DISCLAIMER: Star Wars and all publicly recognisable characters, names and references, etc are the sole property of George Lucas, Lucasfilm Ltd, Lucasarts Inc and 20th Century Fox. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Any other characters, the storyline and the actual story are the property of the author.
The lift stops on the living quarter floor silently and smoothly. As the door slides open, you feel almost a corporeal sense of doom, of the feeling that destiny awaits you around the bend. You step foot into the hallway and stay motionless until the lift closes and you hear it slide away from the floor.
You left the side of Obi-Wan’s bed for the first time in a day to travel up here…to see Qui-Gon. Your son is now stable…the illness has been stopped but not reversed. Damage had been done to his lungs and his heart. The medics and healers are hopeful, but no further progress has been seen. They are putting all of their energy into reversing the damage. You left him with tears, a slight kiss on the forehead and an I love you. But right now, you had other things to deal with…namely your son’s father.
The room is the same one that he led you to all those years ago. The red carpet is almost the same pile, almost looks the exact same. You press down the hall; your steps slow from both indecision on this meeting and from the aches of your heart about Obi-Wan. Your footfalls are silent as you approach the door to the shared quarters of Qui-Gon and his apprentice. For the first time in the twenty-five years that you have known this man, you are hesitant to see him, to talk with him, and the feeling is like lead in your stomach. What in the name of the Gods will happen?
The door looms in front of you and you take a deep breath, and key the entry code to the rooms. The door, thankfully, is still keyed to you and it slides open. You push forward, your head swimming from not enough food and sleep and from the sadness that is now bone deep.
The room is darkened, only lit from the light in the sleeping quarters. The twinkling lights of passing ships shine through the windows. Lights from far off buildings are like little stars in a sea of technology. It is the first time that you are saddened by the distance that others have kept from this temple and this Order. The separation is hard on the Jedi. You step further into the room only to stop suddenly as you see the darkened form of Qui-Gon sitting facing the slim window by the far wall.
The dark is so thick that you have a hard time making out anything but his existence there, but your memory helps to fill in the blanks.
“Hello Tira,” he intones lowly in the night.
You sigh and move forward, only to feel a slight press on your shoulder as if someone is holding you in place. You stop instinctively and sigh. “Qui-Gon…”
“Any change?” he asks, almost as if asking about the weather.
“Obi-Wan is still comatose and the damage has not been reversed…no there is no change,” you state, trying to get your thoughts together.
Silence is palpable as you stand there. Only the twin sounds of your breathing breaks the atmosphere. You close your eyes, squinting in the pain that you feel suddenly and then you realize that it is from Qui-Gon.
“Why, Tira?” his voice is choked in the dark. “Why did you never tell me I had a son…or a child at all?”
You can feel his pain like it is your own and you realize that he is projecting what he cannot contain. It must be soul deep and shattering to be spilling from him like this. “I thought I was doing the right thing…”
The form gets up and moves across to press its arms against the window. His palms slide down the glass, squeaking as they go. “By lying to me? By withholding the knowledge of Obi-Wan from me? How did you think that this was the right thing?”
“What would you have done?” you ask, nearly throwing the words out physically. “And what gives you the right to say what is right and what is wrong?”
He rounds on you and stares at you across the room. Damn this man! How dare he….
“I would have come to you, Tira…I would have…”
“Left the Order. You would have left and come to be with me. You would have hated yourself and me for it eventually. And then what…you would have stayed with me even after Obi was born and his midichlorian level showed him to be a Jedi? You would have withheld him from the Temple? What…what would you have done?”
“Maybe…yes…no….I don’t know….” His voice is tight and then it explodes. “I would have liked to have had the choice. Damn it…you took that from me…”
“Not happily!” you yell back. “What do you think I have gone through these last fifteen years, knowing this?”
“And what do you think I am going through now?!” he shouts back, stalking across the room to stop almost in front of you. “I have just spent the last year holding my own flesh and blood away from me. I nearly left him on Bandomeer, denied him as my Padawan. I could have left him there to die…”
“And you almost brought him back here to die, now!” you are trembling as you stare at him. You can see tear tracks on his face. They glisten in the very low light.
“You gave him to this Order, Tira!” his hand comes up to point at you. “You placed him in this life. You made that decision yourself…without any help. This. Is. His. Life. This. Is. The. Path. That you alone set him on. What I did, any other Jedi Master would have done…it was our mission and our destiny to do what we did there. The fact that he is my son does not change that.”
You stare openmouthed at him as you feel the anger well in you. “The fact that he is your son does not change that? How can you be so heartless?”
“He is a Jedi, Tira. This is his life. I love him as my apprentice…I have not had the time to come and love him as my son…I am still in shock from it, Tira. Unlike others that have had his whole lifetime to adjust to the idea.” His voice is low again. “What hurts even more than that…that lost chance to love him like that… is the fact that you betrayed me.”
You recoil in shock at the change in the argument. “I betrayed you? I did what I had to do.”
“I don’t know you anymore…”
You right yourself up and sigh. Your heart stops.
“This crushes everything that I have come to know about you. Fifteen years we have been living a lie.”
“Qui-Gon, try and understand this.”
“I can’t talk to you right now, Tira…I can’t be near you. I need time to think about this. To try and understand right now would only make me angrier. Obi-Wan does not need his Master angry at a time like this….he can feel it through the bond.”
You feel the pressure release on your shoulders. “What do you mean by all of this…”
“I need to be distanced from you, Tira. I don’t know what my feelings are for you right now, and I don’t know how to talk to you about it.” His voice is full of tears. “I love you with everything that is in me and you trampled on whatever feelings of trust that I had for you. And you kept me from my son. These are two things that I need to try and think around…”
“You want me to leave?” you gasp. “Leave the Temple?”
“No…I would not ask you to leave until we know what Obi-Wan’s condition is and how he will improve. But I need you away from me.” His head hangs down and you see that he has a sole rose in his hand. Oh my love!
You hang your head, the heat of the fight leaving you. The pain is hard on your heart and you gasp as you try and take a deep breath. Mace alluded to the need for you to share another’s quarters this night and you now know that it is a necessity. You take a silent step backwards. Dead, you feel dead and you cannot feel your feet, your hands, your head…shock…you are in shock…alone…cold….Obi…Qui….
“Will you tell him?” you ask in a normal voice…but alien to your ears.
“No…and neither will I tell him the identity of his mother…it will change his perception and his focus. He is his own person and so it will remain…” Qui-Gon sighs as he lifts his head. “Please leave.”
You turn on your feet, unable to stop yourself. All you can think about is the shock, the pain in your limbs, the lack of feeling in your soul. The death of a romance a half a lifetime long… You press to the door and hear him say quietly. “I will seek you out, Tira…please do not look for me.”
You nod quietly and press through the door, eagerly waiting for it to shut behind you. As soon as its cool surface slides shut behind you, you sink down its length, pooling into a mass of heaves. Tears pour down your cheeks and you gasp in great mouthfuls of air. Pain. Sorrow….
You hear a thud on the other side of the door and the sighs and low cries of a man in pain. You press your hands against the door separating you from him, and continue to cry. His whispered pain pulls at your heart and you know that he is seated on the other side of the door, crying as you are. What in Gods hell have you done? It was not suppose to be this way. You have killed all there is between you, you are sure. Your love still flares, but his…
You throw your head back and send a silent scream of emotion pain to the heavens