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SEE PART ONE FOR WARNINGS, SUMMARY, AND NOTES. FAN RATED MAO.

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ONE MORE DAY WITH YOU

by

Candy Apple

The phone had no mercy. It kept ringing despite Christian's best efforts to ignore it. Even going to voicemail twice didn't dissuade this caller. No message, hang up, call again. Christian answered the phone.

"Hello," he mumbled into the receiver, not fully opening his eyes.

"I know it's late. I need a ride. Can you pick me up?" Sean's voice was on the other end of the line, and something didn't sound right.

"Teddy leave you stranded again?" Christian replied, blinking and sitting up, waking up more completely now.

"Not exactly. I'm sorry to call you so late...I need a ride," he repeated.

"Are you okay?" Christian asked, not liking the strained, anxious sound of Sean's voice.

"I just need you to pick me up. Please."

"Where are you?" Christian was worried now, but it was obvious Sean wasn't going to say anything more about what predicament he was in, at least not on the phone.

"I'm at the Quick-Mart on Tenth."

"That's not a great neighborhood. What the hell are you doing there?"

"I'll explain it when you get here."

"Okay. Stay inside the store until you see me pull in. No point in offering yourself up as bait for muggers."

"I'll be here. Thanks." With that, Sean hung up.

Christian pulled on some casual pants and a long-sleeved t-shirt, stuck his feet in sneakers and threw on a jacket as he went out the door. Only for Sean would he drive an orange Lambourghini through a questionable neighborhood at two in the morning. He wouldn't rest until he got them both back to the other side of the tracks with no bullet wounds and his car intact.

When he pulled up to the convenience store, Sean was watching through the door for him, and came out right away. He was wearing a leather jacket, t-shirt, and jeans, which in itself caught Christian's attention. He couldn't ever remember seeing Sean dressed that way in his life. What struck him most was that there was something wrong with Sean's gait. He got into the passenger side, but seemed to be moving a little gingerly as he lowered himself into the seat. Once the door was closed, Christian headed out of the lot and down the road he'd used to get there.

"You want to tell me what this is all about?"

"We should go to the office first," Sean said. "I need you to take a look at something," he added, keeping his eyes on his lap, not looking at Christian.

"Are you hurt? Sean, come on, what the hell's going on here?"

"Teddy wanted to go to this...place. I thought it was some biker hang-out. I was kind of nervous about it. I'm not exactly the biker bar type," he added, smiling a little. "Turns out it was an S&M club."

"Shit. You did get hurt, didn't you?"

"I feel stupid enough about this, Christian. I know I don't have any right to drag you out of bed in the middle of the night and then ask you to patch me up, but I feel so goddamn...ridiculous. I can't go into an ER like this."

"What happened? Where's Teddy?"

"I guess she's still there. Once the...session ended, I just left. I didn't want to see her."

"Was she the one who hurt you?"

"No, it was some dominatrix in leathers, from head to toe, complete with a face mask. I don't know who the hell it was."

"I'm going to be examining the damage in a few minutes, so you might as well level with me what happened."

"She stuck something up my ass and I'm bleeding," Sean shot out, as if he had to say it fast before he lost his nerve.

"Don't they have safe words in that place?"

"I didn't have one. I didn't even think about it. It's not like I do this on a regular basis. Pain has never been a turn on for me. Teddy thought it would get me to loosen up and surrender control, or something like that. I didn't think it would go this far."

"That bitch raped you, Sean. She ought to be arrested."

"I was naked and tied up to this X-shaped thing on the wall. I consented to that. How can I cry rape when I put myself in that situation?"

"To be brutalized? Did she tell you what she was going to do?"

"I was blindfolded. That was supposed to be the surrendering the control part." Sean was quiet a moment. "Pull over."

"Are you crazy? Not here."

"Pull over, I mean it."

Christian got the car to the curb just in time for Sean to open the door and throw up on the cement. He reached over to rub Sean's back, but Sean flinched away from the touch. Wiping his mouth on the back of his hand, he closed the door and nodded to Christian, who was anxious to get them to a better part of town, and to find out just how badly hurt Sean was.

"Maybe you're just shaken up and it's not that bad," Christian said, deciding that cross-questioning Sean and scolding him for letting Teddy lead him into another stupid, self-destructive activity probably wasn't what he needed right now. "Try to calm down, and we'll get it taken care of. A little rectal bleeding doesn't mean you need surgery."

Sean didn't say anything else for the rest of the ride to the office. Once they pulled into Christian's parking spot, he turned off the engine.

"Stay there." Christian got out of the car and went around to the passenger side as Sean opened the door. He reached out to give Sean a hand getting out of the low-flung sports car. If he had any serious tearing or injury, Christian wanted to make sure to avoid aggravating it.

They walked slowly into their suite, and finally into the OR.

"Why don't you get undressed and I'll get a few supplies?"

"It's mainly...the bleeding I'm worried about."

"You flinched when I touched your back, and I can see you've got some abrasions on your wrists from the restraints. Just put on a gown and you don't have to show me anything you don't want to, okay?" Christian said gently, resting a hand on Sean's shoulder. Sean finally nodded in agreement.

Christian gathered up a few things he thought they might need that he didn't want to make Sean wait for once he started examining him. He also lingered long enough to let Sean get out of his clothes and into the gown in privacy. Christian remembered how he'd felt after the Carver left him there, violated and bleeding. He hadn't needed stitches to recover, but the pain and the blood and violation were scary and degrading, and he'd felt so isolated. He knew he should have called Sean, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He didn't blame Sean for being embarrassed, for wanting help and yet dreading it at the same time.

"Ready for me?" he said, returning to the OR with his supplies. Sean was standing there in the gown and his socks, and he nodded. "Why don't you let me give you something? Just lie down on the table, and let me put you under so you don't have to feel any of this."

"I don't want to be here in the morning when the staff gets here."

"You won't be. I'll give you a light dose, and I'll take you home as soon as we're done. It's going to hurt like a son of a bitch for me to examine you, let alone if you need stitches, which you probably do judging by the bleeding."

"Okay," Sean agreed. He struggled a little with sitting on the table, and then lay down on his back, wincing as his skin made contact with the sheets.

"I'll take care of your back as soon as we get home." Christian paused to rest his hand lightly on top of Sean's head. "Just try to relax and I'll take care of everything."

When Sean was asleep, Christian carefully positioned Sean's legs in the stirrups and fought the lump in his throat while he cleaned up the blood so he could examine the bruised, swollen area. Whatever had been used on Sean was bigger than any normal penis, judging by the condition he was in. He placed stitches where they were needed and treated the area with an anesthetic ointment to help reduce the pain and swelling.

When he was finished, he left Sean dozing on the table and went to Sean's office to find the gym bag Sean kept in his closet. Inside were a clean t-shirt, boxers and sweat pants. Christian had to smile at how tidy and clean Sean even kept his gym bag. No forgotten smelly socks or soggy towels, just a neat set of supplies for the next visit to the gym.

He returned to the OR and cursed himself for giving Sean quite so much sedation when he tried to get the t-shirt and pants on him. Finally, satisfied Sean was treated and covered up with clean clothes, Christian stuck Sean's shoes back on his feet and coaxed him into the leather jacket. He gathered up Sean's blood-stained underwear and jeans, stuffing them in the gym bag.

He quickly tidied up the supplies they'd used, and left Linda a note that she should have the OR cleaned because it wasn't sterile. He figured she'd have questions, but he had a few hours to come up with a story.

Sean still wasn't very alert when they had to leave, and Christian finally gave up on making him walk - - which mostly amounted to dragging him anyway - - and carried him out to the car. It was hard for Christian to believe that he was wasting away from cancer when it seemed as easy to carry Sean now as it had when they were in college and he'd carried him to the ER with a broken foot. He'd been so sure things were going his way, that he was in remission, that he was on his way to another thirty-plus years of life. Suddenly, with Sean's head lolled on his shoulder, and the warm weight of him in his arms, Christian dreaded leaving his partner behind. Sean could be closed off, and he often crawled off and licked his own wounds somewhere, but when he needed Christian, he needed him badly. Without Christian, who would Sean have called? Matt? Christian wasn't even sure Matt was home, and if he wasn't, where he was.

He eased Sean into the passenger seat, and that seemed to bring him around a little.

"What'd you give me, a double?" he asked groggily.

"Enough so it didn't hurt," he answered honestly, running his hand gently over Sean's hair. I can't leave you, he thought, letting his hand linger on Sean's head a moment.

"Gave me enough for a horse," he slurred, closing his eyes again.

Christian straightened and closed the car door, retrieved the gym bag from where he'd abandoned it when he decided to carry Sean, and tossed it in the car, getting in himself and driving them home.

Home. Their home. Sean talked about getting his own place every now and then, but he never did anything about it. And that was fine with Christian. It was nice hanging out together after a long day, or running into someone other than a one-night stand at the breakfast table. Sean was a second parental figure for Wilbur, and often vented his own frustrated paternal instincts by sitting on the floor in Wilbur's room and playing some inane children's board game with him.

Christian swallowed the lump in his throat. He'd managed to be pretty calm and philosophical about his death sentence, but it wasn't resting well with him tonight. Seems he was more connected to this life with more binding ties than he'd realized when he flew off to Miami to propose to Liz. His child and his best friend needed him. For the first time, he really thought about Sean's life after he was gone. Sean was more alone than Christian, with Julia gone and the kids with her most of the time. Wilbur would be cared for by Liz, and Sean would go on with the practice, probably with some other partner, or maybe stay in practice alone. He'd move into an apartment by himself, probably, leaving Liz with the house to raise Wilbur.

He'll be so goddamned alone when I'm gone.

Christian blinked back tears, willing himself to stay calm and collected. He'd made his decision - - no more surgery, no more chemo. He was going to live the time he had left. He was going to get married, have a real family, live as fully as he could until the disease caught up to him.

And then Sean will stand at my grave and cry, and Matt or someone will pat him on the back, and then he'll go home and get drunk alone. After all, the one who'll need all the sympathy is my widow, not my partner.

"Shit," Christian muttered as he pulled into the garage at home. He got out of the car and went around to the passenger side to get Sean out. This time, his partner rallied better, walking on his own. When they walked into Sean's bedroom, Christian tossed the gym bag in the corner. "You had clean stuff in your gym bag, so all you'll need to do is take off what you want to go to bed. I want to look at your back and your wrists before you turn in."

"Okay," Sean agreed, kicking off his shoes and taking off the sweat pants and t-shirt until he was clad only in the clean boxer shorts. "I hope I didn't bleed on your car seats," he said. Christian hadn't even thought of the pristine leather seats in his prized Lambourghini. The fact Sean had bothered him for some reason.

"Don't worry about it. That's why they have leather cleaner."

"Am I still bleeding?"

"No. Now that everything is cleaned up and sutured, there won't be more than a little seeping from the sutured tears, if anything. Your shorts should catch it. Here, take this," Christian said, handing Sean a pill and a glass of water.

"What is this?"

"Just a mild stool softener. I don't want you putting any strain on the stitches."

"Great," Sean said, taking the pill. He sat carefully on the side of the bed, and Christian sat on the foot of the bed, so he was behind Sean. "How bad was it?"

"I put some self-dissolving sutures in. You had a couple large tears I repaired, and a couple minor tears that should heal on their own. There's a lot of bruising and swelling, but no signs of internal damage. What the hell did she use on you?"

"I don't know. I couldn't see it. It was hard and it was too big."

"Tell me again what the point of tearing up your back was," Christian said, his anger directed at Teddy and whatever psycho had hurt Sean, but it was coming out in his voice to Sean.

"Teddy thought turning over control would liberate me somehow...and that I needed to feel the pain of losing you so I could confront it and let go of you, and the hope you'd somehow miraculously recover. I guess she thought this was going to be some emotional catharsis brought on by physical pain."

"Bullshit," Christian said simply, looking at the angry welts on Sean's back. "This'll make it feel better. Numb it up a little," Christian said, keeping his touch as light as he could in spreading some of the analgesic ointment on the welts.

"I wish you had some of that stuff to use on the inside," Sean said quietly.

"I've been thinking about what you said," Christian said, going on with his task.

"About what?"

"Finding a clinical trial, something experimental. Not like there's a whole lot to lose."

"Are you serious?" Sean turned to look at him. "You don't have to commit to something because I got hurt, Christian. That was my own stupidity."

"Maybe I've come to the conclusion that I owe it to you and Wilbur to not give up without a fight. I've been looking at this like I was alone, that my death wasn't going to take anyone else down with me, so I could just...die. Not fight it. People come back from some pretty aggressive cancer, and if there's a chance I can raise my son, and spend another twenty some years playing doctor with you - - that came out wrong. You know what I mean. It's worth a shot."

"If it took someone ripping me a new asshole to make you change your mind, it was worth it."

"Nothing's worth this, Sean."

"I was trying to meet Teddy halfway, show her I wasn't this boring, strait-laced prude. And I hoped maybe she was right. Maybe it would help. None of that shit matters now. If you're serious, I'll get on the phone first thing in the morning and start looking into experimental programs, so we can decide together the best one to try. We'll need all the files from Dr. Moss, all the test results. Can you take care of getting those?"

"Hey, slow down, killer," Christian said, smiling. "We don't have to do it all in the next two hours." Finished with Sean's back, he moved over to sit next to him. He held out his hand, and Sean laid one of his abraded wrists there.

"It's a battle against the clock, Christian. Every second is precious. We can't let the cancer have any more time than absolutely necessary to spread unchecked before we get started. It'll take a few days to get you set up in a program anyway, even if we find the right one, right away. Assuming it starts soon enough. I don't want to wait."

"I was just talking about you letting me fix up your wrists, and then you getting a little bed rest to let your sutures do their work. You need to take it easy for a day or so if you don't want to tear out the stitches."

"I can make phone calls as soon as business hours start. It's already almost eight on the East Coast. As long as I don't do anything strenuous, I should be okay."

"Okay, look, I'll get all the records from my doctor as soon as his office opens. You take a nap and stay off your feet for a few hours, and we'll work on it together this afternoon. Deal?"

