Copyright: April 2002 By Robin R. Neher

THIS STORY IS WRITTEN FOR PLEASURE AND IS NOT INTENDED TO INFRINGE ON ANY PREEXISTING COPYRIGHTS THAT MAY BE VIOLATED. FEEL FREE TO SHARE WITH FRIENDS, BUT NOT FOR PROFIT. THIS STORY IS FICTIONAL, A WORK OF THE WRITER'S IMAGINATION. THE CHARACTERS AND INCIDENTS
USED IN THIS STORY ARE PURELY FICTIONAL AND ARE NOT BASED ON ANY PERSON AND/OR PERSON'S ACTUAL EXPERIENCES.

Title: Starting Again

Author: Robin R. Neher

E-mail: NRobin1027@aol.com

Rating:NC-17

Pairing: Roy/Dixie

Archive: Yes

Fandom: Emergency!

Summary: When Roy and Joanne split for good, Roy must face life alone. Will he find new hope in a friend?

Content Warning: Harsh language. Graphic M/F sex.

Starting Again
by Robin R. Neher

"Get out and stay out, you worthless bum!" Joanne DeSoto was heard to yell at her husband, Roy, a firefighter/Paramedic with the LA County fire department. "I don't love you anymore!"

Roy flinched as the door slammed in his face. He knew then and there that all he'd ever loved was gone. Roy DeSoto got the message loud and clear. So, picking up his bags, he walked to his truck, got in and drove away from all he loved.

Things had been bad between Roy and Jo for the past year. Between the constant fighting over money and Jo's demands on his time, Roy felt pushed to the limit. As much as it hurt to leave his wife and kids, Roy knew that to leave would be best for all involved.

Tears blinded Roy as he drove aimlessly through LA. He'd never felt more lost or alone then he did at that moment. For the first time in his thirty years, Roy was living alone. He'd no longer have anyone waiting when he came home from the station or anyone to hold at night.

For the first time in his life, Roy DeSoto knew what true loneliness was. Somehow, Roy was gonna have to make it on his own, wheather he wanted to or not, for his marriage was on it's last legs.

He spent the rest of the morning and afternoon driving. As the sun sat later that evening, Roy drove looking at all the no vacancy signs outside the motels. Somehow, Roy soon found himself outside the townhouse where Dixie McCall, Rampart hospital's ER head nurse. Why he was there, Roy didn't know.

Dixie, much to Roy's suprise, came outside after seeing his truck pull in. She could tell by the look on his face that what she had long dreaded had happened.

"You okay?" Dix asked, quietly.

Roy shook his head.

"I'm all alone now, Dix. There's nothing left for me." Roy stated. "I might as will kill myself."

"Roy James DeSoto, don't you dare talk that way!" Dix warned.

"How can I not?" Roy asked of her. "Everything I ever cared about is slipping away from me. My wife and kids were the world to me. They were all I had. How do I live without them? How can I pretend that I don't love Joanne?"

Dix put a comforting arm around Roy as she led him inside her home. She knew that the road ahead for him would be long and rough and that he'd need all the love and support he could get. Once Roy was settled on her couch, he began to talk openly.

"She's right, I'm a bum. I'm a worthless bum." Roy stated, sadly. "I'm a nothing."

"Roy, is that what Jo said?" Dix asked.

Roy nodded.

"I tried, Dix! Honest to God, I tried! I did the best I could to be a good husband and father!" Roy yelled. "The more I gave, the more Joanne wanted! Nothing I did was ever good enough!"

"Roy, what do you think she wanted?" Dix asked. "What would it take to make her happy?"

"She only would've been happy with me if I'd taken a job in her dad's firm." Roy answered. "That's not me, Dix!"

"I know." Dix nodded. "I can't see you in a three piece suit, carrying a briefcase."

"My happiness didn't seem to matter to her." Roy said. "Everything was about her! Dix, she had champagne tastes, but all I could give her was a beer budget! No matter how many times I tried to tell her that, she'd come home with things that were way beyond what I could afford! Our credit cards were maxed, we were in debt up to our ears, I thought I was gonna have to file for
bankruptcy!"

"Sounds like a real mess." Dix sympathized. "Sounds like you had a spoiled brat for a wife."

"Spoiled is right!" Roy agreed. "Her dad is a bank executive with money coming out his ass! He even has gold toilet seats in his house, which the bum, me, was never allowed to use!"

"So, her parents didn't like you either." Dix guessed.

"Who could blame them?" Roy sighed. "I'm sure they had expected more from Joanne than to marry a quote, common fireman. Even when we were kids, I was trailer trash to them."

