Conversation in a Basement
Fandom: The X-Files
Category/Rated: possibly T. A little slashy.
Year/Length: ~4300 words
Pairing: Mulder/Krycek
Spoilers: Requiem
Disclaimer: Any resemblance between these lovely boys and those of 1013 should be taken as a token of respect. We mean only to honour them and not to profit by them.
Author's Notes: This comes from a conversation with Niff, from long ago, where we sketched out the idea together. We hypothesized that there must have been something between Krycek and Mulder that we didn't see on Requiem, so this was Requiem's missing scene.
Beta: by Jennie, and much thanks. It needed a lot.
Fox Mulder sat in the basement of the FBI building, apparently lost in thought, face hidden by the shadows that clustered around. Other than that which shone from the open doorway, the only light in the room fell from the desk lamp, and the edge of the light fell on the long, strong fingers that were the only part of Mulder that moved, fiddling absently with a pencil. He seemed asleep, his spectacles reflecting only lamplight as he sat. When the dark figure filled the doorway, casting a shadow that loomed in the bright patch on the floor, Mulder finally looked up, startled at last.
"I'm glad to see some things don't change." The husky voice was well remembered. Mulder sighed and leaned forward, removing his glasses as he stared up at the dark presence before him.
What are you doing here, Krycek?, he said, his voice harsh in the quiet of the small and cluttered room. I thought you left to go chasing aliens.
Krycek didnt respond straight away. He stood, looking down on Mulder, a dark figure obscuring the light from the doorway, his face full of shadowy planes. There are some things I think we need to get straight; it's time to clear up a few misconceptions, he said, finally.
I'm not following you, Krycek. What don't you think I understand? Mulders voice, for once, held puzzlement rather than anger, and his expression was one of confusion, changing swiftly to annoyance as Krycek gave a sarcastic laugh.
Mulder, I'm not sure you've understood anything from the start. Krycek sauntered into the room and hooked a chair with one foot, pulling it towards him and seating himself with a flourish that was as insolent as the rest of his bearing.
Go on. I'm all ears, jeered Mulder, ostentatiously replacing the pencil with which hed been fiddling precisely in the center of his desk blotter and leaning forward to prop his elbows on the desk in an attitude of spurious interest. Krycek watched, a flash of teeth in the gloom betraying his amusement as he began to speak.
"The work I do is dirty, but someone has to take out the trash before the rest of the world starts to get sick from the stench. Krycek seemed to study Mulders face, and then leaned forward himself, speaking intently, his silky voice low and urgent. Who else is going to do it? You, Mulder? You and your sanctimonious bullshit? You really want to save the world? Only a killer can fight a killer; how else do you stop someone with nothing to lose? As Mulders face changed, Krycek stabbed a finger in his direction. Cling to your precious principles and ethics; that's a weapon they can and will use against you. You'll never win. Add fire to fire and the end result is the destruction of the battlefield. I fight on their battlefield so no one else has to -- or would you rather the entire population become tainted with their disease of self-preservation? If you know about the battle going on, then you are not an innocent caught in the middle of a war...you're a player. Players know the risks."
Mulder scoffed, an expression that was almost a smile on his face as he listened to Alexs impassioned diatribe. Krycek, you've had your head up your ass so long you truly believe that it's always nighttime." Shaking his head scornfully, Mulder continued, "You can't save the world on your own. They're everywhere, and you're not God.
Not God - more his angel of justice, if you will. The response was quiet, but serious. There was not even the vestige of a smile on his shadowed features.
All you want is to be in charge. Mulders voice was still scornful. Go on, admit it. Angel? He made a small sound of disgust. Some angel!
I won't let them get away with paying the price for their own asses at the cost of the rest of us. It was obvious that Mulders derision had flicked Krycek on the raw. Just because it's safer, cleaner and easier to claim righteous indignation doesn't mean you'll get the job done.
Mulder laughed mockingly. How can you even begin to measure the cost when you love no-one, care about nothing, value only yourself? You're skewed, Krycek. Youve lost sight of the world you say you're trying to protect.
Keep clinging to your illusions of self-sacrifice, Mulder. The fact is you're a coward - hiding behind illusory values of right and wrong that don't apply.
