Author's Notes: Thank you Jesse, Dave, and Sarah! Also much thanks to everyone who has ever tried to write something worthwhile for all of us crazy SG fans!!!!
DISCLAIMER: All characters and property of Stargate SG-1 belong to MGM/UA, World Gekko Corp. and Double Secret Productions. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Any other characters, the storyline, and the actual story are the property of the author.
"Wake up, Daniel!"
Oh yeah. Sorry. I keep forgetting that I’m the narrator.
"Well get used to it!"
Thank you so much for your patience!
"You’re so welcome!"
The Credits:
Jack - Jack
"Original choice of parts, Daniel!"
Don’t complain Jack- I gave you the lead.
Jack’s Mother (a person who is so unimportant that she has no name... also known as APWISUTSHNN)- Teal’c
Bessie the cow - General Hammond
"What is going on here, people?"
Nothing, General Hammond. You look very nice today.
"I look like a cow."
Yeah. You look very nice today.
Giant - Apophis (APWISUTHHNN)
"Klee, Jaafa!"
Nice try. You signed a contract. You can’t hurt us unless we invade your castle.
"Daniel, I’m going to go into his castle! Thanks for making it safe for me!"
Sorry, Jack... I just didn’t realize...
"Oh for crying out loud!"
Giant’s wife - Sha’re/Ammoret (APWISUTSHNN)
Golden Harp - Samantha
"The least you guys could have done is given me a bigger part. Come on, Dr. Fraiser has a bigger part than me!"
How do you know?
"Well, we had to memorize our lines, didn’t we? I saw her script!"
"Captain Carter, I do not believe that it was anything personal."
"Hey, Teal’c. Maybe not, but still."
Can I get going? Please?
"Be my guest, O Great Narrator."
Ah, come on, Sam. You are perfect for your part... Okay...
Market Lady (APWISUTSHNN)- Janet Fraiser
Narrator - ME! Uh, Daniel.
There! Now I can start!
"Hi Daniel!"
Hi Jack.
"Having fun being narrator?"
Yeah, I guess it’s pretty cool. I can insult you or anyone else and you can’t hurt me.
"Hey!"
Hahaha. You’re stupid!
"Daniel! Be nice!"
I am being nice. I wasn’t insulting you, I was insulting Jack.
"I am Jack."
Well, ah, yeah, but this play is like an...
"Alternate reality?"
Yeah! Exactly! Thanks, Sam!
"Anytime. I’ve got nothing better to do than wait around."
Quit complaining.
"Be nice to me!"
Why? All you’ve done today is complain, complain, complain!
"Yeah! If your part consisted of, oh, maybe two lines, wouldn’t you?"
No.
"Well, even if you didn’t you still have to be nice to Sam."
"Since when are you in this argument, sir?"
"Since I got tired of it. Daniel..."
Yes, sir?
"BE NICE!"
I don’t have to.
"Do too."
Do not.
"Do too."
Do not.
"Too."
Not.
"Too."
Not.
"Too."
Too.
"Not! And that’s final!"
Okay.
"You’re agreeing with me... Oh, for crying out loud."
Can I just get on with it?
"Please do."
Jack and his mother lived in an old, run-down shack. His mother was an old lady.
"Greetings. I am Jack’s mother."
She was 67 years old. Her curly gray hair was hanging down. She wore a hot pink miniskirt...
"Daniel..."
What?
"Teal’c looks really... weird."
I know.
"I do not look ‘weird’."
Teal’c, I hate to say this, but you look really strange.
"I do not appreciate this."
"Look, Teal’c, it’s Daniel’s fault-"
"Call me mother."
...hahahaha...
"...hahahaha..."
"Why are you humored? I am getting angered with this!"
Sorry, Teal’c. Sorry. Let’s get on with it.
Jack and his mother were poor. I mean, very poor. They lived in an abandoned shack by the river, they were so poor.
"Daniel, that is so not right."
What isn’t, Jack?
