Copyright: March 2000 By Robin R. Neher

THIS STORY IS WRITTEN FOR PLEASURE AND IS NOT INTENDED TO INFRINGE ON ANY PREEXISTING COPYRIGHTS THAT MAY BE VIOLATED.

FEEL FREE TO SHARE WITH FRIENDS, BUT NOT FOR PROFIT.

THIS STORY IS FICTIONAL, A WORK OF THE WRITER'S IMAGINATION. THE CHARACTERS AND INCIDENTS USED IN THIS STORY ARE PURELY FICTIONAL AND ARE NOT BASED ON ANY PERSON AND/OR PERSON'S ACTUAL EXPERIENCES.

Title: The Boy

Author: Robin R. Neher

Rating: R

Pairing: N/A

Archive: Yes

Summary: Set about ten years before the Emergency! pilot, The DeSotos take a troubled child into their home.

Content Warning: some harsh language

THE BOY

by Robin R. Neher

Roy DeSoto sat in the living room of his house listening to his children as they played in the other room. Today's the day, Roy thought. Roy, a firefighter, worked at station 110 as a member of their engine crew. He was taking the next few days off work because he and his wife, Joanne were taking in a foster child. The child was to be brought to their home within the hour. Joanne was getting the house ready for the boy's arrival.

"Roy, could you come help me for a minute?" Joanne called from the spare bedroom.

"Be right there, Hon." Roy replied, getting up from his chair.

Roy went to where his wife was and found her laying out a bunch of Chris's old clothes.

"Roy, could you please fold some of these?" Jo asked, shoving a pile toward Roy.

"Honey, this kid we're taking in probably won't need all this! He probably has clothes of his own." Roy protested, beginning to fold a shirt.

"Roy, please! We don't know what this kid has or doesn't have. We don't even know how old he is." Joanne replied. "All we know is that this kid has a history of trouble. Stealing, running away, lying."

"Jo, who says that we can help this kid? We have two kids of our own to think of too. Is this the kind of kid we want around them?" Roy asked.

"Roy, who else is going to take him? Nobody else wants him because he's half Native American half white. He's been shuttled from family to family all his life. We may be his last chance at having a real family." Joanne told her husband. "Please, Roy, give this kid a chance."

Just then, the doorbell rang.

"Get that, Roy. That's probably him now." Joanne said.

Roy sighed and went to get the door.

Opening the front door, Roy saw a dark haired boy with dark eyes. He was about fifteen years old, dressed in buckskin clothing and headdress. Standing alongside the kid was a caseworker from child welfare.

"Here he is," The caseworker said, handing Roy the boy's suitcase and a backpack with trinkets in it.

"Hi there, My name is Roy," Roy said, extending his hand to the teen. "What's your name?"

The young man just glared at Roy, unmoving.

"We couldn't get a name out of him either." The caseworker said. "He calls himself Open Heart."

"Okay," Roy replied, leading the boy inside. The caseworker turned to leave, patting the boy's head as she left. Roy closed the door, then turned his attention to the boy.

"Would you like to sit down?" Roy offered.

The boy just stood, watching Roy carefully.

"C'mon, Son, it's okay. Nobody's gonna hurt you." Roy whispered, reassuringly.

The boy just stood there. Roy came a little closer, the boy shrank back in fear.

Joanne entered the room at this time. Roy took her aside.

"Jo, I can't get a word out of him." Roy said. "He won't let me near him."

"Roy, he scared. He doesn't know us. Keep your distance for now." His wife advised. "Let him come to us on his own terms."

Roy and Joanne watched as the boy looked around his new home, smiling a crooked smile as he waked around. Finally, feeling safe, the boy approached his new foster parents.

"My name's Johnny." The teen said, softy.

"Johnny what?" Roy asked.

"Johnny Gage." The boy replied.

"Johnny, come on, Son. Sit down." Roy whispered.

"I prefer to stand." Johnny replied. "Look, I'll just make this short and sweet. I don't want to be here anymore then you want me here. I'd just prefer being on my own."

Before Roy or Joanne could react, Johnny grabbed his stuff, then headed out back into the woods.

"Johnny Gage, you come back here right now, young man!" Roy yelled.

The teenager just ignored him, however. Heading deeper into the woods in the back of the DeSoto's property.

Roy sighed, not knowing what to do.

If this were Chris or Jennifer, I'd go after them, but Johnny isn't my kid. Roy thought.

"Roy, go talk to Johnny." Joanne told him. "You should try to be his friend before trying to be his parent."

"Jo, if he wants to stay out there, then let him." Roy said. "There are two other kids that need us more then he does right now."

Roy then went back into the house. Joanne just shook her head. She then walked into the woods and found Johnny out in the pond bathing. She quietly approached the young man.

"Johnny, we need to talk." Joanne told the teenager. "In our house, we have rules. One of them is that you respect the adults. We don't just walk away without a reason."

"You should tell that to my tribe." Johnny spat. "I don't fit in anywhere! To most people, I'm just a half-breed! An unwanted half-breed! You have no idea what it's like for your own family to tell you should be dead because of your race! I can't go anywhere without someone calling me redskin! So, I'm sorry if I just don't run into your arms and call you Mom!"

Joanne was stunned, but listened as Johnny continued.

"You made it clear that I wasn't wanted when I came in the door! Don't say you didn't cause I saw the look on your husband's face when he saw me! To him, I'm just a breed!" Johnny finished.

"Johnny, that isn't true! You don't know my husband!" Joanne yelled, defensively.

"Oh, come off it, Lady!" Johnny yelled back. "I know how you whites look at me! I've dealt with that all my life! Please, just leave me alone! I don't need or want your help!"

"Johnny-" Jo protested.

"I said, leave!" Johnny growled.

Joanne got up and silently left, afraid of this young man.

*****************

The next two days went by for the DeSotos without a word from Johnny. They had hoped that young Johnny would come and play with Chris and Jen, but that had not happened. Johnny wouldn't even eat with the family, preferring to hunt in the woods for his meals then cook them over a fire. It seemed to the DeSotos that young Johnny did not want any contact with anyone. Roy and Joanne felt powerless over this boy and left him to his own devices.

"Roy, why won't Johnny interact with us? Are we doing something wrong?" Joanne asked one night, two weeks after Johnny's arrival.

"No, Honey, no." Roy replied. "I think that Johnny has no idea how to depend on anyone. I called the caseworker today. She told me a little about Johnny's background."

"What did she tell you?" Joanne asked.

"She said that Johnny had been abandoned by his mother when he was five years old. Nobody knows who his father is. After his mother left, Johnny lived with his grandfather for awhile, but Grandpa didn't want him either, so he was put in foster care. He has been kicked out of many homes because of his stealing and running away." Roy finished.

"That poor boy!" Joanne cried. "No wonder he hates people. They've all hurt him. What about his education?"

"The caseworker told me that he's had trouble there too. He's a whiz, but because he's bi-racial, He's been beat up by other kids. Because of that, he's stopped going." Roy replied.

"Roy, we've been approaching him all wrong. What if we approached him on his terms?" Joanne asked. "I don't mean give in totally to him, but approach him on his turf."

"How do you mean?" Roy asked.

"Roy, what if you camped in the woods for awhile with him? Let him teach you some of his skills? Roy, he might respond better to you if he knew you weren't out to hurt him. He may even open up to you because you're another man."

"I see. Let him approach me on his terms." Roy smiled. "I could take him fishing and get him to talk about his feelings."

"Exactly!" Joanne smiled.

***************

The next night, Roy pitched his tent not far away from Johnny's crude shelter. He would keep his distance and let John approach him when he was ready. As he watched the young man, he was amazed by the survival skills he had.

Someone must have taught him well. Roy thought, watching the boy tracking a snake, then killing it with a spear. Roy watched as Johnny took his prey over to the fire and hung it to be cooked. Johnny then saw Roy in the distance.

"Come join me." Johnny called. "Please."

Roy cautiously approached Johnny. As he approached the shelter, Johnny smiled at him.

"Sir, I will not hurt you." Johnny said. "Come join me for dinner."

"No thank you," Roy replied. "I ate before I came out."

"May I offer you something to drink? I have beer or soda." Johnny said.

"Where did you get beer?" Roy asked. "You're too young to drink."

"I have adults buy it for me." John replied. "I like the taste of it. Before you say anything, let me tell you that you're not my parent. You have no right to tell me what to do."

"Look, as long as you're living with us and you live in my house, I am the boss." Roy said firmly. "Johnny, you think you're okay on your own? I'm here to tell you you're not! You can't live like this all your life!"

"How do you know!?" Johnny yelled. "You don't know me!"

"No, I don't!" Roy yelled. "I do know that you have to think about your future. Johnny, you can't keep isolating yourself from people! You're going to need them sooner or later!"

"I need no one." Johnny replied. "I need nothing from anyone. All I need is me."

"You think so, do you?! You think you're a man? Let's see how much of a man you are!" Roy yelled, as he yanked Johnny to his feet. Johnny jerked free of Roy and before Roy could react, grabbed his bow and arrow.

"Stay away from me or I'll shoot you!" The teenager yelled.

Ignoring the warning, Roy knocked the weapon out of Johnny's hand. Johnny swung at Roy, hitting him in the stomach. Roy doubled over in pain and suprise. Johnny advanced on the doubled over Roy and kicked him, repeatedly.

"You're nothing, White man!" Johnny yelled. "My people could kick your ass in a second!"

Roy rolled over into the bushes to get his breath back. Once he did, Roy silently snuck up behind Johnny. He grabbed the boy before he could react and yanking his buckskin pants down, smacked him on his ass several times. Then throwing Johnny to the ground, Roy stepped on his chest so he couldn't get up.

"Now, you know what I will do if you disrespect me or my wife again!" Roy hissed. "You want to be treated like a man, act like one! A real man would not run away when afraid. He would not use racial slurs."

The boy looked at Roy, crying. Roy knelt down next to him.

"What are you so afraid of, Son?" Roy asked, as he held Johnny tightly.

"Son, what are you so afraid of?" Roy asked, again. "Why won't you trust anyone?"

"Would you if all you get is beaten up because of your race? Would you trust anyone that thinks of you as a half-breed?!" Johnny sobbed.

"I don't think of you that way." Roy told the teenager. "Neither does my wife. All we want is to love you and have you be a part of our family. I wish you'd give us at least half the chance."

"You have kids?" Johnny asked.

"Yeah, my son is about your age. He wants very much to meet you. My daughter is a bit younger." Roy replied. "Johnny, I know that we're not what your used to, but I insist that you have at least one meal with us everyday."

"I can do that." Johnny grinned.

Roy watched as Johnny went to his cooler and getting all the beer out, he opened them all and poured them onto the ground. Roy smiled at Johnny.

"I don't even know why I started drinking to begin with." Johnny said. "On the reservation, all the adults drink."

"All of them?" Roy asked.

Johnny nodded.

"My grandfather drank all the time. When he was drunk, he was mean." Johnny told Roy.

"Did he hit you, Johnny?" Roy asked,

Johnny turned his back to Roy and lifted his shirt. Roy was horrified by what he saw. The were scars all over Johnny's back. Roy went to his knees, sobbing, feeling bad about the spanking he gave Johnny.

"I'm so sorry, Son. I never meant to hurt you!" Roy sobbed.

"Sir, Roy, can I call you Roy?" Johnny asked.

"Yes." Roy answered.

"Roy, you had every right to spank me. I was being disrespectful, not only to you, but to your wife as well. You two were nice enough to take me in and how do I repay your kindness? By using racial slurs and being a brat!" Johnny told him. "In my tribe, this would have been punished by banishment from the tribe, for at least a month. I sincerely apologize for my behavior and will abide by the rules set in your house."

"I forgive you." Roy replied. "You can still sleep out here if you want, on one condition."

"Name it." Johnny said.

"That you enroll in school here and keep your grades up." Roy told him.

"I'm a good student, Always have been." Johnny told Roy. "I'm scared that I'll be beaten up again."

"I can protect you, Johnny." Roy said. "I'll see to it that no one touches you. We'll go in together and talk to the principal, Okay?"

*****************

The next morning, Johnny started his first day of school at west Los Angeles high school. The principal, after seeing Johnny's transcripts, placed him in the eleventh grade, allowing him to skip his sophomore year.

As Johnny left the office for his first period class, Roy turned to the principal.

"Mr. Bush, Johnny has been beaten up at school because of his race in the past. He's scared it will happen again here." Roy told the man across the desk from him.

