DISCLAIMER: Star Wars and all publicly recognisable characters, names and references, etc are the sole property of George Lucas, Lucasfilm Ltd, Lucasarts Inc and 20th Century Fox. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Any other characters (Shal-Nyx, K'yllyn, Annah, and Clira) are the creation and property of the author and Caeryn Myer. The storyline and the actual story are the property of the author .
"You rotten Bantha poodoo."
"That's no way to say hello to someone who loves you."
Turning around with a sigh, an eyebrow raised in interest, she crossed her arms over her chest. "Wasn't actually referring to you, pet, but if you'd like the title... "
Qui-Gon Jinn smiled sympathetically. "Not really. What's got you in a bad mood?"
"The Council has some half-cocked notion of having me take on a Padawan... "
"That's how we continue the Jedi tradition, Shala."
Shal-Nyx Cael rolled her eyes. "Tell me something that Yoda hasn't drilled into my head half a dozen times already. What they want me to do is take on a Padawan now, like within a few months, if not sooner."
"Oh."
"Precisely my thoughts. I'm not ready for that yet, considering I--" she paused, her voice cracking before she could finish the sentence.
"Sssshh, luv, ssshh. It'll do you no good to suffer over this." Taking a lithe hand in his, pulling her into an embrace, Qui-Gon sighed. Coming back to the Temple had been easy enough, the Council remarkably lenient; it was the following months of re-discovering how to get back to their old lives that was proving difficult. Oh, Qui-Gon knew he had the easier part of the deal, he had no doubt of that; but because of that, he made his best effort to help her.
For the second time in his life, he felt pity for Shal-Nyx. She was a strong woman, but the last year had changed her, in some ways for the worse. The Temple healers had taken it upon themselves to bring her back up to par on the Jedi scale, setting her body back in balance, helping her tone her body back down to her lean fighting form. As for her mental state, however, they couldn't help.
Qui-Gon was there for that, and she did appreciate it, but some of the time his presence was a painful reminder of what they had sacrificed. From a friendship with a fellow Knight, Mace Windu, she had found an outside comfort, one that the Council had not forced silence upon. It was a interesting political twist that they had sealed and encoded the records pertaining to the mission on Cas'hay and the Jedi child, claiming that it was for the child's safety and the privacy of his parents, their lifelong duty to the Force.
However, both Qui-Gon and Shal-Nyx felt that it was because the Council was afraid that if word got out that the Temple was permitting liasons within an elite group of galactic peacekeepers, there would be damage to the Jedi reputation. The other theory, which Qui-Gon had intentionally kept to himself, was that the Council was sending a mission to retrieve the child, the assigned Knights unaware of the boy's lineage.
This, of course, was presuming the child hadn't already been brought into the Temple.
Stroking her soft auburn hair, he shook his head. "Have they explained the dreams yet?"
Freeing her face from his robe, Shal-Nyx shrugged. "No, they can't connect it to any hormonal imbalance and getting them to adequately explain it within the concept of the midi-chlorians is a walking laugh riot."
"You still don't believe the theory?"
"Not really. It's perfectly convenient to put an unchangeable number on someone's skill with the Force. Next thing you know they'll theorise that these 'midi-chlorians' are beings unto their own with the potential to reproduce of their own will."
He chuckled. "That's ludicrous."
"You're telling me." Backing out of the embrace, smoothing the fabric back down, she brushed fingertips across his jawline.
His smile was a piqued one as he took hold of her hand, kissing it. "So a Padawan... "
"Yes. They'll win me out, it's inevitable. But I can't help wondering about the younger--"
Suddenly putting a finger on her lips, he shook his head. "No."
"Why not?"
"We're not meant to find him, Shala. If we really were, and he was here, you would have felt him. And as for the convenient fate of choosing one's own son as a Padawan learner... "
"Hey, it could happen."
"Shala... "
She sighed, walking over to the workbench and sitting down. "I'm sorry, but I can't seem to move on as proficiently as the Council wishes me to. I'm really trying, but those eight months changed me. I was the link and provider of life for another being. I-- we had a chance for something beyond our destined careers... you can't tell me that the thought of a real family, flesh and blood, doesn't interest you, doesn't make you wish for something more... Real pain, real love... it was worth it to get even the briefest taste of what we set aside as Jedi."
"And you long for it."
"I want to be happy, I want you to be happy. We were happy on Cas'hay."
His voice was a quiet sadness, "You nearly died there."
"And I lived when we were there."
Running a hand through his hair, pushing errant strands off his face, he affixed a quiet stare on her. "True enough, but if we ignore the Council anymore than we already do, they'll never go easy on either of us for the rest of our lives. Move beyond Cas'hay, my love; we still have many years before us... I'd like to spend them with you."
