Priceless

by

Candy Apple

"Hey, Ellison, you got a minute?" Ed Ryan from Vice motioned to Jim as he walked down the hall toward the bullpen. It was mid-morning on a Friday, and Jim was looking forward to wrapping up some last minute paperwork before cutting out early for a long weekend.

"Just about. What's up?" He stopped, moving his attention from the file he'd been skimming as he walked to the man standing in front of him.

"There's someone waiting in Interrogation, right down the hall. Look, I'm going to give you the paperwork, and you can lose it if you want. I owe you one after you pulled my fat out of the fire last year when the Stanton bust went bad."

"What's this about?" Jim flipped open the new folder, and frowned when he saw Blair's name there.

"Well, we raided a porno film studio this morning, and what do we find but a scene being set up with a sixteen-year-old girl and your friend, Sandburg--both of them wearing nothing but their smiles."

"That's impossible. You're sure it's Sandburg?"

"He's right down the hall. See for yourself. I'll wait to hear from you."

"The girl's underage?" Jim contemplated how much more serious the charges could be under those circumstances.

"Her parents are on their way here. That's why I brought Romeo upstairs."

"Lose it."

"Will do." The other man nodded, and headed down the hall, leaving Jim with the only surviving record of Blair's involvement, and the man himself.

Jim walked down to the interrogation room and after pausing at the door, pushed it open. It was Blair all right, dressed in blue bathrobe, shivering slightly in the cool room.

"You want to explain this one, Chief?" Jim tossed the folder on the table, swinging the door hard enough to make it slam loudly, causing Blair to lurch a little in his chair.

"Jim... I swear to God I didn't know that girl was underage."

"What were you doing in a porno studio?" Jim demanded, leaning on both hands, glowering unmercifully at his shivering partner. He refused to feel sorry for Sandburg, even if he was nearly naked and barefoot and shivering.

"I thought I was doing an art film," Blair muttered under his breath.

"An art film? Sandburg, don't hand me that shit. You're not that naive."

"I must be. I ended up there, didn't I?" Blair shot back. "Do you really think I'd sign up to do a porno flick with a sixteen-year-old?"

"Not until now, no."

"You've got to believe me, man. I didn't know she wasn't 18."

"She's lying there naked and you couldn't figure it out?"

"I didn't ask her for ID. Shit, Jim, 16, 18--the differences aren't always that discernible."

"How did you get into this? Answer me that."

"A friend of mine at the U said that he heard about this guy who was an independent film maker--a grad student at Washington State--and that he was looking for new talent to do an art film--that there was some nudity involved, but that it would pay really well."

"That makes all the difference." Jim snorted an ugly laugh, shaking his head. "As long as you're well paid, what's a little nudity, huh?"

"It wasn't like that."

"Then you tell me how the hell it was!" Jim bellowed back, leaning on the edge of the table near Blair, the air from his words actually stirring a few wild strands of Blair's hair.

"That's what I'm trying to do!" Blair shouted back, not flinching from Jim's display of temper.

"Don't you give me fucking attitude, Sandburg. You see that folder there? If I turn that over to booking, you're in deep shit. So right now it's up to you to give me a good reason not to fry your ass and send you up for this."

"I thought maybe the fact we're friends might work," Blair said tightly, pinning Jim with a resentful glare.

"I'm not in the habit of overlooking criminal conduct in my friends, Sandburg."

"No, I wouldn't expect you would," Blair responded, his voice softer now. "I meant that I thought maybe by now, after all the time you've known me, you might have enough faith in me to know that this isn't something I'd be involved in."

"You were naked on a bed with this girl when the cops showed up. You were involved."

"We were naked, but nothing happened. When the guy who was directing the thing started telling me about what he wanted me to do, it didn't sound like art--I knew I'd been had. I don't think Trina knew any better."

"Trina?"

"The girl. We had talked about being a little nervous, the fact we hadn't done anything like this before...joked about earning some extra money--I swear, Jim, I didn't know what kind of movie it really was."

"So what kind of art film did you think it was?"

"Something that highlighted the human body, something that featured a lot of unique camera angles--"

"Most porno flicks do."

"Do you want me to answer you or do you just want to chew on my ass? Because if that's all you want, I'll save my breath and you can just carry on without me."

"Blair, you ended up in a very bad situation here. I don't know yet exactly how we're going to cover this one up. The guy who arrested you gave me the file," Jim shook his head. "They're going to be looking for the co-star. Do you have any idea how much...shit I'm going to have to go through to get you out of this without a record? Without being booked and tossed in a holding cell with a bunch of Cascade's petty criminals wearing nothing but your robe there?"

"I don't know what you want me to say, Jim," Blair said tiredly, running a hand over his face. "I didn't mean to get involved in something like this."

"What ever possessed you to get involved in naked art movies anyway?"

"I have some debts I need to pay off."

"Debts? Like what? Tuition? Credit cards? What?"

"An old student loan I'm still paying on, two credit cards, the cost of a whole stack of research supplies for a project I lost funding for, the fact the Volvo needs about a thousand bucks worth of work on it...plus a few other assorted bills for stuff I picked up that I planned to get reimbursed by the U for--not to mention the fact I have a grand total of five bucks in my wallet."

"All that adds up to starring in nude films? Geez, Sandburg, I suppose getting a normal job hadn't crossed your mind."

"Oh, that's good, Jim." Blair got up now himself and drew his robe tightly around his body. "You ever tried publicly declaring yourself a fraud and then going out job hunting?"

"You had a job offer right here."

"And I turned it down for some damn good reasons, man. I am not a cop. I seem to remember Simon delighting in reminding me of that almost daily since I showed up here. But you know what? I don't want to be. I wanted to be with you, to be your partner--but I can't do it that way. I told you when we first paired up that I wouldn't carry a gun, and my feelings on that never changed. Now I know that sounds like so much flower child bullshit to you, but it's important to me. It's part of who I am. And despite the fact I can't get a decent job in this area--hell, probably not a good one anywhere in the country right now--I do still have one or two principles left."

"And doing a naked movie doesn't interfere with those? You can't carry a gun but you can do nude scenes in a film?"

"There's no relationship between those two things. Nudity for the sake of art is a far cry from doing skin flicks, and it sure as hell has nothing to do with my feelings on firearms." Blair sighed. "I could have declared bankruptcy--which is probably what I'll end up doing-- but I had hoped to avoid that, since it really trashes your credit rating. This seemed like an easy way out. I should have known there is no such thing, but I guess I was a little desperate."

"This is getting us nowhere." Jim started pacing again. "I need to go see Simon. Better yet, we need to go see Simon."

"I'm wearing a bathrobe, Jim."

"I don't care if you're wearing an evening gown!" Jim shot back. "You're lucky I don't drag your ass through the bullpen buck naked. Since you're so goddamn fond of showing off the merchandise."

"I was thinking more that it would be a little hard for you to explain to everyone if you plan to cover this up. But thanks for your sensitivity anyway." Blair narrowed his eyes at Jim a bit. "You know, for a Vice cop who's seen every kind of depravity in action, you're making a hell of a big thing out of a little nudity, man."

"So now you like making dirty movies and posing nude?"

"That's a low blow, Jim. No, I don't like it. But I don't like losing my car and my credit rating either. I don't like having to explain myself to every asshole I interview with. This guy hired me no questions asked--he didn't care what I was or who I was. Yeah, it made me feel pretty degraded to lie there naked in a room full of people and be told what kind of positions to get into. Put yourself in my place. Shit, Jim, I made what's called a mistake. Now I know that concept is a little difficult for you to understand because you're so goddamn perfect!" Blair snapped back. Jim opened his mouth and then closed it again, his whole body reverberating with suppressed anger. Instead of the tirade Blair expected, only one controlled word came out of his mouth.

"Stay." Jim pointed a finger at Blair, who pinned him with a fiery, angry glare.

"I am not your damn dog."

"I'm going to talk to Simon. Without his cooperation, we're screwed." Jim left the room with no further comment.

********

Blair pulled the collar of the robe up to his neck as he sat in the chair. His feet were almost numb from the cold, and he was shivering. That his life had ended up in this kind of mess left him stunned...and sickened. He'd gone from being a promising grad student and scholar to being a naked piece of meat in a dirty movie. To sitting around a cop shop naked except for a cheap bathrobe some porno movie maker had lying around.