"Mr. DeSoto, we have zero tolerance for racism and bullying. The trouble is that unless Johnny turns the person in or a teacher witnesses the behavior, there's not much I can do." Mr. Bush replied.

"I know. I just want Johnny to be able to learn without fear." Roy replied, softly. "Isn't every child entitled to that?"

"Yes, but we can't be everywhere all the time." Bush replied. "We can't put a police officer in every hallway. We can't baby-sit John all the time when he's here."

"I know. Here's my home and work number in case of emergency." Roy said, handing Mr. Bush a piece of paper. He then got up and shook hands with the principal.

"Don't worry Mr. DeSoto, Johnny will do just fine here." Bush smiled.

"I hope so." Roy answered. "Thank you for taking him this late in the semester."

"No problem." Bush replied as Roy left the office, then the building.

As he drove home, Roy had a bad feeling in his stomach. He was very worried for his foster son.

As the day wore on, Roy paced back and forth in his house.

"Roy, sit down." Joanne told him. "Johnny will be alright. I know it."

"Jo, I just wish I could protect him somehow." Roy replied. "I promised him he wouldn't get beaten up."

"Roy, you shouldn't have promised him anything. If he does get beaten up, he might think you broke your promise to him. Roy, we can't protect him all the time. Johnny knows that he won't necessarily be accepted by everyone all the time."

"I thought about hiring a tutor for him." Roy replied. "One that would teach him here at home."

"Roy, how fair would that be to Chris and Jennifer?" Joanne asked. "Not only that, John needs to socialize and the best for him to do that is school. Roy, everything will work out just fine. He'll make lots of friends and do just fine, you'll see."

*************

Back at the high school, Johnny had his lunch tray in his hands and was looking for an empty table to sit at. Just then a blond boy waved him over.

"Come sit with me." He invited.

Johnny made his way over and sat down next to the boy.

"You're new here, aren't you?" The boy asked.

"Yeah, My name's Johnny Gage. I just started today." Johnny replied.

"I'm Jefferson James Ford, but you can call me J. J." J. J. replied, I'm in your math class. I sit in the back."

"How are your grades? Are they good?" Johnny asked.

"No, I'm flunking everything! I won't pass Sophomore year if I don't get some help with my studies. My dad will kill me if I don't pass!"

"What are you having problems with?" Johnny asked.

"I don't know. I love football so much. It's all I'm good at. I wanna be in the NFL someday." J.J. replied. "I'm thinking of dropping out of school."

"J.J, you can't drop out!" Johnny exclaimed. "What about your future? What if the NFL doesn't work out? What are you going to do then?"

"I'm not worried cause it will." J.J. replied. "I can't cut it here."

"I think you're not really trying." Johnny replied. "You're not focusing on the right things. Football is fun, but your education is important too. You're nothing without it."

"I'll never pass!" J.J. exclaimed.

"You will if I tutor you." Johnny grinned. "I do have a few rules, However."

"Name them." J.J. smiled.

"First, there will be no cheating off anyone. If I find out you did cheat, I'll kick your ass, understood?" Johnny asked. "Believe me, I can do it, just ask Mr. DeSoto."

"I won't cheat. You have my word. My Dad would kill me if I cheated." J.J. replied.

"Second, you will forget about football this year. I need you focused on your school work." Johnny continued.

"I'm not eligible anyway because of my grades." J.J. replied. "Johnny, can you come home with me after school?"

"Well, I guess." Johnny replied. "If Roy and Joanne will let me."

The bell rang just then, signaling the time to return to class. Johnny and J.J. agreed to meet at three o, Clock.

"I can even get my Mom to make dinner for us." J.J. smiled as he headed off to class.

Wow! I think I just made a friend. Johnny smiled to himself as he too made his way to class.

By the time it was time to go home, Johnny had changed his mind about going home with J.J. After telling J. J. that he'd changed his mind, Johnny made his way to the DeSoto's. When he walked in the door, Joanne smiled at him and kissed his cheek.

"How was your day, Johnny?" Jo asked.

"Actually, it was great. I made a friend today." Johnny replied. "His name is Jefferson James Ford,, but everyone calls him J. J."

"I know him. He's a nice boy, Johnny." Joanne replied, smiling.

"He's having trouble in school though. I'm going to tutor him." Johnny replied.

"I think that's a wonderful idea, Johnny." Joanne smiled. "You're an excellent student. I think you could really help him. He's thinking of dropping out of school.

"I know he told me at lunch, that's where we met. He invited me to sit with him." Johnny grinned.

"How nice." Joanne grinned.

"He wanted me to come home with him for dinner. I was going to call and ask if I could go, but I changed my mind and decided to come home instead." Johnny told Jo.

"Why, Honey?" Joanne asked. "We would have let you go."

"In my tribe, we are thought that family is the most important thing. I guess I forgot that yesterday." Johnny replied. "Besides, I don't go home with people I really don't know. What would his parents think when they saw me?"

"Have you lost friends before because of your race?" Jo asked.

"Yeah, their parents would see me and tell me to stay away from their son." Johnny replied. "They would tell me that they didn't want their kid associating with a redskin."

Joanne's heart went out to this young man.

All he wants is to fit in. Jo thought.

"Johnny, not all people are like that." Jo told him. "Most people are very caring and are not racists."

"Why is it that I was an outcast on the reservation?" Johnny asked. "I'm part Indian, why did they hate me?"

"Honey, I wish I could answer that." Jo replied, gently. "I noticed that your middle initial is R. What does the R stand for?"

"Roderick," Johnny replied. "I was named after my Grandpa. His name was Roderick John Two Bears."

"Your mother's father?" Jo asked.

"Yes, I lived with him for awhile, but he didn't want me either!" Johnny said as he began to sob. "AlI want is for somebody, anybody to love me!"

"Honey, we all want that." Joanne said, as she held him, crying with him. "We all want to be loved and valued, that's normal. I can't understand why people can't take you as you are and stop judging you by your race. I love you just the way you are."

"You do?" Young Johnny asked, in suprise.

"Yeah, I don't see your race, I just see a person, a wonderful caring person." Jo replied.

"So do I," Chris said, coming downstairs. "We've been studying slavery in history class. We learned about how blacks were treated as second-class citizens. Nobody deserves to be treated like that, not even you."

Joanne's heart was filled with pride in her son.

"My name's Christopher, but you can call me Chris." Chris said, extending his hand.

"Hi, I'm Johnny Gage." Johnny replied, shaking Chris's hand.

"Johnny's going to be staying with us for awhile." Joanne said.

"Okay." Chris smiled. "Wanna see my room, Johnny?"

"Sure," Johnny grinned, getting up.

"Supper's at five sharp, boys." Joanne said, as they walked upstairs.

Once in Chris's room, Chris and Johnny sat down on the bed.

"Johnny, why do you assume that everyone will hate you?" Sixteen year old Chris asked, as he and Johnny started doing their homework.

"Chris, what would you think if you'd grown up the way I did?" Johnny asked. "I've had parents tell me to keep my redskin away from their son."

"That's too bad." Chris replied. "You have to realize that not everyone is like that. Most people are very nice and they don't judge by race. You have to learn to trust."

"It's just so hard to do." Johnny told Chris. "How do you trust when most of your own family hates you?"

"Johnny, I know of the rough life you've had, my Mom told me about it." Chris replied. "I can never imagine having a family like that. The problem is, you use that as a way to justify being rude to others around you and to justify breaking the law. Johnny, there are a lot of people who've been abused and mistreated, but they don't use that to hurt others."

"I had to steal to survive." Johnny defended himself. "It was the only way I could eat!"

"Johnny, you don't have to do that now. You're with us." Chris said. "We have a code of conduct in this family. First and foremost is that we obey the law. Second is that we stay in school."

"That's right, Chris," Joanne said, poking her head into the room. "Third is that we put our best into whatever we do. Supper's ready."

"Okay, Mom." Chris replied, closing his math book.

Johnny closed his history book then followed Chris downstairs.

After Dinner, Johnny and Chris returned to his room to finish their homework.

"Hey, Chris, how come Roy isn't home yet?" Johnny asked,

"Firefighters work twenty-four hour shifts." Chris explained. "He won't be home till tomorrow morning."

"I see," Johnny nodded, as he worked a math problem. "Does your Mom work?"

Before Chris could answer, Joanne again poked her head in.

"Johnny, you have a visitor." She said.

"Who is it?" Johnny asked.

"It's J.J's dad." Jo replied as Johnny followed her downstairs.

When they got down there, Johnny saw a man with dark brown hair sitting in the living room. The man's face had an impassivity that scared Johnny.

"Are you Johnny Gage?" Jefferson Ford, Sr. asked.

"Yes, Sir," Johnny stuttered, nervously.

"Young man, I think you were very rude to my son! He was kind enough to invite you over for dinner, then you changed your mind! I demand to know why!" Jeff yelled, angrily.

"Now you wait a minute, Mister!" Joanne yelled. "You have no right to come into my home and yell at my foster son like that! He decided not to go because he wasn't sure that you would accept him!"

"Wouldn't accept him?!" Jeff scoffed. "Why the hell wouldn't I accept him?!"

"Because, I'm half Lakota Indian." Johnny told the man. "You have no idea what it's like to grow up an outcast in your own family!"

Jeff's eyes with wide with shock. When he spoke next, he was alot calmer.

"Son, I'm sorry I hollered at you." Jeff said. "When it comes to my family, I don't want to see them hurt."

"I understand." Johnny answered. "You must understand that I was afraid that you would tell me to stay away from your son."

"Son, my son likes you." Jeff told him. "I accept any friends of my son into our family. I believe you'd be good for J. J. I want you and your family to come to the house for an old-fashioned barbecue this weekend." Jeff said,

Johnny looked at Joanne.

"My husband works Saturday." Joanne said. "He's a firefighter with the Los Angeles County fire department. I'll see if he can get someone to fill in for him that shift "

"If he can't come, that's okay." Jeff said. "We can still do it without him."

"I call you in a day or two." Joanne said. as she ushered Jeff out the door.

"My number's in the book." Jeff smiled as he left.

Johnny returned to Chris's room to finish his homework. Once done, Johnny headed out into the woods..

*****************

Back in the house, Joanne was arguing with Roy on the phone.

"Royal DeSoto, can't you get someone else to fill in for you Saturday?" Joanne asked.

"Honey, we're understaffed as it is! You know my job has to come first!" Roy argued. "I can't just shirk my duties for some barbecue!"

"Roy, this is very important to Johnny. You have not spent any time with him since he came here." Joanne said. "Roy, just once, can't your family come first?"

"Honey, we can't have an understaffed engine. Lives depend on us!" Roy argued, as the tones went off. "Honey, I've got to go. We've got a run."

Joanne cried as Roy hung up. Damn, you, Royal DeSoto! She thought. What am I gonna tell Johnny?

The next morning when Roy came home, Joanne was still angry with him, so that night, he slept outside in a tent, across from Johnny. Johnny came over with two sodas for them.

"Are you alright?" Johnny asked, softly.

"Yes," Roy lied.

"No, Roy, you're not." Johnny said. "I can tell. Talk to me."

"Joanne and I had a fight. She was upset because I can't come with you Saturday because I have to work." Roy said. "She said I don't spend any time with you."

"You don't," Johnny said. "You don't spend any with Chris or Jennifer either. Roy, how do you think Joanne feels when you're off at work all the time? Don't you think that's lonely for her?"

"Yeah," Roy admitted. "I gotta support my family though. I have to work the over time."

"Roy, you don't have to! Your wife has a job too." Johnny said. "I'm sure she gets mad when she doesn't see you for three days straight. She's raising Chris and Jenny on her own."

Roy hung his head.

"I admit I haven't been much of a husband." Roy said, softly. "I haven't been much of a father either. I can't leave the station short-staffed either."

"Roy, I understand that." Johnny said. "My grandfather was a fireman. My grandmother felt the same way Joanne does now."

"How did she deal with it?" Roy asked.

"Roy, Grandma would cry for hours after Grandfather left for work. She was so lonely with Grandfather working so much overtime, so she divorced him." Johnny told Roy. "Grandfather died a lonely man."

"I don't want to end up like him." Roy said, fearfully.

"Roy, close your eyes." Johnny requested.

"Why?" Roy asked.

"Roy, you're going to see exactly what your wife goes through here while you're gone by taking her place and form." Johnny replied.

Roy closed his eyes and screamed as his body was seized by great pain. When he opened his eyes next, he was standing in the kitchen of his house. He was immediately besieged by Chris and Jenny.

