Title: WHEN MY HEART FINDS CHRISTMAS

Author: Candy Apple

Email: blair_lady@yahoo.com

Website: https://www.squidge.org/~candy_a

Direct to Nip/Tuck Page: https://www.squidge.org/~candy_a/NTPage.htm

Permission to archive: Yes

Fandom(s): Nip/Tuck

Genre: Slash

Pairing/Characters: Sean/Christian

Rating: FRAO

Summary: Sean and Christian prepare for the holidays, and some fences are mended in the McNamara family.

Warnings: It's slash, folks. And the language is consistent with Nip/Tuck.

Notes: This story only takes into account canon through the Granville Trapp episode. It is a sequel to "Sweet Love."

***********************

WHEN MY HEART FINDS CHRISTMAS

by

Candy Apple

Sean stirred and opened his eyes, still almost startled by Christian's presence in his bed. This facet to their relationship was so new that he was still reeling a little from it. Christian was facing him, on his side, sound asleep. Sean found himself transported back in time to their college days, when he'd occasionally sneak an opportunity to really look at his best friend. He hadn't acknowledged his interest in doing that as anything more than curiosity about another guy who was taller and more "built" than he was. Now he let himself recognize it for the veiled desire it had been, even then. He'd always felt very close to Christian once they became friends, and he'd marveled at his partner's charm and charisma with just about any woman who crossed their path.

He hadn't deluded himself that he wasn't a bit of a nerd in high school and college. As a straight arrow who played by the rules, got good grades, tutored other students, Sean found Christian Troy, a diametric opposite, fascinating. Even as a college student, Christian had the style and panache that made him the center of attention when he walked into a room. Early on, it had felt as if the only reason Christian sought him out, or spent any social time with him was because he needed tutoring, and Sean was good at that. Maybe that's how it did start, but it soon became apparent that Christian valued Sean as much as he did Sean's IQ or his tutoring skills.

Sean sometimes found himself jealous of Christian's women. No matter what they did together, or how hard he tried, he couldn't find anything that excited Christian as much as the pursuit of a woman who caught his eye, and the thrill of the conquest - - most of which he had to listen to in the next bed. At the same time, once they were conquered, most of them were things of the past. Sean lost count of how many came and went (literally) during their college years, but at graduation, the one Christian was celebrating with was Sean.

It still seemed incredible that things had taken the turn they did. That Sean had finally claimed that one last spot in Christian's heart that he'd always wanted, even if he wouldn't let himself believe it. The science nerd who never really did learn to dance all that well was the one he chose over supermodels and porn starlets.

He edged a bit closer, not wanting to wake Christian, but wanting to be near him. He admired the contrast of Christian's striking dark hair, eyebrows, and lashes, the broad shoulders, the long limbs. This year, he'd gotten a remarkable Christmas present - - it was almost enough to make the agnostic in him believe in Christmas miracles.

"Get over here," Christian mumbled, not opening his eyes, but opening his arms.

"How did you know I was awake?" Sean asked, wrapping his arms around Christian and being enveloped in the answering embrace.

"I could feel your eyes drilling a hole in me," Christian teased, kissing Sean's hair as he nestled under Christian's chin. "Mm. This is better."

"Don't get too comfortable. We have to get up in half an hour."

"You had to tell me that?" Christian complained, opening one eye. "Don't look now, Dr. McNamara, but somebody went over you good last night," he said, running fingertips lightly over Sean's neck and shoulder, which sported numerous bright passion marks.

"You might want to think about wearing a tie yourself, Dr. Troy," Sean responded, kissing one of the marks he'd left on Christian the night before. They hadn't gotten any farther than a lot of kissing, licking and a shared hand job, but Sean felt more sated than he had in years. Beyond that, he felt more loved than he had in his entire life.

"It's more fun letting it show and watching everyone try not to look at it. So, are we going to decorate tonight after we pick up Annie?"

"Decorate?"

"For Christmas, Ebenezer."

"I almost forgot," Sean said, smiling. "Matt used to nag me about putting the tree up right after Thanksgiving. I guess he was right. I *am* a grinch."

"Don't let Matty get you down. He'll come around. He's being a little shit right now, but teenagers and professionals at that."

"I miss him, you know? We used to be close, and now he's like a stranger. Worse than a stranger. He hates my guts."

"He doesn't hate you. He just thinks he does."

"That's not much better," Sean responded, snorting.

"Sure it is. When he comes to his senses, he'll realize that you're not Satan, and things will get better."

"Feel any horns up there?" Sean joked, referring to Christian's fingers that were lightly stroking his hair.

"I'd rather look for the tail," he said, moving down for more kisses.

********

Sean pulled into the driveway, behind Christian's car. He'd been held up later than expected with his last consult of the day, so Christian had offered to pick Annie up and bring her back to the house, as his last appointment was finished early that afternoon. Anxious to see his daughter, Sean had a spring in his step as he headed for the door and let himself in. Annie was sitting at the table with Christian, and they were deep in conversation over what appeared to be Annie's math homework.

"Daddy's home," Christian said, the upbeat statement an obvious prod, since Annie didn't appear inclined to jump out of her chair and run to Sean the way she always had before.

"Hi, Daddy," she said, looking up from her homework, but not moving from the table.

"Hey, princess." Sean went over to her and kissed her cheek. "You teaching Uncle Christian some math?" he teased, and she giggled a little at that.

"I hate long division," she said.

"Join the club," Sean replied, pulling up a chair at the table. "Do you two think you'll have this wrapped up pretty soon so we can go out for dinner?"

"We're almost done," Annie said, going back to her work.

"I'll go change," Sean said, noticing Christian's more informal outfit of pants, a t-shirt, and a warm-up jacket. He headed for the bedroom, but not before casting a slightly regretful glance toward Annie, who was engrossed again in her homework. He missed bitterly the little girl who always ran to him like his arrival was the most exciting event in her day. Swallowing that negative thought, he went into the bedroom to change.

