DISCLAIMER: Star Wars and all publicly recognisable characters, names and references, etc are the sole property of George Lucas, Lucasfilm Ltd, Lucasarts Inc and 20th Century Fox. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Any other characters (Shal-Nyx, K'yllyn, Annah, and Clira) are the creation and property of the author and Caeryn Myer. The storyline and the actual story are the property of the author .
The dawn came quickly upon him, bathing his worn eyes in blinding light, the din of waking minds bothering his Jedi senses. Sitting up slowly, wiping away the sheen of sweat that coated his forehead, Obi-Wan Kenobi sighed loudly.
He just didn't feel like himself anymore, and it went without saying that he didn't feel like a Jedi.
"I can't live like this." Reaching up a hand to scratch his head, his fingers instinctively fell to behind his ear to the base of his braid...
That hadn't been there for years. Obi-Wan berated himself mentally. ~I can't fall apart, I have a duty, I have a legacy.~
But, he admitted with a dark thought, it was the same legacy that had put him in this state.
Throwing the blanket aside and padding to the washroom sink, he splashed water on his face, trying to rouse himself the rest of the way. The water coursed over his forehead and cheeks, running a trail down his nose to drip back in the sink, catching partially on his chin from the stubble that had gone unchecked. Looking in the mirror, he stared at his own visage. ~If this is me, who was I before?~
As always, silence was the response to his question. It was the only confidant and friend he seemed to have. Yes, there was K'yllyn, sweet, loving, dedicated K'yllyn, but it would be cruel of him to throw his burdens on her. She had her own life, her own concerns to take care of, and no matter how entangled her life was with his own, he couldn't let his problems supersede hers.
Entangled. Such a perfect word. Who would have known that when Qui-Gon Jinn and Shal-Nyx Cael met on a starry night in the Temple Gardens, both of them Padawans, that that moment would spark off forty years of love and pain? That as individuals they would select their second apprentices, of whom would come together in similar circumstances? That only after their deaths it would be learned that he, Obi-Wan, was their son, and by not stopping his own relationship they may have accidentally ensured their own family tree of Jedi? That fate, presuming it twisted as it was known to, gave him his own child, making K'yllyn Myrrdin the mother of her Master's grandchild?
He shook his head and walked back to his bed, sitting on the edge, rubbing his temples. All the complexities were raining down on him in rapid succession. The records he and K'yllyn had found were only the beginning; now the dreams were filling in the blanks, giving him flashes of insight to lives he had no notion of. People that he knew in one way, the particular image of his former Master as a young Knight especially hard to resolve.
But he was stuck with them, and those were easy to handle in comparison to some of the others. Whatever door this "gift" had opened to him was making him privy to visions of events both terrifying and wonderful, many which had yet to happen, others that could only be long faded memories floating on the surface of the Force. There seemed to be no order to them, they occurred as they did, no matter what he did to suppress them.
Suppression had failed for her, too.
~What did work?~ he wondered. Shal-Nyx was suffering from them and she had recovered for the most part, so there had to be an answer. It was also small comfort that his suffering, although tedious and disruptive to his life, was lesser than hers; where they had nearly destroyed the very fibre of her being, they were ruining his concentration, but not to the point of shattering it.
Not that he had seen the first time, nor knew much about it other than what he had overheard from the healers and Shal-Nyx herself, and the information he was only now discovering. But the second time, the time he had witnessed in brutal clarity, that was what made his own suffering seem small. Whatever treatment they had administered back then had brought her to recovery, but it went without saying that the scars left behind were noticeable.
If she had recovered, so could he.
Lowering his head, folding his hands in his lap, Obi-Wan closed his eyes and opened his senses up. He reached out into the Force, shutting out the material world in entirety, losing himself in the energies around him. He could sense himself, but his body felt distant from his mind, the tendrils of reality thin threads anchoring him down.
Here, within the pure streams of the Force, he could see the images that haunted his sleep but they did not dominate him. He could push around them, examine them closely without getting pulled in, maybe coming to some discovery about their true nature.
Until the vision of a fire suddenly stood before him. It blocked his path like an angry giant, strong and alarming. He reached out with a spirit hand to touch it, to test and see what it was composed of.
