Author's Notes: So, here we are at the end. Thanks for coming along. Yup, I know I didn't get around to tying up the Maybourne thread but there was so much else to get to. Maybe in the rewrite. Sometime later. Much, much later.... Anyway, Happy New Year and enjoy. 'Til next time....
DISCLAIMER: All characters and property of Stargate SG-1 belong to MGM/UA, World Gekko Corp. and Double Secret Productions. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Any other characters, the storyline and the actual story are the property of the author.
Jack took another sip of coffee as he stood by the sliding glass doors that gave out the deck beyond, looking at the man who was sitting on the steps outside, taking the morning air.
No big deal. People did it every day. People did simple, ordinary everyday stuff like this all the time, never giving a moment's thoughts to how significant even the simplest of moments could be.
Jack was looking at a man who was sitting outside. Alone. On his own. For the first time in almost a month. And the blessed mundane-ness of what Daniel was doing made Jack want to fall to his knees and weep for sheer joy.
The preceding march of days that they had all just come through was not an experience that Jack had any wish to ever repeat. They had been dark, desperate and deeply fearful times, and the ordeal had not been lessened by the assurances of the diminutive K'Haya gentleman who had attempted to set his mind somewhat at ease before going home.
He almost hadn't made it. Jack felt a wry smile of remembrance crease his face as he thought about the General and Tir. Hammond had insisted on giving the little guy a full tour of the facility, the whole Red Carpet VIP bells and whistles ring ding deal. Which, to his credit, Tir had submitted to like a really good sport. Hammond had been so taken with the little dude that he was making noises about taking him home for dinner and it was starting to get a little weird then, so Jack had stepped in and rescued him saying they were expecting him back home and the General had just smiled and said 'Okay' and walked away.
Jack found himself profoundly grateful that the phrase 'playing with somebody's head' now only meant - externally.
It had been hard to say good-bye to Tir. Jack hadn't realized how much he had been leaning on the little guy's ability to help out with Daniel. And how much it scared him to have to try and help his friend without him. Tir had pulled him down, wrapped those teeny weenie doll arms around his neck and sent a whole big bunch of comforting confidence and reassurance his way. Tir told him not to worry. Daniel was strong and brave, and he had a lot to live for. A lot to come back for. Damned right there.
Then there was the stuff he was still thinking about. The stuff about Tir not being so sure that being one with Xi'a had not left its mark on Daniel somehow after all. That maybe something of the gifts he had been meant to have - had remained.
Well, seeing what he was seeing now, knowing where Daniel had been and how he had gotten to where he was now in such a short period of time, Jack wasn't just so sure that maybe Tir had been right.
Jack wondered if he should tell Daniel about the invitation. That they both were more than welcome to return to the bower whenever they needed to. Both were more than welcome to be there, the next time Xi'a and the S'il - came home. Tir would say only that Daniel would know when that was. The rest was up to them.
It had been nice to have something good to think about while for so long there had been only so much more to be scared about. On the third day Janet had released Daniel, and SG1 had been granted an indefinite leave of absence and taken their stricken comrade home. The four of them had made Jack's place the official base of operations, and for the past month he had had two very dedicated and diligent housemates on site practically twenty-four hours a day to help him comfort and tend to the third.
The first week plus some had been the worst. Daniel had been little more than a husk barely animated by the man who lived within. Connected to them by the slenderest of threads, his awareness of his surrounding signified by the most tenuous occasional responses, Daniel was only 'there' enough to be able to marginally respond to the most basic bodily requirements. And even in that, he could not bear to be alone.
That is what Jack found the most terrifying. For someone who was as independent, as self-contained, as proud as the Daniel he had always known had been , to see him so completely unable to care about himself or to be by himself was painful and frightening. When they had first brought him back here, he had out and out freaked at any attempt to install him in the spare room. Wasn't having any part of that. He only calmed down when they put him on the couch and that was pretty much where he had stayed, wrapped mummy-like in a sheet, his body jammed face first into the back of the couch as far in as he could cram it.
