Thanks as usual to everyone at sentinel_betas, and to PJ, for their comments and encouragement.

And you, you'll be blessed
You'll have the best
I promise you that
~Elton John: Blessed~

Oh god, what have I done? How can Blair ever forgive me? How can Jim? And will Jim ever forgive Blair?

Jim's been polite to me; all the hurt he feels he's thrown at Blair. But under the politeness, he's ice. I can't reach him. The only person who can reach him is Blair, even if Jim tries to deny it.

Blair. My Blair, my child. I only wanted the best for you. Such a bright child you were, even when you were still inside me. I used to lie in the dark, feeling you move inside me, and I never felt so at peace, so centered, so connected to my being. I loved you from the moment I knew you were in me; from the very beginning, I knew you were special.

Oh, and you were. Special. How I loved watching you -- the first time I held you and suckled you, the first time you reached out and tugged my hair, your first word, your first step, your eyes, eager to see the world, always reaching, always searching.

I cleared the path for you where I could, opened the doors, took down the fences. I made sure the world was within your reach, that all possibilities were open to you.

Who would have thought what you would find is Jim? Of all the places in the world, of all the people, it had to be Jim. That day you called, announcing you had a new roommate, your voice so excited, so pleased. So happy. I could hear the affection you felt for him in your voice, your smug confidence as you told me how good he was to you.

The first time I saw Jim, I knew why. Despite his job, his background, he was a gentle soul, generous and giving. With a gorgeous body to boot, and a smile to make your heart melt. He was special, as special as Blair, if different. It would have been tempting to curl up against his warmth if it hadn't been for Blair. But he was as taken with Blair as Blair was with him. His eyes sparkled as I told him stories from Blair's childhood, and he promised to take good care of my Blair as he popped a slice of tongue into his mouth.

Promises. He promised. He did, and yet... But I promised too. I swore, the best for my Blair. Only the best for my Blair. But what's best for Blair is what he wants, not what I want, not what I think is the best for him -- and he wanted Jim. Was it the danger that was the attraction? Or did he love Jim so much he put up with the danger? I never could tell. But there they were, obviously making each other happy. So I let go. I tried. I really did.

How could things go so wrong, when I only wanted the best for him? Why didn't they tell me? Why didn't they trust me? Is it because I wasn't there? Or, or... did they really think so badly of me? And what would I have done if I had known?

Oh, Blair, I only want the best for you, you know that, don't you? But you want Jim. He locks you out, he hurts you, he puts you in danger -- but you know that, you are an adult now, and you still chose him. Yes, I know what you see in him, I see it myself. But honey, that's a hard road, even without this mess, this horrific mess, which I created. And yes, there's a part of me that wished, that hoped -- oh what foolishness -- you'd choose different. But you chose Jim. Still you chose Jim.

I'm letting this go, I'm letting this go, letting this go.

Will Jim ever forgive you? Will you ever forgive me? Will I ever forgive myself?

Dear Lord, what have you done? What have you done?

Dear God. Blair... Oh, Blair, you shouldn't have. Not for Ellison, not for me, certainly not for the PD. But you did, didn't you?

Blair, my son... Funny, I do think of you as my son, not that you're Daryl, nobody could ever be Daryl, but having you in my life was like having another son, almost.

You came into my life just as my family was falling apart. The first time I met you, I fixated on your appearance, didn't see you, didn't see what Jim saw in you, and by the end of that day, you'd saved everyone's life, including Daryl's. God, my heart still stops when I remember that moment I saw him hanging from that window. I promised to keep him safe, make him happy, and how many times have I failed? And how many times have you and Jim bailed me out?

I couldn't be the father to Daryl I wanted to be, in so many ways I failed him. I wasn't there for him, I couldn't figure out how to get close to him, get him to talk with me. I and my position put him in danger, too many times.

It was indulgent of me, selfish of me, but there you were, and you were almost young enough to be a son to me, not quite, but almost, and you were eager for affection and approval, trying so valiantly to fit into the new world you found yourself in, and there I was, missing Daryl, feeling guilty about having failed him, and it was so easy to imagine you were my son, that I was doing better by you than I had done with Daryl, a harmless fantasy to ease the pain in my heart.

Is there anything I could have done? What did I miss that I should have seen? You and Jim were the best thing that could have happened to the PD, and yes, to my career. When you showed up, not only did Jim's solve rate go up, but so did the solve rate for the entire Major Crimes. I got most of the credit for that, and I told myself I was keeping the real reason secret in order to protect Jim. But Lord, I can't say, in my heart of hearts, I did it all for him, or for you.