Wearing a favorite pair of khakis and a comfortable blue shirt, he returned to the table where Annie was just putting the finishing touches on her homework.

"Any ideas where you'd like to go for dinner, honey?" Sean asked, sitting next to her.

"I don't care," she replied, shrugging.

"How about pizza and a movie? If we get going, we can see that new penguin movie."

"I already saw it. Matt took me. Besides, it's out on DVD now anyway."

"How about the pizza, then? We could put up the Christmas tree when we got home," Christian chimed in, hoping to fuel even a little enthusiasm from her.

"Okay," she agreed, not sounding overly interested in that, either.

"Annie, is there something you want to talk to me about?" Sean asked, knowing the story Matt had told his little sister was with them, like an elephant in the corner of the room everyone was trying unsuccessfully to ignore.

"Did you break Matt's nose?" she asked.

"Yes, I did," Sean responded as directly as she had asked, a little to Christian's surprise. "Did Matt tell you how it happened?"

"He said you got mad at him so you punched him with your fist."

"That's partially true," Sean admitted. "There's a lot more to it than that, princess. It should have never happened. Matt and I both said and did some things that night that made each other very angry, and we both let things get out of hand. I was wrong to hit him. Hitting never solves anything, and I lost control."

"I was there, Annie," Christian said. "What your dad's telling you is the truth. Maybe it was wrong of him to hit Matt, but your brother wasn't completely innocent, either."

"Matt said I shouldn't get you angry or I'd be sorry," she said, looking at Sean almost pleadingly, as if she wanted him to say the right thing to make her feel safe with him again.

"What happened between Matt and me is something very different than what would ever happen between you and me. I love Matt, but there are some very complicated, difficult things going on with us right now. I would never, ever hit you, princess. No matter what you said or did, no matter what happens. I'd do anything in the world for you. You don't ever have to be afraid to tell me anything, or worry what's going to happen if I get angry. I might fly off the handle sometimes, but I promise, I will never, ever hurt you."

"Are you going to make up with Matt?" she asked.

"I'm trying. I hope we can make up soon."

"Me, too," she agreed. "Pizza sounds good," she added, after a short pause.

********

After their meal at Annie's favorite pizza restaurant, they returned home to work on the tree project. Assembling the large, artificial tree went quite quickly, with the untangling and placement of the lights taking considerably longer. While Christian finished working on the lights under Annie's watchful eye, Sean sought out the boxes of ornaments and other decorations they used every year. He ignored the stab of sadness he felt remembering how, just last year, Matt had been the one to bring out the boxes of ornaments, and Julia had kept a steady flow of snacks available to the tree trimmers. There was strife and difficulty in their relationships even then, but they'd manage to make a good holiday of it anyway.

Hearing Christian's laughter from the living room raised his spirits considerably. This might not be the family he was used to, but it was still a family, and he still had Christian. He had Christian in a whole new, more wonderful way. That alone was worth decking a few halls.

"Are we ready for ornaments?" he asked, setting the first two boxes on the floor of the living room.

"Daddy, there's a gap in the lights right there, and Uncle Christian can't fix it," Annie complained.

"I don't see a gap, Sean," Christian said.

"You never do," Sean needled. "Where is it again, honey?" he asked Annie, who pointed it out. Sean worked on it a few moments, tugging the cords this way and that, and finally stepped back, waiting for Annie's verdict.

"See, now it's even," she said to Christian, who looked about to argue, but took the high road and gave up, outnumbered two McNamaras to one Troy.

"Looks great," he said, smiling. Together, they began sorting through the ornaments.

Annie held up a handmade ornament with her own picture glued in the middle. The children in her class had made the ornaments a couple years earlier, and each year, it had a prominent place on the McNamara Christmas tree. "Daddy, can I take this home to put on the tree? Mommy said we'd get a tree this weekend."

Sean stared at her a moment, knowing it was ridiculous to read so much into her words, and to feel so wounded that she wanted her favorite ornament on a tree in Julia's apartment. No, the tree at *home*. Somehow, a subtle shift had taken place, and this was no longer home. Not to Annie, Matt, or Julia. He felt Christian's presence close to him as Christian ostensibly crouched there to get an ornament. The surreptitious hand that rubbed his back gently soothed a little of the hurt, and he smiled.

"Sure, princess, you can put it wherever you like," he responded.

"Mommy likes this one. Can I take it home, too?"

"Annie, why don't you pick out the ornaments you want to take home and put them in this box?" Christian suggested, picking up one of the emptied ornament boxes. "I'm sure your dad doesn't mind if you take a few things back to the apartment to make that tree feel like home, too."

"Okay," she agreed, picking and choosing a few things here and there. Christian took that opportunity to put his arm around Sean's shoulders.

"I love you, don't forget that," he whispered. Sean closed his eyes and soaked up the words and the solace of Christian's physical closeness. "We're going to have a good Christmas."

"I believe that," he replied, smiling at Christian. "I love you, too," he added, keeping his voice low. "Thank you for being here."

Once Annie had chosen a few ornaments to take home, the tree project resumed full swing, and before long, the tree was festively decorated, and the earlier melancholy was replaced with a little holiday spirit. Annie didn't show any signs of being uneasy around Sean, but at the same time, something was missing from their interactions, and Sean felt the disconnection very poignantly. Annie was acting the way she did around company. For the moment, he couldn't feel the bond that had always been there. Despite all the hours he spent working throughout all of Annie's young life, she'd always been thrilled to be with him, and he could see some of himself in her. They'd always had their own special friendship. Now, this wasn't home and she was...distant, thanks to what Matt had told her. He was trying so hard to hang on to this last member of his family, and it felt as if she were literally sliding out of his grasp.

Once Annie had gone to bed, Sean and Christian picked up the debris from the decorating project.