"Mom, where's our lunch? We're gonna be late for school." Chris said.

Roy glanced at the reflection on the stove. He saw he was now Joanne.

What do I do now? Roy thought.

"Uh, Guys, I forgot to make them last night, I'm sorry. Here's some lunch money for you both." Roy replied in Joanne's voice.

"Okay, thanks, Mom." Chris smiled, as he and Jenny ran out the door.

Roy then went into the living room and found it a mess with toys all over the floor. After picking that up, he went into the bathroom, getting out the cleaning supplies, Roy went to work.

This is just like at the station, Roy thought as he scrubbed.

After the bathroom was done, Roy then returned to the kitchen where the phone rang.. Roy picked it up.

"Hello?" He said.

"Honey, I've gotta work another shift after this one. Bellingham's out sick over at 16's." Roy heard his voice say.

"Honey, what about Chris's ballgame?" Roy asked in Joanne's voice.

"I can't make it," Roy heard himself answer. "Tell Chris I'm sorry."

"I will," Roy answered through Joanne. "I'll see you, Tuesday."

"I love you." Roy heard himself say.

"Ditto." Roy-Joanne replied, then hung up.

Tears trickled down Roy's cheek as Johnny appeared.

"Why are you crying?" Johnny asked.

"Roy told me he can't make it to Chris's game!" Roy-Joanne sobbed. "What am I gonna tell Chris?"

"How do you think Chris feels everytime you miss a ballgame or a birthday or a holiday?" Johnny asked. "How do you think Jenny feels when you miss a ballet recital?"

"They understand about my job." Roy replied.

"Ah, but do they really?" Johnny asked.

Roy was again seized by great pain. When he came to, he, as Joanne was in the dugout with Chris at his little league game. Chris was crying.

"Mom, Dad promised! Chris sobbed. "He promised he'd be here!"

"What are you going to tell him?" Young Johnny asked.

"Well?" Johnny asked.

"Chris, You knew Daddy had to work." Roy-Joanne said. "That's just the way life is."

"Mom, Don't invite Dad to my games anymore. Don't invite him to anything!" Chris sobbed, angrily.

Roy-Joanne watched as Chris ran to join his friends. Johnny appeared to him again.

"You see how let down he feels?" Johnny asked. "How hurt?"

Roy cried as he opened his eyes and found himself back in his backyard.

"Johnny, I didn't mean to hurt him!" Roy sobbed.

"Roy, everytime you miss a ballgame or something important to him and Jenny, you drive them further away from you. They may stop wanting you in their lives at all." The boy told him.

"I'm a bad father!" Roy sobbed. "I'm a bad husband! I'm no man!"

"Roy, that's not true!" Joanne said, joining Roy and the teenager. "You're a good husband and provider! I'm the one who should be sorry. I had no right to yell at you. You can't help what your work schedule is. I had no right to ask you to take time off on such short notice. You have to work, I understand. I'm sure Johnny does too."

"Roy, if you can't be there it's okay." Johnny said.

"No, Son, it's not." Roy told him. "I'm gonna be there Saturday. Cap can find someone to fill in for me!"

"Roy, you don't have to." Johnny protested.

"Johnny, I don't have to, but I want to. I've let my family down one too many times!" Roy stated firmly. "I'm gonna go call Cap."

Roy headed into the house. Joanne looked at Johnny, a smile on her face.

"Johnny, what did you say to my husband?" An amazed Joanne asked.

Johnny tossed her a soda, she sat down next to him, opening it.

"Actually, I didn't say anything. I took him on what my tribe calls a vision quest. I had Roy take your form so he could see what you go through when he's gone all the time. I also had Roy see through your eyes how your kids feel when he can't make it to one of their events." Young Johnny replied.

"I see, you had him walk a mile in my shoes." Joanne smiled.

"Exactly," Johnny grinned. "I think that Roy gets so caught up in trying to provide for your family, that he forgets that what you really want is him to spend time with you. You need to remind him that you need him to be a husband and father as well as a provider."

Roy came back out just then, a smile on his face.

"Captain Thomas didn't like that I was taking time off, but I told him that from now on, my family comes first." Roy smiled. "I also told him I was using my vacation time whether he liked it or not!"

"Way to go, Roy!" Johnny cheered.

"How'd Thomas take that?" Jo asked.

"I don't know. I hung up before he could argue!" Roy laughed.

Joanne and Johnny laughed with him as they all went back into the house. When that Saturday came, it found all the DeSotos at the Ford's house. All the adults sat out on the back deck, laughing, eating and talking. J.J's Mom took an immediate liking to Joanne, while Jeff and Roy hit it off.

"I think it's wonderful that you and your wife are willing to bring a child into your home, even though he is a redskin." Jeff said.

"Look, Johnny is like any other boy, even though he is part Native American." Roy replied, defensively. "I don't appreciate you calling him a redskin!"

"Come on, Roy, I didn't mean anything!" Jeff laughed. "That's what your boy is. Even he knows that."

Roy got up and slowly walked over to where his wife was.

"Jo, did you hear him?!" Roy hissed in her ear. "That man is a racist!"

"I heard!" Jo hissed back. "Roy, don't do anything to embarrass Johnny, no matter what that man says! Be polite!"

"Jo, I can't stand by and let him make fun of Johnny!" Roy whispered.

Roy walked back over to Jeff was sitting.

"Jeff, I'm going to tell you something right now!" Roy hissed. "If I EVER hear you make fun of my foster son again, you will live to regret it!"

"Yeah sure!" Jeff laughed. "What can an uneducated fireman do to an executive like me? You don't look like you can hurt a fly!"

"Jefferson James Ford, you stop it this instant!" Marie Ford yelled.

"Marie, do you want our son tutored by a redskin boy?" Jeff asked. "A boy raised by a man who does nothing but put out fires for a living?"

Roy gritted his teeth in anger. Joanne turned red with rage. Jeff continued to laugh at Roy. Johnny came out just then. He had heard everything.

"Son, are you sure you want to live with such a wimpy fireman?" Jeff laughed, as he poured his beer all over Roy.

"Well, wimpy hose jockey, what are you going to do now?" Jeff taunted

Roy just sat there, trying to control his rage. Joanne was also angry.

"C'mon, hose jockey, are you a man or a mouse?" Jeff laughed.

Roy slowly got up and turned to Johnny.

"Son, I'm going to be a man and walk away. I'm not going to fight this man." Roy told Johnny.

"Roy, let's go home." Johnny replied, softly, taking his hand. "Mr. Ford, I like your son, but I can't be friends with a boy whose father is a racist. I'm sorry."

"Johnny," J. J. protested.

"J.J, I'm sorry." Johnny said. "Let's go, Roy."

Roy and Joanne got Chris and Jenny then drove home in their car. J.J. turned to his father, tears in his eyes.

"How could you?!" He sobbed. "Just when I was making a friend, you drove him away! You always drive my friends away!"

J.J. ran crying into the house. Marie glared at her husband. She then turned and went into the house to comfort J.J. Jeff just sat there, drinking his beer.

*****************

Back at the DeSotos, Roy had changed into dry clothes. Joanne held him, tightly.

"Honey, are you okay?" Jo asked.

"Honestly, no." Roy softly replied. "I just sat there and let that man humiliate me! A real man wouldn't have done that! A real man would've defended his son and his honor!"

"Roy, you did the right thing." Jo reassured him. "You sat an example for our children that fighting solves nothing. You made Johnny proud today."

"I did?" Roy asked.

"Yeah, you did." Jo replied. "You showed him how to use his head, not his fists."

Johnny knocked on the door of the bedroom just then.

"May I come in? Am I interrupting?" The teen asked.

"Come in, Johnny." Joanne smiled. "I'll leave you two alone."

"Oh no, You can stay." Johnny grinned, sitting down on the bed. "Roy, I want to thank you."

"For what?" Roy asked. "I let a man humiliate me! I should've defended you!"

"Roy, you did the right thing by not defending me." Young Johnny told him.

"What do you mean?" A confused Roy asked.

"Roy, if you had defended me, Jeff could've attacked me to get back at you." Johnny said. "Defending me could've only made things worse for me at school."

"Have you been having trouble at school?" Roy asked. "Come on, Johnny, tell us. We can protect you."

"It's nothing. It's my problem." Johnny replied. "Thanks anyway."

With that, Johnny left the bedroom. Roy turned to Jo.

"What is he hiding?" Roy asked.

"What is he not telling us? Something's wrong, I know it." Jo said. "He seemed scared a little bit ago."

"Why did he close up on us?" Roy asked.

********************

Meanwhile, Johnny made his way out back to his crude shelter. Taking off his clothes, Johnny stepped into the pond to soothe his bruised ribs and balls. He, under no circumstances, was going to reveal to the DeSotos the beatings he'd been taking at school at the hands of fellow students.

This is my battle, not theirs. I will handle this my own way. Johnny thought. Those guys said they'd kill me if I told.

After the pain went away, Johnny got out of the water and dried off. He then redressed. Johnny then went into the woods to hunt for his supper, since they had not eaten at Jeff's. He spent the rest of the night hunting and fishing. Roy came out just before he went to bed.

"Johnny?" He called.

He got no answer, just the rustling in the woods. Johnny came over to Roy and sat down.

"Son, what are you hiding?" Roy asked. "Is someone hurting you at school?"

"No," Johnny replied.

"Then why did wince when you sat down?" Roy asked. "Come on, talk to me."

Johnny shook his head.

"Roy, I can't! They said they'd kill me!" Johnny replied.

"Who, Johnny? Who's threatening you?" Roy asked.

"Roy, they'll kill me if I tell!" Johnny replied, then ran into his shelter.

Roy shook his head and went back into the house. Going to his bedroom, he undressed and climbed in bed next to his wife.

"Jo, Johnny's scared of some people at school." Roy said. "He keeps saying they'll kill him if he tells."

"Did he say who was threatening him?" Joanne asked.

"No, he's too scared." Roy replied. "I'm going to have a talk with Mr. Bush in the morning."

The next morning, Roy took Johnny to school. While Johnny headed to his first class, Roy went to Mr. Bush's office. During their talk, a commotion erupted in the hall. Roy and the principal ran outside to see what was going on. When they got there, they saw a bunch of students beating up a fellow student.

"What is going on here?!" Mr. Bush demanded.

The attackers turned around, their eyes wide with fear.

"You boys go wait in my office!!!" Bush yelled.

The six walked toward the office while Roy bent down next to the victim. He was shocked to find Chris laying there, broken and beaten.

"Oh God, Chris!" Roy sobbed. "What happened, Son?"

"Daddy," Chris gasped, then slumped into unconsciousness.

"Call an ambulance!" Roy yelled.

"One's already on the way." Bush replied.

When the ambulance arrived, Roy was pushed out of the way. All Roy could do was think of what he was going to tell Joanne. When Chris was loaded onto a stretcher and wheeled away, Roy tried to follow.

"Sir, Please, let us do our job." One of the attendants told him, blocking Roy's way.

"I'm his father!" Roy sobbed.

"Sir, you can follow us into the hospital okay?" The attendant replied. "We're going to Rampart General."

Roy nodded and followed the stretcher outside. Johnny came up behind Roy, tears in his eyes.

"This is all my fault!" The teen cried. "If I hadn't shown up at your door, this wouldn't have happened!"

"Johnny-" Roy said, gently.

"He wouldn't have gotten beaten if it hadn't been for me!" Johnny sobbed. "This is my fault!"

Before Roy could react, Johnny bolted down the hall and out the door. Roy followed the ambulance into the hospital.

***************

Upon arriving at Rampart, Roy was met by Dixie McCall.

"Mr. DeSoto, Chris is being taken to surgery." Dix said. "Dr, Early thinks he has a skull fracture."

"Can I see him?" Roy asked.

"Mr. DeSoto, your son is in a coma. He's on his way to surgery right now!" Dix replied.

Roy shoved Dix aside and ran for the elevators.

"Which floor is surgery?!" Roy growled, getting into the elevator.

"Mr. DeSoto, Please, come sit down." Dix said, leading him off the elevator and over to a chair.

Roy sat down and started to sob. Dixie held him tight.

"My son got beaten up at school!" Roy cried. "The one place you think a child would be safe!"

"I know." Dix agreed. "I guess there is really no safe place anymore."

"My foster son thinks it's all his fault!" Roy sobbed. "He took off running from the school."

"Why does he think it's his fault?" Dix asked.