Lowering her eyes, suppressing the blush rising in her cheeks, Shal-Nyx smiled. He was such a devoted and kind man. "You're probably right."
"Probably?"
"Alright, alright. You're stuck with me."
He chuckled.
For a twelve year old girl with a penchant for being overly curious, Annah Shelsi was an accomplished initiate and ripe for apprenticeship. Her thick black hair bound up in a Corellian braid, her pants and tunic a little small for her growing body, she grinned suddenly at her opponent, snatching the wooden staff away. "Hahah!"
Her opponent glowered, taking a more defensive stance. "You can't use both! That's against the rules!"
"Oh, poodoo! The only rules I know of are 'no bruising, no hitting anyone else but each other and acting innocent when Master Yoda walks into the room.'"
He shook his head. "Annah, one of these days I'm actually going to beat you!"
The twelve-year-old girl laughed. "Not in this lifetime, Mar!"
The dark visaged boy grumbled.
"Oh, stop whining and do something!" Spinning the boy's weapon, she bounced back and forth on her feet, waiting, her own weapon in her other hand.
About to tackle her, connecting hands with his staff, his eyes widened in mid-air. "Ack!! Adult alert!"
Knocked down on the floor, her back contacting the mat, Annah grunted. "Get. Off. Me." Pushing the gangly form of her fellow initiate to the mat with a thump, she jumped to her feet, trying to look composed.
Stepping through the doors, Yoda, a dark skinned man and a tall woman paused at the edge of the room, meeting the eyes of the children before them. Annah, being the closest by virtue of where she fell a few moments earlier, scrambled to her feet and bowed. "Master Yoda."
The little green Jedi nodded in response. "Annah, believe you ready for apprenticeship, I do. Want to see your skills, these Knights do."
The girl blinked. She was used to Yoda, the little Jedi Master was a facet in the lives of the future Jedi, but the others... The man was tall, shaved bald, his eyes sharp and observant, but his gaze was not a harsh one. The woman next to him was about equal height to her fellow Knight, her long auburn hair pulled into a partial ponytail. Her gaze was keen, but heavily guarded. There was no fooling that one.
Pulling brown eyes away from the grey eyed Jedi and bowing once more to Yoda, Annah turned around and grinned at her friend. "Wanna help me get my braid?"
Marcalai shrugged. "Okay."
Quickly the pair of twelve-year-olds erupted into a flurry of activity, their staffs clashing and swinging at each other as they crossed the mat. Using her height and quicker reflexes, Annah started to drive the dark haired boy into a corner, feigning blows to his ribs when she actually was swinging up for a blow to the chin.
Mace Windu raised an eyebrow. "She's fast."
Shal-Nyx shook her head. "Too fast."
With a grunt, Marcalai wiped sweat from his brow, avoiding visual contact with the Knights as to hide his embarrassment about being knocked down. Hopping to his feet, using the Force to move out of the way of the other staff, he twisted around, dropping to a crouch, hooking an end under Annah's knee and swinging through, dropping her to the floor, her hands flying up in the air.
"Aaagh!"
Yoda held a green hand up. "Enough."
Shrugging, Shal-Nyx gave Windu a look. "Told you."
Leaping to her feet, shooting a nasty glance at her grinning opponent, Annah dropped to her knees before the small Jedi Master. "Master Yoda?"
"Over-extended again, you did. Happy I am not."
The girl tried to hide her shame but failed. "I'm sorry, I didn't anticipate Mar's move..."
"No. Anticipate you did, wait you did not for the actual move. If real battle that had been, your life would have been over."
The two onlooking Knights exchanged glances. They had both heard this speech before. Taking a breath, Shal-Nyx took a chance, "Perhaps she did not anticipate it, Master, perhaps she was not prepared for it and reacted only as she could."
Without turning, his heavy lidded gaze remaining locked on the girl before him, Yoda's voice was a sharp reprimand, both on the vocal and Force level. "Anticipate it she did. Reaction is not training, reaction is Force. If hear the Force she cannot, belong she does not here."
The girl's eyes were lowered to the ground, her head dropped practically on her knee. Yoda's words stung her with every syllable.
Which, of course, rose a defensive reaction in the female Knight.
Mace set a hand on her arm. "Shala, don't argue, not here."
She snorted. ~Like hell I'm giving in.~ "She needs to learn, Master, she needs to be taught how to deal with a foe by someone who can give her the attention she needs." Leaving the sentence hanging, she left her words laden with a tone that indicated that she was not just referring to the initiate prostrated on the floor. "How can one learn if they are only criticised, hmm?"
