Pairing: Colin/Ephram
Rating: R
Summary: Ephram obsesses as only the truly young, naïve and hormonal can.
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone, much less these fine characters (if you know where I could buy them, please let me know *g*). I refuse to make any money off them in any event, so please don't sue me.
Spoilers: Random things from all the eps so far.
Notes: Chelsea, thank you so very much for the quick and lovely beta. Thanks to annegirl for the chocolate cake--the bunny was very fat! Thanks to Chelsea and to Cori for the conversion afternoon!


Fire and Ice
by Nicole D'Annais
Copyright 2003


I've never really been the stalker type.

Sure, I watched Amy a lot, but she and I became friends, so that didn't really count. I've never felt that obsessive, all-consuming need to see another person.

At least not until recently.

When I was five, Mom took me to a concert. I can't even remember who played or what songs, or where it was. But I remember the piano. I wanted that piano more than anything. If Mom had said that if I had no candy, soda, nothing but bread and water and dirt for a year, and I could have that piano, I would've agreed. I dreamed about it. I had a picture of it on my wall beside the bed. I've never been that obsessed about anything before or after that piano.

I did get the piano, by the way. I was never sure if it was my obsession or just Mom making up for Dad's constant disappearing act, but I got it.

I'd thought I'd developed a small case of obsession with Amy. It wasn't as bad as the piano, but I spent way more time thinking about her than was good for me.

And then Colin came back to school.

Mom's death left me...cold. And numb. When Dad told me we had to leave the piano in New York, I didn't even blink. He'd looked so proud when he'd showed me the new upright in Everwood, and I tried to be excited, but it was like a bad imitation of real life. He'd abandoned me most of my life, and then when Mom abandoned me (not that it was her fault), he tried too hard to make up for it.

I know, I know. I have abandonment issues. I get that, I really do. I'm used to being alone as a result, and since moving to Everwood, I've only tried to force one friendship.

Amy. How to explain Amy? There was just something about her, her quiet devotion to the love of her life, stuck in a coma, probably never coming back to her. Her sad acceptance and constant attention to someone so...absent reminded me of someone. Of Mom, if I'm being honest.

And as long as I'm being honest, let's face it--my obvious interest in Amy has only helped with hiding a bigger problem. I can watch her with Colin to my heart's content and nobody thinks twice about it. Poor Ephram, pining for what he can't have.

Which brings me to Colin.

I don't know what I was expecting when he came back, but it wasn't anything like what really happened. Colin's insistent friendship was unexpected to say the least. From everything I'd heard, he wasn't really the type to take new kids under his wing. He had his group and that was that. End of story.

But his explanation made sense. And I have to admit to a growing admiration for him as I watched him struggle every day to be what he was expected to be. Self-effacing jokes brushed off any kind of sympathy from anyone who had known him before.

Of course, that didn't include me. I was allowed to see the weaknesses. If I woke up and four months had passed, and I couldn't remember anything, the rest of the world could go fuck itself. My responsibility to me would be more important.

Then again, if I could remember how I'd seen Everwood treat Colin, maybe I'd try to be what they expected too.

In a way, we'd both lost somebody. I'd lost Mom, and Colin had lost himself. I can't imagine what that's like for him--It's bad enough to lose someone else. It's hard to explain to others what that's like, too, to lose someone so close to you. You're numb, and even when it starts to wear off, it still takes something special--almost extraordinary--to reach you. Really reach you.

And human relations--those are a bitch. It took me months to work through the coldness to find even a little of my passion for music, and that wasn't even something that could leave. Sure, something could happen to my hands, or my ears, but if I were blind deaf and a quadriplegic, I'd still hear the music in my head.

I tried with Amy. The way she stuck by Colin was comforting in an odd way. She wouldn't leave unless something beyond her control took her away. But in the end, there were too many reasons not to pursue it. I knew it would end up with me getting hurt. I guess it just wasn't enough. The spark between us was just that--a spark.

I needed a blazing fire.