"We do not live in an old abandoned shack. In this story, I have to plant a bean. If I don’t have a garden, how can I?"
You can, Jack. Beans’ll grow almost anywhere.
"Come on. I was narrator last time, and I didn’t make you live in an old, crappy shack!"
No, you just made me stay in a birdcage while Apophis baked cookies and listened to disco music!
(Writer notes: Okay, this never happened, but this is an alternate reality, so who knows?)
"Hahaha. You’re right. I did."
So I am punishing you.
"Daniel Jackson."
Yeah, Teal’c?
"Please let my son and I live in a nicer place."
Oh... All right.
"What!?! Why did you listen to Teal’c and not me?"
Magic word, Jack. Magic word.
"Oh for crying out loud!"
Jack and his mother lived in a tiny cottage.
"Thank you, Daniel Jackson."
"Yeah, thanks a lot."
But they were still poor! All they owned was a cow.
"Moo."
"Thank you, General Hammond."
"It’s Daisy, son."
I thought you were Bessie.
"The proofreaders thought Bessie was too common."
Oh. Okay. Jack and... Daisy were very close. They were best friends.
"What? That’s crazy, Daniel!"
Loud, loud disco music. I believe those were your exact words, Jack?
"That’s the past!"
Your point? One day, Jack’s mother-
"That is I."
Uh-huh. Went to talk to Jack.
"Son, I have very bad news."
"Oh, what is it, mother?"
Jack, say the whole line.
"Why? That line sounds corny."
Say the line. Remember, I am narrator. I have all power.
"Just you wait til I’m narrator..."
What was that, Jack?
"Ahem, nothing. Oh, what is it, mother dear?"
Very good, Jack!
"Son, we must get rid of one of our family members."
"Oh no, mother dear, I’ll miss you!"
"It is not I, Jack."
"Okay, time out here! Daniel, I demand that this is reworded. It’s making me look like a fool."
Really? I couldn’t tell any difference.
"Very funny. Can I please skip over the next line?"
What is it?
"’When must I leave, Ma’?"
Go ahead, since you said it anyway.
"I called time out!"
You can’t time out plays. Sheesh. Teal’c, your line!
"You idiot! We must sell Daisy!"
"Moo."
"NOOOOOOOO!"
"We must sell her."
"If we sell her, she’ll get eaten by golden arches lovers."
"My apologies."
"I hate you."
Jack ran to his room. The next morning, Jack and Bes- I mean, Daisy, went to the marketplace.
"Golly, I’ll miss you, Daisy!"
"Moo."
All day Jack looked for someone who would take good care of Daisy in... uh... uh, uh...
"Moo!"
Hey Jack!
"What now, Daniel?"
Is that all that General Hammond can say?
"Well, he did correct you at the beginning, didn’t he? And he used to talk."
Yeah, but that was the beginning...
"How should I know then? Ask him!"
General Hammond!
"Moo?"
Okay, I take it that’s all he can say. In that case, there’s no problem. All morning Jack looked for a buyer that would take care of Daisy in her old age.
"...hahaha..."
Glad you find that funny, Jack.
"Daniel?"
What, Sam?
"Can you please hurry up?"
I’ll try. Sorry. Uh, where was I? Oh, but most of the buyers wanted to buy Daisy to sell to a certain fast-food franchise with golden arches. Jack could never let that happen to his best friend. He was walking around when..
"Wow! A fortune teller! Sweet!"
He walked in the tent where the sign was posted.
"Colonel O’Neill! What can I do for you?"
"Hey Doc. I’m not Colonel O’Neill, remember?"
"Oh yeah. Old habits die hard. Daniel, can you hear me?"
Yup.
"Did you remember to take your anti-histamines this morning?"
Yes, doctor.
"Good. Well, Jack, do you want your palm read or the crystal ball method?"
"You can read palms?"
"Sure. Age, marriage, you name it. It’s all there."
Jaaaack!
"Don’t Jaaaack me, what?"
You can’t have your palm read, it’s not in the script!
