The Message

Category/Rated: No idea whatsoever. Totally unbeta'd Sillyfic. :)

Year/Length: ~3760 words

Disclaimer: None of 'em are ours.

Summary: Tirinar said that she was not responsible for any of this, but I say it was all her doing.

Author's Notes: Calling Carla Jane! This is what happens when... make 'em happy!

"So," said the evil Tirinar, lurking in a sewer underneath the city. "Carla Jane is out of control! She must be stopped. We have our plan of attack, ladies - now we need to execute it, target by target."

The Doctor, seated at her control panel in the tower somewhere close to the airport, hit the button that set their fiendish plan in motion, and spoke soothingly into her cell phone.

"It's okay, dear. We will have our revenge. Muahahaha!" The evil laughter echoed along the sewer tunnels.

"We shall indeed! Our biggest threat appears to be that evil Brit boy she calls Dickin. Special Ops or something - he should be the first to go."

"Have you got the garrotte and the well thumbed copy of "Sleazy Russian Rentboys" handy? You know he'll come quietly if you play it right." The Doctor pushed another button, and the camera zeroed in on Richard Sharpe, raddled ex-cutie.

"He's looking pretty vulnerable right now. Slip out of that manhole (!) and tell him Lexi sent you."

Tirinar smiled.

"One copy of Sleazy Russian Rentboys on hand... moving in now."

The smile turned to a grin as she walked through the tunnels and climbed into the night air close by Sharpe's apartment.

Even as she spoke, the Doctor was already pulling the lever that triggered another trap - one of her own devising. One minute, the Mountie was standing to attention outside the office, buttons and smile equally burnished, and the next, he had plummeted into a special holding receptacle somewhere beneath the busy streets of the city.

"Let me know when you've got him. This is fun. It's like fishing ducks out of a barrel at the fair."

Dressed in black, Tirinar walked silently up the fire escape and into Sharpe's apartment, picking locks and disabling security as she went. Finally, she was face to face with the enraged Englishman.

"Good god, it's a girl. What can I do for you, little girl?" asked the soldier of fortune, who must have been totally mad.

"Xander sent me.. He wants to see you." She passed over the copy of 'Sleazy Russian Rentboys'.

"Xander? Where is that darling boy?" asked the blond, whose mind was by now clouded with lust.

"Centrefold, if you check the magazine. Are you coming or not?" Tirinar used his distraction to slip a garrotte around his neck quietly, keeping a grip on one end.

Thinking his luck was in; the skinny major fell into step behind Tirinar, hoping that he was going to score one way or another. She led him quietly through the streets, telling him just what the Russian had been up to. Then it was too late, as a sharp whistle signaled his mysterious disappearance into the underground prison.

Meanwhile, at her end, the Doctor was busy baiting her trap using pieces of unmistakable red serge uniform, while the newly captured Benny attempted to preserve his modesty in a set of snowy white combinations.

Picking a radio from her bag, Tirinar signalled the Doctor.

"Sharpe's in. You're right - he's real easy where Alex is mentioned. Who next?"

"Yay!" The Doctor danced a strange and compelling dance as she celebrated the capture.

"Let me think. The Mulder lout seems to be next on my list. What do you think?"

"I think he is an acceptable target - though this shouldn't be a hands-on operation. He can be dangerous."

"You have a plan?"

"I think I may - A phone call and an offer of a threesome with Alex and Vic, then bye-bye Mulder when he's in range."

Dr. Ruthless rubbed her hands together. "Good, good. I'll leave it in your capable hands." Then, as she thought of Vic and Alex in a threesome with Mulder, she broke down in a puddle of lust, whimpering and chewing on the side of her chair.

Tirinar turned once again to her bag, pulling out a voice synthesizer and mobile phone. She programmed the voice synthesizer, turned up the dial to 'just-fucked and extra-husky', then dialled Mulder's number.

"Mulder." The flat, nasal voice rang through the ether.

"Hello, Fox." The little voice machine pulled off a surprisingly exact imitation of Alex's voice.

