Lady Farcly seems like a nice gal. She said she is sensitive so I'm trying to respect that. Just let me say this: I don't know if this was beta'd by anyone. If it was, whoever did this should be slapped.

This is humor, and I always enjoy humor. It is about the vampires and vampire slayers (who are all getting along just fine) joining a bowling league. I laughed out loud at the thought of this. In order to pull of great parody, you have to be a great writer. Lady Farcly, I'm afraid, is not. Perhaps she's inexperienced and hasn't written a lot. It seems like that. If so, she has nowhere to go but up.

I know I said before that I wasn't going to waste time nitpicking about grammar and spelling, but I can't help it. This story is full of them. Ms. Farcly, if you're reading this, please note that I respectfully suggest that these areas could be greatly improved. It really, really, really left a pockmark on the story, at least for me. It sent me into such a tizzy that I made a page just for the use of commas, located here.

First of all, there is drastic misuse of your/you're throughout the story. "Your" indicates possession, i.e. "Is that your car?" This is the only time it's used. "You're," on the other hand, means "you are." Therefore, when Angelus said "Good your here," it should be "good, you're here," because if you were to break it down, he would be saying "good, you are here."

Secondly, any time you are ending a quotation with "he said," you need to end the spoken part with a comma, then proceed with "he said." Example:

"Good, you're here," Angelus said.

not

"Good, you're here." Angelus said.

There is a difference between active words and passive words. Active words are hard hitting and should be used as often as possible. Passive words come with one or two modifiers. An example of this is in Ms. Farcly's story. Instead of the passive phrase "started passing out shirts," why not make it harder hitting by getting rid of the word "started?" (In the story, it says "starting." I think it's a typo.)

And she's already said Angelus had a bag with him, and yet she says "passing out shirts from the bag he had." Who else would have the bag? No one.

That sentence is like a car wreck. Let's do it over. Instead of:

"Good your here." Angelus said and starting passing out shirts from the bags he had.

let's make it

"Good, you're here," Angelus said, passing out shirts from the bags.

Also, I don't mean to be hurtful here, but this entire story is a grammar nightmare. It takes away from every other element of it. More examples:

Angelus walked into the mansion holding several bags. He saw that the minions he had requested were there. Dalton, Kyle, Daria, Mark and Dale. The only minions with more than half a brain. Spike lounged on the red velvet couch and Dru sat on the floor in front of him brushing a dolls hair.

Doll's. An apostrophe shows possession. I shouldn't even have gotten started on this.

"Good your here." Angelus said and starting passing out shirts from the bags he had.

We've been through this one.

"Bloody ugly" Spike complained.

It should be "Bloody ugly," Spike complained. There's a comma there. And we already know from what he says that he's complaining. This writer suffers from "fear of said." (For more information on "fear of said," check out Virginia's critique of Cravings.)

Instead of:

"Don't start Spike, every bowling league has shirts. Look at the backs."

make it

"Don't start, Spike. Every bowling league has shirts. Look at the backs."

I won't go through it line by line. Let me just say that Lady Farcly needs someone to read over her story before she posts it. It is absolutely mandatory. I would also get rid of the little asides, such as:

"Incentive. Cool." Oz said actually liking his shirt.(Come on you knew he would)

Who the hell is speaking there? Who is she talking to? And then there's the issue of "bowling guy." Who is that? Is it the guy in charge of the alley, and "bowling guy" is being treated as his name? In that case, there needs to be capitalization so we know that. Call him Bowling Guy.

Also, you never need more than one mark of punctuation. Don't use more than one exclamation point or one question mark, as in:

"Slayer?? What the hell?" Spike said.

Following along with "bowling guy," if Dead Boy is a nickname for Angelus and Xander calls him that all the time, it should be Dead Boy with capital letters.

This story also doesn't need to be divided into two parts. Just leave a few lines in between the paragraphs where you want to indicate a pause. It doesn't break the flow.

As for the sex, there was sufficient build up. This story was written strictly to be a tasty little bit of slash, so a bet made during a bowling match is a good lead. But I was turned off of the story by that time.

Keep writing, Ms. Farcly, but please get someone to proofread your stories. Also, reading is a great way to get a better feel for language. If you really want to be a writer, I actually think you should continue with slash. The subject obviously interests you and it might be a good way to hone your skills until you're ready to move on to greater things.

I don't even know if Lady Farcly is still writing, or writing under that pseudonym. One can only hope that if she is, she's learned a thing or two since then.