No, it wasn't the tension keeping me awake. It was the memory. The last night before Naboo. We'd spent days arguing, barely speaking, then arguing again. But with the planet fast approaching, and with it the possibility of war, I had decided to try one more time.
It had gotten very late by the time I went to Qui-Gon's quarters. Most of the others on board were asleep, so I met no one in the hall as I stood at the door, hesitating. Finally, the door opened. "Are you going to stand there all night, or did you plan to come in?"
I let that pass; I refused to give in to anger. I was there to make peace. So I entered the room and began my well-rehearsed speech. "Master, I don't wish to argue with you...."
"Then don't." As if it were that simple. He was convinced of the path, so I mustn't question it. Never mind that when it came to seeing the bigger picture, we both knew I was much stronger than he.
"Is it my fault my Master taught me to think for myself? To question others when I believe it's necessary, no matter who they might be?"
One corner of his mouth turned upward; a good sign. "Remind me to give your Master a sound lecture on that."
"As long as you do it in private so no one sees you talking to yourself."
"Obi-Wan...." He sighed, then reached for me and pulled me into his arms. "I've no wish to hurt you."
"Then don't." My voice was muffled by his shoulder, but he heard me.
He loosened his hold, allowing him to look down into my eyes. "Anakin must be trained. I don't know how else to say it."
"He's dangerous. I know it."
"Dangerous or no, to leave him untrained is even worse, especially now."
"But--" My words were cut off with a kiss, not an entirely unwelcome interruption. We had been headed for another fight, and with all that was to come, fighting was not high on my list of preferred activities for the evening.
After a long moment, my master pulled back. "Do you really want to fight?" I shook my head, and he lowered his lips to mine again.
I can't explain what it was like, making love with Qui-Gon. I could try to compare it to other events, but I don't think the description would ever come close to explaining the way it felt. If you took the day I came to the Temple, the day he asked me to be his Padawan, and each day I received a new tie for my braid, and rolled them all into one, it still wouldn't match the feeling. It was like being in the eye of a tornado, warm and calm, but with a frenzied storm caressing my skin to a feverish state, whipping around both of us, but never able to destroy us completely. Nothing could destroy us, not as long as we were together.
Afterwards, we lay there in silence for several minutes, holding each other. I could tell he wanted to say something, but I wasn't willing to start the conversation. I sensed it wouldn't be a good one.
"Obi-Wan..." he said finally, kissing my forehead, "I need you to do a favor for me."
"Yes, Master?"
"The boy *must* be trained."
I tensed and reached for my clothing, hurt that he chose to continue the discussion now, angry that he continued it at all. "That's your opinion."
"That's the truth."
"From your point of view," I said as I yanked on my pants. "That's how you categorized my feelings about the boy's future; why should your feelings about his present be any different?"
"You don't have the connection to the living Force that I do."
I turned to face him, boots in hand. "And you don't have the connection to the future that *I* do," I snapped. "I may be a mere Padawan, not anywhere near the level of a great Jedi Master, but maybe, just maybe, once in a while, I could be right. Think about that," I added before I whirled away and left the room, ignoring his voice as he called after me.
I spent the rest of the night in my quarters, shields as tight as I could get them, refusing to reach out to the Force even a little, lest he try to contact me. He didn't go so far as to come to my room, but then if he'd tried other methods to reach me, he would have known right away I had no desire to speak to him.
If I'd only known....
At least I had the sense to apologize the next day. Our conversation in the swamps of Naboo has been a slight comfort every day since then. If he had died without that, I'm not sure I could have stood it. Some days I barely could as it was.
Still, that last night haunted me. But lying awake, thinking about it, was better than sleep. In sleep, the one memory I would just as soon forget couldn't be kept at bay. The memory of the Sith's saber slicing through Qui-Gon's body, of my own attempts at healing him until I passed out from the strain.
And of waking up in a med bay. Alone. With my Master's presence nowhere to be found.
So I tossed and turned. I agonized over decisions I couldn't change. And I waited for the nightmare to end.
***
When I finally gave up on sleep, meditation cleared my mind enough for me to practice a few katas without losing concentration. I'd found over the previous year that it was possible to exist on very little sleep, if all you're doing is just existing. It doesn't take much energy to follow rules, follow a code, and let your training guide you. Automatic pilot is easy.
Even if you're training a padawan. I suppose Anakin deserved better than a master on automatic pilot, but I couldn't help it. He was a quick learner, and I'd drilled him well, so he was finally as skilled as the other students his age in many areas. But even I could tell that the fatherly warmth the boy wanted wasn't there. I didn't have it to give.
I realized how late it had gotten and went to wake Anakin, only to find him already in the process of making his bed. "Good morning, Master."
"Good morning, Padawan. Are you ready for the test?"
"I'm not sure. What exactly is this test?" I shrugged, which only increased his frown. "Didn't you have to go through a test at one year?"
I didn't answer directly. I knew he already felt out of place at the Temple; to find out he was one of the few to undergo a full-Council evaluation after one year as an apprentice would have done more harm than good. "The Council will decide how best to test you. I know little more than you do at this point."
If he suspected anything out of the ordinary, he didn't let on. He simply followed me out of our quarters and through the hallways until we reached the Council chambers. We waited silently for several minutes until Anakin was called into the room. "Aren't you coming?" he asked me.
"I'm to wait here."
He paused for a heartbeat, then squared his shoulders and walked into the room. As the door closed, I allowed myself a small smile. It was his way of dealing with situations that scared him. And I knew the Council would see right through it.