I have no way of knowing what Colin was like before the accident, not really. I know the idealized story that by now is legend in Everwood. And I know more about the real, post-coma Colin than probably anyone else, even Colin himself.

The legend didn't really hold up to the little facts I'd gotten from various sources. Peak County's golden boy, perfect in every way. But he'd been drinking and driving. He'd told his sister he was going to break up with the girl who had just said she loved him.

It didn't add up. If he was afraid of commitment--and is any guy our age not?--why start something with Amy? He had to know it would end badly. Maybe he didn't think; maybe he didn't care. Who knows?

Given what I know now, maybe he was just confused.

I wonder if he really wants to remember. Maybe somewhere in there he knows what he's going to find in Colin the First's past, and he doesn't want to know.

It would explain a lot. God knows there are days I don't want to know about myself.

It would have caused difficulties in New York, but not many. Here, however, I would be a hundred times the freak they all already thought I was. I wouldn't blame him for not wanting to know. But I don't know how he can ignore it now that he does.

That fire that burned through all those cold layers of numbness brought me back. I'd had flashes of real feeling since Mom's death--usually when I was fighting with Dad--but mostly I was cold and numb. It made school so much easier. No words, no matter how hurtful, can really hurt you when you're numb.

And now that defense had been taken away, burned to cinders by strong hands, soft lips, softer skin, and a voice that whispered promises of a particular kind of Heaven I really wanted to experience.

I'd begged. Me--the person who hasn't really needed anyone or anything--I'd pleaded. And gotten every thing I'd asked for. Apparently I should've planned ahead when I was on my knees.

I'd gotten what I'd asked for, but nothing more.

The first time had been a shock, like frost-bitten skin thrust into hot water, an icy-hot burn that my defenses had no way to fight. His first kiss had breathed life back into me, and every emotion that had been soundly ignored for so long slammed back into existence.

I know I must've looked shocked, or stunned, or something when we finally broke apart. He'd smiled, his hand still on my cheek, his thumb running over my bottom lip. "I know. I don't understand it either, Ephram. But there's nobody here; what can it hurt to try it? Nobody needs to know."

I should've paid more attention to that last part. "Nobody needs to know." Raging hormones, however, have a way of causing selective hearing. My body was very insistent that he was so, so, right, and this was a great idea.

We were both fumbling--this was entirely new to me, and if Colin had had any experience in it, he couldn't remember it anyway. But he certainly knew what he wanted, and he had no problem voicing it.

If anybody ever calls me a cocksucker, I am *so* busted. I'm sure Colin, the consummate actor, could shrug the comment off and never be discovered, but I'm not that good. I'm a terrible liar. I've always preferred the truth.

Not that I can't lie to myself with the best of them. 'Just this once' lasted exactly two days. Not that he called and said, "Hey, Ephram, let's get together and suck each other off." No, it was, "Hey, Ephram, my folks are visiting Laynie for the weekend. Wanna have an anime fest?"

Masochist that I am, I never considered saying no, even as I asked if Amy would be there. When he said she had a family thing for the weekend, I told Dad not to wait up, because we'd probably fall asleep in front of the TV. He knew how easily I forgot the time when I was watching anime--he didn't even blink.

Maybe I'm turning into a better liar after all.

We didn't even get ten minutes into the first DVD before our clothes were off. I was grateful we'd decided to watch in his room. There was something so hot about making out to the flickering lights of anime, the Japanese words (I'm a purist--I will *not* listen to the dubs) almost like a love song in the background.

Am I seriously fucked up, or does everyone just have weird quirks when it comes to this out-of-control passion thing?

Because it was totally out of control. We did stuff I'd never dreamed of wanting, and at that point, I thought I'd die if I didn't do every last thing. Having him was more important than oxygen.

We did eventually fall asleep in a tangle of naked limbs still slick with cooling sweat, and it was the best sleep I'd had since Mom's death. I still woke up before Colin, though, and it was...odd.