And reared back. Even though the fire itself wasn't real and he had never actually moved his hands, he jerked sharply, clumsily. Nearly tumbling over the other side of the sleepcouch, his body not responding as quickly as it should have, he grasped blindly for the edge of a blanket, holding on while he tried to re-incorporate his self into his body again.
Not daring to open his eyes, the world spinning around him dizzily, he remained still for a moment, trying to gather his calm back. He was in his room, nothing had attacked him, he was not in danger.
At least on the physical plane of reality.
Obi-Wan panted for a few moments, feeling his stomach slowly settle back down. Carefully, slowly opening his eyes in the dark room, he exhaled loudly.
What had just happened? He had never in all his life come across such an aggressive concentration of energy, something so bound and determined to rip his concentration to shreds. It was an element of the Force he never knew existed, nor cared to meet again.
Standing up very slowly, his stomach still a little queasy, he reached for the glass of water on a nearby stand.
Was this what it was like for her? Her physical body caused to suffer from non-corporeal energy? Left to be tortured by demons that bore no name nor form?
The sight of her weakened form, prone in a bed, pillows supporting her back, her sleep induced only by the strongest of healers was a frightening image to him at that moment. That could be him in the near future, unaware that he was forsaking his physical form because he couldn't feel it over the dreams.
K'yllyn had told him once, on one of those nights where she had sought refuge in his arms, that through the unbreakable master/apprentice link that she had with Shal-Nyx she could get a sense of what was going on. That it was a slow and ever increasing deluge of energies that the mind was not meant to deal with, not in high amounts and certainly not constantly.
It had never even occurred to him back then to ask how to stop them. Based on what he had personally seen, there had to have been a cure, some kind of medicine or healing that worked, since Shal-Nyx had gone back to active duty afterwards, scars aside.
Retrospect could be such a cruel mistress sometimes.
Glancing out the window with a disdaining sigh, he reached for the datapad with his schedule. Nothing of importance today, no meetings, no great sacred stage of apprenticeship that he had to work Anakin through. This was a good thing; he could send the boy to the practice rooms under the care of another Knight and use the day to try to discover his long lost rest.
And to find some answers.
"Raend, can you stop by my quarters this evening?"
Qui-Gon's voice carried down the hall, causing the healer to pause and turn around. The shorter man bowed his head. "Yes, Knight Jinn, I can if you need me to. Is there a problem?"
"Shal-Nyx is in my quarters. When I left her she was sleeping."
Raend wrinkled his mouth up. "This would be after the evening you described...?"
"Yes, Healer. She came to me after the fight with Yoda and things occurred... I really don't want to go into detail if I have to, this is our personal life, and as much as we're used to scheduling time around it, we are not used to having the most intimate details exposed to public scrutiny."
Stepping around the tall Jedi and coming to stand directly in front of Qui-Gon, Raend raised a hand and lowered his voice. "I'm very sorry, Jinn, I didn't think when the two of you came to me to help her recover that it would become such an issue. I have kept as much of my medical information private but once the blood tests exposed anomalies, the computers automatically red flagged her records for the Council. Then Masters Yoda and Clira demanded I inform them of Knight Cael's physical progress... it all sort of snowballed from there."
Qui-Gon sighed. There were moments, such as these, when he wished they had stayed on Cas'hay, this particular one lingering longer in the back of his mind than any other before. If they had never left...
Stepping out of the way and letting Qui-Gon lead them to his quarters, Raend opened his mouth, venturing the question he was almost afraid to ask. "After all this has happened, how is it that you and her stay... "
"Together?"
"Yes."
"It's a matter of many things. As a healer I think you would understand the need for people to have a connection to something... an ideal, a faith, a person. In Shal-Nyx I have found something that has brought a peace to the galaxy. I'm not bound to her as if she was a life raft on an angry ocean, and neither is she to me. We are companions, Raend, longtime friends that part and come together as fate allows."
"Then, and I must admit I'm naive to much of this, why don't the pair of you resign from the Order and change your fate so events like this won't happen?"
Qui-Gon stopped in his tracks. The question caught him off guard; never for a second had he ever considered leaving the Jedi in order to pursue a family life. A family life without the galaxy calling him away at a moment's notice.