"So what? You don't need them or Jo!" Dixie told him. "Let them have their money and fancy things, for you have one thing they never will!"

"What's that?" Roy asked.

"Dignity and self respect!" Dix answered. "You can be proud of the fact that you can support yourself doing something you love and makes you happy! Joanne or her stuffy parents can't say that! Roy, you are not a bum! A bum is a person who sits on their ass and collects welfare and food stamps instead of going to work or lives of daddy's money!"

"So?" Roy prompted.

"Dammit, Man, take some pride in yourself!" Dix replied. "Show Joanne you can live without her! Show her and others like her that you can be happy without them!"

"You're right, Dix!" Roy decided. "There is life out there and I'm gonna live it!"

****

Those words were so easy to say, but as Roy was slowly finding out, moving on alone was hard to do. As a month turned into six, Roy saw his and Joanne's divorce become final. Johnny was even getting a harder lesson in why he should not meddle in Roy's personal life.

It was a lesson he learned through two cracked ribs, caused by a kick from Roy when Johnny had tried to sat him up on a blind date just after the divorce was finalized.

"You try to help and get your ribs busted!" Johnny was griping to Kel Brackett as they drank beer at Johnny's apartment two days after said incident. "I thought I was his best friend!"

"Johnny, you are, but the last thing Roy needed was for you to say I understand." Kel replied. "You don't understand."

"I've been dumped." Johnny offered.

"This is more than dumped in case you haven't noticed." Kel countered. "This is a man who's eleven year marriage is history. He's been told that the woman he's loved most of his life doesn't want him in her life anymore. That's far removed from Johnny Gage's latest flame saying, I just wanna be friends."

"You don't think I know that?" Johnny asked. "Roy acted like I told him Joanne and I were having an affair!"

"Johnny, Roy has to adjust to a life that you're used to living on a daily basis. He's used to a wife cooking and cleaning for him. He's used to his kids running to him when he comes home. He's used to having Joanne to tell about his shift. The thing that's gonna be hardest for Roy is adjusting to sleeping alone."

"I never thought of that." Johnny admitted. "I just wanted to see him smile again."

"Roy's a confused and hurt man right now. The one big obstacle he will face is learning how to date someone else. He has never been single til now, nor has he dated." Kel remarked. "Also, I don't think he'd be interested in the type of women you date."

"What do you mean?" Johnny asked.

"John, let's face it, most of your dates are dogs!" Kel laughed. "Real bimbos! Roy needs somebody sophisticated, but not snotty. Intelligent, but not brainy. Ladylike, but not a debutante."

"Know anyone like that?" Johnny asked.

"Yeah, and you know her too." The dark haired doc replied. "One Dixie May McCall."

"Dix?! You're outta your mind!" John laughed.

"Why not?" Kel asked. "He and Dixie would be great together."

"He has been spending alot of time at her house since he and Jo split." John noted. "I guess that's a good thing."

"I see what's going on now." Kel realized. "You're hurt that Roy's turning to Dix for support instead of you. Try to understand, Dix is closer to his age and stage of life than you are. They're both reaching middle age."

"But I wanna help him too, Doc." Johnny said.

*****

Meanwhile, at his apartment not far from 51's, Roy and Dixie were again talking.

"I didn't mean to hurt Johnny." Roy was telling the head nurse.

"Then why did you kick him?" Dix wanted to know.

"Dix, compared to me, Johnny's just a boy. To add to that, the girls he dates are that far from being hookers."

"Roy, that's not fair." Dix admonished him. "Some of those girls are my nurses. Johnny doesn't have the life experience you do, but he's a man, just like you "

"He was saying, I know what you're going through. How the hell does he know? He's never loved anyone in his life. I'll bet he's still a virgin." Roy said.

****

Back at Johnny's, Johnny was confessing to Kel.

"Doc, as hard as this is to admit, I think I may be a homewrecker. Jo and Roy were having lots of problems." Johnny began. "One night, Roy stormed out after a nasty fight."

"Go on." Kel prompted.

"Joanne called me to come over. She was really upset." Johnny remembered. "I held her as any good friend would do. The next thing I know, her lips were on mine."

"She kissed you." Kel understood.

"Doc, I kissed her back! I couldn't help it!" Johnny sobbed. "I know it was the wrong thing to do, but it just happened! The door busts open and there's Roy, his eyes so full of hurt!"

"Johnny, I can't stay you did nothing wrong, but Joanne was the instigator, not you. She took advantage of you." Kel soothed. "What happened next?"