"I guess I should head home," Christian said.

"You could stay," Sean responded.

"What about Annie? I don't think this is a good time to tell her."

"I know," Sean agreed, leaning on the kitchen counter as Christian stood near the door. "We don't have to do anything."

"How do we explain why Uncle Christian and Daddy are sleeping in the same bed?"

"I don't know," Sean said, frustrated.

"Hey, it's just a couple of nights." Christian moved closer and pulled Sean into a hug. "I don't like it, either." The way Sean clung to him unsettled him a little, but then as quickly as the desperate response to his embrace had begun, it was over, and Sean stepped back.

"You're right. You should go home. If you're here, we'll probably end up doing something we shouldn't, and I don't want to risk Annie seeing something she doesn't understand."

"Have a nice time with Annie tomorrow, and call me when you get a chance, okay?"

"You don't want to join us?"

"You two need a little Daddy-daughter time. You just need to find that connection again."

"How'd you get so smart about kids?" Sean asked as Christian headed for the door.

"It's easy for those of us who don't have them to offer advice," he said, smiling a little sadly.

"You have them, Christian. Matt and Annie are *ours*, not mine."

"Call me tomorrow," he said, opening the door.

"Count on it," Sean replied, feeling unreasonably sad at the separation.

Once Christian was gone, Sean put the last of the empty decoration storage boxes in the closet where they were kept. He paused when a cardboard box caught his eye. He pulled it out and opened it, his hand lingering on the bindings of photo albums. Julia had meticulously organized and preserved all the family photos either in frames around the house, or in these albums. So many years of their lives were in those albums, and now it was all reduced to just dead images under clear plastic film.

He pulled one out at random from the middle of the box, and sat cross-legged on the floor with it. Opening it, he found himself looking into the wide, expectant eyes of a three-month-old Annie, in the arms of her seven-year-old brother, under the watchful eye of a much younger, and less beleaguered version of himself. The next photo was Julia with Annie, and then another of the four of them together. He concentrated hard, and then remembered when Christian took that photo. In the next picture, godfather Christian was beaming at his new goddaughter, and Sean was sitting next to him, one hand on Annie, as her pudgy little fingers grasped one of his. He had to smile at the pure joy on the face of the image of him in the picture, and how much Christian and he looked like the proud parents.

It occurred to him then that in all the photos throughout their house, there were almost none of Christian, and none he could think of that showed Christian with him and the kids. He continued flipping through the album, finding many photos that included Christian. Yet Julia had tucked them away in the albums. Why she did that at first eluded him, until he started looking more closely at them.

Every time he was with Christian, they were either touching or close to each other, and in some of the photos, there was such an obvious look of love on one or both of their faces that it outshone the expressions either of them had in any of the other photos. Sean looked at photos of himself with Julia, and while he'd loved her then, and part of him would always love her, the...electricity was in the looks he shared with Christian. Even then. And Julia had buried that look in these albums she knew he never looked at. Christian buried that look with a string of faceless, nameless one-night stands, and Sean buried it by convincing himself that his world hinged on Julia's presence in it. But it never really had. It hinged on his love...his *passion* for the man in these photos.

He pulled out another album, and this one contained many photos of Matt just a few years ago, including some photos of the two of them hamming it up while assembling the Christmas tree. Sean didn't even realize tears were on his face until one dropped onto the pristine clear plastic protecting the photo. It felt too much like a death. The boy in that photo was gone. Matt had killed him and buried him in a shallow grave. The nearly grown man who lived in his place despised Sean and worked at poisoning Annie against him. The sweet-natured boy who loved him, respected him, and cared about him was nothing more than a ghost that haunted his heart, and it felt as if there was no reaching him. If he went to Matt, reached out to him, tried to rebuild their relationship, Matt would throw it back in his face. All he'd see in his son's eyes was a contempt he couldn't bear to see anymore.

He shut the album and set it aside, letting the tears come. Even when he'd learned Matt wasn't biologically his, he hadn't felt this hopeless. At least that boy still loved him, still thought of him as his father, still remained loyal to him despite not sharing his DNA.

The feeling of someone close to him, and small arms going around his neck, startled him. He'd been so wrapped up in his emotions and his thoughts about Matt that he hadn't heard Annie's footsteps as she approached him where he sat on the floor in front of the open closet in the hall.

"Don't cry, Daddy," she said, and Sean pulled her into a hug.

"I just miss Matt, honey. It's okay," he replied, swallowing, not wanting to upset her by making her feel as if he wasn't in control.

"I heard you tell Matt once that it was okay for boys to cry if they felt bad."

"It is," he said, blinking a few times and releasing her a little so they could look at each other. "I didn't mean to wake you up, princess."

"I couldn't sleep anyway," she said. "Why don't you come and visit Matt if you miss him?"

"Matt doesn't want to see me right now."

"Is it because you hurt his nose?"

"That's part of it. Don't worry about it, honey. It'll work out."

"Then why are you so sad?"

"Change is hard sometimes, that's all. I'll be okay. I'm just really happy you're here."

"Would you like me to move back in with you instead of living with Mommy?"

"I want you to be wherever you're happiest, honey. I love having you with me, but I want you to be happy. That's what's most important to me, and I'll still be okay if you want to be with your Mom and Matt. We'll still visit each other."

"Can I call Matt?"

"It's after midnight."

"It's not like he'll be in bed," she protested.

"If you want, go ahead. But don't try to pressure him about seeing me. He'll do that when he's ready."

"I won't. But I wanna talk to him." She got up went very determinedly to the kitchen and picked up the phone, keying in Matt's cell phone number while Sean watched from the doorway, intrigued. "Hi, it's me." She paused. "I'm at Daddy's. I couldn't sleep." She frowned, looking almost annoyed. "No, I don't want you to pick me up." She was positively scowling now, and Sean tried to refrain from grabbing the phone and challenging Matt for what he was saying to upset her. But Annie seemed to be holding her own just fine. "No, he didn't do anything. I called you to tell you that I'm inviting Daddy to the Christmas concert at school, and if you don't like it, you can sit by yourself in the back row." With that, she pressed the button to break the connection, and set the telephone on its cradle. She headed for Sean on a dead run, and he scooped her up like he had so many times.

