The events that are described in this story take place during Sentinel Too, Part 1. The narration of the story, however, is taking place at the beginning of Part 2. As we all know, in S2P1, Jim throws Blair out of the loft. In this story, Jim does something else, causing Blair to spend a night at Megan's place.

WARNING!!: angst, partner betrayal, non-consensual sex referred to

Okay, dying sucks.

My whole body feels bloated. My stomach bobbles, as if there's water sloshing in there. There probably is water sloshing in there. My throat hurts. My chest hurts. There's going to be a massive bruise there, from the CPR. My mouth tastes like something vile you wouldn't want to come within a yard of. The taste of chlorine sticks to the back of my throat. Yes, dying sucked, big time.

I wish I could say that dying was the worst thing that happened to me this week. I wish...

Where is Jim? He was with me in the ambulance. He held my hand the entire ride. He was walking beside the stretcher as they wheeled me into the emergency room. Then somebody stopped him at the door to the treatment room. I haven't seen him since.

Stubborn bastard. Spineless coward. Didn't you say you were sorry? Didn't you say you loved me? Come to me, then. Hold me. Heal me. Give me my life back. Well, I suppose you did that already, but you know what I mean.

Don't you know that you are the only one who can heal me, make me whole again? I need your arms around me, feel the warmth of your breath against my neck. I need to know I still love you, need to know you still love me. I. Need. You.

I need to know I can... that we can... that you...

that you...

That wasn't you. I know. I know. It wasn't you.

After all, you heard me, didn't you? You stopped. You didn't do it. You didn't. It just caught us both off guard. Neither of us was expecting that. It's not your fault. It's not. It's mine. How can I tell you that if you won't come?

Are you still mad I didn't tell you about Alex? Are you mad at me for making you hurt me? I had no idea that will happen. I had no idea that was how you'd react. If only I had known. If only.

Stop it, Blair. This kind of thinking isn't going to help. Oh, Jim. If only you would let me talk to you. If only you would let me touch you. Hold you in my arms. Tell you it's all right.

Is it?

Yesterday... oh god, is it just yesterday? Yesterday, I couldn't help jumping every time Jim came near me. My heart skipped a beat every time I thought he might touch me. Once, when he actually did touch me, I flinched.

It didn't matter that I knew why it happened, had told you why it happened, that we were both aware of it, could control it now, prevent it from happening again. My body just reacted. My mind and heart could have forgiven, but my body didn't forget.

Oh god.

I need to feel safe again in your arms. I need you to teach my body to trust you again. You are the only one who can do that, don't you see? You hurt me, now you need to heal me. You need to make me whole again, give my life back to me. Don't you see? Don't you see?

Last night I tried to tell you that. I begged you to let me come home with you. You smiled sadly and told me to go stay with Megan. You said it was better if I stay away for a while. I was just too exhausted to push. And I couldn't stand another night of Megan's concerned, questioning gaze.

I dragged myself to my office. I sat at my desk, staring at nothing. That's where Alex found me. I saw her standing in the doorway, and knew she had come to kill me.

I wondered where you were. I almost hoped you were dead. I don't know which was worse, the dread that filled my soul at the thought of a world without you, or the anguish that filled my heart as I imagined you finding my dead body.

Oh, Jim, Jim.

Jim, you are my life, I need you.

Jim.

The spotted jaguar of your vision. Why didn't I realize what it was? I should have known the moment I found Alex. It just completely slipped my mind. Why didn't I insist you tell me about it, when you first mentioned it? Why did I let Simon pull me away? Another jaguar. Another Sentinel. Why didn't I make the connection?

When you pulled the gun on me, why didn't I insist you talk about why you did that? You usually know it's me coming down the hall. You say I have a distinct pattern in my walk that you'd recognize anywhere. I bet you can smell me through the door. What was I thinking, letting an incident like that slide by unexamined?

When did I stop doing my job?

Was I so excited at the prospect of finding another Sentinel? Like a child with a new toy who casts aside his old one? Oh, Jim, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. How can you forgive me?

Come to me. I need to be healed. Come to me. You need to be healed. Come to me. We need to heal each other.

Touch me again. Let it wash away the memories of that time. Hold me. Gently, like I were the most delicate petal of a rose. Crush me to you, like I were the stoutest tree in the forest. Make love to me, like I were the most precious thing on this earth to you.

Jim, Jim, that wasn't you, the raging Sentinel defending his territory. The primal beast trying to reclaim its mate. Can't you forgive me for allowing it to get loose? Can't you trust yourself to control it? Can't you believe in us to get over this?

Jim, please come. I'm dying here.