In all the months since the press conference, Blair had never once allowed himself to wallow in self-pity. He'd freely chosen to give everything up for Jim, to do what was right, to save the person he loved more than he'd ever loved anyone else. Even now, knowing how wretched his life would become, he didn't regret that choice. He would have died for Jim in a heartbeat. Giving up his career was a sacrifice he made without a second thought.

Still, it didn't ease the pain and degradation of ending up in this situation, in debt up to his ass and selling that ass to pay them off. Who was he kidding, anyway? Did he really think some film student was going to pay $2,000 for a couple afternoons of work? And even if he did, how many more of these "art projects" would Blair have had to participate in to pay off all his debts? To support himself for more than a few weeks? And on top of all that, what was Jim going to say when he knew the whole truth? If he was this angry now, just barely pulling himself back from the brink of handing Blair over for arrest, how would he cope with the rest of the story?

He fought the lump that rose in his throat, and cursed the tears that sprang to his eyes and started to fall. This wasn't the time or the place for this, and the last thing he wanted to do was lose whatever minute shred of dignity he might still have in front of Jim. Jim who had been less than sympathetic--but then, as ridiculous as this was, and as much trouble as it would cause him to cover it up, not to mention how completely against Jim's nature it was to do so, Blair didn't really blame him.

Sitting in the interrogation room, looking around his miserable surroundings and feeling about as stripped of his dignity as he thought was possible, Blair put his head down on his folded arms on the table and gave in to his tears. He'd managed to humiliate himself this much so far--what were a few tears added to the whole package?

********

Jim headed down the hall toward the room where he'd left Blair, carrying a suit of sweats and some socks he'd taken out of his locker and a cup of hot coffee. In the time it had taken him to get Blair's fat out of the fire, he'd had an opportunity to analyze why he was playing bad cop with the man who'd just sacrificed everything for him. It had precious little to do with not believing Blair's story, and it wasn't even some Victorian moral outrage that Blair had dared to flaunt his body in front of others.

It was jealousy, plain and simple. Someone else was going to be ogling Blair's naked body for cheap thrills when all Jim wanted to do was make love to that body in the privacy of their home. Having feelings deeper than friendship where Blair was concerned was nothing new, but after the press conference, after seeing the depth of Blair's love for him, it had become almost an obsession. Acting on it would mean turning their whole world upside down, and maybe ending their friendship. So he'd stayed in this inert state waiting for some cue to make a move, and now this.

What he wanted so badly had been destined to be put on film between Blair and some high school girl for the perverse amusements of a bunch of degenerates who ran their VCR remotes with one hand while the other was down their pants. At least, if nothing else, Vice had shown up before the tape rolled.

A few feet from the room, Jim slowed his gait and then stopped. Opening up his hearing, he picked up on the sounds of Blair crying. Feeling about three feet tall for playing hardball with Sandburg when he was probably at the lowest point of his professional life and had ended up in a bad situation, Jim took a deep breath and walked into the room, closing the door behind him.

Blair's head rose from his folded arms, and he wiped at his eyes, sitting back in the chair.

"I brought you these." Jim set the sweats on the corner of the table near Blair. "And this." He placed the coffee in front of his partner. Blair regarded the two items with red, wet eyes and then looked back up at Jim.

"Now what?" he asked, his voice rough with the emotion he was working to contain.

"We go upstairs and you make a statement."

"You're arresting me then?" Blair asked, wiping his eyes with his hand, sniffling loudly. He wasn't looking to Jim for pity. He just looked defeated, tired, and small sitting there. Blair wasn't tiny or delicate or little, but somehow, bundled up in that bathrobe, hair hanging loose and wild, face wet with tears, he looked the part of a whipped puppy. Now that Jim really analyzed it, Blair's face was thinner than usual, and the wrists that extended out under the sleeves of the robe were smaller than they used to be. Blair had been growing despondent and stressed out, not eating like his old self, and now this...

"No, Chief. I'm not arresting you. You were undercover." Jim sat in the chair across the corner of the table from Blair's. "Drink some of this." At the same time, he took out his handkerchief and handed it to Blair.

"Thanks." Blair used it to wipe off his face, then took a drink of coffee, even though his hand shook a bit holding the cup.

"When the guy offered you big money to go do a naked art film, you were suspicious, so you came to me about it. I suggested you accept the offer and see what was up. You were going to get yourself out of the scene there on some excuse of needing to use the bathroom before they started taping, and then you were going to call me from your cell phone so I could bring in the cops. But Vice obviously was already onto this guy."

"Aren't you going to get in trouble for this?"

"No more than a couple stern words from Simon about going solo without his permission, maybe some sort of lecture on interdepartmental communication from the Vice captain. Nothing they won't chalk up to a brief reappearance of the Ellison they all knew and loved from my Vice days. You just have to make a statement to that effect, and I'll take you home."

"I'm really sorry about this."

"Okay, so you were a little stupid thinking you'd make big money on an art film. I don't think you were intentionally signing up to do skin flicks."

"I'm glad. I wouldn't do something like..." Blair looked away miserably. "Who'm I trying to kid? I'm not so stupid I honestly believed it was on the up and up. I was scared, man. Everything I owe is so overdue it isn't even funny, and my mechanic told me I shouldn't even drive the Volvo very far 'til I get it fixed..."

"You could have come to me."

"And said I needed a few thousand bucks to tide me over?"

"I would have helped you out the best I could." Jim pushed the clothes a little closer to Blair. "Put these on. You're shivering."

Blair sniffled again and looked at the offered clothing, and then stood up. His back turned a bit to Jim, he pulled on the sweatpants which pooled in a couple of wrinkles on the floor since they accommodated Jim's long legs, and then he laid the robe on the table and pulled the shirt over his head. Sitting back in the chair, he put on the socks, then reached for the robe and put it back around his shoulders.

"Take a couple more drinks of your coffee." Jim watched as Blair followed orders somewhat like a robot, setting the almost empty cup back on the table.

"I'm so damn cold," Blair rubbed his arms furiously. "Thanks for bringing me something."

"Took me long enough. I'm sorry, Chief. I shouldn't have left you in here that long with nothing."

"You were pissed off at me."

"Yeah, I was, but you deserved humane treatment, and it's cold in here." Jim reached over and laid a hand on Blair's arm. "Is that why you were crying when I got back?"

"No," Blair responded. "I was just wondering how I ended up like this," he stated simply, swallowing hard as a couple of new tears leaked out. "I pictured a lot of scenarios for my life to follow, but ending up naked in the cop shop wasn't part of any of them," Blair said, trying to sound humorous, but losing the battle with the quiver in his voice.

"It'll be okay, Chief. We'll get this straightened out."

"Okay," Blair responded, nodding and wiping at his eyes again.

"You want to wash your face before we go upstairs and talk to Simon?"

"Yeah." Blair nodded again.

"Better roll these up." Jim reached down and rolled up the cuffs on the sweatpants. "Come on." He stood up and motioned to Blair, who stood also and followed him out of the room and across the hall to the men's room. Relieved it was empty, Jim locked the door and watched while Blair splashed water on his face and tried vainly to erase the signs of crying.

"Thanks for getting me out of this, Jim. I know it's not easy."

"It'll work out okay." Jim regarded his partner as he stood there and blotted his face off with the paper towel. His eyes were still puffed up and there were a couple of red splotches under them. Unable to keep his distance, Jim walked over to Blair and put his arms around him, pulling him close. "It'll be okay, Chief," he said quietly, leaning his head against Blair's as he held him. Blair's arms came around him then, holding on tightly. "We'll work out the money mess, okay?"

"I'm broke, Jim. I don't have any money to pay my bills, and..."

"It's fixable, Blair."

"Funny. That's what my mechanic said right before he handed me the thousand dollar estimate." Both men laughed a little at that. "I know I should have come to you, but it felt...I just didn't..."

"I probably wouldn't have gone to you either in the reverse situation," Jim added, sighing. "It's not easy asking a friend for money. I know that. But we'll get you paid up. Don't worry about it anymore."

"It's like...there's no direction," Blair said brokenly. "All my life, I knew where I was headed, what I was working for. Now, there's just...I'm...nothing."

"Hey." Jim pushed Blair away a little and held him by the shoulders. "Don't ever say that."

"It's true, Jim. I was always the hot shot--top student in my class, walked away with a fistful of scholarships, then the fellowship when I went into the Ph.D. program. I've been published multiple times--I was somebody. Something. Now, I'm just this guy nobody wants to hire who's in debt up to his ass--hell, I know homeless guys that are more solvent than I am right now."