The test didn't take long. When I joined them in the chambers I was informed only that he had performed well, and that I was doing an admirable job. Of course, coming from the Council that was high praise.
I assumed we would be dismissed after that, but I was wrong. "How feel you, Obi-Wan?"
While I might have tried telling some of the others I was just fine, I learned at a very young age that one does not lie to Master Yoda. He will make you regret it, no matter how old you are. "I am tired, Master, but well."
His eyes narrowed to thin slits in his round face. "Not so well, I think. Rest you could use, yes?"
Before I could answer, Master Mace spoke up. "Obi-Wan, I think young Anakin would benefit from spending some time with a council member. I would like to train with him today."
I nodded my approval, even though he didn't actually need it. "Anakin, I'll meet you in the dining hall at the dinner hour?" My apprentice nodded, and I left, wandering the halls until I ended up back at my room by habit.
Out of respect for Master Yoda's opinion, I took off my robe and lay down on the bed. But sleep did not come; as I knew it wouldn't. I couldn't sleep on a normal day, so why would I be able to sleep today? That the Council recognized this did not surprise me. That they went out of their way to try to make it easier did. It was not the Jedi way to dwell on such things.
Not that I cared. I should have felt embarrassed, at the least, that they needed to take care of my apprentice for a day because I was unable. I should have felt gratitude at the kindness. I should have felt something.
But I didn't. I hadn't really felt anything in a long time. Not for one year to the day. Not since I woke up alone in a med bay on Naboo.
From that moment on, I'd felt practically nothing.
***
Sleep never came, but the dinner hour did. I rose, attempted to at least make myself appear more rested, and headed off to the dining hall. Anakin was waiting for me at the door with Master Mace, who thanked me for my padawan's company and left. Anakin and I sat down to eat, and I listened dutifully while he told me what he'd learned, filing the information away in the back of my mind without really processing it.
"Master...."
The hesitation in Anakin's tone caught my attention, and I made myself focus. "Yes, Padawan?"
"I was wondering...do you know what today is?"
I froze. I hadn't expected the question, and I didn't want to talk about it. But he was my student. My responsibility. "Yes, Anakin, I do."
He shrugged, barely able to meet my eyes. "I wasn't sure if...if we should do something?"
I hadn't felt anything. But now I felt a pain in my chest, like a fissure ripping my heart. Anakin had known Qui-Gon for a very short time, and yet he wanted to remember. I had known him half my life, and all I wanted was to forget.
But then Anakin had only lost a friend and a possible mentor. I felt like I had lost the rest of my life.
It seemed to be a hard decision. I could put him off and say the Jedi didn't do special remembrances for their dead. It was true enough--we did not honor them with special ceremonies, for they were one with the Force. They were supposed to be all around us, although I'd found no proof of that.
Or I could help him remember his friend. My master. My love.
The crack in my heart grew, but along with the pain came the remembrance of the pleasure. The happiness.
The decision wasn't so hard after all.
"Come on, Ani, let's go."
***
We went back to our quarters, where I searched the closet for a trunk I had packed away upon returning from Naboo and not looked at since. In the bottom I found candles that had me fighting back tears. They were just pieces of wax with string through the middle. And yet the sight and smell of them brought back memories so strong I wasn't sure I could handle it.
I fought the emotion, tempering it until it became manageable. I was almost surprised I could do that after a year of not allowing myself to feel anything. I put the candles on a low table in our living area and reached for a match.
On one of my visits to my family as a child, someone in the community had died. I have no recollection of who it was, but I remember the ceremony we attended very clearly.
The town leader lit several candles, and spoke about the deceased townsman with great admiration. Several other town members rose to share their memories, and while there was more than one person crying by the time it was through, everyone seemed so much happier at the same time.
Later that night, before bed, I asked my mother why it made them so happy to cry. She told me it was their way of letting the person go and still holding onto the memories. That the tears washed away the pain and left the good things behind.
It was an explanation for a child. But as in all children's tales, there was an element of truth to it. I hoped that the ceremony, or at least our version of it, would wash away some of the pain. Having the memories back instead of locked away would be worth it.
***
"Good, good, Anakin. Now let the saber hang looser when you go to the side. No, that's too tight. You need to be loose. Get too tight and you'll--"
"Ow!" Anakin shut off his lightsaber and let out a few Huttese curses that were unbecoming of a Padawan his age.
I moved in to examine the damage. "Ouch. It's not that bad, but I think the healers should have a look."
One of the senior healers looked at the wound briefly before pronouncing it to be rather minor and shuffling us off to an apprentice healer. Anakin rolled his eyes at me in silent commentary on the healer's attitude, a display I chose to ignore for now, despite the disrespect it showed. Humor was a good way to combat pain if you had no other methods. The reminder not to do it again could wait.
"Somehow I knew I'd see you in here one day."
I looked up, frowning until I recognized the woman. "Dara! How have you been?"
"Good. It's good to see you. How long has it been?"
"About thirteen years, I would guess. I haven't seen you since before I became a Padawan."
"And now here you are, a Knight."
"And you a healer. Quite a surprise."
Dara shrugged. "Apprentice healer at the moment. I've just finished training in the Outer Rim, and I hope to be made a full healer soon."
"Good for you." I turned back to my apprentice. "Anakin, this is Dara Stahn. Dara, this is my Padawan, Anakin Skywalker. We were training and his arm had an unfortunate run-in with a lightsaber."
"Let me take a look." She kneeled down to examine his burn, then went to work on it, healing it quickly. "All set," she told him as she stood. "Ready to go take on that lightsaber again, I bet?"