"Roy just left." John sniffed. "I ruined my best friend's marriage!"

"Johnny, I need to ask you something. You say Roy and Joanne were having problems. How do you know?" Kel inquired.

"Doc, over the past few months, she treated him as if he were a cockroach on the floor. She'd put him down right in front of me and the guys when we were over there for dinner!" Johnny answered. "It was little, petty remarks like, I wish you and I never got married."

"That doesn't sound like a petty remark." Kel noticed. "How did Roy react to that?"

"You should've seen the look in his eyes. He didn't speak, but those eyes sure did." Johnny winced. "Later, as we were having wine, Roy asked Jo to make love to him later. She told him she had to get a few drinks in her first to make him appear a ten instead of a one."

"Ouch!" Kel winced. "If someone said that about me, I feel as if that person stabbed me in the heart! Poor Roy."

"Poor me!" Johnny corrected. "That may be the reason Roy kicked me. I'll bet he's jealous of me. Jo said she wanted a man like me right in front of the poor lug!"

"Sounds as if Roy has every reason to be jealous." Brackett agreed. "What do you intend to do about it?"

"I'm not sure I should do anything at all." John mused. "He already cracked two of my ribs, if he lays eyes on me, I could wind up in a morgue!"

"Don't you think you're getting a little carried away?" Kel laughed.

"Would you if you were me?" The young man asked the ER head. "I'll just bet Roy sees me as the murdered of his wedded bliss. Another round, Doc?"

"I'll get it." Kel grinned, getting up from Johnny's chair. "I can sure sympathize with Roy about that chair. You say it converts into a bed?"

"Yep." Johnny grinned.

***

A couple weeks later, Johnny was back on duty at 51's. He arrived for work early so he could avoid Roy. Changing quickly, Johnny closed his locker, then grabbed a cup of coffee from the kitchen. He then headed straight to the apparatus bay to check the squad's equipment.

"Morning, John." Captain Stanley greeted, startling the young Paramedic. "Did I scare you?"

"Yeah, but don't worry about it." Johnny smiled that crooked smile.

"Have you seen Roy?" Hank asked.

"Not since I got hurt, Cap." Johnny shook his head. "I'm not looking forward to seeing him."

"Can't blame you there, Pal." Cap replied. "I heard he caught you with Joanne a few months back."

"Cap, it isn't what you think!" John rose to his own defense. "She kissed me!"

"It's okay, John. I understand." Roy spoke up as he arrived at the station. "I can see why Joanne wants you. You're young, active and strikingly handsome. Me, I'm just a fat, old and ugly failure."

"I'm glad you understand, Roy." Joanne said, having just arrived for a visit. "Because I fell in love with Johnny from the moment we met. Johnny, I want you to stop dating all those other girls and be mine alone."

"Jo, can I ask you one thing?" Roy requested. "How did I fail you? What did I do wrong?"

"Roy, let's face facts, huh?" Jo replied. "Johnny is ten times the man you are. He's not afraid of success or trying new things. You will never be anything but a fireman. Johnny will be your Captain someday. Johnny has the potential to be Chief Engineer someday. You'll retire on a fireman's pension."

"Pally, when she's right, she's right." Johnny agreed.

Roy hung his head, knowing that Joanne was right as was Johnny.

"I'm not saying you're a bad person, it's just that you're thirty and acting like you're sixty." Joanne stated. "You've become a young old man. You're happy as long as you have your recliner and the TV Guide, not to mention beer. If it had been just the two of us, that would've been okay, but there are two kids that deserve a father who isn't so damn serious all the time! That's you, Roy, Mr. Responsible. Why can't you have a little fun and enjoy life like Johnny here?"

"Jo, you can't very well live like that when your kids rely on you to keep a roof over their heads." Roy answered. "Johnny can afford to live like that cause he has no ties, no responsibilities."

"At least he's making sure that our kids will have a college education." Joanne revealed.

"What?" Roy gasped.

"Remember that trust fund my uncle left me when he died?" Johnny asked. "I put that aside for Chris and Elizabeth for their future. When they're eighteen, they can use it for college or whatever they want. I just wanna be sure that that they'll have the opportunities you and I never did."

Both Johnny and Jo awaited Roy's reaction.

"Know what?" Roy whispered, after a few minutes. "I did my damnedest to provide for you and those kids! I'm not a millionaire and I don't delude myself with illusions of success! I live in cold, hard reality! I was eighteen years old when Joanne and I were married, Johnny! Joanne was pregnant! I had to grow up and get serious! I didn't have the chance to live in perpetual childhood the way you do!"