"I don't want you to feel like you have to take sides, honey," he said, hugging her, trying not to feel as if he had a new lease on life because she'd done just that.

"I'm sorry I wouldn't go out to dinner with you last week," she said, moving back enough to look at her father.

"I'm not angry about that. Our family's gone through a lot of changes, and it's been hard for all of us. It's hard for Matt, too. He's just dealing with it his own way, and sometimes that way is hurtful, but I just want you to know that I love Matt, and I don't want you to feel you have to fight with him or not be close to him like you always have been."

"He said if you came to the concert, he wouldn't. But I want you to come, Daddy. Tori and I are singing a song all by ourselves."

"I'll be right up front with the video camera. You think it would be okay if Uncle Christian came along?"

"Sure. Besides, you don't know how to run the video camera." She paused, grinning as Sean laughed at that very apt observation. "Can we look at the pictures now?"

"Let's take a couple albums into your room, and then if you get tired, you can go to sleep."

"Okay. But I'm not tired."

Annie happily climbed into bed, and stuffed pillows behind her back, while Sean retrieved a few albums and then sat next to her on the bed. Together, they went through some of Annie's baby pictures, then the photos of a Christmas a few years ago, and finally one of the albums Julia had put together with old photos Sean had in a shoe box when they first got married. There were one or two baby pictures of Sean that Annie giggled at, and a rare photo of a three-year-old Sean with both his parents.

"Where is your dad now?" Annie asked.

"I'm not sure, honey. He was living in New England the last time I heard from him. He moved there a few years after the divorce."

"Are you going to move away, now that you and Mommy are divorced?" Annie asked, looking at him with a troubled expression.

"I'm not going anywhere, princess. Your grandfather wanted to change his whole life, and he met someone else, and she wanted to move... It was a whole different situation."

"Do you miss him?"

"I don't think about it very much anymore, but I did for a long time."

"Do you miss Grandma?" Annie asked.

"Sometimes. And your Great Grandma, too," he replied, smiling. "She would have been crazy about you."

"My friend, Juanita, says that her grandma is an angel in heaven who watches over her. Do you think Grandma, and Great Grandma Anne watch over me?" she asked, looking up at Sean, who paused a bit, the question leaving him conflicted between his disinclination to believe in angels and the organized religious concepts of souls of the dead hovering among the living, complete with fluffy wings, and his desire to confirm something that seemed to hold a great appeal to his daughter. Why shouldn't a little girl believe in angels just because her father was too skeptical to believe in much of anything lately?

"A lot of people believe that people they love who have died are angels watching over them. If there's any way for that to happen, your Grandma and Great Grandma Anne would be first in line to watch over you."

That seemed to satisfy Annie, because she smiled and went back to looking through the album, stifling a yawn or two. Before long, she was dozing, and was content to slide down under the covers and go to sleep.

********

After a long day of fighting the Christmas shopping crowds guided by Annie's boundless energy, Sean was more than happy to put his feet up in front of the TV after Annie went to bed. Every year since Annie was old enough to walk, they'd gone Christmas shopping together for Julia's gifts, which was a tradition Annie didn't seem inclined to give up, divorce or not. In the past few years, Annie had become a pretty good gift-buying advisor. She paid attention to little details, and she usually knew what Julia would like, and what she'd smile politely at before shoving it in the back of a drawer.

He'd tried calling Christian a few times, especially to see if he wanted to join them for dinner, but all he'd gotten was voice mail. He tried to shrug off the hobgoblins of insecurity, the images of Christian deciding this was all a huge mistake and spending the day screwing Kimber into the mattress to reassert his manhood. He'd left messages, so Christian knew it wasn't an emergency.

He reached for the phone on the table next to his seat on the couch, but then retracted his hand. He wasn't going to stalk Christian like an urgent teenager pursuing his first romance. He tried to focus on the television, but a combination of fatigue with a dash of paranoia was making it hard for him to concentrate. When the phone finally did ring, he almost jumped off the couch. He picked it up, trying to sound nonchalant.

"Hello."

"It's me. Sorry I missed your message about dinner. I got tied up and time got away from me."

"Annie and I had a nice time. I wasn't too crazy about spending so long in the mall, but it was good to be with her. She invited me to her Christmas concert at school. I guess Matt had put her in the position of choosing one or the other of us, because he told her he wasn't coming if I did."

"Terrific. Well, at least she chose you," Christian said, a knowing smile in his voice.

"You think it's too despicable of me to be glad about that?"

"I'd say it's pretty human. Besides, as long as she made the choice freely, I wouldn't feel guilty about it. Matt'll probably come around faster when he's all by himself carrying this grudge."

"I hope so. What did you do all day?" Sean asked, trying to sound casual.

"Got ready for Christmas. Put my tree up, did some shopping, baked cookies, the usual."

"Asshole," Sean retorted, chuckling.

"Mostly I thought about you."

"Good save," Sean said, laughing. "So now I'm getting a little taste of the famous Troy technique."

"I don't use technique on you, Sean." The reply was soft, the voice full of love. "I miss you."

"I miss you, too. Pretty sappy and ridiculous, huh?"

"Why don't we go out somewhere nice for brunch tomorrow? Just the three of us."

"I'd like that."

"When is Julia picking Annie up?"

"About seven."

"You available about seven-thirty?" Christian asked, the smile back in his voice.

"I think I can pencil you in."

"Eventually, we're going to have to tell at least a few people. I don't want to play this game all the time."

"Neither do I. We will. Everything's so tenuous now...this is the first time I've had a little breakthrough with one of the kids."