"That's one thing you're not, Blair." Jim paused as Blair regarded him blankly. "Homeless."

"Yeah, some bargain you got. My work turns you into a public spectacle, and in the process of getting you out of the line of fire, I managed to present you with an in-debt, unemployed, albatross for you to support. That was a great deal for you, man. Now this." Blair gestured at himself, indicating the whole mess they were facing with the movie incident.

"Is that what you think? That you're some kind of burden?"

"What else do you call it?" Blair averted his eyes down to Jim's chest level. "I didn't mean to do this, man. I'm sorry. I just...let's just drop it, huh? I'm on a roll of feeling sorry for myself, and you might as well just leave me be until I get past it. And I will get past it. It never solves anything." Blair swallowed. "If you'll help me with the bills, at least temporarily until I can get a job of some sort, I'll be grateful. Maybe I can give you something every month toward the loan, and--"

"Blair."

"Yeah?"

"Shut up."

With that, Jim hooked a finger under Blair's chin, raising the younger man's somewhat beleaguered face, and leaned down, covering the startled mouth with his own, kissing gently until he got a response, until the soft lips parted and let him in, and they were in each other's arms again.

When the kiss ended, Blair was staring at him, shocked.

"I know the timing sucks, Chief, but I've wanted to do that for a while now. I just didn't have the balls to follow through." Jim released Blair and walked away a few paces. "If you aren't interested, it doesn't change anything. I still want to help you, and I will. Nothing will change between us--I know this was probably wrong, that it seems like I'm taking advantage of you when you need me... Shit, this was a mistake."

"Why? Am I lousy kisser?" Blair asked, the smile in his voice making Jim turn around. "I didn't exactly fight you, man."

"Chief, I...maybe I did that because I can't stand to see you feeling like you're some...burden to me. I love you."

"I love you too, Jim."

"I know that. God, Blair, I know that. When I walked into that room and saw you on TV, giving away your life for me...how could I not know that?"

"All this moping I'm doing now...Jim, it doesn't...please don't think I regret what I did. I don't. I'd do it all over again if I had the chance. Between your life--our relationship--and a piece of paper in an overpriced frame with a Rainier seal on it, there's no contest." Blair sighed. "It's just hard sometimes, and I didn't want you to see me like this, you know? To think I regretted it, or to feel bad about it." Blair smiled, then looked straight into Jim's eyes. "Even if they're disasters, the things you do for love have a joy all their own that's yours to keep. In here." He covered his heart. "I wouldn't trade that for all the degrees or published articles or fat paychecks in the world."

"But you think I can put a price tag on you, and that a few loose bills are more than you're worth to me?"

"I didn't want you to feel obligated to me. Like you had to take care of me because of all this."

"What if I want to take care of you? Would that be okay?"

"Pretty okay, yeah," Blair said, smiling. "At least until I can get a job that pays." Blair hastened to add. "I want to be your equal, Jim. Not your...responsibility."

"You are, Chief. My equal, that is," Jim added, smiling at the clumsiness of the statement. "Money doesn't define that."

"So...uh...being with a guy...is it...new for you?" Blair stammered.

"I had a friend in high school...we were close..." Jim shrugged. "I never saw him again after graduation."

"Ouch. What happened?"

"We went separate ways, and he didn't want a boyfriend. I think he's married now. It was a long time ago."

"Oh, man." Blair moved closer, looking up into Jim's eyes. "He just...left you like that?"

"We agreed on it, you know, that it was best that way," Jim explained, his voice still a little rough at re-opening the old wound. "So how about you, Darwin?"

"I've dated a couple of guys--back in my undergrad days. Nothing much came of it. I'm bi, and the odds were that I just happened to run into more women than men that I liked."

"I get the feeling we're not too experienced here."

"I said 'dated', not slept with. Nothing happened. I was only sixteen the first time I met a guy I had...feelings for, and he was a 23-year-old senior. Guess he was afraid of doing the deed with an under-aged virgin. The other guy...I just didn't like him enough. But with the right person...I can sure picture it."

"Yeah, so can I." Jim smiled at Blair in that soft, loving way he seemed to reserve just for his partner. "But not before we talk to Simon."

"And not in the men's room," Blair added, bringing forth another shared chuckle as they headed out of the room and toward Major Crimes.

********

"Something about this whole thing smells like a week-old tuna sandwich," Simon said after the stenographer left with Blair's statement. The captain leaned back in his chair at the conference table, noticing not for the first time the redness of Blair's eyes, and the slight gauntness of the face that surrounded them. There was more to this whole situation than what either man was saying.

"I know it was against procedure for me to send Blair in there, but it seemed harmless enough. He didn't have any worthwhile indication that there was anything illegal going on until the Vice guys showed up and it was too late for him to do anything about it."

"Jim, I know that you know better than to authorize a civilian to do undercover work without my permission. Blair isn't even here as an observer any longer--he doesn't even have that one thin thread binding him to the PD."

"What does this mean for Jim?" Blair asked.

"It means I have to lie for him, which isn't exactly something I relish doing. Because if I tell the brass the way this really went down, he's looking at a suspension, probably without pay, possibly some more stringent disciplinary action. The chief is real clear on what he thinks about circumventing procedure."

"But the statement I just gave--"

"Only indicated that Jim was your connection to the PD. You wouldn't necessarily know whether he cleared it with me or not." Simon shook his head. "Look, why don't you two level with me about what really went down here?"

"Then you really will have to lie for us, sir," Jim responded.

"Did you knowingly go in there to make a porno movie?" Simon asked Blair. "Or did you get caught with your pants down--literally--in a bad situation?"

"It was a mistake. I didn't know it was going to be a porno movie. I'd never do anything like that. And with an underage girl? Give me a break, Simon. You know I wouldn't do that."

"And you're trying to get him off the hook?" Simon looked over at Jim, who just shrugged.

"More or less."

"All right. I'll tell the chief you had my blessing--but that I told you to talk to Vice. I'm not taking the heat from them too. That's your part of the deal."

"That's more than fair, sir. Thank you."

"Thanks, Simon," Blair added.

"The offer still stands for that detective's job, Blair."

"I know. I appreciate it. I just...I haven't changed my mind."

"All right then." Simon rose with a sort of sad resignation in his movements. Sandburg and Ellison were a perfect team. Splitting them up was serving no useful purpose beyond caving in to politics. Blair's observer status wasn't a problem unless it was pulled into the spotlight-but now that it was there, too much public and PD administrative attention was focused on the fact that Blair had no real official role there.

********

Jim locked the door behind them as Blair walked into his bedroom, leaving the door partially open behind him.

"You want anything to eat?" Jim asked.

"No thanks. I'm just going to get changed."

"Hey, you want to go out tonight?" Jim walked to the doorway and leaned on the frame. Blair was already in a pair of jeans, and was digging through the drawer for a sweater.

"We could try pizza or something," Blair responded, his tone bland.

"I meant...out." Jim felt the color creeping up into his face.

"Oh. Uh, you mean like a...date?"

"Probably a dumb idea. It's not like we're just getting together here."

"No-I like the idea," Blair said, smiling. "Where do you wanna go?"

"No place that has a drive through, and no place with animal heads on the wall."

"Whoa...the nice places." Blair nodded. "If I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying to get in my pants later."

"You wound me, Chief." Jim hit his chest with his fist.

"Not yet, but I will if you don't go for the gold after dinner." Blair flexed his eyebrows.

"You like Italian or that overpriced stuff with all the foliage on the plates?"

"Oh-you mean Café Elysees? No thanks. I took Sam there once, and after I dropped her off, I stopped and got a cheeseburger."

"You stopped for a cheeseburger?"

"That oughtta give you an idea of what the food was like. Not to mention the kidney I had to sell just to get in the door. I like Antonio's," Blair concluded, referring to a nearby Italian restaurant with mid-range prices and a nice, quiet atmosphere-and great food.

"Antonio's it is. I'll call for a reservation. Around seven?" Jim checked his watch. It was almost five.

"Jim, this is us."

"Six?"

"You got a deal. My appetite's coming back," he said, grinning as he tossed the sweater aside and went to the closet instead, hunting for something a bit less casual. Jim moved up behind him, indulging in hugging Blair's bare torso against his own clothed body.