My illusions of self-sacrifice? Mulder was indignant now, prodded out of his complacency by the stinging words. Will you listen to yourself? You have a direct line to God? Don't tell me; he told you to betray everyone to further your own ends.
Oh, for Gods sake, who do you think you're kidding? Kryceks own snort of disgust fell loud in the still air of the basement office. You sit there in a grave of self-pity over what you perceive as a conspiracy designed to persecute you personally. He stood, as though so driven by his thoughts that stillness was no longer an option. And as far as 'my' ends go...what the hell do I gain by the life that I lead?
If you'd lost the things that I have... murmured Mulder, and then looked up at the black clad figure that was stalking about his office. So, what do you gain? Go on. I'm sure you're going to tell me.
Don't you think I would rather be ignorant of what's happening? Krycek sounded hurt. Living in blissful blindness to the selling of my planet for the personal gain of a handful of others?
The derisive laughter was harsh in the empty basement. You stay alive... if you can call that living. Why do you do it, Krycek? Why not call it quits? You've done enough harm.
Harm? You ungrateful bastard! Krycek was looming over him now, his words hissed out as they tumbled from his lips. I only stay alive because I'm good at it...and because I'm good at it, I'm the one who has to keep fighting.
Why not retire on your 30 pieces of silver? The taunt was calculated. I'm sure that Melissa Scully's ghost won't bother you. My father will stay in his grave.
The familiar litany didnt have the effect that Mulder seemed to be seeking. Krycek snorted again. Don't start that crap with me. You know I didn't kill Melissa; I've got the forensics to prove it.
Crap? They *are* dead, Krycek. Dead, on your whim. What about Barry? He's dead too. All the others... dead, dead, dead. Don't you ever count the cost? Mulders voice broke and he put his hands over his face for a moment or two, his words subsiding into choking silence.
Cardinale is dead too. Who do you think arranged that one? And not even a thank you for the gift of justice given. Krycek paused in his pacing as he spoke, and Mulder stood up, striding round the desk to face him.
You know, execution is fine except for one thing. You can't give them back their life if you fuck up. Who made you the divine arbitrator, Krycek?
You did, you patronizing egomaniac.
Mulder cast his eyes up to the heavens. Don't you miss your humanity? Whatever happened to love? Whatever happened to the need to trust? I never 'made' you anything. I trusted you and you let me down. You betrayed me, and I loved you. The last was spoken softly, meant more for himself than for Krycek, but it was heard anyway, and Krycek raised a hand as though to ward the harsh truth away.
He raised pain filled eyes to Mulder, shining too brightly in the lamplight. You were supposed to be the savior of the planet, but your cowardice kept getting in the way. Someone had to do what you couldn't find the balls to do.
That's bullshit, and you know it, retorted Mulder. You're just trying to change the subject, because you don't have an answer for me.
You glory in your guilt; youve made a fucking career out of it. Krycek was shouting now, his body stiff with a rage that made his normally fluid movements jerky and graceless. You want something to feel guilty about? Try the fact that you stood in the eye of a storm that threatened everyone and everything on this planet, and you valued your own life above it all. Once again...what you've lost is all you can think about.
When did I do that? Mulder sounded genuinely taken aback. You have me confused with yourself perhaps?
Kryceks words were relentless. You're pissed because you loved me and you think I betrayed you. What a crock!
You're wrong, Krycek. Mulder was quiet once more, considering. When he finally spoke, there was desolation in his voice. I'm outraged because you think you're the only one who ever made a sacrifice.
What sacrifice have you ever made that it wasn't imposed on you from the powers that be? Alex, too, was calm, but his words were harsh, each of them hitting home like body blows. Scully was TAKEN from you; you didn't choose it. Samantha was TAKEN. Are you seeing a trend?
You... You left me. It was the cry of a small child finding himself alone in the dark.
I had other things to deal with besides you wanting to play footsie! You're an egomaniac, pure and simple. The words made Mulder flinch.
I've done what I can. I've never backed away from the battle. How can you say that I'm a coward?
Krycek hadnt moved. He remained half lit, a green-eyed icon from some Byzantine altar, inlaid with jade and gilded, still dispassionately pronouncing his judgment. Because you stood and looked into the face of evil and you let it live, and then you condemn me for picking up your slack.