Should I have paid more attention to what was going on between you and Jim? Pushed harder on both of you to give me more information? Instead I just ignored the niceties and reaped the benefits. Didn't ask about your diss or what information you planned to put in it. Didn't sit you down and talk about what you needed in order to protect Jim's identity, or the security of the Cascade PD. I should have. I should have persuaded Jim to let the brass into this. I should have made Jim tell me what was going on between you two. I should have made sure you were protected, really protected. I should have. I should have.

Oh, Blair. My son. I've failed you even more badly than I've failed Daryl. Dear God, Blair. You shouldn't have, you shouldn't have. Not for Ellison, not for the PD, and certainly not for me.

God, what's going on? What're we gonna do? Blair... How could anyone ever do that? How could he?

It's a lie. Everyone knows it. Well, not everyone. The PD is buzzing up and down. The brass have cornered Joel, and they've had him in a meeting behind closed doors for hours. Meanwhile confusion reigns supreme. Some people flat-out convinced Sandburg is a fraud and disgusted he's been allowed to ride along for so long. Most of them confused and lost, not knowing what to think. The ones who worked with Ellison and Sandburg on occasion, the ones who Blair used to chat with, the ones he did personal favors for, the ones who watched Ellison make an impossible shot or find clues nobody else could even see, the ones who only knew them from afar but only ever heard good things about the pair -- they're all stunned, not knowing what to believe, what to think, who to trust.

And us -- those of us who're close enough to those two, who know them enough to be convinced of the truth -- we're keeping quiet, not knowing what to do, what we can do, what'll happen next.

Blair has guts, we all knew that, but god, no one had any idea how much. He and Ellison are tight -- we all knew that, but no one thought he'd, he'd... He passed up three million dollars, a chance at the Nobel Prize, and destroyed his credibility and reputation in front of the whole world. How could anyone do that? The look on Jim's face when he saw... God, the man was frozen, stunned. Well, we all were standing around, our jaw hanging off our faces, but Jim...

I don't have words to describe the look on Jim's face. The thing that comes to mind is he looked like a lost child. Yeah, big bad Ellison a child, that's laughable, but that's what he did look like at that moment. A child, stunned by this incredible gift he's been given, a gift he'd never dared hope for but wanted more than anything in the world.

And what a gift it was, a man's life, his entire life. I don't know anything about what goes on in universities, what it takes to work for a PhD, but I do know Blair, always carting around tons of books and notes to stakeouts, reading or writing at Jim's side while we sat huddled in cramped cars or smelly apartments, waiting for some hoodlum or other to show up. He'd always be as deeply focused as any good detective honing in on a crucial clue in a case, and we all always gave him plenty of space when he got like that, out of respect for the seriousness of the work we could feel he was doing -- and if any fool didn't get the clue and started even thinking about bugging Sandburg, a glare from Ellison would quickly disabuse him of any such notion.

Sure, we all teased Sandburg, especially when his enthusiasm for delving into an intriguing line of research got the better of him -- but we did it because we were too awed by him, by his intelligence, his enthusiasm, his dedication to what he was doing. It was either tease him or fall down and worship him. Well, we did fall down and worship him when word came out about the possible Nobel Prize; I mean, what else can you do with a guy like that? How can you tell him with a straight face how awed and inadequate he makes you feel with his brilliance? And not only was he smart, but he had guts, too. So when he found the one thread that neatly tied up all the clues in a case that everyone else had missed, or he took out yet another gun-toting criminal with some handy object that nobody else would have thought of using for a weapon, you just had to tease him because otherwise you'd start babbling like an awe-stuck idiot.

As for Ellison -- Ellison always doted on the kid, showering affection on him like a kid brother, like, like -- oh, we'd laugh over how the kid had Ellison wrapped around his fingers, but then, the way the kid trotted after Ellison like a love-stuck puppy, it sometimes seemed like all Ellison had to do was wiggle a finger and the kid'd jump to do his bidding. No two people ever seemed to fit so well together, so suited to each other, so mutually giving of each other to one another. After a while, you didn't care what kind of relationship they really had, you were just glad to have them around, because watching them together kind of made you a bit happier yourself.

And the truth is, Jim respected Blair. Deeply. He never made much of a fuss over that point, but when he said "This is my partner," no one even thought to question that, you know? Well, they did, but their questions would sort of die in their throat. Few people ever got "What's a civilian doing partnered with a Cascade PD detective?" out of their mouths. Yeah, try having Jim looming in your face, saying with all seriousness, "This is my partner," and what could you do but say, "Yes, that is your partner," and move on? Jim treated Sandburg seriously, which was mostly enough to get other people to take Sandburg seriously, too.

