DISCLAIMER: All characters and property of Stargate SG-1 belong to MGM/UA, World Gekko Corp. and Double Secret Productions. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Any other characters, the storyline and the actual story are the property of the author.
Jack had always been good at "reading" people. Just another one of those little things you learn how to do if you want to stay alive in his line of work. Still, a part of him could not help but marvel at how quickly he come to know exactly what he needed to do and say to get through to Daniel, no matter what was happening. The term 'rapport' attempted to present itself as an explanation, but that was another one of those 'touchy-feely' words that set his teeth on edge.
Okay, maybe when it came to 'relationship dynamics' Sara talking again why was he thinking about her so much oh, give me a minute I'm not ready to do this yet he was admittedly a little close minded but sometimes something was just what it was. Took all the fun out of it if you had to sit around and analyze the crap out of it all the time.
Jack didn't always want to know why. He just wanted it to be there, and he wanted it to be good. The Daniels of the world were more than welcome to the 'whys'. Here ya go, take my order of whys. Do you want ketchup with that?
Yer stalling, Jack. Chickenshit. Daniel's done his bit. It's your turn. Do what you have to do and get the boy over here again.
Don't beat yourself up my friend, we are just about to throw this "personal space" problem right out the window."
But first I have to get his attention again.
"Daniel! I'm cold.
Jack cringed inwardly at the sound of his own voice. There was a little more of a "wheedle" in it than he had intended, but it certainly did the trick. He heard Daniel utter a little gasp and scramble toward him. He also plainly heard the sound of his coat coming off.
Not bad, Jack. Maybe you should consider remustering to the Thespian Corps. Naah, your head is big enough already.
Daniel had completely forgotten all about beating himself up, which was the first object of the exercise. He flew to Jack's side, the usual apology on his lips, and began to gently drape his coat over the prone Colonel.
Ahh, sorry Danny, not quite good enough. I need you to do more. God help me, I can't believe I'm saying this.
Daniel finished placing the coat over him. Jack could feel him hovering over him through the black curtain that hid him from sight. He was right there at his side, so anxious to be of assistance that the concern practically dripped from him. He was right there, and yet he was carefully, conspicuously distant.
Daniel now thought of himself as having been weak, and of having betrayed the trust of a friend because of that weakness. There would be no more accidental contact. No more small gestures. Daniel would be very, very careful now, would not allow himself even the smallest indulgent slip as long as he believed expressing himself to Jack that way would hurt or offend him.
Realizing that forced Jack also to face how - bereft - knowing this made him feel. How terrible to have lost something so precious before he had even had a change to appreciate what he had.
He wanted it back. The years of little by little closing himself off, shutting everyone out, not allowing himself to be touched, inside or out suddenly welled up within him. The stark loneliness of his self-imposed physical isolation from the rest of humanity cut like a knife inside him, revealing to him a wide gaping wound that had always been there, but that he had never, ever allowed himself to look at or acknowledge.
**behold the crucible of the darkness you have carried and nourished within you. You can let it consume you or you can take the other path. Chose now**
He knew what he wanted. He also knew that he it would not be handed to him. He would have to ask for it.
It's time to shine a light, Danny. For both of us.
This was the first part of what he had to do. He thought it would be the hardest, but he was surprised how easy it was to want to say the words. To actually say them. Funny, it seemed like the most natural thing in the world.
"Danny, it's the floor. I've been lying on it for so long, and it's so cold. Please get me up, will you?"
Instantly Daniel's hands were on his shoulders. "Jack, are you sure? I don't want to hurt you."
"I don't think you will," Jack said softly. "Things have been pretty quiet inside this sack of broken bones since we've been here. But even if you do, I don't care. I really, really need to get up off this floor."
An EOD expert trying to make a bomb with old, sweaty TNT sticks couldn't have been more careful than Daniel was with him. With what bordered on excruciating caution Daniel gently removed his jacket from Jack's body, eased an arm under his shoulders and levered him up until he was finally sitting, Daniel's jacket once again draped around him.