Anakin nodded, but I thought better of trying that particular exercise again today, given his fatigue. The two of us had stayed up late after our impromptu ceremony to honor Qui-Gon. We'd talked about him at first, then everything but him as we both locked our memories behind a cage, somewhere we could still see them, but they couldn't do much damage. Then we both went off to try to sleep.
Sleep had still been elusive, and I realized it showed when Dara stopped me before we could leave. "Anakin, give this to the lady over there," she said as she handed him a datapad. He gave her a sharp look, then on my nod, did as he was told.
"Obi-Wan...I heard about what happened...with Qui-Gon. I'm sorry."
My shields slammed up automatically. "Thanks." Even to my own ears I sounded cold.
"Look, it's been a year. You're exhausted, and from what I hear, you're barely functional these days."
Did they suddenly have a bulletin board posted somewhere with my daily health status? "You've been busy since you got back if you've gathered all that information about me. One might wonder where you've found the time to heal people."
"Healing is what I'm trying to do. Or help with, at any rate. You can't go on like this. You're killing yourself. And you'll be no good to the boy if you're dead."
I could have told her I'd finally realized I had to deal with this last night. I could have told her Anakin seemed to be doing fine the way things were. I could have told her a lot of things. But the information was none of her business. "Thank you for your advice," was all I said, and this time the coldness in my tone was intentional.
She sighed, and before she could start in again, I called to Anakin and ushered him out of the room, bidding her a polite, reserved goodbye on my way out the door.
***
Dara's 'advice' had left me with excess energy, anger I hadn't quite managed to channel into the Force, but hadn't wanted to take out on her. She was trying to help; it wasn't her fault I refused her assistance. "Anakin, how would you like to sit and watch an exercise instead of doing one?"
"All right!" he said as we both picked up our pace on the way to the training room. Once we were there, I made sure he was seated at a safe distance and performed one of the most difficult katas I knew. It required intense concentration and focus, and a great amount of energy.
By the time I was finished, I was exhausted. Anakin was suitably impressed, and didn't argue when I suggested we call it a day. We ate in our quarters. I managed to stay awake on the couch until my apprentice went to bed. Only then was I able to drag myself over to my own room and fall into the bed, allowing sleep to claim me immediately.
***
Over the next week I used physical exhaustion as a way to force myself to sleep. It only worked until the dreams began, and then I would be awake again. But at least it allowed me a couple of hours of sleep. That was something.
It was a relief when Anakin and I were sent on a mission to Jurla, a planet that had recently been devastated by a storm. Rain, combined with fatal winds, had managed to destroy homes in various areas all over the planet. Thousands had been killed, and many of those still alive were without homes and had limited food and supplies.
I was hoping the distraction of a mission would help me. I wanted to move on. I needed to move on. Unfortunately, part of me refused to do so. As soon as we boarded the ship, however, I had the feeling distraction would not be allowed.
"Obi-Wan! Good to see you again."
"Dara." I managed to smile, or at least give some facsimile of a smile. "I didn't know you would be on this mission."
"We received the orders this morning, same as you I would imagine."
"We?"
"Me, my Master, and two other Master Healers."
I nodded. "Who else is on board?"
"Olak, Master Hurn, and Ka'ar Rall."
"Ka'ar's master isn't coming along?"
"He passed his trials days ago, didn't you hear?"
"I must have missed it."
Her face grew serious. "I'm not surprised, the way you've been wandering around in a daze."
I turned to Anakin, intent on getting him out of here before I said anything else. "Please take our things to our room." I waited until he was gone before I turned back to Dara. "Have I suddenly become your personal project?"
"Look, Obi-Wan, I'm just trying to help."
"Save your help for the people on Jurla. They need it. *I* do not." I left quickly before she could start in on me again. I was beating myself up just fine; I didn't need any assistance.
***
The mission went well, and distracted me, but not as much as I'd hoped. Especially not with Dara around, giving me those looks, trying to make me deal with my feelings. I knew I had to deal with them. And I would. After the mission.
Eventually there was little more we could do, so we left. I couldn't wait to get back to Coruscant, where I could put plenty of distance between me and my new external conscience. Anakin was excited about having been on a successful mission, and didn't seem to notice the tension whenever Dara was around, for which I was grateful. Her presence was annoying enough; if I'd had to endure questions about her when she wasn't around it would have been too much.
We were only one day from Coruscant when disaster struck. An engine malfunction that led to an extremely rough emergency landing. I cursed my luck--at this rate, I'd never be rid of Dara.
That thought in mind, Anakin and I went straight to Ka'ar, who'd been piloting the ship, and offered our help with repairs. We were working on the hull the next morning when Dara approached.
"Think we'll get going soon?"
"If we're able to work without distraction," I replied, keeping my attention on my work.
Anakin had been searching through our tools, but now he turned to me. "We're missing the wrench I need. I'll see if Ka'ar has one."
I nodded reluctantly, unwilling to have my one buffer from Dara's questions disappear. But we had to repair the ship. As soon as Anakin was out of sight, Dara started. "You look horrible."
"Thank you. Hard work has a way of making one dirty."
"No, I mean tired. Exhausted."
"Dara, I just spent three weeks helping a planet rebuild. There wasn't a lot of time for sleep."
"Like you were sleeping much before that?"
I caught the skin on my left hand with the tool in my right and cursed. "Look...." My voice was as patient as I could get it, considering I was about to explode. "I know you mean well. But your interference is as unnecessary as it is unwelcome."
She had the grace to look a bit ashamed, but not to quit entirely. "I'm sorry, but--"
"No buts, unless it's in the form of a 'butt out.'"