"What is it this time, you lying, murdering, cheating piece of shit?" Mulder was pulling no punches, and the air around the receiver turned blue and crackly, melting the receiver.

"Vic and I.. We got through our problems. We're having fun, Mulder. You want to join us?"

There was a sharp intake of breath that caused a hurricane just off the Azores. "You mean...?"

"We're at a hotel, for the next hour. If you show up, maybe we'll stay longer.." 'Alex' gave him the hotel details, and hung up.

Tirinar smiled an evil little smile and turned once again to her radio.

"Our gullible little Fox is on his way - he should be in range in minutes."

"We're well on target. I'll send a couple of the clones over to bag him... Make sure they have lots of honey and an eggbeater. I'm told he likes those."

On the electronic scoreboard in Tirinar's sewer, the large red figures flickered and changed, going from 11-2 to 10-3...

"I object to that - I'm still pissed at him for hurting Alex, and Vic. I say we nab him and play a few simulated tapes of Alex and Vic fucking in the next room."

Tirinar took a moment to grumble over Cj not letting the boys make each other happy yet, thereby creating the need for simulated noises and the entire operation.

"Well, if we tie him up first, mear him with honey, and then leave him to suffer we can sell the tapes. That will fund the extension we're gonna need if she comes up with any other outlandish characters..."

"Okay. Honey first, tapes second. Just get him into the enclosure with the others."

Uttering soothing words, the Doctor consulted her list. "Okay... but I get his trench coat."

"Done, if I can have his gun"

"Of course you can. It's nearly a set... All we need is Scully's, and that should be next."

The Doctor tugged on her latex gloves, and took her scrubs, leaving her tower securely locked.

"It seems to me that if I can make a noise like a really juicy autopsy... What do you think?"

Tirinar snickered happily, pulling yet more equipment from her bag.

"Go for it. Though what about the girlfriend?"

"Okay, if I go and grab Dana, I'll leave LiAnn to you. You know how she annoys me. I'd only hurt her, and we can't have that."

Slop bucket full of liver in hand, Dr. Ruthless prowled off in search of "Autopsies R Us"

"Hmm.. How to catch a thief? I need a clone."

"There are still a few left in the cupboard under the stairs, but I warn you, I haven't fed them today."

Tirinar shivered at the idea of a cupboard full of hungry Alex clones, then managed to regain control of herself.

"I have something in mind."

Taking a small petrie dish full of powder from her bag, Tirinar set it on the ground and added water. Within moments it grew into a full sized Alex clone. Enjoying the view for a moment, Tirinar handed over black jeans, shirt and leather jacket to the clone and waited while he dressed. Then she fixed a leash onto him and happily walked off in the direction of LiAnn's apartment.

Meanwhile, heading through the halls of Quantico with the bucket and scalpel in her hand, Dr. Ruthless had caught sight of her quarry.

"Agent Scully, Agent Scully, I've been sent to find you by Agent Fox Mulder. He said you'd know what to do with this..." She extended the bucket to Scully, who was wearing a white blouse, and who stepped back rather quickly as the contents slopped over the side.

"He told me to tell you that he likes lots of onions with it...." as the redhead looked up at her, confusion on her face, she struck, spraying knockout gas in Scully's face, and deftly catching her as she swooned.

Tirinar grumbled slightly as LiAnn's apartment block came into view. Turning to the clone, she dragged him into an alleyway.

"LiAnn is a soft touch for your face. Don't say a word, just get her out of there as soon as possible." She pushed him in the direction of LiAnn's apartment, and sat down to wait.

The communicator buzzed. The Doctor was on the air again, sounding a little out of breath.

"I've got Scully, Tirry, but I couldn't find her gun. Can we get it later?"

Tirinar picked up her radio, clicking it on.

"LiAnn is on her way. I want that gun! I'll send in the clones..."

"Good idea. I think she left it in her locker or something. How'd you manage to trap LiAnn? That one's tricky."

