Title: From the Journal of Raymond Vecchio
Author: Mrs. Fish
Fandom: Due South
Pairing: Fraser/Ray Vecchio
Rating: R
Warnings: Death story! Implied m/m relationship; angst
Status: Completed
E-mail address for feedback: mrs_fish@hotmail.com
Summary: Ray's thoughts on his life with Fraser.

Disclaimer: This story is written for the private entertainment of fans. No infringement of any copyrights held by Alliance Communication or CTV is intended. This story is not published for profit, and the author does not give permission for this story to be reproduced for profit. The author makes no claims on the characters or their portrayal by the creation of this story.

The counselor said I should start keeping a journal to help me express my feelings. Yea, like I have a problem letting people know how I feel. I never was much good at this sort of stuff, but hell, I'll give it a shot. I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to be writing in this thing.

Maybe I should start from the beginning. It was back in 1994. I got this inter-agency request to run a check on a list of dentists. A Mountie got killed and the RCMP thought one of these guys was involved with the killing. Well, this wasn't a high priority case to me. Anyway, I'm in lockup trying to unload a truck full of hot merchandise when this Mountie named Benton Fraser walks in and says he's looking for Detective Armani. I thought I was dead. He asks me about the dead Mountie case, and I try to brush him off. Then he tells me the dead Mountie was his father. Boy, did I feel like a jerk. He goes on to say the guy in holding I was trying to sell the merchandise to wasn't who he claimed to be. Turns out he was right - it was an IAD sting. So I start working with Fraser to try and figure out who killed his dad. What an adventure - deaf wolves, shoot outs, explosions, dog sleds, crooked Mounties - not to mention freezing my butt off in the Yukon. It was great! I thought Benny was kinda weird at first, but that soon changed.

After that first case, Benny and I just just started working together more and more, and spending all our free time together. At first I think it was because I felt sorry for him being so far from home and not having any family. Then it turned into a real friendship.

Benny was so naive about a lot of things, especially women. I guess growing up alone in the frozen north didn't help. Benny's mom died when he was six and his dad was gone a lot, so his librarian grandparents raised him. It must have been tough for Benny not having many friends. Maybe that's why he valued my friendship so much, and why we ended up as lovers.

I don't know exactly when I started falling in love with him. I guess I always felt close to Benny. I'd never met anyone like him before, so giving and caring, and never asking for anything in return. He drove me crazy sometimes, but I never stopped admiring him or respecting him. He always saw the good in people - even me. Truth is, Benny's the only person who ever really believed in me besides Lieutenant Kelly.

I denied my feelings for him at first. I said I didn't want to fall in love with him, but I really did. I wanted Benny more than I'd ever wanted anyone in my life. I used to dream about him - fantasize about us making love together. I never imagined my fantasies would come true. It's kinda funny because Benny's the one who made the first move.

It happened after that bitch Victoria hurt him so badly, and I nearly killed him. I felt so guilty about shooting Fraser. It was eating me up inside. I spent every free moment with him at the hospital. I even promised to go north and help him rebuild his dad's cabin.

I drove Benny home after he was released from the hospital. I was still worried about him cause the doctor's couldn't remove the bullet from his back. They said it was too close to the spinal cord. I remember sitting next to his bed and asking him for the hundredth time if he needed anything. Benny just looked at me with those beautiful blue eyes of his and smiled. God he made my heart melt! Then he reached over, took my hand and said "I think I need to kiss you Ray." I thought I was hearing things until he pulled me into his arms and I felt his lips on mine. It was the most incredible day and night of my life. I have to admit I was a little scared making love to Benny that first time. Scared that I'd hurt him, and scared because I didn't know what the hell I was doing! I'd never been with another guy before, but then again neither had Benny, so we spent a lot of time practicing to make sure we got it right.

Ben eventually recovered from the shooting and went back to work. I'd spend every night at his apartment, then go back home in the morning to take a shower and change. It wasn't the best arrangement, but I didn't mind because I got to spend time alone with Benny, and that's all I really wanted. After six months I suggested that we get an apartment together.

Ben was against it. He said everyone would know that we were lovers. At this point I loved Benny so much, I didn't care who knew. We had a big argument about it and I walked out.

6/8/96: Three days after my fight with Benny, I got a call from the Canadian Consulate. Fraser had collapsed while on guard duty. I jumped in the Riv and violated several traffic laws getting over there. Benny was lying on the floor of his office. Inspector Thatcher had taken off his tunic and had put a cool cloth on his head. He was so pale! Benny kept telling me he was alright, that it was just the heat, but I didn't believe him. I took him home and stayed the night.