"He is part Native American and has gotten beaten up because of it." Roy replied. "It was him those monsters were after!"

"That doesn't make it his fault." Dix replied. "You must make him see that."

"If only I knew where Johnny was right now." Roy sobbed. "I have to call my wife!"

"I'll do that. Just give me the number." Dix said.

Roy wrote Joanne's work number on a piece of paper in his pocket and handed it to the pretty nurse.

"Thank you, Miss-" Roy sniffed.

"McCall, Dixie McCall." Dix said, pointing to her name tag.

"Roy DeSoto," Roy smiled, introducing himself.

"You work at station 110, don't you?" Dix asked.

"Yeah," Roy replied. "How'd you know?"

"Your friend, Bob Bellingham is admitted here. He talks about you all the time." Dix replied, standing up. "I'll go call your wife now."

"Thank you." Roy sniffed. "Will you try to see how my son is?"

"Roy, It'll be awhile before we know anything." Dix told him. "Why don't you go wait in the lounge? There's coffee and doughnuts there. Magazines too."

"Thank you. I will," Roy replied as Dix went to call Joanne.

Roy headed toward the lounge.

******************

After getting the call, Joanne raced to Rampart where she met Roy in the lounge. They flew into each other's arms and cried for a few minutes.

"Roy, the nurse told me that Chris is in surgery!" Joanne sobbed.

"Hon, the doctor thinks he may have a skull fracture." Roy replied, sobbing. "We won't know anything for awhile."

"Roy, where's Johnny?" Jo asked.

"I don't know." Roy replied. "He ran off saying it was his fault!"

"Roy, we have to find him!" Jo cried. "In his state, who knows what he might do?"

"Jo, where do we look?" Roy replied.

*****************

Back in the ER, Johnny looked around for Chris, having arrived minutes earlier. A nurse came over to him.

"May I help you, young man?" The nurse asked.

"Yes, Ma'am, I'm looking for Christopher DeSoto. I know he was brought here." Johnny replied.

"Let me check with my supervisor." The nurse, replied walking away.

Dix came over to Johnny.

"Come with me." She said.

Johnny followed Dixie into the lounge where Roy and Joanne were. Johnny sat down across from them, not saying a word. Dix left to tend to other matters. Johnny hung his head, avoiding the DeSoto's gaze. Roy wanted to say something to make the boy feel better, but he didn't know what. Johnny wasn't sure he even belonged with them now.

I got their son hurt. How can they ever forgive me for that? Johnny thought.

****************

As the hours passed, nobody said a word. Everyone was deep in their own thoughts. Johnny was thinking that the DeSoto's hated him, not that he could blame them. Johnny watched as the DeSoto's cried in each other's arms. Johnny felt for them. Chris was their son. Johnny wanted to say something to comfort them, but he knew his words would be of little comfort to them.

Roy nor Joanne looked at Johnny, they just left him alone to his own thoughts. All they could think of was Chris. Johnny left the lounge unnoticed, then the hospital. Johnny made his way to the DeSoto's house grabbed his stuff, then sat down to write a note.

Mr. and Mrs. DeSoto,

Thank you for all you have done for me, but given Christopher's injuries, I can't stay here knowing that I and I alone am responsible for what happened. It was because of me that your son was hurt. It was me that the attackers were after.

I know that you both could never forgive me, not that I blame you. Everytime you look at me, you'll be reminded of Chris and what happened so I will leave.

John Gage

Johnny taped the note to the front door as he walked out. He then headed for points unknown.

*******************

Back at the hospital, Roy and Jo still waited for word on Chris. They were scared for both him and Johnny. One in danger of losing his life, the other in danger of losing himself. Roy and Jo felt so helpless. Just then, Dix came in, along with a silver-haired doctor.

"Mr. and Mrs. DeSoto? I'm Dr. Early. I'm the neurologist that operated on Chris." The doctor said. "The surgery was successful, I was able to relieve the pressure in Chris's head."

"Will he be okay?" Roy asked.

"We won't know that til he wakes up." Dr. Early replied. "All we can do is wait."

"Can we see him?" Roy asked.

"Yes, but only for a few minutes." Dr. Early replied. "Dixie will show you to the ICU."

"Follow me." Dix said.

Dixie led Roy and Joanne to Chris's room in the ICU. Both cried as they saw their son hooked up to all kinds of tubes and machines. Roy approached the bed and kissed his son's head.

"Chris, it's daddy." Roy whispered. "You're in the hospital. Everything's all right."

Joanne turned and ran from the room, sobbing. She couldn't stand to see her son that way. Roy kissed his son one more time, then went after Joanne. He found her outside Chris's room, sobbing. Roy put his arms around her. Joanne pushed him away.

"Just go back to your precious job!" She sobbed. "You obviously don't want to be here with us! You never did!"

"Jo-" Roy protested.

"Just go away, Royal! Leave your son alone like you always do!" Jo sobbed. "I'm the one who takes care of those kids everyday, not you! Roy, you weren't ever there for us! You're not now!"

"Joanne, I'm right here!" Roy yelled.

"Physically maybe, but your heart isn't here!" Jo sobbed.

Roy grabbed Jo by her shoulders and shook her.

"Joanne, stop it!" Roy sobbed. "He's my son too! I love him as much as you do! Dammit, Jo, You aren't the only one who's hurting over this! I hurt too, so do Jenny and Johnny! Johnny most of all!"

Jo collapsed into Roy's arms, sobbing. Roy held her tight as he too sobbed.

"I'm sorry, Roy! I'm sorry!" Jo sobbed.

"Honey, this is going to be a trying time for us all. We need to stick together now!" Roy sobbed.

Both looked up as Captain Thomas and the rest of his shift from 110s arrived. All had tears in their eyes.

"Roy, we came as soon as we heard." Cap Thomas said as he sobbed. "Is there anything we can do?"

"Cap, Johnny ran off, nobody knows where he is." Roy sobbed. "I need to find him!"

"Roy, I'll alert the police." Cap Thomas replied. "I'll also arrange for you to have emergency leave so you can be with your family. We'll all take time off to be right by your side throughout all this."

"Cap, what about the station?" Roy asked.

"Roy, another shift can fill in for us." Cap Thomas replied.

"Thank you, Cap." Roy replied, through his tears.

Thomas nodded and went to make the arrangements

*******************

Later that night, after the DeSotos left for the night, Johnny Gage snuck into Chris's room in the ICU. He silently approached Chris's bed. Johnny took the boy's limp hand.

"Chris, I'm so sorry." Johnny whispered, sobbing. "You got hurt because of me. If I hadn't come to live with you, this wouldn't have happened."

********************

At the DeSoto house, Joanne had asked Roy to sleep on the couch.

"Roy, I just need to be alone with my thoughts." Joanne told him.

"Jo. we need to be together now." Roy sobbed.

"Together? Together?! You want to be together now?!" Jo exploded. "Why did it take Chris getting hurt for you to want that?!"

Roy hung his head as Joanne raged on.

"Roy, you don't know what marriage and fatherhood is about!!! All you care about is yourself!! You always have!!! Now, Chris is your son because he's hurt!!! You never did anything for him til now!!!" Jo screamed and sobbed. "Did you ever take him fishing? Did you ever play ball with him?!!!! Did you ever put him and Jenny's needs above your job?!!! Now, you want be a father!!"

"Jo," Roy protested.

"Roy, you just can't be a father when it's convenient! You just can't pop in and out of our lives between shifts!!! It's either all or nothing!!!" Jo yelled.

"Jo, You know how demanding my job is!" Roy defended himself. "You know how risky my job is!!! I'm no I'm no Ward Cleaver, but I love what I do!!! You knew what you were getting into when you married me, you knew what I was!"

"Roy, I know you love your job, but I wished you loved your family as much." Jo replied. "I'd like you to move out for awhile. Roy, I need to be alone. Can you understand that?"

"No, Joanne, I can't." Roy replied. "Our child needs us now, both of us! If you want me to leave, I will, but I will not stand here and listen to you tell me I'm a lousy dad! I do the best I can! I made sure that our kids had food to eat and clothes to wear! A father also provides for his family! I do it doing something I love!"

"Why couldn't you have been a doctor like my mom wanted?" Jo sobbed. "Why couldn't I have married a doctor?"

"Oh, so I'm not good enough for you!?" Roy yelled. "I was in high school!"

"You weren't a useless hose jockey then!" Joanne yelled.

A hurt Roy quickly packed a suitcase and left the house in his truck. Joanne cried as she watched Roy go.

Roy soon found himself at 110's. Cap Thomas was suprised to see him there.

"Roy? What's wrong?" Cap asked.

"Joanne and I had a big fight!" Roy sobbed.

"Roy, do you want to talk about it?" Cap asked.

Roy nodded.

"Let's go into the office." Cap Thomas said.

Roy told Cap Thomas about the fight between him and Joanne as they drank coffee in the Captain's office. Captain Thomas listened understandingly.

"Roy, Joanne's hurting over what happened to Chris." Cap Thomas said.

"I am too! Can't she see that? I'm Chris's father!" Roy sobbed. "He's my son too!"

"The pain that she feels is different from yours." Cap Thomas said. "A mother carries a child for nine months. They have a bond before the child is even born, so the hurt is much deeper for Jo then for you. She has alot of worry with your job as well."

"Yeah, but she knew what she was getting into before she married me!" Roy argued. "She knew what being a fireman's wife met."

"Yes, but that doesn't ease her worry." Cap replied. "My wife worries about me too. It's that way for all firefighters and police officers."

"She was right about some things though." Roy said, wiping his tears. "I am no father! I wasn't there for my family! I was a father whenever it was convenient for me. I popped in and out of their lives between shifts."

"Roy, you are the one who chose to work that overtime, nobody forced you." Cap reminded him. "I think your priorities are screwed up. Your family should be first and foremost."

"I have to support them!" Roy argued.

"Roy, Joanne could take a job too!" Cap yelled. "Your kids aren't little anymore! They should start fending for themselves."

Roy knew that Cap Thomas was right. He decided then and there that there would be changes in the DeSoto family.

****************

Joanne, meanwhile, lay on her and Roy's bed sobbing. She missed her husband, terribly. She knew she had also hurt him, badly. Jo was snapped out of her thoughts by the sound of the front door opening. Joanne got up and ran downstairs, thinking it was Roy. She was just as happy to find young Johnny standing there.

"Johnny!" Joanne cried, as she hugged him tight. "Are you alright?"

"I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry your son got hurt! It's my fault!" Johnny sobbed.

"John, it was not!" Jo yelled. "Those kids were looking for someone to attack! It just happened to be Chris!"

"It was me they were after!" Johnny sobbed. "Those were the kids that were threatening me!"

"Johnny, this wasn't your fault!" Joanne repeated as she too sobbed.

She and Johnny held each other tight as they sobbed. Johnny then looked up at her.

"Johnny, Roy and I had a fight, I don't know where he is!" Joanne sobbed. "I kicked him out of the house."

"Jo, I'm sure Roy's alright. Maybe some time apart is what you both need now. Give yourselves a chance to cool down." Johnny said.

"I really hurt him." Jo sobbed. "I called him a useless hose jockey! I was upset because it seemed that Roy didn't care about Chris."

"He tries. That's what counts." Johnny whispered. "His job is a very demanding one, both physically and emotionally. It takes alot out of ya."

"I know. It just seems like he is never fully with us. I know that his body's here, but it just doesn't seem like his heart is." Jo said.

"Jo, This thing with Chris is just as painful for Roy. He is Chris's father." Johnny reminded her. "He just doesn't let that pain show as you do. He buries himself in his job so he won't have to feel that pain and deal with it."

"I just wish he knew that he wasn't the only one in pain." Jo said, softly. "I just want Roy to be there for our son."

"Jo, he is. he always has been." Johnny replied. "It's just that he feels alot of guilt too, for not being able to protect his son. He feels he failed as a father and as a man."

"Why?" Joanne asked.

"Roy was raised with the idea that a man should be able to care for and protect his family from harm. Because Roy couldn't do that, he feels he is not worthy of you or the kids." John replied. "Roy thinks that he is caring for you by being the bread winner."

"He loses sight of us because of that." Jo replied, understanding. "I don't make things any better for him by yelling and screaming at him when he is home. I'm sure he feels that I don't love him. That's not true, I do."

"Then show him." Johnny replied. "When he comes in from work, don't indaunt him with a list of chores and demands. Let him rest, let him have time to relax and have time for him. When you've been on duty for twenty-four hours straight. you're bound to be tired."

