Life in the Shadows
Fandom: The X-Files
Category/Rated: PG13
Year/Length: ~1800 words
Pairing: Mulder/Krycek
Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, only having fun.
Summary: Dead/Alive was a really good Alex show. What was he thinking about during the action?
Author's Notes: Another one that was written for a Lyric Wheel.
Oh, fuck, I can't stand this can't bear to look at you the way you are.
Remember me, Fox?
No, of course you don't; you're somewhere else, somewhere free from pain. I'm the one that's hurting as I look at you and remember how you used to be, back then when you loved me.
They told me you were dead, you know. They said you'd been processed and that you'd become a supersoldier if I let you live; that they'd already put the seeds into you.
I couldn't believe it.
I've never been one for excessive sentiment, but that thought made me weep. Fox, you've got to understand that I've never wept for anyone since I was eleven, but for you my tears were real and bitter. They're the only gifts I've ever been able to bring you the tears, and now this.
I'm holding it in my hand now warming it, as if the hulk lying here in the bed could possibly know the difference if I were to shoot it into you without any preparation. A syringe. I need a syringe. Fuck, but there's no time for messing around. Come on, Alex, get a move on! You have to be done and out of here before John Doggett can remember why you look so familiar to him and calls out the dogs.
Hell, Fox, you look pathetic, so grey and wasted and… and damaged. I don't want to say it, but you look… dead.
The backs of my eyes prickle, then burn, and I pinch my nose as I remember the last time we met. I will not let myself get mushy. I will not.
I shake my head angrily, but still the memories come.
Fox, you were so angry with me when you first saw me, so dead set on pushing my smile in through my face and out through the back of my neck, and I… For once, I managed to resist my usual urge to wind you up until you lost your temper. I was honest more honest than I'd ever been with you, and I still don't know why, although I'm glad that I did. I guess that I was hoping that you'd finally understand, and in a moment of forgiveness, you'd reach out and take my hand.
What followed was a miracle the only miracle I've ever known.
We talked around and around for what seemed like forever. I stood beside you, dreaming of you being even closer yet as I felt the heat from your body radiate to warm me. You'll never know how hard it was to resist the urge to reach out and take hold of your hand.
When the others had gone at last, leaving the two of us stripped of all our remaining hiding places, we made our peace at last. For the first time in years we held each other, made the kind of promises we'd always wanted to, but never quite could until now. The moment when we finally kissed after all those wasted years will live on for me until the day that I die.
Fox, your lips were softer than I'd remembered, and my need fueled the desire I felt for you. I ached to hold you, to bury myself in your flesh; to make you a part of me. I couldn't be gentle with you; I wanted you far too much.
It was over soon enough. Time only drags when you want it to hurry, and it flickered by as if we were celluloid lovers strutting for the cameras. The morning came, and we went our separate ways. I was going to see you again the following week, when you returned from your UFO hunt. We had vowed that we'd never be apart again. As I walked away that next morning, I never dreamed that would be the last time I'd ever see you.
Until now.
I'd heard you'd been found, but by the time I managed to claw my way back to DC from Europe, they'd planted you six feet under, and that seemed to be that.
Frantic, I talked with Absalom. When I got nowhere with him, I went to Jeremiah, but there was little joy there, either. They told me you were better off dead, that the essence of you was gone, and your shell would be possessed by the supersoldier that had been sown within it. I didn't believe that, because to believe there was no more Fox Mulder was more than I could bear.
I bargained; I begged; I got tough, and finally I promised them anything everything if only they'd bring you back to me.
And so, Fox, here I am, and here is this little vial of straw-colored liquid that looks for all the world like piss.
Who knows? Perhaps it actually is piss. My beloved human/alien hybrid, saved from possession by a bottle of alien rebel piss. Wouldn't that be a trip?
The thought makes me smile a little, but it's the kind of smile you see when someone is at the end of their rope. Fox, I guess that there's no choice but to try this. If it fails, well, I'd already lost you, but if it succeeds, who the hell knows? Maybe you'll be back, your old, ornery self, and no green blood to mar your humanity.
Maybe even if there was green blood, it wouldn't bother me in the slightest just so long as I had you back.
Jesus, Mary and Joseph, please let this rebel-piss bring you back. It's been a long time since I said any prayers, but looking at you now, I think it's time I gave in and embraced my faith again, even if only for a day.
The hypodermic is full. I've squirted out the first droplets to make sure there's no air in there, and now it's time for the money shot. I'm scared of what's going to happen when I stick this into your veins, although why, I haven't the faintest idea. It's not as if you could possibly get any worse, is it?