"Oh, like any of this is! ‘Did you take your anti-hissingmines this morning?’"
Anti-histamines, Jack.
"Hey, whatever."
"Jack, do you want your palm read or not?"
"Naah. I’ll take this crystal ball thing though."
"That’ll be forty dollars."
"FORTY!?! Are you nuts?"
"Plus tax. And shipping and handling."
"What? Shipping and handling? What’re you gonna do, mail me my fortune?"
"No, those fees cover the cost of shipping crystal balls to all of us in the Rippem-Alloff Fortunes."
"Oh, I should have guessed."
"So your total will be... hmm, let me think. Two hundred even."
"WHAT?"
"You have no idea how hard it is to ship crystal!"
"Look, Doc, I don’t have two hundred. Can’t you knock it down some for a colonel?"
"You’re not a colonel right now, Jack."
"Oh yeah! Well I can promote myself to General if I want!"
Uh... Jack?
"What now?"
You can’t. You’re not the narrator. Offer Dr. Fraiser your cow.
"Look, will you give me my fortune if I give you my cow?"
"Is that... Is that you, sir?"
"MOO!"
"Jack, that cow is General Hammond."
"I know. Is it a deal?"
"Sure!"
"Okay... where’s your crystal ball?"
"In here... All right.. I see a picture of Jack climbing high in the sky... Your wife is in the clouds... You will-"
"Stop right there, Doc. I want to see your Fortune Telling License. I think that you are a phony."
"Why would I be?"
"I am not married anymore. Furthermore, Sara’s in therapy for life."
"Maybe it’s your future wife... Maybe it’s Sam. I don’t know."
"I want my cow back."
"I can’t do that. I can give you this magical bean though."
"I don’t want a stupid bean!"
Someone has got to tell Jack not to take this so seriously!
"What was that, Daniel?"
Nothing. Take the bean and leave. This is getting ridiculous!
"Getting, Daniel?"
Okay, okay. This whole thing is ridiculous.
Jack walked home. When he got there, his mother was waiting.
"Dum-da-dum-dum. Dum-da-dum-dum-dum-DAAA!"
Sam?! I know you’re bored, but be grateful that you don’t have to be Jack.
"My son, how much money did you get for Daisy?"
"...Money?"
"Currency... Cash... Income..."
"Uh... I got my fortune told... I’m going to marry Sam."
"You... got... nothing?"
"I got a magic bean..."
"You ignorant little boy!"
"Hey! Who you calling... Ignorant?"
"GO... TO... YOUR... ROOM!"
Jack’s mother was very upset with Jack.
"Ya think?"
Jack felt very bad.
"Sniff... sniff... BOO-HOO!"
Thank you.
"You’re welcome."
Jack decided to throw the bean away.
"I hate you! You got me in trouble!"
He flung the bean out the window. The bean felt very sad.
"Oh, for crying out loud! Bean’s don’t have feelings, Daniel."
How do you know?
"Because."
Look, Jack. Just because you happen to be in the military doesn’t mean you know everything.
"Oh and you- doctorate in linguistics and anthropology, know everything about beans."
I do. I took a semester course on them my last year of college.
"You really had way too much time on your hands."
I did not.
"You did too."
Did not.
"Did too."
Did not.
"Did too."
Not.
"Too."
Not.
"Too."
Not.
"Too."
Too.
"No, Daniel. You did not have too much time on your hands! I- oh I can’t believe I fell for that again!"
Gullible isn’t in the dictionary, Jack.
"It isn’t?- Yes, it is. I’m not that stupid."
"Are you guys ever going to get going? I am so bored. Not to mention my only company is Apophis and Sha’re..."
Sha’re...
"Daniel, stay focused."
What... oh okay.
So, uh, Jack went to sleep. When he woke up, he was startled.
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"
Startled, Jack. Not scared.
"Yeah, well I was really startled. Why was I startled? Was Teal’c in another mini skirt and curly wig?"
No way. I would have said that you were scared, then.
"Good."