"Deal," Sean agreed. "Also, let's run all your labs again."

"What for?"

"I'd like to run all your labs again. I'll take the samples myself and personally deliver them to the lab and pick them up when they're finished."

"Dr. Moss is very thorough, Sean. I'm sure he knows what he's talking about."

"Good for him. I still want to run a new set of lab work. Indulge me."

"Whatever turns you on, partner." Christian wrapped gauze around Sean's wrist. "Let's see the other one." Christian put the ointment on that one and wrapped it. "You must have been trying like hell to get out of those restraints," Christian said, his voice rough. "The skin's broken on this one."

"I panicked," Sean admitted.

"Here, put this on. It'll protect your back," he said, handing Sean the t-shirt, which he pulled over his head, and Christian helped to carefully pull it down over Sean's back.

"We're going to beat this thing, Christian. I won't let you go." Sean pinned him with such an intense gaze that Christian actually felt that his cancer didn't stand a chance against such determination.

"Teddy doesn't have any delusions that she still works for us, does she?"

"Not with Liz back, unless she wants time off for the wedding."

"Don't fight me on this, Sean. I'm calling Teddy to make sure she's clear that she's not welcome back in our practice, for any reason."

"It's probably for the best. I don't want to see her after this, and it would be really awkward."

"I can't believe she set you up for something like this. No safe words, no limits - - what club was this?"

"It was called Dragons. I guess the inside joke is 'dungeons and dragons', so they call it Dragons so it's not as obvious that it's a dungeon. Or something like that. She was explaining it in on the way there, but I was kind of nervous so I didn't pay a lot of attention. I still thought it was a biker bar, with all the leather we were wearing."

"So after you got there, she sprang this on you like a surprise?"

"I could tell right away it was a different kind of leather, based on how everyone was dressed and what was going on. People having sex in dark corners, going off into the private area where the real fun and games go on. Once you got back there, you could hear whippings and people crying out. Some of them sounded orgasmic, others just sounded like they were in pain." Sean sighed. "She told me that physical pain was a way of releasing emotional and psychological pain. That's not a new concept."

"I remember when you cut your arm after Matt put that restraining order on you. If it didn't work for that, what made you think it would work for this?"

"How did you know about that?"

"We worked on a patient who cut herself to exorcise emotional pain. A couple days later, you show up with this nasty cut on your arm and some lame-ass excuse how you got it. I put two and two together. Since you didn't seem inclined to keep on doing it, there wasn't much point in my harassing you about it." Christian was going to put his arm around Sean, but he wasn't sure that would feel all that good, since there were a couple large welts on his upper back. He settled for patting his knee instead. "That whipping had to hurt enough to do the job. Why let her tear you up like that on the inside? Or didn't she ask first?"

"I don't want to talk about that right now, Christian. I can't."

"Okay. When you can, you'll tell me what happened?" Christian urged gently. He hadn't really given Sean a blow-by-blow of his attack, either, but there were times he wished he had before it was too far past to make sense bringing it up again.

"Yeah, I'll try," he agreed.

"Get some rest. You're still doped up, so take advantage of it before it wears off and everything starts hurting again."

"Thanks for that thought," Sean said, smiling faintly. He stood up and Christian turned back the bed so Sean could get in. Settling on his side, Sean caught Christian's wrist as he was about to leave the room. "Would you stay a few minutes?"

"Sure. Mind if I stretch out on the empty side?"

"No, that's fine. I shouldn't make you stay up."

"You're not going to. I'll just sleep in here instead." Christian stretched out on the bed, kicking off his shoes. "Go to sleep, Sean. We've got a lot of work ahead of us."

"We're going to find a way to beat this," Sean said.

"I believe you," Christian said, touching Sean's arm from where he lay behind him. Sean covered the hand with his.

"I love you, Christian. Always remember that, okay?"

"I know you do. I love you, too. No matter what happens." Christian scooted a little closer so Sean could feel the warmth of him but there was no pressure on his back.

"I don't want you to die," Sean said, his voice badly strained.

"I won't if I can help it," Christian responded, feeling in his heart that if his will to stay with Sean was all it took to beat the cancer, he had it made. Maybe it would be enough.

********

Liz unlocked the door and carried in a few groceries she picked up on the way home. Wilbur had slept over at a friend's house, and Liz had taken him to preschool before stopping to pick up a few provisions to stock Sean's and Christian's refrigerator. She wondered how the living arrangement would work after the wedding. She felt sure Sean would find another place, but no one had said anything about that yet. Not that Sean was much of a problem to them. His room was at the other end of the house, and he was very courteous about giving them space or respecting their privacy. He was a tidy, quiet housemate that it was tempting to keep on to combat the absurd price of housing in the exclusive area where they were living. It's not like they didn't all get along together. Matt didn't seem to have any prospects for making a decent living on his own, so she suspected they would be "raising" Matt along with Wilbur.

Smiling, she was looking forward to waking Christian up, and slipped quietly into the shadowy bedroom. She was surprised to see no one in the rumpled bed. Frowning, she checked the bathroom his bedroom shared with Wilbur's room, and found it empty.

"Christian?" she called into the quiet house. She walked down the hall toward Sean's room, where the door was standing ajar. Thinking Sean must be up, too, since his door was usually closed if he was either in bed or changing, she pushed the door open with a little tap. She wasn't sure what to make of what she saw. Sean was sleeping soundly, with Christian close behind him, almost spooned up to him, their hands clasped where Christian's hand was on Sean's arm. Neither man stirred or woke. Christian's face was so close to Sean's head on the pillow that she almost thought she could see a wisp of Sean's hair moving with Christian's breath.

She backed out of the room and pulled the door to the frame. She was Christian's fiancee, and yet she felt as if she'd intruded on something more intimate than sex. She hadn't felt the least bit guilty walking in on Christian banging some dim-witted slut, buck naked and thrusting, but somehow, she felt guilty for having walked in on Christian sleeping, fully dressed, behind Sean, who was also in his t-shirt and presumably his shorts and under the covers.

Sure there was some explanation, she tried to get her mind off it. Christian's prognosis was still news to all of them, and maybe Sean and Christian just had a bad night over it. Sean hadn't shown a lot of emotion about Christian's terminal status, and maybe it finally just caught up with him.

She tried to shake off the image of the two of them, lying there sharing such obvious closeness. They've been friends for years, even longer than they've known me. This can't be the first time in their lives one of them stayed over to comfort the other, or crawled into the same bed for a purely platonic reason. They were college roommates, lifetime friends, housemates now. There was precious little danger Christian was gay, she thought with a smile as she put the groceries away.

There was precious little danger of you being straight, Lizzie, my girl, her inner voice taunted. Now you're talking to wedding planners, fretting over squeezing into some frilly dress, wearing a giant rock on your finger, and planning to spend what's left of Christian's life being his wife and a mother to his child. Rock on, pro-choice, liberated lesbian! A few months ago, you would have been less surprised to find Sean in bed with Christian than to find yourself there...and now, there he is. Playing snugglebunny with your fiance.

Liz forced herself to laugh at the thought. If Sean were going to make a move on Christian, he'd have done it by now, and vice versa. Christian had made his choice and he'd flown across the country to propose, on one knee, with a ring that probably cost as much as his Lambourghini. Dismissing the whole thing as her own insecurity, she started a pot of coffee brewing and finished stocking the refrigerator. Feeling strangely like an outsider in her fiance's home, she filled her car mug with the fresh coffee, still leaving enough for Christian and Sean when they woke up. She left Christian a note, and headed for the office.

********

When Sean woke up, it didn't take him long to remember what happened. More so than the pain, he ached with self-loathing for the stupidity that got him into the situation that quickly escalated into a disaster that left him shaken and unable to take care of himself. He couldn't even really fully blame Teddy for this, and yet he was letting Christian loose on her to formally terminate her affiliation with McNamara/Troy. He could no more face her than he could really face Christian and tell him the truth. He brought it all on himself, and whatever injuries he'd suffered, he deserved.

Christian was gone, and the bed was empty now. There was a note on the night stand.

"Left some Vicodin. Don't be a hero - - take some if you're hurting. Take it easy and I'll be home for a late lunch, with my records."

Sean still felt hung over from the sedation Christian had given him the night before, but the pain did make the Vicodin tempting. Still, he was anxious to take a shower and wash the smell of smoke, alcohol, sweat, and sex off himself. He didn't know what was really there, and what was his imagination, but he felt dirty.

Christian's going to fight the cancer. He's not giving up. Maybe there's hope.

Sean forced himself to sit up, wincing at the discomfort. He picked up his cell phone off the night stand and turned it back on. He'd left it off all night, ever since he'd called Christian. Predictably it sprang to life with notices he had voicemail. They were all from Teddy.

"Where the hell did you go? Call me, Sean." Each subsequent message was similar, her frustration clearly escalating as she was unable to reach him.

He set the phone back on the night stand and stood, unable to stifle a little grunt of pain. He wondered why Christian had a change of heart, and how Liz would take the news. She'd probably be happy. After all, marrying a man who only had a year or less to live wasn't really the rosy future most new brides looked forward to.

What did you think you were going to do? Break up their engagement?

Sean walked into his bathroom and stared at himself in the mirror. He pulled the t-shirt over his head and tossed it on the floor, turning to look at his back in the mirror. The welts and red marks looked as painful as they felt. The whipping was the dominatrix's idea. The dildo wasn't.

"What else am I going to do with my pretty slave?" she'd asked in a sultry voice once she'd tired of using the leather whip on him. "Maybe I should use one of my toys on his pretty ass."

His back felt like it was on fire, his arms were tired from their uncomfortable stretched position, and it hadn't given him any great emotional catharsis. All it did was hurt, and part of him realized there was something he wanted to accomplish by suffering through this painful and humiliating experience. Something he could only accomplish in a setting like this. He needed to know if he could deal with having something up his ass. Something very specific. A ten-inch something.

"My partner's got a ten inch dick," he said, but he didn't go on to tell her it had never been inside him. That his partner was dying, and that before he lost him forever, he wanted one chance for them to make love...one chance before he stood by Christian's side as his best man and watched Liz marry him and move into what had been their home and share his last months. He didn't delude himself that it would change anything, but at least he'd always have that memory of Christian and the one time they shared a moment of physical intimacy that might somehow try to equate to the emotional intimacy they'd always had. Christian was certainly sexually liberal enough to try it - - especially if he could still stick his dick into something slick, tight, and hot.

Now he'd ended up a pathetic mess with a torn up asshole Christian had to patch up for him.

When he'd felt that thing pushed up inside him, it was agony. It felt like a white hot poker violating him, and he'd cried out in pain more than once, but it didn't stop. At first, he was trying to ride it out, knowing that it would take time for him to stretch to accommodate it. But it just kept hurting more and more, and the more afraid of the pain he got, the more he resisted the invasion of his body, the more it hurt, and the more the woman in control of the situation seemed to get off on shoving it inside him. Whether it was his pain that turned her on, or she thought he was just getting into the whole act and didn't understand that he was in real pain, he didn't know, but it didn't seem to surprise or bother her that he was bleeding by the time she undid his restraints and said, "You can get dressed now, honey," and left the room. "Come see me anytime you need a stand-in for your partner."

Leaving him standing there, unsteady on his feet, in pain, feeling the hot wetness of his own blood on the inside of his thigh, and the hot wetness of tears in his eyes and on his face. Could anyone possibly be turned on by being used that way? Or had he just run into a true sadist and given her an unexpected opportunity to enjoy her handiwork?

Or did he just get what he asked for? How could he even look Christian in the eyes after what he'd done? What had been done to him? Christian had suffered a real rape, real molestation when he was young; he'd been brutalized against his will.

I have no right to any sympathy for whatever I suffered. I'm a stupid, self-destructive pussy who brought it on myself.

Sean braced himself on the bathroom counter and let the tears come, wracking sobs that were born of his fear of losing Christian, his anguish over losing the chance for one moment of complete physical intimacy with the one person who had always been his true life partner, the pain and humiliation he'd caused himself through his own stupidity...

A gentle touch on his shoulder startled him, but he didn't resist it. He knew right away who it was.

"It's okay, Sean. I'm right here," Christian said softly, carefully holding Sean with his arms high across the back of Sean's shoulders and low on his waist to avoid putting pressure on the damaged area of his back. Sean clung to him, partially because of the pain and trauma of what he'd been through, and partially because his fear of losing Christian forever was so intense at that moment that he wanted to physically hold him on Earth and refuse to let death have him. "Let me get you a Vicodin. Don't fight taking care of yourself for a day or two. There'll still be clinical trials and experimental drugs forty-eight hours from now. I won't back out on you, if that's why you're worried."

"It's my own fault," Sean said, pulling back from Christian. He felt guilty for even accepting the comfort. "I don't deserve your sympathy or your respect anymore."

"Shit, Sean, you know better than that. This wasn't your fault, and you'll always have my respect." Christian laid his hand on the side of Sean's face, brushing away a few tears with his thumb.

"I let her do this to me. I'm not a victim. I don't have any right to your help or your sympathy when you suffered a real violation."

"I suffered a different one. Doesn't make yours less real. I know you didn't really ask to be hurt this way. Taking a shower might make you feel better. Just don't turn the spray on too strong because the water pounding on your back won't feel too good."

"I thought you were gone until lunch," Sean asked, wiping at his eyes.

"I picked up my files, and I got to thinking that maybe you wouldn't want to be alone all morning," he said. "Sean, look, it doesn't matter that the circumstances are different, or that you've found some way to blame yourself because some crazy bitch irresponsibly tore you up when she should have known goddamned well she was seriously hurting you. You were violated and that's traumatic. It's not your fault no matter how you twist it around to say that it is. I remember someone telling me it wasn't my fault once."

"You were a child, Christian. And when Quentin attacked you, he drugged you."

"And you were tied to the wall. How did you have any choices?"

"I went there of my own free will."

"Oh, come off it, Sean. You thought you were going to a biker bar, then you thought you were just going to play around with a little whips and chains action. There's a big difference between that and what you went through." Christian moved away and reached into the shower stall to start the water. "The shower'll relax you," he said.