"But--"
"I said no."
"Look, you're a nice guy. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and I just hate seeing you so wasting away, killing yourself, over a l--" she stopped suddenly, then shook her head. "Never mind."
She couldn't meet my eyes anymore. Something wasn't right. "Over a what?"
"I should let you get back to work," she said as she took a few steps away from me.
First she was so eager to talk, and now she wanted to get away? Suddenly I was very interested in chatting. "Over a what?"
"It was nothing. Forget it."
"Dara, what's going on?"
"Ka'ar had the wrench," Anakin called out as he turned the corner. "I think we should be done with this section soon."
I looked over at him. "Excellent." The sooner we got back home, the better. When I turned back to Dara, she was gone.
***
We were on our way again that night. Anakin was exhausted from working on the ship, and fell asleep easily, but I was not that lucky. I needed to exercise. Maybe then I could sleep.
Most of the ship was asleep, so I headed for the common room. It was large enough to allow me freedom of movement, and I wouldn't be likely to disturb anyone at this hour.
Of course it was just my luck that Dara found me before I'd even started the kata. "Obi-Wan. I've been looking for you."
"There's a surprise," I muttered. "What can I do for you?"
"Listen, I know you're annoyed with me." Ah, so she did have some perceptive abilities after all? "But whatever you think, I'm doing this because I just hate to see you hurting. We were friends once, and I'd like to think we could be again now."
"Friends don't keep things from friends."
For a moment I thought she was going to pretend she didn't know what she meant, then she nodded. "I may be a friend, but I serve the Jedi first and foremost. Such a thing is hard to just toss aside."
That made no sense. Not that badgering her was likely to get me anywhere. So I tried a new tactic. "You want to know why I'm so tired?"
"You feel like talking about it?"
"Sure. Why not? It's not as if *not* talking about it has gotten me anywhere. I lie awake at night, reliving the last night Qui-Gon was alive. Then I finally fall asleep and relive his death. So I wake up, lie there and relive the last night all over again. It is an endless cycle, it is painful, it is mind-numbing, and it is exhausting."
The admission hurt so much I was shaking, but I somehow *knew* that whatever she wasn't telling me was something I had to know. I needed to know, no matter what the cost. When she didn't speak, I continued. "I'm not sure which is worse, the memory, or the nightmare. But I am sure that it's preferable to be alone, where I don't have to answer questions, or act like everything's just fine. Because it's not."
A couple of tears slid down her cheeks, but she didn't start crying in earnest. Instead, she did the unexpected. She leaned up and kissed me on the cheek, then moved her lips to my ears and whispered words that changed my life yet again.
"Qui-Gon's not dead."
Before I could say anything she kissed me on the mouth, effectively stifling the scream of "What?!" that would have made its way out a moment later. I pulled her off me, but she immediately put her fingers to my lips.
"Not here." The warning was clear in her eyes, but I wasn't that easily put off. I didn't care if there were three cameras in the room and the entire Council was watching. I wanted an answer and I wanted it now.
"Where, then?"
She looked around, then seemed to realize there was nowhere else. If the ship was outfitted with surveillance equipment, no room would be safe. So she kissed my cheek again, trailing kisses up to my ear, where she whispered the information. "I saw him almost a year ago, after Naboo, ill, but alive. That's all I know."
With that, she pulled away, intent on leaving. I stopped her, but she shook her head. "That's all."
"We'll talk tomorrow," I promised as I let her go. I wasn't going to stop until I found out exactly what was going on. If she was lying, then why? It was cruel and heartless, on top of being dishonest. What would she stand to gain by it? And if it was true...then I wouldn't stop until I found Qui-Gon. And answers.
***
Dara managed to stay out of my sight until we got off the ship the next morning. I went looking for her at the Temple, but either she had other Jedi covering for her---an almost unheard of feat--or she was steering clear of everyone to avoid me. It was obvious she wouldn't be found until she wanted to be.
I was in a foul mood by the time I returned to my quarters. Anakin was reading in the main room, but when I arrived he put down the reader and stood. "Can I do something for you, Master?"
I shook my head, then reconsidered. "Why don't you go get your lightsaber? We'll practice defensive moves."
"Yes, sir!" Anakin hurried toward his room, then stopped. "I almost forgot," he said as he turned back and held out a folded piece of paper. "There's a message for you."
I nodded, reaching for the note, but waiting until he left before opening it. I wasn't really surprised to see it was from Dara. Paper was rather scarce on Coruscant. Datapads and computers were preferred. Unless you didn't want an electronic trail of your message. And she'd obviously felt a need for secrecy about this...whatever this was she'd pulled me into.
Opening my mind to accept any possibilities, I read the note.
Obi-Wan,
I cannot in good conscience leave you wondering without the last bit of information I have. His ship was headed for Taleux. The attempt to wipe my memory of knowledge of his survival failed, and I could be thrown out of the order on my ear for not reporting that. Never mind what they'd do to me if they knew I told you. But I could not keep quiet.
Please be careful. There are strange currents in the Force surrounding this entire affair, and the whole thing makes me nervous.
My Master and I leave today for a mission that may take some time, so it will likely be a while before I see you again.
May the Force be with you.
Dara
I sat down on the couch, putting the note on the table. None of this made any sense. If Dara was right--and I was nowhere near ready to dismiss the possibility that she was completely delusional--why hide the truth? The Sith killed Qui-Gon. At least as far as everyone knew that was the case. If that was wrong...
But it couldn't be. I would know if he was alive. Even if I put aside the fact that he would find a way to let me know if he were alive, even if he couldn't find a way, I would *know*. I would sense his presence. He couldn't hide that from me.