"I want to do this right." Jim was quiet a minute. "I'm not very good at hearts and flowers, Chief." Jim paused. "Hell, I'm not very good at the whole romance thing. Ask Carolyn."

"You're taking me to dinner first," Blair corrected, and both men laughed.

"I guess that's a step in the right direction, huh?" Jim responded, squeezing Blair before releasing him.

********

Antonio's wasn't overly crowded on Tuesday night at six o'clock. Content with their corner table which afforded them as much privacy as possible in a dining room setting, the two men perused the menu and finally agreed on their selections. They ordered a bottle of wine, which they began enjoying while waiting for the meal.

"We need to talk about my bills," Blair said, taking a nervous sip of the wine. "There's a lot of them, man. You ought to know what you're getting yourself into."

"We don't have to deal with that now."

"Yeah, I think we do, because it's really driving me nuts." Blair exhaled and shook his head. "See, I have monthly payments, and then I have the thing with the car, and I have this ridiculous bill from a rare book dealer in Spokane, and--"

"Hey." Jim rested a hand on Blair's arm. "I said we'd take care of it."

"I know it sounds stupid, but I spent $2,500 at the book dealer's place alone. This project had a big budget--it was a grant. And I knew I could pawn the books again, and recover the part of it that the supply budget wouldn't cover."

"What was it?"

"The project?" At Jim's nod, Blair continued. "I was supposed to study the work of anthropologists who promoted genocide."

"Strange project."

"Well, it was actually something that I read about in a newsletter one of my students brought in. He knew I was Jewish too, so he thought I might be interested in getting involved with the study. What it amounted to was scouting around for the writings of the so-called 'learned men' who were the credible 'spin doctors' for people like Hitler, as well as some of the more recent ethnic cleansing regimes. I found a lot of stuff written by an anthropologist in the 1920's that espoused this theory about racial and ethnic inequalities based on his studies of the various cultures."

"Hard to envision an academic actually writing a piece of crap like that," Jim replied.

"Well, I paid $2,000 to get my hands on a few supposedly one-of-a-kind books of his, one that was personally signed. Frankly, I didn't give a damn about the signature, but it was the only available copy in the Pacific Northwest, so I took it. Anyhow, I figured when the project was over I could re-sell the books--and that way, the amount they had allocated for research materials would cover my expenses. Trouble is, they pulled the funding when the whole scandal broke at Rainier--more specifically, they pulled my funding. The guy in Spokane didn't want the books back because he'd had them for two years gathering dust, and he said they were rare and high-end for price, and given the subject matter, he didn't want them back. I can probably find someone somewhere who'll buy them, but I don't relish selling them to a bunch of white supremacists or something. At any rate--what this jerk was writing was essentially just classic ethnocentrism. Everywhere he went, he compared what the indigenous people were doing against Western European culture. When he spent time with blacks or Jews or Irish immigrants, for that matter, he compared everything with his own ethnic and cultural background. Well, when you do that, for any purpose other than factual analysis of cultural practices, the other people are always going to look bad. What they do isn't what you're used to, and isn't what you like or believe in, so if you view it through your own lens, you'll always get a warped perspective." Blair shook his head. "I'm sorry. You asked a simple question and I--"

"Got your mind off the stupid bills for a few minutes. Mission accomplished." Jim smiled.

"There's one debt I haven't told you about."

"What's that?"

"I owe Robert some money."

"Robert?" Reality slowly dawned, and Jim's eyes widened. "You owe money to your bookie?"

"About $8,300--but I don't exactly owe it to Robert. I, uh, took out a loan."

"Oh, shit." Jim slumped back in his chair. "I take it you didn't go through the credit union for it."

"I'm sorry, Jim. I should have said something earlier." Blair stared at the tablecloth, fidgeting with the corner of his cloth napkin. "I was afraid to tell you at the station because I thought you'd arrest me. You were so angry...I know I deserved it, but I didn't want to go to jail."

"I wasn't going to put you in jail, Chief."

"You wanted to for a while there."

"It crossed my mind, but it was damn brief, and I was angry. I never would have done that." Jim took a deep breath. "Tell me about the Robert thing."

"Robert couldn't eat the debt, and I didn't have the money. He had this 'sure thing' he told me was a done deal. And it would have paid everything off, man. The car, the book bill... You know, I told you I used to place bets with him when I was an undergrad."

"Yeah, you told me." Jim ran a hand over his face. "Not that I particularly wanted to know that."

"He had people leaning on him for the money, so I had to get a loan."

"Okay." Jim took a deep breath. "I'm letting this go."

"Oh, shit, that's scary," Blair responded, hearing his mother's mantra coming from Jim.

"Naomi suggested I try that. You know what? It doesn't work!" Jim declared angrily, attempting to keep his voice low. The waitress arrived and served their salads, then took her leave again. "A loan shark. Are you fucking nuts?!?"

"No! I'm fucking desperate!" Blair shot back, angry that tears were threatening his voice.

"Why? Goddammit, Blair, we live together. I thought we were friends. Why in the hell would you get yourself into debt with a loan shark, for God's sake? I would have helped you."

"I bet $5,000 on a fixed fight, okay?"

"Damn it, Chief." Jim shook his head, as if this last revelation was too much even for him. "After everything that happened with Roy, and the way you felt about Atlas and jerks like him, I'm surprised you'd cash in on something like that."

"Oh, man, that was low." Blair tossed his napkin on the table and got up, striding angrily out of the dining room.

Embarrassed, and wishing he could retract that last comment, Jim got up and followed his partner, hoping to recoup some small part of their evening. He found Blair sitting on an ornate bench just outside the door of the restaurant.

"It's hard to make a dramatic exit when you don't have a car and it's pouring," Blair gestured at the weather just beyond the overhang that was protecting them.

"I'm sorry, Chief." Jim sat on the bench with him. "I had no right to make that last remark. It was cruel."

"I probably have it coming. I've been such a total dick since the whole mess with the diss. I've let the bills pile up to my neck, I got in over my head with a bookie, then I took out an illegal loan... Of course, that was all before I signed up to make the porn flick with the underage girl."

"You didn't know what you were getting into."

"I told myself I didn't. Maybe I did and was just that desperate. I honestly don't know anymore. God, Jim, I'm so damned tired." Blair leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "I've messed up my life so badly I don't even know where to start to untangle it."

"I'm sorry about the diss--"

"There's nothing for you to apologize for. The minute I started loving you, I should have ditched the diss."

"When did you start loving me?" Jim asked, intrigued. He knew it had hit him like a ton of bricks when he'd burst into the loft, finding it trashed, and realized with cold terror that Lash had Blair.

"I don't know exactly. Maybe when you were so sensitive and good to me after Lash, maybe after you let me move in...all I know is that I wasn't objective anymore, and that was my cue as a scholar to set aside the sentinel topic and do something else. So I honestly don't blame you for this whole thing being a disaster. I was on a collision course. But it was so good, Jim," Blair said, looking up at Jim and smiling, sadly. "The diss--it was so damn good. It was the best writing I ever did, and the best subject I ever wrote about." He looked out at the rain. "I can't regret writing it, even though I should." He sighed. "The only regret I have is letting my life spin out of control like this. That bet with Robert was so wrong. I don't even want to think about how many ways it was illegal."

"That makes two of us." Jim joined his partner in staring out at the gloomy weather. "In a sense, it's a victimless crime, and it's seductive. A lot of good people get roped into something like this--for reasons less compelling than being jobless and out of money." Jim leaned back on the bench. "When I was in Vice, I saw a lot of people you'd never imagine getting rounded up when we raided any place that had to do with illegal gambling."

"I hate most what this has done to you. To Simon. You guys have had to lie for me, and you--you have to cover this whole mess up for me with Robert and the loan..."

"So what was the big payoff anyway?"

"He let me do it without putting the cash down. It was a 5-to-1 payoff. Do you know what that would have meant?"

"The obvious answer being $25,000."

"I wanted to bid at an auction on an urn that was found at an archaeological site in Peru. It was supposed to have some sort of inscription on it relevant to Sentinels." Blair saw Jim's skeptical sideways glance. "I couldn't get close enough to it to read it without owning it. It's very valuable. I was hearing figures like $10,000 and $15,000 floating around as bid amounts, so I figured if I had $25,000, I might be able to get it."