"I don't want to relax. I want to run your lab work again and start working on matching you up to a clinical trial."

"It's not even lunchtime yet. Clean up, take another Vicodin and get some rest. I'm not going anywhere, Sean. You can run as much lab work and read my files and ask me anything you want, later. I'm not talking as your friend now. I'm talking as your doctor. Take it easy for a few hours."

"I feel like I need to do something, not just sit and dwell on this."

"I'll be here with you. I went to the office and cleared our schedule for today."

"Okay, thanks." Sean finally gave in, having to admit if only to himself that he was tired, and in pain, and another painkiller and a nap did sound good.

"I'll do your back again when you're done in the shower."

"You don't have to do that. I'll be okay."

"I want to help."

Sean didn't argue with him. He stepped into the shower and let the water run over him, scrubbing his body with soap, the rational part of his mind realizing that he was suffering the classic sensation of trying to scrub imaginary dirt off himself. The water burned a few of the worst welts on his back. He looked at the raw skin on his wrists, and shuddered at the memory of how he'd panicked and tried to free himself from the leather cuffs that held him in place. He was shaking all over, remembering every painful, humiliating moment he'd been through. His shoulders and arms ached, and the warm water did feel good on those tense muscles.

He shampooed his hair and rinsed it, then turned off the water. He was surprised when Christian appeared to help him dry his back.

"There was almost no blood in your underwear, so you're on the mend," Christian said, trying to keep his voice casual and upbeat. "Sorry," he said, when Sean flinched under the pressure of the towel on his marred skin.

"It's okay. It hurts a lot less than if I tried to do it myself."

"You finish up in here. I put some clean stuff on the counter for you. Do you want anything to eat?"

"No, I'm good. Thanks," Sean said, managing a little smile. Christian left him to finish drying off and put on the clean boxers and pajama pants he'd left on the counter for him. Somehow, Christian knew he felt cold and the pants would keep his legs warmer.

When he entered the bedroom, Christian handed him a Vicodin and a glass of water. After he took the pill, Sean sat on the bed and tried to keep still, even though he felt himself trembling. Christian gently applied the ointment to the welts again, and helped him carefully pull a t-shirt into place. He got into bed, and Christian covered him.

"I can stay a while if you want," Christian offered.

"I'd like that."

Christian sat on the side of the bed, and Sean was surprised when Christian took one of his hands in both of his. "It's normal to feel shaky. Just hang onto me."

"Thanks." Christian's hands did feel warm and strong and good around his own, and he held onto him like a lifeline. "How did you do this alone?" Sean asked, fighting the effects of the medication. As much as he was embarrassed by what he'd been through, and didn't really want to share it with anyone, he'd needed Christian's caring and support, not to mention his medical attention. He hated thinking of Christian feeling like he was feeling now, and being alone with it.

"You have to remember, Sean, that Quentin wasn't the first," Christian said, and it sounded like it was hard to say, judging by the sound of his voice. "It's not that it gets easier to be...violated. Maybe it's just familiar, and it's something you get used to hiding from the rest of the world." He squeezed Sean's hand. "I'm glad you called me."

"Me, too," Sean said, wishing he could think of the right thing to say to Christian, or even to stay awake long enough to say it, but he finally gave in to the sleepiness and let it claim him.

********

The doorbell rang, and Christian hurried to answer it before it rang again. Teddy stood on the other side of it, looking more than a little perplexed. She strode through the door without waiting for an invitation.

"Is Sean here? I've been calling him all day," she complained.

"He's not feeling well. He's asleep, so keep your voice down."

"I was worried. He left our date last night and I couldn't find him." She started toward Sean's room, but Christian caught her by the arm. "What do you think you're doing?" she asked, pulling her arm away.

"I said he was asleep. He's under doctor's orders to get some rest this morning."

"You being his doctor, I suppose?"

"What the hell were you thinking?"

"I need to talk to Sean." She started toward the room again, and again, Christian grabbed her arm and this time, his pull was stronger.

"No, you don't. You finally pushed this a little too far."

"I don't know what Sean told you," she said, yanking her arm away, "but anything that happened was consensual. He knew what we were doing. What exactly did he say happened?"

"Let's just say that he needed medical attention because of your little game last night."

"Did he tell you we went to an S&M club?"

"He told me."

"He was with an experienced dominatrix, and she knew it was his first time there. Whatever you might think about the S&M scene, Dragons is a reputable club in the community, and I've been there several times. If he got hurt, he asked her to do something other than what she would have done on her own."

"So it's his fault. Nobody would ask to go through what he went through, Teddy. You might not be the one in the five-inch stilettos and face mask, but there's no question who the real dominatrix is here. You never wanted Sean for who he was. Only for how much you could change him. It's all a game to you, to see how far he'll go to please you."

"Sean is a lot more adventurous than you give him credit for. He just needs to open himself up to life, experience it fully. All I've done is give him some opportunities he wouldn't have had on his own."

"If he wants to call you, that's his business. But as far as I'm concerned, you're not welcome here." He opened the door and waited for her to leave. "If you have any belongings left at the practice, pick them up today, and don't plan on coming back."

"Sean hired me."

"And I'm firing you. We're partners, and if you think he's going to override me for your sake, guess again."

"You know, I think that's what this is all about. You aren't upset about how I treat Sean, or even that he got hurt. Someone's on your turf, and you don't like it."

"That's bullshit. I'm getting married in a few weeks."

"Good luck with that. I hope the three of you are very happy together." With that, she left, and Christian shut the door behind her, resisting the temptation to slam it, since he didn't want to disturb Sean. His partner was sleeping deeply now that he'd finally gone to sleep, and the rest would do him good, both for healing and for clearing the sedatives out of his system.

It occurred to Christian as he poured himself a cup of coffee that Teddy had never asked how Sean was, or if he was badly hurt. That thought raised his anger to a new level, but there wasn't much he could do about it. Sean would never want to go through the humiliation of pressing charges or suing the club for his injuries, and it was equally unlikely he'd want to confide all of it to Teddy.

Before he could sit down with the morning paper, the doorbell rang again. Frowning, he set his coffee on the table and answered it, finding an attractive middle-aged blonde woman on the other side of it, dressed in a fashionable business suit and heels.

"I'm Linda Simmons from Transitions Realty. You must be Dr. Troy," she said, holding out her hand. He shook it, still puzzled.

"We're not selling the house," he said.

"Oh, no, of course not," she said, smiling. "I'm so sorry - - I should have explained myself right away. I'm here to pick up Dr. McNamara to show him some properties. He mentioned his partner was getting married and he'd be moving soon. Congratulations, by the way."

"Thank you. Actually, Dr. McNamara isn't feeling well, so you'll have to reschedule your appointment with him."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I hope it isn't serious?"

"He'll be fine. He's just not up and about today," Christian said.

"Well, I'm sure he has my card, but give him this anyway so he has it handy. Tell him to get well soon and just give me a call to reschedule when he feels up to it."

Christian glanced at the business card she'd handed him, then smiled at her. "Thank you. I'll give him the message."

"This is a lovely home you have here, Dr. Troy, and the location is prime. If you ever decide to sell, I hope you'll keep me in mind. I'll get you top dollar for it."

"I'm sure if Sean trusts you with his real estate needs, I could as well. I'll ask him to call you when he's feeling better."

"Thank you very much. Have a good day, now," she said, turning and heading back to her car.

Christian closed the door, still looking at the card in his hand. Sean hadn't mentioned moving out, but now that Christian thought about it, it was a logical assumption on Sean's part that he wouldn't be welcome once Christian and Liz were married. Or more accurately, that it wouldn't be appropriate for him to assume he was staying on as some kind of third wheel on a married couple. Christian should have expected marrying Liz would break up the little family unit he'd built with Sean, Wilbur, Matt, and himself. His new family would be with Liz and Wilbur now. Sean would be his best friend and partner, but not his housemate. He wasn't sure what Matt's plans were, but he suspected Matt was keeping quiet and hoping he was still a welcome resident, or that Sean had assured him he could go with him to his new place.

He wasn't sure why the thought of Sean moving out came as such a surprise, or caused him such sadness. After all, being married and having a 'real family' was what he'd always wanted. Now he'd have that - - a wife and a son and a home of their own.

Taking a drink of his coffee, Christian went out on the patio and stretched out on the double lounge chair. He couldn't count the number of times he and Sean had sat there together, passing pieces of the newspaper back and forth, or just sharing a nightcap and talking about their day, or having Wilbur jump in the middle of it between them and show them a favorite book he wanted read to him. There was a whole patio full of furniture, but the only place Christian wanted to be was on his half of the double lounger with Sean. Right now, that half looked empty, and somehow he didn't want to see Liz there, as much as he cared for her. That was Sean's spot. He was beginning to wonder if Sean's spot didn't encompass all the important room in his life. Faith Wolper was nuts, but maybe she wasn't wrong.

Tossing the newspaper aside, disinterested in it now, he closed his eyes. He'd sat out here sometimes during the chemo, when he felt too lousy to do anything else. The fresh air and sunshine helped a little. Now, he felt good. He felt strong. That goddamned diagnosis had come out of nowhere and hit him like a ton of bricks. It wasn't fair. He'd done the chemo, had the surgery, his scar was nearly invisible now, and he was ready to get on with his life.

Wasn't that what marrying Liz was all about? Getting on with life? Getting married, playing house with a wife and child until he ran out of time? Sean was doing his part, looking for another place, preparing to get out of the way so Christian could live out his final months with Liz and Wilbur.

"Shit," Christian muttered, suddenly feeling like he'd caught on to a very major revelation way too late in the game.

********

The next time Sean woke, he felt much better. The pain was still there, but it was a bit duller, and even the rawness on his back didn't seem as bad as it had earlier. His arms and shoulders still ached, but that would work itself out in time. It was almost five o'clock, and while he didn't have much appetite, his stomach felt empty and he felt light-headed. He didn't each much when he was at dinner with Teddy, so it had been a good twenty-four hours since he'd eaten anything substantial.

He went into the bathroom and relieved himself, then shaved, since he hadn't done that earlier. He dressed in a comfortable pair of khakis and an old blue shirt he threw on over his t-shirt. He put on a pair of clean socks and didn't bother with shoes, since he had no plans to leave the house anyway. If he moved quickly, he could make himself something and then go back to his room so Christian and Liz could have some time together over dinner.

As he walked toward the kitchen, he heard a familiar voice.

"Uncle Sean!" Wilbur ran up to him, waving a piece of paper sporting a wide array of colors. Not caring if it put some strain on protesting muscles, Sean picked the little boy up and hugged him, realizing once Wilbur's full weight was in his arms that he was playing Russian roulette with his stitches. He found he didn't care - - Wilbur's enthusiasm at seeing him was good medicine, both for what ailed him now and for the emptiness he often felt without his own children near him.

"What's this?" he asked as Wilbur handed him the picture. It was a badly deformed happy face with a childish attempt at 'Get Well Soon' scrawled on the bottom. At least, that was Sean's best guess, anyway, based on his experience decrypting small child hieroglyphics. "Wow, what a great get well card. I feel better already."

"Auntie Liz said you weren't feeling good, so we made you a picture."

"That was nice of you guys to do that. Come on, let's pick a spot in my room where we can put it up, and then I'll see it when I get up in the morning and it'll keep me cheered up."

"Okay," Wilbur replied happily as Sean put him back on his feet, and he headed for Sean's room. He put the picture against the lamp on Sean's night stand. "There."

"Looks like a great spot. Is your Auntie Liz still here?"

"She's in my room."

"Okay, kiddo, I need to talk to her for a few minutes. Where's Lipo?"

"He's on the patio." With that, Wilbur headed for the patio, apparently taking the question as permission to go outside and play. Sean went down the hall to find Liz, who was just coming out of Wilbur's room.

"It's amazing the mess that's generated with one get well picture," she said, smiling. "How are you feeling, Sean?"

"Better, thanks. You talked with Christian obviously?"

"No, I haven't seen him today. He left a note at the office that you weren't feeling well and wouldn't be in, and that he had some business to take care of. It was all pretty cryptic, actually."

"He's not here?" Sean asked , surprised.

"I picked Wilbur up at school and came home, and there was no sign of him. Your door was still closed so I figured you were resting. Now I'm getting worried. You haven't seen him either?"

"I saw him just before noon. He came home to check on me. I've been asleep ever since."

"You look a little pale, but no too bad. Are you running a fever or anything?"

"No, I think I just...got into something bad last night," he said, which was actually truer than Liz realized, though it had nothing to do with food. "I thought I'd fix myself something before you guys got home so you could have dinner together."

"We don't have any special plans, Sean. You don't have to eat in your room. Just another family dinner where we try to train Lipo not to beg and Christian feeds him anyway."

"If you're sure. I can give you a hand if you're going to fix something."

"Why don't you take it easy and let me handle dinner?"

"Maybe I'll take you up on it. I'll be out on the patio if you change your mind." Sean wasn't feeling all that ready to take on the world just yet, so he was grateful not to have to prepare food for dinner.

"Be careful, that's a kid and dog zone right now."

"I've had quite a few hours of peace and solitude. The distraction'll do me good," he said, heading out to the patio. It wasn't long before he realized that the lounge chair that required him to lean on his back wasn't a good choice. He opted for a chair at the outdoor table, with its thick cushion, and started absentmindedly reading through a few headline stories in the paper, enjoying the comforting sound of Wilbur playing with his dog. It wasn't until then that he remembered his appointment with the realtor at 1:30 that afternoon.

"Christian left you a note in the kitchen," Liz said, coming out on the patio and handing it to him. "There's no hurry about you moving out, you know that, right?" The note was about the realtor's visit, with the card she'd left behind.

"I appreciate that, Liz, but you and Christian should have your household, with Wilbur. You guys are going to be newlyweds after all. I'm going to talk to Matt about moving in with me."

"With a child - - that's a different kind of newlywed. But I am kind of looking forward to being here as Mrs. Troy," she admitted, smiling. "I know you're going to be getting your own place. I just want to be sure you have time to find one you like. All this with Christian and me was kind of sudden, so I didn't want it to put you in a difficult position."