"You're right." Jo agreed.

"As for him not spending time with you, remember, it's about the quality of that time rather the quantity. Roy spends time with Jenny just by watching cartoons with her on Saturday mornings before he goes to work. He takes Chris to church every Sunday for services."

"I never knew." Jo sobbed.

"Because you didn't ask." Johnny replied. "Jo, love is shown through little things we do for each other. When Roy kisses Jenny's boo-boos or helps Chris with his homework, that's love. When Roy helps out at a ballgame or a PTA meeting, that's love. When Roy and you took me into your home, that was an act of love."

Jo shook as she heard these words.

"God, what have I done?" She sobbed. "I tried to make Roy into something he wasn't! Something he didn't want to be! I tried to make him be Ward Cleaver!"

"Jo, Chris needs us to come together as a family now. He needs our strength, not our guilt!" Johnny said.

"Johnny, you did not cause what happened to Chris." Jo told him. "So quit punishing yourself!"

"Wanna go to the hospital? I couldn't sleep now anyway." Johnny grinned.

"Let's go." Joanne smiled, hugging Johnny.

When they arrived in the ICU, Joanne and Johnny made their way to Chris's room. Upon going in, they saw Roy, standing by the bed, tears on his cheeks. When he saw Joanne, Roy turned and left the room, the fear obvious in his blue eyes.

"Roy, wait!" Joanne called, running after her husband.

"Jo, I just can't bear to see our son like that, hooked up to all those machines and tubes!" Roy sobbed. "It just hurts too damn much!"

"Roy, it hurts me too!" Jo sobbed, as she and Roy continued walking. "Roy, stop running away from your pain!"

"Chris arrested twice tonight!" Roy sobbed. "I can't lose another child! I just can't! I won't live that pain again!"

"Roy, stop!" Jo yelled. "Stop running away! It doesn't solve anything! Roy, I know you miss RJ!"

"Damn right I do!" Roy sobbed. "It hurts everyday! He was our first born! How could god do this again to us?! How could any god do this twice!?"

"Roy, RJ's death was just an accident, that's all." Joanne pleaded.

"Bullshit!" Roy growled. "I killed RJ because I left him unattended in the bathtub! He drowned because I couldn't just let the phone ring! I killed our son!"

Roy walked even faster toward the elevator. Joanne could hardly keep up.

"Roy, where are you going?!" Jo demanded.

"Where else?! To work!" Roy growled. "Don't expect me home for a while. Don't bother me at the station either!!"

"Roy, your family needs you!!!" Johnny pleaded, trying to stop him.

"Get outta my way, Redskin!!" Roy growled, shoving Johnny aside.

"Roy," Jo tried one more time.

"Jo, you deal with this your way, I'll deal with it mine!!" Roy snapped as the elevator doors closed.

Johnny held a crying Joanne in his arms.

*************************

After leaving Rampart, Roy drove to the hose and packed all his clothes and belongings. He then sat down and wrote a note for Joanne.

Jo,

I feel I need to be on my own for awhile. No matter how I try, I can't stand seeing my own flesh and blood in such terrible shape. I have failed not only you, but my kids as well. I am no man and no example for our kids. They are better off without me. Jo, I hope you understand. I will send you money as soon as I can find a job.

Jo, I will understand if you want a divorce. I was no husband to you either. I was not the man you deserved.

I will always love you,

Roy

Taking one last look at his house, Roy laid the note on the table by the front door, along with his wedding ring. Roy then left in his truck for points unknown.

******************

When Jo read the note early the next morning, she cried, but she also understood Roy's feelings and why he felt he had to leave. She could only hope that Roy would find the answers that he was searching for. Meanwhile, she would let Roy date if he wanted to, but Jo would wait faithfully until Roy was ready to rejoin her.

Jo threw the note away and went upstairs to bed. Johnny meanwhile, was angry that Roy could abandon his family this way and was determined to hunt him down.

I will not let Roy destroy this family because of his guilt! Johnny thought as he too headed for bed.

**********************

The next day found Roy in Los Vegas. The first thing he did was check into a local motel to sleep, Two hours later, Roy went to the Los Vegas fire department to apply for a job. As he waited for his interview with the chief, Roy's thoughts went back to Chris and Jenny.

I just hope you two will understand someday. Roy thought. Just then a tall skinny woman came out of the chief's office.

"Mr. DeSoto?" The Chief will see you now." She said.

Roy got up and made his way into the office.

*****************

Back at the DeSoto house, Johnny was packing to hunt for Roy. Jo was trying to stop him.

"Johnny, Roy is an adult, I just say we let him do what he needs to." Jo said.

"Joanne, you just don't abandon you family when they need you most!" Johnny argued. "Roy is running away like he always has! He will never deal with his pain if he keeps running away."

"Johnny, Roy will come back when he's ready! He just needs to work through his feelings. If he needs to be on his own to do that, so be it. I won't stop him." Jo replied. "Johnny, we all love Roy, but love sometimes means letting a person have their space."

"But what about Chris?" Johnny asked. "What about what he needs? He needs his dad!"

"Chris does not need a father who can't deal with seeing him that badly injured. Besides. Chris has you, Jenny and I." Jo replied. "Roy never could deal with things like this well."

"He's a fireman. Surely he's seen injured people before. How does he deal with that?" Johnny asked.

"As a fireman, you take care of strangers. It's alot different when that person is someone you love. You just can't walk away like you can a stranger once that person is treated." Jo replied. "Johnny, Roy is scared of losing Chris. We lost one child before Chris was born."

"What happened?" Johnny softly asked.

"RJ drowned when he was two weeks old." Jo replied. "Roy was giving him a bath when the phone rang. When Roy came back, the baby was dead."

"That's too bad." Johnny replied. "I just can't see a real man leaving his family at a time like this! To me, that's irresponsible! Your husband is a coward!"

"Johnny, that not fair!" Jo yelled.

"It's also not fair that Roy left his son's side when he's fighting for his life!" Johnny argued. "Jo, what if he never comes home?"

*****************

Back in Vegas, Roy sat alone in his motel room, not knowing what to do with himself. He tried to push thoughts of Chris out of his mind, but found it hard to do. He felt ashamed that he had left his family behind, but he felt it was something he had to do.

I'm just a killer! I killed my partner, I killed my first son, I almost killed Chris! Roy thought, as he sobbed. I am not worthy of anything or anyone!

Suddenly, a ghost appeared to Roy, dressed in firefighter's turnout gear.

"Royal, you don't belong here and you know it!" The Spirit told him. "Your place is with your family!"

"Who the hell are you?" Roy asked.

"Roy, My name doesn't matter. I'm here to help you. You have alot of guilt over things that were not your fault. When are you going to let it go?" The spirit asked. "You are not to blame for any of these tragedies."

"I killed my two week old son!" Roy sobbed. "All because I had to go answer the fucking phone! My son drowned because of me! My partner died because of me!"

"Roy, Kyle Chandler knew the risks just like you did!" The ghost told him. "He caused his own death by not listening to the Captain!"

"I was senior partner! I was responsible for him!" Roy sobbed. "He trusted me with his life!"

"Roy, you know that in order for firefighters function, they must do it as a team. There are also times when a firefighter must go in alone." The ghost told him. "Chandler went in alone because there were other people who needed your attention."

"Those victims weren't that badly hurt!" Roy protested.

"But they still needed attention!" The ghost replied. "You had training as a medic that your fellow firemen did not."

"I'm trained as an EMT." Roy replied. "I should've been with Kyle!"

"Then you would've died too." The ghost told him. "Where would that have left your wife and kids then?"

"I should've died that day too!" Roy sobbed. "I cost my partner his life, so mine should've been taken too!"

"Roy, you would've been just one more person to bury." The spirit said. "Kyle gave his life for that trapped person! That person is alive today because of him! As for the rest of station fourteen, they're looking for someone to blame for what happened. That's a common way of grieving."

"Since I was his partner, they blame me." Roy replied.

"Roy, you need to face your demons, not run from them." The spirit told him. "You have to go back to Los Angeles. You have to face the music."

"Spirit, I am a failure! I failed to protect my son! Some father I am!" Roy sobbed.

"Roy, you are not a failure! You fail your family by not being there for them! They need your strength, your love." The spirit said, fading away.

Roy shook as he wondered who the spirit was. Roy wondered if Johnny had sent the spirit to him. Another ghost appeared, this time a small child.

"Hello, Daddy." The child said.

"Ro?" A shocked Roy asked as he looked at his dead son. "Why are you here?"

"Come." The child said, extending his hand. "We've a long journey ahead."

Roy was shocked as he floated into the air and away from the motel. He soon found himself at what looked to be a prison.

"Why are we here?" Roy asked.

"Daddy, without you, this is where Johnny will end up." Ro replied. "Johnny needs you to guide him. He needs the stability that only you and Joanne can give him."

"I don't buy that." Roy hissed. "Johnny has a good head on him!"

"He may have, but without you, he will get in with the wrong crowd." Ro told him. "Only you can give him a sense of direction."

"Daddy, Johnny needs you, so does Chris. Without you, they don't stand a chance. Jenny and Joanne miss you too." Ro told him. "Joanne will only wait so long for you before she moves on."

"Ro, she wouldn't leave me!" Roy yelled.

"Daddy, she has considered it several times. A person can only be alone so long." Ro said. "Did you ever think that Joanne would like to have a conversation with another adult? Did you ever think that maybe she might like to have someone who'll really listen to what she has to say?"

Roy knew that his son was right.

"How do I know if I'm even wanted there now?" Roy asked. "I can't blame Jo if she didn't welcome me back. I'm not exactly reliable as a husband and parent."

"Daddy, you must go back and face whatever happens." Ro told him. "You need to face the music."

With that, Ro faded from view, leaving Roy alone. Ro's words rung in his father's ears. Roy went to the phone and dialed his home number. As he waited for Jo to pick up, Roy felt like he would throw up. Finally, Roy heard someone pick up.

"Hello?" Jo's voice said.

"Honey? It's Roy." Roy stammered into the phone. "I'm coming home."

"Roy, I don't want you to come home for awhile." Jo's voice replied. "I need to be by myself for awhile. Roy, I'm tired of relying on a man who runs when something bad happens. I need someone who can be strong in the face of adversity, do you understand?"

Roy's eyes filled with tears as the words sunk in. He knew that Jo was right.

"I understand." Roy replied, his voice cracking.

"Roy, you can see the kids anytime you want." Jo said. "I just feel that we each have our own issues to deal with and can better deal with them apart. Roy, this is only for a little while."

"Jo, you're not thinking of divorce, are you?" A trembling Roy asked.

"Roy, I don't know if I want to do that yet. Let's just try being separated for awhile." Jo replied.

"What's going to happen to Johnny?" Roy asked.

"I thought he might be better off living with you." Jo replied. "He really needs a man in his life. He needs a loving influence in his life."

"Jo, please understand, I do the best I can." Roy said. "I'm just no good at facing tough times."

"I know, Roy." Jo replied. "I know this is tough for you. I love you, Roy, I always will, but you need to learn not to run when times get tough. You need to learn to put your family first and not bury yourself in your job. Your stuff and Johnny will be waiting at the station when you get back. Bye, Love."

"Bye." Roy said, then hung up.

Roy shook as his sobs overtook him.

**********************

The next morning, Roy returned to Los Angeles. As soon as he was off the plane, Roy went directly to station ten. Johnny was waiting when he arrived.

"Roy, I'm really sorry about you and Jo. Is there anything I can do?" Johnny asked.

"Thank you, Johnny. That means alot." A glum Roy replied. "I'm not much fun to be around and I won't make very good company."

"It's okay, Roy. I understand." Johnny replied.

Johnny knew that Roy was depressed and probably would not want to talk. Johnny decided then and there that he would be no trouble to Roy. Cap Thomas came out just then.

"DeSoto, take some personal time. Get your life back on track." Thomas said. "I've already arranged your leave."

"Thank you, Sir." Roy softly replied.

"If you need to talk, you know where to find me." Cap Thomas said.

"C'mon, Johnny. Let's go find a place to stay." Roy said as they left the station.

*****************

Roy and Johnny checked into two rooms at a local motel. Johnny, when not at school, stayed in his room while Roy stayed in his room, Drinking away his pain. Johnny understood and left Roy alone.

Johnny also took an after school job at station ten doing odd jobs from washing the engine to cleaning the latrine. He earned minimum wage and was paid once a week by Cap Thomas. Johnny earned enough to buy his own food and clothes. He never asked for a thing from Roy.