Could he?
This was madness. I couldn't comprehend all the possibilities yet. There was no sense in even trying. I needed to do some investigating and prove to myself that this was just something Dara's crazed mind had created.
Because the alternative was unthinkable.
I wouldn't find out anything on Coruscant. Dara had been my only source of information, and she had conveniently removed herself. I needed to go to Taleux.
"Master?" I looked up to see Anakin waiting near the door, lightsaber in hand.
Anakin. Taleux was right next to Tatooine. How convenient for me. "Let's go," I said as I rose from the couch. I would take him to train as if nothing had happened. As if everything was completely normal.
And then tomorrow I would ask the Council to allow us to visit Tatooine. Visits back home were normal for students. And the timing, just after he'd been tested at the end of his first year, couldn't have been better. No one would think anything of the request, or of me accompanying such a special student on his trip home.
From there, I would find a way to visit Taleux.
***
Our trip to Tatooine was approved without so much as a raised eyebrow. The Council was pleased with Anakin's progress and with our successful mission on Jural. In fact, they must have been very pleased, because we received two weeks to stay on Tatooine.
During the trip, Anakin spent a lot of time in the cockpit with Ka'ar. I sat in my cabin and analyzed the situation to death, rehashing the same points until they threatened to drive me crazy.
Qui-Gon couldn't possibly be alive. So why was I following this through, chasing phantoms across space on the hushed claims of someone I'd only known as a child?
Maybe I needed to have proof so the next time she tried to tell me he was alive I could stop her in her tracks. "Sorry, Dara, I was there and *he* was not, so stop torturing me."
Then again, there was always the slight possibility that she was telling the truth. Even if I couldn't sense Qui-Gon anywhere. Even if such a deception seemingly went against everything the Jedi lived by. That I would find him alive seemed impossible.
And yet he is the one who taught me that, 'The only thing that is truly impossible is that anything is truly impossible.' It wasn't part of the Jedi Code, but Qui-Gon said it was one of the most important lessons he'd learned in life. Once you remembered that rule, it became much easier to solve a problem, because you knew you hadn't dismissed the answer.
So even though it seemed impossible, I had to know for sure. The part of me that desperately wanted it to be true wouldn't rest until I knew. What that part of me would do with the part that would be severely upset I wouldn't know until the situation arose.
I was half-afraid and half-hopeful that I'd get the chance to find out.
***
We passed by Taleux just before we reached Tatooine. I wanted to reach out with the Force, to see if I could sense Qui-Gon's presence, but I kept myself as shielded as I could without alarming Anakin.
If Qui-Gon was alive, then someone was obviously shielding him from everyone connected to the Force. I would have sensed him otherwise. Our connection had been too strong to die completely--even if he had died, which had puzzled me for the last year.
Perhaps that accounted for my difficulty in dealing with his death, as well as my current search. From the moment I awoke in the med bay, there had been no trace of Qui-Gon in the Force. It was as if he'd simply ceased to exist in every way, shape or form. Without that comforting presence in the Force, his death had been difficult to accept.
If he was alive, he was being shielded. And my presence in the Force would alert whoever was shielding him. He would be gone before my investigation had even begun--assuming he was still here. It had been a year, if Dara was to be believed.
The ship's comm system flared to life and Ka'ar informed me we were about to land. I went to collect my apprentice, not surprised when I found him with both our bags packed and ready to go. He was excited about seeing his mother again.
If I was lucky, he would be so wrapped up in his excitement he wouldn't notice my preoccupation or miss me while I searched on Taleux. Or notice my sudden heart attack if I actually found Qui-Gon.
***
I stayed at Shmi Skywalker's house that night, biding my time in order to raise as few questions as possible when I went off-world. The following morning I told Anakin I wanted to do some exploring while he spent time alone with his mother. He spared me enough attention to say, "Goodbye, Master," before turning back to his mother to continue the list of things he'd learned since leaving.
Getting transport off Tatooine was easy. Getting information once I arrived on Taleux was not. It took three days of hours of careful questioning, followed by a return Tatooine each night, before I began to think it might be a futile effort.
It was on the fourth day that I realized I might be wrong.
It was a small lead, really. My description of Qui-Gon sounded familiar to a shopkeeper in Sono, a moderately sized city on the far side of Taleux. Of course, as unique as my Master was to me, he's not the only person who would fit the description I gave. Still, there was something in the Force, something vaguely familiar.
Something that could be called wishful thinking.
The shopkeeper had little information--he thought he'd seen someone who might fit the description, but it had been a while. He directed me to a bar at the end of the street where a Malastarean sat nursing something I was pretty sure wasn't a good breakfast.
I moved down the bar to stand next to him. "Excuse me."
"Get lost."
So much for the polite approach. "I was told you might have some information I would be interested in." This time I used a bit of the Force to yank some manners out of the hidden recesses of his brain.
"Information? The library's in Yoto."
I fought the irritation that threatened to rise. Calm and logic were needed to solve this puzzle. "I'm looking for someone."
"What am I? No one?"
I ignored the comment and gave him a description of Qui-Gon, bringing more of the Force to bear on his mind. I wasn't sure the Council would approve, but then if they were hiding Qui-Gon here, they wouldn't approve of any of this. And if they were hiding him from me, I didn't much care if they approved. After a moment, the Malastarean gave me a location where I might find someone who could possibly fit the description. A vague lead at best.
But it was better than nothing, so I followed it. I ended up in a section of town consisting mostly of rental rooms. Each building looked much like the one next to it, and there were more buildings than I could search in the time I had left. I walked along, hoping for some kind of break, something that would end this search.