Jack looked out the window and saw... A beanstalk!
"Really. I couldn’t have guessed."
You were pretty confused a minute ago.
"Sarcasm, Daniel, sarcasm."
So Jack, being mad at Teal’c- I mean, his mommy, decided to run away.
"Please do not go son."
"HAHAHA. I will. You can’t stop me!"
So Jack started to climb the beanstalk.
"Hey! Who’s that?"
What’s going on?
"Sorry people, but that’s the colonel’s stunt double."
General Hammond!?
"I don’t have a scene for quite awhile, I’m back to myself for a bit."
Oh.
"Come on, General, This is my story."
Yeah. Jack has to rescue his future wife.
"Can it, Jackson."
Whoo-ee. So scared.
"Shut UP!"
Hey, I’m defending you! You want me to say, ‘Oh sure, Mr. Stunt Double, go ahead and climb the beanstalk’?
[Okay. I will.]
Who said that?
"I didn’t."
Sir?
"No son."
Sam?
"I’m too busy for this nonsense."
Doc Fraiser?
"I said nothing, Daniel."
Well then who said it?
[I did.]
Who are you?
[I am Mr. Stunt Double, as you so called me. Even though my name is Colonel Jack O’Neill.]
Why do you speak in brackets?
[I am merely a character brought in by more important characters for the task of proving that your characters are rulers. Your General Hammond didn’t think I was important enough to go in the credits, so I am not a real character. I should be. Please tell General Hammond that I should be a real character.]
"Huh?"
[I did not expect you to understand, Jack. Your mental capacity is that of a certain thing all of us Stunt Doubles call a boulder.]
"Oh..."
What Jack means to say is, Mr. Stunt Double, is will you please leave?
[I can’t. This is my job.]
General Hammond, sir?
"Yes son?"
Will you please send Mr. Stunt Double home? He is ruining our script.
"If I send Mr. Stunt Double home, will you get along with Jack?
Yes, sir.
"Jack?"
Yes sir.
"Okay then, people. Come on, Mr. Stunt Double."
[...evil laugh... One day you will all see!]
"See what?"
[I WILL become an important character someday and then I will blow up this complex! ... To this I vow!]
...Well that was certainly interesting.
"...Hahaha..."
What is it?
"I agreed...haha... to get along with myself... when General Hammond asked."
Oh you meanie!
"Watch it, Danny boy."
I will. So Jack climbed the beanstalk by himself, no Mr. Stunt Double.
"This thing is so tall!"
"Actually, it’s not sir. Considering that the whole stage here is set in the embarkation room, the actual beanstalk is only as tall as the Stargate, to make room for the castle above the clouds. You only have to climb two stories."
Welcome into the conversation, Sam!
"It’s easy for you to say, Carter! You’re on top already."
"Yes, and I got to use stairs."
"..grunt.. There are stairs?"
"Just behind the Stargate... Course, you can’t see the Stargate or the stairs due to the wonderful scenery."
"Daniel, did you forget to mention something?"
Oh, um, yeah. Hey Jack! There are stairs if you want to use them.
"No thanks, but thanks for telling me. I’m almost there."
There. Jack had finally reached the top.
"I’m finally here!"
Jack stared around. He saw a huge castle, and wondered how that was possible.
"If any of Newton’s gravitational laws apply in the embarkation room, which they do, because of the once where some people had a fight and they fell out the window, then it is impossible for such a huge building to exist up here."
Jack?
"I don’t have a clue what I just said. Sam was holding cue cards."
Oh good. I was starting to think that you’d lost any sanity you still had.
"No, no. Still as sane as normal... HEY!"
Jack was overjoyed at the possibility to learn about minute fluctuations of gravitational laws. He began to run to the castle.
"Just a guess, but did Sam help write this at all?"
I think she helped with some... Probably that last scene.
"I sure hope so, because our writers have never been that... scientific before."
As Jack was running, he happened to look where he was going.
"Wait a sec... Happened? Aaaaahhhh!"