He only stirred from that position when he absolutely had to. Periodically allowed largely unsuccessful attempts to feed him, which he submitted to with passive indifference. Was spectacularly unperplexed by the technicalities of daily ablutions and the periodic rotation of clothing and sheeting that took place with his negligible participation. Fortunately there were a few personal requirements he seemed to be aware enough to be able to perform for himself, but he still couldn't be alone when he did it.
The really odd thing was that for someone who spent so much time lying prone staring at the back of a couch, you would have thought that he would have slept more. Even wrapped as he was in his covering and the concern of the people around him, it was hard to get him to stop shaking long enough to settle. Jack didn't know how many hours he had spent with the man shivering in his arms, clamped in a grip that Jack held fiercely until his limbs ached to the bone with it, while Daniel quaked soundlessly and stared.
As it turned out, the only one who could get him to stop shaking and sleep - was Teal'c. As soon as the Jaffa placed that big, black hand on the small of his back, Daniel calmed right down. It was the damnedest thing that Jack had ever seen. Even though they had already observed this phenomenon in the infirmary, it had taken an additional two nerve-wracking and anxious days to make the connection again. Sometimes the most obvious solutions are the hardest to see.
However, once they had the key, something quickly evolved that was really amazing to behold. When it came to his single-minded determination to be of service, Teal'c brought a whole new dimension to the term when it was applied to the lengths he was prepared to go to help Daniel. Jack was fully willing to credit the Jaffa for being one of the most important factors in Daniel's recovery. Can't argue with the truth.
It was not actually all that hard to figure out why that was. Even though it sounded like a gross over-simplification, essentially Daniel was - in shock. However, it was the biggest, baddest version of that condition that anyone had ever been subjected to. He was trying to fight his way through a million miles and layers of paralyzing numbness and pain, and it was a farther distance than he could go on his own strength. What he needed was something to grab onto to pull himself up with, something to punch its way through the barrier from the other side and meet him halfway. That is just what he got. The undeniable reality and the pure power of being that was Teal'c.
The Jaffa was just so strong, just so vital, so undeniably solid, reliable and tangible that he simply could not be denied. Especially when he put all of his heart and soul into impelling the full force of everything he was right at Daniel.
It wasn't long before Teal'c had virtually taken over every personal ministration that Jack and Sam had been seeing to on Daniel's behalf. Their fallen friend had gotten himself one long, large black shadow that never seemed to get tired and wasn't going anywhere for nothing no how.
Jack was relieved to see it happen. Immensely relieved that Sam and Teal'c were here to help, because he felt himself rapidly reaching the stage when he - couldn't - anymore. Not that he wouldn't have gone to hell and back several times over for his friend, but he was beginning to discover, as the first week turned into the second, that he was finding it harder and harder to be with Daniel. To see him like that. Jack's mind was too full of the memories of that other Daniel only he had seen; the brilliant godling who had laughed and raced and sparkled, been loved by a creature of the stars and who had filled his mind and body with fire and joy and the blessedness of being. To see him now like this, crumpled, shattered and empty was more than Jack could bear. It very nearly, literally - broke his heart.
And then, just when he thought he could not stand another minute of it, just when he thought he had to run, to leave, do anything just go anywhere where he did not have to see it anymore, he heard Daniel call his name.
Just like that, as if he was merely awakening from an overlong sleep, Daniel called to him as he struggled to turn around and sit up. He wasn't having much luck - being all wrapped up the way he was. So Jack went to him, and let him out.
It got better after that. Little by little, like beads of water dripping from the spigot of a soul suspended, slowly refilling the vessel, drop by precious drop. Little by little, Daniel came back.
It was like watching him literally being reborn. Like watching someone come into the world again for the first time. He was confused, he was bewildered, and he didn't have a clue. That which was everyday and commonplace was as mysterious to Daniel as the arcane scratches and scribbles which he once read with such ease were to Jack. That was when the long hours of talking began. The showing, the explaining, the discussing, the just-plain-chewing-the-fat with Daniel nestled in their midst, an expression of deep concentration on his face as he struggled to understand them.