"I sent in an insta-Alex clone to get her out. She's a soft touch for him."

Dr. Ruthless turned from the door of the cell in which Mulder and Scully now lay, sleeping the sleep of the drugged, and went to inspect the traps she had baited with Mountie uniform. Yes! There was a Ray... She had one. It snarled at her, but was unable to reach her, and a quick spray of the aerosol she carried soon subdued him. He slumped forward conveniently, falling into her wheelbarrow.

Swiftly, she re-baited the trap and tiptoed away, trundling the wheelbarrow full of Armani clad detective in front of her.

Keeping an eye on the approaching pair, Tirinar lurked in her alleyway. She watched Alex as he walked past, then picked up a syringe and jabbed LiAnn as she followed him. She picked up the now-sleeping thief and dumped her onto her Alex clone's shoulder, sending him off to the underground chambers and Dr Ruthless, then sighing happily, Tirinar picked up the radio.

"One more on way to you. Keep your hands off the clone, he's mine."

"Aww, can't I just have a little teeny taste?" The voice came softly... "I'll write you some special smut?"

Tirinar remained firm. "We have a job to do."

In the underground control chamber, the scoreboard was now reading 7:6. The Doctor growled in frustration, and went off to torment Sharpe, who she knew to be a particular favourite of Carla Jane's.

Tirinar sauntered happily into the chamber, picking up her clone's leash as she went past.

"Hey! Who's next?"

"I've got one of the Rays. The other won't take long. Benny's uniform attracts them like flies. Hmmm... I think we need to go after Mac. Those Harsh Realm guys are gonna take some thought. How do you reckon we'll get Mac Ramsey? A trail of fried squid?"

"I think a naked Alex clone and a trail of fried squid would do it."

A loud jangling sound split the air, and the Doc's eyes lit up. "There's the other Ray now. Brilliant! He might have passed on the squid, but the Alex clone is a dead certainty. Just make sure that Ramsey doesn't leave any tooth marks in him."

Tirinar walked out, followed by her clone, and stopped by the local Chinese restaurant for squid. She broke into Mac's apartment, and spent a moment artfully arranging the squid on the clone. Taking a Polaroid of her decorated clone lying on Mac's bed, she left it on the table and headed off to wait, leaving a trail of squid behind her.

Dr. Ruthless, salivating, followed her... and stood over the clone, drooling madly.

"Just one little nibble..." she whined.

Clipping a second leash onto the Doc's collar, Tirinar pulled her away.

"No! Mac's and Mac's only, deary," Tirinar stopped to think for a moment. "And after Mac... mine!"

Gnashing her teeth, Dr. Ruthless dashed off a quick deathfic, and stomped away, muttering darkly.

Tirinar hid in the closet as she heard a key in the lock. She grinned evilly at the look on Mac's face, watching through the keyhole.

She sat, enjoying the show but remembering to give no details, and waited until the boys collapsed from exhaustion before helping her clone back into his clothes, picking up the drugged Mac Ramsey and leaving.

Soon she arrived back at the hideaway, sated and happy clone following behind her. Dumping Mac in a cell to sleep it all off, she wandered back into the control room to plan the next haul.

"We have some tricky ones left." The Doctor, her mouth suspiciously greasy, was planning out loud, trying to work out ways of ensuring the success of the project. She continued to dart feral glances at Tirinar's clone as she paced.

"Aries is gonna be a pain to keep in a cell. How about if we enlisted his aid? Think he'd go for that?"

"It depends what we offer him. What *has* she been doing with him lately?"

Tirinar noticed the glances and sat her clone down next to her, placing one hand possessively on his thigh.

"I don't think she ever has, but I just want to be on the safe side... She could, you know. And if she thought it would piss us off, she WOULD."

The Doc sidled up to the clone and stroked his shoulder absently, daring Tirinar to say a word. The clone whimpered.

Tirinar smiled sweetly.

"We'll deal with Aries. You go fix Skinner." Standing, she led the clone out of the room and away from the evil clutches of the Doc.

