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On the Proper Use of a Riding Crop
By Lianne Burwell
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"Tom, are you *sure* I need to stick around for this one?"
"Trust me, you're essential." 

When horse riding, the attire depends on the type of riding that you are 
doing: English or Country. For the purposes of this demonstration, we are 
using English riding standards. Boots with a heel, jacket, white shirt, 
helmet and jodhpurs (that's a type of breeches with leather insets on the 
insides of the thighs, if you didn't know).

"Tom, your jodhpurs are missing the leather."
"Shhhh. Don't interrupt."

Next, you need a horse, preferably a well-trained one with a stellar 
bloodline, like this one here.

"Is that why you were checking my family tree?"
"Be quiet."

Now, to prepare the horse, you need to bridle the horse...

"Don't you *dare* come near me with that thing!"
"Spoilsport." 
"Forget it, poocuh. You are *not* sticking that thing in my mouth."

Then you saddle the horse, in preparation for mounting.

"Tom? Tom! Ohhh, yeahhhhh. Stick them in further. Oh yeah.  Mooore."
"Oh, you like that, do you?"
"Yeeeeesssssss..."

Then take a firm grip of the withers and mount the horse.

"oooooooohhhhhh..." 

Once you're solidly mounted, start off   at a  
gentle  pace. Keep the motion  fluid.

"Oh, Tom... Harder."

Once you're  comfortable with your mount...  you can speed up the motion.

"Yesss!!!! Like that! Harder, faster, Toooommmmm!"

Now, if your mount isn't moving  fast enough, you 
should  use the crop. Usually, a firm slap to the flanks works.


"Tom! What the hell! You didn't say you were going to..."

"Oh god! Do that again!"

"oh, oh, oh!"
"Yeah, Chakotay. Move like that! Oh, yeah... getting close... Here comes 
the finish... Just a little more... A little more... Yessssssssss!"


When finished your ride, make sure that you reward your horse for his 
fine performance.

"What? Oh god, yes. Just like that, Tom. Suck it. Yeah, yeah, yeahhhhhh."
  

Then groom your horse properly, to remove the sweat and dirt from the 
ride.

"Groom, huh?"
"Step right this way, my fiery steed. Your bubble bath awaits.
 "You certainly know how to show a guy a good time, Tom."
"We aim to please, Chakotay. We aim to please."

FADE TO BLACK