Ding Dong, AKA the Adventures of Jared Padalecki in Oz

Fandom: RPF

Category/Rated: Slash, PG13

Year/Length: 2009/ ~15,113 words

Pairing: Jared/Jensen, Misha Collins, Eric Kripke and a host of others.

Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, only having fun.

Warning: Complete and utter crack.

Author's Notes: spn_j2_xmas, for kirkes_island: You wanted a J2 with fluffy schmoop, a happy ending, snarky banter and boys being boys. I hope you don't mind the character deaths, because it's all in a dream and not really real. Also, I am very sorry. Merry Christmas!

Beta: by marys_scribbles

It was a Sunday morning in December, just before Christmas. The sun was doing its best to shine, but there were clouds gathering low on the horizon, out over English Bay. The air smelled damp and cold, leaves crisp underfoot and rimed with white frost. The man running along the edge of the road was accompanied by a pair of dogs, and from time to time he called out encouraging words to them as their feet ate up the concrete. He was tall. Taller than most, and he'd long since shed his sweatshirt to tie it around his waist, and he wore a T-shirt on which was depicted the face of Dean Winchester over his well muscled chest. The three of them, man and dogs, loped through the watery sunlight, legs pumping, bodies stretching in unison, three healthy animals together. Jared's hair was spiky with sweat, and his body showed the strain of effort in the form of dark stains under his arms and in the small of his back.

As he came in sight of the entrance to the street where he lived, the sky began to darken a little, and suddenly the air was heavy with the scent of snow, and the sudden silence of a world about to be covered in white dampened the crunch of his feet on hardtop as he drew closer to home.

Pushing the front gate open, he frowned momentarily, brow creasing with the displeasure he would have to hide in just a few moments from now as he noticed the SUV parked alongside Jensen's Tundra.

Shrugging to himself, he took a deep breath and then opened the front door, calling into the depths of the house, "Honey, I'm home."

He kicked off his shoes and padded through to the kitchen to feed and water his dogs, then turned to go find the other inmates of the not so happy home.

He finally ran them to earth in the gym they'd set up in the space that had been their garage.

"Fifty seven, fifty eight..." Genevieve's voice was full of glee, and Jared could see her sitting on the inclined bench, apparently not working out. He burst through the door, looking for his co-star, wanting to share his news.

"It's starting to snow, Jen. We'll have a winter wonderland by lunchtime."

Jensen was down on the floor performing push-ups with Danneel seated cross-legged on his back, and she smirked at him as he entered. "Jared, please, we're trying to count. Fifty nine..."

"Jesus, Danny, I'm trying to tell you that it's starting to snow, and you are gonna have to get yourselves to the airport in plenty of time, or you're not gonna get out of Vancouver today."

"Seventy — Oh, don't panic, Jared. Genevieve gave him a smirk that matched Danneel's. We'll just stay here, won't we, Dan?"

"I'm sorry, Jensen, I've lost count. Was that seventy? I wouldn't want you to have to start over because of Jared interrupting." Danneel's voice had a laugh in it as she spoke, and there was a gasp from the man she was sitting on."

"Seventy... fucking... two," growled Jensen, and pushed up again.

"What the hell are you doing anyway?" Jared was momentarily sidetracked by the sight of his housemate's activity.

"It's a bet," murmured Genevieve watching the two on the floor. "We bet he couldn't manage a hundred. Danny doesn't think he can, but if he makes it, I win the boots."

"Holy fuck! Are you trying to kill him? You realize that if he dies it'll be the end of the show, don't you?" Jared was stacking weights onto a bar as he spoke, and as Danneel crowed the number ninety and patted Jensen on the back, he hefted the burden and began to do squats.

There was much grunting happening now as Jensen struggled to perform the final push-ups, and as he got to the hundredth one he collapsed onto the floor with a groan.

Hopping off his back, Danneel pouted a little as she went over to Genevieve. "I win," Genevieve shrieked. "Hand over the boots." So saying, the two of them rushed out, giggling and swapping insults, to find the boots in question, a particularly beautiful pair of embroidered leather boots that Danneel had been gloating over all week long.

Jared couldn't resist grinning at the fallen warrior as he lay prone on the floor. "Dude, you're whipped," he crowed, dipping down into the squat position as Jensen lay prone.

"I think I broke my back." Jensen ignored him in favor of trying his damnedest to rise to his feet, achieving very little save for flopping around like a stranded fish. Carefully setting his weights down on the holder, Jared went to help him, kneeling astride him so that he could massage his back. Jensen moaned.

"Why do you do this shit, dude?" Jared's voice had a smile in it as he slid his fingers down Jensen's spine, occasionally pausing to work out a knot in the muscle. "You're gonna be stiff and sore tomorrow, and we've got a long day. They want us to run through that parking lot with our weapons. You can bet they won't just accept the first take."

Jensen's only response to that was a sigh, followed by a deep groan as Jared's fingers dug into one of his sore spots.

He was just, finally, helping Jensen to his feet when Danneel poked her head around the door to tell them she and Genevieve were heading out to the airport, and he could see that she was wearing the boots. Jared didn't find it at all hard to smile as they said their goodbyes.

True to form, Jensen was walking like an old man the next morning, and even Clif noticed the way he was hobbling along, shoulders held stiff about his ears as he climbed into the van, followed instantly by Harley and Sadie who appeared to cover him with some kind of canine blanket.

"What's wrong with laughing boy?" Clif gesticulated towards Jensen, who had taken the proffered Starbucks cup with a groan prior to climbing painfully into the van, and who was now seemingly slumped in the corner, shrouded in dog, his eyes closed as if to shut out the all too horrible reality of his fate.

"He's hurting." Jared gazed over at his co-star and wished that just once Jensen would stand up to his fiancée. "There was a bet. Danneel won."

"Ah. Guess he'll live if he makes it through the next few hours." Clif wisely said nothing more, and, a moment later, they were on their way to the studio, where Jared was very much afraid they were going to have to do physical stuff.

Arriving at the studio, Jared hopped out of the van and turned to help his partner. As Jensen slowly crept from the corner where he'd been huddled, Jared took pity on him, supporting him as he creaked his way down out onto the cold, hard ground to stand huddled against the snow that was still falling.

Behind them there was a couple of thuds and a yell, and as Jared turned, he found that Clif had succeeded in closing the van door on his own fingers and was dancing around in pain, holding his injured digits in his other hand. Behind him, apparently in Vancouver for a flying visit, Eric Kripke was picking himself up from the ground.

"Goddammit! I slipped!" he mumbled, pulling himself up to standing again, clothing covered in wet snow. "Sorry, Clif. I apparently have no brain! What the fuck did I do a stupid thing like that for?" The big man cradled his hand against his chest and whined, and Kripke, treading very carefully now in an effort not to make anything worse, attempted to see the damage he'd done to Clif's hand.

Misha Collins, emerging from the make-up trailer, paused to cackle at Clif's plight. "Mere flesh cannot compete with the harsh reality of the iron horse, man," he murmured and went upon his way, leaving behind four men who were temporarily speechless.

The ground was indeed icy underfoot, and as Jared helped his tottering companion negotiate the steps up into the trailer, he hadn't bargained on the dogs rushing behind him, anxious to get into the warmth. He released Jensen's arm and turned to call to Clif that he'd send the on-site medic out to him, when Harley barreled into him, taking his foot out from under him. Windmilling helplessly, he felt his balance go, and the subsequent tumble through empty space seemed to go on forever, a thing outside of time, until, all of a sudden, there was nothing.

And then there was a rushing sound. It seemed to Jared as if he were floating – flying. There was a rush of wind in his ears and his hair swirled as the sudden gale buffeted him. Desperately flailing around, he felt fur and sank his fingers into it. "Harley?" he breathed. "Where's Sadie? Oh, God, what's going on?"

Struggling to sit up, he frowned. The make-up trailer was floating beside him, and other things were whirling through the air around him as he spun – Clif's car, several bushes in pots that the plant wrangler had dropped off to dress a scene that morning, and a few feet away, a very surprised looking Sadie.

"Oh, holy shit! Sadie? C'mere, girl." Stretching out his arm, Jared groped after her, but she was always just out of his reach. Looking down, he felt a chill slice through him. Far below him was the world, spinning beneath him, fields like patchwork, and model houses so small he felt he could reach down and pick them between his finger and thumb. He hugged Harley's neck and buried his face in the thick fur as a wave of nausea swept him. "We're not on the ground, Harley," he whispered, and Harley whined in response.

Opening his eyes again, he saw a desk fly by, Ben Edlund seated at it, busily typing as he peered at his screen. Jared swore, and Harley huddled in against him, determinedly doing his best to convince Jared that he was a lapdog.

Looking around himself he could see Danneel a few yards away. She was wearing a black pointed hat and a cloak that streamed out behind her in the wind; she appeared to be riding on some kind of broom. He was about to call out to her, but he noticed that she was screaming with maniacal laughter and hastily decided against it.

The trailer spun lazily alongside of him, and he lost sight of Danneel, then, more upsettingly, of Sadie. A swift glance down at the ground revealed that they seemed to be descending. Fluffy clouds floated by, and then there was a sudden crash as the trailer hit the ground. A moment later he thumped down beside it, Harley still at his side.