Jack flashed a grin at him that too late he realized Daniel could not see. "Oh, that's good," he said sincerely. " That's very, very good. Too bad I can't see my feet though. Kinda miss 'em"
"What do you want me to do, now, Jack?" Daniel's voice was both eager and worried at the same time. Jack could never quite figure out how he managed to do the stuff he did with his voice, that unique vocal sonata he created out of the simple act of uttering a few syllables that was Daniel verbally expressing. The kid could make "euwauheyeaaahhh" sound like the Gettysburg Address. And convey about as much information. As long as they didn't make him spell it.
"Find yourself a piece of wall and plant yourself good and comfortable. You're going to be holding me up as long as we are stuck in here. Can't sit up by myself and god help me I can't do the 'floor' thing anymore. My impression of an area rug is getting just a little old."
It took a little while, but Daniel finally got them settled. In pretty much the position Jack wanted them to end up in. Daniel didn't know what was coming but he had a fair idea, and he wanted to make sure the kid had a good hold on him when he needed him to.
The last thing he wanted to do was fall on his face in the middle of. well, he just didn't want to, that was all. Not that there was any doubt in his mind that Daniel would ever let that happen.
Daniel had found the wall, and had braced himself against it. Following Jack's suggestions he had gathered Jack to him, forming a protective ring around his limp and useless body using slightly raised legs and supporting arms, Jack's back pressed to his chest, his head resting against Daniel's right shoulder. Daniel's posture was still very stiff and uncomfortable; as absurd as it sounded, as close as they were sitting now he was still trying not too offend him by touching him.
Jack experienced a transient pang of something so pure it hurt to even look at it, never mind let it come and visit him for awhile. Who the hell was this man anyway? How had he managed to come into this world so - good - live here for the amount of time he had and still be so - good.
He suddenly felt so old, so weary, so soiled by everything he had seen and done. He certainly did not feel in any way worthy of the grace that had been so unexpectedly bestowed upon him in this spot in this strange, dark place.
There was an odd thought. Grace. A blessed state, a gift that was given not because of merit or accomplishment, but bestowed for its own sake without warning, without explanation, without any requirement for recompense for having been fortunate enough to be the recipient. It could not be begged, bought, borrowed or sold, but it could be refused.
Jack was astonished to discover that he felt blessed. As absurd as that seemed, given the circumstances. In all likelihood he was minutes from death and even if they made it out of here he was probably going to be a quadriplegic for life and yet none of that mattered. He was - blessed.
He was also suddenly really tired. Things were starting to hurt a little bit again. Getting Daniel to move him had not been without consequences, but it had been a small price to pay. He felt his head getting heavier as Daniel's warmth and proximity began to do what it was supposed to do. It became too much of an effort to hold it up any longer, so he gave up trying. Deprived of the only thing that been preventing it from doing so, Jack's head lolled lazily, turning his face toward the hollow of Daniel's neck, where he just let it remain. Nestled in that soft, warm haven, Jack closed his eyes and floated.waiting.
It wasn't long. Daniel couldn't help being Daniel. Jack needed him to be Daniel, and he didn't let him down.
Slowly, Daniel's arms encircled him, pulling him closer to him. His head turned slightly, until his cheek was lightly pressed against the skin of Jack's forehead. Gently, rhymthically, soothingly, Daniel began to rock back and forth, stroking Jack's cheek in time to his movement with the back of his hand.
Oh good boy, this is everything I needed you to do, just please don't let go when it all starts hitting the fan.
Jack had thought he was ready for it, but he had had no idea. Had no idea what it felt like to be.cherished. It was good. It was better than good, it was.bliss. Too long too starving he wallowed in the warm, sensations that infused him, basked in the comfort of the honest, enveloping contact. Oh, what a wondrous thing this, the magic of a simple touch. How long had he so foolishly denied himself the knowledge of this blessed state of being, and the healing power of the touch of the caring hand upon his skin.
That was easy. How long had he been a horse's ass?
Love was a four letter word that people threw around as carelessly as they tossed around a few other less delicate four letter words, but there was a lot more too it than the baby-oh-baby- let's get naked, yeah I love you until something better comes along and all that other sort of "Im scared to be alone so I'll make your life miserable for as long as you let me" stuff that people mistook for it. It was a word that he had used as casually as everyone else, bandying it about like "how ya doin" when it suited his purposes to get what he wanted for an evening, or an hour, even. Just like everybody else.