He looked so relaxed, as if nothing could bother him. Whenever he's in public, there's this strain around his eyes. You have to look closely, or you miss it, but being Colin the First sometimes seems to be his own special hell.

Even when we were alone, when he could be more himself, the post-coma Colin, he always looked tired, as if the strain from pretending had worn him down. If he fell asleep on the couch, that look was still there.

But lying there asleep, he looked relaxed. Happy. Sunlight drifted in through the curtains, glinting off the curls that were showing up as his hair grew longer. They curled perfectly, of course, despite all of our activity.

Colin's eyes opened, and an easy grin spread across his face, dimple to dimple. It was a perfect moment, like that last note in a Rachmaninoff piece you've just played with a precision and passion you know you'll never achieve again.

"Hi," he'd said.

"Hi."

He'd kissed me, and conversation had become unnecessary. It was only later, searching for our clothes, that he said something important.

"So, another anime fest tonight?"

He couldn't see the grin on my face as I put on my sock. "Sounds good to me."

I'm good with understatement. It sounded like the only thing I wanted out of life at that moment. If someone had asked me right at that moment to choose between a night with Colin, and performing at Carnegie Hall, I don't know what I would've chosen.

Dad was a little more reluctant about a second anime fest. Colin needs his rest, I needed to do my homework, blah blah blah.

"But his parents are gone. I don't think he likes being there alone, in case anything happens." I could personally attest to just how physically fit Colin Hart was right then, but I was apparently taking to lying as well as everything else new in my life, because Dad bought it.

That night was every bit as good as the one before. He woke me the next morning with a kiss, and only then did it occur to me that he'd taught Amy how to kiss. Kissing Amy had been great. But this...he could teach master classes.

Of course, the problem with coming back to life is that it's only a matter of time before life deals you another killer blow.

"Ephram...." I knew that sound in his voice, knew it well enough to pause before I continued buttoning my jeans. "We need to talk."

"So talk." I couldn't' see him from where I sat on the bed, turning my shirt right side out, but he apparently needed practice with his open, earnest face, because he sat down next to me.

He waited until I looked up at him. "This is no good."

"That's funny, because it sounded to me like you thought it was very good."

"No. I mean, it was." He rubbed his eyes, and when he looked at me again, the strain was back. "Look...it's just...it was too good, okay? And...people expect things from me Ephram. My parents, Bright, Amy...."

I jerked my shirt on as I stood up. "Right, I forgot." Definitely getting better at the lying, because there was almost no hint in my voice that I wanted to punch him right then. "Your life still belongs to Colin the First."

I glanced back down. He looked relieved, but the strain was still there. So, now I was getting the mask too. "Ephram...."

He reached for my hand, but I moved away to pick up my bag. "It's okay, I get it. Don't worry about it. It was just some fun."

"Right." He followed me to his bedroom door. "So, we're cool?"

"Yeah." If he could pretend, so could I. "We're cool."

It wasn't a total lie. I was cold as ice as I let myself out of the house.

***

School became more torture than usual. The ice around my emotions was fighting with the fire Colin had ignited somewhere in me, and I really had no idea which would win. I was equally scared of both.

Lunch itself was a particular kind of hell. Everything had to appear normal--that was the reason for all of this, after all. So I sat there every day, next to Colin, across from Amy, wondering if moving back to New York was still out of the realm of possibilities.

Luckily, I was not known for my contributions to lunchtime conversation--if you could call the babble they had that. I'd had conversations with Colin, and I knew he was capable of so much more. But apparently Colin the First only cared about superficial crap.

Sometimes, having a doctor for a father sucks. I wanted to stay home and pretend to be sick, but I couldn't even do that. Dad would've seen right through it, and then there would've been questions and concern and finally a lecture on how I had to get over Amy and move on.

To think there was a time when I'd thought I'd never get over Amy. But, like I said, my slight obsession with her worked to my advantage. When I would sit and stare at the two of them being all couply, Wendell would invariably tease me about the fair Amy, and start picking out substitutes I should go after instead.