Shivering with lust, Dr. Ruthless watched them leave, and then went to take a cold shower.

She wasn't quite sure how to entice the surly one. She knew that Carla Jane's far-reaching pen hadn't yet touched his muscular body, but she was anxious to prevent it from happening, and considered this a prophylactic strike.

An idea came to her, and she quickly put on Mulder's trench coat, now hers by right of possession, and lurched away.

Tirinar dropped by the nearest psychic, and put a call through to the god himself. After explaining the situation, and listening to Aries laugh at their story of unresolved love and lust, Tirinar pointed out that Alex would be a much better fighter if he had something other than himself to fight for.

"Do you think he'll help?" The voice crackled from the radio, making Tirinar jump.

Muttering slightly, Tirinar finished her conversation with Aries, and responded.

"I think we can leave Xena and that other woman to Aries - he'll deal with them."

"Are you sure? What's he going to do with them?" The doctor was all bristling efficiency as she geared herself up to the capture of AD Skinner.

"I have no idea."

Striding into the AD's outer office, she stepped past the secretary, who half rose.

"Agent Mulder, you can't go in there, he..."

As Dr. Ruthless entered the office, she caught sight of the AD, asleep on his couch, a report over his face, covering it, and fluttering slightly as breathy whistling snores reached her.

An idea lit a large light bulb over her head as she gazed at the sleeping AD.

"Offer him Skinner if he'll sit on the other two for us. He'll like that."

"You got it!" Tirinar passed this on to Aries, and in a bright flash of light Skinner disappeared, singed report falling silently to the couch where he had been.

Quickly, Dr. Ruthless crossed the room, opening the secret hidey-hole at the back, and yelping with sheer excitement as it revealed a lurking Krycek.

"I got one! I got a wild one!" She carolled as she grabbed him.

Hearing the yelp, Tirinar ran to the FBI building, grabbing Scully's gun from her locker as she went and burst into the AD's office.

"What? It's a wild one. I say he's mine! You've got your own."

Dr. Ruthless stood at bay, her eyes flashing and her bosom heaving.

Tirinar looked at the wild Krycek, then at her own. She grinned.

"You can keep him. Want to let them play together sometime?"

The squidge threatened to drown them as she thought of the possibilities for that. Wordlessly she cuffed her Krycek and led him out of the office.

"Let's go and get those Harsh Realm dudes, and then we can bargain." She aimed a smack at Krycek's ass, and smiled as he wriggled enticingly. This was a great find!

Keeping a firm eye on her own Krycek, Tirinar checked through the hideaway computer banks, looking for information on Harsh Realm.

"Looks like we have to hack into the Pentagon's computer system again, Tirry...."

Tirinar crowed happily, working her way into the computer systems. Several happy hours later and they were in, directly linked to the Harsh Realm systems and ready to enter.

"Got the digitiser ready. Shall we both go? Don't want to make a holiday out of this... "

"I wanna take my Alex. Can I?" Dr. Ruthless reluctantly peeled herself off her slutty captive and prepared for work.

"We can leave them here. Work, deary."

Tirinar quickly handcuffed her clone to a post, waiting until the Doc had beamed in alone before joining her.

Lower lip trembling, the Doctor grabbed her flak jacket, Kevlar vest and Uzi, and then disappeared into Harsh Realm.

Tirinar snickered, happily donning an indestructible leather jacket and Scully's gun before disappearing after the Doc.

"Did you remember to turn off the lights?"

"Nope. Ah well - they'll live."

Ducking and rolling behind a bush, Dr. Ruthless lay full length in the mud, awaiting Tirinar.

"There's the command post. Hobbes should be there at least. Don't know how we're gonna find the Pinnocchio dude though."

"I have an idea for keeping them busy..."

Tirinar picked out a bullet and soaked the end in a potent love potion, then loaded it into her gun.

"Any way we can get this Pinnocchio guy in range of Hobbes?"

"Go on, I'm all ears."

"First we gotta find him. It's not gonna be easy. He's been hiding for five years. He's GOOD at it."