"So let me get this straight. You're jobless, broke, and in debt. You place an illegal bet, and if you get the 5-1 pay off, you're going to bid it on a damned hunk of fucking pottery?!" Jim demanded, his voice rising, catching the attention of a few patrons who were walking into the restaurant.

"Just because my diss isn't an issue anymore doesn't mean that I stopped caring if there was something more out there to learn. What happened to this 'we'll tackle it together' attitude, anyway?"

"Forgive me if learning my roommate is placing illegal bets and getting his loans from Hammerhead doesn't make me happy."

"How'd you know it was Hammerhead?"

"I worked Vice quite a while, Chief. He's the loan shark most first timers end up with, because he isn't known for mutilating his clients until the third overdue notice. He's pretty amicable to deal with as long as you pay up."

"Robert recommended him."

"That doesn't surprise me." Jim stood up. "Come on."

"What?"

"Just come with me. I have to pay the tab and then we're leaving."

"So that's it? This situation is a little dirtier than you think, so just like that, we're through?" Blair demanded, angry that tears were actually filling his eyes at the thought that his whole future with Jim was history--because of his mistake being just a little worse than Jim originally thought.

"I didn't say that. I can't walk out of this place without paying the check." Jim went back inside, with Blair several paces behind. After transacting the business with the hostess and their server, he led the way back out to the truck.

"Jim, look, I--"

"Just give it a rest, Chief. Get in the truck, okay?"

"I'm sorry I got into this, man, but I didn't know what else to do. I owed $5,000 and I didn't have any money and I owed the money to my bookie, so it wasn't like I could just ask you for it and then--"

"Sandburg, you're getting soaked. Get in the damn truck," Jim said from the driver's seat. Blair finally complied. "Let's just let this lie for now. First we need to take care of business." Jim drove out of the restaurant parking lot, and headed back toward the business district. Pulling into the parking lot of his bank, Jim got out of the truck and headed over to the ATM. When he'd finished his business there, Jim returned to the truck and handed Blair a thick envelope. He calmly put the truck in gear, backed out of the parking spot, and started down the road.

Blair opened the envelope, and his eyes bulged as he thumbed through $8,300 in cash.

"Jim--"

"How overdue are you?"

"Uh...about three weeks."

"You're about two days away from a visit from the 'collection agency'." Jim was quiet a minute. "I'm assuming you've been contacted."

"Twice," Blair responded quietly.

"Uh huh. The first time was friendly. Where did he hit you the second time?"

"It was a kidney shot," Blair admitted. "Man, did that hurt."

"So you didn't pull a muscle moving the furniture in the living room last week. I didn't think so."

"No," Blair responded, shaking his head. "Jim, I can't take this money. This has to be most of your savings account."

"There's enough in there to keep it open. Is he still doing business through Eddie at Shay's Bar?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. Enough is enough. Let's get this over with right now." Jim pulled up in front of the bar in question. "Go in, pay your tab, be sure Eddie writes you out a bar tab for a beer, with 83 cents as the amount."

"That's the receipt?"

"Yeah--that way he's still clear, and if Hammerhead's goons get their wires crossed, you can produce proof that you're paid off."

"Jim, I don't know what to say. I mean, I know how hard you've worked to build up savings and then I just take it and--"

"You didn't take it. I gave it to you. Now go pay the man, get your receipt, and we'll go home and talk things over, okay?" Jim's tone was immensely gentler than it had been before, and Blair nodded.

"I thought everything was over between us back at the restaurant," Blair said softly, tucking the money into the pocket of his leather coat.

"I was pretty pissed off, Chief. It just took some time to cool down."

"I'll make this fast."

"Good. Don't forget the receipt." Jim watched as Blair nodded, then got out of the truck and disappeared inside the bar.

********

The ride home to the loft had been completed in mostly silence. Jim still wasn't overly pleased with the mess Blair had gotten himself into, and Blair was still adequately subdued by his own embarrassment and unhappiness over the situation. Once the door of the loft had closed behind them, they hung up their coats, and Blair went to the kitchen and set water on the burner to boil for tea.

"Blair, I'm sorry I jumped all over you earlier. I didn't mean to do that," Jim said. "I was upset. It was a knee-jerk reaction."

"It's not like I didn't have it coming." Blair found the tea leaves he wanted and put them in his cup. "You want anything?"

"I was thinking about ordering a pizza."

"Okay," Blair said, going back to his tea leaves. "I meant to drink."

"Not right now." Jim paused. "This urn you were interested in--it's pretty important?"

"I don't know, to be honest. It's valuable as an artifact, but it's also supposed to have an inscription on it about Sentinels. I really wanted to take a look at it, but it's a museum-quality piece, and it's not something the masses can just go in and look at. It's was auctioned off from a private collection, and I think the Museum of Natural History in Chicago got it." Blair shrugged. "I probably couldn't have competed with their buying power anyway, even if everything had gone according to plan."

"We could go there sometime. I could probably read the inscription even through a display case."

"That's true," Blair turned away from the counter with the first spark Jim had seen in his eyes in a long time. "Oh, man, that'd be great! But wait...you won't be able to read the language--it's probably not like modern Quechua or--"

"I can reproduce the markings I see on a piece of paper, and you can do your thing with figuring out the translation."

"True. You'd do that--after all this?"

"Blair, when I said I was sorry, I meant it." Jim moved over to where Blair stood and took a gentle hold of both shoulders. "Everybody makes mistakes, and this was a big one, but sometimes things spin out of control and you end up in a place you never thought you'd be."

"First I was in debt, but things were okay because I had some savings. Then I started running out of money, and I had to use the credit cards more to get by, but I couldn't pay the bills. Then I got the notice that my grant funding was pulled, and I had that pile of books, and then Robert shows up with this chance to get my hands on $25,000..." Blair shook his head. "It was stupid, and illegal, but it didn't seem like it at the time. It seemed like...pennies from heaven. I guess I've known Robert all my life, and placing a bet with him doesn't seem wrong, even if it is. Then I heard about the urn, and you're right--that was the pinnacle of idiotic ideas when I needed the ill-gotten money to keep my fat out of the fire with my creditors, but... I spent my whole life in academia, and even though I was on the outside of the fence looking in now, here was this museum piece coming up for grabs, with more information on Sentinels--and all of a sudden, it was like I could still do what I always did--research--even if I didn't have Rainier behind me. I'm just so sorry that--" Blair was cut off by a gentle hand over his mouth.

"You never heard that old saying huh?"

"What old saying?" Blair asked, moving Jim's hand away gently.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry. You've said it way too much, and I've made you feel like you had to say it, and I'm the one who's sorry for that. I love you, Blair, and yeah, you screwed up big time, but we can fix it, and we're still together, and that's what matters."

"You haven't seen the rest of my bills yet."

"You can't be more expensive than the urn, and I'd much prefer to have you," Jim responded, smiling and sliding his arms around Blair's middle.

"I figure I'm about ten grand cheaper than the urn."

"To me, you're priceless," Jim said sincerely, taking Blair's face in both his hands, moving forward until their lips brushed once, tentatively, and then came together again in a prolonged kiss.

"Maybe we ought to order pizza...after." Blair flexed his eyebrows.

"After what?" Jim asked, feigning innocence. Blair bumped him with his groin and inclined his head toward the stairs.

Without further discussion, the two men made their way upstairs, pausing at the side of the bed to kiss again. Jim pulled back enough to start working the buttons on Blair's shirt, and Blair soon joined in the project, working at relieving Jim of his own shirt. The process would have been twice as fast if they'd undressed on their own, but only half as much fun.

With the shirts cast aside, Jim reached for Blair's fly, but a gentle hand stilled his as it lingered near the waistband.

"You've done this before?" Blair asked, clearing his throat, trying to hide the nervousness in his voice.

"A couple of times, but not since high school."

"Did you like it?"

"Yeah, I liked it," Jim responded, smiling. "Blair, if you're not ready, we don't have to do this. Not yet."

"I know it's supposed to be kind of hard going in from the back, and I figured if you'd done it before, you'd know..."

"We don't have to go that far this fast, sweetheart," Jim said gently, pulling Blair into his arms. "We're both a little nervous, and that's not the time to try that. Trust me--you need to feel relaxed. It can be good if you are, but if you're not, it makes it a lot harder than it has to be."

"I need to tell you something, but you have to promise not to laugh at me."

Jim almost chuckled at the statement, laughing at Blair being the furthest thing from his mind at that moment, but the rapid thudding of Blair's heart against his was a clear signal that whatever this was, it was causing Blair all manner of stress.

