by minotaur

"That's it! I've had just about all I'm gonna take!" Jim Ellison signed his name to the final page of the report, carefully dotting his i's with little smiley faced hearts. "My old Army flame turns out to be an assassin hired to kill me. It's the final straw. NO MORE WOMEN."

Blair pulled his head out of the loft's freezer, where he'd been sneaking nibbles of Jim's secret stash of pistachio/kumquat ice cream. Delicately licking the orange and green concoction from his lips he turned to stare at his friend and partner.

"Well, Jim," he said. "There was the ancient Imsohornyiwannapuke tribe of Lower West Transpermia, whose warriors practiced celibacy to preserve their vital fluids for battle. But.."

"Did it do them any good?"

"Kinda. They won all their wars, but the tribe died out very suddenly. The women got tired of not getting any, so they eventually eloped en masse with a passing band of Amazons. Besides, I don't think you want to suffer the type of ritual penile englobement they did.."

"Then I'll just have to find some other...outlet." He stood up and crossed the big room.

"Ummm, like what? Why are you looking at me like that? Jim?"

"Take off your clothes, Chief."

"What?" (Rip) "Hey, that's my favorite shirt!" (Shred) "Man, those pants were brand new!"

"Quiet." (Shlurp)

"JIM!" (Thud) "Ow.. you know, shoelaces *un*tie, Big Guy." (Another thud)

"Hmmm, good and good for you.." (Zzzrup)

"Those were Versace boxers... you know how long I had to save to afford a pair of Versace silk boxers? What are you...OH GOD!" (Gulp, shlurp, moan, crash)

"Mmmmm." (Muffled squeaking)

"OH JIM! Oh, man, don't, (grunt) stop, don't, (growl) stop, don't (whimper) ever stop..."

"Turn over.." (slither)

"What are you..." (Lick) "Ohhhhhhhhh......" (Squooge, smush, poke) "AHHH!!"

"Grrrr" (Thump)

"Ohhhh, yeah man, right there...." (Pound) "More..." (Wriggle) "HARDER!" (More pounding)

"Sweet Blair..." (Groan, convulse, shudder, collapse)

"Ohhh, Big Guy!" (Scream, twitch, have seizure, get squished)

"Zzzzzzzzz"

"Uhm, Jim, like I can't breath under here.. Jim? Jim! JIM!"

the end

This piece of unadulterated silliness brought to you courtesy of Hershey's Special Dark and Nestle's Crunch.