It's hell liking someone when you can at least share your misery with a friend. But there was no one I could share this particular problem with. The only other person who would've understood had made his lack of interest in the subject perfectly clear.

Well, his interest in discussing the subject, anyway. There were times when I'd be watching him with Amy, and he would glance up and catch me. The answering flame to the blaze inside me would burn in his eyes for a moment, and then he'd look away, and time moved on.

I lived for those moments sometimes, even though everything inside me threatened to break loose. I knew one day it might, and God only knew what I'd say before I regained control. But the risk was worth it.

Of course, watching them together, I couldn't help wondering how much they'd done together. Did Amy know about that spot under Colin's ear that drove him crazy? Did she know about those three freckles just inside his right thigh? Did she know that sound he makes right before he--

That was usually the point at which Stalker Boy threatened to become Psycho Boy, and I made a hasty exit. If I couldn't leave, then I turned my mind to nice, calming, piano scales.

Speaking of piano, there was one beneficiary of my problems--Matt was amazed at how my playing had improved.

"Whatever you're doing, Ephram, keep it up. You're playing better than ever."

"I keep it up, I'll be playing in jail," I muttered.

He raised his eyebrows at that comment, but he didn't ask. Probably attributed it to girl trouble, like everyone else.

It's hell being a teenager. Every single outburst is 'hormones' or 'girl trouble.' Well, hormones might have been part of this, but girls were not.

Ironically, Amy seemed to realize something was wrong. She assumed it was because of her and Colin, and she was right, but for all the wrong reasons. I let her think whatever she wanted. It didn't matter anyway. I went along, I pretended, and I let them all think whatever they wanted, because it was easier.

Until today.

I walked into the lunchroom and I just couldn't do it. I turned around, telling Wendell I'd forgotten something, and headed straight for the payphone. For once, my luck was good, and Dad was free. I don't know what kind of desperation was in my voice, but he actually agreed to call the school and tell them I could leave.

Of course, he wanted me to come talk to him. I promised to be home by dinner if I could have a little time alone first. I must've sounded really convincing, because he agreed again.

I grabbed my stuff from my locker and went for my bike as fast as I could, before anyone could come looking for me. I didn't even have a destination in mind when I started, but I should've known where I'd end up.

It's just a shack out in the woods. Nobody knows why it's here or why it hadn't been torn down. The owners are 'out of towners' is always the explanation, as if that actually explains anything.

Wendell told me about it once, and Colin and I found it that afternoon when we'd...jumped each other. He'd needed to get away from all the well-meaning but annoying members of Everwood and be treated like a normal person, so we'd gone looking for it.

The small room is just as dusty as I remembered, and the cot in the corner looks as if it hasn't been touched since we'd last been here. If I'd known what was going to happen when we found this place...well, I'm not sure what I would've done. I miss my friend, Colin, the person he is when he's away from everyone else. The one who actually likes manga and anime, and rolls his eyes at the stupid comments of his crowd when nobody but me is looking.

But what we had that day, and that weekend...it was good. I sit down on the cot, looking out the window at the trees blocking Everwood from my view. Maybe I've been so blinded by my own passion that I've misread things, but he seemed to think so too. And I know neither of us have much else to base expectations on, unless he has memories he hasn't told anyone about yet.

So why could we not just keep doing it? We wouldn't have to tell anyone--God knows I didn't need that to come out any more than he did. So why--

"Ephram."

Shit. "Hey, Colin," I manage to say, standing up and edging toward the door just a bit.

"You disappeared from school."

"Yeah, I...." Sure, *now* my newfound lying skills desert me. "I had to get out of there, y'know?"

He nods, shoving his good hand in his pocket. "Yeah, I kinda figured. I asked your friend, Wendell, and he said you'd forgotten something and then just disappeared. He made some comment about forgetting an invisibility ray--is he in special ed?"

I can't help but laugh. "No, he's just Wendell."

"Anyway, I called your house, and you weren't there. Your dad didn't know where you were...so I thought I'd look here."