"Matt's going to freak out over this. There's no getting away from that."

"I know. I just want to be sure Annie's comfortable with it."

"She's pretty easy going, Sean. She loves both of us."

"I didn't sleep much last night," Sean said. "I kept reaching for you, but no one was there." He hadn't meant to actually tell Christian that. Even for their intense level of trust and intimacy, he felt a little humiliated to need anyone as much as he already needed Christian. The truth was, his body had almost physically ached with the absence of its other half.

"If it helps, my pillows didn't feel half as good as you do when you're asleep in my arms."

Sean smiled at the same time he felt his eyes fill a little. There had been times recently when he doubted anyone would ever feel that intensely about him again.

"You still there?" Christian asked, and it startled Sean back to reality.

"I'm still here."

"Tomorrow night this time, we're going to be making love. And we're going to keep doing it until we're exhausted."

"Promise?"

"I promise. This'll just give us some extra time to plan it."

********

Christian joined Sean and Annie for brunch Sunday morning, and the three of them decided to see a movie together before Sean and Annie returned home to wrap the gifts they'd picked out for Matt and Julia the day before. Sean had visions of Matt tossing the gift back in his face, but it still seemed inconceivable not to buy his son a gift for Christmas. He hoped the part of Matt that would be thrilled with the portable DVD player he'd been talking about for months would win out over the part of him that seemed to have bottomless contempt for Sean.

For most of their married life, Sean had given Julia her favorite perfume for Christmas, and usually a nice piece of jewelry. He stuck to the perfume idea, and let Annie guide him in picking out a pair of gold earrings they both agreed would look good on Julia. Annie had decided her mother needed a journal to write in, and had sought just the right one with single-minded determination. It seemed like an odd choice to Sean, since Julia had never written in a diary or journal that he knew of, but Annie did, and she seemed convinced her mother should, too. She'd picked out a DVD for Matt to go with his new player.

By the time Julia arrived to pick her up, Annie had her wrapped packages in a shopping bag and was wreathed in smiles about her visit with her father.

"Annie, why don't you go get your things. I need to talk to Daddy for a minute."

"Okay," she agreed, and hurried off to her room to get her overnight bag.

"Matt told me Annie called him after midnight on Friday with an ultimatum about the Christmas show at Annie's school."

"That's right."

"I can't believe you," she said, shaking her head. "I know you're upset with Matt for trying to turn Annie against you, but I never thought you'd stoop so low as to put her up to telling off her own brother."

"Daddy didn't put me up to it, Mommy," Annie said, coming back into the kitchen with her bag. "Matt's being mean to Daddy, and he's making him sad, and I want Daddy to come to the concert to see me do my song with Tori."

"I didn't ask her to call Matt, Julia. I wouldn't do that. I told Annie that I still love Matt very much, and that things will work out," Sean said, touching the back of Annie's head lightly. "Annie knows I don't want her to argue with Matt about this, but she has a right to her own opinions."

"Say goodbye to Daddy, honey. We've got to go," Julia said, still eyeing Sean suspiciously.

"Mommy, I want to spend Christmas here with Daddy," she stated, and it was debatable who looked more shocked - - Julia or Sean.

"But we were going to have a big breakfast and open our presents Christmas morning - - "

"Then Daddy can come over."

"Maybe Daddy has other plans," Julia said, looking pointedly at Sean.

"I was going to spend Christmas with Uncle Christian, but we'd both love to be with Annie - - and you and Matt." Not wanting to make the situation too tenuous, he added, "You could celebrate with Matt and Mommy in the morning like you planned, and you could all come over later. Maybe we could have dinner, open a few more presents..."

"We'll see," Julia responded. She ushered Annie out the door, but not before their daughter gave Sean a hug and kiss goodbye. "We'll talk more later," she said as they left. Even the implication of further arguing with Julia couldn't dampen his spirits. He had reconciled with Annie, and Christian would be over in less than thirty minutes. Life just couldn't get much better.

He went into the bedroom and pulled the small gift bag out of the dresser drawer, carefully moving the tissue paper he'd tucked in the top of it to examine the contents again. He could feel himself blushing just looking at it, and he hoped he'd have the nerve to present it to Christian on Christmas Eve. Replacing the tissue, he went into the bathroom to shower and change.

********

Julia had been surprisingly nice about Sean's and Christian's attendance of the Christmas concert at Annie's school, even though she still harbored suspicions that Sean had put Annie up to her defiance of her older brother's ultimatum. She agreed to save them seats in the row near the front where she sat, waiting for the concert to begin. Once they'd taken their seats in the school's auditorium, Sean leaned over to whisper to her.

"You only saved two seats. Where's Matt? He didn't seriously make good on his threat?"

"He said he wouldn't be here if you were, and he's not. I'm not sure what you expected, Sean."

"I expected he was better than that. None of what's going on with us has anything to do with Annie. Except for the fact he's trying to twist her relationship with both of us. Don't think I'm the only one getting a bad rap. You just don't know it yet."

"You got your way. She chose you over Matt, so what more do you want?"

"I didn't want that, and you know it. I wanted Matt to be man enough to put his sister's feelings above his own."

"Apparently Matt's only concerned with his own feelings. I wonder where he gets that?" she retorted, turning away to face straight ahead.

"Matt's not coming?" Christian whispered to Sean.

"Doesn't look like it. I should have backed off and stayed out of here."

"Annie wanted you here. She made her choice, Sean, without you pressuring her, and whether Matt likes it or not. Just enjoy the moment. It's not every night you get to hear your 10-year-old singing 'Santa Baby,'" Christian said, checking the concert's small paper program.

"I had hoped to go through all of fatherhood without hearing that," Sean joked, smiling.