"Thanks. This was just a first appointment to get an overview of what's out there, so I have a better feeling for what I really want. A good sized condo is probably enough. Julia's taken the kids back to New York, so a house is kind of pointless for me to rattle around in. As long as there's room for Matt if he wants to be there, and I have a couple extra bedrooms for when Annie and Conor are here, I'm good."

"It must be hard, being away from them so much."

"I feel like I'm missing their childhood completely. I know I've never exactly been 'Mr. Mom,' but I was looking forward to being part of all of it with Conor this time around, and I was always close to Annie. This distance seems...weird. I'm guilty of borrowing Wilbur a little bit."

"I don't think he minds," she said. "When I said you were sick, the first thing he wanted to do was get you a popsicle, like he had the last time he had a sore throat. When I said I thought that wasn't a good idea since you were resting, he started in on the card project. Don't be surprised if you get a popsicle later."

"I'll look forward to it," Sean replied, chuckling.

"He'll miss you after you move."

"The feeling's mutual. He's a fantastic kid. I'm really glad he came back into Christian's life. I know how much losing Wilbur hurt him."

"Doesn't seem fair, now that he finally has Wilbur back, that he won't..." Liz put her hand over her mouth briefly. "I'm okay," she said before Sean could stand up to comfort her. "I can't let myself think about it too much, or react to it. I hope you'll stay a big part of Wilbur's life after..."

"Of course, I will. I love Wilbur like one of my own kids. And we can't give up hope. It's not over yet, Liz."

"He's not taking any treatment, Sean. You and I both know that it's only a matter of time until his body can't fight it anymore."

"Talk to Christian."

"About what?"

"Just, talk to him. I can't say anymore. It's up to Christian to talk with you, and I know he will."

"Sean, don't be so goddamned cagey. What are you talking about?"

"It's not my place. I shouldn't have said anything - - I just didn't want to see you feeling so hopeless. Just don't give up on him yet."

"Did something change with his oncologist?"

"No, nothing like that. Just talk to him tonight. He'll explain everything."

"You got him to agree to treatment, didn't you? That's what last night was about, when he was sleeping with you?"

"What?" Sean was stunned. He didn't think Liz knew anything about that. And you could hardly call Christian lying down with him for a couple hours, "sleeping with" him.

"When I came over this morning to drop off the groceries, Christian wasn't in his bedroom, but your door was ajar, kind of how you leave it when you're not here. So I tapped on it and opened it, in case Christian was in there - - and he was sleeping in your bed, with you."

"I had a bad night and Christian took care of me. He was tired and I didn't want to be alone, so he stretched out there. Nothing happened, Liz."

"I didn't think it did, really, I just figured something was going on that made you...turn to each other that way."

"We didn't have sex, Liz. He slept on top of the covers to keep me company," Sean said in a hushed voice, though Wilbur had long since taken the dog with him and retreated to his room to play, away from the boring adult conversation.

"I didn't imply you had sex. I didn't think that."

"But you were obviously uneasy with what you saw. I just want you to know that nothing happened."

"Okay. I trust you, Sean. I didn't think you were trying to steal my fiance," she said, trying for humor, but it fell a bit flat. It was obvious that Liz was uncomfortable with what she's stumbled in on, no matter how sexless it was.

"What's going on?" Christian's voice startled them from behind. "What is this about?" he asked, a confused smile on his face.

"Liz saw us in bed together this morning, and I wanted to be sure she understood you were just being there for me because I had a bad night."

"Why would you think anything else of it?" he asked Liz, who looked distinctly uneasy.

"I didn't. Sean was just being a gentleman and reassuring me."

"I'm not going to explain and justify my relationship with Sean to you or anyone else. I never have, and I never will."

"Christian, there's no problem here, so we don't need to argue about it," Sean said, trying to derail the argument he saw escalating. "I won't even be living here that much longer, and things will be a lot easier for you guys when you can concentrate on your own relationship in your own home."

"You're welcome here as long as you want to be here, Sean," Christian said.

"Liz just said that to me, that I didn't need to rush it. This is why a third person stuck in the middle of a couple isn't a good idea. I don't want you two arguing about me."

"Christian, I need to know. Are you going to pursue treatment of some kind? Sean won't tell me, and I need to know."

"I told Sean to go ahead and go over my records and try to match me up with something experimental, cutting edge - - I don't want to bother with the usual course of bone-eating chemo that'll just make me an invalid the last few months of my life."

"You didn't think this was something we should talk about together?"

"It would have been tonight."

"It's my fault, Christian. Liz was feeling bad about your illness and I couldn't help trying to reassure her a little, but I didn't want to tell her anything until you'd had a chance, so I ended up kind of sticking my foot in my mouth." Sean stood. "I think I'll go out for a while."

"You sure you feel up to that?" Christian asked, touching Sean's shoulder.

"Just around the corner to that chicken place. You want me to bring back take out?"

"No, thanks, we're good," Christian said.

"I can take Wilbur. He likes their kids meals."

"That might be a good idea. Liz and I need to talk." Christian's tone was troubling. "Don't pick him up, Sean," he warned.

"Too late," Sean said, smiling a little. "I won't do it again," he added. Sean collected Wilbur, stuck some old shoes on his feet, and headed out for the restaurant.

********

"We need to talk, Lizzie," Christian said, his tone considerably softer than it was when they were arguing.

"Why did you tell Sean not to pick up Wilbur? I thought he just ate some bad food."

"In case it's the flu," Christian said, knowing it sounded lame. "He's probably fine but you know how easily kids catch things." Liz seemed to accept that, but probably only because she had something bigger on her mind.

"I'm so glad you're thinking about starting treatment. You're healthy and strong, Christian. You're a prime candidate to beat this thing if you're willing to fight it. To fight for us, and our future."

"Let's sit down," he said, steering her into the living room. They sat on a couch. "I need to call off the wedding."

"I thought you wanted to get married right away, in case... I went through chemo with you, Christian. I'll go through whatever type of treatment you and Sean find - - "

"I know you would. Next to Sean, you're the best friend I ever had. You don't deserve this."

"If you mean the cancer, you don't deserve it either, but I love you, Christian, and we'll make it through this somehow. I want to take that journey with you."

"I know, and I love you for that. But I just don't love you the way I should love you for us to get married. I've been trying to outrun death, to cheat it somehow by managing to cram a lifetime into a few months. I thought getting married was the way to do that, but it's not. I have a home and a family, and I came to the realization that I've been ignoring that because it's not a traditional family. I've been driving around all day trying to figure out what to do, what was the right thing to do. I can't marry you, Liz."

"What? Why not? What changed between last night and this morning? What really happened between you and Sean?"

"I realized that I couldn't bear the thought of leaving him this way - - dying and leaving him alone. And then I realized that I didn't want him to move out, that Sean and Wilbur already are my family. And you are, too, Lizzie, but like my sister, my good friend. You deserve to marry someone - - a man or a woman - - who feels passionately about you. Who wants you, who's excited to marry you and start a life together. Not someone who's using you to take a shot at marriage before the grim reaper shows up."

"Why did you fly all the way to Miami to drag me back here just so you could dump me again?" she asked, her eyes filling. "I was moving on with my life, you asshole," she said, her voice broken.

"I know, and I feel awful about that. I really do. I was wrong to do it, and I hope you'll forgive me."

"Fine." She pulled off the engagement ring and set it on the coffee table. "Maybe you can give this to Sean instead." She stood up an stormed toward the door.

"You can keep the ring, Lizzie. Look, I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you," he protested, following her to the door.

"Well, guess what?" she retorted angrily.

"I know you're angry and I don't blame you. I just hoped we could overcome this. That our friendship would survive it."

"When I saw you with Sean this morning, I realized that you two share an intimacy that I've never had with you. Not when you were puking your guts out, not when we had sex, not even when you proposed to me. I want to feel that with someone, and I thought it was with you."

"If you're jealous of what I have with Sean then it's probably best we're breaking it off now."

"I don't know if you've had sex with Sean, but you've certainly made love to him a lot more often than you have to me," she shouted, tears spilling from her eyes.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It means that you could screw me a hundred times in the dark and never look at me across the breakfast table the way you look at him every single time he's in the room! I was a fool to ever think I could come between that." With that, she stormed out the door, slamming it behind her.

You've certainly made love to him a lot more often than you have to me.

If making love was about holding someone close and realizing they were your everything, all the while keeping your dick in your pants, then maybe Liz was right. Christian picked up the ring and took it into his bedroom, sticking it in his top dresser drawer for now. He felt like a world class asshole, knowing that breaking it off with Liz was a hurtful, selfish thing to do. At the same time, marrying her would have been worse for everyone involved.

He sighed when he thought of the custody agreement he'd drawn up, making her Wilbur's guardian in the event of his death. She'd be a good mother to Wilbur, and she wouldn't curse him with any residual bitterness she felt toward Christian. She'd always dreamed of a child, and maybe she and Wilbur would be a good fit. After all, if Sean were left alone, Wilbur would be raised by a nanny because his schedule would demand it. Even if Christian left him insurance and assets that would support them for life, Sean was too driven to sit at home and fingerpaint with a child. He'd throw himself into his work if Christian did die. Maybe in Los Angeles, maybe somewhere else. Maybe in New York, near his own children. But it would be hard for him to take on responsibility for Wilbur. And unless he had real doubts about her fitness as a mother, he couldn't hurt Liz that way, by trying to change the custody arrangement. At least, not now.

It wasn't much longer before he heard the front door, and Sean's and Wilbur's voices as they came in from dinner. Christian walked out to the living room and laughed when he saw Wilbur struggling to carry a full bag of take out.

"We brought you a doggy bag, Daddy," he said, holding it up proudly.

"You did, huh?" He picked Wilbur up and opened the top of the bag with his free hand. "Smells good."

"Uncle Sean and I went for ice cream," he said.

"Really? I thought Uncle Sean was opposed to trans fats." Sean held up the cup with his own frozen treat in it that said 'Yogurt Express' on it. Apparently he'd discovered the word 'yogurt' was a fatal label to apply to the treat with Wilbur. If it was called ice cream, it was ice cream.

"I got a large. There's half of it left if you want it," Sean said, setting it on the table as Christian put Wilbur down and opened his bag of food.

"What flavor is it? You didn't get nuts in it again, did you?"

"It's chocolate, no nuts. I had her put the strawberries on the bottom, just the way you like it."

"You're sure you don't want the rest of it?"

"I'm full. Go for it. Where's Liz?" Sean asked quietly as Wilbur started playing with the dog as soon as it came out to greet him.

"I broke it off with her. She left."

"What? Why?"

"We'll talk about it later," he said, inclining his head toward Wilbur. "I guess you won't be needing that realtor after all," he added.

"Are you sure about this?"

"Yeah, I'm sure about it." He unpacked the take out meal and opened the lid, happy to see the four-piece chicken dinner inside. "How'd you know to bring this?"

"I had a feeling the way things were going that you were going to be eating alone," Sean said, just as Wilbur decided to climb up on his lap while he sat at the table with Christian. The extra weight made him wince a little, and Christian noticed it.

"Is he okay there?" Christian asked quietly, and Sean nodded. Lipo sat near the group, wagging his tail, watching Christian eat his chicken.

"You need to start training that dog not to beg at the table," Sean said as Christian fed it a bite of chicken.

"If all you ate was kibble and someone had chicken, wouldn't you beg?"

"You have a point there," Sean replied, smiling.

"Where's Auntie Liz?" Wilbur asked.

"She had to go home, but you'll be seeing her again soon," Christian replied, not sure how that would be facilitated given Liz's present state of mind where he was concerned. "This is really good. Thanks for bringing it," Christian said, looking at Sean. He wondered if he was looking at him the way Liz said he looked at him. He wanted Sean to see the love in his eyes. Maybe it would keep him from ever leaving their home.

"You're welcome." Sean gave him an answering look that reflected exactly what Christian was feeling. The implications of all of it were a little scary, but so was dying without finding what you were looking for. At the risk of sounding like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, tapping the heels of his ruby slippers together, Christian had the unsettling feeling he'd been on a lifelong quest for something that was in his own backyard all along.

********

"Wilbur down for the count?" Sean asked. He was lying on the couch, a couple pillows under his head. The position was easier on any of the painful areas of his body than sitting all evening.

"Yeah, out like a light. He had fun going out to dinner with you tonight. He said he was glad Uncle Sean was feeling better."

"The waitress got him a balloon, made a big fuss over him. He's a great kid. Thanks for letting me borrow him once in a while." Sean paused. "Do you want to talk about what happened with Liz?"

"I spent all day driving around, trying to figure out the right thing to do. I'm not sure what that is, but I'm sure now what it isn't. It's not that I don't love her or don't appreciate the way she's stuck by me, and all she's willing to do for me, and for Wilbur. I just don't love her the way I should to marry her. I finally asked myself if I find out I'm going to live, who do I want to be with? It wasn't Liz. Not that way. I hope she can forgive me someday. I'd miss not having her in my life."

"I think she will, Christian. She loved you enough to agree to marry you, even though she's a lesbian, so I think she'll love you enough to forgive you eventually. Give her some time."

"Of all the asshole things I've done, this has got to rank right up there."

"You were scared, Christian. Facing your own mortality isn't easy, and I haven't exactly been there for you lately."

"You're always there, Sean. I should have just been more aggressive about cutting in on your time with Teddy."

"We know how well that ended," Sean said. "I've gotten a new batch of angry voicemails from her. I know I should call and end it. I don't want to talk to her about last night."

"She knows a little bit about it, but no details. She was here while you were sleeping earlier."

"What did you tell her?"

"That you had injuries that required treatment, but that was all I said. She barely asked if you were all right, she was so busy defending the bitch who did it to you. I told her to get any of her stuff she might have left at the office and not to plan on coming back. I really hope you're done with her, Sean."

"I am. I learned my lesson."

"I'm not sad to see you break up with Teddy, but I'm sorry to see you get hurt."

"I brought it on myself. Who am I kidding? I am an uptight prude, and I always will be."