That got Mulder's attention. You mean Cancerman? he asked in disbelief. And you didn't? You looked in his face for years. Kissed his ass, too. I never did that.
Means to an end, moron! snapped Krycek, nettled. I had to deal with your inability to act.
If you'd come to me, we could have worked together, but instead you chose to subvert Skinner, and work underground like the sewer rat that you are. We could have done it together, Alex. Again, Mulders voice held a plea.
Krycek snorted, then turned away. I cannot deal with you passing judgement on those who are willing do the things that need to be done. He took a step towards the door, but turned back once more as Mulder grabbed his shoulder.
I do what I can, when it needs to be done. Think how far we could have gone together. We could have had them begging for mercy.
Krycek began to laugh, albeit mirthlessly. Who do you think you're deluding?
Why do you think I'm deluding anyone? Still, Mulder seemed to be pleading. Are you so far away from honesty that you can't recognize it any more?
You're delusional if you think we could have done this together, said Krycek, tersely. All you've ever done is turn your pretty nose up at everything I've done to keep the human race alive. You said it yourself...I became a sewer rat. How can you possibly believe the lie you keep telling yourself - that we could have done this together?
So why are you here now? asked Mulder, the distress plain on his face as he faced his old love. You wanted this meeting. I've learned to live without you.
You could never have gotten your lily white hands bloody. Krycek seemed to be reminding himself of his righteous anger as much as railing at Mulder, and Mulder felt a surge of anger press up through him, tightening his chest and making his hand ball into a fist. Enough was enough.
Oh, try me, Krycek. Just try me. His words reached Krycek through gritted teeth, and seemed to amuse the assassin rather than strike fear into him.
You want to take a swing at me, Mulder? murmured Krycek, his voice soft as a caress, goading Mulder with its insolence. Punish me for all the sins you think I'm guilty of? You go right ahead... But I warn you, I won't try and spare you anymore.
Mulder paused, frowned, suddenly aware that there was more to this than he was seeing. He thought grimly. You're trying to divert me again, Krycek. Are you hiding something? A simple glance at Kryceks suddenly wary expression made him nod. Wonder what it could be..." he mused. "Let me see. You came to *me. * You want something. You'd better give it up and tell me what. I'm not playing your fucking games any more.
I want you to stand up and be the man you were supposed to be from the start! I want you to realize there is more to this thing than just your piddly little life! No more games, Mulder. Enough with the fucking games already.
I've never been more serious in my life, Krycek, said Mulder, simply. But you've got to quit looking down on me. I'm not the one who sold out here. I'm the one who stayed behind to try and fight.
Stayed behind? There was still scorn in the crushed velvet of Kryceks voice. Fight? What do you think I've been doing for the past 5 years? Getting a tan at Club Med?
Mulder felt his temper flare again. I'm sure you're going to tell me.
Come on then, Mulder. If finally taking that swing that you've always wanted to throw at me will break you out of that glass house you've built around yourself, then I will have done my duty for God and country and given them back the warrior they've needed from the start!
Mulder froze, considering this new development. What is this, Krycek? he said, slowly. You want me to hit you? That disturbs me.
You're the psych genius here. Once again, Krycek was mocking, sarcasm heavy in the goading voice.
They put me in an insane ward, did you know that? Mulders change of the subject was sudden. Did you know that I read minds? Did you know that I saw inside you? I knew you were there in Skinner's office. I know what you did.
What *exactly* did I do, Mulder?
You infected Skinner with that poison so that you could control him.
Krycek interrupted, making a small gesture of dismissal. You may be able to read my mind, but you have absolutely no insight into my motivations.
All you needed to do was ask, but you had to take the low road.. You should've asked. You should've come to me then. Why didn't you? Mulder had seized Kryceks shoulders now, and was shaking him as he yelled the accusations at him. For a moment or two, Krycek permitted the abuse, and then, with a single twist of his body he broke free and stepped back.
Asked for what? What would you have done? His words were still a calculated insult. Mulder grabbed him, tugging at his coat as he tried to make Krycek stop the goading.