"It's not *what* she sings. It's *that* she sings, right?" Christian asked, getting out the small digital video camera he'd purchased for just such occasions. Sean had never bonded with that particular gadget, and he didn't seem to have the time or the patience to learn about downloading and syncing and uploading and printing and saving on video or DVD. When Christian showed up at key McNamara events with some kind of digital video or camera item, it invariably got Sean's fat out of the fire for not having that base covered himself.

"Do you have a clear shot?" Sean asked, leaning toward Christian to see what his line of vision was like.

"You smell good," Christian said in a low voice.

"Knock it off," Sean retorted.

"Maybe we ought to use this in the bedroom sometime."

"If you give me a hard-on at my daughter's Christmas concert, I'll kill you."

"I would never dream of discussing sex at an inappropriate time," Christian replied. "You do know that when you dropped your program on the way in and had to bend over to pick it up, I was right behind you."

"Stop it."

"I think one would fit perfectly in each hand. I could have just reached out and grabbed - - "

"You're a dead man," Sean whispered through clenched teeth.

"I can't help it if I have the hots for your hot body, sweetheart," Christian quipped.

"If you don't behave yourself, I'm taking the red bag back."

"Over my dead body."

"I could arrange that."

"Nobody else would ever tickle that little spot right behind your nuts while he's sucking you off quite the way I do, darling," Christian teased, grinning and batting his eyes at Sean.

"You're a hopeless prick. You know that, right?" he asked, laughing softly.

"You're laughing. I don't see enough of that."

"I've got more reasons to smile lately," Sean replied, letting his knee bump Christian's thigh briefly. An innocent nudge to the casual observer, though there was little innocent about it.

Annie's and Tori's performance was not going to propel them to Carnegie Hall anytime soon, but they did a cute version of the song, and the proud parents of both girls captured the event on video, and cheered loudly for their children. The rest of the program was well put together for a concert featuring school children, but none of the adults seemed to regret it when it was over.

The children rejoined their parents for the punch and cookies that followed, and Annie greeted all three of her parents warmly and excitedly. She was dressed up in a sparkly red dress with a matching feather boa, the outfit she'd worn for her performance that matched the dress her friend, Tori, wore.

"You were great, honey," Julia said. "All that practicing you and Tori did really paid off."

"Did you like it, Daddy?" Annie asked.

"You were fantastic, princess. I'm so proud of you."

"I have it all on camera," Christian said. "I wouldn't want to let the moment pass without catching it on video."

"I think we should all go out and celebrate," Sean suggested. "How about ice cream?"

"Can we?" Annie asked Julia, who didn't look thrilled by the suggestion, but went along with Annie's enthusiasm.

"Sure, honey. But it's a school night, so we can't stay out much later," she added.

The four of them stopped at a restaurant nearby and ordered desserts. Annie was having the time of her life, having both parents and her godfather all in one spot to celebrate her performance.

"Everybody's invited to your place for dinner and presents Christmas Day, right?" Christian asked Sean, bumping his knee under the table. He knew Sean wasn't about to bring it up, and it would be harder for Julia to refuse when it was discussed under these circumstances.

"We can go, right, Mommy?"

"Sure, Annie. We'll be done with our Christmas celebration by then," she conceded, forcing a friendly smile.

"Be sure Matt knows he's welcome," Sean spoke up. "This is craziness. It's Christmas. We should be able to bury the hatchet for one day."

"I'll tell him, but I doubt he'll come," Julia said.

********

When Christian arrived at the door Christmas Eve, he was surprised at just how anxious he was to see Sean. It wasn't as if they'd been separated for days. It hadn't even been that many *hours* since they'd seen each other, but it had been way too long since they made love, and definitely too long since he'd felt Sean's warm body pressing against his in bed at night. Julia had asked Sean if Annie could stay with him for two nights while she attended a couple of holiday parties, since Matt wasn't always home in the evenings, and he had willingly agreed. Sean and Christian planned to tell Annie when the time was right, but there was enough animosity with Matt and strain with Julia that now was not that time.

Sean must have been similarly anxious to see Christian, because he answered the door in record time. Christian didn't plan to waste the moment on awkwardness or amenities. He pulled Sean into his arms and began devouring his mouth with overwhelming passion that was returned full force.

"I missed you," Christian confessed willingly, looking into Sean's eyes.

"I missed you, too. A lot more than I should have," Sean added, smiling. "What's in the bag?" he asked. Christian had almost forgotten the shopping bag that was sitting by the door.

"Your Christmas present. I thought you could open it tonight, when it's just us."

"That's a coincidence," Sean said. "I have something for you, too."

"You don't have to wrap it," Christian teased, kissing him again before grabbing the shopping bag and heading into the living room. A moment later, Sean joined him, carrying a small red gift bag.

"You want some egg nog?"

"You have egg nog?" Christian asked, stunned.

"Annie wanted some, so we got some at the store yesterday." Sean poured some in two mugs, then sprinkled them with nutmeg.

"You have *nutmeg*? Why, Sean, you're going to make me a fine little wife after all," Christian teased.

"Don't push your luck," Sean replied, handing him one of the mugs and sitting next to him on the couch. "Annie informed me that you can't drink egg nog without nutmeg. Apparently it's toxic if it's plain," he added, taking a sip.

"So who goes first?" Christian asked, gesturing at the two gifts that sat on the floor near the couch.

"You. Before I lose my nerve," he added, looking genuinely nervous. He got up and retrieved the little red bag, handing it to Christian.

"Now you've really got me curious," Christian said, removing the tissue paper. When he saw what was in the bag, he understood Sean's jitters.

"Don't be disappointed. I got you a real present," Sean said, inclining his head toward the tree and the array of packages there, trying to sound as if he were joking, but it fell flat.

"I don't know what to say," Christian said, looking a the small tube of lubricant and the box of condoms.

"If you don't want to do that, I'll understand." Sean was silent a moment. "I wanted you to know that...I want you to make love to me that way."