"That's bullshit. You just need to be with someone who loves you for who you are, not for who they can make you into."

"That'd be nice," Sean said, more to himself than to Christian. He was tired, more tired than usual, but he figured the medication was probably still working its way out of his system. The pain was worse without the Vicodin, but he preferred the clarity of not taking it now that he was getting more accustomed to the discomfort.

"Hey," Matt said as he came in the front door, locking it behind him. "You okay, Dad? You don't look so hot," he said, pausing in the living room.

"I just got into something bad last night," Sean said, figuring it was as good an explanation as any.

"I had classes earlier, but I was just running errands and shit. You could've called me if you needed something."

"Thanks, Matt," Sean said, smiling at his son. "Christian's been keeping an eye on me."

"Okay. I'm gonna turn in. Uh, Dad, I'm registering for summer classes tomorrow. Is it okay if I sign up for drama classes instead of biology and chemistry that I'm going to flunk out of?"

"Drama classes?" Christian repeated. "Congratulations, Matty, you found the one course at community college that won't lead to any useful vocation."

"I told you Matt was interested in acting," Sean said. "I'll make a deal with you," Sean said, and Matt looked unhappy already, but listened. "Re-take the biology class you failed and you can sign up for whatever else you want. My wallet's on the dresser in my room. Just take my Visa and register for what you need and get your books."

"Okay. Thanks, Dad." Matt went into Sean's room and emerged a few seconds later with the credit card in his hand, heading for his own room. "Are you feeling better tonight?" he stopped by the back of the couch.

"Yeah, just tired. Everything's okay."

"Okay. Well, goodnight, you guys. See you tomorrow." After they heard Matt's door close, Christian looked at Sean, nonplused.

"You're spoiling him, Sean. It's time to kick the little bird's ass out of the nest."

"He's not on meth, he's not in a cult religion, and he's not married to a porn star. We're farther ahead than we were before. Besides, if I kick him out, he'll never get his life together, and Kimber and Ram will be raising our granddaughter permanently. I'm not comfortable with that, and the only way to fight Kimber is to put Matt together."

"Good luck with that. I don't like Jenna's situation either, but if you want her out of there, you'll have to sue for custody yourself, because Matt's not a winning candidate in the eyes of a judge."

"Maybe we should try for custody together."

"I may not be here that much longer, Sean. A grandfather with terminal cancer isn't much better than a father with no job and a former meth addiction. I might not be here for the custody hearings."

"Don't say that, Christian."

"Why not? It's true. I think you set Kimber straight on the collagen issue, and Jenna's little yet. She's not being abused or neglected. She's too young to know what kind of kinky shit is going on with Kimber and Ram. Let's just concentrate on getting through the next few months, and we'll talk more about Jenna. Maybe in the meantime we can get more visitations in our own right - - we can actually use my condition for that."

"It would give us a chance to be sure Kimber's not shooting her up with anything."

"We'll talk more about it tomorrow. If you want, I can do your back again before you turn in."

"I think it'll be okay."

"It'll feel better if I put the ointment on it. How's the pain?"

"How many times since you've known me have you seen me lie down on the couch all evening?"

"Point taken. Are you bleeding at all?"

"I'm a doctor, too, remember? I can look after myself."

"Right now, I'm your doctor. You can't take care of your own back, and you had repair work done last night."

"I'm sorry. It's just...hard." Sean sighed. "I'm not bleeding. The pain's just...bad."

"You had a couple large tears I sutured," Christian explained. "You were so bruised and swollen," Christian said, his eyes filling. "Having the repair work done probably made it hurt worse," he added, wiping at his eyes.

"You couldn't help that, Christian. You took good care of me." Sean sat up on the couch, stifling a little grunt. "Anything you did, you did to repair the damage that was already done." He reached out and squeezed Christian's hand. "Does the offer still stand to give me a hand with my back? The ointment helps. It doesn't burn as much."

"Sure," Christian said, smiling and returning the pressure on Sean's hand. Let's take care of it and then we should probably turn in. My doctor wants to run a bunch of lab work on me in the morning," he said, and Sean smiled.

They went into Sean's bedroom, and Sean took off his shirt and t-shirt, tossing them on a chair. The marks still looked angry, but not as bad as they had at first. He toed off his shoes and took off his pants, laying them on the same chair. Sean sat carefully on the edge of the bed, averting his eyes when Christian sat next to him. "You don't have anything to be ashamed of, Sean. You were assaulted. This went way beyond a game that should have been played with a beginner. The whipping alone was no light bondage play."

"When she couldn't break me with a light whipping, she got more forceful. I should have thought of that. I was in tears before she finished. I was trying to stay strong, and I guess since her point was to bring my emotions to the surface, I should have just let it go before that, let her see me cry."

"I'm so sorry, Sean." Christian put his arm carefully around Sean's shoulders. "I'll do your back," he said, when it was obvious that Sean wasn't going to say anything else, and wasn't going to have eye contact with him.

Christian knew that kind of shame only too well. He just wished he could say something to Sean to make it better, the way Sean had comforted him that day all those years ago in the back of the church, when he'd finally confided to someone for the first time in his life what kind of depravity he'd lived through as a child. Sean didn't condemn him; he somehow made him realize that even though he'd accepted money and gifts from that old predator, Troy, it didn't make him a male whore. It just made him a victim.

He carefully rubbed the ointment on the welts, relieved that a little of the swelling had gone down, and there were no major breaks in the skin that required suturing. There were a few minor lacerations, but they'd heal nicely on their own. The scars from Colleen's knife were still there, beneath the network of red marks, and it occurred to Christian that his friend had been through a lot in the last several months.

"Any lingering pain in your back from these?" he asked, briefly touching one of the scars where the knife had gone in way too close to Sean's heart for his comfort.

"Sometimes, not much."

"That's good. Almost done."

"It feels better. Thanks."

"About the rest of it...I know it hurts like a son of a bitch, but it'll be okay. You'll feel a lot better in a few days."

"I don't deserve your sympathy. You were really victimized. I was just stupid," Sean said, his voice breaking.

"I thought we settled this earlier." Christian got him a clean t-shirt which Sean pulled over his head. He sat next to Sean and rubbed his shoulder gently. "Do you want to tell me about it?"

"I asked for it, all right?" Sean shouted. "I asked her to stick that thing up my ass, so I got what I deserved!"

"What?" Christian looked completely stunned.

"I told her my partner had a ten-inch dick," Sean admitted, turning away from Christian.

"What? Why?" Christian watched Sean for a moment.

"Figure it out."

"I'd rather you told me," Christian said.

"I can't."

"You're most of the way there, Sean. What did my dick have to do with what that woman did to you?"

"It was the only way I could find out if I could take a ten-inch dick up my ass," Sean said, his head hung low. Christian knew only too well that putting this into words had to feel like being violated all over again.

"There was another way," Christian said gently, waiting until Sean looked at him. He leaned closer, pressing his lips against Sean's. The surprise of it froze Sean momentarily, and then he opened his mouth, and Christian felt his tongue moving against Sean's...and everything fell into place in a way it never had before. When the kiss ended, Sean opened his mouth to speak. "Don't say anything," Christian interrupted, then kissed him again.

"I wanted to know if I could make love with you that way, and now I know I can't."

"You think that sick shit you went through has anything to do with how I'd treat you in bed?"

"I needed to know before I started anything if I could finish it. If I could handle it. Now I know I can't, so what's the point? It doesn't matter how much I love you - - if I can't be with you that way then we've gone as far as we can go."

"So I might as well just give up and die because there's nothing more we can have if you can't stand having some giant plastic dick crammed up your ass while you're chained to a wall? Because everyone knows that Christian's so goddamned shallow he couldn't possibly want anything more out of lovemaking that just jamming his dick in something and pumping away."

"That's not what I meant."

"I hate to break this to you, Sean, but we've been making love to each other for over twenty years. Liz was right, much as I hate to give her credit."

"About what?"

"She told me that she didn't know if we'd ever had sex, but that I'd made love to you dozens of times...just in the way I look at you. That I never look at her that way, no matter how many times I have sex with her in the dark. I was pissed off at first when she said it, but she's right." He ran his hand gently over Sean's hair, then kissed his cheek where a tear was making its way down his face. "Did you think if we went to bed that all it would be about was me screwing you into the mattress?"

"I don't know," he admitted, looking away. "I don't know what I was thinking," he said, his voice breaking. "It was stupid. I was stupid. It's not about you, or what you'd do or not do. It's about me. I knew I'd be too uptight to handle it and I had to know for sure, because I didn't want to destroy the one and only chance I might have to be with you that way. You were engaged, and I didn't want to break that up for you, but I thought maybe we could have one time before - -"

"Before I died?" Christian asked, his voice rough.

"I was going to say 'got married.'"

"Same thing," Christian quipped, and Sean couldn't believe they were actually sharing a watery laugh together, as much difficult stuff as they were trying to navigate. "You need to understand one thing. I love you, Sean. If we expressed that physically, the last thing I'd want to do is hurt you. I know you've never been with anybody that way, and if you offered that to me, I'd cut off my dick before I'd tear you up like this."

"I don't know if I can stand the pain of having anything stuck up there. It hurts just sitting here."

"If we ever do it that way, it'll be long after you're healed up and I'll treat you so good you won't be afraid of it. Unless what we're doing feels good to both of us, it's not going to happen."

"You'd still want me that way after what happened?"

"You got into a situation you weren't prepared for, and then you made a mistake. Do you think that erases twenty-five years of loving each other? If there's another facet of us that we haven't explored yet, I don't want to risk not exploring that. Because I think being with you that way might just be the piece of me that's missing. And if it is, I'm only going to find it with you."

"What could we explore?"

"You know as well as I do there are a lot of ways to make love besides the obvious."

"I can't do it, Christian. I already know that I'm no good at it."

"Oh, bullshit. You were brutalized with some object, and from my exam last night, it didn't look like she'd used much lubrication. Not enough for a beginner who should have been held and made love to and relaxed and taken care of." Christian took one of Sean's hands in his. "Do you want to try us that way?"

"I ruined any chances of being able to give myself to you that way."

"And I might be dying, Sean. Even if I don't, the next several months could be all about side effects, hair loss, incontinence, vomiting, and maybe even impotence, depending on what kind of treatment I end up trying. I don't know what I can offer you, either."

"You could offer me you," Sean said, looking into Christian's eyes with all the love he felt. No matter how twisted the road was that was getting them here, they were on the edge of something too precious to lose.

"You've got me if you want me."

"You're not going to die, Christian. I won't let you go."

"You won't, huh?" Christian said, smiling.

"We've spent twenty-five years getting here. We deserve at least that long to enjoy it."

They kissed again, having found one expression of their new feelings that didn't require anything too taxing from either one of them. Christian stripped down to his briefs, and they climbed into bed, turning on their sides to face each other. They moved into each other's arms, Christian always mindful of not putting pressure on any of Sean's painful areas. A long while later, they dozed off, faces just inches apart on a pillow, sharing the same breath.

********

Christian woke to the sound of the shower in Sean's bathroom. He looked at the clock, groaning when he saw it was only a little after six. He had to smile as he rolled onto his back and worked at waking up fully. Today was lab test day, the day to get started on fighting the enemy that threatened to take their future away. Sean was up and at 'em and preparing for battle.

He got out of bed and rubbed a hand over his face, blinking a few times. It was just as well that he rise and shine, since Wilbur's nanny would be arriving by seven. She had her own key, and she was a discreet woman who could ignore whatever - - or whomever - - she happened to see wandering in and out of bedrooms in the morning. Matt probably wasn't even up yet - - his idea of morning was anything before noon. Still, Christian wanted a little privacy for this new relationship with Sean. It felt as if they needed time to nurture it a little before the whole world started coming down on them for it.

Sean was out of the shower, towel around his waist, standing in front of the bathroom mirror when Christian came up behind him, sliding his arms around him, careful not to put too much friction on his back.

"You smell good." He nuzzled Sean's damp neck, taking in the trace scent of shampoo and soap mixed with the clean scent of his partner.

"Good morning," Sean responded, smiling at the attention. Christian could have sworn he blushed a little at the compliment.

"Your back looks better," he said, moving back enough to look at it. The red marks were still there, a bit angry from the shower, but they looked less painful and the swelling from the welts was greatly reduced. On an impulse, Christian started kissing along one of the lines, his hand running lightly up and down Sean's chest while he did it. He smiled at Sean's little gasp, and the way his head tilted back as he enjoyed the moment.

Taking his time, Christian's lips followed several of the most inflamed marks on Sean's skin, wanting to comfort him on this very primal level, as if the love he put into the kisses could somehow erase the pain of what Sean had been through. Sean turned in his arms and they kissed, Christian's hand straying down to Sean's towel, pulling it off and letting it fall. He could feel Sean's body tense a little.

"I'm not going to touch you where it hurts," he whispered against Sean's mouth. "Trust me, sweetheart," he said, his hand wrapping around Sean's cock, pumping slowly, feeling it harden under his touch.

Sean's hand went down to the bulge in Christian's briefs, brushing over it with a maddening lightness, until Christian gave him the little nudge he needed.

"Reach in and help yourself," he said with a smile in his voice. Sean didn't need a second invitation. He freed Christian's cock from his briefs and returned the hand job he was enjoying. As close as they were, they'd never jerked each other off, or jerked off together, and now Christian was wondering why they had missed out all these years. Sean's hand felt great doing what it was doing, and his own hand felt way too right closed around Sean's cock, almost as right as his mouth felt with Sean's tongue inside it.

It wasn't long before they came, one closely following the other, abandoning their spent cocks and concentrating on holding each other, kissing passionately in the sated aftermath.

"Take another shower with me?" Christian asked, and Sean grinned, nodding.

They took their time soaping each other's bodies, touching places that had been taboo for their first twenty-five years together. Christian could feel the fight rising up in him, a determination that they'd have more than a few months like this. He put that passion into kissing Sean, running his hands over his slick skin, getting used to the different feeling of a man in his arms and under his hands. But it wasn't just a man. It was Sean. The other half of himself.

