DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters and property of Stargate SG-1 belong to MGM/UA, World Gekko Corp. and Double Secret Productions.  This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment purposes and no money was made from it.  Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended.  Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.  Any other characters, the storyline and the actual story are the property of the author.  Not to be archived without permission of the author(s).

Chapter 6: Daniel

// Sha'uri comes toward me, dressed as I saw her that first night on Abydos; sweet, innocent, uncertain. I reach for her and she comes into my arms. I can smell the desert perfumes in her hair...

In a flash of blinding light and pain, she is suddenly standing above me...eyes glowing beyond the killing light of the ribbon device....

"My host cannot help you."

'Hear me, Daniel...'

The gun slips out of my hand and from behind me comes a flash of light and sound, the pain stops and I fall to the floor. As if through a haze, I see her beside me on the floor....

"You did the right thing, Teal'c...."

And he did, I know he did, but how am I ever going to be able to forget that he was the one who took her away from me...twice....

Forgiving is a much easier thing than forgetting.... //

I come awake all at once, sitting up too quickly...causing the blood to rush to my head and my vision to darken for a moment...

As the dizziness fades, I look around the room to see Jack asleep on the other sofa. It's still dark outside...must be late...or early...

When I can trust my legs to hold me up, I maneuver my way to the sliding glass doors that open onto the small deck. Grabbing a jacket from the peg, I step out as quietly as I can. I just need to get out....

I make it as far as the deck steps before I have to sit down again.

'Damn this weakness...'

I want to walk....I need to clear my head before it explodes; that's kind of hard to do when I can't even manage ten yards at a stretch....

I've left my glasses inside, so I can't see the stars; I can barely see the ocean in the moonlit darkness. Figuring it isn't worth the effort of going back in after them, I just close my eyes and listen to the surf rolling in, letting the whisper-crash carry me away...

It seems like I sit here for a long time, when I feel something warm wrap around my shoulders and something cold touch my hand. A blanket and my glasses.

Jack.

He starts to go back inside, but...

"Jack...?"

"Yeah, Daniel?"

I don't even know what it is I want to say: 'thank you,' 'I'm sorry,' 'why?'....

"Can we go for a drive?"

He looks at me a long moment, but in the darkness I can't read his expression. He nods and reaches out a hand to help me up. He doesn't ask where I want to go. I guess he knows that it isn't the 'where' that matters, just the going...

He heads onto the highway that follows the ocean; driving fast, but not too fast...steering the little rental car without a word....

My mind accepts this substitute for personal movement and the cobwebs start to clear. Jack just drives...letting me sit and absorb the welcome nothingness as I stare out over the ocean...

It helps...

For the first time since...it happened...my mind goes completely unfocused, the thoughts, dreams, nightmares fade away into the void...an absence of thought that brings a release I never even suspected I needed until it comes...

Jack just keeps driving....

I don't even realize that tears are falling until one of them hits my hand, but I don't bother to wipe them away. I'm past caring what anybody thinks and I know that, of all people, Jack understands. Beyond the doubts that plague me, I am certain of that.

I don't know how long we travel like that...Jack lost in his own thoughts, me...just watching the vast ocean through a blurry haze of silent tears...

I come back to myself when I feel the car slow and stop, looking up I see the lights of a convenience store and look over at Jack.

He smiles crookedly in apology, "I need some real coffee."

I feel like an idiot, dragging him out here in the middle of the night. "God...Jack, I'm sorry..."

He lifts a finger and wags it at me. "Ah ah...it's no big deal. I just want a cup. Need anything?"

I shake my head and he gets out, complaining loudly about the cramped car the rental company stuck him with. I lay my head back on the seat and close my eyes...

// Jack's eyes look at me through the confusion on his face. His inability to express himself verbally in no way hampering the expressiveness of his eyes and features. He trusts me to find an answer to this, or at least some way to communicate...but time and again I fail..

Jack holding me tightly in the SGC storeroom...and how many times later during the torment of withdrawal? His eyes reflect a measure of trust I hadn't hoped to ever see again when he told General Hammond that he wanted me back on SG1...back on his team...

Jack's eyes looking uncomfortable and afraid; even without my glasses I could see him jump back as I dove for the image I thought was standing behind Teal'c...looking just as discomfited when MacKenzie called him back there for me...looking like he was humoring the flaky team mate he'd always proclaimed me to be... //

I jump at a touch on my shoulder. We're...I don't know where we are.... We're back on the coast highway, parked on the shoulder. Jack's looking at me like I've sprouted a new head...or just cut off his...

I shake my head...apologizing, questioning....

"You were getting kind of restless there..." Jack clears his throat, almost as if....

No, not Jack....

My hands, my body...tremble in a sudden rush of intense feeling and I feel a sinking in my stomach. I automatically reach for the car door and get out...

I feel like I can't breathe...

I hear Jack cursing and getting out behind me as I walk out a little from the car, breathing deeply and trying to regain some control....

The peaceful release from earlier is gone and I feel like I want to scream....

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