He turned more and more to Sam then, as she became the one who would sit with him and hold him, as she talked tirelessly to him about anything and everything. Daniel appeared to really be taken with the sound of her voice and he seemed to understand more of what she said to him than anyone else. Jack and Teal'c just looked at each other and smiled a lot, while they had their own discussions over exactly who was going to wash and who was going to dry.
Daniel was with them again, even though he was still a long way from being what he was. He was far more responsive, alert and aware, but he still needed an enormous amount of physical contact and reassurance and constant company. But as long as they all were there and he was never alone, he continued to get better.
And now, there he was. Sitting outside. By himself. Almost himself. The mental confusion had started to really clear two days ago. For the first time in ages Daniel had looked at him and Jack had known that his friend truly knew who he was. He still wasn't saying a lot. Daniel had barely made a sound through the whole of his ordeal. Jack smiled to himself at that. How many times in the past when he had been the target of many the tangled torrent of exuberant but confusing verbosity had he wished that Daniel would just shut up. Be careful what you wish for?
Well he certainly wasn't going to say that he was so relieved to hear him talking again that he would never ever tell him to shut up. Yeah, right! With all the expositional asides Daniel could take a half an hour to explain how to turn on a light switch. He'd give himself about a week of the kid's babbling once he got back up to speed again and Jack knew damned well odds were he'd call him on it.. Hey, we are what we are.
Daniel turned back suddenly, to see him standing there looking at him. Jack made as if to back away, feeling a little embarrassed at being caught peeking. He didn't want Daniel to think he thought he needed a keeper.
Daniel flashed him a slight smile. Not nearly as bright or as brilliant as the ones who used to live on his face before this, but it would more than do. He waved at Jack, asking him to come out and join him. Jack shrugged, put down his coffee cup and complied.
Without even thinking about it, as it had become such a deeply ingrained habit he automatically held out his arm as he settled himself behind his friend, fully expecting Daniel to immediately slip under it. Daniel didn't move.
"It's all right, Jack," he began, without looking at him. "You don't have to do that anymore. I'm - okay now."
Yup. Daniel was back.
"I - appreciate what you and the others have done for me," he continued, still staring straight ahead. " It couldn't have been easy. I'm sorry I was such a burden."
Crap. Definitely all the way back. Guilt module located and fully engaged. Here we go.
Jack held his arm back out and made an encouraging motion with his head. "Ah, heck with that. You're going to go all-independent on me soon so I 'm not going to get a chance to do this much more. Tell you the truth, I'm gonna miss it. Humor an old man. C'mere."
Daniel shot him a shy, sidelong glance as he considered what Jack had just said for a minute. Then with an expression that clearly conveyed that he wasn't nearly as ready to get as standoffish as he had been letting on, he emitted a small sigh and shifted into the man beside him. Jack settled his arm firmly around his shoulders and pulled him in tight.
He had been telling the truth. This wouldn't happen like this ever again. He certainly hoped to God not. Not for the reason that it had happened, anyway. Daniel would be himself again, and he would no longer need any of them to be what they had been for him during the time he had been lost to himself. Which is the way it should be. But that didn't mean that Jack still wouldn't miss being needed - in quite this way.
Make the most of what you've got while you've got it. For nothing lasts forever. And guess who had taught him that one..
"Janet's pleased with your progress. She says if you feel up to it, you can go back on light duty in another week."
Daniel sighed again. "Don't even want to think about what must be piled up on my desk by now."
"Well, you know how it is when you go on vacation. Bureaucracy waits for no man. Or anthropologist."
"Archaeologist."
"What?"
"That's archaeologist. I'm an archaeologist."
"Oh. Right. Sorry."
" Don't worry about it. Happens all the time. It'll be good to see the place again."
"You've been missed. An awful lot of people can hardly wait to see you."
