jim and yanks him down to the ground.~

Blair: Look out!

~Flash to bridge, right after the Switchman has been arrested. Police personnel running around in the background. Joel and Blair, talking. Jim approaches from the side.~

Jim: He'll promise, he'll promise. You'll get your tape back, Sandburg.

Joel: Wait a minute. You know this guy?

Jim: Yeah. My new partner. (walks off)

Blair: Partner? (picks up backpack and follows Jim) Are you serious?

Jim: Every, uh, what's it called, Sentinel needs one. Isn't that what the book said?

(Blair smiles brilliantly at Jim.)

~Flash to end of SWITCHMAN~

Blair: Wait a minute, man. I am not cutting my hair.

~Flash to end of SIEGE~

Blair: This wasn't like a typical day for you, was it? (Jim laughs and walks off) Well, is it? Come on! (goes after Jim)

~Flash to DEBT~

Blair: Jim, one week. One week, and I promise, I promise, we'll be out of your hair. Come on. One week, man.

~Flash to campfire scene from FLIGHT~

Jim: You cold, Chief?

(Blair nods. Jim pulls him into his arms.)

Jim: Ever been with a guy before, Blair?

Blair: I'm with you now, aren't I?

(Jim bends his head and starts kissing Bliar's neck. Images of Jim and Blair as they make love in the jungle.)

~Flash to CYPHER~

Lash / Alex: Who am I? Who are you? I can be you. You are me. We are one. We are one...

~The jungle in dreamscape. Jim, in jungle fatigues, points his Chopec bow at the wolf, which morphs into Blair. They stare at each other. Bars slowly rise between them from the ground until Jim and Blair are facing each other across the bars of a prison cell, Jim on the inside, Blair on the outside.~

Blair: I'll get you out. I will.

Jim: It's your word against Aldo's, Chief.

Blair: And yours against Veronica's.

(Jim shrugs.)

Blair: There's got to be something. Something I can find. Something that can be used to discredit them. They've got to have left some tracks. I just have to find them.

Jim: Blair.

Blair: (reaches in through the bars and grasps Jim's hand) I'll find something, Jim. Trust me.

Jim: Always, Chief. Always.

~Closeup of their enmeshed left hands, their rings clearly visible. Image of water, gently shifting and slapping, overlaps the hands, until only Jim's hand, floating in the grotto, is left. Jim, lying in the grotto, blinks his eyes. He finds that he can move. He slowly gets out of the grotto and goes over to the second grotto just a few feet away. Alex is lying inside.~

Jim: Alex?

~Scene blurs. When it comes back into focus, Jim and Alex are in pretty much the same positions they were in before, but Arguillo and his men are tied up in a corner and Blair and Megan are standing near them, keeping an eye on them.~

Jim: Alex.

Alex: (slowly pulls herself out of the grotto) I'm home. I can feel the vibrations of the earth itself. I can hear the clouds moving in the sky. I can see the molecules in a drop of water. I want to share this with you.

Jim: Alex, this isn't home. It's time to go now.

Alex: You need to see as I see. (picks up a canister of nerve gas)

Jim: Put that down.

Alex: Are you afraid?

Jim: If you open that up, we all die. Now, put it down.

Alex: Once I've cleansed the world and you've left your flesh behind, maybe then you'll understand what I've seen.

Jim: Alex, this isn't the way of a Sentinel. We got to watch over and protect people.

Alex: There's so much you don't know. But you will. (starts to open the canister)

Jim: Alex, look at me. Look at me! This isn't you. This isn't the real you. That lies deep within you. Listen to that voice deep inside of you and let it guide you. You wanted to unite our visions. (holds out his hand) Let's do it together. Give me your hand. Come on.

(They entwine hands. Alex tries to kiss Jim, but he stops her. Alex looks up at Jim, shocked by the rejection. They have another vision. More violence, explosions. Alex falls backwards into the flames.)

Jim: Alex! No! Chief! (extends a hand towards Blair)

Alex: (cries out) My skin... it's on fire! My ears! (falls backwards against the grotto)

(Blair grabs onto Jim's hand.)

Jim: Alex! Come on back! Come back to us. Come on.

(Blair takes the canister and puts it in the water.)

Alex: Oh! My eyes!

Jim: Let me see. Wait, Alex. Easy, easy, easy. Shh. Shh. Shh.

Alex: We were one. We were one.

Jim: Alex! Alex! Alex, breathe.

(Both Blair and Jim support Alex as she falls. As they all sink down to a kneeling position on the floor, it is Blair lying limp and unresponsive in Jim's arms.)

Jim: No, oh god, no. Come on, Chief, breath. Come on.

Blair: (touches Jim on the shoulder) Jim, she's dead.

(Jim looks up at Blair, then looks down at Veronica. Bewildered, he looks up again, and looks back down, to see Lila. Slowly, Jim lets go of the body and stands up, facing Blair.)

Jim: (gingerly reaches out a hand to touch Blair's cheek) Blair?

Blair: Jim.

Jim: (looks around) Where are we?

Blair: (shrugs) Does it matter?

Jim: Guess not. (pause) Thanks, you know. For trying to save her.