His family.
Blinking quickly, he shook his head. "I'm a Jedi. My duty is to the Force and my life is for the defence of the galaxy's peace."
"That was too quick an answer, even for a first year Knight."
As his hand hit the door lock, Qui-Gon set a harsh stare on the black eyes. "We're here, healer. Do your job and let me worry about what I've sacrificed for the sake of duty."
"Yes."
The room was dark, cloaked in shadow, the window shades drawn across to block the lights of Coruscant. Stepping beyond the threshold, Qui-Gon scanned the room, noting with a pang of worry that the only things laying on his bed were the wrinkled sheets.
Raend caught the look. "Can you sense her?"
"Yes and no. You know perfectly well that a Jedi can hide their energy signature." About to reach for the light switch, Qui-Gon raised his head and immediately went over to crouch near a corner, touching a large hand onto a blanketed form.
The healer hesitated. "What's wrong?"
"Ssshh. Shala... can you hear me?"
Raising her head slowly from between her knees, her forehead glazed with sweat, the grey eyes had an eerie glow in the dark. Her voice was raspy as she raised a shaking hand to her lover's face. "It's quieter down here."
"Quieter?"
"Can't hear the din as much... doesn't hurt... "
"You're feverish. Raend, come here."
The healer knelt down, putting a hand on the female Knight's forehead. "Yes, she is. Can we get her on the bed by chance?"
Qui-Gon nodded, ignoring the sense of deja vu coming over him. "My love?"
"I trust you."
"Good enough for me." Easing hands underneath her knees and around her waist, he lifted Shal-Nyx up, pulling her to his body as he stood slowly. With a quick motion he turned around, setting her down on the bed, easing her head onto the pillow.
His instincts kicking in, Raend set his hand once more to her forehead, his palm looming over her eyes. Pushing out with the Force, using his senses to feel for the disturbance in her energies, he closed his eyes, transmuting his own healing energy through his fingertips. His voice was quiet and monotoned when he stated, "The fever's not the problem, it's the after effect. I can feel whatever it is, it's in her blood, disrupting her balance, affecting her ability to use the Force to help herself."
"Break the fever and wake her, Raend, so that we can see if she can explain."
"Yes, ah, yes, of course... " Withdrawing his hand slowly, pulling fingers away with a lingering concern, the healer stepped back a few paces and opened his eyes, a question behind the dark irises. "Knight Cael?"
The grey eyes opened slowly, focusing on the surroundings with a cautious air. "What... ?"
Qui-Gon resisted the urge to reach out and cradle her body against his. They were not alone. "We found you in the corner, you were--"
"Delusional."
Both men were taken aback by the word. "What do you mean?"
"I don't know. I was asleep, dreaming like I always have when something changed. The next thing I knew I was trapped, I couldn't get out of the vision and it kept getting stronger and stronger... I couldn't break the link to it, it started to pull me down into it, I couldn't... " her words trailed off, but the look in her eyes finished the story.
The visions had frightened her.
"You couldn't control it, Shala? Is this related to what happened on Cas'hay?"
Raend jerked up his head. "I don't understand."
"Ever put together a lightsabre like the way you were taught to and then one day accidentally switch a wire, making it twice as powerful?"
"I never was very good at mechanics, that's why I'm a healer."
"She tapped into the living Force, Raend, moved beyond her abilities."
"Oh! Shal-Nyx, can you feel it now? The vision, or maybe just the Force itself?"
With a long sigh she gathered back some of her awareness. "Yes, but it hurts less now. I can control it again."
"I want to take a sample. Of blood, I mean. There's something not right here, maybe it’s related to that defect... "
Lifting her arm up off the bed, she nodded. "Take what you need."
Drawing into the satchel at his side, Raend paused. "Qui-Gon?"
A little surprised to hear his name, he gave the healer an unguarded look of curiosity. "Yes?"
"Is there anything else I should know?"
Qui-Gon exhaled loudly, suddenly feeling the burden of the chain of events that had led him there. "I don't think so, but if there's a cure..."
"I'll find it, I swear it."
"Are you sure that these are all the records?"
Raising her head from a jar of bacta that she was labeling, the healer nodded. "That's all we have, Knight Kenobi."