Well, just about everyone else. Everyone but the man who now held him who was giving him powerful instruction in what it really meant to truly care for another human being more than you cared for yourself without that being a bad thing for either one of you. This was not the first such lesson he had ever had from this man along those lines. Daniel had first shown him how truly selfless he was that day in Ra's throneroom, when he had died trying to protect him from harm. They had barely even met then, and there he was, throwing himself in front of that blast to save a less-than-perfect-stranger, with the full knowledge of exactly what he was doing and that dead was dead, long before he knew that there was any such thing as a sarcophagus or any hope of a Goa'uld resurrection.
Daniel had truly died for him that day. Jack knew without a shadow of a doubt that his friend would not hesitate to do it again.
Hell, he'd just PROVED it back there yet again, hadn't he?
If someone like Daniel saw something in him worth dying for then maybe it behooved him to start living up to that optimism.
Hah! Ya think?
Still, Jack was content to lie still, safe and protected in Daniel's arms. There was nothing strange or unnatural in the embrace. Nothing that made him feel ashamed or uneasy. On the contrary, he had never felt more right, more understood, more as if he was exactly where he needed to be. He could have stayed in that state of grace forever, a part of him (no go figure THIS one out Jack) actually GLAD that the fall had snapped his spine. If he had been able to walk away from this, that is exactly what he would have done. And he would have never known.
Daniel was shifting him slightly in his embrace. Pulling him closer, cupping his cheek with his hand as he tucked his head closer under his chin. He knows. Somehow he knows what he has to do. It's almost time, isn't it.
Daniel's voice was so close to his ear that it almost felt as if it was inside his head.
"I'm sorry about your wife, Jack,"
Ah, that's the ticket, that's what had to be said. That's what's going to start it. Hold on Danny, I don't know if I am going to be able to ride this wave all the way home.
"With everything that has happened since we got here I never got a chance to tell you. I know why you said and did what you did in the gate room. People find things out, they talk - not to me, mind you, but I hear things any way and I know what happened today and I don't blame you for being upset. Heck, if taking a few verbal rounds out of me helped any, I want you to know that I don't mind a bit. Happy to help, in fact."
Jack felt the first sob loosen, a solid chunk of hurt dislodge itself from the cold, inert core of nothingness that lived in his chest. It was hanging by a thread, but it wasn't free yet. Danny hugged him closer, rocked him ever so slightly and the warmth that beat shining from him in soothing waves surrounded Jack, going deep, looking, leaving no sullied thing unexamined, unrevealed.
"I got the papers today. " Decree Absolute. Null and void. Game over. Score 0 to 0, nobody wins." Jack heard himself saying in a strange, uncertain voice. "I knew the divorce was final, but seeing the papers, holding them in my hand. It wasn't - real.. Until then. She's really gone. But then, it's as much as I deserve."
"No - Jack. Why do you say that? Why would you think something like that of yourself? It's just not true."
He was standing on the lip of the abyss. Down there - was the horror. The secret, the terrible shame that he had been carrying and hiding for so long. The thing he could not say - could not face. The thin ledge was crumbling; he scrambled back, looking for some purchase to use to stop himself from falling.
"A man is supposed to protect. A husband - a father. That's his job. That's what he's supposed to do. I promised her that I would do that. Look after them. That's all I had to do. Do my duty. I'm a solider. I've done my duty all my life. Except to him. Except to her. I failed her. Didn't keep her baby from harm... Didn't keep my promise." Oh Jack, you're still holding back. It's a good start, but it's not all of it. You have to go deeper, look harder.
Abyss rushing up at him waiting for him, still holding back, still can't quite face.
"Let go, Jack," Daniel's voice was the faintest of whispers, close to his ear. "Look into the face of your fear. If you don't look it in the eye it wins. I know you. You can do it. It will be all right. Trust me. Trust me."
Trust me.
Daniel said it would be all right. Trust him? More than life itself. His fear completely banished by those two simple words; Jack leapt joyfully into the embrace of the yawning dark.