Author's Notes: This could never have been written without my buddy Troll! So Troll, this is dedicated to you. Thanks!!!
DISCLAIMER: All characters and property of Stargate SG-1 belong to MGM/UA, World Gekko Corp. and Double Secret Productions. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Any other characters, the storyline and the actual story are the property of the author.
It was not a normal mission. Oh no, it was not. For starters, how many missions are Earth-bound anyway? But why did we all have to go to this stupid seminar anyway?
Yet there we were, driving and driving. Two days- long, boring, wonderful days- in the car. Wouldn’t you think for a seminar that far away we could have taken a plane? We’re military! Damn budget cuts. We pleaded for hours to get a plane to fly there. But nooooooooooo...
Let me tell you, driving for hours on end with a crabby colonel, an allergic anthropologist, and an alien is not the way I had wanted to spend my Saturday. At least I got to sit in the front in the comfy seats.
“Jack? Can’t we stop for the night soon?” Daniel’s nose was running and he was almost out of Kleenex besides. The poor kid looked miserable.
“Sorry, Daniel. I want to stop too, but the seminar starts way early in the morning. It’s still a long way.” We sighed. Even Teal’c, who isn’t a very sigh-y kind of human- err, person, oh, you know what I mean.
“I still do not understand the meaning of this-” Teal’c started, but I cut him off. We’d been through this four times now, and I was sick of it.
“None of us understand, Teal’c. We don’t even know what this is about. If General Hammond hadn’t made it an order, I wouldn’t be going.”
“I’m beginning to regret coming,” Daniel said through his plugged up nose, “Jack, are you sure you haven’t had any animals in this- Ah-choo!”
“Poor you,” I sympathized, “You didn’t have to come...”
“I had to, Sam. Even if I’m not military, I am part of SG-1. Same goes for Teal’c.” We fell into silence and looked out the window. As we passed a sign, Jack spoke;
“Only four more hours!” I checked my watch. It was 22:00.
“What time does the seminar begin?” I asked generally.
“Eight A.M.” Daniel replied with the shuffling of some papers.
“Well, okay,” I reasoned, “If we get a motel room somewhere we can rest and relax. I think it would do us all some good to get some sleep. We can sleep until, oh, 03:30 and then hit the road. We can make it no problem.”
“You kids want to back there?” Jack asked.
“Ah-choo! Yes, please!”
“Why would we ‘hit the road’?”
“Close enough, we’ll get off at Lethargicville in three miles.” Jack said, grinning.
Twenty minutes later we were relaxing in our motel room. Jack had picked up a twelve pack of beer and he and Teal’c were hitting it pretty hard.
“Carter? Daniel?” Jack offered. We shook our heads. It was just as well, there wasn’t going to be any left soon. Jack popped his sixth can open. “Well, campers, want to hit the sack?”
“Why do we keep wanting to hit things on this mission?” Teal’c demanded.
“They’re just figures of speech, Teal’c. Ignore them.”
“It is difficult.”
Jack jumped on one of the beds and lay there. Then we realized our fatal mistake. Our room was a normal one. It had two beds. There were four of us. Daniel’s statement summed up everyone’s thoughts. Well maybe it was only my and Daniel’s though, since Jack looked pretty drunk and Teal’c didn’t look 100% either.
“Whoops.”
So, since the girl does all the work, I called the office. No cots. No extra rooms. No nothing.
“So who’s going to sleep on the floor?” Daniel asked nervously.
“I am not in need of a bed. I must rest however because I feel rather-”
“Woozy?” I suggested. Teal’c shrugged and proceeded to sit smack dab in the middle of the floor and meditate. Daniel stared at me.
“What?!” I cried. He blushed.
“Well, ah...” he pointed to the beds.
“You expect me to share with one of you?! Hah!” I stalked over to the empty bed and sat on it. “MINE!” Daniel looked at Jack. Unfortunately, Jack had passed out from drinking too much so he couldn’t look back.
“Is he okay?” Daniel asked, “Do we need to take him to a doctor?” I got up and felt his pulse.
“He’s fine, he’ll just have one hell of a hangover at the seminar tomorrow. And it looks like I’m going to get the driving job.”
“I can drive, Sam.”
“You haven’t driven since before you went to Abydos.”
“That’s not true, I drove a couple of times!”
“I’m driving. I want us to arrive there in one piece!”
“But-”
“Me. Now help me move Jack somewhere.”
“I request that the two of you silence yourselves while I attempt to meditate.” Teal’c glared at us.
“Sorry Teal’c, goodnight!” Daniel and I dragged Jack into the bathroom and laid him in the bathtub. I don’t know why, it just seemed like the place. At least then Daniel and I could each have a bed.
We couldn’t sleep anyway. There were all these strange noises coming from the next floor up there- I wasn’t even sure I wanted to know what they were. In my whole life I had never heard weirder noises.
And then there was this moo. I burst out laughing and Daniel screeched, “What on Earth was that?!” Then it (whatever ‘it’ was) mooed again, this time so loud that it woke Jack up.
