DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters and property of Stargate SG-1 belong to MGM/UA, World Gekko Corp. and Double Secret Productions.  This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment purposes and no money was made from it.  Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended.  Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.  Any other characters, the storyline and the actual story are the property of the author.  Not to be archived without permission of the author(s).

Chapter 5: Jack

Daniel's off in that o-zone again...that deep thoughtful place that he's been retreating to a lot lately...even before all of this happened. I can do companionable silence...even enjoy it sometimes (contrary to popular belief, I don't have to fill every idle moment with chatter), but this isn't it...

Daniel's gone somewhere I can't go...somewhere he doesn't want me to follow...

I miss the days when he could go on for hours talking about the simplest things with an enthusiasm and life that I really did envy, even if I couldn't entirely understand it. It seems like a lifetime ago...

I watch the emotions rushing in and out of his eyes at almost the same speed as thoughts through his brain...they aren't good thoughts; they run the gamut from hurt, anger, guilt, pain, loneliness, to that infinite sadness that resonates inside of me with a bitter familiarity. Right now, I think he's forgotten I'm even here...he's lost in that private hell where only he can go, where he won't allow me to help...

I've been there with him before; after Abydos, after Chulak, after Nem, after Hathor, after Shyla...He learned how to let me...us...help him. But now....?

I was there after all the many pains and heartaches he's had to deal with because of the Goa'uld, but also, ultimately, because we went through that gate back to Abydos in the first place...my fault as much as anybody's, but I know Daniel takes that guilt on himself as well...In the end, it's nobody's fault. They say shit happens, but that doesn't begin to cover it. Apophis happened. The Goa'uld happened. The Stargate happened. All that stuff happened to bring us to the point where Amaunet tried to kill him and Teal'c reacted in the only way he could....

But knowing that's not going to make it go away.

It's not going to make it any easier.

It's not going to bring Daniel back to us....

Unless he can learn to depend on us again.

I just don't exactly know what's going to make that happen...or even if it can.

I've been where he is right now and the one thing I know for sure is that...in the end, you can't go back....you can only move forward from where you are. I'm just not sure anymore if we can get there from here. We can't pretend none of the things that happened in the past few months didn't....We can just try to rebuild what's been lost and try to help Daniel ....

I just hope it isn't too late...

Sitting here watching his eyes droop in the firelight...still caught up in that private play of emotion as sleep moves in to claim him, I can only wonder if he can hold on until we can find that place...

He's still so lost, and I don't know if he even wants...or knows how...to be found...

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