"I love you, Christian," Sean said, kissing him possessively, rubbing his body against Christian's, igniting a new erection that seemed to arrive fast on the heels of their first shared climax. If Christian's embrace was too tight on Sean's back, he didn't show any signs of minding it. He clung to Christian just as fiercely, their water-slick erections rubbing together, the burn just slow enough to keep them kissing and caressing and exploring each other under the spray of the water, in no particular hurry for the climax to come. It would have been fine with Christian if this moment lasted forever, if his last breath was a gasp of Sean's name as he came, if he died in Sean's arms feeling Sean's heart pounding against his the way it was now.

It would be even better if that happened when he was eighty years old, rubbing his thin, wrinkly, saggy skin against Sean's bony old body while they humped each other trying to remember what a real erection felt like.

There was nothing bony or wrinkled now, and Christian could feel himself ready to come again, twice in one morning and he hadn't even stuck his dick in anything but Sean's hand, and now, against his cock and balls. Could love really be this strong an aphrodisiac? As he came, his body shuddering with the physical sensations, and Sean was joining him, he had his answer. He had his home. He had his family. He had his place in the world.

When it was over, the loud rushing of the water seemed like an intrusion on something so intimate and so tender. He kissed Sean again, holding him close, wanting him to feel as wanted now as when Christian had a hard-on. His mind raced with some way to express these new feelings, but none of them seemed right for Sean. He couldn't really buy him flashy jewelry, give him a ridiculously expensive trinket, or send him flowers.

"I'm going to live long enough to do this with you when we're too old to enjoy it," he said, hoping that might replace the dozens of roses, carats of diamonds, and wardrobe of designer clothes he'd shower on a woman who made him feel the way Sean had made him feel right now. Judging by the expression on Sean's face, his eyes filled with tears and love like Christian had never seen in anyone's eyes directed at him before, it did.

********

"If I didn't know better, I'd think you refrigerated this stuff and lived off it," Christian quipped as Sean drew another blood sample. "How much do you need to run those labs again?"

"I'm hand-delivering samples to three different labs," he said.

"Isn't that a little over the top?"

"Not when we're talking about your life. I want to be sure the numbers and the results are accurate. If three different labs give me three consistent sets of numbers, then I'm satisfied."

"We do one set of labs on all our patients, Sean."

"You're not a patient. You're my partner," Sean said simply. "The one I'm going to be humping in the shower when I need a rubber tub liner and a grab bar to do it," he added, flashing a little grin at Christian. Christian stared at him, loving the happiness he saw in Sean's face. "What?" Sean asked, grinning, but confused.

"I'm so in love with you right now," Christian said honestly.

"Hold that thought for later. I made reservations for us for dinner, and asked Rita to stay over with Wilbur. I hope that was okay."

"It's better than okay."

"We're celebrating the start of the battle we're going to win to take our future back from the cancer," he said, gesturing with a blood-filled glass tube.

"If you don't finish drawing samples, I'll have to skip dinner for a transfusion."

"I'm done," Sean said, smiling. "Sorry. I know it's a lot."

"I can't deny you anything, honey," Christian said, jokingly, taking Sean's hand and kissing the back of it.

"Asshole," Sean said, laughing as he pulled his hand away.

There was a tap on the door and Linda poked her head in the room. "There's a woman here to see you, Sean. She says it's urgent."

"Did she give you a name?"

"Ramona."

Sean's expression froze momentarily. "Have her wait in my office. I'll be there in a minute," he added as Linda left the room. Then his gaze fell back on Christian, the love Christian had seen earlier shining brightly as ever. He wondered if the whole world could see it as plainly as he did. "We're all set, Christian. What's your morning like?"

"I have a rhinoplasty consult in fifteen minutes, and then I'm doing Mrs. Gomez's boob job at ten."

"Okay. Don't overdo it. If you get tired, don't push yourself. Use the couch in your office and rest. Doctor's orders."

"Who's Ramona?" Christian asked. Sean hesitated a few long seconds before answering.

"Madame Ramona from Dragons."

"The one who..."

"That's the one." Sean sighed. "I don't know why she's here. Teddy told me all this was anonymous, that no one would find out."

"Let me sit in on this with you, okay?" Christian said, resting his hand on Sean's arm.

"Can you keep your cool?"

"No promises. But I'll let you take the lead."

"Fair enough. I'd like it if you were with me."

After Sean had meticulously packaged, labeled, and stored the samples personally, they went to his office to meet with the dominatrix. She stood when they entered, and neither could help noticing what a striking, statuesque blonde she was. At least their age or maybe a bit older, it was apparent she'd had work done to maintain her appearance. To her credit, she was dressed in a conservative cream-colored pantsuit and blouse, with three-inch matching heels. She looked more like a suburban housewife with a little too much make up than a dominatrix from an S&M club.

"This is my partner, Dr. Troy," Sean said, and no sooner had the words left his mouth than he realized he'd told her his partner had a ten-inch dick.

"This might be easier one-on-one," Ramona said, sitting down as they did behind Sean's desk.

"I was under the impression everything that goes on at Dragons is confidential," Sean said. "I didn't think my name or contact information was used."

"I'm sure Theodora told you she's one of our regular guests," Ramona began.

"She told me," Christian said, and Sean looked puzzled.

"She said she'd been there before. She didn't elaborate a whole lot," Sean added.

"I'm not here to do that, either. But I do know her personally, and she said you sought medical attention. Naturally, I was concerned."

"I don't want to talk about this," Sean said. "I'm not going to sue you or press charges, if that's what you're worried about."

"No, actually, it's not. We have security cameras for our own protection in all the private session rooms to avoid that." She reached into her large gold-embellished handbag and pulled out a videocassette. "This is the only copy of your session." She laid the tape on the desk. "I could lose my job for giving you that, but I thought it would give you some peace of mind to have it."

"I didn't even know I was being taped," Sean said, staring at the tape in horror.

"Jesus, lady, ripping up your customers isn't enough for you? You go back and watch it again later and get off?" Christian challenged.

"No. The tapes are periodically destroyed, and they're kept secured in a safe in the manager's office. They're mainly our lawsuit protection."

"You mean blackmail," Sean accused.

"No, I mean just what I said. We keep the tapes for a while to be sure the client doesn't accuse one of our staff of doing something they didn't want done. That can lead to criminal prosecution and lawsuits."

"Why are you here?"

"I've been doing this for over twenty years. I'm good at it. I pride myself in being able to read the needs and desires of my clients. That's what gives me my satisfaction - - knowing I read their signals right and gave them an experience that lived up to, or hopefully exceeded, their expectations. Your signals were badly misread, Dr. McNamara. That's why I asked Theodora for your full name, so I could see you, and apologize. And find out where things went wrong. At Dragons, we've sent some clients home in pain, but it was because they wanted to feel that."

"You're the only person I hear calling her 'Theodora'," Christian said.

"I'm a dominatrix, Dr. Troy. She doesn't like to be called by her full name. My doing so reinforces my position of power. Theodora is good at what she does, but she's very inexperienced compared to me. There is a caste system at play here."

"She's a dominatrix, too? Well, I can't say that surprises me," Christian said. "She sure acts like one."

"I was humiliated enough the other night," Sean said. "I don't need you showing up here and dredging it up again."

"Theodora said you were looking for a way to break through your barriers and have an emotional catharsis. That's often the point of inflicting physical pain, to break you so it gives you an acceptable physical reason to let those feelings out."

"Well, it worked, so I guess you can go back to your dungeon and pat yourself on the back. Or whip yourself there, whatever turns you on," Christian added. "You don't treat a beginner the way you treated Sean. I'm not into the S&M scene myself, but I've met enough people who are to know that what you did was irresponsible, sadistic, and brutal."

"Can I speak freely about our session in front of Dr. Troy?" she asked Sean.

"He knows what happened."

"When you said your partner had a ten-inch dick, it did give the impression you'd had first hand experience with it. That's what you said when the toys were mentioned. Any other client I've ever been with who said something like that was telling me he wanted that kind of toy used, and used vigorously."

"I suppose the blood running out of his ass wasn't a sign that it was more than he could handle?" Christian asked, leaning back in his chair. "Lady, no one could want what you did to him."

"You're not so vanilla and naive to think that's true, Dr. Troy. You're just self-righteous and angry with me because I was in your territory."

"Sean's not my territory, he's my partner. If I had my way, you'd be in handcuffs, and not for a reason you'd enjoy."

"I'm sorry you didn't get what you wanted from your experience at Dragons, Dr. McNamara. Obviously, the damage wasn't serious, since you're back to work already. I'm glad to know that."

"I've had enough of this," Sean said. "I've assured you I'm not taking action against you, but if you're looking for exoneration or forgiveness, you came to the wrong place. I may have been unclear in what I said, or maybe I didn't want the same things Teddy thought I wanted, I don't know. But you didn't make much effort to ensure my safety, either. Hopefully this will cause you to be a little more careful with your future clients."

"Truthfully, it will. I'm sorry your signals were misread," she said, standing. "I hope you find whatever it was you were looking for. I'm glad you're not seriously hurt."

"Don't come to my place of business again," Sean said as they both stood.

"Of course not," she said, putting on large sunglasses. "I would suggest the same to you." With that, she turned and headed out of the office.

"She has a hell of a lot of nerve," Christian said, disgusted.

"She's a professional at what she does and she screwed up with me. I know I was sending out some messed up signals," Sean concluded, shrugging. "Maybe I should admire her for following up to find out if I was all right, and how she messed up."

"That's stretching it."

"At least I don't have to worry about this," Sean said, stashing the tape in his desk. "I can't believe they taped it."

"You've got the tape and it's not going anywhere. Take comfort in that. And this." Christian pulled him into an embrace, and Sean returned it, holding on tightly for a few seconds. "It's okay, Sean. It's over and done with. And you have nothing to be ashamed of."

"I wish I could believe that," Sean said, pulling back and sitting in his chair again, not bothering to hide the wince of pain that accompanied the movement, now that they were alone.

"Your wrists should still be bandaged." Christian sat down, too, and took one of Sean's hands in his, ostensibly to look at his wrist. "You can't scrub these for surgery today. You've still got an open spot here," Christian said. "Are you operating today?"

"I cancelled my surgeries, so it's not an issue. I'm not focused enough to operate on someone." Sean shook his head. "I'm sorry. Not only do I do something so completely stupid, but also manage to cost us money with it at the same time. Mrs. Fredericks was so angry at her surgery being cancelled that she's going to someone else instead."

"I think we'll still be able to buy groceries without her, Sean." Christian hadn't given up his hold on Sean's hand, and Sean hadn't pulled it away. "You know, there aren't many people in this world who love me so much that they'd suffer what you did just to find out if they could... accommodate me sexually just in case we had an encounter once that might not ever happen, right before I married someone else." Sean was still looking down, and Christian gently guided his chin until they were eye to eye, though Sean looked distinctly uncomfortable looking Christian in the eyes when they talked about what he'd been through at Dragons. "Don't you ever be ashamed to look me in the eyes when we talk about this. What you put yourself though is probably one of the most unselfish things anyone's ever done for me. You were already hurting, you were afraid, and you asked for something you knew would hurt even more - - maybe seriously injure you - - and endured it while it was tearing you up, all because you wanted to know if you could give me what you thought it would take for us to make love one time before the end? And then you were going to step back and be my best man while I married Liz? Shit, Sean, nobody's ever loved me that much. I'm torn between this whole thing making me feel like the most important man on earth, and feeling like a total asshole because you suffered like this over me."

"This isn't your fault, Christian. I did it voluntarily. I suppose the way I told her...about you, made it seem like I was goading her on to hurt me more, worse, than she already had. I just had to know if there was any chance...how bad it would be, if it would be bad at all."

"What she did to you was rape, even if you 'asked for it'. If it wasn't for the embarrassment it would cause you, I'd have called the cops on that crazy bitch when she showed up here today. You don't brutalize someone to the point of drawing blood while you have them tied to a wall and helpless. I know what it feels like to have no control while someone treats you that way, and I don't want you to go through this alone, or to be ashamed to talk to me about it."

"How did you get past it? God knows, I wasn't really there for you. I was so worried about the practice and schedules... Maybe this is some kind of... karmic retribution for being such a prick."

"I moved out to the beach and hung out with Kimber. If I'd asked to stay with you, or you to stay with me, or told you what happened the night of the attack, wouldn't you have been there for me?"

"Of course."

"I handled it the best way I could, and you took my cue and left me alone with it. By the time I was ready to not be so alone with it, you were so busy juggling the practice and doing two surgeons' jobs you didn't have time to break for lunch, let alone counsel me."

"I should have made time. I love you, Christian. Getting you through the aftermath of that whole mess should have been my priority."

"You did the best you could. I saw how tired you were, how stressed out. Julia was divorcing you, you were facing losing the kids. Then I gave you hell about hiring Quentin - - "

"Thanks for reminding me of yet another brilliant move."

"It was brilliant based on what you knew about him. Quentin was a hell of a surgeon, all else aside. He was likable before he started checking you out and fingering my ass."

"You didn't answer me," Sean said. "How did you get over it?"

"I didn't get over it. I got past it, and sex started feeling good again, and eventually it was less and less relevant to my every day life. I'll never forget it, and I'll never get over it, but it's in its place. Mostly. It's part of what makes me afraid us taking the next step. I'm no more prepared for you to stick your dick in me than you are for me to do it to you. I don't know how that'll work out, or if it's possible for either one of us to like that."

"We could always buy a Miss Kimber doll and have a threesome," Sean suggested, a devilish little smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

"I'm not opposed to a doll, but let's get one that I don't feel compelled to put a bag over its head while I'm screwing it."

"It's a deal," Sean agreed, grateful to Christian for making him feel better when he didn't think anything, or anyone, could.

********

Christian leaned on the doorframe of Liz's office, watching her re-load the cartons she'd barely had time to unpack. When she saw him, she looked at him a moment and then went back to her packing.

"If you're here to ask me to stay on, forget it. I already called the hospital in Miami, and they're willing to take me back. I'll be here the rest of the week since I understand you fired your new anesthesiologist and you're booked with surgeries. After that, I'm going home."