Blair: She was too far gone. There was nothing I could do. Or you.

Jim: Chief...

Blair: You are not her, you know.

Jim: Who am I, really, Blair?

Blair: (laughs) You asking me that? Man, get a grip on yourself. I don't answer your questions for you. I can't.

Jim: Chief...

(Jim reaches out towards Blair, and finds himself facing Lila.)

Lila: Hi, Jim.

Jim: Lila...

Lila: (puts hand on Jim's chest) Miss me?

Jim: (clasps Lila's hand) Yes. Yes, I do. (kisses her)

(Jim pulls away, to look into Blair's eyes.)

Blair: It's okay. You love her. I know that.

Jim: No, it's not, I...

(Lila is in Jim's arms, looking into his eyes.)

Lila: I don't care who or what you were.

Blair: What's important to me is who you are now.

(Lash pops up suddenly next to Jim.)

Lash: Who are you now?

(Lash blinks out, to be replaced by Alex.)

Alex: (reaching out towards Jim) We were one. We were one.

(Jim staggers away and falls blindly to his knees. Footsteps approach.)

Alan: Hey, Hotshot.

Jim: Alan.

Alan: Always thought you'll be the death of me someday. (smiles grimly)

Jim: Alan...

Alan: I loved you, you know.

Jim: Alan, I...

Alan: Actually, so did Veronica. Ironic, isn't it? (scoffs) Neither of us could get you, so... we settled for each other. (pause) Well? Don't you have something to say for yourself?

Jim: Wha-what can I say? I... you are right. I didn't allow myself to love anyone, back then.

Alan: (silently studies Jim for a minute) So what changed? You certainly love that, that creature. Blair Sandburg, is it? What's so special about him?

Jim: I... he... he's... (swipes his face with a hand) Blair is just... Blair.

Alan: That supposed to make me feel better?

Jim: You-you're dead.

Alan: You killed me.

Jim: You were going to shoot me.

Alan: Then where's my gun?

~Scene shifts to Jim's prison cell. Jim is sitting on the bunk, wearing prison outfit. Blair is led in, in his own clothes, but handcuffed. The guard opens the cell, pushes Blair inside, undoes the handcuffs, locks the cell, and leaves.~

Jim: Chief? What's going on?

Blair: (hugs Jim) It's going to be all right, Jim. We found it. We found the drugs.

Jim: Wha-what? Where? How? And why are you here?

Blair: Breaking and entering.

Jim: What? Chief, what have you been up to?

(Blair sits on the bunk, next to Jim.)

Blair: We figured out who was really manning the evidence lockup when the drugs were brought in. I broke into his house. Rafe heard an anonymous call reporting a possible burglary in progress, responded, found me inside the guy's house, arrested me, did a routine check of the premises to see what I had been attempting to steal, found the drugs.

Jim: Won't they say you planted it there?

Blair: (shakes his head) Guy's fingerprints were all over the wrapper.

Jim: But still... Didn't I tell you not to do anything rash?!?!

Blair: It was the only thing I could think of. Guy's ratting out on Aldo even as we speak.

Jim: But what about Alan's gun?

Blair: Well, Aldo was the one who claimed he found no gun at the scene, right? He was the first officer on scene. Other than you. Simon is lobbying for dredging the lake. Even if we don't find the gun, no jury's going to believe his testimony now. You and I testify that Alan had a gun, and was about to point it at you, and we are home free. (Jim still looks skeptical) Come on, Jim, believe me, everything will work out.

Jim: Blair...

Blair: Believe me, Jim, it will work out.

(Jim hugs Blair tightly.)

~Scene is gradually overlayed and replaced by Veronica's house. Several pieces of luggage are in the main room, ready to be carried out. Jim walks in.~

Veronica: (voice coming from back of the house) You're late. You have the plane tickets? (comes out and sees Jim)

Jim: You're not going to need tickets where you're going, Veronica.

Veronica: I thought you might change your mind about things, Jim.

Jim: I'll take the money.

Veronica: Of course you will. I suppose you want half. Right?

Jim: No, I'll take all of it. I'll need it for evidence. You're under arrest.

(Veronica pulls out a gun and points it at Jim.)

Veronica: Jim... You should have settled for half.

Jim: You're not going to get three feet past that door.

Veronica: And neither will you.

(Jim hears a watch ticking. Aldo is hiding around the corner with a gun.)

Jim: You had that piece in your hand the whole time. Who was on the other end of this business transaction that you were expecting at the door? I mean, really, you didn't have any intentions of splitting up this money, did you?

Veronica: I deserve it. I did all the work. Now, come on, Jim. Move out of the way.

(Jim attempts to pull his gun.)

Veronica: Don't. I'm a better shot than Alan ever was.

Jim: I'm sure you are. You going to, uh, be prepared to take out your bellhop, too?

Veronica: No contest.

(Jim hears Aldo's gun cocking. He moves back out of the way just as Aldo comes around the corner. Aldo and Veronica shoot each other. Aldo falls backwards, hitting the wall. Veronica falls onto the floor. Jim goes to her, leaning over her.)

Jim: Don't, don't, don't. Shh! Just relax. Just breathe, breathe. Don't say anything.