"Yeah? That's nice. Wouldn't mind seeing a few of them myself. Not that you three haven't been really great and all but -"
"Sure, sure," Jack teased. "You've had just about enough of same old ugly faces -"
"Well, I wouldn't put it quite THAT way - " Daniel protested.
Jack laughed again and gave Daniel's arm a squeeze. "Relax, just kidding."
They lapsed into an easy silence and just sat that way for a time. Jack very much wanted to break it, but he did not know if it was yet the time to question Daniel about what he most wanted to know.
The unexpected sound of Daniel's voice startled him.
"Go ahead, Jack. It's all right. I don't mind talking about it."
Damn! How does he DO that!
"Why? Why did you do it, Danny?"
"Do you mean why did I let her take me? Or why didn't I take her?"
"Uh - both."
Daniel was silent for a time, considering his answer. "They're actually kinda one and the same. I had no choice."
Jack looked at him, the need to understand heavy on his face.
"What does that mean, Danny, of course you had a choice! You could have turned around and walked away. You could have let her stay with you and saved yourself a lot of pain. Those were choices too, and they were just as valid as the ones you made."
"If you saw a man bleeding to death in the street - could you walk right by him and do nothing?"
"Of course not - but that's not the same thing!"
"Yes it is."
"No it isn't! Stopping some bleeding isn't going to run me the risk of getting myself - lobotomized."
"So, you're saying that it's only okay to help someone if there is no personal risk involved. If it's too much trouble we should just look the other way and move on."
Jack closed his eyes and sighed. Crap. Hoist on his own petard.
"I think I liked you better when you were brain-dead," he grumbled. "Sure was a hell of a lot easier to win an argument."
"I know," Daniel replied softly. "You might not like it, but I just couldn't turn away. It's just the way I am, Jack. She - needed help. I was there. That's all there was to it. I'm nobody special. It was nothing special. No big deal. I just happened to be in the right place at the right time to be able to help. It was nothing anyone else wouldn't have done."
"Oh Danny, believe me. There is no one else like you."
"Whatever that means," he murmured, evading the compliment he did not feel comfortable acknowledging. "I sent her away - for the same reason. I brought her home to set her free. To help her become what she was. It would have made no sense to hold her back from that. Simply to spare myself a little pain."
"A LITTLE pain!" The volume at which the remark came out surprised even him. "Danny, you were a freaking vegetable for crying out loud! You came THIS close to being eligible for planting, fertilizing and watering for the rest of your life! Now it's fine to sit there and spout principles but if you hadn't of made it back, would helping Xi'a really have been worth - THAT?"
Daniel didn't answer him for a long time. He laid his head on Jack's shoulder as if the effort of talking had suddenly become too much for him. Or if what Jack had just said to him had been too painful to respond to.
Jack kicked himself upside the head several times. When was he EVER going to learn to throttle back a bit when it came to trying to talk to this kid? He just made him so CRAZY sometimes.
"Jesus, Danny, I'm sorry. Didn't mean to go off on you like that. It - just scares me sometimes. Scares me a lot. The things you do. Sometimes I wish you wouldn't care so damned much about everything and everyone and then maybe - you wouldn't scare me. But then you wouldn't be you. Can't win for losing."
"If you had to do it over again, would you take it all back?" The sudden, unexpected return of Daniel's voice started him.
"Danny?" Jack wasn't sure he liked the direction in which this conversation was heading.
"If someone said to you - I can fix it so you and Daniel Jackson would never meet, would you do it?"
"What kind of a question is that?" Jack could feel righteous indignation coming out of his pores. "Don't be stupid, of course not!"
"I dunno," Daniel continued softly. "You might want to think that one over a little more. "Seems to me you might be a whole lot happier if you just - walked on by. Certainly would spare yourself a lot of pain. No worries, no more fear. Your life would be a lot more simple, you'd have all the control you need. You'd be safer - "
"And a whole lot of empty," Jack finished gravely. He was getting it. Safe was not necessarily a good thing. If the price for it was everything that made life worth living.