There was a grumble behind his words. "Never is an easy way."
"Rarely," the trim waisted healer assented, and set back to work.
Sitting in front of a terminal, scanning through layers upon layers of medical records, searching for anything that might explain his recent troubles, Obi-Wan Kenobi was getting nowhere. First, he had tried to access her records, the records of Shal-Nyx, to examine the entries for any similarities that might confirm his fears.
But, as with many things, they were sealed. It, too, required the authority code of a Council member to access them.
"Damned bureaucracy."
"What?"
"Oh, nothing," Obi-Wan said quickly. It would do him no good to curse aloud no matter how badly he wished to do it. He had contacted Yoda earlier and asked for those answers, but was hastily informed that the little Master was busy the entire day and to try back later on.
His breath caught when he began to sort through the data files that sorted by symptoms. "Healer?"
Stripping off a glove and coming to stand behind the chair, she smiled warmly at him. "Yes?"
"What's this one? 'MATS 1?'"
The healer paused, reading over Obi-Wan's shoulder. "I've never seen this file..."
A scuffling from one of the back rooms caught both their attentions. An older, male healer in beige robes, bearing shoulder length black hair peppered with white came out, walking over to the screen. "It’s called MayaDeva A Taehli Syndrome. Only affected one Jedi in our entire history."
Obi-Wan's head snapped up. "Who?"
"The records are sealed for a reason, young Knight."
Whether it was the look in his eyes or the circles under them, Obi-Wan met the coal black eyes, pleading. "Please, tell me."
There was a pause, and the old healer's jaw fell slightly slack. "It couldn't be..."
"Master Raend?"
"I'm okay, Chele. What's your name, young Knight?"
"Obi-Wan Kenobi."
Raend shook his head. "I should know it, but..."
Chele, looking at her gloved hand, hesitantly added, "Master Jinn's former Padawan."
The room fell quiet. Obi-Wan winced. It brought a twinge of mental pain to hear his Master's name and "Padawan" in the same sentence, especially right now. Staring intently at the Knight before him, Raend shook his head and muttered incoherently before ushering the female healer out of the room. "Out, Chele, I need to talk alone with this one."
Her protest was a quiet one. "I don't understand...?"
"What brought you here, Obi-Wan?"
"I wanted to see if there was anything on the records that could explain what's been happening to me."
Raend's breath caught. It couldn't be... after so many years... "And what is that?"
"I don't know, it's really hard to describe, but the symptoms for this syndrome here match it perfectly, and have a striking resemblance to something I've seen someone else go through."
"Do you know who you are, Obi-Wan?"
His voice wavered. It was still hard to admit, especially out loud. "I'm Qui-Gon's son."
Clapping a hand over his mouth to stop the pathetic laughter, Raend nodded quickly. "I knew this day would come! These records you see here are from your mother, Obi-Wan, this is what Shal-Nyx Cael had. I know, I'm the one who diagnosed her... both times."
The remaining shreds of doubt that had lingered about his true lineage shattered. There was no question left to what he already knew and had accepted in his heart.
And this healer before him knew it, too.
"Oh, I wonder if I still have those notes. They're old, about twenty years or so, when I was trying to research this syndrome. This is amazing, I get to confirm my theory, I--"
Obi-Wan was giving Raend a morbid stare. "If you don't mind, this isn't easy for me."
"Oh! Of course! What can I do? Have you had a blood test to check which type it is? Hmm, probably not, let me get the materials-- "
"Is there a cure?"
The healer paused, biting his lip. "Maybe. What worked with her may not work with you, Obi-Wan; you've got a different set of chromosomes, there may be factors--"
"Meaning?" Obi-Wan interrupted again.
"Well, quite frankly, you've got half the genetically altered genes, the ones from her, I mean. There's a good chance that the serum won't work with the unaltered paternal genotypes present; or they may be preventing you from suffering as much."
~Of all the things a Master has ever given his apprentice.~ "But you'll try to cure me?"
Raend half-nodded, running a hand through his black hair. "You recall as well as I do that there is no 'cure,' but I may be able to make it so you never suffer from it again."
"I'll take what I can get," he said quietly.