I know I haven't been gone that long, and a quick glance at my watch confirmes that. "How did you get out of school?"

"Are you kidding?" He raises one eyebrow. "Coma Boy 'get out of jail free' card."

"Right. Should've known." We stand there for what seems like a year in silence I finally have to say something--anything is better than quiet awkwardness. "So, not that I don't appreciate the effort, but is there a reason you came looking for me?"

Colin wanders over to the cot and sits down. "You weren't there," he says finally. "Look, Ephram, I know I said we should just stop...but...you weren't there, y'know?"

"No," I say honestly, folding my arms over my chest.

He stared at the ground. "I thought it would be easy, that we could just go on being friends, and as long as you were around and I could see you, things would be fine."

His eyes meet mine for a brief second before fixing on a spot over my left shoulder. "And then you weren't there," he continues, shaking his head, "and I flaked. I had to find you." His eyes meet mine again. "Does that make any sense?"

"A little," I concede, shifting my feet. "But there's one thing you left out."

"What?"

"Why you flaked when I wasn't there."

He sighs and shakes his head again. "I don't know."

"Then find me again when you do." I'm almost to the door when he calls my name. I stop without turning around. "What?"

"I missed you."

That's enough to at least get me in the vicinity of the cot. "Go on."

"I...." He looks as helpless as he did in class when he'd first come back to school, and I almost give in, but something in me can't. I need more. "If you're there," he says, staring at his shoes, "I can see you, sit next to you...touch you sometimes, and it...helps. With the missing you part."

Then he has clearly been handling it better than me. "I suppose it didn't make any difference if it helped me or not?"

His head shoots up. "But you--you said you were fine. It was 'just fun.'"

"Jesus, Colin," I say, rolling my eyes. "That's what any guy would say. Were you born yesterday?"
"Not quite, but it's only been a few months." He looks up through his lashes. "Cut me a little slack?"

I shake my head, but I can feel the smile tugging at my lips. "Coma Boy 'get out of jail free' card?"

"No. Stupid Guy 'blind spot' card. Does that trump Coma Boy?"

"I think they're about equal in weight, but Stupid Guy carries more sincerity points."

He laughs quietly. "So...what now?"

"You tell me."

"I thought that was the problem already."

"Good point." I sit down beside him. "What do you want?"

That familiar fire surfaces in his eyes, warming me inside. "You?"

I'm trying to fight off the emotions, struggling for reason. "But for how long?"

"I can't make any promises, Ephram. Can you?"

"Okay, fair enough." I turn to face him, leaning forward on my knee. "Then I need to know you're going to be honest with me. I don't care how much you want to spare my feelings--I can handle honesty a hell of a lot better than the mixed signals you've been giving me."

He looks up through his lashes again, and I had to steel myself to wait for a response instead of just jumping him right then. "I wondered if you'd noticed that."

"You nearly set my locker on fire, dude."

He grins. "I was trying to be good," he says in a lower voice, one that further melts my insides.

I hold up my hand as he leans toward me, pushing against his chest to hold him at bay. "I'm serious, Colin. Honesty."

"What do you want, some kind of public declaration? Because if you want me to be honest, I don't think I'm--"

"No, I'm not ready for anything like that either. We may never be." My fingers curl in his shirt. "Just tell me the truth."

"Okay. I can do that." He smiles. "Is there anything else, or can I *please* kiss you now?"

It's the asking that puts me over the edge. The hand that was holding him back now pulls him near, and the fire rises up to consume us both.

A long time later, as we lay sandwiched together on the cot, our breathing slowly returning to normal, I twist one of his short curls around my finger, noticing a small smile on his face as he drifts off to sleep.

We have to go soon--I'd promised dad I'd be home for dinner--but we have a little time. It was all we'd get, I realized, a little time here and there to fan the fires before we had to hide them away until the next time. And in between...well, I refuse to think about Amy right now. What Colin and I could get would be enough.

It would have to be.
---

END



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