He will forever refuse to acknowledge the girlie scream he emitted as he pushed himself to sitting and looked around. The trailer seemed to have buried itself at least a foot into the grassy turf, and Jared feared for Jensen. He peered into the trailer, but there seemed to be nobody inside. Looking back over his shoulder again, he could see Sadie trotting towards him, and he felt a sigh of relief escape. She paused to touch noses with Harley, who was whining again, and then turned to Jared, her body beginning to change – to elongate before his eyes. A moment later, his precious dog had become a woman – a brown, furry woman who walked on two feet, and who stopped beside him with an admittedly doggy grin on her face.

"Harley..." Jared's voice was strained. "I've a feeling we're not in Vancouver any more. We're not in fucking Kansas either, are we?"

"Are you a good witch or a bad witch?" asked Sadie, gazing at him out of familiar brown eyes.

"I'm a guy, Sadie." Jared smirked. This was getting silly now, but he figured he might as well play along. "The correct term would be Warlock, if I were a witch at all, which I'm not. I'm just an actor."

"Well, it can't be Harley," snapped the Sadie-creature. "God didn't give him the brains of a zucchini." She frowned as a host of little people began to gather around her, singing in squeaky voices. Well, I'm a little muddled. The Munchkins here summoned me, because a new witch has just dropped a trailer on the Wicked Witch of the East. And there's the trailer, and here you are, and that's all..."

Following her eyes, Jared could see a pair of legs protruding from under the make-up trailer, and his blood ran cold as he recognized the unmistakable embroidery on the leather boots that Genevieve had been parading around in earlier after claiming them from Danneel.

"...that's left of the Wicked Witch of the East," concluded Sadie.

"Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, dude, but, as I said before, I'm not a witch – or a warlock for that matter. Witches are old and ugly, and I was voted the number one heartthrob by TV Times last year, which just goes to... What was that?" There was a chorus of high pitched giggles from the little people that surrounded Sadie.

"That was the Fangirls. They're laughing because I'm a witch. I'm Sadie, the Witch of the North."

Jared studied his former pet with a dubious expression on his face. "But you were my dog," he mumbled.

"And now I'm the Bitch of the North," said Sadie, allowing her tongue to loll from the side of her mouth. "Think of it as a promotion. I get to move up in the world, and you get to be a hero to all the munchkins in Fangirlland. They're so happy you've freed them from the Wicked Witch of the East."

"Fangirls?" Jared was close to speechless now – a rare state for him. Beside him, Harley whined and pressed in close against his leg.

"That's right. The little people who live in this land are all fangirls, and the land is Fangirlland. You've just become their national hero, Jared." Sadie looked around. "It's all right! You can all come out and thank him. It's all right now - you may all come out."

There was a pause, and then, suddenly, the little fangirls all began peering out from behind bushes and shrubs, gazing hopefully at Jared as Sadie raised her arms in the air and called out, "The Wicked Old Witch at last is dead!"

There was suddenly a throng of little fangirls, capering and singing as they crowded around Jared, and he began to look surreptitiously for a way out, but he was too tightly boxed in by cavorting bodies.

He'd turned away from the makeup trailer with its grisly exhibit, and so he didn't notice the creature coming to land beside it until he heard her unearthly shriek. Turning, he almost fell over backwards at the sight that met his eyes.

"I thought you said she was dead," he gasped as he took in the sight of the witch, who was busily dragging the boots from the legs that were protruding from beneath the trailer.

"She is," murmured Sadie. "That was her sister — the Wicked Witch of the East. This is the Wicked Witch of the West. And she's even worse than the other one."

The Wicked Witch turned away from the trailer, clutching the boots to her with hands that were tipped with incredibly long, red painted talons. As Jared stood looking on, the witch stalked towards him, kicking aside the fangirls unlucky enough to get in her way.

As she reached them, she hissed at Jared. "Who killed my sister? Who killed Genevieve? Was it you? Answer me!"

"Leave him alone," growled Sadie as Harley lunged forward, a very similar growl rising from him as his hackles rose.

"You stay out of this! I'm here for vengeance! So it was you, was it? You killed her, didn't you?" The witch tossed back her long, auburn hair and hissed at Jared, and he quailed before the look of pure evil she gave him.

"No! No! It was an accident!" Jared shivered. "I didn't mean to kill anybody, really, I didn't."

"Didn't mean it, eh?" the witch cackled, stepping forward to get in Jared's face. "Accident, eh? Well, my dear sasquatch, I can cause accidents, too." She closed her eyes and raised the hand that wasn't holding the boots. "And this is how I do it!"

As Jared looked on, horrified, Sadie stepped forward, quick as a thought, and snatched the boots from the witch's grasp, gesturing with her hand to cause them to vanish.

"My dear Danneel, aren't you forgetting the ruby slippers?" she asked sweetly, and the witch glared at her, black hatred glowing from the lamps of her eyes.

"They're gone! The ruby slippers! What have you done with them? Give them back to me, or I'll..." Sadie chuckled. "Oh, it's too late for that. I've put them somewhere very safe indeed." She indicated Jared's feet. "You're too late."

Everyone followed Sadie's gaze down to Jared's feet, and indeed it seemed that he was now wearing the red leather boots that had been so coveted. The witch screamed in frustration.

"Give me back my boots! I'm the only one that knows how to use them. They're of no use to you, anyway! Give them back to me!"

Sadie grinned and turned to Jared, ignoring the witch completely. "Don't take them off, whatever you do. Their magic must be very powerful, or she wouldn't want them so badly!" Turning to where the witch was still impotently raving, she laughed. "You have no power here. Begone, before somebody drops a trailer on you, too."

Hissing with fury, the witch leaned in towards Jared. "Very well, I'll bide my time, and as for you, my fine sir, it's true, I can't attend to you here and now much as I'd like to, but just try to stay out of my way." She rose into the air until she was eye to eye with him, spite contorting her features. "Just try! I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!" She cackled with laughter and backed away from them, before disappearing in a cloud of fire and smoke.

"There was a pregnant pause, and then Sadie smiled and called out to the cowering fangirls. "It's all right. You can get up. She's gone now." She took Jared by the hand and began leading him towards the star of a road made from yellow bricks. "Pooh," she said, wrinkling her nose. "What a smell of sulphur! I'm afraid you've made rather a bad enemy of the Wicked Witch of the West. The sooner you get out of Fangirlland altogether, the safer you'll sleep, my dear."

"I'd give anything to get out of Oz altogether," said Jared, wondering exactly when his life had become so complicated. "But which is the way back to Vancouver? I can't miss any filming. Jensen would have my guts for a necktie."

Sadie frowned, and her tongue lolled for a moment; then she brightened up. "The only person who might know would be the great and wonderful Wizard of Oz!"

"The Wizard of Oz?" asked Jared, wondering where he'd heard of that before. "Who is the Wizard of Oz?"

"The Wizard is very mysterious. He lives in the Emerald City, and that's a long journey from here. Did you bring your broomstick with you?" Sadie grinned, and Jared shook his head hurriedly.

"No, I'm afraid I didn't," he murmured. "Next time, perhaps."

"Well, then, you'll just have to walk. Off you go now." She made shoving motions with her front paws. "And remember, never let those boots off your feet for a moment, or you will be at the mercy of the Wicked Witch of the West."

"I guess," said Jared, dubiously. Which way is the Emerald City anyway?"

"Oh, that's easy," smirked Sadie. "All you have to do is follow the Yellow Brick Road."

Squinting down at the pavement, Jared nodded. "But what happens if I..."

Sadie laughed. "Just follow the Yellow Brick Road, and you'll be fine."

Heaving a put upon sigh, Jared started jogging, and Harley, realizing that this was a familiar pastime, began to lope alongside of him.

"Now which way do we go?"

The travelers had arrived at a crossroads, and Jared stood scratching his head as he tried to decide whether he should be turning or not.

"That way is a very nice way."

Jared jumped. "Who said that?" then jumped again as Harley barked. Looking around, he couldn't see anyone in view. There were fields all around, and to one side stood a scarecrow, his arm pointing right.

"Don't be silly, Harley. Scarecrows don't talk." He shrugged, and was about to walk on, when the voice came again.

"It's pleasant down that way, too." Jared spun around. "This is freaky. It feels unsettlingly as if I've fallen into an episode of Supernatural." He looked at the scarecrow, which was now pointing to the left. "That's funny. Wasn't he pointing the other way?"

"Of course, people do go both ways!" As Jared watched, the scarecrow crossed his arms and pointed both ways.

"Are you doing that on purpose, or can't you make up your mind?" Jared studied the creature before him, trying to decide where he'd seen him before. The scarecrow shook his head.

"That's the trouble. I can't make up my mind. I haven't got a brain, only straw."

"How can you talk if you haven't got a brain?" Jared suddenly grinned. It was Kripke. He'd know that face anywhere. "And you'd better find a brain pretty quickly, or we're never going to beat off the Apocalypse.

"Some people without brains do an awful lot of talking, don't they?" asked Eric the Scarecrow, hopping down off the pole from which he'd been hanging. "It's very tedious being stuck up here all day long with a pole up your back," he said. "I get very bored."

A bunch of straw falls out of his jacket as he's speaking, and he picks it up and as he stuffs it back inside, he trips and falls over the fence. Jared gives a yell and rushes to help him, while Harley, convinced that this is some kind of game, bounces around, barking.

