DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters and property of Stargate SG-1 belong to MGM/UA, World Gekko Corp. and Double Secret Productions.  This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment purposes and no money was made from it.  Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended.  Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.  Any other characters, the storyline and the actual story are the property of the author.  Not to be archived without permission of the author(s).

*Right, O'Neill...Did you really expect it to be that easy?*

But it makes me feel better....

In fact it makes me feel so much better, I do it again.

"Daniel! It's me, Jack!"

Oh, yeah, I definitely feel better now....

I round a stand of boulders and hear a sound...might've been a voice...

"Hi, Jack...."

The voice is sad, raw....drained, yet nearly bursting with pure emotion....

So where is....

Small pebbles tumble down from the boulder, narrowly missing my head and I look up...

Daniel is sitting there on top of the boulder, cross-legged staring off across the valley below us...funny, I thought he hated high places....

He looks like hell....Unshaven, dirty fatigues, weary right down to his soul.

I climb up and sit beside him, but he doesn't look at me...just keeps staring off into space. I don't think he really even sees the vast landscape stretched out before him; his eyes are seeing something else entirely, if they're seeing anything at all....

I don't know what to say at this point, I know what not to say...not 'I'm sorry'...not 'I regret your loss'... all the yadda yadda platitudes, for all their good intent, mean essentially nothing when your guts are ripped wide open and your heart's laying on the floor...

I just reach out and put a hand on his shoulder ; just to let him know that I'm here, that I'll be here. If he wants to sit here all night, that's what we'll do. If he wants to laugh, cry or shout, that's what we'll do. If he wants to stay here on this mountain for a whole damn month, that's what we'll do.

The only thing I won't do is leave him alone with this...

He nods a little, still not looking at me, but his eyes regain a little focus...like he's coming back from wherever he's been...and he looks down at his clasped hands.

"I'm sorry, Jack..."

I want to choke him for that.

God knows, he had reason enough to go crazy and take off like this...he's got nothing to apologize for. But that's Daniel for you...always quicker to see what he's done to others than what others have done to him.

I don't trust myself to say anything yet, so I just squeeze his shoulder tighter...

He gasps a little as if he's coming up from under water and a rush of grief visibly overtakes him...

I pull him closer and just hold on to him. His entire body shudders with the depth of loss, the end of hope...the realization that this time she's really gone. I'm sure this isn't the first time he's cried and I know it won't be the last, but as I sit here rocking him gently in the gathering dark, I try to tell him he never has to do it alone...

By the time he goes quiet, it's completely dark. He's so still that for a moment I think he's gone to sleep, but he finally gives a ragged sigh and raises up slowly...pulling away...

I figure it's time to get practical here...

"We going to spend the night on this rock?"

I feel him shrug under my hand and take that as a positive sign. I dig around in my pack for the flashlight and help him climb down from the boulder, leading him down to a clearing I remember passing earlier. Helping Daniel lean up against a log, I move to gather some wood and start a fire using one of the flares. It's really getting cold now that the sun's gone. I've got a jacket, but Daniel doesn't; when he shucked off everything back at the SGC, he pulled off all but his two shirts. He'll be lucky if he doesn't wind up with pneumonia after two nights up here without so much as a fire.

I wish we had more gear.

When the fire's going, I walk over and put my jacket around him. He nods, but just lays there with his eyes closed. It's almost like he's numb; shock, I guess, or something close to it....

I pull out the pint of Southern Comfort and put it into his hand. He looks up at me finally and takes a deep swallow without blinking. I take a healthy swig myself before putting it away. I don't want him to get drunk...it might help for a little while, but it's a bad habit I don't want to see him get started on. I just hope it will loosen up that knot I know he has in his stomach and let him sleep...

He's just sitting there staring into the firelight now looking...lost. He's back from wherever he was up on that rock, but he's a long way from the here and now...

I gather enough wood to keep the fire going for awhile and then join Daniel, sitting close enough that he can feel my presence, but far enough not to intrude on his personal space. ..the last thing I want to do right now is crowd him...

His eyes close gradually and his breathing slows and deepens, The Southern Comfort, the warmth from the fire...everything...has finally helped him relax. I'm willing to bet this the first actual sleep he's had in days.

I set my internal monitors, implanting the crucial message to wake at the slightest noise, to keep a portion of my senses on guard for any change in the immediate area...then I sleep.

It's well into the night when I hear Daniel's voice call out Sha'uri's name.

Nightmare.

My eyes snap open and I've got a hand on Daniel before the second syllable of her name fades...

He's breathing in deep shuddering gasps, pulling out of the nightmare...seeming to realize that this particular nightmare is real...

I pull him close and talk to him, bringing him painfully back to the despised reality where his wife is really and truly gone...where he can still see the smile on her face as the demon inside her took pleasure in trying to kill him...

He doesn't cry again, just repeats over and over, "Why, Jack?"

*God, Daniel I wish I knew....*

And even if I did know, there's no answer that he'd be willing...or ready...to accept right now...

I don't even know what I'm saying to him, the words aren't important, just the being here...

Daniel's voice finally fades off into sleep...restless and fitful, but sleep. I just sit there holding on to him, one hand on his head, as if by sheer will I could take some of this pain away from him...

A rush of memory floods over me...

*Sha'uri, so sweet and trusting....the light and life in Daniel's eyes every time he looked at her....the wrenching pain of loss written all over his face as he watched his wife turn into a stranger and watched that stranger coldly observe Apophis fling him away like a rag doll...the absolute grief and love on his face as he lay beside her and said goodbye for the last time...*

Only it won't be the last time...

I know Daniel, he'll relive that day a thousand times in his dreams...and nightmares....

I can feel my own chest fill and my eyes overflow...my heart is full of sadness for my best and closest friend, and there's nothing I can do to make it right....

Back
Back to Stories Page