Roy, meanwhile, lay in the room next door in a depressed, drunken stupor. Roy DeSoto was again running away from things and he knew that Chris was disappointed in him and so was Johnny. The more Roy felt ashamed, the more he drank. He liked the fact that Johnny left him alone.

Thank you, Johnny. Roy thought as he took another sip of bourbon.

********************

Days went by for young Johnny Gage without a word from his foster father. Johnny just went on with life as usual, even though he missed Roy. One day, after school, Johnny went to visit Chris at Rampart. Getting off the elevator in the ICU, Johnny spotted Joanne in the hall. He went over to her.

"Hi, Johnny," Jo smiled. "How are you?"

"I'm fine. How's Chris doing?" Johnny replied.

"He's out of the coma, but he's depressed." Joanne sighed. "He's not taking Roy and I's separation well."

Neither is Roy. Johnny thought. What do I tell her if she asks about Roy?

The elevator door opened just then and a drunken Roy stumbled out. Johnny saw him and quickly shoved him back in the elevator before Jo saw him. Johnny then pushed the stop button.

"How dare you!" Johnny yelled. "You show up here drunk!"

"I wanna see my kid." Roy slurred, trying to shove his way past Johnny. "I wanna see Chris. I have the right."

"Royal, you are not going anywhere drunk! I won't let you." John hissed. "I won't let your son see you that way! He doesn't deserve that!"

"Joanne made me this way!" Roy slurred, angrily.

"Bull! You did this! You're just using Jo as an excuse!" Johnny argued as he hit the stop button again and the elevator resumed moving. "Roy, do you want Chris or Jo to see you like this? What would they think of you then?"

The only response that Johnny got was a loud snore. He turned around to see Roy, slumped against the elevator wall, in a deep sleep. When they arrived in the ER, Dixie ran over to help Johnny with Roy.

"He's bombed." Johnny explained. "He has been since Jo told him that she wanted to separate."

"You've been living with him?" Dix asked, as she and Johnny placed a passed out Roy on an exam table in treatment room two.

"Yes, at a motel." Johnny replied. "I just saw Jo in the ICU."

"Does she know about this?" Dix asked, as she checked Roy's vitals.

"No, she has her hands full with Chris." Johnny replied. "I've been supporting myself by working at station ten after school."

"I see." Dix nodded, as two orderlies came in with a gurney and placed Roy onto it. "Take him to the Jail ward, he'll dry out there."

The orderlies nodded and wheeled Roy away.

"Why are you placing him there?" Johnny asked. "Shouldn't he be in detox?"

"John, what Roy needs is a dose of tough love and a dose of reality." Dix explained. "The jail ward will be that reality."

"Okay, what about the tough love?" Johnny asked.

"That will be me." Dix smiled, wickedly. "I want you to go back to the motel and get your things. You're going home with me for a few days."

"Dix, are you sure?" Young Johnny asked.

Dixie knelt in front of the teen and made him look at her.

"Honey, you're not safe with Roy right now." Dixie told Johnny. "You need stability and I can provide that until Roy's better."

Dix kissed Young Johnny's cheek.

"Now, go on. Get your stuff and meet me back here in five minutes." Dix ordered.

Johnny nodded then left Rampart. Dix then went to deal with Roy.

****************

Arriving on the hospital's jail ward, Dixie made her way to Roy's cell with a bucket of water. Going inside, she dumped the water on a sleeping Roy. Roy sputtered and coughed.

"C'mon, wake up!" Dix yelled.

"What? Huh?" A groggy Roy said, sitting up. "Where am I?"

"Look for yourself!" Dix replied.

Roy looked around his cell through bloodshot eyes. His head was pounding and his stomach was heaving. His mouth felt like it had cotton in it. Suddenly, Roy could not control his stomach any longer and vomited all over himself. Dixie just stood there, her face expressionless.

"Roy, I'm not cleaning up after that." Dix told him. "You can lay in it, for all I care!"

"Dix-" Roy protested.

"Roy, you have two hands, do it yourself!" Dix yelled, as Roy winced, holding his pounding head.

"Can I at least have some aspirin?" Roy requested.

"Roy, you're the one who chose to get drunk, now you can live with the consequences!" Dix told him, walking out of his cell and locking the door behind her. "Roy, I've also ordered the nurses in ICU not to let you anywhere near Chris until further notice!"

"You can't do that! I'm his father!" Roy yelled.

"Are you sure? You're sure not acting like one!" Dix said. "A father would be sober for his child! He would be by his side in his time of need, not drinking himself into oblivion because his precious wife left him!"

With that, Dix turned to leave.

"Where's, Johnny?" Roy asked.

"Why do you care? You don't care about Chris! Just know that Johnny is in a place where you can't touch him!" Dix replied, then left the jail ward.

***************

Dixie made her way back to the ER, where she called Child Welfare. The caseworker then went to a judge and got an emergency order giving Dixie temporary custody of Johnny. Dix also got a restraining order against Roy, preventing him from coming anywhere near Johnny.

Johnny came over to her then, his stuff in hand.

"Johnny, why are you in uniform?" Dix asked.

"Because, I have to go to work at 10's soon." The teen replied.

"Johnny, your mind should be on your studies. I want you to quit that job." Dix told him.

"Dixie, I like working. Besides, the fireman make sure that I do my homework." Johnny told her. "They even help me when I don't understand something."

"When do you get off work?" Dix asked.

"I get off at ten." Young Johnny replied.

"Whoa, that's too late for a boy your age to be out, especially on a school night." Dixie said, firmly. "You tell Cap Thomas that from now on, you will work no later then six and only on weekends."

"Dixie, I make good grades. I can handle a part-time job." Johnny argued.

"I say you can't! Johnny, as long as you live with me, you live by my rules. You need to focus on your lessons. You can either have this job my way or no job at all. Now what's it gonna be?" Dix asked, hands on her hips.

Johnny knew that he'd met his match in Dixie. Dixie was not the wimp that Roy was. Johnny was pleased to actually hear no for a change. Johnny sat down and opened his history book at the nurse's station.

"I knew you'd see things my way." Dix smiled.

"Could you call Cap Thomas for me?" Johnny asked.

"I'll take care of it." Dix told him.

Johnny looked up from his book for a second, grinning at Dix..

"I guess you win." Johnny said.

"Naturally." Dix smiled. "I'm not the pushover Roy is. I want to check your work when you;re done."

Johnny sighed and went back to work

One hour later, Dix checked over Johnny's finished homework.

"Very good, John." A satisfied Dix nodded. "You are obviously very gifted."

"Thank you." Johnny grinned.

"Johnny, I expect you to help out with chores and keep your room clean." Dix told him. "When I'm working and school lets out, you will come directly to Rampart where I can keep my eye on you."

"Dix, I'm 15. I don't need a baby-sitter!" Johnny protested.

"I've seen too many times what happens when kids are left alone." Dix argued. "I will not take that chance! Until I'm sure I can trust you, you'll be on a short leash, understand?"

"Yeah," Johnny softly replied.

"John, don't be angry. This is for your own good." Dix told him.

Johnny just turned and entering the spare bedroom, shut the door. Dixie sighed and went to make dinner.

**************

Later that night after lights out, Johnny tossed and turned, unable to sleep. Johnny was a teenager unused to having such restrictions placed on him. Dixie's rules made him feel smothered. Even as a young boy, Johnny was used to having no rules at all. He came and went, unnoticed by his grandfather.

Even in most foster homes, Johnny Gage often got lost in the crowd and was ignored. Here. in Dixie's home, he felt her love surround him.

"Can't sleep?" Dix softly asked.

"I'm just not used to being loved." Johnny replied. "I'm not used to rules."

"Johnny, love means setting limits and enforcing them." Dix replied, laying down next to Johnny and rubbing his back.

"Dix, I've never had anyone care this way about me before." Johnny said. "Not even Roy."

"Roy can be self-absorbed sometimes." Dix agreed. "He really does love his family, though. He just has alot of issues to work through as does Jo. They will work things out. I know it."

"I'm not so sure that will happen." Johnny whispered. "Maybe I should just face the fact that there is no changing Roy DeSoto. Maybe Roy is meant to be selfish. That's just who he is and always will be."

"Johnny, Roy has to see for himself how wrong he's been. He has to change for him, not for everybody else. Only Roy can make that choice." Dix told him.

"What if he doesn't? What will happen then?" Johnny asked.

"Honey, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it." Dix whispered, rocking Johnny.

SIX MONTHS LATER.......

Johnny now lived with Dixie, permanently. Despite the tense moments between them, Johnny knew that Dix loved him as her own and he her. Johnny even called her Mama, which Dixie loved.

Roy, after his stint in the jail ward, entered AA for treatment. Roy now saw through eyes that weren't clouded by booze, the mistakes he'd made as a husband and father. Even though, he and Jo were still separated, Roy didn't mind for he knew that he needed to know what he wanted for himself before he could know what he wanted from Jo or anyone else.

As Roy walked into station ten, he felt at peace with himself for the first time in a long time. Roy knew however, that he still had a long way to go to rebuild the relationships he had damaged during his odyssey. As Roy went to the lockeroom to change, Captain Thomas came in.

"DeSoto, how are you?" Cap Thomas asked..

"I'm doin' okay, I guess." Roy replied.

"Roy, I know you're still having a hard time with all this." Cap Thomas said.

"Cap, Chris won't even have anything to do with me!" Roy sobbed. "Jenny won't talk to me either!"

"Roy, they're hurting just as much as you are right now. They need to recover too. Just give them time." Cap Thomas soothed.

"Cap, what if they never want me back?" Roy sobbed. "I'm gonna lose them forever, my wife too!"

"DeSoto, get a grip! Pull yourself together!" Cap Thomas told him. "You have to move on with your own life! Let your family get on with theirs!"

"Cap, I feel so alone now! My life is coming apart!" Roy sobbed.

"Roy, Things will work one way or the other, you'll see." Cap told him. "Right now, you need to get ready for roll call."

"Okay, Cap," Roy replied, wiping his tears.

*******************

As his shift wore on, all Roy could think of were his kids. He knew they hated him and that he'd deserved their hate of him. Roy could not blame them for their feelings or Jo for hers. When he got off the next day, Roy drove past his and Joanne's house. Seeing no car in the drive, Roy pulled in and got out of the pickup.

Roy went up and peeked in the windows. When he peeked in a bedroom window, Roy got quiote a shock. Joanne was making love to another man! Roy's heart sunk when he saw this. Roy moved away from the window quickly, tears pouring down his face. As Roy turned to leave, the front door opened and Jo came out, wrapped in a towel.

"Roy, wait! I can explain!" Jo shouted.

"It's okay, I understand." Roy choked out. "He's there, I wasn't."

"Roy-" Stammered Jo.

"Honey, Don't. " Roy whispered. "The best man won, fair and square. I'll just walk away. He can adopt the kids if he wants."

"Sir, you are your children's father." The tall black haired man said, coming out behind Jo. "I will never keep them from you."

"Sir, I am no father to them. I never was. I was a father in blood only." Roy told him. "I was a father, but I wasn't a dad. A dad is there everyday for his kids. thick and thin. I wasn't there when Chris needed me the most. I let my kids down and I'm sorry. They've made it clear that they want nothing to do with me, so I will abide by that."

Jo and her boyfriend watched as Roy got in his truck and left.

After leaving the house, Roy drove to his apartment and after locking the door behind him, Roy got his photo albums and spent the rest of the day looking at pictures of his wife and family. Most of the photos were of Jo and the kids without him.

They were always without me. Even when I was there, I wasn't all there. Roy thought. All along, I had a mistress, it's called station 110. Whenever it called. I went, no questions asked. Duty always came first, never family. Now, duty is all I have left.

Closing the photo album, Roy turned on his TV set and was shocked to see his late father on the screen.

"Royal, are you just going to stand there and let your family walk away?" His father asked.

"Dad, I deserve to lose my family! I wasn't there when they needed me! I wasn't there at all!" Roy sobbed.

"Son, you must fight to get back with your family! You must earn their love and trust again! They have every right not to want you now." Charlie DeSoto said. "Son, you're just like I was, career oriented. I did the same thing as your doing now, Son, don't end up like me. When you grow old, do you want to die alone? Are those fellow fireman going to be there when you're hurt or when you carry a heavy load like a family is? Are they going to be there when you're down the way a family is?"