"How could you think this wasn't a real present?" Christian asked, feeling a slight lump in his throat. He was amazed at what Sean was offering him, and his heart ached that Sean could ever think it was less meaningful than some store bought item under the tree.

"After I did it, I thought maybe I'd be pushing you..." He hesitated. "...that you might not want me that way and this would push you into something..."

Christian took Sean's face in his hands and looked in his eyes. "I want you in every way that one human being can want another. Is that clear enough?"

"That pretty well covers it, yeah," he replied, smiling, though his eyes were filling at the same time.

"I love you. And I love this," Christian said, holding up the bag. "What makes you think that you aren't the best gift I could get?"

"I'm glad you feel that way, because it's too late to get a refund."

"I thought about making love to you that way. I thought about it the first night we were together. I wasn't sure how you'd feel about it, and I didn't feel right about asking, because I don't know if I can ever reciprocate."

"There aren't any strings with this, Christian. You don't 'owe' me anything." Sean paused. "Are you still having pain?" he asked softly.

"It's still there," Christian admitted, not quite meeting Sean's eyes. "I know you said there wasn't anything there, but that doesn't change how I feel."

"I don't want you to be in pain," Sean said, taking Christian's hand. "Certainly not because of anything we do. Don't close your mind to seeing someone. Not so we can have sex that way, but so you can feel good again."

"I have this feeling that when they finally catch the Carver, it'll make a big difference. There's always this vague fear in the back of my mind that he's going to show up again. Maybe it makes me afraid to recover, because I'll just do that, and he'll show up again."

"I won't let that happen."

"You won't, huh?" Christian repeated, smiling.

"I'm serious. This stupid shit of hiding our relationship and sleeping apart is going to come to an end. I have a gun. If he shows up again, I'll blow his fucking balls off before he gets near you."

"You can't protect me 24/7, even though I love the thought that you want to."

"You'd be surprised what I can do."

"I already have been a few times in the last week or so," Christian quipped.

"I'm not joking."

"I know you aren't. Do you think the timing is right to 'come out' now?"

"I don't know. I just know that I'm already sick of the charade."

"Let's put this discussion on hold for a while," Christian suggested. "You know, your gift could work very well with my gift," Christian said, delighted at how this little gift exchange was going so far. He pulled out the large wrapped box and handed it to Sean.

Sean tore open the gift with enthusiasm, which made Christian smile. He rarely saw an excited, almost child-like reaction from Sean on much of anything anymore, but this was an exception. Sean lifted the lid of the box and pushed the tissue paper aside.

"It's beautiful, Christian, but I don't think I'll have much occasion to wear it," he said, pulling the heavy blue velour robe out of the box. A white envelope fell out in Sean's lap. He laid the robe back in the box carefully, and Christian took it out of his way for a moment while he opened the envelope. Inside were two plane tickets and an online reservation confirmation for a vacation house in Aspen, Colorado for a week that began with the New Year's holiday. "I can't ski," Sean said, frowning.

"Neither can I. But the scenery is beautiful, there's an outdoor hot tub, and we'd be away from everyone for a week."

"Aspen in January?"

"Roaring fires, comforters, the need for body heat to stay warm..." Christian held up the red bag. "Privacy."

"We'd have to shut down the practice for a week."

"Are you always this romantic?" Christian teased, but he regretted it when Sean's expression clouded almost immediately.

"No, I guess I'm not romantic at all." He smiled. "Julia was right."

"This from the man who put this little red bag together?" Christian kissed Sean's cheek. "I'm teasing you. I've cleared our calendars so we can spend a week just enjoying each other. If we go somewhere else, we'll be inspired to go out and do things. With all that snow, we'll be more inspired to stay in and make love all the time."

"I'm liking the sound of this more and more," Sean agreed, smiling. "Almost seems like a honeymoon," he quipped, but Christian thought he detected some definite fishing in the comment.

"I thought so, too," he said, pulling Sean into an embrace. "How would you feel about it if it was?"

"I'd feel really good about it, but a little nervous about it, too."

"Why?" When an answer wasn't forthcoming, Christian tightened his hold a little. "Why would you be nervous?" he asked gently.

"Just that someday you'd wake up and realize what you were missing."

"I realized that this morning, when I woke up and you weren't in bed with me. I always want you in my bed, and in my life."

"I feel the same," Sean agreed, pulling back a little. "I love the vacation idea. I love *you*," he added, kissing Christian with enthusiasm.

With the gifts forgotten on the floor, they shifted positions on the couch so they could lie there together, kissing and slowly undressing each other. The pressure of their bodies against each other was frustrating and exciting at the same time.

"When I was a teenager, I hated this," Christian said before moving in for another kiss.

"You hated making out?" Sean asked, as soon has his mouth was no longer occupied.

"Rubbing against each other and just making out without sticking my dick in something." Christian paused, smiling at Sean. "But with you, I just can't get enough of it. The way I feel about you scares me a little."

"Like maybe it's too much to feel for just one person?" Sean asked, and Christian nodded, closing his eyes, surprised, and yet not, that Sean summed up his feelings to completely in just a few simple words. Their clothes were uncomfortably tangled half on and half off, the couch was too narrow to allow them the kind of motion they really needed, and they were aroused but not moving toward any particular conclusion. Yet neither of them was willing to give up the slightly too warm, cramped, uncomfortable closeness.

"Now just picture a fire crackling in a fireplace, cold winter winds blowing outside, a big old bed with a comforter, and no reason to leave the house."

"Stop right there. Otherwise, I'll want to *move* to Aspen," Sean joked, pulling Christian closer for more kisses.

********

At two o'clock sharp on Christmas Day, Julia arrived with both Matt and Annie in tow. She added a green bean casserole to the food assembled for dinner, most of which had been prepared at a nearby deli that sold holiday meal packages to those disinclined to make them from scratch. Matt was carrying a bag that held some wrapped packages, which he set with his usual disinterest near the tree. Annie gave him a look, then took the packages out of the bag and put them under the tree, adding them to the ones already there.