"I promise," he said simply, still holding Blair in his arms. The arms around Jim tightened.

"After the whole mess I was in today--what I was doing? You're really going to laugh at me about this, and I...I don't know if I could handle that, okay?"

"Blair, look at me." Jim pulled back. "I love you," he said to the troubled face. "I'm not going to laugh at you about something serious. Now please tell me what's wrong."

"I don't know as it's anything wrong exactly...but..." Blair looked around the room, everywhere but at Jim. "I'm a virgin," he told the comforter.

"That's not a big surprise, Chief," Jim said, still smiling.

"I know, but I mean, really a virgin. As in clean slate. As in never did the deed."

"Wait a minute. You're telling me that you never...not even with a woman?" Jim raised his eyebrows in inquiry, and Blair looked almost sheepish as he shook his head slightly. "You and Sam didn't...?"

"She wanted to set my hair on fire, Jim. I wasn't about to give up something I saved this long for somebody I was playing games with. Sam and I had fun, but we didn't love each other."

"What about...oh, what's her name...the one you were on the couch with that night...?"

"Chris? We were fooling around. I thought she was gonna be the one, you know? I really cared about her. Now I'm glad we got interrupted when we did."

"Things fell apart after the Lash thing, huh?"

"I made a dumb remark about thinking she was the leak...she was really hurt by that, and she didn't want to see me anymore. After everything that happened with Lash, I was a little out of it anyway for a while, so I never did really get in touch with her again."

"The diaries."

"I got an 'A' in creative writing, Jim."

"Aha," Jim said, nodding. "If you've never done it with a woman, are you sure you want to do it with a man?"

"That might be the dumbest question you ever asked me."

"I mean, if you say you're bi, and you haven't done it the other way..."

"This is really complicated." Blair sat on the side of the bed. "I want to make love for the first time, not have sex for the first time. I want to be with the person I love, and I want it to be special. I wanted to be able to give something...incredible to the person I planned on spending my life with. Anthropologists are big on ceremonies and rites of passage, man. This one is a big deal for me. So I waited." Blair smiled. "...and waited, and waited..."

"Waiting isn't a bad thing, Chief." Jim joined him sitting on the side of the bed. He picked up one of Blair's hands and held it in both of his. "You'll never know what it means to me that you want to give yourself to me that way."

"I thought you'd probably think I was a loser. I mean, what kind of a dork hasn't even done it with a girl before?"

"Not having sex doesn't make you a dork. It just means you haven't fallen in love with the right person yet, and you chose to wait for that."

"You don't think I'm weird then?" Blair asked, finally venturing to look Jim in the eyes.

"No more so than before," Jim retorted, and Blair chuckled, grateful for the humorous break in the tension.

"What happens next?"

"We get out of the rest of these clothes and just do what feels good. It doesn't matter how far we get tonight, sweetheart. We'll get there eventually." Jim kissed the back of the hand he was holding.

"I love you." Blair wound his arms around Jim's neck and pulled him in for a tight hug.

"I know. I knew before, but what you're giving me is so special...relax and trust me, Blair. I won't move any faster than you want, and I give you my word I won't hurt you."

"I trust you." Blair smiled, pulling back. "I'm just...you know...sort of nervous."

"Don't be. It's going to feel good, baby. Tonight we're just going to work on feeling good together." Jim leaned forward and captured Blair's mouth in another prolonged kiss, tipping them back on the bed, finally venturing to open Blair's zipper, both of them cooperating in the task of getting Blair naked. Jim wasn't far behind, his pants and boxers joining Blair's in a heap on the floor near the bed.

Blair's caresses began as the tentative touches of a beginner, eager and yet still restrained, afraid to assume too much or to take too many liberties. Jim took in the sensations of the strong, if not very aggressive, hands moving over him, the feeling of Blair's hairy chest against his smooth one, their legs tangling as they moved together. Blair was smaller in stature, but solid, a wonderful blend of soft curls, lush lips, soft skin, silky body hair and five o'clock shadow.

"You feel so good, baby," Jim whispered hotly in a small, perfectly-shaped ear just before kissing it and nibbling on the lobe.

"It's better than my dream," Blair said, smiling when Jim pulled back to look him in the eyes. "I've wanted this to happen for so long...sometimes I dreamed about it. But this is better."

"You want to know why I was so angry at you earlier?"

"I really don't want to talk about that now. I feel lousy enough about what happened in that studio without talking about it."

"I don't want to talk about that. I just want you to understand that the reason I was so angry wasn't because you did something illegal, or because you got yourself into trouble. It was because someone else was going to have what I wanted. I didn't want someone else looking at you that way." Jim pushed a few wavy strands of hair back from Blair's face lovingly. "You're mine, Blair. And I've never been good about sharing."

"I didn't know about the girl being underage, and I honestly didn't know that it was going to be like that. You've got to--" Blair was stopped with a kiss firmly planted on his partially open mouth.

"No more. It's over, sweetheart." Jim pulled Blair into a warm embrace.

"I love you," Blair said quietly, hanging on tight.

"I love you too." Jim pulled back. "Let me make love to you, Blair. All of you." Jim moved up a bit, leaving Blair lying on his back, looking up into Jim's eyes.

"Get the light, huh?" he said, trying to sound casual. Sensing Jim's hesitation, he added, "I'm nervous, okay?"

"You're beautiful, baby. You've got nothing to hide in the dark for." Jim leaned down and kissed him again. "You know I can still see in the dark."

"Not if you don't dial up your vision."

"What's going on here, Chief?" Jim asked gently.

"Maybe it's because of earlier...with the film thing..." Blair shrugged. "Maybe it's just me. I don't want to...I feel funny...exposed, sort of."

"Okay. I'll turn off the lights. But I get to dial up the vision at least a notch." Jim kissed his would-be lover and got up to turn off the lamp on the dresser. The moonlight coming in through the skylight was giving them plenty of light anyway. Jim paused on his way back to the bed and took in the sight of a naked Blair, waiting for him. "God, you're beautiful."

"Jim, come on," Blair responded, seeming completely unnerved by the compliment.

"Let me show you how I see you." Jim sat near the foot of the bed, taking one of Blair's feet in his hands, kissing the instep. "These are the feet that are always in motion--either going from one place to the other, or just sort of bobbing up and down while you're making a vain effort at sitting still," Jim said, still rubbing the foot. Then he slid his hands up the outsides of Blair's calves. "These beautiful, strong, sexy legs are the ones that have to take almost two strides to each of my one, but never fail to keep up--or outrun me." Jim leaned forward and kissed the shins. He smiled at his spellbound partner, who hadn't uttered a word, nor had he tried to cover himself or interrupt.

"This thigh took a bullet because of me," Jim said, kissing the scar on Blair's right thigh. "These powerful thighs are going to wrap around me while we're making love, and I'm going to get to feel the heat between them, to explore all the secrets you've never shared with anybody else." Jim moved up on the bed, leaning in to kiss and nuzzle at Blair's groin, smiling as the thighs he'd rhapsodized parted for him now, Blair's cock hardening as he seemed to finally be relaxing and accepting Jim's attentions. Blair's scent was powerful here, as was his taste, as Jim tentatively began licking and then sucking at the ovals there.

"Jim...oh, God..." Blair moaned, writhing with pleasure at the stimulation. Releasing the slick sacs, Jim purposely avoided the hardening cock and moved up, nibbling at the tender skin below Blair's navel, the trailing kisses up to his chest until he lingered over the heart area.

"This is the heart that loves me unconditionally, the way nobody else ever has. It's the sound of my life, Blair...the first sound I look for in the morning and the last sound that puts me to sleep at night. It's by my side and my guiding force." Jim moved to a nipple and flicked his tongue over it. Blair arched into the sensation, his hands coming up to slide long fingers into Jim's hair.

"Mmmm," he groaned eloquently. "Jim...other one," he begged, and Jim obliged happily, bringing the little nub to a hard peak, smiling around his task at the moans of pleasure coming from his lover. He moved away from the nipple, finding one of Blair's hands again.

"These hands have written so many great, learned things, and they've made some of the best dinners in the world, and they've always been there for me to hold onto when I needed them." He kissed both hands thoroughly, then started trailing little kisses up Blair's arm. "These are the arms that are always there to catch me when I fall, where I always want to find refuge from everything." Jim smiled as he was accepted into another embrace that ended in a fiery kiss. "I look at this beautiful body and I see my soulmate, my lover, my other half. Don't ever hide from me, Blair. I love to look at you and be with you. I love every part of you."