"Did I scare you?" The scarecrow looks up at Jared, a vaguely hopeful expression on his face.

"Uh, no. Were you meant to?" Jared frowned as he tried to figure out what Eric was talking about.

"Well, damn!" As the scarecrow is speaking, a crow flew in and alighted on his shoulder. "Boo! Fuck off! Go on, get lost!" The crow merely tweaked a little bit of straw from his jacket and then took it's time flying away. "Fuck! See that? I can't even scare a crow! They come from miles around just to eat in my field and laugh in my face!" He brushed away a tear. "I'm a failure, because I haven't got a brain."

"Well, what would you do with a brain if you had one?" Jared grinned as he waited for the answer.

"I'd write for TV," said the scarecrow. "I've always wanted to do that."

"Oh, that'd be awesome," said Jared. "We could use you back in Vancouver if you could do that."

"Where's Vancouver?" The scarecrow looked intrigued.

"That's where I live. And I want to get back there so badly I'm going all the way to the Emerald City to get the Wizard of Oz to help me." Jared waited for the inevitable questions his statement would bring.

"You're going to see a Wizard?"

"Yup." Jared grinned.

"Do you think if I went with you, that this Wizard would give me some brains?" The scarecrow looked so hopeful that there was no way Jared could deny him.

"I have no idea," he said. "But even if he didn't, you'd be no worse off than you are now."

"Yes — that's true." The scarecrow nodded so vigorously that straw worked its way out of his clothing and fell to the ground in a shower.

"But maybe you'd better not. I've got a witch mad at me, and you might get into trouble." Harley whined and cowered at the mention of the witch. Not so the scarecrow.

"Witch? Huh! I'm not afraid of a witch!" he declared. "I'm not afraid of anything — except a lighted match. But I'd face a whole box full of them for the chance of getting some brains." He paused for a moment, and Jared wondered if he was actually lost in thought or whether he was merely dormant. When he spoke again it came as a sigh of relief. "Look, I won't be any trouble, because I don't eat a thing, and I won't try to manage things, because I can't think. Won't you take me with you?"

"Why, of course I will!" Jared laughed, feeling that there was something inevitable about this.

Jared's spirits had lightened a little now that he had some company, and they were making much better time as they walked along, but after some hours he was growing tired. Finally, he flopped down on the grass at the side of the road. "It's no good," he said. "I have to take a break." Flopping down on his back, he lay looking up at the cloudless sky, dozing until he suddenly became aware of Harley, who was digging furiously beside him. Sitting up, he could see a tin foot sticking up out of the grass. Pushing himself to his feet, he went over to look at it and found himself looking down at a man made from tin, holding an axe.

"Oil can... Oil can..."

"Did you say something?" Jared frowned.

"Oil can..." mumbled the tin man.

"Oil can what?" Eric asked.

"Oil can?" Jared was looking around himself, and gave a grunt as he spotted the object they needed. "Oh, here it is! Where do you want to be lubed first?"

"My mouth, my mouth!" The creaky tones emerged from the tin man.

"He said his mouth." Eric looked puzzled. "Is that normal?"

"Normal is kind of elastic under the circumstances, don't you think?" Jared knelt and began to oil the requested area.

"The other side..." The words, although feeble, were definitely an order.

"Well, okay," murmured Jared. "Roll over."

There was a squeaking, creaking sound, and then a screech. "No, idiot! My mouth."

Laughing, Jared oiled the other side of the mouth, and then, suddenly, the voice was so much louder.

"Oh, I can talk again! Oh, oil my arms, please? Oil my elbows." The creature flailed impotently, and his arm, complete with axe, swung up to strike himself on the head. "Goddammit!"

Hooting with laughter, Jared lowered the right arm of the tin man so that it hung naturally and busied himself with the oilcan.

"Jeez! That's gotta hurt!"

"Are you kidding? It felt wonderful. I've held that axe up for ages." It gave me new insight into the way the body works as a weapon." The tin man staggered to his feet and bent over. "Don't suppose you'd mind oiling the rest for me, would you?"

Jared was already at work, and pretty soon the tin man was dancing around in an ungainly fashion. As he replaced the oil can, Jared eyed the reinvigorated being. "How ever did you get so rusted up?" he asked.

"Oh, well, about a year ago — I was chopping that tree down and minding my own business, when suddenly it started to rain, and I rusted solid in mid-chop."

"That's terrible." Jared was horrified.

"Oh, it wasn't so bad. I meditated. I'm very in tune with the Cosmic All now, you know." The tin man, who bore more than a passing resemblance to a certain angel of Jared's acquaintance, gave a snide smile.

"Wow. A philosophical robot. That's very cool." Jared had given up puzzling over how scarecrows and robots could be animated and was going with the flow. "You look like a colleague of mine. The resemblance is amazing. You seem to have everything a real man would have."

"Nope. Not quite." The tin man's face fell. "I don't have a heart. I'd be a whole lot nicer to know if I had a heart. I'd be able to engender loyalties and acquire a fanbase. The sky would be the limit."

"You could never acquire a fanbase," cackled a voice, and Jared, still busily oiling up his new acquaintance, flinched, sending oil flying everywhere. Looking up, they could see the Witch standing on the roof of tin man's cottage.

"You know what?" Jared cleared his throat and turned his back on the Witch, who was making menacing motions from her vantage point. "You should come with us to the Emerald City and ask the Wizard of Oz for a heart."

"Are you kidding?" The tin man shuddered, and all his joints rattled. "Emerald City? Why, that's a long and dangerous journey. And it might rain on the way."

"But you've just been saying how much you want a heart," cut in Eric.

"And I'll keep the oil-can handy." Jared smirked. "You definitely are much more pleasant when you're well-oiled."

"Well, suppose the Wizard won't give me one when we get there?" The tin man seemed to be actively trying to find an objection.

"Oh, but he will! He must! We've come such a long way already." Jared was vehement, and he was about to say more when the Witch gave a huge screech.

"You call that long?" Harley whimpered and crept behind Jared. "Why, you've just begun! Forgotten all about me." She cackled again. "Well, I haven't forgotten about you! Helping the great fool along, are you, my fine gentlemen?" Eric and Misha looked at each other in puzzlement as the Witch continued. "Well, stay away from him, or I'll stuff a mattress with you." She pointed at Eric, who fell over in sheer terror, straw flying in all directions. "And you! I'll use you for a bee-hive!" she howled. As the tin man gaped up at her, she laughed again and conjured up a fireball. "Here, Scarecrow! Want to play ball?"

As Eric rolled around in the grass, the evil creature turned to Jared. "And as for you, Sasquatch, I wish you luck with the Wizard of Oz. And a happy journey back to Vancouver!" so saying, she clambered astride her broomstick and flew away, leaving behind a trail of noxious smoke.

As they all gaped at her, Eric folded his arms. "I'm not afraid of her. I'll see you get safely to the Wizard now, whether I get a brain or not! Stuff a mattress with me! Hah!"

"That would make for great episodic TV," murmured the tin man. "I'll see you reach the Wizard, whether I get a heart of not. Bee-hive? Bah! That's so lame. You'd think she'd have better ideas than that. Why she could turn me into a scarecrow for example – or even a dumb Sasquatch. What is a Sasquatch anyway?"

"Yeah," said Eric, enthusiastic now. "Why, she could boil you in oil. She could grind your bones to make bread – except of course you don't have any bones, so that won't do." He frowned and smacked his forehead. "I've got it. She could drop a desk on you from a great height! That'd do it."

"Just... shut the fuck up, willya?" Jared was losing patience. "And Misha, if you're going to come with us, try to be a little bit nicer." He paused. "Although that Witch is so wicked that I don't think you two ought to come with me because you'll get into trouble."

Eric reared himself up to his full height. "Oh, you don't think we're going to stand by and let her get away with fireballs and bees, do you?"

"No, sir!" Misha nodded so violently he started to creak, and Jared quickly oiled his neck.

Not to be outdone, Eric added his own, "No, sir!"

"Oh, you're the best friends anybody ever had!" gushed Jared. "And it's funny, but I feel as if I've always known you. That's impossible, isn't it?"

"I don't see how. You weren't around when I was stuffed and sewn together, were you?" Eric scratched his head, and several moths flew out of his ears.

"So that's what they meant when they told you to get stuffed, is it?" asked Misha, grinning. He caught sight of Jared's frowning face then and very quickly added, "And besides, I was lying over there rusting for the longest time."

"Damn it! I wish I could remember." Jared could feel it deep down. He knew these people. "Still, I guess it doesn't matter anyway. We know each other now, don't we?"

"I guess we do," nodded Misha as the three of them began to walk.

They hadn't been going for very long before the fields began to give way to trees, and before they knew it they were in the middle of a dark, eerie forest. Jared shivered as he walked, not liking their surroundings at all.

"I don't like this place," he murmured in his quietest voice. "It's... it's creepy!"

"Wow! This is just the kind of place one would expect a werewolf to hang out," said Eric, happily. "Or maybe a vampire."

"Oh, shut up," growled Misha. "Nobody believes in that shit any more. No. It's more like the kind of place where zombies and snakes come out and grab you."