"Come on, Lizzie, this is home, here with us. I'm not asking you to forgive me, but why take it out on the practice? Or on Sean? This isn't his fault. It's mine."

"It's not about taking it out on anyone. I just can't do this anymore. This on again, off again thing isn't for me. I invested a lot of myself in you, Christian, and I don't want to watch you screwing around when we were almost married."

"I'm not going to be screwing around anymore - - "

"Oh, no, I fell for that once, and you had a ring with you that time," she said, quickly stuffing a few trinkets in a nearly full box before closing it.

"We're not meant to be, and I should have never dragged you back here. I was using you to live out a fantasy, and I completely admit to being a world class asshole. I wasn't asking you to take me back. I just thought you should be the first to know."

"Know what? Has something changed with your diagnosis?"

"No, although Sean did draw enough blood to restock the Beverly Hills chapter of the Red Cross this morning."

"Then what?"

"You were right about Sean and me, some of the things you said last night. We made love this morning, and it was like everything I was looking for just...fell into place. A couple years ago, this whack-job therapist told me I was in love with Sean, and there was nothing I wouldn't do to deny that. Hell, when Sean found out, he was very careful to tell me how much he loved me, butnot that way." Christian shook his head, smiling. "I think we were both so afraid of the label that we didn't let ourselves feel the feelings."

"Be good to Sean. He's been through a lot. If you're going back to banging stupid sluts, don't do it in front of him."

"This is a forever thing for me," Christian said. "Well, as long as my forever is," he added.

"I hope you two are happy together, and I hope you find treatment that helps you fight the cancer. Keep in touch and let me know how you're doing."

"You won't reconsider about staying? There's nothing I could say?"

"Not now, no, there isn't. And by the way, I'm not cancelling the wedding arrangements or the travel plans, Christian. You are. I'm all done cleaning up after you."

"Fair enough," he said, sighing. "I've been really upbeat with Sean about trying to find a clinical trial or experimental treatment that's right for me, that'll beat this thing. But if none of it works, and I die in a few months, he's going to be destroyed, Lizzie. Just tell me you'll stay in touch with him after I'm gone, keep an eye on him. He's got three kids, an ex-wife...and he's more alone than I am."

"Of course, I would stay in touch with Sean. I love him, we've been friends for years. I wouldn't turn my back on him."

"It'll be hard for you to do that from Miami. Look, I have no right to ask you of all people to do this, but would you please just ride this out with us, just a little longer? We'll know soon enough if there's any hope with any of these alternative treatment options Sean's researching."

"You do realize this could all end up just being a way for him to cope with your illness and not really make a difference?"

"I could go through a lot of suffering, side effects, and other assorted bullshit I didn't really want to, and die anyway, yeah, I know that. But if there's a chance I can stay here with Sean, and we can go to Wilbur's high school graduation and dance at his wedding someday, how can I not fight for that?" He paused. "I know it's an enormous thing to ask of you when we just broke off an engagement, but I'm worried about Sean. I think Matt'll be around for him, but Matt isn't the most stable, reliable kid in the world."

Liz sighed, looking at her boxed up office. "I want to make one thing perfectly clear," she said, waving a finger in Christian's direction. "I'm only doing this for Sean."

"Understood," Christian replied, not able to completely wipe the smile off his face. "Thank you."

"Why did you have to go and make love to the guy when you don't even know if you're going to be around to be there for him? Wasn't screwing up my lesbian identity enough for you?"

"Sean laid a lot on the line thinking maybe we could only have one time together and he'd have to back off and let me marry someone else. He wanted this as much as I did, no matter how it turns out."

"I hope it turns out well, Christian, I really do. You've both been down a long and twisted road to get to where you are now."

********

"Nice place," Christian commented, looking around the restaurant Sean had chosen. "Tell me you didn't use the house as collateral for the reservation?"

"What is this? Christian Troy fretting over the price of dinner?" Sean teased, looking at the menu.

The restaurant was dimly lit, small candles on each table, soft classical music in the background, and an impressive selection of gourmet entrees. Christian squinted at a couple he saw a few tables over. The woman was dressed elegantly, her brown hair upswept, accenting her fine bone structure and full lips. The man with close-cropped blond hair and handsome features was wearing an obviously expensive suit.

"Is that - - ?" he nudged Sean under the table, trying to subtly get him to look at the couple.

"Looks like them," Sean said, laying the menu down, smiling at Christian's interest in spotting celebrities. It was the main reason he'd worked so hard to get them reservations here. It was a known hot spot for the beautiful people of Hollywood, and Christian so wanted to move in that circle. And he should, Sean thought, looking at his partner's handsome features and impeccable sense of style. If ever there was a beautiful person, it was Christian. Somehow, no matter how hard he worked, he never managed to make it into that ultimate upper echelon he was always reaching for. Sean fervently wished he could make that happen for Christian.

Christian abandoned his people watching and looked back at Sean. "Sorry. I guess I was a little star-struck."

"It's okay. That's why I chose this place. I thought you might have fun celebrity-spotting. I'm just glad a couple of them were actually here for you to spot."

"We've still got a ways to go with the practice, Sean. We have to attract those people to get their work done by us. The collagen injections alone would make the payroll."

Sean laughed at that. "You still want to be plastic surgeons to the stars, don't you?"

"I wouldn't mind lifting a few famous faces. You can't tell me you haven't thought about it?"

"I admit I've been a little disappointed by the 'celebrities' we've attracted. It wasn't all that fulfilling to see Candy Richards' enhanced ass in her latest video."

"She has another video out?"

"Unfortunately, yes," he said. "Annie texted me asking for her autograph."

"I can imagine that would thrill you."

"Yeah, almost as much as it did when Wilbur started singing along with 'Yo Stank Bitch' when I was looking for a radio station in the car last night. You actually played that for him?"

"Oh relax, Sean. He's a kid. He liked the beat."

"He was singing the line about garlic up her cooch, or whatever it is," Sean responded. "Just about took care of my appetite at the chicken place."

"We deserve to be doing celebrity facelifts, getting credit for preserving some of the great beauties of Hollywood."

"I would have settled for finding a solution to Budi Sabri's problem."

"You always want to make a difference, something beyond the superficial."

"I know, I'll stop being a 'buzzkill' now. It's fun to fantasize about being the plastic surgery destination for the first string celebrities instead of the fourth-string freakshow."

"You're not being a buzzkill, Sean. I've always admired that about you, even when it pissed me off. You'd rather do ten pro bono surgeries on somebody with a real problem than one overpriced facelift on a saggy movie star that would put you on the map forever." Christian took Sean's hand in his. "Whenever I talk to colleagues at conferences or some kind of social event, I'm always so proud to tell them you're my partner, that we've been together for over twenty years. They always comment on what good things they've heard about you, or what a great surgeon you are. And I always agree with them."

"That means a lot to me," Sean said, smiling, though he felt a lump in his throat. It was as if Christian were taking opportunities to tell him things he hadn't put into words before. Things he wanted Sean to know when he was gone.

"I can tell. What's wrong?" Christian said, and Sean realized his eyes had filled and he couldn't answer him.

"Excuse me a minute," Sean managed, getting up and walking out of the restaurant. He kept moving, even ignoring the maitre'd's inquiry if everything was all right.

Once he was out the door and into the cooling night air, he realized there were tears on his face, and more were coming. He didn't know where his car was, and a parking lot attendant was approaching him now to ask which one was his.

"I don't want it right now," he snapped, walking across the parking lot, not sure where he was going.

"Sean!" He heard Christian's voice, and as much as he didn't want to ruin this evening for Christian by breaking down like this, he knew he'd already done considerable damage to it by running out of the restaurant and wandering aimlessly around the parking lot. He stopped where he was and waited for Christian to catch up to him. "Why did you bolt?" Christian asked as he noticed the wetness around Sean's eyes. "I'm sorry if I said something - - "

"You said something really beautiful. I just couldn't handle it. Sometimes I can't help thinking about it, what it'll be like if we don't win, if we don't beat this thing."

"We'll face it together, whatever the outcome."

"But you won't be here!" Sean shouted. "None of this shit matters without you," he added, more quietly. Christian didn't have a solution, other than to put his arms around Sean and cry with him, in a dark corner of the parking lot of the best restaurant in town. They stood there what felt like a long time, until the tears subsided. Christian nudged Sean's chin up and kissed him, but somehow that made him feel worse. He knew he shouldn't grieve Christian while he was still alive and there was still hope, but it just hurt too much.

"I'm not dead yet, Sean," Christian said gently, pulling Sean back into his arms. "I know you're scared. I am, too," he said.

"I should be strong for you."

"Oh, bullshit. There are worse things than having someone be afraid of losing me. Kind of makes it all a little easier to face."

"Sorry I'm such a sniveling pussy," Sean said, pulling back and wiping at his eyes.

"That's what these fancy designer hankies are for," Christian said, pulling the purple silk handkerchief that perfectly coordinated with his shirt, out of its perfectly shaped pouf in his suit pocket and handing it to Sean.

"This probably cost more than dinner in there," he said, hesitating.

"You might as well wipe your face with it, because I'm blowing my nose in it when you're done," he said, and Sean had to laugh, despite feeling a pain worse that Colleen's knife, right through his heart. "You're not a pussy, Sean. You never have been. I wouldn't be in love with a pussy." At Sean's raised eyebrow, Christian chuckled. "Well, you know what I mean." He held out his hand. "Let's go for a walk." Sean smiled, looking at the extended hand before slipping his into it.

"What about dinner?"

"We both look like shit and my coordinating pocket square is full of snot," he said, looking at it with some disgust as he shoved it in his pants pocket. "That wasn't what I had in mind for swapping body fluids." Sean laughed a little at that, and Christian smiled. "We're not going back in that place tonight."

Christian started walking, and Sean fell into step with him. Walking hand in hand in the mild night breeze suddenly seemed better than sitting in an overly pretentious restaurant. The business district they were in was quiet and pleasant, with sidewalks, shops and other small cafes and restaurants. The fact Christian didn't mind if some of the beautiful, trendy people in Beverly Hills did a double-take at them because they were holding hands in public made Sean grip his hand even a little bit tighter.

"Sorry I screwed up dinner. I probably can't get us reservations again."

"If we try, we'll use my name so they don't remember us." Christian was quiet a moment. "I talked Liz into staying on."

"How did you manage that?"

"It wasn't easy. I just think that we need her to be here. We don't know yet what my treatment is going to involve, and having someone else we can trust at the practice will be a big help."

"Did you tell her about us?"

"Yup."

"I bet that went over well."

"She was actually pretty good about it. She wants to be sure I don't cheat on you, though."

"You won't."

"You sound pretty sure of yourself there, killer."

"I'm sure of you."

"You want to stop in and get something to eat?" Christian asked as they passed a small Italian restaurant.

"I could eat," Sean said, realizing a little of the heaviness in his gut had lifted. Whatever was coming, he and Christian had the chance for some beautiful time together now. He could enjoy it, or he could miss out on it while he was grieving his partner before he was dead.

"Nice Italian dinner and going to bed early," Christian added, flexing his eyebrows. "Perfect evening."

"Sure, try to take advantage of me on our first date."

"You have a problem with that?"

"I'll have a problem with it if you didn't," Sean quipped, nudging Christian's shoulder.

The restaurant was quiet and dimly lit, the candles flickering on the tables dripping multicolored wax down their wine bottle holders, the soft strains of Italian music filling the air. The clientele there were mostly couples, and the place was only half full. At Christian's request, they were escorted to a table in the corner, where they'd have less light and more privacy. With a bottle of red wine and two glasses served, they put off ordering dinner for a while just to enjoy the quiet time together.

"How are you feeling?" Sean asked, not really wanting to bring up Christian's illness, but at the same time feeling like it was the 600-pound gorilla sitting at the table with them.

"Surprisingly good. I thought I'd be weak, or nauseous, or...something."

"I have a call in to Wayne Tanner. I just hope I've got enough clout to get a call back."

"Isn't he the guy who just won the Nobel Prize for his cancer research?"

"One in the same. He's been exploring some really radical ideas, and I want us to talk to him. I read three of his articles today, and I have Lisa digging through our files for the other journals we have he's been published in," he said, referring to one of their office workers. "I printed off a bunch of stuff from the internet he's written or been quoted in."

"You're a colleague. I'm sure he'll at least return the call."

"If he doesn't, I'll fly out there and camp in his waiting room."

"You feel pretty strongly about this guy's work, huh?"

"He combines some pretty aggressive surgical and chemo options, and he's had some good results with metastatic breast cancer. So far, all of his published work I've found is relevant to female patients, so I need to talk to him personally to see if he's done any work with male patients." Sean paused. "Not exactly romantic dinner conversation, is it?" he asked, regretfully.

"No, but it's hope," Christian said, reaching over and laying his hand on the side of Sean's face. Sean covered the hand with his own, and turned his face into the touch, kissing the palm of Christian's hand. He took a chance on the gesture, not sure if Christian would be okay with that much of a display of obvious romantic affection. He was apparently fine with it, since he leaned over and kissed Sean's lips, lingering there a while.

"I think we're getting some stares. Are you okay with that?" Sean asked, their faces still close. Even with the small table, they had positioned their chairs next to each other, as close as they could be.

"They're just jealous," Christian said, not sparing a look for whatever inquisitive diners had caught Sean's attention. "Wishing someone was so in love with them that he couldn't wait 'til they got home to spend all night making love to them."

"Should we give them something else to look at?" Sean asked, before making his own move and kissing Christian.

"Should we order dinner so we can eat and get out of here?" Christian suggested, sliding the menu toward Sean.

"Great idea. Do you want to each get something different and share?"

"Whatever you're eating I'm going to be sticking my tongue into one way or another, so we might as well," Christian quipped.

They ordered spaghetti and veal, respectively, and settled in for a quiet dinner together. Over salad and bread, Christian made a suggestion.

"Before we get involved in an aggressive, drastic treatment program of some sort, what would you think of taking a trip together?"

