DISCLAIMER: All characters and property of Stargate SG-1 belong to MGM/UA, World Gekko Corp. and Double Secret Productions. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Any other characters, the storyline and the actual story are the property of the author.
.The stars were falling down from the sky. And they were singing.
If love had a sound and a taste and a feeling then it was pouring all about him, filling him, singing inside him as the S'il descended from the infinite to welcome into their midst another of their own.
A cluster of sparkling, exquisite, scintillating clouds that were all one and yet distinctly different twinkling manifestations of the ethereal wafted majestically down through the open portal of the mountain, hovering above their heads, surpassing the sunlight and paling every rainbow that had every dared to exist with their palpable brilliance and magnificent hues. The K'Haya sighed deeply with the ecstasy of their presence, moving as one toward the centre of the bower. They ringed the stairwell, still looking up, the atmosphere of the garden suddenly significant with hushed awe and reverent expectation. Above them the S'il pulsed and sparkled, the delicate colours of the entities in the cloud mingling and deepening as each one of the hovering entities in its turn mentally greeted and attuned to the respective K'Haya who had been its a'tah.
Jack knew somehow that the S'il did not come home often, but when they did, it was well worth the wait.
Jack hovered between being pulled to be part of that graced assemblage and knowing that he had no place there. What he felt inside him just by being in the fallout threatened to bring him to his knees beneath the weight of the rapture that pressed upon him. He fought off an illogical, irresistible impulse to take off his shoes.
Jack could only stand there staring dumbly, as slowly, moving in an almost dream-like dance of perfection, Xi'a got to her feet. Oh, this was Xi'a. No doubt of that. She might be wearing Daniel's body for just a little longer, but as he watched her float across the verdant carpet toward the - ramp to heaven - he had no doubt who he was watching. Daniel had never in his life moved like that. Holy - he was almost getting USED to this..
He watched in stunned admiration as Xi'a flowed gracefully forward, her every movement a studied homage to the body she would soon be departing from. The last gesture of respect; the parting gift to the vessel that would soon no more be hers. To use it as perfectly and as beautifully as she was able, one last time.
*Bye, kid. Take care of yourself. *
He hadn't meant to - hadn't thought she could still hear him, now that they - weren't - anymore. But suddenly, not quite halfway up the stairs, she halted, faltered, half turned to look straight at him and nail him right between the eyes with a look that near melted the soles of his boots.
Well, it was not as if Xi'a had done anything yet the way she was supposed to why the heck should she start now?
"JACK!" She sobbed and began to fling herself back down the stairs at him, her arms outstretched.
Part of her reached him before the rest of her did. Suddenly what was in his mind overrode the information conveyed to his brain by his eyes, and for the first time when he looked since this whole menage a deux and sometime trois had started, all he saw was - XI'A.
He saw within, in a supernatural state of awareness, with feelings and emotions and smells and sensations and the firing of all the senses the most beautiful woman he had every seen or felt or had ever dreamed existed she was Xi'a and yet the pure essence of all that was woman and female and yet ohmygod so much more and how was this happening it was almost more than his senses could bear and just when he thought he would be consumed by this most exquisite burning there was more twin flames that whirled about him as arms of fire enfolded him fire seared his chest and inflamed his heart a font of fire burning mouth engulfing his own.
*I love you Xi'a/Jack/love/Daniel/you/Xi'a I love you..*
.I am he and he is me and we are all together burning whirling never be this way again moments before good-bye one last gift to the most beloved.
Jack thought he had had it all, been all that Daniel/Xi'a were and knew when he had been joined to them before, but suddenly they opened onto him fully - what all of Xi'a could be, and what she was becoming.
Suddenly he was huge, bigger than his body, and getting bigger all the time as his awareness swelled, moving outward, far beyond the room that formerly held him but could no longer, far beyond the mountain, the sky, the planet, the stars, farther still, spreading out farther and farther, touching - everything all at once, distinct and yet a part of the all his consciousness unique and yet somehow simultaneously aware of everything that was. He saw, he knew, understood - for just an instant touched -
* good-bye. *
. - slipping through his fingers that taste of all-that-was the answers the understanding the being falling back getting smaller so small, so alone gone, all gone they were gone.
Shuddering, bereft, empty, Jack opened his eyes to see Xi'a running back up the stairs, almost to the top. Anguished and desolate, he felt the invitation and stumbled forward to join the K'Haya, his eyes never leaving the figure now standing on top of the platform.