With that, Charlie faded from view and Roy turned off the set. Charlie's words rang in Roy's ears for a long time after he left. Roy remembered his own childhood and how, like Chris, he was neglected by his father. Charlie had been a traveling salesman and away from home alot. Harriet, Roy's mother, had been doting, buying young Roy everything he wanted and more. Harriet, however never could give her son the one thing he wanted most, his father.

To Charlie, Roy was just another mouth to feed and ignored him most of the time. Roy remembered that his father barely said so much as hello to him while he was growing up. When his father died two years ago, Roy's tears were for the relationship that he and his father never had.

I'll be damned if Chris and Jenny grow up like I did! A determined Roy thought as he left his apartment.

Minutes later, Roy arrived at his and Joanne's house with renewed determination not to end up like his father. Opening the front door with his key, Roy entered the house, quietly. He then made his way to the master bedroom, where Joanne and her lover were.

"Roy!" A suprised Joanne exclaimed.

"Okay, Loverboy, beat it!" Roy growled at the other man. "This lady is mine!"

The suprised man quickly left the bedroom, then the house. Roy then grabbed Jo and kissed her hard. Jo was suprised by Roy's determined attitude and kissed him back. As the kiss broke, Roy and Jo held each other.

"Roy, I've never seen you this way." Jo whispered. "I like what I see."

"Jo, I've had nothing but time to think. I know now that a wife and family is like a garden that has to be tended everyday. I'll be damned if I lose my family because of my selfishness! I've been running away from instead of to my family!" Roy said.

"Roy DeSoto, shut up and make love to me!" Joanne growled as she ripped her husband's shirt open, then shut the bedroom door.

*****************

The next morning, Roy and Joanne lay in bed, holding each other. Jo smiled at Roy.

"Roy, last night was wonderful." Jo purred. "You haven't made love to me like that since we married."

"Jo, I'm so sorry. I know I've been a lousy husband and father. I will always put you and the kids first from now on."

"Roy, what has happened to you?" Jo asked.

"Jo, my father appeared to me and made me realize that I was becoming just like him. He was career-oriented too. Never had time for me. I was doing the same thing to our kids." Roy replied. "It took almost losing you and myself to realize that."

"What do you mean?" Jo asked.

"Sweetheart, after you told me you wanted to separate, I slid into the bottle. I became a drunk. I left Johnny alone and drank all the time. I was in such pain. I even showed up at Rampart drunk and tried to see Chris, but Johnny stopped me. After I passed out in the elevator, Dixie McCall had me put in the jail ward. She then took Johnny to live with her and got a restraining order to keep me from going anywhere near Johnny." Roy began.

"Then what?" Jo asked, running her fingers through Roy's chest hair.

"I realized that I was the one that caused our problems and that I was the only one who could fix it. When I saw you loving that other guy, my heart broke. I knew then that you no longer had any room for me in your life, not that I could blame you."

"Roy, that's not true." Jo told him. "I only turned to Fred to make you jealous."

"You did?" A suprised Roy asked.

"Yeah, I had to get you to come back to me somehow. Roy, Don't you know how much I love and need you?" Joanne asked. "Without you, I am othing."

"Jo, It's the same way for me." Roy said. "I'm just sorry that it had to take me seeing you with Fred to see that."

"Roy, I need you and you alone." Jo told him. "I don't need anything money can buy as long as I have you and the kids. Make love to me again. I am yours, Roy DeSoto, and I always will be."

"Hon, where are the kids?" Roy asked.

"Chris and Jenny are with your Mom. Chris is doing well in rehab." Jo replied.

"Rehab?" Roy asked.

"Honey, Chris suffered some brain damage in that beating. He is now paralyzed from his waist down." Jo told him.

Roy shook his head as he started to cry. He collapsed into Jo's arms

"It's okay to cry, Honey." Jo whispered, crying with him. "It doesn't make you any less a man to do so."

"Jo, I messed up so bad!" Roy sobbed.

"Roy, you made some mistakes, that's all." Jo sobbed with him. "Together, we will fix them. We will repair our love and our family. It will just take time."

"Jo, it may be to late for Johnny. He's happy with Dixie!" Roy sobbed. "She's thinking of adopting him!"

"She's what?!" Jo exclaimed.

"She wants to adopt him. He wants it too." Roy sobbed.

"Roy, Johnny is ours. We can't let her do that! We can't let her take Johnny away from us!" Jo cried.

"Jo, I don't see there's much we can do legally. John was just our foster child. He was only living with us. We had no plans to adopt him." Roy replied. "Besides, with Chris in rehab, he needs our attention right now. Johnny may be better off with Dix, she can give him more stability then we can right now."

"Roy, does Johnny love Dixie?" Jo asked.

"Honey, he calls her Mama," Roy replied, softly. "She and Johnny have a real good bond. They love each other very much from what Dix says."

"You haven't seen him?" Jo asked.

"I can't see him. Dix filed a restraining order against me after I showed up drunk at Rampart that day." Roy replied. "I've complied with that order."

"Roy, you've cleaned yourself up. I think you should have a right to see Johnny if you wish. Why don't we go see him later on?" Jo suggested. "First though, you and I have alot to make up for."

Jo kissed her husband as they began to make love.

Later that afternoon, Roy and Joanne DeSoto made their way to Dixie's apartment. Dixie answered Roy's knock seconds later. Dix smiled at Jo but scowled at Roy.

"Dixie, we'd like to see Johnny." Jo said. "Can we see him?"

"You can, Jo, but Roy must wait outside." Dix replied.

"Dixie, Roy is not drunk now. He's been clean for six months." Jo protested. "I think the restraining order can be lifted."

"Joanne, I cannot risk Johnny's safety on a man who tomorrow could get drunk all over again. Your husband has a long way to go before he can prove he's stable enough to handle anything, much less a fifteen year old." Dix said. "Your husband in my view is mentally unstable and unreliable."

"Dixie, Roy and I have been going through a rough time with Chris and our separation." Jo argued. "It hasn't been easy for any of us!"

"Jo, come inside." Dix invited.

Joanne followed Dixie while Roy made his way back outside. Dix led Jo to Johnny's bedroom. Johnny smiled when he saw Jo.

"Hi," he whispered.

"Tell me, do I risk this beautiful child to the care of a couple who have been separated for six months and has one son in rehab?" Dixie asked. "Would you as a mother do that?"

"No, I wouldn't." Jo admitted. "In your shoes, I'd be doing the same thing. Can I talk to Johnny alone?"

Dix nodded and left. Jo then turned to Johnny.

"Johnny, how have you been? You eating good?" Jo asked.

"Mama makes sure I eat. She won't let me leave in the morning without breakfast." Johnny replied. "She makes me happy."

"Are you saying Roy and I didn't?" Jo asked.

"Jo, It always seemed that you nor Roy had time for me, particularly after Chris was beaten. I felt like a fifth wheel." Johnny replied. "I felt like I was on the rez again after Chris was hurt. Jo, I love it here with Mama and that's the truth."

Jo lowered her head to hide her tears from the boy's view. She felt that she and Roy had failed young Johnny and they lost him because of it. Jo lifted Johnny's chin and made him look at her.

"Tell me you're happy and Roy and I will leave Dixie to love you." Jo told Johnny. "Tell me you're truly happy."

"Jo, I am happy here. If feels good to have someone love me for who I am and have their undivided attention. Mama helps me with my homework, she listens to my problems, she cooks for me everynight. Most of all, she loves me." Johnny replied. "I feel her love everyday and she mine."

Dixie came in just then with a plate of homemade cookies. Jo watched as Johnny hugged Dix.

"Thank you, Mama." Johnny grinned, hugging Dixie.

Joanne watched this interaction with tears in her eyes.

Johnny loves Dixie cause she's the perfect mom! A hurt Joanne thought as she silently left the apartment.

*******************

Back at the DeSoto house, Roy dropped Joanne off then turned to leave. Joanne placed a hand on Roy's shoulder,

"Please, My love, stay. I need you. Your place is here." Jo pleaded.

"Jo, We should take this slow. I don't think I should come home just yet full time." Roy replied. "Last night was wonderful, but we still have alot to work through. We can get together Saturday if you want."

"Roy, maybe last night shouldn't have happened!" Jo yelled, then ran crying into the house. Roy just got in his truck and left for his apartment, hurt in his own heart.

***************

Back at his apartment, Roy went to prepare dinner, Jo's words ringing in his ears. When his burger was ready, Roy went to the living room and turned on the TV. As he watched the news, Roy thoughts were awhirl.

You didn't expect things to get better overnight, did you, Roy old boy? Roy thought. Saying I love you and having sex doesn't make things better. You and Jo must sit down and talk things out. It will take time.

****************

At the house, Joanne lay in her bed, sobbing.

Johnny's right, I am a bad mother. Jo thought. Johnny deserves a mother who can be there for him full time.

Jo cried herself to sleep. When she woke up, Jo saw that everything around her was in black and white. Joanne wondered where she was.

"Joanne, Dear, breakfast is ready." Jo heard a voice call.

Jo got up and went downstairs to the kitchen. When she arrived, Jo was shocked to see June Cleaver standing at her stove.

"Jo, Dear, sit down." June invited.

"Mrs. Cleaver? Am I dreaming?" Jo whispered, as she sat down at the kitchen table.

"You tell me. You're the one who summoned me." June smiled, as she served Jo a plate of eggs and bacon.

"June, am I a bad mother?" Jo asked.

"Jo, there is no such thing as a bad mother." June replied.

"Then why does Johnny want to stay with Dixie?" Jo asked. "What can she give him that I can't?"

"Jo, Johnny just wants someone to love him. He has never had a family. He's never had someone do things just for him. He's never had anyone's undivided attention. If he wants to be with Dixie, let him. It nothing against you or Roy." June said. "Dixie may just be able to give more of her time then you can." June said. "Being a mother isn't about making cookies or darning socks, it's about loving your kids and being there for them."

"That's what I'm always complaining to Roy about." Jo sighed.

"I know. I've been watching you." June replied. "I used to feel the same way about ward not spending time with Wally or Beaver. My Ward was just like your Roy, his job was always first. I yelled at him alot too."

"I'm just so afraid of what my kid's memories of their father will be when they're grown. I want them to Remember Roy as someone who was accessible to them." Jo continued. "I don't want Roy to regret not spending time with them."

"Jo, you knew what you were getting into when you married a fireman. His job is a very demanding one. The shifts are twenty-four hours long. In an inferno, even longer. Firefighting does not have fixed hours. Los Angeles County is a small department and manpower is hard to find. That's why they have alot of overtime." June told her.

"I know, but he does the maximum amount of overtime." Jo argued. "It just feels like he would prefer being on his own. He is so private, so secretive."

"Jo, are you ever receptive to Roy?" June asked.

"What do you mean?" Jo replied.

"When Roy comes in after work, how do you greet him? Do you kiss him hello? Do you ask him how his day was?" June prompted. "Do you ever let Roy be Roy?"

"Huh?" A confused Jo asked.

"It's seems to me that you try and make Roy wear a shoe that doesn't fit him. You try to make him be Prince Charming. That night when he left, what did you tell him during your fight?" June asked.

"I asked him why he couldn't be a doctor like my mom wanted." An ashamed Jo sobbed.

"You accused him of not caring about his son too." June added. "How do you think that made him feel?"

"Unwanted, unwelcome." Jo sobbed.

"That's why he buries himself in his work." June told Jo. "You've been lying to Roy about Chris and Jenny too. They are not his kids, are they?"

Jo went white as a ghost at these words.

"Jo, Christopher is the child of a man you had an affair with while Roy was in the Army. Jenny is the result of another affair isn't she?" June asked. "You've cheated on Roy several times, haven't you?"

"Yes," Jo sobbed.

Just then, Roy appeared.

"Jo, I knew the truth all along." Roy softly said. "I knew you weren't in love with me when we married. I knew the kids were not mine. You've always thought of me as a brainless geek."

Jo closed her eyes and screamed. When she opened them again, she was back in her and Roy's bed. Roy was standing over her.

"Jo, be honest. Do you really want me to stay?" Roy asked. "We both know this marriage was a fraud from the beginning. Jo, show me you really love me."

"Roy, about the affairs-" Jo began.

"Jo, you weren't the only one who cheated. I did too, with Pam Burke." Roy admitted.

"The head cheerleader at our old high school?" A shocked Jo asked.

"Yes, it was because of that that you got on the squad." Roy confessed. "She said I either did that or you didn't make the squad."

"Roy, how can we stay married after all this? We lied to each other!" Jo cried. "That's not what a marriage should be based on!"