"How long of a trip? If we can get you started on something, every day matters."

"Yes, Sean, it does. And once I'm undergoing aggressive chemo, or having more surgery, I'm not going to be in any condition to use these." He pulled out two airline tickets and laid them on the table.

"These are round trip tickets to Rome," Sean said. "These were your honeymoon tickets."

"They still could be," Christian said, and Sean looked up at him, surprised. "I want to spend my life with you, Sean. I don't care if it's six months or sixty years. If you feel the same way, then let's take this trip together and celebrate whatever time we have. When we come back from this trip, I'll sign up for any treatment program you think is best."

"Did you just ask me to marry you?"

"I guess I did. So how long are you gonna keep me in suspense before you answer me?"

"You didn't have to ask. You had me the first time you kissed me."

"I just want to be sure that I always do."

"You do." Sean smiled. "I do."

"Hold that thought. Maybe we can exchange vows on the balcony of our honeymoon suite in Rome." Christian took Sean's hand and kissed the back of it. "Or in our private villa in the picturesque Tuscan countryside."

"There's just one condition. If we find the right treatment option and we need to start right away, that takes priority over travel plans. I'd commit my life to you anywhere, anytime. If it's in Rome, or in the car on the way home, or here, now. But if you love me, the most important thing is fighting to stay with me."

"Fair enough. You know I'd do anything for you."

"I'm banking on that."

"It would be great to go on a vacation together, though," Sean said, smiling at the thought.

"We'll get a new top of the line digital camera, with video, and we'll capture it all so we can show our grandchildren someday what a great time their two horny old grandpas had making out in a gondola."

Their food was served shortly thereafter, and they took their time enjoying it, eating off each other's plates, sharing a truly romantic "first date." When dinner was finished, they split a tiramisu, which they fed to each other, oblivious to and unconcerned with any stares coming from other diners. This was a special moment, and neither of them were willing to let it pass for the sake of appearances.

"Excuse me," a female voice interrupted them as they shared the last couple bites of dessert. An attractive redhead stood at the table, cell phone in hand. "This is going to sound really odd, but this looks like a special occasion, and I wondered if you'd like me to e-mail you this picture." She handed Christian the cell phone, which he held where Sean could see it. On the tiny screen was a picture of them kissing. "I'll erase it right now if you don't want it. My husband and I just got back from our honeymoon, and someone took a picture like this for us while we were in Hawaii, and I just thought it was the most romantic thing in the world. We have it on the night stand in our bedroom. I guess I was just doing the karma thing, returning the favor to someone else."

"Thank you, we'd love to have it," Sean said, writing his e-mail address on a cocktail napkin.

"I'm Jennifer, and that's my husband, Josh, over there with the dark hair," she said, pointing out a good-looking young man sitting by himself at a table. He waved when they all looked over.

"I'm Christian, this is Sean - - it's our first official date," he said. "He just agreed to marry me," Christian added with pride in his voice that moved Sean deeply.

"But we've been together twenty-five years and have a son and grandchild," Sean added. "It's complicated," he said, smiling.

"So you're a newly engaged old married couple?" she asked, laughing.

"Something like that," Christian confirmed, smiling at Sean.

"I'll send you the photo tonight. Let me know if you have any trouble printing it out, and I'll do it."

"That's really nice of you, Jennifer, thank you. This is going to be more special to us than you know," Sean said, and Christian took his hand, squeezing it.

"We're fighting cancer right now," Christian said, not sure why he was telling a total stranger. "We don't know yet if we're going to win."

"You have to. I'm not sure which one of you has it, but you deserve a lot of years together. Good luck."

"Thanks again," Sean said, watching her go back to her table and rejoin her husband. They were so young, so healthy, and if their marriage lasted, they'd have a good fifty or sixty years together, barring anything unforseen. Like cancer. Somehow it all seemed very unfair.

********

When they arrived home, Wilbur's nanny informed them he was asleep, before gathering her things and leaving. Christian headed down the hall to stealthily look in on his son, while Sean took off his jacket and threw it on the couch, fixing himself a drink.

"You want anything?" he asked as Christian entered the room.

"I had enough wine with dinner. I want to be awake a while yet tonight."

"Your place or mine?" Sean quipped, referring to their bedrooms.

"My place. It's easier for me to hear Wilbur if he's up and around. Far enough away for Matt not to hear something he shouldn't."

"I'll get a nursery monitor for my room. That way, if the spirit moves us, we can use either room." Sean paused. "We need to talk to Matt about this."

"I know, but it can wait. Maybe he'll find out on his own."

"That's not a good solution," Sean responded. "This is going to be weird for him."

"He's a big boy. He'll deal with it." Christian smiled, sliding his arms around Sean's waist, pulling him close. "I had a good time tonight."

"Me, too. Sorry we didn't get to finish dinner with the stars," Sean said, smiling, as they headed toward Christian's room. He sat on the foot of the bed to take off his shoes and socks, and started unbuttoning his shirt.

"I was more interested in my date than people watching anyway," Christian said, sitting next to Sean. He kicked his own shoes off and pulled off his socks. "You know, Sean, there are more exciting parts you could have stripped first than your feet."

"If I don't want to spend the night with my pants stuck around my ankles, the shoes have to go," he said reasonably, unbuttoning the rest of the buttons on his shirt.

"You've got to stop wearing those things," Christian said, tugging at the crew neck on Sean's t-shirt. "It's too much trouble getting you naked, and you'll get addicted to the feeling of expensive silk shirts on your skin."

"I will, huh?"

"I'm going to start dressing you snazzier," Christian said.

"I didn't know you were going to take over dressing me at all."

"Since I plan on undressing you a lot, it's the only fair thing for me to do."

"I'm all for fairness," Sean replied, standing and pulling his t-shirt over his head, tossing it on the floor with his shoes and socks. He started undoing his belt, and then hesitated. "I'm not swinging on a pole and you didn't pay for a lap dance, so you better start stripping, too."

"Asshole," Christian replied, chuckling as he stood and started dispensing with his own clothes, tossing the expensive suit in a heap on the floor, more interested in Sean than he was in tidying up after himself. Let the dry cleaners earn their money pressing the wrinkles out.

With everything including underwear cast aside, Sean pulled Christian close for a kiss, intentionally rubbing his body against Christian's so his cock felt the friction.

"Teach me how to do a blow job the way you like it," Sean said, taking Christian's cock in his hand, stroking it. "I know what I like, but I've never done it before."

"I didn't figure you had," Christian replied. "You don't have to do that."

"I know I don't have to. I want to."

"You want me to use a rubber?"

"If I wanted to suck rubber, I'd borrow one of Wilbur's old pacifiers."

"I'm clean - - I mean I've been tested."

"Do you think I'm worried about that right now? I want to do something special for you."

"You don't have to do this because you're still healing up and you think you have to give me something in place of your ass. This morning was great, no holes necessary."

"If you don't want me to do it, all you have to do is say no."

"I'd have to be nuts not to want it. I want to be sure you want it."

"I'm not this fragile, Christian. I appreciate how understanding and good you've been to me about what happened the other night, but if I say I want to suck your dick, I want to suck your dick, and we shouldn't have to have a two-hour conversation about it to confirm that I know what I'm doing."

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry," Christian said, hoping to calm Sean's irritable frame of mind. After all, he was jeopardizing getting a blow job from someone he was crazy about. Sean was right. With anyone else, he'd have had his pants down and his partner would have been on her knees and halfway done already.

"No, I am. I'm just nervous. Not about having you in my mouth, but I don't want to screw it up."

"The dick's pretty durable, so unless you bite it off, you're not going to do any serious damage. Have you ever had someone suck you and not liked it?"

"I guess I have a wide margin for error, huh?"

"Just come to bed with me, and we'll work our way there. I want your mouth up here for a while before it goes below decks." Christian kissed him, his tongue lingering in Sean's mouth until they finally parted long enough to get into the bed before going back to kissing.

Sean started moving down, kissing Christian's belly, taking the semi-erect cock in his hand and kissing up the length of it.

"Shit," Christian sighed, the feather-light touch of lips arousing and maddening at the same time. "Don't try to take the whole thing in your mouth because it'll choke you if I thrust up suddenly, or it could hurt your throat or the roof of your mouth. Put your hand around the base and your mouth over the end."

Sean followed the instructions, and Christian still flinched.

"Teeth," he said, and Sean flushed pink. He tried again, this time managing to keep his teeth off the sensitive skin. Sean definitely wouldn't be recruited as a fluffer anytime soon, but he was trying, and it was starting to feel pretty damn good. Christian leaned up on one elbow and caressed Sean's hair. "Yeah, that's good," Christian said. He wanted to encourage Sean, but he didn't have to fake it. Sean's technique was a little clumsy, but it was Sean, and he was putting as much effort into making Christian feel good as he did into the most complicated microsurgery. "Loosen your hand a little, sweetheart," he urged, since Sean's hand was beginning to feel like a four-finger wide cock ring. He knew Sean was nervous, and trying so hard to be good at this, that it was probably making him hold onto Christian's dick for dear life. "Play with my balls," Christian said, feeling weird to say it, but knowing it would get him off a lot faster.

Sean's hand gently rolled Christian's balls, and his mouth worked diligently. Christian could feel his climax coming, and as it did, Sean did his best to finish what he started, taking in as much of Christian's come as he could, a little of it escaping his mouth.

"Come up here with me," Christian said, waiting until Sean moved up next to him. "Thank you. That was a better dessert than the tiramisu," he added, kissing Sean. He carefully ran his hand over Sean's back. "How's your back?"

"A lot better."

"Good." Christian rolled them over so he was on top of Sean, kissing him. "So what was it like, blowing another guy?" His gentle tone made the question seem less crass.

"I wasn't blowing another guy. I was blowing you. That's what made it good." Sean kissed him again. "You don't have to do that to me if you're not ready. Your hand'll work fine."

"I'm just remembering some things I didn't want to think about right now."

"I'm not Mr. Troy, Christian. I love you, and the only way I want you to do something with me is if you want it as much as I do."

"I didn't want to think about that. I thought it wouldn't matter, all this time later."

"It's okay. You keep telling me I'm not under any pressure - - you aren't either."

"The last time I had a dick in my mouth, I was seventeen and it smelled and tasted like sweat and piss, and the son of a bitch was drunk and kept stuffing it down my throat over and over again until I choked on it and my throat was raw." Christian rolled off Sean onto his back, resting one arm over his eyes. Sean could see and feel his body shaking. His voice was strained when he said, "I just stuck my dick in your mouth and got off on you, and I'm not returning the favor. I'm no better than he was."

"You're nothing like him, Christian. He was a monster, and you were a child. Even at seventeen, the abuse had been going on for so long that you weren't capable of making normal decisions about it, consenting or not consenting. We're both adults here, and we both want to be here, and nothing's happened between us that I didn't like or want to happen."

Sean moved over until he could rest his head on Christian's chest and slide his arm around Christian's middle. Christian's arm came down around Sean's shoulders.

"He didn't care anything about me. I could have been anyone. I tried to tell myself that the money, and the sports car, and the gifts...that they meant he loved me. But he only did that because hitting me or threatening me didn't work as well when I was physically big enough to knock him on his ass. There had to be something in it for me. He had to turn me into his paid whore to keep getting what he wanted."

"You weren't a whore. You never have been. That son of a bitch left you with a lot of unresolved pain that influenced the rest of your life. He abused you, Christian. There couldn't have been enough money or gifts to make that anything else."

"You're still the only person I ever told about him."

"I know. Nobody ever said this was going to be easy for us. We don't exactly have a storybook history, but we're smart enough to think of ways to make each other feel good. Those medical degrees ought to come in handy for something." Sean kissed Christian's chest. "I love you, Christian, and I want to be with you, however that works out. We're doing okay so far, and we'll do okay as long as we're doing it together."

"I think maybe all this shit from my past is what kept me from thinking about us this way sooner. You're going to laugh at this, but every time you hugged me, from the time we were kids in college, I wanted those moments to last. I've always liked being close to you. I liked sitting by you in class, I liked you leaning over me when were coaching me on operating on that damn fetal pig in biology. Your body's always felt right when it was close to me. Like you belonged there. Like you were what had been missing."

"I do belong close to you, and you belong with me. The rest is mechanics, and it's not worth losing this."

Sean moved up to kiss Christian, and one kiss led to another, until Christian seemed to get his second wind, and rolled them on their sides, reaching down and taking Sean's cock in his hand, pumping it as he kissed Sean's neck and shoulder, fastening his mouth there and sucking on the soft skin, knowing he was making a bright mark and loving the idea of marking Sean as his. Sean gasped and arched into Christian's pumping hand. Christian kissed him again, his tongue sliding deep into Sean's mouth. Sean came with a cry he stifled against Christian's chest, not wanting the sounds to carry and wake Wilbur.

Christian gathered Sean close in his arms, and Sean wound his leg around Christian's.

"What's Italy like?" Sean asked, and Christian smiled. He'd been there before, once on old man Troy's money on a high school trip, and then several times again after they started the practice, while Sean was holding down the fort and not able to leave his family or the practice to come along.

"Historic. Beautiful." He kissed Sean again. "Romantic. The food is amazing. The cities are magnificent and the countryside is beautiful. I can't wait to share it all with you."

"I've never been anywhere like that. I can't wait to see it with you."

"Let's make some time to travel. Let's get someone to take over the practice for a couple months and see Europe. England, France...maybe go drink beer at Oktoberfest in Germany."

"I never thought about that before. I guess we just never had time."

"That's one thing I'm learning to treasure, and spend on some things that matter. The practice matters, our careers and our future matter, but we need to start grabbing life and making love to it instead of just living it."

"I always wanted to see the Eiffel Tower," Sean admitted. "Megan wanted to go to Paris. I was so afraid of getting caught at the affair, and by the time I was prepared to risk everything and go to Paris with her, we were in the hotel room where I watched her commit suicide."

"We're going to get there, I promise," Christian said. They both knew he couldn't promise that, but it made them both feel better, and they held onto that, and each other, as they drifted off to sleep.

********

End of Part 2

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