Benny woke me up around 2:00 in the morning. He was burning up with fever. His temperature was over 103. I didn't know what to do, so I called my mother. I was so damn scared. She told me how to bring his fever down, then drove over to Benny's apartment to help me take care of him. I couldn't believe it, but I was so happy she was there. We got Ben's temperature down after awhile and he fell into a peaceful sleep. She and I had a long talk after that. She said she'd known about me and Benny for a long time. I guess I should've known better than to try and hide anything from my Ma. She also said that she didn't understand our love, but she knew that God had brought us together for a reason. That made me feel better, knowing she approved of us. She finally went home around 8:00.

6/9/96: I called in sick. I also called my doctor and made an appointment for Benny. We were able to get one for that afternoon. Ben slept most of the day. His temperature was pretty high when I woke him up to get ready to go the doctor's. Dr. Rosselli gave Benny a thorough examination. He thought it was some kind of virus because Ben's lymphnodes were all swollen, and he took a blood sample just to be sure. He gave Ben a prescription for some antibiotics.

6/11/96: I'll never forget this date. Dr. Rosselli called and said he got the results of Benny's blood test back and needed to see us both right away. I knew it was bad. Dr. Rosselli didn't jerk us around - he said Benny's blood tested HIV positive. Ben took it very calmly. I broke down and cried.

He left us alone for a little while. I threw my arms around Benny and held onto him for dear life. I remember telling him over and over how much I loved him, and that I'd take care of him and never leave him. Benny didn't say anything, he just held me.

Dr. Rosselli came back and brought us some AIDS-related literature. We had a long talk about different treatments. He said we needed to practice safe sex because Benny could infect me. He took a blood sample from me to be tested. We had to fill out this long medical questionnaire about our sex habits. Dr. Rosselli seemed confused after reading it. Neither Ben nor I had had multiple partners. Victoria had been the only other person Ben had ever had sex with his entire life.

After a lot of digging, we finally figured out that Ben had gotten the disease from improperly screened blood given to him after he'd been shot by me. As if I didn't feel guilty enough. Now I was responsible for Benny's illness. Every time I looked at him I wanted to die, which is the main reason Dr. Rosselli recommended that we see a counselor.

I wasn't too keen on the idea at first, but it's sure helped being able to talk to someone who'd actually been through the same thing. Jim lost his lover to AIDS before there were counseling services. He tried to commit suicide. Now he helps other people get through the illness.

It's been hard watching Benny struggle with this. He's losing weight. I feel so damn guilty every time I look at him. Why couldn't it have been me instead? I'd gladly change places with him. My results came back negative. Dr. Roselli said I should get retested every couple weeks.

7/13/96: Benny wants to go home. I don't blame him - he hasn't been back in over two years. Dr. Rosselli said the Canadian Government offers free AIDS treatment to its citizens.

7/14/96: Benny and I had a long talk. He's determined to go back to Canada, and he wants me to go with him. How can I say no when he looks at me like that? I love him so damn much.

7/15/96: I turned in my resignation today. Lieutenant Welsh and I talked for a long time. He said to call him if Fraser or I needed anything. I know he means it. I'm gonna miss him and his guidance.

Elaine was in tears most of the time. This has been hard on her too. I know how crazy she was about Fraser. I thought she took the news pretty well. She gave me her address and said I better write or else. I promised her I would.

Jack wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't even look at me. When I tried to say good-bye, he walked out of the room. That hurt. I think he still resents Fraser for clearing Frank Zuko of Louis' murder. I hope he finds it in his heart to forgive Benny someday.

Benny wouldn't let me come to the Consulate with him. He said he needed to do this alone. How this must hurt him! Being a Mountie was his life. What's left for him to do? Watching him fold his uniforms and pack them away was one of the saddest things I've ever seen.

Benny and I told the family about our plans. Frannie's finally gotten over the initial shock of finding out that Fraser and I are lovers. She was pretty broken up when she heard about Benny's illness. She wished us both the best, and said she'd pray for Benny every day.

Maria said she'd known about me and Benny for awhile. She's so much like Ma, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Tony said he was sorry to hear Benny was sick. He said he really liked him.

Ma took it real well. I know she was hurt, but she wouldn't admit it. She knows Ben and I belong together. She took Benny aside and had a private talk with him. They were both crying when they came downstairs. Ben wouldn't tell me what she said. I have a pretty good idea though.

7/16/96: We packed Benny's things and moved them to the house. Ben said private good-byes to all his neighbors. There were lots of tears.

7/19/96: Benny and I are on our way to Canada! I can't help but think of the last time we tried this. It seems so long ago. At one point during the trip Fraser leaned over and asked me if I was hungry. When I asked him why, he said "Because grubs are particularly plentiful this time of year," and then gave me the most beautiful smile. I started to cry. I didn't mean to, I just couldn't help it. Benny held me and said "I promise I won't make you eat any more bugs Steve." I could feel him laughing, and pretty soon we both were.

Well, we made it this time. Ben's car was at the airport when we landed. He said we'd be staying at a friend's cabin until we could fix up "our" home. I liked the sound of that.