Jack, get back to the beanstalk!
"Heeeeeeelp!"
It was Apophis.
"Greetings from Chu’lak. I am Apophis. If I were allowed to, I would shoot this complex down. However, all I have is my ugly face. Not to mention that there are fifty gunmen pointing at me. But I have a secret."
"Daniel!"
Hm?
"Can we trade spots?"
Why?
"I can’t stand him! Besides, he might be nicer to you."
Why would that be?
"Uhh... you’re a wimp?"
Am not!
"No, but maybe, uh, Apophis thinks that."
"I do not think that."
"Shut up, Apophis. Didn’t your mother tell you it was rude to eavesdrop?"
"I never knew my Goa’uld mother."
"Oh for crying out loud..."
I’ll switch.
"Thank you!"
Fine. But you owe me big time, and you better be nice.
"But of course!"
Finally. I am in the rightful place as narrator. I must say I’m pretty good at this storytellingish kind of stuff.
"Storytellingish isn’t a word."
Hey, we can’t all be linguists!
So Jack was running towards the-
"Stop! I’m Daniel, not Jack. Have you lost your mind?"
Some people seem to think so.
"You are Jack."
Ya think? Have you never read the story Jack and the Beanstalk?
"Other than this play, no."
Oh.. I’m so sorry, Daniel.
"What? Why?"
Beause, Daniel, even Teal’c knows these stories. I mean, what am I supposed to think... Daniel... Are you an alien?
"Not funny."
I thought it was.
"You know... There is a reason I never read fairy tales.
What is it?
"Why would I waste my time with pointless stories when I could be studying Egyptian gods like Ra and Hathor and-"
Point taken.
"You have to admit, I use Egyptian mythology a lot more in day to day SGC life than I would fairy tales."
Okay, whatever. The story has a main character. Are you with me?
"No, I’m above, up here. Hi Jack!"
Yeah, I see you already. The character that I used to play- the character you are playing now- has a name and that name is Jack.
"Oh! Neat! So I am Jack!"
Yeah. Jack walked to the castle.
"Cool... It looks Minoan, with the bulls. I should inquire inside to learn the significance of the bulls in their culture-"
Daniel, would you please play Jack and not some anthropologist rambling on about some culture stuff?"
"I wasn’t rambling!"
Rambling. Jack decided to explore the castle....... Daniel!
"Huh?"
Go!
"Oh, uh, I forgot. Sorry. Gee, I think I’ll explore this lovely castle."
So he went.
"Wow... This place is huge!"
It took all of Jack’s strength just to climb up the three stairs in front of the castle.
"Whew! Tired me!"
Aww. Poor you...
"I know."
Luckily for Jack, the door to the castle was open. He walked inside.
"Wow... This place is huge!"
Is there an echo in here?
Suddenly Jack saw a huge, mean-looking giant.
"Oh, it’s just Apophis, Jack. He’s not huge, and he doesn’t look mean."
Yeah, that’s just because you know the SG-3 marines are pointing guns at him.
"I have a secret. All of you Tau’ri people are ignorant."
Hey!
"Umm... Why?"
"...menacing laugh... Because I have a shield around me!"
Oh crap.
"Didn’t someone consider this? Teal’c?"
"Yes, Daniel Jackson?"
"Why didn’t you remind us about shields?"
"You never inquired."
Daniel, I think you should hide before Apophis sees you.
"I’ll hide in this crack in the floor."
"E, I, O, ember, I smell a Stargate member!"
Apophis roared.
"Oh no, it’s just your pudding."
"Sha’re!"
Daniel, shut up! If Apophis hears you, he’ll turn you into what Sha’re and Skaara have become.
"Sha’re!"
Sha’re heard Jack’s voice, but pretended she didn’t. Apophis didn’t hear a thing. He always has had bad hearing due to an accident with a zat gun when he was a child.
"O’Neill."
What is it, Teal’c?
"The correct name for what you refer to as a ‘zat gun’ is a zat’nik’atel."