“Carterrrrrrrrrrrrrr!” he called. I raced in there.
“Yes, Sir!”
“Care to explain why I’m in the bathtub?!” I started to explain, but ‘it’ mooed again and we decided (against our better judgment) to go investigate. Teal’c was still meditating (how could anyone sleep through an ear-deafening moo?!) so Daniel and Jack and I went outside and found the stairway. Jack tripped half way up and rolled down so Daniel and I had to help support him. I wish he’d think before he drinks! It took us awhile to figure out which room was directly above ours, and when we did, we got ready to knock.
“Wait!” I hissed, “Shouldn’t we get our weapons?”
“We’re not on another planet, Carter!” Jack reminded.
“Stop then! What if it’s dangerous?” Jack looked at me.
“You coming in or not?” I bit my lip. Jack’s face was hard as stone, even with his inebriation. Even though we’ve been through some shit together, I still feel I need to prove myself sometimes when I’m with him.
“I’m coming, Sir!”
“I am too.” Daniel added meekly.
“You don’t have to, Daniel.” Daniel stood his ground. Jack shrugged and knocked on the door. After a minute the door was opened by a short pudgy guy with four fingers. He had no shirt on, but was wearing a hat and pants. He sneered at us, frinning up his nose. Jack and I were kind of taken aback by the guy’s funny features, but Daniel started laughing hysterically.
“Oh my god, he looks like a Smurf on crack!” he cried. I kicked him, hoping he’d take the hint and shut up.
“Good day, um, Sir,” Jack began, “We were wondering what was making the funny noise we heard. The guy grinned.
“Come in,” he cackled. Actually, it wasn’t a cackle. His voice was way too low pitched to cackle, but you get the general idea. We walked in.
And then I saw the most frightening thing I had ever seen. This was more scary than all the Goa’ulds, more scary than fighting that ugly dude on Simarka, tons more scary than being stuck on that frozen planet. This was the scariest of the scary.
It was an evil cow from Hell. There are no other words to describe it. It was just a huge cow... An evil cow... From Hell...
“Oh my god!” Daniel shouted, “It’s an evil cow from Hell AND a guy who- I mean- he looks like a Smurf on crack!” With that he ran for the bathroom and threw up.
Jack and I were dumbfounded. After all, we’d never seen an evil cow (how many people have?!). It was the strangest thing I had ever seen...
“Bow!” The evil cow from hell said, “For I am an Evil Cow From Hell.” So we got on our knees. Well, I got on my knees. Jack was still processing the information. I pulled him down.
“Ow!”
“Sorry, Sir.”
“S’ok Carter.” The cow looked at us.
“Will you play a game with me?” it asked, “I am very lonely and I have no friends, other than Mr. Assistant Man.” I sighed a huge breath of relief. If that was all this thing wanted then chances are it wasn’t too evil.
“Yes, O Great One!” I said. Jack looked at me in a very strange way. “Play into it, Sir. Maybe it’s not so terribly evil...” He nodded.
“O, um, Great One, um, what do you wish us to play?” The cow grinned evilly. Well, as evilly as a cow can grin. Come to think of it, can cows grin? Hmmm...
“Me, The Evil Cow From Hell, wishes to play Strip Uno!!!!” The Evil Cow From Hell said (by the way, his name is capitalized now because I had learned that The Evil Cow From Hell wasn’t only his description, but his name.). Boom, right in front of us was a table with all the cards laid out. “Thank you, Mr. Assistant Man.” The Evil Cow From Hell said, “You are most efficient and quick.”
“Yes master. Shall I invite The Other?”
“You speak of The One Who Cannot Control His Vomit?”
“Who else, master?”
“Do invite him.” The assistant walked over to the bathroom and knocked on the door. Daniel came out and erupted into laughter.
“He looks like a Smurf on crack!” Daniel shouted, and laughed so hard that he hit his head on the door and knocked himself out.
So, nervously, we started the game. Mr. Assistant Man or whatever his name was wasn’t playing, so it was just the three of us. And The Evil Cow From Hell didn’t have any clothes in the first place, so only Jack and I had to remove bits as we went along. And let me tell you, Jack is *not* a good Uno player. ‘Course, maybe it had to do with those six beers... Well, after about five hours he was down to almost nothing. Only his pants (and hopefully boxers) remained. I am quite a good Uno player, if I do say so myself, so I was almost fully clothed. Jack lost once more, and removed his pants. I turned away, hating to see my commanding officer degraded in such a way.
“O Great Cow From Hell,” I inquired, “How long until we end this wonderful game?”
“We play until it’s all gone,” it replied.
“All... Gone?” Shit. Why oh why hadn’t I backed out before we came here?
The next game Jack lost. Of course, Daniel chose that moment to wake up from his concussion. He opened his eyes and screamed.
“Oh my god, it looks like a Smurf on crack!” I put my hands over my eyes, I really didn’t want to see this.
“This has got to be a dream,” I muttered.
“Sam!” Daniel called, “Sam! Wake up! We’re almost to the seminar!” I opened my eyes, relieved to see that the strangest mission of all time had been a dream.