"Oh, God!" Jared gave a little squeak. "Do... do you suppose we'll meet any wild animals?"

"We might," said Misha with a smirk.

"Animals that... that eat straw?" Eric was starting to turn pale.

"Oh, yeah," agreed Misha, still grinning. "Bound to."

And as Eric and Jared began to quicken their pace, there was a loud growl.

"What sort of an animal is that?" asked Jared, pushing Eric and Harley behind him.

"It-it-it-it - it's a huge one," whimpered Misha, losing no time in running behind Jared too.

"D-d-d-don't be fr-fr-frightened. I - I'll - I'll protect you." Said Eric, mustering up what courage he could. "Oh, look!" and with that, he fainted away.

There, on the bole of a fallen tree, was a lion, an exceptionally handsome one with green eyes and freckles. He growled, and Misha and Jared both moved back, tripped over Eric's fallen form, and fell on their backs on the pavement.

The lion jumped toward them in two great leaps and landed on the brick road. Scrambling up, Jared hastily hid behind a tree.

The lion, fists at the ready, stepped forward menacingly. "Put 'em up! Put 'em..." he growled, and did a little shadow boxing to make sure they were impressed. "...up! Which one of you first? I'll fight you both together if you want! I'll fight you with one paw tied behind my back. I'll fight you standing on one foot."

As all three travelers gaped at him, the lion continued. "I'll fight you with my eyes closed," he yelled, then spun as Misha cowered away from him. "Oh? Pulling an axe on me, eh?"

Eric had dived for cover behind a bush, and the lion whirled. "Sneaking up on me, eh?" he snarled.

"I was not! Go 'way and let us alone," snapped Eric, shedding lumps of assorted dried vegetation.

"Oh, scared, huh?" The lion bent to get into Jared's face as he peered out from behind his sheltering tree. "Afraid, are ya?" He caught sight of the tin man and turned to mock him. "How long can you stay fresh in that can?" Laughing, he danced up and down, waving his fists. "Come on, get up and fight, you shivering junk yard! Put your hands up, you lop-sided bag of hay!"

There was a moment's shocked silence, and then the scarecrow jumped up, fists clenched, and stepped forward. "Don't you think that's getting a little personal, Lion? You don't know me, and you certainly don't know him!" He indicated Misha where he lay on the floor, and Misha smirked.

"You've got that right! Go on, Eric, get up and teach him a lesson."

Eric did a double take. "Huh? Why don't you teach him?"

"I hardly know him," mumbled Misha.

"Now hold on a minute." Jared came forward to stand in front of both Eric and Misha. As the lion jumped forward, Jared slapped him. For a moment, the lion stood looking astonished, and then his lower lip began to tremble, and he backed away, the tears welling up in his big green eyes.

"Shame on you!" Jared put his hands on his hips and glared at the lion, who promptly burst into tears.

"What... what did you do that for? I didn't bite him," sniffed the lion between sobs.

"No, but you were going to, weren't you?" Jared was angry, and the lion sank into a huddled heap, weeping.

"Yeah. You were going to bite me." Misha made a rude gesture and poked his tongue out at the still sobbing lion.

"Absolutely, and I'll punch out your lights if you try and bite me," said Eric. "Just because I'm made of straw you think I'm a pushover, don't you?"

Jared shook his head at his companions and then turned to the lion. "You're not a nice person, are you? You're a big bully," he said.

"Neither are you! You didn't have to go and hit me, did you? Is my nose bleeding?" The lion tentatively probed his face, looking for blood.

"Well, of course not." For a moment, Jared felt inclined to laugh. "I'm afraid you're just being a big baby. My goodness, what a silly thing you are." As the lion dissolved into a fresh burst of sobbing, Jared laughed. " I'm afraid you're just a big coward, aren't you?"

"You're right." The lion hid his face. "I am a coward. I haven't any courage at all. I even scare myself. Look at the bags under my eyes. I haven't slept in weeks."

"You could count sheep; that always works for me." For once, Misha seemed to be a little conciliatory.

"I tried that," said the lion, starting to sob again. "They started to argue with me about jumping over the fence, and they got nasty with me. I got scared."

"Oh, that's too bad." Eric shook his head and a couple of earwigs fell out. "Do you think the Wizard could help him, too?"

"Good idea," nodded Jared, "I don't see why not. Why don't you come with us?" He gestured towards the two others. Eric wants a brain, and Misha has no heart. I'm sure that the Wizard could find you some courage without even blinking."

"You know, I was in a movie called Devour. Doesn't that put you off?" asked the lion, scrubbing at his eyes. "I'd feel kinda stupid if I were you, and people saw you with me."

"Of course we wouldn't." Jared sounded pretty darned certain. Misha looked at him with one tin eyebrow raised.

"We wouldn't?" he asked.

"We wouldn't." Jared looked pretty sure of himself. "I was in ‘The Christmas Cottage'." I have no room for false pride.

"See, that's big of you!" The lion presented his hand to Jared. "My name is Jensen, and I am a coward," he said. "Thank you for helping me."

As the four of them set off along the yellow brick road again, Harley, who has been sniffing around in an attempt to find out where Sadie went, began to howl.

Jared didn't notice at first, but when he realized that Harley wasn't following them, he turned around and called to his dog. Harley stood at bay for a moment, but finally, he gave a doggie shrug and followed his master, wondering if this was such a good idea after all.

The Wicked Witch of the West was peering into a crystal, rubbing her hands and cackling. As she watched the crystal that was tracking our intrepid heroes, she was also mixing a bowl of poison. The contents of the basin in her hands glowed green and seethed as she added more noxious ingredients. Finally, she held her basin over the crystal and watches the scene within it change to reveal a field of poppies.

"Ahahhahahahaaah!" She looked on as the poison in her bowl dripped onto, and then into the crystal, tarnishing the poppies within for a brief moment before vanishing inside them as if they had never been touched.

"You wouldn't give me those boots, and I want them! Oh, yesss, my precioussss..." She rubbed her hands together. "And now that he's with you, I really can't let things slide any longer."

Meanwhile, the four companions had made it out of the forest, and were chatting happily as they went on their way. The lion was telling them about his ambition to go to Hollywood and be discovered, and Eric had chimed in with his ambition to write a really scary movie. Misha, who had been listening to their conversation, suddenly decided that he would like to be discovered too, and Jared was beginning to tell them all about how it felt to act on TV, when they reached the top of a hill, and there before them in the distance they could see the Emerald City.

"Oh, my God, check it out!" said Jared. "I think we're nearly there! That's just got to be the Emerald City."

Harley barked his agreement, and Eric scratched his head. "What makes you think it's the Emerald City?" he asked, looking baffled.

"It's green, duh!" Misha shook his head at the scarecrow. "You really do need a brain, don't you?"

"I do wish you'd be nice to everyone," said Jared, impatient now as he could see their destination. "And just... just hurry up. I want to get back to Vancouver before they miss me."

"Well, come on, then. What are we waiting for?" Jensen began to trot forward, Harley at his side.

"Nothing! Let's hurry!" Eric took off after him, shedding leaves and the occasional bug as he went. Misha looked at Jared and shrugged, then gave a sigh and began to run after them along the roadway and down to a field that was full of bright poppies. Chuckling, Jared followed. "Wow," he murmured as he entered the field. All around him were blossoms of flaming scarlet, and he bent to pick one of them as he went.

The whole gang was running, joyful as they approached the emerald city. Harley barked as he loped along, happy to stretch his limbs for a change. Jared was the first to notice. He suddenly paused, staggered and put one hand to his head. "Something's gone wrong," he said. "What's happening? I can't run any more; I feel so..."

"Here, said Jensen, holding out his hand. "Let me tow you along."

"I don't think I can..." Jared yawned widely, and then caught sight of Harley who had lain down and was now apparently asleep amongst the poppies.

"No, Harley. C'mon! We've got to get to the Emerald City. You can't rest now – we're so close." Jared staggered and then yawned, slumping down onto his knees and then to lie on his side with his head amongst the poppies.

"Oh, no." Jensen rushed forward to kneel beside Jared. "Wake up, Jared. You have to wake up. Something's wrong." He yawned and then pitched forward to lie across Jared's slumbering form, begging for Jared to wake up.

There was a sudden cackling sound, and as Eric looked around for the source, first Misha and then he began to quake as they realized who it was that had arranged for this to happen.

The witch, observing through her scrying crystal, was still laughing shrilly.

"At last," shrieked the witch. "I need my wishing cap. I'll send my winged monkeys to get me my boots. Hurry up, you cretinous imbeciles!"

As she's ranting, her two winged assistants, Chris and Steve, appear at her side and grovel. "You called us, oh, mighty queen?" The blond haired minion rubbed his hands together. "What can we do for you?"

"This is awful." Misha was wringing his hands, unsure what to do.

"Here, Lion," called Eric. "Can you help me pick him up?"

"That's brilliant," said Jensen. "I can pick him up, no problem." He scrambled up and bent to gather the sleeping Jared in his arms. "Someone needs to get Harley though. Jared won't be happy if we leave him behind." He took a step and then stumbled. "Oh, no. Something is keeping me from taking him out of the field. It's magic, isn't it? It's a spell. I'm scared."