"I want you to make love to me all the way." Blair framed Jim's face with his hands. "I trust you, and I want us to share that. I want the first time to be...important."

"Blair, it's important right now."

"I want you to be in me without barriers, but if you'd like to play it safe with the condom, I understand."

"I don't think I'm at risk, sweetheart. But what about you? I've been with women. Not often, and I've kept up on being tested--"

"I know you have. I want to feel you. I don't want to feel something rubber poking inside of me. I want to feel you in there."

"Are you sure?" Jim kissed him again, stunned at what he was being offered.

"I'm sure, love. I want to be with you...for us to be...one."

"We already are, baby. But I want that too." Jim rested his forehead against Blair's. "I want this to be a forever thing, Blair," he said, his voice barely a whisper.

"I do," Blair responded, smiling when Jim looked into his eyes.

"I do," Jim echoed, understanding the meaning of the two little words as they began kissing again, hard cocks rubbing together as Jim let his hands travel down to the firm globes and squeezed gently, feeling and hearing Blair's groan against his mouth and the little answering thrust of hips. Those strong, warm thighs were wrapping around Jim now, pulling him in closer, some of Blair's initial shyness receding with the increase in his arousal. He pulled back and traced Blair's nose with his finger.

"I think it'll be easier on your stomach, baby."

"Okay," Blair said nodding, but not moving. Then he smiled a little self consciously, and turned over.

"Raise up a little. I'm going to put a couple of pillows under you," Jim said.

"It's easier that way?" Blair asked, complying with the request and then resting against the pillows which raised his butt at what Jim considered a perfect--and extremely sexy--angle.

"Comfortable?" Jim asked, stroking Blair's hair.

"I feel kind of stupid," Blair admitted, laughing.

"You look...edible," Jim corrected, moving down to the presented bottom, startling Blair by working on a large passion mark on the right cheek. He released the wet, glistening flesh and kissed the mark there, the moved up to whisper hotly in Blair's ear, "Now it's official--you're mine."

"Only yours," Blair responded, smiling and relaxing a little now, enjoying the back rub that Jim had started, kneading with gentle but assertive hands all the tense muscles.

"Relax, baby. Clear your mind of everything else. Everything is okay," Jim crooned to his lover. "There's nothing to worry about anymore. Come on, Chief, let these muscles go lax for me. Let go of the stress. You don't have to worry about anything."

"I've been worried for so long...it was on my mind all the time," Blair admitted softly, feeling the lump rising in his throat at the relief he felt at not living in fear of an angry loan shark or a hoards of collection agencies. More so than all that, though, there was the relief he felt at being Jim's mate, his partner--at solidifying what they had between them with a vow.

"You can always come to me, sweetheart. With anything. Don't ever be afraid by yourself, okay? Not about anything." Jim kissed the middle of Blair's back. "You've always got back up. There's no 'yours' and 'mine' anymore. Just 'ours'."

"Love you," Blair sighed, the tension draining away as he almost forgot the position he was in and why he was there, let the fear of the debts and the loan shark's "collection agents" fade, concentrating on the wonderful feeling of Jim's hands massaging him.

Those hands moved down to his buttocks now, massaging them much the way they had massaged the rest of his back. Now they lingered, fingers curling gently around the firm globes, parting them slightly. Blair's head shot up from its resting place on his folded arms when he felt something hot, wet and velvety tickling his perineum, toying with the edge of his center.

"Jim...what're you...oh, man," he gasped, finding his hips thrusting back a little on their own, seeking more stimulation from the devilish tongue. "Your senses...are you sure...?"

"My senses are full of my mate," Jim said, his voice almost a growl. That brought another groan from Blair as he rubbed his engorged cock on the soft bedding, amazed by the sensation of what Jim was doing, as well as the fact he was doing it at all.

And then the tip of the tongue poked inside the little pucker, the strong hands still flexing on the cheeks they held captive. Blair's head dropped back down to his arms and he actually whimpered with the pleasure of the sensation, the wet heat probing and exploring his most secret, hidden place. Most of all, he adored Jim for finding the most pleasurable, comfortable, painless way to get him used to having something moving inside him.

Jim finally moved back a little, planting a series of wet kisses from behind Blair's balls to the top of the crease between his cheeks.

"Ready for me to try a little finger action?" he asked, one hand rubbing slow circles on Blair's lower back.

"Mmm," Blair responded, smiling. "That was beautiful," he said quietly.

"You're beautiful, baby," Jim replied, kissing Blair's shoulder.

"I'm ready."

"I'm going to get some slippery stuff on my finger, and then I'm going to try putting it in a little ways, okay? You let me know how you're feeling. If it hurts, we can stop and try it another night."

"I trust you. I'm ready." Blair wriggled his butt a little, and Jim felt his already rock hard cock stiffen a bit more in response.

"That makes two of us, Chief," Jim said with a smile in his voice, and Blair chortled a little at that, the levity seeming to relax him as much as the massage had. Grateful for the Vaseline that was in the night stand that he'd used to treat a slight skin irritation a few months back, Jim flipped the cap on the tube and squeezed some onto what he considered the lucky finger--the one that would be doing just what he wanted to do, which was plunge to the hilt into the dark, tight space that lurked between those two perfect cheeks.

While he reached down to find Blair's center with his slick finger, he used his other hand to pull back the long curls and kiss Blair's cheek, his neck, and his shoulder. He carefully eased the finger into the tight channel, working it in there little by little until Blair had accepted the whole finger, and his internal muscles were clamping and releasing on it, giving Jim an unbearably delightful preview of what his needy cock had to look forward to. Kissing Blair's shoulder again, Jim whispered against his ear, "Is it okay if he comes back and brings a friend?"

"The more the merrier," Blair responded, grinning over his shoulder at Jim, clearly enjoying the finger action. Jim carefully withdrew his finger and coated it and the one next to it.

"This is going to stretch a little, baby. You'll feel full...if it doesn't feel good or there's any pain, tell me, okay?"

"Okay."

"Promise?"

"I promise," Blair said, still smiling. The single finger had felt wonderful--strange and new, but wonderful--and he was eager to increase the sensation. As his opening stretched to accommodate two fingers, he bore down on them a bit, doing his best to relax and take them in. Jim was right about the stretching, but he hadn't felt the pain yet, so relaxing was easy.

"Being inside you is going to be incredible, baby. You're so hot," Jim kissed his shoulder, "so tight," and his neck. "I'm going to move them around and stretch you a little, Chief. Relax for me as much as you can, but tell me if it hurts." Jim began experimentally moving the fingers, carefully spreading them apart only slightly, encouraging the slick inner walls to expand, trying to prepare them for the invasion of a much larger visitor. His hand finally flush with Blair's ass, he stretched his middle finger until it brushed on a little nob inside Blair's body.

"Aaaaahhhhhaaaa." It was a cry, a gasp and a shout of pleasure all at once as Blair raised the upper half of his body off the bed with a jolt. On his hands and knees now, he thrust back on the fingers. "Again...please..." he begged, and Jim obliged, twice, nearly coming from the sight of Blair on all fours, impaled on two of his fingers, screaming in pleasure. "Now, Jim, do it now," Blair demanded, holding onto the railing behind the bed and thrusting his ass out invitingly.

"I was going to stretch you some more, sweetheart. I don't want to rush--"

"Then you shouldn't have pressed the magic button, man. Come on, do it!"

"Pushy little virgin, aren't you?" Jim teased affectionately, withdrawing his fingers and kissing each of Blair's buttocks, then patting them gently with his hand before reaching for the lube.

"A man can only take so many preliminaries. Besides, I don't want to go to this party alone, and I don't think the old rocket launcher there is going to wait much longer for clearance from ground control," Blair said, jerking his head back toward Jim, as if to indicated Jim's painfully large erection.

"Rocket launcher, huh?" Jim chuckled as he coated the member in question. "Preparing for lift off," Jim added, moving up on his knees behind Blair. Then he became serious, leaning down to kiss Blair's back, just above his tailbone. "I love you."

"I love you too," Blair responded, looking over his shoulder for a moment of prolonged eye contact that spoke volumes.

"We'll take it slow. Tell me how you're feeling."