The stories of Blair's parts in the Switchman case and Kincaid's takeover of the PD headquarters have been repeated over and over until they're starting to take mythic proportions, but even just taking the facts on record, it's enough to convince you that this is a guy who deserves respect, someone who keeps his head in tight situations, who can be trusted to back you up as well as any trained cop. But Ellison's respect for Sandburg always ran deeper than that -- and now that the truth is out, we all know why. Well, at least those of us who know the truth. And the devastating truth is that the truth has to remain buried, hidden, shielded from the public eye, not only to protect Ellison, but also the PD. A lot of work that the PD accomplished through Ellison's powers could come crashing around on us if the truth were known -- which is an ugly disgusting fact, but nevertheless true.

We all pushed aside the implications of the publicizing of Ellison's senses, and of Sandburg's refutation of it, and just concentrated on protecting Bartley and trying to catch Zeller. Both Jim and Blair were doing their best to act normal, and everyone just went along with it, though we all knew they were both hurting inside. But nobody knew what to do, or what to say, so we all just concentrated on the job.

And now -- now the bullpen is slowly being put back together. All the injured are in the hospital recuperating, and plans being made for burying the fallen. Simon will live, thank god, and Megan is well on her way to recovery. And we are all here, quiet, not talking, each doing our part in returning normalcy to the place, knowing in our hearts nothing will be the same ever again.

What do we do? What can we do? What'll happen next? How's Blair feeling? And Jim? What'll happen to them? Can Blair stay with the PD? Will Jim? If we only knew what we can do, we'll do anything, anything for those two. But nobody knows what to do, we can only wait.

What will tomorrow bring?

My god, my god. I was right, I was right. The world isn't ready for him, there's no place in it for his gifts.

How I wish I were wrong.

My son, my firstborn. I wanted the best in the world for you. I wanted to get you the sun, the moon and the stars. I wanted to give you all the pearls in the sea, and diamonds from the depth of the earth. Too late I realized all you needed was my heart.

I tried, I really did. I did the best I could with what I had. I made you hide your gifts, afraid of what I didn't understand. I told you winning was everything, forgetting that what's important is how you play the game. I turned you and Stephen against each other, believing that I was preparing you for the world. I taught you fear instead of compassion, misgiving instead of trust. I crushed the soul that was given me to nurture.

I was wrong, I was wrong, and I only realized it when I was left with an empty house and an emptier life. My sons were strangers to me, living lives which I followed only from afar. I grieved for you when you were lost, and rejoiced when you were found, but you never knew. I learned of your marriage from the papers, and a business associate told me about your divorce. I first saw Blair beside you in an article about the Sunrise Patriot's takeover of the PD.

I was wrong, but you still became the best man I know, always dedicated to serve and protect. I was proud of you, even if I had no right. Despite everything, I couldn't have done everything wrong, could I? Something had to be right, for you to be the man you are. Right? Right?

I don't know, I don't know. Sometimes I think I must have done something right. Sometimes I think I did nothing right. That you are the man you are despite everything I've done wrong. That others picked up the slacks I failed to see, patched up the holes I didn't know I wrought, tended the heart I forgot to care for.

Bud did, Sally did, and Blair certainly did. I wished for the best for you, and instead of the sun, the moon, pearls and diamonds, you got Blair. I would have never, in my wildest dreams, imagined that what you would need was this, this... wild hair, bright smile, engaging voice; solid body, bracing me as I limped off the field. I watched you smile down at him, and I saw you and Stevie before I drove a wedge between you and drove you apart. And he smiled back at you, and it reminded me of the days I was happy with my wife.

You told me, you had a gift. You told me, it was a burden sometimes but it's who you are. And I saw you at peace with yourself, as you should have been, as I should have let you be. Instead, I forced you to stuff it down, to deny who you were. And it was Blair who had given you that, given you back yourself. I didn't need to be told, I could see it in you, and in him.

I was wrong, about so many things, so many things. Why couldn't I be wrong about this too? The world isn't ready for you, it doesn't know what to do with your gift. And I would give my life to protect you, but no, it has to be Blair, why does it have to be Blair?

Blair. My god, I don't deserve this, I don't deserve this, I was supposed to protect Jim, and I failed. Why is it you who must sacrifice your life to save Jim? Oh, I know you didn't do it for me, I don't even count in your equation. You did it because it's what you felt you must, it has nothing to do with me. I lost any claim to Jim a long time ago, I don't have any claim even to any share of the blame. But the fact is, I promised, I promised, before Jim was born, to take care of him, to be a good father to him, and I failed. I failed, and yet Jim has you.

Jim has you.