Author's Notes: Very, very odd. I got the idea while I was reading Bastet's MRE's and SPAM, and I thought... Dr Seuss crossover! I can do that! Anyway, happy holidays everyone!
DISCLAIMER: All characters and property of Stargate SG-1 belong to MGM/UA, World Gekko Corp. and Double Secret Productions. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Any other characters, the storyline and the actual story are the property of the author.
Every Tau’ri
Down in the SGC
Liked Christmas a lot...
But the Goa’uld
Who lived just light-years away from the Tau’ri,
Did NOT!
The Goa’uld hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his wife’s host didn’t celebrate right.
It could be, perhaps, that his metal cap was on tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.
But,
Whatever the reason,
His cap or Sha’uri,
He stood there on Chu’lak, hating the Tau’ri,
So far away he could feel, even in his lair,
All the happiness and love that was emanating from there.
For he knew every Tau’ri on the Tau’ri’s home base
Was busy now, decorating their Stargate with lace.
“And they are hanging their stockings!” he snarled to Amaunet.
“Tomorrow just happens to be Christmas Day!”
Then he growled, with his Goa’uld hand ribbons drumming,
“I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!”
For,
Tomorrow he knew...
...All the members of the SGC, the doctors and the peasants,
Would wake bright and early. They’d rush for their presents!
And then! Oh, the grins! Oh the Grins! Grins! Grins! Grins!
That’s one of the things he hated! The GRINS! GRINS! GRINS! GRINS!
Then the Tau’ri, young and old, would sit down to an eat.
And they’d eat! And they’d eat!
And they’d EAT!
EAT!
EAT!
EAT!
They would eat the MREs, and the rare, home-cooked food,
Which was something the Goa’uld couldn’t stand to have chewed.
And THEN
They’d do something
He liked least of all!
Every Tau’ri in the base, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.
They’d stand hand-in-hand. And the Tau’ri would start singing!
They’d sing!
And they’d sing!
AND they’d SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more the Goa’uld thought of this Tau’ri-Christmas-Sing,
The more the Goa’uld thought, “I must stop this whole thing!
“Why, for a whole Showtime season I’ve put up with it now!
“I MUST stop this Christmas from coming!”
...But HOW?
The he got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE GOA’ULD
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
“I know just what to do!” The Goa’uld laughed at his gag.
And he made a quick blue uniform with stars and a flag.
And he chuckled, and clucked, “What a great Goa’uld forge!
“With this uniform I will look just like General George!”
“All I need is a Stargate...”
The Goa’uld looked around.
But, since Stargates are scarce, there were none to be found.
Did that stop the Goa’uld...?
No! The Goa’uld simply said,
“If I can’t find a Stargate, I’ll ship there instead!”
So he told a Jaffa, ‘Kree.’ Then he took some molten lead
And he poured in a cartouche on his big Jaffa forehead.
THEN
He loaded some zats
Some old-looking tacs
A bunch of Jaffa guys
And he didn’t forget his sarcophagi.
Then the Goa’uld said “Kree!”
And the ship left its turf
Towards the home of the Tau’ri
Or as we call it, Earth.
All their military bases were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
The Goa’uld was able to land without a care.
When he came to the first base, Cheyenne Mountain Complex,
“This is stop number one!” he refused to relax,
He loaded his armor with grenades and some tacs.
Then he slipped into the base- A rather hard job you see,
But he was Hammond, and if Hammond could, so could he.
He got caught only once, for a second, and fast,
But that all ended with a zat’nik’atel blast.
Then in the control room he stood, looking around,
The hanging stockings he knocked to the ground.
Then he roamed a bit more, off the infirmary with a grin to kill,
Around the room he stole every sedative and pill!
Off to the labs, where there was even more still.
Artifacts, bills, and samples the Goa’uld packed away,
He hoped to give to his First Prime one day.
With all this stuff he took, he was not yet on his way.
He slunk to the cafeteria. He took the MREs!
He took the canned chicken, canned spinach, canned peas!
He cleaned out that kitchen as fast as you please.
Why, that Goa’uld stole the molding cheese!
Then he stuffed all that food towards the door with a grin so great.
“And NOW!” grinned the Goa’uld, “I will steal their Stargate!”
And the Goa’uld grabbed the Gate and started to haul
When he heard a small sound, like a little call.
He turned around fast, he saw a small Tau’ri
Sam Carter, with a look on her face that almost made him sorry.
The Goa’uld had been caught by this young Tau’ri doc
Who had woken up and was now in a state of shock.
She stared at the Goa’uld and said, “Sir, with all due respect,
“Why are you moving the Stargate? Does it have a defect?”
But you know, that Goa’uld was so smart and so slick,
He thought up a lie and he thought it up quick!
“Why, Captain Carter,” the fake Hammond lied,
“There’s a chevron on this Gate that won’t engage on one side.
“So I’m taking it away to be worked on, don’t fear.
“I will have it fixed and brought back here!”
And his fib fooled the Captain, she gave him a salute
And he sent her to bed and returned to his loot.
Heaving and moaning he hauled up the Gate
Told the Jaffa to load it, and went back to wait.
Then the last things he took
(That old Goa’uld crook)
Were the phones to start Wildfire
And the computer system the Tau’ri had to MacGyver.
And the one ration of food
That he left in the base
Was a crumb so small, it hadn’t a taste.
Then
He did the same thing
To the other Tau’ri bases
Stealing their MREs
And canned peas
As to wipe the smile off of all Tau’ri faces.
It was a quarter past dawn...
All those Tau’ri not yet waking
All those Tau’ri still a sleep taking
When he packed up his ship,
Packed it with stuff, ready for his trip.
Their computers! Their Stargate!
Their paper to tell them the date!
Three thousand miles up! Up into the space unmapped,
He was preparing to dump all their useless crap,
“Poo-Poo on the Tau’ri!” the Goa’uld said, humming,
“They’re just finding out that no Christmas is coming!
“They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do!
“Their mouths will hang open at the loss of their Gate,
“And they will cry for years at their sealed fate!”
“That’s a sight,” smiled the Goa’uld,
“That I simply must see!”
So he steered the ship down back near the Tau’ri.
And he watched as the members of the SGC came out.
A sound started low... Then grew to a shout!
But the sound wasn’t sad!
Why, this sound was merry!
It couldn’t be so!
But it WAS merry! Very!
He stared at the Tau’ri from the SGC,
Their faces were filled with not sorrow but glee!
The Goa’uld took a second look.
Then he shook.
Every Tau’ri from the SGC, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without a present or Gate at all!
He HADN’T stopped Christmas from coming.
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same.
And the Goa’uld, with their Gate, stepped out into the snow.
Stood puzzling, and thinking: “How could it be so?
“Christmas came without Gates! It came without cheese!
“It came without dates or MREs!”
And the Goa’uld puzzled for hours, until he had such a thought.
Maybe the Tau’ri weren’t as bad as he’d been taught!
“Maybe happiness” he thought, “doesn’t come from being cruel.
“Perhaps if I had friends, I wouldn’t need to rule.”
And what happened then...?
Well...in the SGC they say
That the Goa’uld’s heart
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn’t feel so tight,
He unloaded their stuff, to make it all right.
He brought back the sedatives and pills!
He brought back the bills and fees!
And he...
...HE HIMSELF...!
The Goa’uld opened the MREs!