I bend to kiss your lips. They're grey and cracked, and I can't help contrasting the feel of them with that soft, juicy, open-mouthed kiss we shared that day after we'd gone over our plan of attack with the other players in our intergalactic game of Monopoly. Oh, Fox, please come back to me.
You were hesitant, at first. I could tell that you still didn't quite trust me, and I laid myself open to you. I told you everything… well, as much of everything as I could without compromising your safety, anyway. I shared with you, let down my defenses, and at last you understood. You believed me. You trusted me, and when you gave yourself to me, I entered heaven just for one day.
There's an old Chinese saying you'll hear a lot in Hong Kong, it goes, ‘One glass of wine is better spilled.' A single night with you was bliss, and then I lost you. Maybe it would be better if you'd continued to hate me.
I look at your unconscious form, see the ravages those barbaric bastards have wrought on you, and the wounds that hadn't had time to heal before…
For a moment, tears threaten, and I will not cry. I will not.
I remember you naked in my arms. I can still feel your lean strength wrapped around me, your thoroughbred body pressed to mine in passion. That image is enough to spur me on, and I take your arm, thrust the needle home, emptying the syringe into you.
There's no smoke; you don't dissolve into green slime, but you don't exactly sit up and smile either. I settle down to wait, watching you carefully as I pray to a God I don't believe in that he'll take pity on me and give you back to me.
The syringe has gone back into my pocket with the vial, and I'm doing what I do best, lurking in the shadows, waiting for as long as it will take, when the door opens and Skinner enters. Grinding my teeth, I move forward and let him see me.
"It's hard to believe, isn't it?" I ask, sweetly. "That Mulder could ever possibly get out of that bed?"
"I need the vaccine, Alex," he says, and I smile, savagely. All the anger I feel against the whole world condenses in the hatred I feel for this one man. How dare he be here, now?
I shake my head in mock sorrow and watch with angry glee as he flinches. "Yeah?" I say. "Time is wasting."
"What do I have to do?" he asks, and I'm tempted to push past him and leave. Then, the anger at his interruption surfaces again, and I stay for just a moment longer, pondering exactly what might hurt him most.
"Oh, it's simple, really," I say, at length. "Make sure Scully doesn't come to term."
He stares at me in shock, which makes me feel slightly better. I make a mental note that Skinner-baiting is still an uplifting and relaxing pastime.
"You're out of your mind," he says, white-faced, and I congratulate myself that I've probably cut ten years off his life expectancy with this charade.
"She can't have that baby," I say, dramatically. His eyes bulge, and I smile, lowering my lids in a smug manner, calculating the gesture to be as offensive as I can make it.
"No. The answer is no," he says, as I knew he would. I smile in a superior way, shake my head sorrowfully and drive another nail into his coffin.
"We all have a life in our hands. I have yours; you have Mulder's, and Scully has her unborn child. It's who's willing to sacrifice…"
With that, I push past him and leave, fuming because now I won't see you wake up, and won't be on hand to administer the blow that will kill you if you do turn out to be the supersoldier that Jeremiah is expecting.
As I leave, I'm reflecting on alien rebel piss, and its therapeutic effects. Suddenly I stop in my tracks and smile. Then, I turn on my heel and head for the restrooms. I've thought of another little game.
There's an art to filling a specimen bottle. It doesn't take long until I have that vial filled to the brim and capped again. Tossing the syringe I used to inject Fox into the garbage, I head down into the parking garage to await the next lucky contestant in the ‘make Alex feel better,' stakes.
It's going to be a fun evening after all, and who knows? I may even have Fox back some day.
End
A Moment of Forgiveness
--Indigo Girls
Well I guess that I was lonely,
that's why I called you on the phone.
‘Cause in a moment of forgiveness,
I didn't want to be alone.
And I guess that I was willin',
more than I ever was before.
‘Cause in a moment of forgiveness,
I come a knockin' at your door.
Baby I woke up cryin' last night
just to realize that you were gone.
Has it been two long years without you?
When are you gonna come home?
I guess that I was hoping
that you'd finally understand,
and in a moment of forgiveness,
you'd reach out and take my hand.
Now baby I know you're not one
for bearing witness.
You told me that one wrong move
is gonna sell you out.
I see that you kept your word
And made it harder than it had to be.
Wish I could save you the trouble baby,
give you a little peace of mind.
Baby I woke up cryin last night
just to realize that you were gone.
Has it been two long years without you?
When are you gonna come home?
I guess that I was hoping
that you'd finally understand,
and in a moment of forgiveness,
you'd reach out and take my hand.
| Back to My Stories –|– Email Dr. Ruthless |