"Oh, no! This is a spell, this is!" Eric's knees knocked together as he looked around for the witch. Misha huddled close to the others, and wondered what they could do. There was another strident laugh, and Misha clung to Eric.

"It's the Wicked Witch! What'll we do? Help! HELP!" Misha's voice rang across the poppy field.

"It's no use screaming at a time like this! Nobody will hear you! Help!" Eric was equally shrill, while Jensen, who was still carrying Jared's comatose form, stood hugging his burden to him and weeping softly.

None of them saw Sadie, who had appeared at the edge of the field of poppies and waved her wand. As the three companions lamented their plight, it began to snow, huge, fat flakes of white that drifted down from the hitherto cloudless sky to fall noiselessly over the poppies.

"Look - It's snowing." Eric turned around in a circle, head back as he watched the snowflakes as they whirled faster and faster. "It isn't snowing. It couldn't be! But it is. No, it isn't. Yes, it is. Oh, maybe that'll help."

"I guess you don't need us any more," growled Misha, his voice beginning to squeak. "You seem to be able to have a complete conversation with yourself."

As the poppies were slowly obscured with the blanket of white, Jared yawned and awoke to find himself cradled in Jensen's arms. For a moment he looked quite pleased, but then the lion hastily set him down on his feet and stepped back

"The snow! It's helped. You woke..." Misha's jaw froze as he was speaking and Jared, suddenly regaining his senses, stopped gazing longingly into Jensen's eyes and dove for the oilcan.

"There's always time for lube," he announced, oiling up his companion.

Back in her lair, the witch was still watching the scene through her scrying glass. "Curses," she hissed, aiming a kick at Steve as he scurried past. Curse it! Curse it! Somebody always helps that idiot. But boots or no boots, I'm still great enough to conquer her. And woe to those who try to stop me!"

"Woe," murmured Steve, rubbing his hands together obsequiously.

"Thrice woe," said Chris, not to be outdone.

"Shut up," screamed the witch, hurling her scrying glass across the room. "You give me a headache."

Reaching for her broomstick, she clambered onto the windowsill. "If you want something doing, I guess you have to do it yourself," she said, flying out of the window. "To Emerald City, as fast as you can."

Back in the poppy field, Jared and his companions had resumed their onward journey and were now almost through the field and very close to the Emerald City. "Come on, guys, let's get going. Look. Emerald City is closer than ever! We're almost there."

As the five of them arrive at the gate to the Emerald City, they reached for the bell and a doorman popped his head out through a little window in the door.

"Who rang that bell?" he asked.

"That would be me," said Jared.

"Can't you read?" The doorman looked decidedly grumpy. "Ya idjits."

"Read what?" Eric looked baffled.

"The notice." The doorman went to close his little window. "It's on the door, as plain as the nose on my face. It... Oh..." He pushed the door open, hung a sign on the door and then went back in and closed the door again. Finally, he shut his little window.

"What does it say?" Eric peered at the notice.

"Bell out of order. Please knock." Misha smirked, and Jared leant forward to knock on the door.

"Well, that's more like it. Now, state your business!" The doorman reappeared, and this time he didn't look quite so surly.

"We want to see the Wizard," said Jared, looking hopeful.

"Ooooh! The Wizard? But nobody can see the Great Oz! Nobody's ever seen the Great Oz! Even I've never seen him, although I actually do have a summoning ritual I've been meaning to test out sometime."

"If you've never seen the wizard, how do you know there is one?" Jared was looking a little angry now, and the doorman was about to speak, but looking at the size of Jared, he gave a sigh and opened the door.

"Sir. I've got to see the Wizard! Sadie, the Good Witch of the North sent me!" Jared walked forward

"Prove it." The doorman peered up at Jared as if he were some kind of peculiar new breed of animal.

"He's wearing the magic boots she gave him," said Eric, pointing at Jared's footwear.

"Hmmm..." The doorman peered down at the boots and muttered, "Christo," under his breath, apparently waiting for something to happen. When it didn't, he straightened up and nodded. "In that case, I guess you'd better come in."

The little party trooped through the gate, and Jared gave the gatekeeper a dimpled smile of thanks that caused Jensen to growl a little. It seemed as though the lion was starting to be jealous of anyone else that got Jared's attention.

They were walking towards the palace when they heard the familiar sound of the witch, shrieking. Looking up with sinking hearts – except for Misha, who of course didn't have a heart to sink – they spied the witch astride her broomstick, long red hair trailing in the wind as she flew overhead.

"Oh, my God," said Misha. "Can't that female take no for an answer?"

"Surrender Jared, or you'll all die horribly," bellowed the witch, and around them the inhabitants of the Emerald City all began to mutter, wanting to know who Jared was, and why he was there.

"We'd better hurry if we're going to see the Wizard," said Eric, looking around fearfully as the crowds of people threatened to become a mob.

"G...g...good idea." Jensen had taken hold of Jared's hand and was tugging him forward. The whole group suddenly burst into a run, and made for the palace that stood on one side of the main square.

They were brought up short by a very large, tattooed guard who had a shaved head and an extremely intimidating air.

"Whoa! Hold it, folks. Where do you think you're going?" the guard asked.

"If you please, sir. We want to see the Wizard right away — all four of us." Jared was playing his best card – the puppy dog eyes. Harley gave a sudden bark, and Jared looked down at him, shook his head and then corrected himself. "Sorry. I meant all five of us."

"Orders are that nobody can see the Great Oz!" The guard folded his arms across a chest that was at least 48 inches around. "And that means nobody."

"You don't understand. It's imperative that we see him." Jared was beginning to think that he would never get home.

"Sorry, man, but my orders were that nobody could go in. Not nobody except for a party of ragtag ramblers with a robot, a bunch of wild animals and a rag doll. Nobody. You get it?" The guard shook his head. "Go away."

"But why?" Jared bit his lip. This was so not going the way he wanted it to go.

"He's in conference with himself on account of this trouble with the Witch. And even if he wasn't you wouldn't have been able to see him anyway on account of nobody ever has – not even us in the Palace."

"But... but he's Jared!" Eric had stepped forward to join in the argument.

"The Witch's Jared?" The guard studied Jared with a faintly awed expression. "Well, I suppose that does make a difference. Just wait here. I'll go and announce you." With that, the guard marched inside the palace and out of sight.

"Did you hear that? He'll announce us at once." Eric was hopping up and down in anticipation. "I've as good as got my brain!"

"I can fairly hear my heart beating," murmured Misha, patting his chest.

"I'll be brave enough to ask the one I really love to be mine..." Jensen looked a little panicked at his own words, and the others all stared at him, astonished. Jared was about to say something to him, when the guard reappeared. Turning towards him expectantly, the companions didn't at first quite take in what he was saying.

"Go on home! The Wizard says go away." The guard was vehement.

"Go away?" Jared looked devastated.

"Guess we came a long way for nothing," said Eric, slumping a little in disappointment.

"Oh, and I was so happy! I thought I was on my way home." Jared sagged too, and Jensen put his arms around him, patting his back in an effort to console him.

"Don't cry, Jared." Misha looked strangely affected by Jared's distress. "We're going to get you to the Wizard."

"We certainly are!" Eric nodded so vehemently that his hat fell off. He bent to pick it up, dislodging a couple of nesting squirrels. "Uh... how? How are we?"

"Would...would it do any good if I roared?" Jensen clung to Jared's side, patting him nervously.

"Who at?" Ever practical, Misha seemed to be considering this.

"I don't know." Jensen hung his head, dejected.

"They were all so good to me, Jeannie and Shannon and Sera and Phil and even Robert. I never appreciated it the way I should've." Jared burst into tears all over again, and everyone else began to sob along with him, including the guard.

"They'll cancel the show, and it's all my fault. Oh, I'll never forgive myself! Never, never, never!"

The guard, who until then had been standing impassively guarding the doorway, suddenly spoke. "Awww, come on! Please don't cry any more. I'll get you into the Wizard somehow. Come on. I had a role in a TV show myself once. I played a thug called Tiny..."

As the Guard, who Jared now thought of as Tiny, led the way into the palace, Jensen backed away. "I'm scared," he mumbled. The others grabbed him as he was about to flee.

"Come on, Jen, come on. We're about to find the Wizard. You've come this far. You can't back out now."

A loud voice suddenly proclaimed, "The Wizard - The Wizard - The Great and Powerful Wizard of Oz - Oz - Oz-Oz - Oz - Oz - Oz - Oz!"

Jensen leaped into Jared's arms at that and buried his face in Jared's chest.

"The Great Wizard of Oz bids you to come forward!" The voice was still loud, and somehow scarily familiar to Jared. They all stepped forward, and Jensen, who was still clinging to Jared, whimpered. "Tell me when it's over."

Looking up, the group saw a magnificent golden throne, and from it was emitting a whole display of varicolored smoke and flames. Jensen gave a huge, gulping sob. "Oh, my God! Look at that! Look at that! Oh, Ohhhh, I want to go home. I want to go home!"

"I am Oz, the Great and Powerful!" The voice seemed to come from all around them, and the companions all huddled closer together, visibly trembling. "Who are you?"

Jared looked somewhat uncertain, but stepped forward and introduced himself. "I'm Jared Padalecki," he said. "And I'm not even slightly great or powerful, so I've come to ask you..."

"Silence!" The boom of the voice made Jared's jaw click shut.