"I'm pretty sure we'll know where to look," she said as she pulled out a tracking device.

The Doctor patted Tirry, resisting the urge to feed her a Scooby Snack, and together they ghosted off to the camp, to find their quarry. "Alex' pheromones are pretty strong. If he's had sex around here, this thing'll find out where." Tirinar tried unsuccessfully to hide an evil grin.

The Doc laughed. Damn that Carla Jane! She's hoist herself with her own petard. If she'd been doing what she should have, writing twincest for her fans, then the detector in Tirinar's hands would not be glowing pink right now,Together, they followed the beacon as the glow of pink grew stronger.

Tirinar stopped for a moment to think. "We need to get Hobbes out here as well. Any ideas?"

"Leave it to me." The Doc fiddled with the controls of her personal digitiser, and in just a few seconds, she was wearing the appearance of Hobbes's long lost fiancé. "How do I look? Pretty cute, huh? Think he'll fall for it? Hmmm... maybe I'd better be wounded as well, what do you say?"

Happily, Tirinar picked up a second gun. "I can do it!! Though should I miss and kill you, can I have your Alex clone?"

She drew a huge knife from her boot, and slashed a great wound in her shoulder. "Thank you, it's not necessary dear, though you are to be commended for your zeal."

Tirinar pouted for a moment, then decided to lurk until Hobbes arrived.

Stumbling through the mud, leaving a decorative tracery of blood as she went, Dr. Ruthless practised her 'helpless female' routine, and as she fell into the command post, she was ready, unerringly singling out Hobbes and collapsing limply into his astonished embrace.

As Hobbes scooped her up in his arms, she mumbled that there was someone out there... "Help me...he's trying to kill me..."

Hobbes drew his weapon and strode out of the tent, eyes alert for any movement in the seared landscape.

Tirinar tapped carefully on a concealed trapdoor, evading the traps and such that had been planted.

Gun aimed in case he got any ideas, she motioned to Pinnocchio to sit on the makeshift bed in the hideaway.

Pinnocchio looked a little confused, as well he might, and even more so when Hobbes staggered in bearing the substantial weight of the Doctor in his arms.

Tirinar picked up her original gun in one hand, aiming it at Hobbes.

"Okay, Doc. Fun is over - put him down."

Reluctantly, the Doc squirmed out of the soldier's arms, and stepped to Tirinar's side, dusting her hands as she goes. A tweak of the digitiser revealed her own, stunning countenance and Hobbes staggered back in amazement. "Oh, Tirinar, you're such a workaholic. There's always time for a little fun." She paused.

"So shoot them already..."

Tirinar snickered evilly. "And the fun starts here." She picked out a second syringe, and shot Hobbes with a light dose of pheromones ala' Alex, then turned and shot Pinnocchio, lightly grazing his arm.

It was enough to do the damage necessary. Tirinar cloaked, and sat back to watch the show, grinning at Hobbes' look of concern at Pinnocchio's wound.

As the two men stood gazing at each other, dumbfounded, one could see the change come over them. A delicate flush followed by an expression of rampant lust flowed over Hobbes' features. Pinnocchio too appeared affected, and the two began to stagger towards each other, forgetting the outside world.

Tirinar backed out, setting up a video camera and linking it in to their systems at home for future enjoyment.

"C'mon, Doc. Time to go - we can watch this later."

The Doctor waited until their first kiss was well and truly under way, and then slammed her butterfly net over the two of them.

"Heh... Got 'em. Let's go home."

Tirinar sniggered, clicked the buttons to go home and arrived in the cellblock of the hidey-hole.

She helped the Doc to move the pair of lust-filled men into the comfortable room, then headed back to her clone in the command centre.

"The board is telling us we've neutralized all her targets, Tirry. Now what? Think we need to amputate a dick or two and send them with a message?"

Tirinar was lost in the sights and sounds of two Alex clones involved in rampant sex on the main console.

"Yeah.. A message..."

*The End*

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