DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters and property of Stargate SG-1 belong to MGM/UA, World Gekko Corp. and Double Secret Productions.  This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment purposes and no money was made from it.  Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended.  Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.  Any other characters, the storyline and the actual story are the property of the author.  Not to be archived without permission of the author(s).

Chapter 8: Daniel

I hit the sofa again as soon as I get through the door...my body is still trembling from pushing myself too far for too long and my side is starting to ache....

It's been a long night....

Jack drops another blanket over me (*Janet must've really threatened him*) and heads into the kitchen. I hear him banging and rattling before he finally comes back with mugs of soup and a handful of crackers.

For once, I'm actually hungry.

Jack's looking at me and trying not to look like he's looking at me....

I don't know what to do.

Most of me understands...everything...but...

On top of that other pain there's still this ache inside, this feeling that I'm more alone than I've ever been in my life...that there's a wall between me and the friends I thought I could count on that can never be torn away...

And yet, I know beyond any doubt that Jack has been here for me from the beginning, will be there...but...

Maybe I'm just trying to keep them from hurting me again. Maybe I'm just tired of getting close to people only to lose them again. Maybe I'd just rather go it alone, like in the dream, because in the end it's the only safe way to go. Maybe I'm just as flaky as everybody seems to think I am and I really did deserve to be locked up in Mental Heath.

Maybe...hell....

I remember how I felt back on Hathor's planet...hearing that everyone was dead...A familiar coldness settled over me then, the icy grip of a defensive mode that I'd learned the hard way as a kid and never entirely let go of...until Sha'uri...until SG1....

Then it all went to hell...and I just don't know what to do with myself anymore...

*Promise me, Daniel...*

Why did she make me promise that?

'To keep you from running away, smart guy...'

It's important that we find the boy, I know that, but all I really want to do is run as far and as fast as I can...find a place to bury my head in sand and rocks and forget I ever knew about the Goa'uld....

'That's realistic...'

I'm sick to death with being realistic..with being responsible...

Jack's still looking at me...real subtle, Jack....

I have to fight down a surge of unreasonable anger, knowing it's unreasonable, knowing it's unworthy....knowing it's going to drag me down if I can't get a handle on it somehow....

I don't know what he expects from me....well, I do...but...

I don't know if I can give it to him...

I don't know if I can give it to myself.

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