"The Great and Powerful Oz knows why you have come. Step forward, Tin Man."

"Me?" Misha gulped, eyes bulging as he took a shaky step forward.

"You dare to come to me for a heart, do you?" The voice rumbled out, and Misha's knees began to knock together. "You clinking, clanking, clattering collection of cretinous junk?"

"Ohhhh, yes... yes, sir. You see, a while back, we were walking down the Yellow Brick Road, and..." Who knows what Misha intended to say, because the voice boomed out once more.

"Quiet!" Flames poured from the throne and Misha turned and went to hide behind Jared, shoving Jensen out of his spot there as he cowered.

"And you, Scarecrow, have the effrontery to ask for a brain? You billowing bale of bovine fodder!"

Y-Yes. Yes, Your Honor, I mean, Your Excellency, I, I mean... Your Wizardship..."

"Enough!" As Eric curled into a huddle, the voice summoned Jensen. "And you, Lion..." Jensen groaned with fear as he slowly went forward. The throne spat a gout of flame, and the poor lion fainted dead away, falling down to the floor while Jared tried his best to stop him from banging his head.

There was a pause while Jared made sure that Jensen hadn't hurt himself, and then he rounded on the thrown. "You ought to be ashamed of yourself, frightening him like that, when he came to you for help."

"Silence, whippersnapper!" The voice was louder than ever, and the three remaining companions collapsed down to sit on the floor, scared to death of what they might hear next.

"The beneficent Oz has every intention of granting your requests," boomed the voice, and it was so far from what they were expecting him to say that they didn't compute. Jensen was the first one to get it. He awoke from his swoon and sat bolt upright, his eyes staring wildly.

"What's that? What'd he say?" He looked around himself as if trying to find a convenient hiding place.

"Jensen, you woke up. Oh, thank goodness." Jared looked as if he was about to burst into tears.

"No, listen!" Jensen gripped Jared's hand and allowed himself to be pulled back to his feet. "Listen to what he's saying."

"Oz will grant your wishes," boomed the voice. "But first, you must prove yourselves worthy by performing a very small task. Bring me the broomstick of the Witch of the West."

"B-B-B-B-B-But if we do that, we'll have to kill her to get it." Misha swallowed grimly, then opened his mouth to start arguing. The voice of Oz cut him short.

"Bring me her broomstick, and I'll grant your requests. Now go!"

"But, but what if she kills us first?" asked Jensen, his voice quavery, expecting to be smacked down, and sure enough, the voice cut across him.

"I said, go!"

Poor Jensen jumped with fright and turned tail, running out of the throne room and into the corridor. Deaf to Jared's calls, he dove out of the window and was gone.

The haunted forest was full of weird trees and stunted undergrowth. To Jared, it felt as if he'd been walking for days without ceasing, and he wondered if it was too late now to save Supernatural by getting back to Vancouver. He had a feeling that everyone would've been sent home already. Still, when they finally came to a signpost, he felt a glow of satisfaction as he bent to read what was written on it.

HAUNTED FOREST WITCHES CASTLE
1 MILE

I'D TURN BACK IF I WERE YOU!

"I'd turn back if I were you," muttered Jensen. He growled. "As if!"

A sudden sound made him jump and cling to Jared. When they looked around, all they could see were two owls on the limb of a tree. As they watched, the owls made a sound very like laughter and then flew away.

"Listen, guys," said Jared, gently setting Jensen back onto his feet. "From now on, we're on enemy ground. You should have something to protect yourself with."

"You can have my Witch Remover," said Jensen, fumbling in his pocket for a small, flat flask. "It's 100% proof."

"Does it work?" Jared sniffed at the contents, which smelled decidedly alcoholic.

"Kinda," admitted Jensen. "Once you drink it you don't care about witches any more."

"Jeez! Gimme that thing." Eric grabbed the flask and tossed it into the undergrowth. As it vanished into the herbage, they heard a bloodcurdling scream. "You know something?" The scarecrow began frantically searching for the flask again. "I believe there are spooks around here. Maybe a vengeful spirit or two. Possibly even a white lady..."

"That's ridiculous!" Misha glanced around fearfully as he was speaking. "Spooks? That's silly."

"Don't you believe in spooks?" Jensen appeared to be trying to climb Jared as he spoke.

"Of course not." Misha seemed completely calm, "Why all you have to do is focus, center yourselves. Get in tune with the cosmic all, and..."

Something white and ghostly rushed at Misha as he was speaking, and he fell to the ground.

Jensen hid his eyes and clung to Jared as it floated away through the trees, and it was left to Eric to help Misha back to his feet.

Jensen, his eyes closed tight, was speaking. "I do believe in spooks, I do believe in spooks. I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I..."

In the witch's lair there was an image of Jensen in her crystal ball. The witch and her two winged monkeys were watching with amusement.

"What a dweeb," Chris laughed. "Best believe there are spooks, dweeb!"

"Yeah. Did you see how his knees knocked together when he heard that owl? He's not fit to bear the name of lion." Steve's mocking tones were cut across by the witch, who had been peering intently at her present victim.

"I dunno, boys. I think he's kinda cute. I may keep him... for a while." She gave a low, evil laugh. "I think he'd be a lot of fun to play with; don't you?"

The lion's voice filtered through the crystal. "...do believe in spooks. I do believe in spooks! I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do!"

"You'll believe in more than that before I've finished with you, pretty boy." She turned to Chris and Steve. "Take your army to the Haunted Forest, and bring me that man and his dog – oh, and I'll have the lion, too. Do what you like with the others, but I want him alive and unharmed! They'll give you no trouble, I promise you that. I've sent a little insect on ahead to take the fight out of them. Take special care of those boots though. I want those most of all. Now, fly! Fly! Bring me that man and his footwear! Fly! Fly! Fly!"

Back in the forest, the companions were drawing nearer and nearer to the witch's lair. They were moving along really fast, none of them caring to be separated from the others, for fear of something dreadful happening.

They were within sight of the castle when the lion suddenly growled. There was a bug on his nose, and he seemed to be transfixed by it.

As Misha stepped forward to slap it away, the bug bit Jensen's nose.

"What's that? What's that? Take it away; take it away." He burst into tears.

"Hold still, willya!" Misha was trying to smack at the bug on Jensen, and yelled as another bit him on the neck. Suddenly they were all leaping and dancing around as more and more of the creatures attacked them.

Jensen ran over to stand behind a tree in the hopes that they wouldn't notice him, and the tree extended a knotty branch and caught hold of his tail.

Eric ran in to free Jensen's tail, and the tree grabbed hold of him, wrapping leafy branches around him to hold him tightly. It took him a lot of thrashing about to get free, and by the time he'd done so, Jared had been captured by a second tree.

Misha, who had watched this go down, tugged his axe from where it hung at his belt and began to chop at the tree holding Jared. As soon as he raised his axe, the closest limb of the tree hit him over the head, causing him to stagger and drop his axe.

Just at that moment, Chris and Steve, along with an army of winged monkeys, flew overhead.

"Oh, shit!" The little band began to run, but it was hopeless, and pretty soon they were surrounded. Misha swung his axe, but was soon overcome, and it was only a moment before he and Eric went down, overwhelmed by the superior force.

Jensen was in the center of group of monkeys, fighting grimly but all too soon, he too was overwhelmed, and two monkeys gathered up his unconscious body and flew away.

Harley had sunk his teeth into one monkey, but the monkey was soon joined by others, and he too was soon on his way to the witch's castle, while Chris and Steve didn't take long to get Jared in a firm grip despite his struggles, and took off with him, crowing with triumph.

Back on the ground, Eric was in a sorry state. The monkeys had ripped him to shreds, and he lay crying "Help me, somebody, help!"

"What?" Misha was attempting to pull his tin hat back from over his eyes. When he finally succeeded, he came over to where Eric was lying. "Good God, man, what happened to you?"

"They tore my legs off, and they threw them over there." Eric indicated the remains of his limbs in the clutches of one of the trees. "Then they took my chest out, and they threw it over there..."

"Well, that's you all over, isn't it?" Misha struck a pose in honor of his own wit. "They've sure knocked the stuffing out of you, haven't they?"

Eric rolled his eyes. "Don't stand there talking. Put me together. We've got to go find Jared and help him escape. God knows what that witch is going to do to him."

Misha was recovering Eric's body parts, trying to piece them together. He got a little snarled up with the legs, and it was several attempts later when he got them on the right way round with both feet facing forwards."

"Oh, poor Jared. We may never see him again." Eric seemed about to cry. "What do you suppose those monkeys will do to him? Why did I have to go to pieces at a time like this?"

"Now, now, don't fret." Misha was busily stuffing Eric's chest back in place, and shooed out a little mouse that seemed intent on eating some of its contents. "I'll get you together again in no time."

Meanwhile, Jared was waking up in the witch's lair to find he was tied to a chair. He blinked as he came awake, and saw the witch herself. She was seated behind a large, mahogany desk on which resided a laptop and a nameplate which read, ‘Ms. D. Harris, Witch'. Harley was seated beside her, looking rather cowed. He was muzzled and had a harness and leash that was tethered to her chair. Behind her, Chris and Steve were high-fiving and generally being obnoxious as they celebrated the success of their mission.

