Author's Notes: This is what happens when you watch Legacy way too many times. You end writing your first fic in a language which is not yours. I was not alone in this trip, though. I have several people to thank. In RL I say thanks to 8 people who went one night to a Chinese restaurant and who are bearing with me and my insanity. And in Cyberlife there are all my listsibs, always there. And my three betas: QS, thanks for helping with Janet, and for cheering up, Phoenix thanks for reading this so many times and helping me to find my way through my story. And Rach L. What can I say? You already know, don't you? Thank you, my friend.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters and property of Stargate SG-1 belong to MGM/UA, World Gekko Corp. and Double Secret Productions. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment purposes and no money was made from it. Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Any other characters, the storyline and the actual story are the property of the author. Not to be archived without permission of the author(s).
I never considered myself to be a lunatic.
Don't believe in UFOs, abductions or X-Files stuff. However, in my opinion it was crystal clear something explainable had happened in the past. I was surprised no one else could see this as well. I based all my theories on facts. All I was trying to do was provide an explanation for the evidence.
I stood by my theories, always hoping the other archaeologists would understand some day, but at the same time remembering all the stories I had heard about smart, clever, talented people who ended losing their minds. Some leg-puller sent me a copy of Van Gogh's self-portrait. The one he painted after cutting his ear. I framed the picture and hung it on the wall. Those days I didn't have a social life; I didn't let people close enough. There were lots of nights alone with my old books as company. I would catch myself looking at the painting and wondering how close I was to the edge of madness.
When I was just a kid I learned you couldn't trust people, because when you needed them most, they left. My parents did, and my grandfather too. When you're on your own you learn how to pretend you don't mind. How to hide all the pain behind an 'I'm strong' mask. So when one of those 'famous' archaeologists, with all their Ph.D.s and published books looked at me as if I was a bug, saying something like "I think you're wasting your talent with your crazy theories" and then dismissing me while muttering, "this boy is a nut case" I just gave him/her a stubborn look, and left apparently unscathed. Apparently. But not actually, because inside me, something was torn up.
Then everything changed so fast I almost couldn't take it in. I went to Cheyenne Mountain, solved the mystery of the Stargate, traveled to a different galaxy, fell in love, met a god, died, came back to life, saved the planet and stayed there for the most wonderful year of my life. Sha're loved me and I loved her. So easy, so complicated as well.
But suddenly, I lost it all. I was thrown into a new life again with new and not so new people who were expecting me to help them with my knowledge. They became my friends, my family. I trusted them and they trusted me. But I forgot how fast things break down. Machello's little invention was there to set me back ten years.
Teal'c is going to be fine; they have locked up the tablet and I've been told to rest and sleep off the drugs. Janet wanted to keep me in the infirmary but I said no, and gave her the same look I reserve for narrow-minded colleagues. She didn't argue and let me go to my quarters. So here I am, lying down, tired, confused, scared and unable to think straight.
I don't remember much of the time I spent in that padded cell when they locked me away, but enough to mark it with the 'terrible experience' banner I reserve for special moments like my parents' death, Share's abduction, Shyla, Hathor and so many others. Ok one more for the list. What's the problem? After all I'm a survivor. So they say. But this is new. My parents left forever, it wasn't Share's fault, Shyla was my fault and Hathor is a monster. But now? Whose fault is it? Why am I always the target of these experiences? Perhaps I deserve them. Maybe it is just what destiny had in mind for me. To be dragged into madness like so many before.
And what about them? Sam, Jack, Teal'c? They are my friends, my family. Am I angry with them? I should be. They let Janet and McKenzie lock me up. And threw the key away. Right, they didn't throw away the key, after all. Jack came when I asked... He came. Like always.
My team and I have been through a lot together; Apophis, Hathor, Machello, Linnea, and we always backed each other up. They supported me when I screwed up with Shyla. Why can't I do the same for them?
But what if they don't trust me anymore? If they find a replacement? A military guy, a strong, clever, brave, balanced one. Not like me. Not like someone who lets passion run through his veins and blind him. Or that who runs to the unknown without asking.
Enough. Do something Daniel. Get out of here. This room is suffocating you. Go somewhere. Find them and look into their eyes to be sure what to do.
I get up, head to the door, and start wandering through the corridors. I go to the infirmary and find no one except for Teal'c, who is resting. I leave. I start prowling, the locker room, Jack's quarters, Sam's lab, the briefing room... People look at me but don't ask me what I'm doing. Who am I kidding? I know where they are. I sigh and go to my office.
Jack, Sam and Janet are here, doing nothing. Just standing. They watch me. Their faces speak entire pages.
Jack has 'The Look'. The 'we'll get through this' stubborn stare he gave me when I lost Sha're. Also there's a spark of guilt deep inside. 'I shouldn't have let them take you so early'. 'I'm your CO, I have to care about your welfare'. 'We're friends I can't leave you behind. I must stand by you'.
Sam's eyes are wide open. I see fear and guilt there. 'I was so afraid'. 'I do care about you'. 'I should have done something'. She believes science has all the answers, and is so secure about her skills. Sam had the same look when she and Jack came back from Antarctica. 'Why did it had to be you who came up with the solution? That was my job'. 'And why did I give up so easily and let them carry you off?' 'We're friends. Family; families hold together. We betrayed you'.
And Janet. I only see blame here. 'I know you won't forgive me'. 'I know I screwed it all up'. 'It was my fault. Since I arrived here I have seen too many weird things to succumb to the most easy explanation'. 'I should have learned from you that the most obvious solution is not always the right one' . 'We were friends, but I'll understand if you end it'.
I don't see the looks I was used to so many years ago. I only see guilt. But I can't be angry with them. I can't tell them all I feel either. Fear is gone, and I've got the feeling that I'm home. We'll overcome this, maybe not now, not tomorrow, but someday.
And we'll be stronger.