Id have done what needed to be done. We might have won. He dragged at Kryceks arm once more, and Krycek swore, pushing Mulder back hard enough that his back connected with the wall. Together, we might have succeeded. But you'd rather play your 'spy vs. spy' games.
Growling, Krycek turned to walk out of the door again. Mulder ran after him, hauling him back into the room and slamming him against the wall. Kryceks chest heaved as he fought Mulder off him. YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT IT IS THAT NEEDS TO BE DONE! You're so self-involved that all you see is your own pain. Grow the fuck up already!
And you do know 'what needs to be done'? So why don't you tell me, you fuckhead? Mulder was furious now, and he pounded each word home against Kryceks chest. Why not? Because then I'd know too, and you could quit your martyrdom?
Grow up, panted Krycek, trying to escape the relentless assault. Grow up and see that there's more at stake here than you! The threat is not from the scum here on earth; the threat is from above.
So for fuck's sake quit your cryptic utterances and tell me what needs to be done, panted Mulder. You make me want to hurt you.
And you're the only one on the planet who can do something about that? The annoying voice was still sneering, making Mulder choke back bile as he grabbed Krycek's throat. Krycek continued, hoarsely. You're the one they have chosen. Why do you think Cancerman has worked so hard to keep you alive? You're the key.
If you don't tell me, panted Mulder, his grip on Kryceks throat beginning to cause his adversary to slump. This is the last thing you'll ever see. He suddenly realized that Krycek was losing consciousness, and dropped his hands, stepping back from the heat of Kryceks body. A thought occurred. So this is about me after all? You had to come to me in the end, huh, Krycek? I bet that makes you sick.
Yes. It does sicken me -- sickens me because you've had the power to stop this all along and you wouldn't see it. A heavy sigh gusted from where Krycek still leaned against the wall.
So you saw it and didn't tell me? Mulder was frowning now.
Kryceks eyes lowered, veiled by lush lashes, and he put one hand up to feel his throat where Mulder had abused it. From day one, your DNA codes have been genetically engineered...by them. The words were an admission, and Mulder nodded. Now, he was beginning to get somewhere.
What is it that you think you're gonna blackmail me into doing? Mulder thought he had it now, and the idea both thrilled and repelled him simultaneously.
Nothing, Mulder. The singsong voice jarred against him, enraged him.
You're so stupid, Krycek. So stuck in the thug mentality... Tell me. He raised his fist to strike, and then seemed to notice, putting it down again sheepishly. What do I have to do?
You know what you have to do, whispered Alex, his shoulders slumping resignedly. I can take care of the human threat, but you... He stopped speaking and waited for realization to come to Mulder.
You want me to go with them, don't you? Mulders voice was hoarse with astonishment. So this was it. This was the payoff, right here. You think I... You bastard! Why didn't you ever tell me?
Not me, Mulder. This fate was not my design. There was regret in Kryceks voice, sorrow rippling over the set features, revealing a bone deep loneliness that was so fleeting that at first Mulder didnt believe that hed seen it. Now you understand why I killed your father. He knew what you are. Hell, he helped make you this way. Tears sprang unbidden to Mulders eyes. Hed known he was different. Now the proof that he had never wished for was at hand, and he couldnt bear to hear it.
Why did you keep this from me? You knew. Why didn't you tell me? He bit back a sob, self-pity so intense that he almost couldnt bear it welling up in his throat to choke him.
Would you have believed me? Kryceks words were sad.
I loved you. The non sequitur meant something that Mulder couldnt put into words. Strangely, Krycek seemed to understand.
Don't lie, Mulder...you still do. He flinched momentarily, as if waiting for the punch he thought would come. Instead, Mulder turned away.
We could have had something... but... He paused, head lowered, tear still glinting unchecked on his jaw. You think you can play my feelings to make me do what you want? Why not just ask me, Alex? Why go to all the trouble of manipulating me?
You thick-headed... Kryceks voice cut across what Mulder was saying, curt as a whiplash, the husky voice brittle with anger. Dont do it for me! Do it because it's right! I'm not going to ask you to do something its your destiny to do. That's the difference between you and me. You need someone to see your sacrifice before you think its worth doing.