"What a nice little doggie," trilled the witch. "And you, my dear Sasquatch, What an unexpected pleasure! It's so kind of you to visit me in my loneliness."

"What are you going to do with Harley? Give him back to me." Jared looked around himself and spotted Jensen lying in one corner, bound and gagged. "And Jensen. Let Jensen go at once."

"All in good time, my pretty – all in good time." The Witch took up an extremely long, sharp dagger and began cleaning her nails with it.

"Come on, please give me back my dog." Jared was testing his bonds, trying for any leeway, but they seemed to be very tight.

"Certainly I will. All I need from you is to give me those boots you're wearing."

"I can't do that. Sadie told me not to."

"Very well." The witch turned to Chris. Take that dog and throw him in the river and drown him." She aimed a kick at Harley as she was speaking.

"Oh, no!" Jared looked stricken. "Here, you can have your stupid boots. Just give me back Harley."

"Hah! I knew you'd see reason." The witch reached for Jared's feet, and her hand touched the boots, ready to pull them off Jared's feet. As it did so, there was a rumbling sound and the castle and everything in it began to shake. The witch began to shriek.

"I'm sorry. I didn't do it! Can I still have my dog?" Jared had found a weakness in the ropes that held his hands and was working very hard to free himself. Over in the corner he could see that Jensen was doing the same thing.

"No! Fool that I am! I should have remembered that those boots will never come off, not as long as you're alive."

"What are you gonna do?" Jared was almost free. He almost had the knot untied, and if he could only... In the corner, in the periphery of his vision he could see that Jensen was working his way free too.

The witch's smile was pure evil as she looked down on Jared. "What do you think I'm going to do? But that's not what's worrying me — it's how to do it. These things must be done delicately or you can damage the spell."

Jensen, who was now free, had crept over to where Harley was tethered, and released his leash. Suddenly free, the dog made a break for it, leaping out the window and away even as the witch screamed at Chris and Steve to stop him.

"He got away! He got away!" crowed Jared, still wrestling with the very last knot.

"That's more than you will! Damn you and your dog! You've been more trouble to me than you're worth, one way or another, but it'll soon be over now!" Turning to Chris and Steve, she slapped them. "Don't just stand there, idiots! Go after him. Bring him back."

Nodding and saluting, the two chastened monkeys leapt out of the window after Harley.

"There. Now, that's the best we can do without any pins." Misha had just put the finishing touches to Eric, and was standing back to admire his handiwork as Harley suddenly appeared through the trees. "Harley! Where's he come from?"

Eric bent to remove the muzzle and harness from Harley, who barked once in thanks and gripped Eric's pants leg, tugging on him in an attempt to make him follow.

"Hey, check it out. He's come to take us to find the other two." He bent to pat Harley. "Good dog! Good Harley. Come on, boy."

Meanwhile, Jared, still fumbling with the last knot, was watching the Witch menacing Jensen. Jensen cowered as she stalked around him, pinching his butt and making obscene lip smacking noises.

For a moment it seemed as if all was lost, and then, finally, the rope snaked free and Jared leapt to his feet. Stumbling over to the Witch's desk, he snatched the knife that she'd been using to clean her nails and made for the witch herself.

At the last minute, she turned around, and her face contorted with fury as she waved her hand. Jared could feel himself freeze as the spell she'd cast on him took effect, and with a despairing yell he threw the knife to Jensen just as he was frozen in place.

All he could do was watch as Jensen bent to pick it up, and as the Witch stepped forward, intent on scratching out Jared's eyes, Jensen struck, driving the knife into her from behind.

"Jensen, you rock!" Jared gave the lion a relieved smile as the Witch's body began to dissolve away into black vapor.

"I did it for you, Jared," said Jensen, smiling shyly. "I couldn't bear to see her hurt you." He stepped a little closer. "I... I think I've fallen in love with you."

For a moment, Jared said nothing, and then he held his arms open wide and smiled. "Come on, Jen. Come here." The two of them melted together in a long, sweet kiss, and that's how the others found them when they entered the castle.

Just then, Chris and Steve, who had flown after Harley, arrived back into the room and stood aghast, gazing at the smudge on the floor that had been the wicked witch. "She's dead? You've killed her"

"Uh, yeah, she is. Sorry." Jared seemed a little shifty about the fact, and Jensen stepped forward.

"She was evil, you know. She was going to scratch Jared's eyes out, and then kill him."

"Yep, we know." Steve stepped forward to hug Jensen. "Thank you so much." Chris nodded his agreement and the two of them high fived each other again and danced around whooping and hollering.

"You mean, you're... you're all happy about it?" Jared's jaw dropped.

"Very happy." Steve nodded.

Chris beamed. "Yeah. Now she won't be able to stop us playing our music any more."

"Well, perhaps you'll be kind enough to show us where she kept her broom" Eric came forward. "We kind of need it. You can have it back once we're done with it."

Steve went to the closet in the corner and pulled out the broomstick. "Here you go. Take it with you." He delved into the corner of the cupboard. "Hey, Chris, our guitars are here."

He handed Chris an instrument and then emerged carrying his own. "I feel like I should be singing something about the witch being dead. I'll have to write a song."

"Thank you so much." Jared was clinging to the broom. "Now we can go back to the Wizard and tell him the Wicked Witch is dead." He slipped his arm around Jensen and bent to place a soft kiss on the lion's lips. "And it's all because of you."

The throne room in the Emerald City hadn't changed much. There was the obligatory thunder and smoke, and varicolored flames sparking from the seat of the throne.

As the companions filed in, the thunderous voice of Oz sounded out, rattling the windows and making them all quake in their boots.

"Can I believe my eyes? Why have you come back?"

Jared stepped forward. "Please, Mr. Wizard, sir, we've done what you told us. We've brought you the broomstick of the Wicked Witch of the West. We melted her."

There was a moment's puzzled silence, and then the voice resumed. "Oh? You vaporized her, eh? Very resourceful!"

"Yes, sir. So we'd like you to keep your promise to us, if you please, sir." Jared was quivering with excitement, and the others were vibrating right along with him, all except for Harley, who was sniffing around the edges of the throne room."

"Not so fast! Not so fast! I'll have to give the matter a little thought. Go away and come back tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?" Jared frowned. "But I want to go home now. They'll strike the set, and everyone will blame me for killing the show."

"You've had plenty of time already." Misha was suddenly at Jared's side, glowering.

"Yeah!" Jensen, his face like thunder, stepped up to his other side. "Don't promises mean anything to you?"

"Do not arouse the wrath of the Great and Powerful Oz! I said come back tomorrow!" The smoke belched forth from the throne, and the four of them slowly backed away.

"If you were really great and powerful, you'd keep your promises," snapped Jared.

Harley had reached the corner of the room where there was a curtain, and giving a sharp bark, he tugged on it, pulling it back.

"Do you presume to criticize the Great Oz? You ungrateful creatures!" As the voice bellowed the admonishment, Harley finally yanked back the curtain to reveal a blonde woman at a console full of controls. Her back was to the room, and she didn't immediately perceive that she'd been exposed. "Think yourselves lucky that I'm giving you audience tomorrow, instead of twenty years from now..." She suddenly realized that she'd been exposed and turned away from the microphone into which she'd been speaking. "Oh, shit!"

She peered out from behind the curtain and the four companions peered back at her with astonishment.

"Just who the hell are you?" Jared growled, folding his arms across his chest and stepping forward.

The blonde sneaked another peek from her refuge, shuddered and then ducked back out of sight, and the voice of Oz boomed out again. "Pay no attention to that woman behind the curtain. Go, before I lose my temper! The Great and..."

Jared yanked back the curtain as she bent forward to speak into the microphone again. The others crowded round behind him, and she faltered, her mouth closing as she stared at them, wide eyed.

"Who are you?" Jared's question hung in the air for a moment. Finally, the blonde hung her head and spoke.

"Well, I...I... I am the Great and Powerful Wizard of Oz."

"You are?" Jared gaped.

"Uhhhh, yes..."

"I don't believe you." Jared squinted at her. "You look like... you look like Dawn Ostroff."

"No, I'm afraid it's true. There's no other Wizard except me." The blonde nodded. "And yes, my name is Dawn."

"You humbug!" Eric shook his fist.

"Yeah!" Jensen had his hands on his hips, and he growled menacingly.

"Yes. That... that's exactly so." Dawn nodded. "I'm a humbug!"

"Oh damn!" Jared drooped. "You're a very bad person!"

"I'll have you know that I'm a very good person. I'm just a very bad Wizard." Dawn hung her head. "But on the bright side, I am the one responsible for Gossip Girl."

Eric shuddered. "Well, you'd better be good enough to send Jared back to Vancouver."

"Uh - now, please don't be angry with me. I'll...I'll do anything you say, only... just don't shout at me. It makes me nervous." The Wizard spread her hands as if to ask them not to blame her.

"It makes you nervous?" Jensen seemed astonished.

"And what about us?" Eric was still livid.

"Well, I..." She seemed about to say something else, but Eric hadn't finished.

"What about the heart that you promised Misha? What about the courage you promised Jensen? What about my brain?"

Well, I... but you've got them. You've had them all the time!" Dawn nodded.

"Oh, no we haven't!" Misha was the one that spoke this time. "You don't get around us that easily."