There were gentle, caring hands upon him, soothing sensations in his mind, assuaging the hurt, pushing away the barrenness, easing the wrenching loneliness, helping him come to terms with having to be only what he had ever always been once again. As he watched Xi'a's becoming begin, enough of the shock of their final departure had been taken from him to enable him to realize that she had left him with one final assurance.
There was a door number four.
Knowing what it would mean for her even in the face of what it would mean for Daniel, Jack had no idea whether to be happy or afraid.
Or which of his friends he wanted most - to be saved.
He could feel the level of excitement and awe in the room jump off the scale. The S'il descended lower. It was happening!
The aura that had surrounded Daniel for so long was completely gone. Everything that was Xi'a was now concentrated in a single vortex of brilliance over his heart. It rested there, for the briefest of moments and then surged out and up and away from him, as Xi'a at last became, transforming, shrugging off her final need for the body that had sheltered her, flowing gloriously upward toward those beings above her that she was now one of.
She was so beautiful. Light and colour and swirling, animated brilliance, riding the air just above Daniel's head. The welcoming song of the S'il vibrated through Jack as it did all the K'Haya about him, and it pulled her too, he could see it in the way the lights in the cloud that was now Xi'a quivered and pulsed.
But she did not go up and away to join them and Jack knew why. He didn't need to look up at Daniel to know why either, but he did anyway.
Daniel stood there, head bowed, hands splayed across his bare chest, rubbing the bare skin under his hands with slow, confused movements. Then his head flew up, his features distorted with an expression of such unbearable pain and loss that Jack wanted to avert his eyes. Daniel's mouth gaped open as if he meant to scream, but no sound came out. Pinioned by the sight, paralyzed by fear, Jack wanted to move but could not make his body respond. He stood, watching helplessly, as Daniel's legs crumbled beneath him and he began to fall.
He did not reach the ground. The amethyst miasma that had been hovering just above him swooped down the instant Daniel began to topple, encircling his body, buoying him up, supporting him and setting him back on his feet as it wound caressingly about his body. As the new S'il Xi'a flowed about him the pain on Daniel's face visibly eased, to be gradually replaced by a look of awe and sorrow.
Door number four. He'd figured it out. Shit damn hell and shit again.
Overhead, the song of the S'il faltered and the nebulous beings shivered as they too realized what Xi'a meant to do. The little guys around him were shaking their heads, wringing their little hands in distress and Jack could feel his own guts twisting in knots as he felt himself equally pulled in both directions, not knowing which way he wanted it to go. Yet.
Above them Xi'a flittered about Daniel's form, billowing and winding sinuously about his limbs and body as she sought to encase him in the assurance of her love and devotion. Tears shone in Daniel's eyes, his face was soft with compassion as he reached out his hand to touch her shimmering surface and then folded his arms to his chest as if by doing so he could clasp her to him as well. His eyes closed and he wavered, even in the midst of her support, as the magnitude of what she offered him overwhelmed him.
Door number 4. Xi'a forsakes what she is. Doesn't go with the S'il out into the infinite, out into space and time and forever which is her place and where she belongs. Doesn't fly free and boundless with the gods and the universe. She stays right here, tied to the earth, with Daniel, never leaving him, protecting him from the consequences of what she did to him in order to atone for having hurt him. Not just that though. Not just because she owes him one, although she certainly does. Mainly she wants to stay with him because she loves him.
Seems their little friend had picked up a thing or two during her stay in Daniel's mind. Jack had to admit, her really liked her style.
For what seemed to be forever and then some, the matter hung between them. Jack waited, the K'Haya waited, the S'il waited in an agony of anticipation.
It was not a done deal, not by a longshot. Well, where Daniel was involved, big surprise. Daniel stood, very still, his arms still folded across his chest, his eyes closed, Xi'a swirling about him faster, her colour deepening, flashing, sparking.
All of a sudden Jack knew. Knew what he wanted. As much as he cared about Xi'a, he was too afraid of the alternative. He remembered all too well what the final separation had done to him, and he had only been a peripheral part of that wonderful melding for a few short hours. Daniel had lived in the heart of that expanded consciousness and that power for over - well it had to be at least 4 days by now, maybe more, he hadn't exactly been keeping track.
However long it had been it had been a hell of a lot longer than what Jack had been a part of. After that fleeting taste of the infinite and how much it had hurt to lose it - Jack found himself a whole lot less confident of Daniel achieving the reality of door number three. His friend had a lot of guts, but Jack found himself seriously doubting that even Daniel would be able to handle what he would have to get through if Xi'a left him.
Didn't matter what it meant. Didn't matter what Xi'a had to give up to keep Daniel from that. Didn't matter what Jack had to give up - if it meant that Daniel had to stay here in this place with Xi'a for the rest of his life. Just so long as he was okay.