Mace, Annah and Marcalai stood in silence, expecting a harsh response from little Master. Yoda turned to face the woman, his ears perked up, his eyes squinted. He was sizing her up, testing just how far Shal-Nyx Cael was willing to go.
Finally, he sighed, shaking his head. "Point you may have, but unacceptable your expression of it is. Blind I am not." Turning to face the initiate, his gaze softening as he regarded the young girl who was practically on the verge of tears, he said "Learn you must, but all for now. Return to your practising."
Annah raised her head, nodding, spitting out a "Yes, my Master."
Rapping his cane, Yoda walked out of the room, using the Force to beckon Shal-Nyx to follow him. When the pair left, and Mace Windu was left behind in the room, he crossed his arms over his chest and gave the girl a smile. "You made a friend today."
"Angry you are."
Shal-Nyx sighed. "Not about the initiate."
"Angry you are."
She lowered her eyes, the temper she had been bottling for weeks threatening to spew forth. Instead, she took a breath, closing her eyes, letting her tone become cold. "I'm not 'angry.' Unhappy, yes."
"Knight Cael, tell I cannot why. Tolerate such behaviour I will not, so suggest I do that you inform me of your grievance so dealt with it can be."
"Why did you seal the records?"
Yoda's eyes widened. No wonder he couldn't figure out why she was acting in this manner. Her problem with him was viciously complicated and carried the burden of being one not permitted open discussion. "Thought we did it was for the best."
Her stare was unkind. "And, with all due respect, thank you very much for asking me about it. After all my years here I would have expected a little more respect when it comes to my affairs."
Shaking his head, the Master sighed, casting a glance around the hall to make sure there was no one to overhear. "Yes, and had the 'affairs' occurred not in the first place, no need there would be for sealed records."
"A little too late to complain about something that's been going on since I was seventeen. I'm sorry I don't fulfill the galaxy's image of a Jedi, but just because a mission was punctuated with my bearing a child, it does not mean those records must be buried in encryption!"
Yoda could feel the resolve behind her words. Her anger wasn't disturbing the Force like the raging of a tyrant or pangs of revenge, they were the words of the mistreated, borne of deeply hidden misery. She wanted her justice. "Necessary it is to continue current image of the Jedi to galaxy. Intended it was not as a personal slight, but Clira and I felt that if open records were available, questions there could be about the Temple practices. Fall apart we cannot on issues of genetic family or sexual activity."
"And what a great service to the galaxy it is. By suppressing information you have obscured the truth. The day may come when my son will want to know why the people that raised him aren't really his family."
"Jedi will the child be, family will the Jedi be to the child, just as it is for all Jedi."
"How comforting. I can love my son as a Jedi, but not as a son. Next you will tell me that I can love Qui-Gon, but not as his lover."
He matched her harsh tone perfectly. "Moot point that is. Proven you already have that you will break the Code to be with him."
About to snap back with a line she had used many times before, Shal-Nyx stopped herself. She was treading the thin line between light and dark, civility and violence, and Yoda was letting her.
Taking a physical step back, crossing her arms over her chest, she focused her thoughts, pushing the flares of anger from her mind. Taking a few breaths, reaching out to the living Force that now spoke to her with an amazing, almost painful, clarity, she let her voice drop to a quiet tone. "I'm not myself right now. Just as I had come to experience the real joy that comes with a real family, I'm torn away from it, forced to leave my own flesh and blood behind in some facility. I don't know if he's gained his health, I don't know if he's being cared for and I don't even know his name! Chi nastore kiri! Master, you cannot force me into silence and expect me to adapt readily about this kind of thing... "
There was a silence. Setting both hands on the gnarled cane, Yoda lowered his head, lost in thought. This was getting more and more complicated all the time. "Stop you and Qui-Gon from being together, the Council cannot. Give you the family you nearly had on Cas'hay, the Council cannot. But make you a Jedi Master, we can. Bring you as close to the Force as one can ever come, we can."
"And the records?"
"Sealed they are, that will not change."
Shal-Nyx sighed audibly. "Then I have nothing more to say."
If there was a time that the little Master was tempted to ignore his own teachings and indulge in harsh words, it was now. "Shal-Nyx! This attitude will not be tolerated! Change we cannot the past and apologise I will not for millenniums of Jedi tradition!"
Bowing with grudging respect, the female Jedi turned around and walked down the hallway, her stride long and deliberate. Before finally rounding a corner out of Yoda's view, the Force carried her silent voice to him, her words laced with a sting.
~You can't hide the truth forever.~