Hey, trust me, Teal’c. If I could pronounce that, I’d call it that.
"My porridge is yummy."
Jack looked as Apophis ate his food. On the table stood a giant bowl of food.
"On Chu’lak we call that ‘kren ghun’."
Teal’c, much as we all love to hear about Chu’lak, maybe now isn’t the time.
"I understand."
There was also a golden harp in the shape of a woman.
"Hey! It’s Sam! Hi Sam!"
Shh!
"Hi Jack."
Oh fine... Hi Sam.
"Hi Jack."
"What are you talking about, Golden Harp?"
"Merely the voices in my head, Apophis."
"Hmm. Oh."
Apophis was very tired after eating his porridge. What a hard task.
"...yawn... I am so sleepy..."
So Apophis went to take a nap. Sha’re stayed to clean the kitchen. When she was sure that Apophis was sleeping, she stopped.
"Dani-el?"
"Hi, Sha’re. Call me Jack." My Stargate... um, Chaapa-ai team is doing a play."
"Is that why I am a giant?"
"Probably."
"Ammoret left for today."
"Really!? You mean your Goa’uld can leave?"
"If it so chooses."
"Huh. Where’s Skaara?"
"He is on board an attack vessel and is called Clor’ell."
"Oh."
Look, I hate to break this scene up, but might I remind you, Jack, that we are in the middle of the play.
"I remember. Sorry."
It’s okay. Jack, you should probably get Sam. She’s been complaining about her miniscule part all day, and it would be a shame if you forgot her up there. Plus Apophis might wake up soon.
"You’re right. Sha’re, can you reach me the harp?"
"Sure. Here you go."
"Hi Sam."
"Hi Jack."
"Hi Sam."
"Hi Sha’re."
Of for crying out loud. Can we please get on with this?!
"Sha’re, I have to go."
"Okay. I’ll miss you."
"Me too."
Would you leave the castle already? I swear, Daniel, I get more heart attacks when you’re around.
"I thought I was Jack."
You are, I was just- Oh never mind.
"Hah! Gotcha."
Grr.
"Sam, can you walk in that ridiculous costume?"
"I can hobble."
"Good enough."
Sam the harp and Jack the stupid human-
"Might I remind a certain narrator that he played Jack more than I did?"
You might. You might not.
Anyway, they raced towards the beanstalk. They slid down, only to be greeted by a very angry mother of Jack.
"Greetings, Captain Carter."
"Hi Teal’c."
"Greetings, son. Wait, you don’t look like my son."
"Oh, yeah. The colonel and I switched places."
"I see. Son, I am angered."
"You are?"
"You should not have run away, son."
"I didn’t run, I climbed."
"You know of what I am referring."
"But, um, Mom- Look what I got there! I got a harp. And I talked to my wife."
"Your.. wife."
"Well, not Jack’s wife, my wife."
"Oh, I see."
"Besides, that is one neat harp."
"I believe it is Captain Samantha Carter of SG-1."
"Well, she is, but in this play she’s just a harp."
"I now understand."
"Good."
"Was there no golden goose up there?"
"I didn’t look."
You really don’t know your fairy tales, do you Daniel?
"No."
"Son, I am broke. State your idea for making money."
"Um, we could sell the harp."
"Not a chance! If I have to have a microscopic part, the least you can do is not sell me!"
"Take it easy, Sam. I meant to like ah, sell the music."
"Oh, that would be okay.
"I too believe that would be a good idea."
So Jack and his mom made millions of dollars off of the many CDs and cassettes of Sam the Harp. Over time, her CDs became more popular than that of Yanni’s. Jack bought his cow back from Doc Fraiser, and told her that his fortune had come true. Jack’s mother was happy. So was Jack. Sam was Sam as usual.
"That’s a good thing, in case anyone is wondering."
Anyway, that’s SG-1 and Friends version of Jack and the Beanstalk. Thanks for watching.
"Goodbye."
"Bye."
"What? Oh, uh, bye."
"Moo."