Suddenly, the odd feeling I'd had since arriving in Sono intensified. I looked at the building to my left. Nothing different in the appearance, and yet there was something different in the way it felt.
I found I had trouble swallowing as I opened the door and stepped inside. I'd expected my search to be a dead end. I'd counted on it. I hadn't counted on any kind of results. At least not consciously.
One day the Jedi really need to find a way to control the subconscious. As it was, I wasn't sure if it was my own secret wishes, or something in the Force that propelled me up a set of stairs and down a long hallway. I was almost to the end of the hall when I stopped right in front of one of the doors.
I raised my hand to knock, then changed my mind and pushed the door open. It was a small room, sparsely furnished with just a bed, a table and a chair. I noticed all this in the split second it took me to realize my eyes were not playing tricks on me.
The figure staring out the far window turned to face me, and I found myself unable to speak. He smiled faintly, as if he understood exactly what I was going through. Not that I think he ever could. Finally he took mercy on me and spoke. "Hello, Padawan."
The voice hit me like a physical object, forced me to realize that either cloning had become a reality, or this was Qui-Gon Jinn. Then the shields that must have been surrounding him released, and I felt his presence in my mind.
The sudden absence of that presence had haunted me for over a year. Its return rocked me to the core. I tried to say something, anything, but my senses were overwhelmed, and before I could manage a word I fainted.
***
When I awoke, I had a strange desire not to open my eyes. At first I couldn't figure out why, then everything came rushing back to me. I had to have been hallucinating, that was the only explanation. The search had taken its toll on me, and I'd lost my mind.
"I know you're awake."
That voice. Sith. I'd carefully avoided it, but now I had no choice but to recognize his presence in my mind. I opened my eyes to see him standing by the window. I was lying on the bed. I knew he had moved to catch me when I fainted, and placed me on the bed, but he'd gone back to the same spot he'd been in when I arrived.
I stared, but I couldn't think of a single thing to say. What is one supposed to say to a ghost who was made of flesh and blood? And he was definitely flesh and blood. I'd felt his hands close around my arms, felt his warmth as I fell against him before I lost consciousness. "You're looking well." It wasn't until the words were out that I realized I had said them.
"For a dead man?" he responded with a half-smile.
"You think this is funny?" I sat up, all the anger that I shouldn't be feeling coming to the surface. "You die right in front of me, despite my every effort to keep you alive, and then disappear for a year only to turn up not really dead, and you want to make jokes?"
He shrugged. "I thought it might help. I knew this wouldn't be easy."
"Oh, you think it isn't easy? I thought you were *dead*! Do you have any idea what that did to me? I bet you knew I was fine all along, right?"
Neither of us had moved so far, but now Qui-Gon walked over to the bed. "I'm sorry. I don't know what to say."
His hand stretched out to touch me, but I jumped up and out of his reach. "How about an explanation, for a start?"
He let out one of his faint half-laughs, and I was torn between a shiver of desire and a wave of rage. Here was the man I'd been mourning for a year, alive and well. I could barely wrap my mind around the fact that I'd been feeling like half my soul was gone, and all along he'd been here.
And now he was laughing about it.
Apparently he could sense my rising anger. "I'm sorry," he said again. "It's just...there is no easy explanation."
"So start somewhere and take it from there."
He nodded as he rose and moved back to the window. I stayed far enough away that I could pay attention without the distraction of close physical proximity. "As you might have guessed, your attempts at healing me were more successful than you were led to believe."
"Led to believe? So I was intentionally misled from the start?"
"I awoke in a med bay, barely alive. They managed to tell me you'd saved me before I passed out. When I woke again, I realized I couldn't feel the Force. The room I was in was shielded. I also couldn't get up--in fact, I could barely move at all. Later, Council members came to visit. They...we decided it was best if everyone think I was dead."
"Everyone? Including me. How kind." The words felt as if they had been wrenched out of my guts. Despite all my training I couldn't temper the rage inside me. "So you've been hiding from me for a year?"
"I've been hiding from everyone."
"Not from the Council. They knew you were alive."
"Some of them, yes. But--"
"But you didn't care if I thought you were dead? If part of me died because of it? No, not as long as the Council had their way." I couldn't stand there and listen to any more of this. I had to get out.
I was half way to the door before his hand on my arm stopped me. "Obi-Wan, wait."
I glared down at his arm, then at his face. "Let me go." He dropped his hand as if he'd been burned. "I came here to rid myself of a ghost. But instead I found out the ghost was just a phantom of my own creation." I shrugged, refusing to let my hurt show through the contempt I felt. "Either way, at least I'm free. You no longer have any hold over me." I hardened myself against the shock and pain that registered on his face a split second before I turned and walked out without looking back.
***
That brief view of pain haunted me the rest of the night. It was joined by memories of the man I'd shared half my life with. I knew him, inside and out. He wasn't callous, he wasn't cruel, and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that he loved me. So why would he do this?
*Maybe if you'd stayed, you'd have found out.* Inner voices really needed an off switch. Still, it was true. I hadn't given him a chance to explain. I couldn't imagine what explanation could possibly make up for what he'd done, but then I couldn't imagine every conceivable possibility either. And it wouldn't be the first time I'd disagreed with his method of dealing with something.
But then his methods had never hurt me this badly. Not even when he tried to dump me in front of the entire Council and take Anakin as his apprentice. He thought I was old enough and close enough to being a Knight that I could take the whole thing in stride. And I did, at least outwardly. My objections to Anakin's training were more to do with my faith in the Council and my own feelings of impending disaster than any real jealousy. I knew Anakin couldn't come between what Qui-Gon and I shared outside of the normal master/apprentice bond.