Veronica: If you loved me... you would have let me walk away.

Jim: Don't... Just... Veronica... Breathe.

(Veronica's head falls to one side as her eyes close. Simon and the rest of the team come in, including Blair.)

Jim: Veronica. Veronica. (bends down to listen to her chest)

Simon: (to other officers) I want the perimeter sealed. Keep it clear out there.

Blair: Jim, you okay?

Jim: Yeah. (stands up)

Simon: Should I get an ambulance?

Jim: I don't think that's going to be necessary. (walks away)

~Scene shifts. Jim is standing outside of the house. Blair goes up to him as Simon watches from a discreet distance. Blair touches Jim tentatively on the arm. Jim turns around and folds Blair into his arms. Simon, nodding to himself, turns away.~

My eyes are open. I'm on my back on top of the covers, staring up at the ceiling. I blink, trying to clear my mind of the chaotic swirl of half-understood visions and images.

I turn my head to look towards Blair. He is sleeping, tucked securely under the covers, his face relaxed, peaceful.

I think of all the nights he spent alone in this bed. How empty it must have seemed. He would have curled up, closed his eyes tight, and tried not to think of the worst. Tried not to think that I wouldn't come back again, that he will never hold me in his arms again, that he will not spend the rest of his life sleeping alone in this big, empty bed while I rotted away in prison, that he will not spend the next decade or so of his life fighting a losing battle to keep me from being executed, that he will not have to sit in a prison visiting room one day and hear me say he'd done the best he could, that it was time to let go...

I know that Simon and the guys tried to watch out for him. But what could they do, really, to assuage his fears, to console his pain? He worked his butt off trying to clear me. So did the guys, as much as they were able. But it was Blair who found all the critical evidence, who fit all the missing pieces together. He might not officially be a cop, might not even be a paid consultant yet, but he is the best cop of all. The best partner I could ever have wished for, the best cop I've had the honor to work with, the friend who stuck with me through thick and thin, the one person who loves me most in all the world, the shaman in whose hands my deepest secrets lie safe.

And I had betrayed him, kept parts of myself away from him, had never told him about Alan, about Veronica, about Lila. Had denied those parts of myself to him, even though he asked me, time and again, to talk about them. Until they were shoved into our face, and we were forced to deal with them.

Did I love them -- any of them? They were the same as me, we were one. Trained killers, servants to an uncaring master, owned, not loved. Even Lila, though I didn't realize it back then. No, I didn't love any of them, including Lila, even if Blair thinks I did. I see them, I see me. Who I was back then, who I still am, in some part of me that I've kept from Blair, the part of me that shot at Lash five times, when of course once was sufficient. I am drawn to them, like a man trapped in quicksand. The darkness in our cores draw us to each other. Even with Alex. I saw myself in her. So much of myself. The fear, the trepidation, the exultation of discovering the senses, the heady giddiness of power and control, the desire for more -- more sensation, more feeling, more revelation, more comprehension, more.

Blair -- Blair is the light pushing away the darkness. The calm that banishes the storm. A wise yet innocent soul who for some reason was given to me, a gift I did nothing to deserve. I watch him sleeping in the darkness. I remember him as he was four years ago, when he first came to me. So much exuberance, so much unfettered joy in life. How that joy has worn down in the four years he's been with me.

He doesn't regret any of it, I know. And if truth be told, I really have no intention of giving him up. But I know I've hurt him, more times than I care to recall. One might say that it is all part of growing up, of growing older, that none of us gets to live to old age without suffering the wear and tear of life. We can't be young and innocent forever.

But being with me, Blair's had to deal with more than some people do in a lifetime, and I'm not even going to blame it on the job, though sure, that has something to do with it. No, I'm putting the blame square where it belongs, on me. So much shit I've piled on him, leaning on him when I could have stood on my own, pushing him away for no good reason just because I was pissed, hurting him, and me, by refusing to talk things out...

I push my stiff body up from the bed. My muscles groan in protest. Peeling off my clothes, I climb under the covers. I reach for Blair. Without waking, he shifts, snuggling into my arms, settling down like he belongs. I bury my face into his hair and inhale his scent.

Yesterday we buried Alan and Veronica.

Today -- well, today, I think I'll just hold Blair in my arms all day.

And when he's ready, when he decides to come back, out of this shell he's retreated into, I'll tell him, about Alan, about Veronica, about Lila, about my years in the army, in covert ops, about shooting Lash, about everything and anything he asks, and some things he won't think to ask about.

I've kept secrets long enough, held back myself too long, hurt him and myself needlessly. I'll lay myself at his feet, knowing he'll wade into my wounds, take them into himself, and then he will heal me, we will heal each other. Through the valley of darkness we will walk together, we will stand beside each other all the days of our life, together we need fear no evil, no enemy will touch us in any way that counts, we will lack for nothing, as long as we have each other.

Outside the wind is shifting. It is nearly dawn. The beginning of a new day. The night recedes into the greying sky, the desperate dreams disperse into the quietly increasing light, as Blair stirs in my arms, burrows further into my body, blinks his sleep-heavy eyes, and mumbles.

"Jim."