Part of him hated himself for hoping this, but he did it all the same. Clenching his fists he looked up at his friend and hissed between clenched teeth, "Dammit, Daniel - for once in your life - think of yourself first! That's an order!"
Okay, that last part was stupid. Even if Daniel could hear him, he wouldn't pay attention anyway. Just made him feel - better - to say it.
Yeah, as if Daniel would actually listen. As if he really had any say in it at all. No say, maybe, but he could pray.
Crap. The discussion was over. Oh Daniel - why?
Daniel's arms had dropped to his sides. He had drawn himself up, his face resolute with his decision. Jack didn't need to see the vehement shaking of his head to know which way it had gone.
The cloud about him quivered, the light within it dimming and flaring again with sorrow and the obstinate defiance of Daniel's wishes. Daniel continued to shake his head, and then he looked up, to the S'il who still hung above them, waiting.
Jack started to move up the stairs. Daniel wasn't having any arguments. The matter had just been taken out of Xi'a's - ah - hands.
Jack was halfway up the stairs by the time the S'il had descended upon Daniel and Xi'a, enveloping them both briefly. They gathered their own to them swiftly. By the time Jack reached the platform they had withdrawn, and were rising rapidly up into the air, out through the opening of the mountain and into the endless universe that awaited them. Daniel was alone.
Daniel dropped as if he had been cut off at the knees, but as fast as he fell, Jack was faster. He caught his friend in strong, supporting arms, looking desperately into his eyes as he gently lowered him to the ground. Daniel's eyes were locked to the sky, gazing up and far beyond him as if still looking at the beings that were no longer there. Jack tightened his grip, trying to reach him through the physical reassurance of his presence. Daniel's arms came up swiftly, wrapping themselves around Jack's upper arm, gripping him until the pain almost made Jack cry out.
Daniel clutched him like a drowning man, his eyes still wild and staring out into the infinite. Jack felt his heart grow cold. Supporting the weight of Daniel's upper body against his thigh he moved his free hand up to support the back of his head, trying to turn Daniel's eyes toward him. Where the hell were those little blue guys? He could sure use some help here!
Suddenly, something in Daniel began to respond to the pressure of Jack's fingers on the back of his head. Slowly, Daniel turned to finally look at him. He focussed gradually, as if trying to surface from a dream that refused to let him go. Even when he finally made it, the Daniel that looked back at him was not much more than a faint shadow of what he should have been.
His mouth worked. He was trying to speak. Jack spared a moment to hurl a glance and a shout down the stairs.
"HELP! Help, here would be good!"
Daniel's eyes were bleak and yet.
"Beautiful," he said finally, in a voice as faint and faded as his consciousness. "She's so beautiful."
Jack tried to say something, but nothing would come out.
Daniel's eyes were becoming clouded with pain. "She's free. that's - that's good.."
His voice trailed away and his chest suddenly heaved in a great gasping sob as his face contorted with agony.
"Aaahhh, It's lonely. So lonely Jack.."
A fierce spasm of savage, protective anger ripped through Jack as he crushed Daniel to his chest.
"Jesus, Danny I know it is, I know. Hang on, I'm here."
"Cold. So cold.."
Well it was about stinking time! Several of the K'Haya swarmed across the platform, bustling toward them. One of them was carrying a large piece of white cloth, not quite big enough to qualify as a blanket but it would more than do for what he wanted it for.
Ripping it impatiently from the hand that extended it, Jack quickly bundled his shivering friend in it, spent several minutes chaffing his unresponsive arms and back and then enfolded him back in the bearhug again while he glared at the blue guys who were just standing there staring back at him.
"Well?" He demanded. "Do something! Fix him! The same way you fixed me!"
He hadn't even finished speaking when he knew that they had regretfully told him that they had already done all for Daniel that they could. The contact that Jack had experienced had been surface and fleeting and its effects easy to remove from the psyche. They could not 'fix Daniel's brain' or 'wipe his mind' - the problem did not reside in any part of him that was physical or that they had any power to affect. They were very very sorry, but that was the way it was.
Once, just once, he wanted to say - fix it, make it better, and have someone say back to him - why, sure, Jack, no problem. Have it done in a jiffy! Just once.
He really didn't think that was a lot to ask.
Daniel was stirring beneath him, trying to say something. Jack pulled back and looked into his friend's eyes.
He still looked really bad, but somehow, he was holding on.
"What is it, Danny?" Jack said gently.
Daniel looked up at him, incredibly trying to reassure him with his eyes. It was pretty weak, but it was there.
"Take me home, Jack."