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Chapter 20: Skaara of Abydos
Daniel sleeps.
Ferretti is giving him more of the doctor's medicines through a tube stuck into his hand and I think perhaps it is those which keep him asleep. I am glad if it spares him pain, but wish he were awake. There is such fear in everyone's eyes...as I am sure it is in mine. It is far more difficult to keep our minds from Daniel's fate now that we have so little to occupy us.
We have made a proper encampment of this small cave with the supplies General Hammond sent to us...blankets, food, clothing, weaponry...as well as more medicines for Daniel. The doctor gave Ferretti much instruction on how to help Daniel. Major Carter has sworn she will find a way to bring us back and I believe her.
Teal'c and O'Neill have assembled small beds for us all and there is now a portable heater to warm the damp air. Ferretti is cooking a kind of soup he calls 'chili' and jokes that it will burn as strongly as my moonshine. I smile at the memory and tell them the story of how Daniel taught me to make it.
Daniel had spoken of the many helpful uses for such a liquid...to clean wounds, to sterilize objects, to dull pain...but finally, reluctantly admitted to me it was also a drink similar to our neshya wine albeit much stronger. Being young and adventurous, I could not resist trying it first myself. I remember very little of the experience...only the terrible sickness the following morning. I woke to find Daniel hovering over me with a disturbingly sympathetic smile and the reminder that I had been warned.
Daniel had laughed gently and told me moonshine should be weakened with water before drinking. He then proceeded to explain the "finer points of social drinking". At the time I did not totally understand his words, but, as brothers will, I took them to heart and never drank the pure moonshine again.
"No, you saved that for unsuspecting visitors like me," O'Neill says softly, smiling for the first time since Ferretti told us of Daniel's illness.
I return his smile, then feel a heavy sadness come over me. That day, that memory was the last joy I knew until the moment I spoke in my own voice and begged the Tollans for help. My eyes burn at the thought. In the prison of my soul I was locked in a world of ultimate madness, forced to contend with thoughts so horrendous I constantly wished for the release of death...knowing it might never come. Only by focusing what remained of myself on the memories of Abydos, and on learning all I could of the demons in some distant hope it could someday be used against them was I able to maintain some measure of 'Skaara'...who I was...who I am now.
The darkness came very close to destroying me.
Only the light and love of Abydos, of my father, my sister, my brother, and O'Neill kept me from becoming truly lost. I am free now. Yet I wonder if...No, I know...my life will never be as sweet again. Life...everything I had ever known of it...changed while I was imprisoned...it can never return to what it once was and neither can I.
Warmth touches my bowed head. O'Neill. I look up to see understanding in his eyes...and something more...as he moves to leave the cave. I look to Teal'c, so silent and supportive, but he shakes his head once before looking toward Daniel.
I understand.
Teal'c knows that which I am only now learning. More has changed in my absence than just what I perceive in relation to myself. Daniel has touched many more lives than just us...his family on Abydos.
He has become a part of something even greater...something strong and real and unstoppable. Something that will one day defeat the demons because it cannot perceive anything less. Something of which Daniel is a vital and irreplaceable part.
Daniel must not be lost.