Revenge of the Love Objects by Fox Mulder
Author's Notes: Some things are just too silly for words. This is one of them. There are no excuses, and it's better that way.
Fox Mulder crouched down low behind the pile of furniture in the storeroom. He was panting. He had just run for his life and was still not sure he was safe. His companion stood behind him, his head up as he listened for sounds of pursuit. Mulder glanced at him as he stood, shoulders flat to the wall, and wanted to touch him.
Alex Krycek stood very still, gun held at the ready, prepared to defend his honor to the death. He had barely escaped with his life just a few minutes ago and his clothing showed the signs of his narrow escape. He was a little slower than Mulder. His physique was built for power rather than speed, but he had run like hell! They both had. Now, here they were in a musty storeroom, hoping against hope that they would be safe.
Alex's black T-shirt had been ripped from neck to nipple, and hung awkwardly as he gulped the air. From the corner of his eye he saw Mulder begin to speak and gestured sharply for him to be silent. His ears told him that their stalkers were only just outside, and that a single sound would prove their undoing.
Quietly, on stealthy feet, Alex moved to where Mulder was squatting and laid a caressing hand on his hair. Mulder moved his head back into the palm of his hand, briefly nuzzling the other man, before returning his attention to the door. Carefully, Alex lowered himself to one knee beside Mulder and put his mouth next to his partner's ear.
"I can still hear them out in the corridor. We've got to get out of sight of the door. Can you move back around the corner a bit?" The whisper tickled Mulder's ear, and the velvet voice sent little thrills down his spine as he listened.
Quietly, the two of them crept back around the furniture until they were wedged together in a small space behind a large cupboard. There they huddled, drawing on each other's warmth for courage as the most terrible enemy they had ever encountered ravened outside the door.
"I could have sworn they went this way!" Mary Sue Masson was puzzled. She'd been so close. She still had a small part of Alex's T-shirt in her sticky little hand. "Did you see where they went?"
She looked back at her companions who were standing, sniffing the air as if their prey could be scented.
"No, but there aren't too many places they could have gone to." Mary Sue Ashworth smiled fiendishly and clutched her butterfly net to her chest. Her head was whirling as images of her favorite two slashers flashed across her mind's eye, leaving her limp and moist, very moist!
"Er...silly question for you, but what are we going to do with them when we catch them?" Mary Sue Masson looked a little perplexed. Mary Sue Ashworth gave a hollow, evil laugh and reached for a towel. Mary Sue Douglas, who had been listening at the wall with a glass in her hand to magnify any sounds, joined the conversation.
"It's going to involve slaughtering them both. I'm in a bad mood! My e-mail has just not been working properly." She licked her lips and rubbed her hands together at the thought of corpses.
Mary Sue Ashworth sobbed softly as she pictured all that deceased pulchritude. What a waste! The world was too lacking in beauty. How to quell Mary Sue Douglas's vicious streak?
"Please, Mary Sue, don't kill them! There are so few really beautiful men around." She gazed at Mary Sue's unrelenting features, and then perked up. "I'll give you my Kenny doll!"
At this, Mary Sue's eyes began to sparkle, and she relented as she considered adding to her considerable South Park collection.
"Hmmm... OK, throw in your autographed Michael Crawford photo and I'll promise not to kill them."
Mary Sue Putnam ran around the corner. Impossibly leggy in her micro mini skirt, she had just that day dropped 20 lbs. out of sheer excitement.
"Did you find them yet? I want to see Alex do that eyebrow thing. Are they anywhere near?" She paused to consult her large sheaf of notes. "Hmmm... It says here that Mulder is prone to hiding in dark places. My predictions are that he will not have left the building. I believe that the two of them are lurking somewhere close."
Mary Sue Douglas, who was still in a bad mood, hissed at her to be quiet, causing tender hearted Mary Sue Ashworth to burst into tears.