If he thought I was going to calmly accept what he'd done and go on as if he hadn't ripped me to shreds by his actions this time, he was wrong. Did he expect me to just forget about this all together? Or did he expect me to play along? I didn't know if I could do either, no matter what his reasons might have been.
I didn't know his reasons. I didn't know his expectations. And I wouldn't know either until I talked to him. No, until I listened to him.
I was going to have to go back.
I kept myself shielded from Anakin as much as I could that night. I could tell he suspected something was going on at this point, but I doubted seriously that he would figure it out. The next morning I acted as if I was taking another day to explore. And headed back to Sono.
***
I found the room again without difficulty. Half of me expected him to have disappeared. The other half knew he'd never have been found if he'd planned to disappear after. I'd had time to calm down a little--enough to be objective about my search, if not about the results. I knew he must have let me find him. What I didn't know was why.
I pushed the door open without knocking. He was lying on the bed, eyes closed, but they opened as soon as the door click shut behind me. He didn't speak; he just waited, watching.
"Why?" I asked finally.
"Why what?" he asked as he sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed to rest on the floor
"Pick one. " He continued to watch silently until I decided for him. "Fine. Why did you deceive me?" No sense in starting with an easy one.
He took a deep breath. "The Sith had to believe I was dead."
"Do you think I'm the Sith?" The expression on his face was enough to tell me he didn't. "Then you haven't answered my question. Why did you deceive me?"
"No one could know about my survival."
"No one? The Council knew. The Healers knew. You trusted an apprentice healer before you trusted me. *Me!*"
"You're not going to accomplish anything by getting angry, Padawan."
"*Don't* call me that!"
He blinked at the anger in my voice, the only outward sign he even cared how I felt. "You may be a Knight, but you will always be my Padawan."
"Masters don't lie to their Padawans."
One eyebrow arched up. "So Anakin is fully aware of where you are and what you're doing?"
"This is different."
"Really?"
"He doesn't think I'm dead."
"So Masters only tell small lies to their students?"
"Knowing about this would only endanger him." And increase Qui-Gon's chances of being discovered, but I wasn't about to admit that I gave a damn and give him that much ammunition. I knew what he was doing, trying to get me to make his argument for him. It wasn't going to work.
"As it endangers you. I don't wish for you to be in danger, Obi-Wan."
So it's fine for me to be miserable and grieving, as long as I'm not in danger from his secret? Never mind the danger that every Jedi encounters in the field. Never mind that I'm more than capable of keeping his existence hidden. "I don't care about danger. I never have. What I care--*cared* about was you. And now I find out that was all a lie?"
"It was not a lie."
I longed to rip away that calm Jedi Master exterior and see if there really were any feelings beneath the surface. Once I'd thought I knew the answer. Now I wasn't sure. "If it had been real you wouldn't have been able to allow me to believe you were dead."
"If I thought it would keep you safe I would."
"How can you sit there and act like we're at some diplomatic reception? Unless I'm right and you really don't care what happens here."
"Just because I'm trying to be rational doesn't mean I don't have feelings."
"Are you sure, Qui-Gon? Because from here it looks like you don't have enough emotion to fit in your little finger."
He jumped up so fast that I moved back instinctively, my hand reaching for my 'saber. "Would you prefer I launch into raging diatribes on how unfair it was that we were ripped apart by such petty things as a dark Force that threatens the entire galaxy?" he asked as he advanced on me. "Or shall I describe the sick feeling in my stomach every week when I received reports from Mace that included another mention of how well you weren't coping with my death. I knew they wouldn't give me the full picture lest I do something rash, and yet their descriptions of your grief were still heartbreaking."
I backed away until I met the door; two steps later he had me trapped against it. "You had it within your power to end it all. Yet you did nothing."
"Nothing was within my power. All I could do was stay where I was, heal and hide."
I refused to back down, even though his face was inches from mine. "You seem to be in complete control of yourself. There are no bars on the windows. The door is unlocked. What's keeping you here?"
"I could not contact you."
He kept saying that, or variations of it. I knew I was missing something in the words, but I was too angry to think clearly. "Well whoever is hiding you here is losing their touch then. I found you; what makes you think others can't?"
"I don't want *them* to find me."
Oh, but he wanted me to find him. Not only was I supposed to forgive him for letting me think he was dead, apparently I was supposed to do all the work to find out he was alive and then thank him for the chance? "If you'd known how it would make me feel, you wouldn't have wanted me to find you either."
He responded with a kiss. Not the light, testing kind either. The deep kind that you could get lost in--and I wanted to. It would have been so easy. My body responded instantly to the familiar feeling it had been denied for far too long. As I pressed closer to him, I wanted to give in and take everything I'd mourned for the last year. Everything I'd thought I'd never have again, while he was sitting here, knowingly denying me.
I surprised him with a sudden push of the Force, knocking him back far enough for me to pull the door open. "I have duty to attend to. You should understand that without any problems," I said as I turned to leave, proud that my voice didn't shake.
"Obi-Wan, wait--"
"Why should I? You may have some invisible chain that's holding you here, but I don't. In fact, nothing here has any hold on me at all. Not anymore." I left quickly, ignoring him as he called after me. He didn't bother far enough to come after me. I guess his act didn't extend to physically exerting himself.
No matter. It was done. It was time to close the door on that chapter of my life and move on.
***
Anakin was waiting at the door when I arrived back at Shmi Skywalker's house. "Master! Master Yoda wants to talk to you."