"What he said," nodded Jensen.

"You promised us real things - a real brain!" Eric was almost in tears.

"A real heart!" Misha put his arms around Eric, trying to console him.

"Real courage. That's what we want." Jensen looked at the other two for reassurance but held firm as he stood beside Jared.

"You do? Boys, you're aiming low. You not only surprise, but you grieve me." The companions peered at each other, puzzled by her words. "Why, anybody can have a brain. That's a very mediocre commodity. Every pusillanimous creature that crawls on the earth – or slinks through slimy seas has a brain! Back where I come from we have universities, seats of great learning, where men go to become great thinkers. When they come out, they think deep thoughts, with no more brains than you have. But... they have one thing you haven't got! A diploma!"

She reached back into her alcove and brought out several diplomas, selected one and presented it to the Scarecrow as Jared, Misha and Jensen looked on. "Therefore, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Committee of Wisdom, aka the CW, I hereby confer upon you, Eric Kripke, the honorary degree of Th.D."

"Th.D.?" Eric blinked.

"Dr. of Thinkology!" The wizard nodded as Eric began to dance for joy.

"The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side. Oh joy, rapture! I've got a brain!" Eric dropped to his knees and kissed the Wizard's hand. "How can I ever thank you enough?" he asked her.

"Well, you can't," said the wizard, grinning. "As for you, my fine friend," she said, turning to the lion. "You're a victim of disorganized thinking." Jensen blinked, confused as she continued. "You are under the unfortunate delusion that simply because you run away from danger, you have no courage. You're confusing courage with wisdom. Back where I come from, we have men who are called heroes. Once a year, they take their fortitude out of mothballs and parade it down the main street of the city. And they have no more courage than you have. But they have one thing that you haven't got!" With a flourish, she pulled out a small box, from which she extracted a shiny gold object. "A medal! Therefore, for meritorious conduct, extraordinary valor, and conspicuous bravery against wicked witches, I award you the Triple Cross."

Misha, Eric and Jared burst into spontaneous applause as they watched the Wizard present the medal to Jensen. Jensen seemed overcome by emotion as the shiny medal was pinned into his fur.

"You are now a member of the Legion of Courage!" said the Wizard, leaning forward to kiss Jensen on both cheeks.

"Dude," mumbled Jensen. "I'm speechless!" He turned to Jared, who hugged him and kissed his cheeks as well.

"As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart," said Dawn, turning to Misha. "You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable. I could have been a world figure, a power among men, the head of a fledgling network, had I not been obstructed by a heart."

"But I still want one." Misha was adamant, and the others all cheered him on.

"Back where I come from there are men who do nothing all day but good deeds. They are called phil... er, er, phil... er, yes...good-deed-doers. And their hearts are no bigger than yours. But! They have one thing you haven't got! A testimonial!"

Misha waited, his mouth open as the Wizard bent down and took a heart-shaped watch from her black bag. She presented it to Misha amidst thunderous applause from the others.

"Therefore, in consideration of your kindness, I take pleasure at this time in presenting you with a small token of our esteem and affection. And remember, my sentimental friend, that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others."

Misha listened to the watch, and then held it up to Jared's ear. "Listen! It ticks," he announced. It seemed as though he was going to be satisfied, but suddenly he turned back to Dawn. "But wait. What about Jared? He still needs to get back to Vancouver. How is he going to get back to his show?"

"I don't think you've got anything in that black bag that'll help me, do you?" said Jared, watching the Wizard skeptically.

The Wizard, who had been rummaging in the bag, looked up. "I guess I'm going to have to do something drastic to get you home."

"Oh?" And what's that?" Misha's voice was still as sarcastic as ever, but Dawn didn't seem to mind.

"I'll just have to appear in public," she said. "Come on."

Out in the Public Square of Emerald City, everyone was gathered around a platform that had been hastily erected. The Wizard was standing in the basket of a balloon as the others watched. Harley had jumped into the basket with him, and Jared was saying his goodbyes to the companions who had helped him so much.

"Take me with you?" Jensen clung to him, his big green eyes woebegone as he pressed himself close.

"I want to." Jensen kissed him, large palms framing his face, and neither of them noticed that the balloon was rising into the air behind them.

"Jared! Jared! Look! The balloon!" Misha was yelling now, trying to attract Jared's attention. "The balloon's going up!"

As the balloon floated away bearing Harley and the wizard, Jared finally drew back from Jensen and realized what had just happened. "Oh, no! Now I'll never get home!"

"Stay with me, Jared. I love you. I don't want you to go." The lion buried his face in Jared's shoulder.

"I have to go, Jensen. So many peoples' jobs depend on me." Jared looked around, scared. "Eric, what can I do?"

"Look! Here's someone who can help you!" Eric pointed, and as everyone followed his gesture, Sadie could be seen up on the platform.

"Oh, please, Sadie, will you help me?" Jared turned full-on puppy eyes on Sadie. "Can you help me?"

Sadie just laughed. "Jared, you don't need to be helped any longer. You've always had the power to go back to Vancouver."

"I have?" Jared frowned.

"Then why didn't you tell him before?" asked Eric.

"Because he wouldn't have believed me." Sadie panted a little. "He had to learn it for himself."

"What have you learned, Jared?" asked Misha, looking intrigued.

"I think basically that you can find love at the weirdest times. You don't have to look for it. It'll find you. I don't think I ever really lost it to begin with." He twined his fingers in Jensen's and smiled at Sadie. "Is that right?"

"That's all it is!" Sadie nodded and stepped forward to lick Jared's face.

"But that's so easy! I should have thought of it for you." Eric was grinning.

"Well, I should have felt it in my heart," said Misha, nodding.

"No. He had to find it out for himself." Sadie let out a little, barking chuckle. "Now, those magic boots will take you home in two seconds flat."

"That's awesome." Jared grinned his widest smile, and then it suddenly faded as he realized that he would need to say goodbye to his companions. "It's going to be really hard to say goodbye. I love you all so much. Goodbye, Misha." As the tears rolled down the tin man's cheeks, Jared gulped. "Oh, don't cry. You'll get all rusted again. Here — here's your oil-can. Goodbye."

"Now I know I've got a heart, because it's breaking." Misha's cheeks were wet with tears, and he took the oil-can from Jared and clung to it.

Eric stood looking miserable. "Goodbye," he mumbled. "I'll write a script for you; just wait and see."

"That would be awesome." Jared hugged him briefly and then turned to the lion.

"Jensen, I'll miss you most of all." He bent to kiss Jensen one last time. "Something tells me that I'll see you again really soon, though."

Jensen swallowed and stepped back, but he didn't say anything, merely hung hid head, dejected.

"Are you ready now?" Sadie placed her paw on Jared's arm.

"As ready as I'll ever be," said Jared, casting a yearning glance back at Jensen.

"Well, okay then, close your eyes, and tap your heels together three times and think to yourself, ‘there's no place like home; there's no place like home; there's no place like home'."

Jared began to murmur the phrase over and over as Sadie laughed and the people of the Emerald City all waved.

Everything faded into mist as Jared mumbled.

:There's no place like home; there's no place like home..."

"Jay, Jay, come on. It's me, Jensen..."

Opening his eyes Jared looked around himself to find that he was lying on the ground beside the trailer, and that Jensen was on his knees beside him.

"Jay, love, wake up."

Jared struggled to sit, and stared at Jensen in amazement. "What did you call me?" he asked.

Jensen blushed a deep plum, freckles obliterated by the tide of blood. "I... uh..."

"Did you just call me love?" Jared beamed. "You love me?"

Nodding, Jensen reached to cup Jared's cheek. "Yeah, I do. Sorry if that's creepy to you."

"No, not creepy at all." Raising his own hand to capture Jensen's and press it to his face, Jared beamed at his roommate. "Been waiting for five years to hear you say that."

And as the others who had rushed to help Jared looked on, the two of them finally kissed.

"Okay, folks, break it up." Misha's voice was loud but surprisingly gentle, and as the two men knelt together and continued to kiss, the crowd that had gathered slowly dispersed.

By the time the two men drew apart, the only ones left were Jensen, Jared and the two dogs. Jared looked over at Sadie, frowning as he recalled the Good Witch of the North, and Sadie let her tongue loll out in a doggie grin. Reaching to pat her head, Jared turned to Jensen.

"Dude, you won't believe the dream I just had..."

And as the two men finally rose to their feet and headed into the warmth of the trailer, Sadie turned to Harley and winked. They knew what had happened... and they suspected that they also knew what would happen next!

Later that night, Steve Carlson, somewhere in Las Vegas, sat bolt upright in his bed and began to write down the words to the song in his head.

Reaching to pick up the phone, he dialed Chris Kane, who was in Portland, filming.

"Hey, man," he murmured. "I've got a new song. Listen."

Picking up the guitar that went everywhere with him, Steve began to sing.

"Ding dong, the witch is dead,

Which old witch, the wicked witch,

Ding dong, the wicked witch is dead..."

"Are you kidding me?" Chris sounded somewhat cranky, as befitted an actor with a call in two hours time. "That's been done before."

He slammed the phone down, leaving Steve looking at his guitar in blank amazement. Finally, he shrugged and put out the light. "Sometimes true genius is just not appreciated," he grumbled and drifted back to sleep.

---

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