"Okay," Jack conceded. "All things considered I would rather know you and live everything that could possibly happen because I do rather than never have known you at all."
"That's how I feel about Xi'a. " As he continued to speak, Daniel's voice took on a hushed, rapt quality. "The things she showed me, the things she enabled me to do and share with her, knowing that that beautiful, amazing creature is out there somewhere - free - I wouldn't take it back. Not one minute of it. Not even to spare myself one moment of what came next. If pain is sometimes the price for living, Jack, than sometimes the price is more than worth it. I'll take living over playing it safe every time."
"Me too!" Jack slapped his thigh for emphasis.
"Now you're making fun of me," Daniel smiled
"Just a little," Jack grinned. "Kind of expected, isn't it? Sorta becoming my mission in life."
"What, to be my tormenter?"
"I was thinking more along the lines of - hot air release valve."
Daniel sighed, shook his head and said nothing for a time. Jack felt slightly disappointed. He had been hoping to get a little bit of a rise out of his friend. Guess he was a little rusty. If at first you don't succeed.
"I knew you were there with me,' Daniel said suddenly, in a small, quiet voice. "I could see you, hear you. Feel what you were feeling. I just wasn't strong enough - to reach you. I tried. I'm sorry."
"It's okay." Jack replied. "I'm -working on it. What we just talked about is going to help a lot. Anyway, it's really good to have you back."
"Feels pretty good to have me back, too."
They lapsed into another small silence. Jack shuffled his feet, found a fascinating patch of his sleeve to contemplate, looked up at the sky, fidgeted a bit more."
"Sooo," he finally came out with it. "What else do you remember?"
He couldn't see the grin on Daniel's face but he could feel it.
"Everything."
"I see." He let that sit for a couple seconds more. He could feel Daniel's shoulders beginning to shake beneath his arm. Nothing to cause him any alarm. Quite the opposite, as a matter of fact.
"So was it good for you?"
Daniel choked back what would have been a fairly impressive guffaw if he had let it go. As it was, his reply wasn't as throw away as he was going for.
"I never kiss and tell."
He barely got the last syllable out and he was laughing. Hard and loud, great peals of his chesty, honest laughter.
It was possibly the most beautiful sound Jack had ever heard, and it brought the other denizens of the house running, their own delight at hearing it plain on their faces.
"Hey!" Sam's voice was full of mock effrontery. "What's going on out here? No fair starting without us!"
Daniel was still laughing so hard he couldn't speak, so he just put his arm around her to greet her as she sat down on his other side. Teal'c followed her down the stairs, and then settled himself on the step below them, where he turned and surveyed the trio on the step above him with grave approval.
"DanielJackson, you appear to be well. Does this mean you will be cutting the meat into little pieces by yourself now?" Now being held up by the two people on each side of him, Daniel just looked at him. He was quite helpless with laughter. Sam leaned forward making an obvious show of 'whispering' something to Teal'c behind her raised hand.
"It's worse than that. The Colonel doesn't get to play 'open up door so we can fly the little airplane into the hangar' with the Lucky Charms anymore."
"Hey! Jack said indignantly. "No one was supposed to SEE that."
Daniel was laughing so hard tears were sliding down his cheeks. He also appeared to be in serious immediate danger of hyperventilating.
While Sam and Teal'c tried to encourage him to calm down and start breathing again Jack let the glow that was coming from all of them wrap around him. They had Daniel back. They were whole again. It was going to be all right.
He really did mean what he had said to Daniel earlier. About working on it. About wanting to have what was right here and now more than being afraid of what not having any of it some day would mean. But he didn't have to worry about that now. It was here. Everything was here. Everything and every one that made every day of his life worth living. Right here sitting around him and the one who always seemed to know how to be it the best.
Tomorrow would take care of itself soon enough. This was all he wanted, and where he wanted to be.
Jack wrapped his fingers just a little more firmly around Daniel's arm and took it on home.