Oh, I'll do it all right. I have no choice. Bitter, the words fell between them, a gulf that was almost impossible to bridge. The difference between us is that I love you, and you have no soul with which to accept that love. He turned to leave his office, and took a step towards the door.
Krycek stood looking at Mulder's receding back. Do you really believe that? he asked, mildly.
Mulder whirled to grab Krycek again, holding his face in one hand, pushing his chin up to keep him still. Krycek suffered the hands on him. He seemed to have no fight left in him, merely stood meeting Mulders eyes with his own, glittering in the light from the doorway.
When did you ever show me anything honest, Alex?
When did I ever lie? There was no sarcasm in Kryceks voice. He seemed completely resigned to whatever might befall him.
Everything you ever said to me was a lie! Everything. The whine was back in Mulders voice. Even to himself it sounded needy, but he couldnt stop. When did anything I said or did move you?
Back up a minute. Kryceks eyes were wide, his face for once reflecting pain, as though the words had hurt him more than any that had ever been said. When did I ever lie? What lie did I ever tell you?
You told me you loved me, came the simple reply.
You assumed because I was no longer in your field of vision that I betrayed you. It never even occurred to you that maybe I was just fighting them from the other side. Raw pain was clear now in the words that fell from Kryceks lips. He jerked his face away from Mulders hand and averted his eyes, veiling them behind the lush lashes, hiding away the hurt that had flickered briefly.
Mulder continued as though Krycek hadnt spoken, angrily accusing. You let me believe that you were my friend. You gave me away to him. You told me...
Stop and think. At last Krycek could bear no more, and he raised his shaking hand,, to ward off some barb that only he could perceive. Did I lie, or did your own mind create a betrayal that never existed?
Why did you leave me then? The cry was that of a small child bereft. Why couldn't you have told me?
Krycek sighed. Because there were bigger and more important things at sake. We don't matter.
Mulder flung himself away from Krycek and began to walk backwards and forwards across the small room rapidly, jerkily, his distress evident in the lack of grace. Tears had begun to flow freely as he moved, and he looked everywhere but at Krycek. Important... Melissa was important. Dana... So many atrocities committed for nothing. Cassandra... What did she ever do? How do you sleep at night, Alex?
Krycek watched him pace, then at last he growled, took Mulder by the tie, pulled him close, and slapped him hard enough to knock his head sideways and draw a trickle of blood from the corner of Mulders mouth. Knock it off! Stop looking at the past, and do what has to be done to save the future! Mulder merely gaped at him, apparently confused, and Krycek slapped him again. Mulder shook his head in an attempt to clear it.
You're trying to lead me around on a chain like some animal. I... Mulders lip was bleeding now. He brought his hand up to touch it, and then it seemed as though the dam broke at last. Growling, fists flailing, he lit into Krycek, punching him again and again. For a moment, it seemed as though Krycek would permit the brutal assault to continue, but then, suddenly, he snarled.
Stop with the self-indulgent martyrdom. I don't want you to do a damned thing. He reached out and grabbed Mulder by the throat, pushing back until his Adam's apple was beginning to be crushed. Mulder was still furiously beating at his maddening assailant, and now he croaked through the stranglehold.
Shut up! Shut up! You know I'll go. You know I have to. He threw his weight against Krycek, who stumbled against the desk. Everything slid off the smooth surface, crashing to the floor unnoticed as they rolled about, finally falling themselves to sprawl on the carpet, still mindlessly punching at each other. There was a breathless, gasping silence, and then Mulder continued. But you and I... We're not finished yet, Alex. We have business. He rolled under Krycek so that the other man was lying on the top, and went limp. Finish it, Alex. For once, don't lie to me.
There was a vast silence. The sound of air through the central heating ducts made a soft but audible swishing. The individual motes of air made high-pitched sounds as they swirled, Brownian motion in practice, as they waited. Kryceks eyes were open again, wide, impossibly dark as the pupils dilated. At last, there was a faintest flicker of movement.
I love you, too, was all he said.
But it was enough.
Mulder gasped. His hand slid behind Krycek's head, forcing his head down to Mulder's lips, and Mulder fixed his mouth onto Kryceks. As the world resumed breathing, two men made their peace at last.
Finis
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