I took a deep breath and composed myself as I walked into the house. "He called on the comlink?"
"A few minutes ago," Anakin confirmed with a nod. "Said to tell you to call him in his quarters at the Temple when you got back."
"Very well. I'll call him from outside." I nodded at Shmi as I walked past the kitchen and through to the balcony, where I sat down on the wall and activated the comlink.
Moments later, Yoda's voice crackled through the speaker. "Busy boy you've been."
"Excuse me?" I knew better than to try to evade him, but I wasn't admitting to anything until I knew what he was accusing me of.
"Know where you've been, I do. Fool me you cannot."
Sith. He knew. "I was not trying to, Master."
"Forget what you have seen, you must. Much depends on this."
"Believe me, Master, I intend to try very hard to forget."
"Do not try. Do."
I sighed. I knew what he meant. I had to shield my thoughts tightly. If one trace of my knowledge of Qui-Gon's survival were read by the wrong being.... "Very well. I will forget."
"No thoughts of it can you have, or all may be lost."
May. But not will. I may have been mad at Qui-Gon, but that didn't mean I wanted him dead. Of course I didn't--I'd spent the last year wanting him alive again. Although now that I'd gotten my wish...
"Obi-Wan. Your understanding I must have."
"Yes, Master Yoda. I understand. My thoughts are my own and no one would gain anything from reading them."
"Good. Watch your Padawan you must."
"Yes, Master."
"See you when you return, I will. Immediately."
"Yes, Master." I shut off the comlink and stared out at the setting suns. Not only did I have a problem, now I couldn't even think about it. Or at least I shouldn't. As hard as I tried, the memory of that kiss wouldn't leave my tightly shielded thoughts.
It didn't matter. I had to forget. At least now I had a reason to keep me from going back to Sono, assuming I weakened. I couldn't go back, even if I wanted to, which I didn't.
Going back would be madness. And it was out of the question.
***
It took me thirty-six hours to throw caution--and implied orders--to the wind. Master Yoda hadn't actually told me I couldn't go back. He'd only told me to forget. Which might have implied going back, but he wasn't explicit about it. In the future he would have to be more direct. Assuming I had a future after this.
It was dangerous to go back--more so for Qui-Gon than for me. But I had to go. Too many things didn't make sense. Like the fact that he didn't come after me when I left the last time. He had been trying so hard to convince me to stay and listen, but he couldn't be bothered to follow me out the door? That seemed rather strange. Almost as strange as my finding him in the first place.
The door was unlocked, so once again I walked in without knocking. He was standing next to the window again, a half-smile on his face as he stared at the empty sky.
"You really should lock your door, you know. Anyone could walk right in."
"It *was* locked."
"But I--oh." He had unlocked it when he sensed me. I closed the door behind me and stood there for a moment, not sure what to say. There were so many questions, and I wasn't even sure I wanted answers to some of them. "You didn't follow me," I blurted out finally. Not really the issue I would have chosen if I'd been thinking clearly.
He turned to look at me, the smile still in place. "I know where Anakin's mother lives."
"You obviously didn't want me to leave, yet you didn't try to stop me once I walked out the door."
"I did call after you."
"But you didn't come after me." He continued to look at me, silent and still as a statue. "You can't, can you? You can't leave the room."
"Of course I can. I can walk. There are no bars on the doors."
"But it's shielded somehow, isn't it?" His smile grew, and I knew I'd figured it out. "Why didn't you just tell me?"
Qui-Gon shook his head. "Just as I couldn't tell you I was alive, there are a great many other things I must keep to myself."
"But it's fine if I figure them out on my own?" Great. I came here for answers and I get a guessing game. "It's not as if you've been a strict follower of the rules, Ma--Qui-Gon." It would be so easy to slip back into a comfortable existence around him. But I couldn't. Too much had happened. I would not forget that easily. And I would *not* call him Master.
"My life has never depended so heavily on it."
"That explains why you don't leave. But not why you can't tell me the rest."
"The less you know, the better, according to the Council."
Now I started to understand. "They don't trust me."
"They think you may be ruled by things other than logic."
"They've watched me over the last year. They know I've done well with the most powerful student we've had in ages, and they don't trust my ability to shield my thoughts?"
"Against a Sith?"
"I *killed* a Sith! I think I'm a match for them."
He nodded. "Exactly."
I took a deep breath. My overconfidence could well be my undoing, especially when it came to the Sith. Perhaps the Council was right. "But you're helping me find the answers."
"The Council is wise. However," he added, his voice lowering, "they don't know you as well as I do."
I managed to fight the shiver that threatened to crawl up my spine at his tone. Images from the past floated through my mind, clear and vivid, along with accompanying sounds and tastes. He did indeed know me well. Every inch of me.
I shook my head and forced those thoughts away. No use thinking about what could no longer be. Not without trust.
"I trust you," he said quietly.
My head shot up, eyes wide, mouth ready to blast him for reading my thoughts, until I realized he was simply continuing his line of reasoning. "And you hope that by trusting me with this you'll earn back my trust as well?"
"If that happens, it will be a benefit. One that would make me happy, true, but still not my main reason. I trust you because I know I can."
I wanted to say that I would never trust him again, but I knew better than to try to even tell myself that. Only time would tell if the trust could be rebuilt. At this point I still wasn't sure if I wanted it to be. "I should go before anyone...well, I'm quite sure I'm not supposed to be here."
"Probably not," he replied with a nod. "Will you come again?"
"I...I don't know." I left quickly before I could think of another reason to stay.
***
To Part Two
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