"I'm glad you came, Matt," Sean said, handing him a glass of egg nog.

"It was important to Annie," Matt responded, taking the drink.

"It doesn't matter why you're here. I'm glad you made it, anyway." He patted Matt's shoulder before leaving him be, trying to avoid coming on too strong or looking too desperate. Either would be sure to turn Matt off, or evoke an even more surly, negative reaction.

The group gathered around the table for dinner, and even with the numerous tensions in the air between them, it still felt right for the holiday. They'd all come together every Christmas in some way or another, and some traditions weren't meant to be broken.

"The turkey's really good, Daddy. Did you cook it by yourself?" Annie asked.

"I had some help," Sean said, chuckling. Catching Christian's raised eyebrow, he admitted, "Okay, a lot of help."

"Uncle Christian made the turkey?" Annie asked.

"More like Uncle Deli," Matt added, and Annie giggled. "But nice job putting it on the plate, Dad," he quipped. Sean laughed at the joke, since it was the first remark Matt had made that had his usual teasing tone, and didn't sound quite so contemptuous.

"I dished up the potatoes," Christian objected. "And I microwaved the gravy."

"I hate that we put you to all this trouble," Julia teased, smiling.

"I didn't think you'd want me to do the turkey," Sean replied.

"Just because the last one you did was still frozen in the middle?" she asked. "You meant well," she conceded.

"If Christian hadn't kept telling me I was going to burn it, it would have been fine."

"So the frozen turkey is my fault now?" Christian protested.

"When did we have a frozen turkey?" Annie asked, laughing.

"Your mom was pregnant with you, and she wasn't feeling good, so I offered to do the turkey."

"And I helped," Christian said.

"I didn't realize how long it took to cook it through, and every time I turned up the temperature on the oven, Christian kept telling me I was going to dry it out."

"The outer edges were kind of done, but we couldn't carve the center," Julia explained.

"Dad went out and got McDonald's instead - - they were the only place open," Matt added, laughing. "I thought it was pretty cool, having cheeseburgers for Christmas dinner."

The rest of the meal passed with pleasant conversation and reminiscences of old times, a subject that seemed somewhat safe among even a potentially volatile combination of people. After dinner, they moved to the living room to open gifts. Sean did his best to enjoy every second of Annie's unbridled enthusiasm for her gifts. She was growing up quickly, and before long, much of her childlike wonder about Christmas, or much of anything else, for that matter, would wane. Julia seemed pleased with her gifts, while Sean and Christian exchanged less personal items than they had the night before. Matt opened his gift from Sean, and seemed genuinely stunned to find the portable DVD player.

"This is a nice one," he said, checking out the features listed on the box.

"Annie helped me pick it out," Sean admitted, exchanging a smile with his conspirator. "Is it what you wanted?"

"Uh, yeah, this is great," he said. There was a long pause. "I didn't get you anything."

Sean wasn't really surprised by the admission, but it still hurt, which he was sure was Matt's original intent. The fact it seemed to bother Matt now assuaged a little of the pain.

"You knew we were going to exchange gifts today, Matt," Christian said, packing up the shirt Matt had given him and handing it back to him. "If you didn't bring a gift for everyone, you can hold onto this until my birthday." There wasn't hostility in the tone, but it was a firm enough statement that it left Matt staring at the box, stunned.

"Christian, come on, that's not necessary," Sean said. "I'm sure Matt wasn't expecting a gift from me, since we've...had a few issues between us we haven't settled yet. I surprised him, that's all."

"Uncle Christian's right. I didn't get you anything on purpose. It seemed like the thing to do at the time," Matt said, setting the returned gift aside. "You should take this back," he held out the DVD player box at Sean.

"I'm not taking your gift back, Matt. I want you to have it. No strings attached."

"I don't feel right about taking it."

Sean smiled, deeply moved that Matt actually seemed to see something wrong with his behavior, and genuinely regretted it.

"If you're worried about offending me, I'm going to be more offended if you don't take it, use it, and enjoy it. You can get me two presents for my next birthday. You'll just owe me one."

"Looks like you've still got my back, Dad," Matt said.

"I always will, Matt. You're my - - you're *our* son," he said, glancing at Christian. "Do you think that's going to be destroyed over one missed Christmas present?"

"I guess not," he said, smiling a little.

"You could still give me a Christmas present. Even the score so you aren't behind the eight ball for my birthday," Sean said, standing and walking over to where Matt was sitting. He extended his hand. "Fresh start for the new year?" He watched Matt closely, fearing for a moment he'd pushed things too far, too fast. But Matt stood slowly and then shook his hand.

"I can try that," he said, still not quite ready to give up all of his bluster and bravado.

"I couldn't ask for a better present than that," Sean said. He'd resisted the impulse to hug his son, not wanting to overwhelm him, but Matt almost seemed to move toward him, almost imperceptibly. Sean took the chance and hugged him. When it was returned, it was all he could do not to lose his grip on his emotions, but he wanted to keep this moment upbeat and cheerful. He gave Matt one final tight squeeze and moved back. "I'm sorry for the things I said and did that hurt you. That was the last thing I ever wanted to do."

"Yeah, well, I gave you a pretty hard time, too," Matt admitted.

"Go give Christian his shirt back, and let's have some dessert. I rented a couple Christmas movies. Annie, you want to pick out what you want to see?"

"Okay," she agreed readily, going to the television where the DVD's were sitting.

After a year that had been anything but normal, it felt good to sit around as a family and do something so incredibly normal as eat pie and watch Christmas movies together. Sean wondered how the family would hold together under the strain and surprise of the next major revelation in their lives, but for now, he allowed himself to relax, enjoy the innocent-appearing proximity of Christian next to him on the couch, and savor the spirit of the holiday.

********

THE END

(until next time...)