The friend was the local doctor - Bruce Talbot. I was surprised at how accepting and understanding he was about me and Ben. He actually 'gave' us his cabin and he moved into the clinic.

7/20/96: Benny had a rough night last night. He's been in a lot of pain lately, but he never complains. It aggravates the hell out of me sometimes. I wish, just once, he'd scream or yell or get mad, but no. It's like he's just accepted his fate.

We went to the clinic. Bruce gave Benny a physical and changed some of his medication. He talked to us afterwards. Benny's got full blown AIDS. The words felt like a knife through my heart. I don't want to lose him dammit! I can't live without him! I won't live without him!

7/21/96: I think I'm losing Ben. We haven't made love since he was diagnosed as being HIV positive. At first I thought it was because he was afraid of infecting me. Every time I'd touch him, or whisper something suggestive in his ear, he'd pull away. Last night he asked if I'd mind sleeping in the other room. God that hurt! Up until now he didn't mind me sharing his bed. I think in his own way he's preparing me for his death. Doesn't he know how much he's hurting me? He's tearing my insides out! I don't want him to die. I don't even want to think about him dying. I need Ben. He's part of me. He's more than my lover, he's my soulmate.

7/22/96: Ben and Dief were gone when I woke up. The car was out front, so I figured they just went for a walk. I began to panic around lunch time. I went to Ben's footlocker - his dad's rifle was gone. I ran all the way to the clinic. All I could see was Ben lying dead in the woods somewhere with Dief beside him.

It took Bruce 10 minutes to calm me down. He kept telling me that Ben wouldn't commit suicide, that he probably just needed some time alone to think. I wanted to believe him, but I was so scared.

There was a knock on the door around 8:00. It was Eric. He came to tell me Benny was safe. He said Ben's spirit was very troubled because of his illness. Ben went to Eric's village to seek help from the angakok, or shaman, and he'd be back in 3 or 4 days. He told me not to worry. I wanted to go back with him. He just laid his hand on my shoulder and said Ben would be cared for. He said he'd help me prepare "our" home for Ben's return. I wasn't sure what he meant.

7/23/96: Eric woke me up early. He said we had a lot of work to do before Ben's return. We drove to the cabin after breakfast. There were a half dozen people there rebuilding the place. I couldn't believe it! Eric said it was his people's gift to Ben for helping them retrieve their ceremonial masks. I spent the rest of the day measuring, sawing, and hammering wood. I was exhausted when I got back to Bruce's place.

7/24/96: The cabin is really taking shape. It's got two stories and lots of room. I'm amazed that we're building it without blue prints or anything. Eric told me all the people helping worked in the construction business on a regular basis.

7/26/96: It's finished! I can't believe it. Eric and I spent the day gathering herbs and flowers for a purification/blessing ceremony the shaman would perform before Ben and I moved into the cabin.

Ben came home that evening. The shaman was with him. Eric hadn't told me the shaman was a woman! Benny looked so at peace with himself. He walked over to where I was standing, put his arms around me, gave me a very passionate kiss, and told me how much he loved me. I was so happy. My Benny was back.

The shaman blessed the cabin, then we had a celebration. There was music and dancing and eating. It was beautiful. You could feel the love everywhere.

Benny and I spent the night in our new home. Ben suggested that we take a shower together. I didn't refuse. We made love for the first time in a long time. I'd almost forgotten how good his body felt. We continued our lovemaking in the bedroom. I don't know what the shaman did, but I'm forever greatful to her. Ben certainly wasn't troubled any more.

9/30/96: The last few months with Ben have been the happiest in my life. He's been teaching me about wilderness survival. I can positively identify 10 different types of animal tracks, know what is and isn't edible in the forest, and can read a compass accurately. Ben even taught me how to fish. The people back home wouldn't know me anymore. I even wear flannel shirts!

10/3/96: I found Ben unconscious in the kitchen this morning. He's got a pretty bad bruise on his forehead. Bruce came over right away.

Bruce thinks that Ben had a stroke. He's not responding to anything. Bruce had him airlifted to the hospital.

10/4/96: Ben's slipping away. I'm sitting here watching my lover die and there's not a damn thing I can do to help him! I've never felt so helpless!!

10/5/96: Ben died this morning. He just stopped breathing. The doctors tried to bring him back, but there was nothing they could do.

I feel so empty, so numb. Part of my soul has just been ripped away.

I'm back in our cabin. Dief's lying on the floor of the bedroom. He didn't suffer.

I guess this is going to be my last journal entry. Jim was right, it did help to write down my feelings. I just want my family to know how much I love them. Please try to understand why I'm doing this. Ben was more than just my lover, he was my life, my reason for living. I meant it when I said we were soulmates. We belong together, and now we will be, forever. Good-bye.

The end.

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