"I will," Blair assured, smiling. "But I want to feel it now," he prodded, grinning, unabashedly pushy.

Jim brought his cock to the edge of Blair's center, and then very gently but firmly pushed, feeling the head slip just inside the tight ring of muscle. Blair was silent, and still, but his heart rate picked up a bit. Jim moved forward a bit more.

"Wait," came the strained response.

"Relax, baby. I know it's stretching." Jim stroked Blair's hip soothingly.

"God, Jim, I want it so bad...it feels like it won't fit."

"It will if we take our time," Jim managed, grateful that he had any voice at all as he knelt there with his raging hard-on clamped in the slick velvet vise that was Blair's center.

"Okay. More," Blair encouraged, and Jim slid in a little farther, freezing at the pained groan.

"My stomach hurts," Blair said honestly, his breathing becoming a little ragged. "It hurts, Jim."

"I can pull out, honey. Just relax for me."

"No!! Just...I...wait, please?"

"As long as you need, baby. I don't want to hurt you." Jim reached under Blair and rubbed his stomach, feeling the quivering there. "Don't be afraid, honey. Those little quivers are natural. It'll get better," he said softly, keeping up the little belly rub that seemed to be calming Blair down.

"It feels too big," Blair admitted, his voice still strained.

"How's the belly? Is it getting better?" Jim knew it was, because he didn't feel the quivering nearly as prominently anymore.

"Yeah. Try more."

"Sure?"

"Yeah. More."

Jim eased in a bit farther, and when the only response was a little heavy breathing and Blair's attempt to bear down and help, he continued pushing until his groin was flush against the rounded pillow of Blair's buttocks.

"We're there, sweetheart," Jim whispered, trailing little kisses down Blair's spine. "I love you."

"I love you, Jim. Now you're inside me...one body, part of each other," Blair managed, his voice ragged.

"I'm going to try moving a little. If it hurts, I'll stop." With one more little kiss to Blair's back, Jim made his first very gentle, very tentative little thrust, pulling out just a bit, and moving back in. Blair groaned and shifted a little. "What's wrong, baby?" Jim asked sympathetically, rubbing Blair's back lightly.

"I want you to hold me while we're making love. This is just...I feel like I'm all by myself over here. I can't see you, and I can't hold you..."

"Let's get on our sides. Nice and slow and easy, on three," Jim said, and Blair actually smiled at them counting to coordinate something like this. On three, they made a very cautious, if not graceful, series of maneuvers that landed them spoon style, Jim only slightly pulled out of Blair. Sinking back in again to the hilt, Jim wrapped his arms around his lover.

"Mmm. This is like making love now," Blair said, looking over his shoulder at Jim, leaning his head back so his lips could be reached, albeit a bit sideways, for a kiss. "Make love to me, Jim? Just take it real slow, okay?"

"Okay," Jim responded simply, kissing Blair's cheek and hugging him tightly as he began moving slowly in and out of the tight heat, groaning himself now at the feeling, allowing himself to finally enjoy the physical sensation of their union.

Through an unspoken communication, they fell into a perfect rhythm, Jim sensing Blair's body's responses. Despite the tight, excruciating pleasure of sliding in and out of the slick passage, Jim concentrated more than a little of his enhanced tactile sense on the expansion and contraction of Blair's flesh around him, always mindful that he was the first, that it would be way too easy to make a harsh plunge and tear that virgin passage as it struggled to accommodate him. He reached around and pumped Blair's erection in time with their sex, burying his nose in the warm curls near his face, moaning almost in unison with Blair. His free hand trailed up to rub and pinch at Blair's nipples. That made Blair's head fall back harder against Jim's shoulder, the pitch of his cries rising at the new stimulation. Carefully shifting his angle a bit, Jim worked at finding Blair's prostate, and began giving it a firm but gentle massage. The response was electric, each contact dragging a scream of pleasure from Blair until he stiffened out a bit, and his internal muscles spasmed wildly around Jim's cock, massaging it in a way Jim had never felt before. As Blair spurted his completion over Jim's hand and onto the bed, Jim filled him, his own low growl of pleasure as he sucked hard on Blair's neck a contrast to Blair's loud shout of Jim's name.

They lay there in silence for long moments, breathing labored, bodies sated. Jim roused himself enough to start kissing the passion marks on Blair's neck and shoulder, tightening his embrace. He liked having his cock buried to the hilt in that warm, slick, tight place for the time being. The unity was overwhelming, and the love he felt for the man in his arms, indescribable.

"Love you so much, baby," Jim whispered against Blair's ear.

"Love you," Blair responded, smiling and angling his head back so they could share awkward kisses.

"I'm going to move now, Chief. Nice and easy." Jim carefully eased out of Blair, who gave a little grunt of discomfort at the motion. "Sore?"

"Yeah...and...quivery."

"Let's try something." Jim found the discarded Vaseline and coated his finger, then carefully eased it inside the slick, loosened passage. "Feel better with something in there?" He tried carefully rubbing inside the opening, feeling the quivering muscles around his finger.

"Mm. Feels good."

"Yeah, this is all pretty new. These muscles are a little shell-shocked, I think," Jim said gently, gradually decreasing the motion of his finger, and when Blair seemed more comfortable, he finally withdrew completely. "I didn't feel any tearing." He kissed Blair's shoulder.

"So that was you playing doctor on me?" Blair teased, patting Jim's arm where it crossed over his body.

"Something like that." Jim kissed Blair's cheek. "How about turning over so I can kiss you until you can't breathe?"

"I'm there, man." Blair rolled over, with a little wince, and settled back facing Jim.

"How sore are you?"

"If you swat me on the butt tomorrow, for any reason, I will kill you," he said with a laugh. Blair saw the troubled expression on Jim's face. "I loved it, Jim. I love you. It was great. You were so gentle with me... you made it good. I trusted you to take care of me, and you did."

"I should have had something else. Some ointment or something. I don't have anything I can put inside you."

"What was your first time like?"

"This was the first time that mattered, baby." Jim covered Blair's mouth in a long kiss.

"The first time you did this."

"I did it once with Sean--my high school friend. He was on the receiving end, but he had this stuff--some kind of medicated ointment--he wanted me to use on him after... I never even thought about it."

"We can get some tomorrow. I'm okay, love. I'm a little sore, but I expected that. It was my first time."

"Yeah, your first time, and it was with me." Jim kissed Blair again, deeply, lingering on the full lips and stealing more little kisses. His hands trailed down and gently cupped Blair's ass, pulling him close so their sensitive, sated cocks nestled together. "I love you, sweetheart. I promise you that I'll always honor the gift you gave me tonight--I'll always be gentle with you, and I'll do all I can to make it good for you."

"You only did this once before?"

"That's right," Jim responded, kissing Blair's nose. "Sean was the only other guy I ever really fell in love with. Looking back, not to say anything against Sean...it was nothing like this, baby. Nothing at all."

"You don't have to say that."

"I'm not saying it because I have to. Making love to you was the most amazing experience of my life. Being inside you felt like...where I was meant to be. Like two puzzle pieces fitting together."

"For me too," Blair confirmed, smiling. "So did Sean ever...return the favor?"

"No. We broke up about a week after..." Jim shook his head. "I never saw him again after he left for college. It wasn't his first time with a guy, and I'd been with women before...it just didn't...tonight...Blair, tonight was everything. Being with you was the most beautiful thing I've ever experienced."

"I admit I was scared to death when we got started. I've been building this moment up in my mind since I hit puberty. Sometimes I thought I was nuts, waiting like this. Passing up getting pleasure with some willing girl--or guy--and putting all this 'fairy tale crap' of saving myself for the person I would promise forever to in the right perspective. But I thought about what an incredible... ceremony lovemaking would be if it was the first time, and how much more intense it would be if the person you loved with all your heart, mind, soul and spirit was the only person you ever loved with your body. There were times I felt like a dork for waiting...but tonight...now I know I was right."

"Thank you for saving that gift for me, sweetheart."

"Thank you for unwrapping it so gently," Blair said softly, blushing just a little as he wrapped his arms tightly around Jim. The embrace was returned.

"Tomorrow night, you'll have to unwrap me," Jim said against Blair's ear. "I don't have many firsts left, Chief, but I still have that one. And it's all yours."

"And only mine, forever, right?"

"Right," Jim confirmed, smiling and holding the love of his life close in his arms, hoping forever was a very long time.

********