Author's Notes: As always, I want to thank my beta readers for listening to me (and Daniel) babble. Thank you ladies, your input, encouragement and friendship is forever invaluable to me. Also, thanks to those who read the stories and send comments. It's greatly appreciated!
DISCLAIMER: All characters and property of Stargate SG-1 belong to MGM/UA, World Gekko Corp. and Double Secret Productions. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Any other characters and the actual story are the property of the author.
"Do What You Have To Do" written by Sarah McLachlan and Coleen Wolstenholme Published by Sony/ATV Songs LLC, Tyde Music (BMI)/Nettwerk Music Publishing (SOCAN). From Sarah McLachlan's CD release, "Surfacing".
Doctor Daniel Jackson, Anthropologist, Egyptologist and member of SG-1, wearily turned the key and pushed open the door to his apartment. Once inside, he pushed the door closed with his foot and dumped the bags of clothes and books onto the floor. Without stopping to look or check on anything, he stepped around the pile on the floor and nearly threw himself at the sofa. Automatically, he clicked on the stereo to cover the deafening silence in the room.
Kicking off his shoes and stretching out on the soft cushions, Daniel sighed out loud,. The past three weeks were a blur of missions, briefings and reports. And something else, but his mind wouldn't quite let him think of that, not just yet.
Granted some missions went better than others, but the mission to P8X425 had been a total disaster. Things had certainly started out well enough, for maybe 5 minutes. Just as Daniel had managed to convince the natives that SG-1 were not Goa'ulds, a group of Jaffa, led by Apophis had come through the Gate. During the battle that ensued, the team got split in two, and then the natives, hoping to appease the "gods" had turned Sam and Daniel over to the Jaffa.
Jack and Teal'c had managed to rescue them, with the help of some sympathetic villagers who did not believe in the self-proclaimed gods. But not before the pair were heavily "interrogated" by Apophis. Even now, Daniel's head still throbbed from the Goa'uld ribbon device and Sam's leg would take another week to properly heal. Worst of all had been seeing Sha're with Apophis. The last conscious memory Daniel had of the planet P8X425 was of Sha're standing beside Apophis, unwilling host to his queen, Ammonet. Despite the pain, Daniel tried to reach her, only to be restrained be a Jaffa, then beaten until he fell unconscious. He had not awaken until Teal'c carried him through the Stargate back to SGC.
In the end, all he had left of Sha're were memories and the aching need to be near her and hold her in his arms. The dark voice in his mind reminded him how impossible that dream had become.
Daniel had known something was wrong when he woke up to see the other team members standing watch over him. No one had to say anything, somehow their expressions had told him everything. Jack tried to explain how a shot from a staff weapon had hit some kind of Goa'uld power converter and exploded. Apophis, his queen dead, had fled, leaving Sha're's body behind.
Events began to jumble together. Secretly burying Sha're's body to hide it from Maybourne and his Area 51 experiments. Arguing with Dr. Frasier and Jack that he felt fine and their reply that he was anything but fine. He couldn't even remember just how he had gotten back to his apartment. Just that he had gotten there and wanted to be alone.
"What ravages of spirit conjured this temptuous rage,
created you a monster, broken by the rules of love."
"and fate has led you too it, you do what you have to do.
and fate has led you too it, you do what you have to do."
Fate. Fate had led Katherine Langford to Daniel long ago. Fate had led Daniel to the Stargate project and to Abydos. Led him to Sha're. Now that same fate had taken her from him.
Do what you have to do. Daniel couldn't think that far ahead. He didn't know what to do. The past year of his life had been focused on Sha're. He couldn't get past that. Not yet.
"I have the sense to recognize
that I don't know how to let you go."
It was time to let go. But Daniel didn't want to let go, even if he knew how. So little time with his wife, the first person to truly accept him for what he was. She had loved him and made him feel wanted and loved. How could he ever let go of that?
"Every moment marked with apparitions of your soul.
I'm ever swiftly moving, trying to escape this desire."
"The yearning to be near you, I do what I have to do.
The yearning to be near you, I do what I have to do."
No matter what he did, Sha're would always be there. Her spirit had stayed with him from the moment they met.
As if he could escape. He had spent the last year dreaming of Sha're. Of being with her. Now he was just supposed to let it go? He couldn't go back to Abydos, without Sha're there was nothing for him there now. Kasuf had taken her child into hiding and Daniel had convinced himself that the baby was safer that way.
"And I have the sense to recognize
that I don't know how to let you go.
I don't know how to let you go."
"The glowing ember, burning hot and burning slow.
Deep within I'm shaken by the violence of existing for only you"
Daniel drew in a ragged breath as the realization set in that she was really gone. His whole reason for existing was irretrievably gone. Nothing else seemed important. Even his work with SGC had always been because of Sha're. He had toyed with the idea of leaving before, maybe he should.
"I know I can't be with you, I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you, I do what I have to do."
"Sha're," Daniel whispered. His thoughts went back to that first trip to Abydos. He and Jack must have made quite a pair, two men with nothing to lose. But when it was all done, Jack had found a peace, of sorts, and Daniel had found Sha're. The year with Sha're had been the happiest he had ever known and now it was gone. And there had been nothing he could do to ever reclaim that happiness.
Jack's words echoed in his ears. The numerous times that Daniel had been disheartened by failure and Jack repeated the promise he had made in the Gateroom. "We'll find her." That felt like a lifetime ago. Then the pain on his friend's face as he told Daniel of Sha're's death, apologizing for failing to keep that promise.
"And I have the sense to recognize,
But I don't know how to let you go.
I don't know how to let you go."
The darkness of sleep closed around Daniel and comforted him. Deep down, he knew he wouldn't leave SGC. He knew he would pick up the pieces of his life and continue on. Because he had to. But for now, he let the darkness take him where he could dream of holding Sha're in his arms once again.