Tra-La, It's May!, by Fox.
I am not now, nor have I ever been, George Lucas.


1. "Are you masturbating?"

"Yes. Do you mind?"

"Not at all. Sorry. Should have knocked."

[the end.]



2. "Are you masturbating?"

"Should I be?"

"Well, it'll be several days before you'll have another opportunity for any sexual release at all."

"Ah. I see. Better get to it, then."

[the end.]



3. "Are you masturbating?"

"No. I have this ink stain on my trousers." Obi- Wan showed him the ink stain.

"Ah."

[the end.]



4. "Are you masturbating?"

Qui-Gon glared and shook his head.

"Not masturbating ... what else could that be? Um ... scattering grain?"

Qui-Gon beamed. "Right!"

Obi-Wan laughed out loud. "Master, have you ever actually scattered grain before domesticated fowl?"

"Well ... no."

"I thought not. I have -- Agricorps, you know. You need more snap in the wrist, and spread it out in a wide arc. Otherwise the birds will kill each other trying to get it."

[the end.]



5. "Are you masturbating?"

Obi-Wan's eyes rolled up to focus on him. "Was that ... meant ... to be ... a rhetorical question?"

[the end.]



6. "Are you masturbating?"

"Well, if you'd hurry up and come to bed, I wouldn't need to, would I?"

[the end.]



7. "Are you masturbating?"

"Sorry. Didn't mean to wake you. I know you're exhausted."

"Don't be silly ..."

[the end.]



8. "Are you masturbating?"

"Sorry. Didn't mean to wake you."

"I'm exhausted."

"I know. I'm sorry. I'll go into the other room, shall I?"

[the end.]



9. "Are you masturbating?"

"Why else do you think we all wear these cloaks?"

[the end.]



10. "Are you masturbating?"

"Ssh ... best bit ..." Obi-Wan nodded toward the vid screen, his hands being otherwise occupied.

Qui-Gon's jaw dropped. "Is that -- how are they even --"

"Ah!"

[the end.]



11. "Are you masturbating?"

"You won't let me date." Obi-Wan crossed his arms and -- good grief, was he pouting? Qui-Gon wished the boy could appreciate the irony.

"Well, then, we need to talk about your doing your own laundry."

[the end.]



12. "Are you masturbating?"

"I'm three times your age, Obi-Wan; I'm not dead."

"How long until she comes back?"

Qui-Gon gritted his teeth and wished his padawan had at least a modicum of shame. "Not bloody soon enough," he said.

[the end.]



13. "Are you masturbating?"

Obi-Wan bit the heel of his other hand to stifle the involuntary noises he was making. When he had his breathing under control, he crossed his fingers. "No, Master," he called out.

[the end.]



14. "Are you masturbating?"

Obi-Wan choked on his biscuit. "I beg your pardon?"

"You're leading us on," Qui-Gon said impatiently. "All of us. What sort of game are you padawans playing, anyhow?"

"Oh -- oh, for Force's -- master baiting," Obi- Wan gasped.

Qui-Gon looked cross. "That's what I said."

[the end.]



15. "Are you masturbating?"

"You can do amazing things with the Force, Padawan, if you concentrate."

Obi-Wan turned his face away to hide his grimace, and focused his own Force energy on loosening the ropes around his and his master's wrists and ankles.

[the end.]



16. "Are you masturbating?"

"Don't know ... what's ... come over me ..."

"Well, stop it. These walls are as thin as parchment."

[the end.]



17. "Are you masturbating?"

"There's got to be some evidence of ... activity, doesn't there," Obi-Wan said coldly. "I've no wish to inconvenience you, but I've no wish to be executed in the morning, either."

[the end.]



18. "Are you masturbating?"

"No."

"Don't lie to me."

"I wasn't, I swear. I swear!"

His protests fell on deaf ears. He shut his eyes before the first lash fell.

[the end.]



19. "Are you masturbating?"

"No. Have a little patience, will you? I'll be out in a minute."

[the end.]



20. "Are you masturbating?"

"How'd you guess?" There was silence on the line for a moment. "Are you?"

[the end.]



21. "Are you masturbating?"

"No --"

"In your own room, I mean, when you're alone and - -"

"No!" Obi-Wan was plainly horrified. "Why would you --"

"All right, all right, I'm sorry I asked." Qui-Gon puffed air through his cheeks. "It's just very unusual for a boy your age to have no sex drive of any kind, that's all."

[the end.]



22. "Are you masturbating?"

"You tend to your affairs, and I'll tend to mine."

"But my affairs could be your affairs!" Obi-Wan sobbed, leaning against the door. "I want you so badly, and I know you want --"

"Silence!" Obi-Wan tried his best to keep silent. When Qui-Gon spoke again, his voice was not as harsh. "You know the Code, Padawan. We will not speak of it again." Another pause. "I'm sorry."

[the end.]



23. "Are you masturbating?"

"I was just scratching this itch on my leg --"

Obi-Wan snorted. "Right. Well, don't let me stop you."

[the end.]



24. "Are you masturbating?"

There was no response, but Qui-Gon hadn't been dreaming; Obi-Wan was definitely moving against him, though he was clearly still asleep.

"Obi-Wan ... Obi-Wan. Wake up. What are you doing?"

Obi-Wan rocked his hips twice more before his eyes flew open and his face crumpled in horror. "I'm so sorry," he began.

Qui-Gon placed a finger over his lips. "Shh, no, it's all right. You just surprised me, is all."

[the end.]



25. "Are you masturbating?"

"Go away."

"But that's wonderful!" Obi-Wan took two steps into the room, but stopped short when Qui-Gon pinned him with a glare that could freeze lava. "They didn't think you'd ever have sensation below the waist, but --" Qui-Gon snarled. "All right. I'll go."

[the end.]



26. "Are you masturbating?"

"We have an hour before we have to leave. I'll be ready in plenty of time."

[the end.]



27. "Are you masturbating?"

Suddenly, on the other side of the door, Qui-Gon was very quiet. "Is your friend still with you?"

"No. Can I come in?"

"I'm sorry, Padawan; I've tried to ignore --"

"Master. Please." Obi-Wan pressed his palm flat to the door. "Will you let me in?"

[the end.]



28. "Are you masturbating?"

Qui-Gon turned to look at his padawan, and rolled his eyes and sighed at the leer on the boy's face. "You," he said, as Obi-Wan dissolved into giggles, "are not permitted to touch Correllian brandy again while we are sharing quarters. Is that clear?"

[the end.]



29. "Are you masturbating?"

"That's what he said. I think we can safely assume something got lost in translation somewhere."

[the end.]



30. "Are you masturbating?"

"Yes, of course I -- what?"

"Hah. Thought so. Pay attention, please. This is important."

[the end.]



31. "Are you masturbating?" There was no explicit answer, but Qui-Gon could hear heavy breathing and the sound of skin sliding against skin.

Sounded like it could be two people's heavy breathing, actually.

"Or do you have someone in there with you?"

Still no answer.

"Well, be sure to clean up when you're through," he said.

[the end.]

Comments always welcome!