Author's Notes: To my beta reader, Tiffany. She tried to fix my worst mistakes.
DISCLAIMER: All characters and property of Stargate SG-1 belong to MGM/UA, World Gekko Corp. and Double Secret Productions. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Any other characters, the storyline and the actual story are the property of the author.
General Hammond knew that this would be an interesting debriefing--SG1 was rarely boring. They had returned no more than ten minutes ago with an obect that resembled a six-foot tall polished penis. He was interested in why anyone one would send such an object home with explorers.
The team filed into the main conference room. O'Neill had a strange smile on his face. The glint in his eye was sparkling as if he were planning a practical joke and was just waiting for the trap to spring.
The general took his place at the head of the table. Daniel took a seat as far from Jack as possible, trying to stay out of his line of sight. He also pulled out his patented invisible act. He remained quiet and barely moved.
Jack began the standard report. He deemed the mission a success but smiled at the end of the military information.
"Daniel, why don't you explain your gift?"
"Well, the natives were decedents of the Indus Valley. They appeared to have based their belief system on a pre-Hindu..." Daniel tried a tactic he had learned from his first archeology professor. He would overload the listener with irrelevant information and hope that they forgot what they had asked so he didn't have to admit that he didn't know the answer.
"The gift," Jack redirected him, mildly amused with Daniel's avasions.
"It is a phallic symbol. It is meant to promote prosperity and growth. The Hindu culture has several similar..."
"The gift," Jack redirected him again, now less amused and angrier.
"Ah...ah," he took a deep breath and started again, trying a new diversionary tactic. "The political significant of the gift is interesting. It's a long the lines of the Taj Ma Hal. Since it was built to be a replicate of heaven on earth, it told his opponents that he had a part of heaven and they didn't. Therefore he was closer to God and he had the right to rule. The ultimate one-ups-men-ship."
"Daniel!" and exasperated Jack yelled.
"I'm explaining the cultural relevance," Daniel started.
"You're stalling. Now please start with the mission and explain in simple but complete sentences," Jack voice was now dripping with sarcasm. He gave Daneil his commanding officer stare, expecting Daniel to start again, this time telling the whole story.
Daniel blushed deeply and looked at the general, hoping for a reprieve. None came. He started again, trying to remember his orders. "Everything was going fine until the yesterday. One of the natives observed me...ah...relieving myself and noticed that I was different from the villagers."
"What was different?" Jack prodded, smiling as Daniel turned ever redder.
"I'm sure the general understands," He finally started to fighting back slightly. He refused to discuss his anatomy with everyone there.
The General chimed in, not understanding this apparent anger between Jack and Daniel. He was confused by Daniel's story but he would rather hear the rest of the story,
"I do understand. Continue with the story."
"I tried to explain that the differences were because of a cultural tradition but they saw the. . . modification. . . as. . . a defect, " Daniel had started at his volume but letting his voice get softer and softer. "They didn't believe that I could father children."
"Louder, Daniel," Jack ordered.
"Jack, why are you being so hostile?" Daniel demanded, totally mystified by Jack's attitude. He knew the events of the that followed weren't pleasant but no one was hurt...seriously.
"Your explanations and appeasement and . . . and . . . " Jack almost shouted. "The local priest pulled me into a hut and did a personal examination. Then the rumor mill started and all the women in the village were after me, offering to allow me to try to father a child."
"What are you complaining about? You conned Sam into protect you. You even claimed to have fathered Cassie! After the first uproar you were off the hook. Four different women slipped into my bed last night. Another three offered over breakfast," Daniel was all but yelling now. "You claimed Sam! None of the women believed me that I was married. After all you brought your 'mate' with you. You got a full nights sleep."
The General finally understood this rather convoluted and embarrassing story. "Dr. Jackson, Colonel O'Neill, calm down. Now let me see if I understand this. We are now the proud owners of a six-foot tall penis because you are both circumcised?"
Jack answered, "Yes sir."
"It sounds to me like a simple cultural misunderstanding," Hammond said, knowing that the silliest incidents could break the best of teams apart. "Fine. Now. Both of you get over it." He gave each man a meaningful look, wanting to be sure they understood the order. "Does anyone have anything else to add?"
No one answered.
"Dismissed." SG1 was raising from their seats when the General added "Oh, does anyone have any suggestions on what we are going to do with it?"
No no answered but Sam and Teal'C snickered as they left.