"I never said that I was totally irresponsible, but at least I take the time to stop and smell the roses!" Johnny defended himself.

*****

The next day, after getting off duty, Roy left the station and drove to a secluded spot two hours out of Los Angeles. While trying to keep a brave face at the station, inside, Roy DeSoto was coming apart.

Reaching around, Roy retrieved a rifle from the back seat of his truck. As he caressed the gun, Roy was thinking how much better it would be for everyone if he were dead. On a Kleenex, Roy began to write a suicide note.

To whom it may concern:

I have decided to take my own life. I can't live without my wife and kids.

Roy's writings were interrupted by Dixie, knocking on his window. Roy rolled his window down.

"Give me the gun, Roy." Dix requested. "The Roy DeSoto I know would not end it this way."

"How'd you know I was here?" Roy asked.

"First, the gun." Dix insisted.

Roy handed over the rifle. Dix unloaded it, then tossed it in a nearby lake. She then opened the driver's door of Roy's truck and helped him out.

"Roy, look at me!" Dix commanded. "Okay, so Joanne wants Johnny, so what?! She thinks he's more of a man than you, so?"

"I feel so worthless now." Roy said, quietly. "It's as if all I did for her and the kids means nothing! She told me I'd never be anything but a fireman!"

"Yes you will! You have as much potential as Johnny! You've shown leadership abilities as far back as the inception of the Paramedics! Have you forgotten that you're the one who fought for a Paramedic program at Rampart? Would Johnny Gage have done that?!" Dix asked.

"I don't know! Maybe!" Roy yelled.

"I wouldn't bet my life on it!" Dix snorted. "Johnny's a quitter. He'd walk away the minute things got tough, but not you. Roy, you hang in there when everyone else throws in the towel. Hang in there now. Show Joanne that you'll survive without her!"

Roy paced as he thought over what Dix was saying.

"Why the hell do you give a damn about me?" Roy asked after a minute.

"Because, I'm in love with you." Dix revealed. "Didn't you wonder why I broke it off with Kel? It was because I wanted you. Even though you were married then, my heart was with you. I saw the way Joanne treated you, even then."

"Too bad I didn't see it myself." Roy replied, sadly. "I used to be so in love with Jo. At least, I thought I was."

"What about now?" Dix asked.

"Now that I've been divorced for six months, I realize I wasn't really in love with Jo." Roy realized.

"I can understand her not loving me, but what the hell can Johnny offer her or any woman?" Roy wondered.

"Roy, Johnny can offer her no more than you could. I don't know why she thinks he's so damn wonderful." Dix replied. "Sure, John's more expressive than you are, but how is he with kids?"

"He'll bolt the minute they start in on him. Daddy, Chris hit me! Daddy, look! Daddy, watch!" Roy sneered. "Johnny won't last one day with those monsters!"

"Roy, what a terrible thing to say about your kids!" Dix admonished him.

"Dix, Joanne spoils them beyond belief!" Roy told her. "Remember what Eddie was like?"

Dix nodded.

"Well, between her and her parents, my kids are ten times worse than he ever was." Roy shuddered. "Every no I said got me in deep shit with Joanne! It was even worse if I spanked them! I'm the kid's father, yet everything I try to instill is wrong to Jo and her family!"

"Roy, it's hard in a situation like that, I know. My mother and grandma were the same way with me." Dix soothed. "All you can do is try to undo the damage when they're with you."

"I asked for no visitation." Roy revealed. "I thought it best that I don't fight Joanne on that. With my work schedule, it'd be hard to find time for them."

"I don't buy that. I think you just gave up on them." Dixie told him.

"Like I told Johnny, I live in reality." Roy stated. "I have no delusions or fantasies. I'll never win against Mom and Grandma. As for Johnny, if he thinks he can do better than I did with those kids, I wish him all the luck in the world. Same with him and Joanne."

"Do you believe in my love for you?" Dixie asked.

"I'm not sure. Jo said she loved me all the time." Roy quietly answered. "I'm not sure I can trust words like that again."

"What about actions?" Dix asked.

"What actions?" Roy wanted to know.

"These!" Dix hissed, then much to Roy's shock, she kissed him.

Five minutes later, the kiss broke and Roy sank to his knees. With the one kiss, all the pent up hurt and anger bubbled to the surface in the form of loud wailing sobs. Dixie joined Roy, holding him tight as he cried.

"It's okay, Roy. I have you. Just let all that pain out." Dix whispered. "Let it out."

END PART 7