Mary Sue Masson shushed at them. "How are we going to find them if you two keep on arguing all the time? We need to be methodical." She slid down the corridor on stealthy feet, her cattle prod at the ready, while the ghosts of many stunned children followed in her wake.
Alex and Mulder were warm and cozy in their little corner. They were beginning to relax, and Fox had put his arm around his partner so they were now sitting, pressed together, holding each other tightly. Had they been less scared, they would certainly have been hard at it by now, but as it was, they contented themselves with sharing a long, slow kiss, each wondering if it would be their last. As they sat, reflecting on their short, sad lives they wondered if they would escape from this place. Alex laid his head on Mulder's strong shoulder and nestled into him, pressing his slightly stubbled cheek into the silk of Mulder's suit jacket.
"If we don't get out of here, I just want you to know that I love you. I really wish we could have had more time together, but I don't have any regrets." Mulder whispered to his lover.
"I'd kinda like to still have my left arm, but on the whole I agree with that last statement. If we get out of here though, I'm not going to put it off any longer. I'm going to tie you down and do that hot wax thing we've been talking about, and I'm going to do the Nutella thing, and maybe shave you naked, and let's not forget that trick with the ice cubes...." Mulder moaned quietly as he listened to the passionate whispers. Who said his Alex was not romantic?
A faint sound made Mulder start up, trembling, but Alex, who was busily stroking his chest, ran his wet tongue over his spooked Spooky. "It's OK, Baby! We're gonna get out of here, and then I'm going to kill you with kindness."
"Do you think we should make a break for it?" Mulder sounded as if he was close to cracking. He had not learned patience sitting in a missile silo with an oilien for company. Alex soothed his highly-strung love with gentle little pats and strokes. His stoic calm reassured Mulder, who sighed and laid his head against Alex's silky hair.
The four Mary Sues were still separated from the other, larger group, but had been so close that they knew their quarry couldn't have gotten away. They were pumped!
Mary Sue Masson brandished her cattle prod, inciting the others to riot as they rampaged down the corridor. They began trying the doors, checking the rooms for signs of their quarry. Rapidly, the four fanatics approached the storeroom where our heroes lay hidden.
As they drew level with the room where Alex and Mulder were concealing themselves, the two agents, having been pursued already by a herd of Mary Sues that morning, were trying to decide what they could do. Alex had risen and crossed to stand behind the door, his eyes cold and his chin up. True to form, Mulder couldn't find his gun right at that second, but had wrapped his sock around a handful of loose change and was prepared to sell his life dearly. He stood beside Alex, pressing up against his sweet body and drinking in the sensations. He knew this could be the last time he ever felt the thrill of closeness to his green-eyed darling. His green-eyed darling drew his gun and gritted his teeth.
The door cracked open and a band of light fell into the room, making the shadows in which the two men were standing more impenetrable than ever. Mary Sue and her cattle prod entered, followed closely by her cohorts. Nudging each other and giggling, the four headed for the area at the back of the room where the two men had lately been huddled.
"They've been here, I can smell it, oh yes, I can smell it!" Mary Sue Douglas sniffed the air and pawed at the ground. Mary Sue Ashworth, mop at the ready, followed in the rear as the sensitive nostrils of Mary Sue Masson detected infinitesimal amounts of borscht flavored potato chips. Behind them, Mary Sue Putnam dreamed of eyebrows and squidged.
As they headed for the back of the room, as one the two men silently moved from behind the door and left the room, quietly closing the door and locking it behind them. Alex lowered his gun and when a quick search of the immediate vicinity detected no signs of hostile life, the two of them very quietly headed for the elevator and safety.
As the elevator door closed on them, they heard the banging on the locked door begin. The two men turned to each other and grinned.
"So which shall we do first?" Mulder eyed his lover flirtatiously
"How about the Nutella? I'm starving." Alex did the eyebrow thing, and had Mary Sue Putnam been watching, she would have dissolved into a puddle of squidge. The door closed, the elevator descended, and we will never know whether they got as far as the hot wax....
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