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Chapter 10: Dr. Daniel Jackson
God, this is all my fault.
I set it all in motion. I insisted General Hammond send the others away so they wouldn't fight me on it.or try to come along. I wanted to do this on my own, I needed to.and I can be pretty damn persuasive when I want to be. Jack and the others have been pretty good about helping me with the search for the child, but this was far too risky a situation to ask them to follow me into on a maybe. Skaara, the general and I are the only ones who know this planet is one of Heru'ur's. I can definitely wait before passing on that bit of information to Jack.
I also fought against Skaara coming along, but once here I was glad he came. Our time here together has reaffirmed our closeness and sense of family, something I didn't realize how much I'd missed until I felt it slip back into place. It's almost like those cosmic powers that be finally decided to let us win one. There will always be a part of me that will wish we could have won with Sha're, but I know she'd be pleased we saved her brother.
He's changed in some ways. His mastery of English is exceptional and he still retains the memory of spoken and written Goa'uld. Physically, he hasn't changed at all.courtesy of Klorel.but he seems older. His eyes are dark with things he's only begun to work through. All the evil he was powerless to prevent his own body from acting out, I can only begin to imagine how it has wounded his spirit. Skaara was always rather wise beyond his years, but now it seems he possesses a maturity honed painfully sharp by his time as a prisoner inside of himself. His entire life had been spent as a slave, except for that one year after Ra, the last three years as a slave of the worst possible kind. Skaara is a man in a boy's body who must now reconcile the many fractured shards of his self and discover just who he is now.
I know I scared him with these headaches. I tried to tell him how sorry I was, but he learned early on in our year as a family how to cut me off mid guilt trip. The Abydonians aren't very understanding of self-pity. After thousands of years of slavery, daily reminded of their lot in life, they adapted an attitude of acceptance one might almost term complacency.if one didn't take into account their incredible zest for truly living life while they could.
This time here was good for both of us. It helped me remember a few things about myself I'd let myself forget. I was more than a little aware of how much of myself I was losing with every day and month and year that passed without finding Sha're and Skaara. I gained so much in those years.Jack, Sam, Teal'c.but the nature of the job took a lot of me with it.the me I was on Abydos. It had come to seem like a dream, an ideal almost.once it was lost I could no sooner recapture it than I could a waking dream.
A lot of things have changed since then.some good, some not good at all. I'll never know what might have happened if we'd rescued Sha're and I can't let myself dwell on what-ifs..it's just too soon and too damn hard to try. For the foreseeable future I can only focus on the now.and right now we've got to find a way to help Kasuf.
Kasuf, my good father. He still is that. Even with Sha're gone, he still sees me as his son. I like that..so many times lately I've needed that. It's a connection to her, to our lives together I hope never to lose. He has so much faith in me and my 'tribe' to save them from the demons.to fulfill my promise to find the boy..
I just wish I could think. The headache is easing slightly.which isn't saying much. Jack and Skaara are giving me nearly identical looks of concern as we sit here waiting for nightfall. I can't slip anything past the two of them. I'd be mad about that if I weren't so glad they're both here.
I'll have to ask Jack how he managed to get Hammond to let him come.I should have figured Jack wouldn't just stay in Florida when he didn't hear from me. The general and I had pretty much agreed no one else would be risked on this.at least I thought we'd agreed. I wonder how much trouble Jack's in, and how worried Hammond must have been to send him.
Jack's got a plan. He hasn't gone into any details.to be honest I wasn't in much shape to listen if he had. Just knowing Jack is here and working on it helps. I know he's worried about me holding it together long enough to get out of here and get Kasuf back. I wish I could put his mind at ease on that score..
This is the worst pain I've felt since the withdrawal.I don't even want to compare the two. Janet says it's some sort of after-effect of Amaunet's attempt to kill me. All I know is it's getting progressively worse with every attack.and the attacks themselves are coming more often. It's been two months now and I've gone from one or two episodes a week to almost daily attacks lasting for hours on end. To be honest I'm more than a little worried myself.
I have to much to do.especially now.to let something like this slow me down. I have a promise to keep and nothing.nothing.is going to stop me from keeping it.