"Honey, yes, we lied, but deep down, we really love each other." Roy whispered. "I think we can make this work. We just have to want it. Jo, I really do love you."

"Roy, I love you too." Jo whispered back as Roy claimed her mouth in a deep kiss.

*********************

The next morning, Jo woke feeling the warmth of Roy's body next to her. She snuggled closer to her husband. Roy opened his eyes and smiled at his Joanne.

"Mornin'" Roy smiled, kissing her.

"Hello, my love." Jo smiled back. "How are you this morning?"

"Great, I don't have to go to work today. I called Cap Thomas and told him I was sick." Roy laughed.

"Did he buy it?" Jo asked.

"Hook, line and sinker." Roy smiled. "My place is with you. I know that now."

"Roy, I owe you an apology. I realize now that I tried to make you be something you're not." Jo told him.

"How do you mean?" Roy asked.

"Honey, I tried to make you be Ward Cleaver. I tried to make you the perfect husband and father, that was wrong and I'm sorry." Jo explained. "I also wasn't very understanding of your pain after Chris was hurt."

"Hon, I'm not blameless in this." Roy put in. "I wasn't there when you needed me to be. I wasn't loving to you or the kids. I was so caught up in my own selfishness and my own pain that I did not see yours. I let my pain block you and the kids out. Jo, I'm so sorry."

Roy and Jo hugged each other tight as they cried. Roy then looked Joanne in the eye.

"I also told Cap Thomas that from now on, my work schedule would be on my terms and I would only work overtime if there's nobody else." Roy said.

"Good for you. Way to be assertive!" Jo cheered.

"I'm not done yet, come on." Roy said, yanking Jo from the bed.

"Where are we going?" Jo asked as they quickly dressed.

"To get our Johnny back!" Roy replied, determinedly.

Minutes later, Roy and Jo arrived at Dixie's apartment. Roy banged on the door. Dix opened it, she scowled at Roy..

"We'd like to see Johnny." Roy stated. "We'd like to take him home."

"I'm not going anywhere with you!" Young Johnny growled. coming into the living room, carrying school books. "You had your chance, Roy, but you screwed me over!"

"Johnny, we love you!" Jo pleaded.

"Yeah, sure!" Johnny growled.

"John, I'll handle this. You go on to school." Dix told him.

Johnny glared at Roy and Jo, then left for school. Dixie then turned her glare on the couple.

"Roy, I'm adopting Johnny!" Dix told him. "He wants to stay with me!"

Dix, did he say that?" Jo asked.

"Jo, you heard him." Dix answered.

"Dixie, Jo and I are getting back together. Doesn't that count for anything?" Roy asked.

"Roy, you can't be a father now and then. You of all people should know that!" Dix snapped. "You wrecked the relationship with your own flesh and blood, yet you want a relationship with a kid who isn't even yours? Roy, you need to work on winning Chris back."

"But we want Johnny in our family too." Jo put in. "Roy has been going to AA and we've been getting counseling every week."

"Jo, I know you love Roy, but you have to ask yourself and him whether all these changes are for real or just for show. He may be doing all these things just to please you!" Dix said.

"Dix, what would it take to convince you that I have changed?" A frustrated Roy asked.

"Roy, I'll tell you what, if you can stay sober for one year and get your relationship with Chris back on track, I might let you have visitation with Johnny."

"Dix-" Roy protested, but Jo stepped in.

"Roy, I think that Dix's proposal is fair." Jo said, gently. "We need to get ourselves together for the sake of our son and daughter. Let's just do what Dix wants for now, okay? Please, Roy?"

Roy could see the plea in his wife's eyes.

"Okay," Roy relented. "Anything for you."

Roy and Jo then left for Roy's apartment.

*******************

Later that night, as Joanne slept, Roy paced the apartment, Dixie's earlier words ringing in his ears. Roy felt worthless, both as a husband and a father.

Maybe my family is better off without me. Roy thought.

**************

Joanne woke up, hearing her husband's pacing. She got up from the bed and went over to Roy, wrapping her arms around him.

"Roy, things will be alright, you'll see." Jo told him. "Dix has every reason not to trust you now. Your bender at Rampart and you leaving Johnny alone didn't help! Honey, if Dix hadn't taken John, child welfare would've. At least Johnny's with someone who loves him."

"Jo, I feel like such a worthless failure. I screwed up with both Chris and Johnny, not to mention you. Jo, leave me! I'm no good for you!" Roy pleaded.

"Roy DeSoto, you look at me!" Joanne yelled.

Roy cast his tear filled eyes to to his wife.

"Roy, the only failure is not trying! Roy, have you been to see Chris at all since he's been in rehab? Have you?" Jo asked.

"No." Roy answered, softly.

"Why not?" Jo asked. "He is your son too. Don't you think he wants to see his dad?"

"Jo, I'm probably the last person Chris wants to see!" Roy argued.

"No, you're afraid to face Chris as he is now. You're afraid to confront your demons." Jo argued back. "Roy, when are you going to face things and not run away?"

"Jo, how do I know that Chris will see me?!" Roy asked. "I caused him to get hurt that day, just like I caused Ro's death. Everything I touch either winds up hurt or dead!"

"Roy, that's not true!" Jo yelled. "What happened to both Ro and Chris were accidents!"

Just as Roy was about to reply, the phone rang. Roy went into the kitchen to answer it. Minutes later, he came back.

"I gotta go to work." Roy told Joanne. "Huge structure fire downtown."

"Go." Jo said, coldly. "That's what you love, isn't it? That's all you care about, firefighting. Go, to your precious job! That way, you don't have to face me or anyone else!"

"Jo-" Roy protested.

"Roy, go on. It's calling you. Mistress one ten! You'll always be a slave to your job, just like Charlie DeSoto was! I hope that one day, when you make Engineer, Captain, Chief, whatever, you'll realize what those promotions cost you!" Jo yelled. "I hope you'll wake up and see all that's passed you by!"

Roy just stood there for a minute, then turned and left.

"Don't expect me to be here whenever you decide to come home!" Joanne called after him.

After the door shut behind Roy, Joanne grabbed her things and went over to Dixie's place across town. When Dix opened the door, she welcomed Jo with open arms.

"Jo, come in." Dix invited, softly, seeing the look on Joanne's face.

"Is Johnny here?" Jo asked, her voice breaking.

"No, I had a feeling you'd want to talk, so I sent Johnny to Kel Brackett's for the night." Dix replied. "Kel's a great guy. He and John will have alot of fun."

"Good," Jo replied, relieved. "Dixie, I don't know what to do with Roy."

"Did you two have another fight?" Dix asked.

"Roy is so damn stubborn! I tried to get him to go and see Chris." Jo sobbed.

"I take it he wouldn't." Dix replied, holding her crying friend.

"He said that he's afraid that Chris will hate him!" Jo cried.

"Jo, I think it's something else." Dix told Jo. "He can't handle the fact that with all his training, Roy couldn't help Chris and he feels guilt over that. Roy feels he failed his son." v "He feels that about Ro too." Jo sniffed.

"Who's Ro?" Dix asked.

"Royal DeSoto, Jr. Our first child." Jo sobbed. "We called him Ro for short. He died at three weeks old."

"What happened?" Dixie asked,

"I had to go to the store to get diapers and had asked Roy to give Ro his bath. Roy told me that while he was bathing Ro, the phone rang. He went to go answer it. He was only gone for a minute, but when he came back, the baby was underwater. Roy said he pulled the baby from the tub and tried to do CPR after calling the operator. The ambulance arrived five minutes later. When I got home, Roy was crying, hysterically. When he calmed down, that's when he told me what happened." Jo sobbed.

"What happened when you got to the hospital?" Dix softly asked.

"Ro was dead by the time we got there." Jo answered, sobbing harder. "When the doctor told us, Roy turned and left, crying and screaming, "I killed my son! I killed my boy!"

"I see." Dix said, sympathetically.

"For two weeks after the funeral, Roy was a zombie. He wouldn't eat, sleep or do anything. He would just sit in his den, day in, day out." Jo continued. "He slept on the couch every night and still does."

"Did you ever ask him why he wouldn't sleep with you?" Dix asked.

"I tried, but he wouldn't talk to me." Jo answered. "He became more withdrawn into himself after that. After two weeks of that, Roy was out one day, doing some shopping when he saw a recruitment poster for the LA County Fire Department and immediately applied."

"Then what?" Dix prompted.

*****************

Meanwhile, in the downtown area of LA, Roy sat resting on the bumper of squad 110. His face and hair were covered in soot as well as the rest of his body. Roy was hoarse as a result of breathing in the toxic smoke from the inferno. His eyes too burned. As Roy sat drinking his coffee, the Chief came over to him.

"DeSoto, you look beat." Chief Sorenson said.

"I am, Sir," Roy croaked.

"DeSoto, I want you to get checked out." Sorensen ordered.

"Yes, Sir," Roy replied.

"While you're at it, go see your Son." The Chief added.

Roy went to the ambulance on the scene and was taken to Rampart. After having his eyes flushed with saline and his throat examined, Roy was declared fit for duty. Leaving the treatment room, Roy then made his way to the rehabilitation floor of the hospital. Roy then approached the nurse's desk.

"I'd like to see Christopher DeSoto, Please." Roy croaked to the nurse on duty.

"Sir, visiting hours are over." The nurse replied.

"I'm his father!" Roy argued.

"Sir, I cant let you see him as filthy as you are!" The nurse said..

"It's okay, nurse. He can see Chris." A doctor said, coming over. "Come with me."

Roy followed the doctor to a room at the end of the hall. Going inside, Roy saw his son, sitting in a wheelchair.

"Hi," Roy said.

Chris sat staring out the window, not acknowledging Roy. Roy went over to Chris and knelt in front of him. Chris stared over Roy's shoulder like Roy wasn't even there.

"What do you want?" Chris hissed.

"To see you." Roy replied.

"To see if I died?" Chris replied, harshly. "Roy, why do you care now?! Where were you while I was in that coma? Where were you when that doctor told me I'd never walk again? You're only here because you feel guilty! Is your conscience bothering you, is that why you're here?!"

"Chris-" Roy pleaded, only to be cut off.

"Look, I don't need you or your guilt, so go on back to 110's!" Chris hissed. "Go on back to your fellow fireman! Pour your guilt on them!"

"Son, I know I wasn't there when you needed me." Roy replied. "I'm here now though."

"Too little, too late!" Chris hissed. "Why don't you just leave me and my mom alone like you have before?!"

"No!" Roy hissed. "I'm your father! I won't leave you alone! Dammit, you're my son!"

"Sure," Chris laughed. "What will happen next time something happens? Will you run away again?! Just go away, you worthless piece of garbage!"

Roy flinched, those words piercing his heart. As Roy got up from the floor, tears left streaks in the soot on his face. Those hurtful words were all that Roy could hear as he left his son's room, then Rampart. As Roy boarded the ambulance to go back to the fire, he sobbed, quietly.

As soon as the ambulance arrived back at the inferno, Roy went to squad 110 and put on an SCBA. Chief Sorensen came over to Roy.

"How did the visit with your son go?" The Chief asked.

"Lousy," a depressed Roy croaked. "He called me a worthless piece of garbage."

"DeSoto, I know that must've hurt." The Chief said, gently. "Just give him time. He's just angry. He has alot to deal with too."

"I don't blame him for being angry. I let him down." Roy croaked.

"Roy, being a father is never easy. Take it from a guy with five kids." The Chief told him. "Listen, the fire is almost out, why don't you go home?"

"I'd just be going home to an empty apartment." Roy replied, flatly.

"Roy, go home. Have a good night's sleep. You'll feel a whole lot better." Sorensen said.

"Yes, Sir." Roy replied. "I think I'm going to see the department shrink in the morning."

"I think that's a good idea." The Chief agreed. "You need to talk to someone about this."

With that, Roy took off his gear and put it on the engine. He then got into his truck and headed for home.

When Roy got to his apartment, he went straight to bed without even bothering to shower and fell into a deep, dreamless sleep. The next morning, Roy went to the office of the department psychiatrist. Roy sat down across from the doctor.

"You're not comfortable being here, are you?" The Doc asked.

"I just don't feel it's right telling my problems to a stranger." Roy replied.

"Don't think of me as a doctor but as a friend." The Doc smiled. "Just feel free to tell me anything. Anything said here stays between us."

Roy sighed as he began to speak.

"My career is going along great, but my personal life stinks!" Roy began. "I think my wife is going to divorce me, my son hates me."

"Why do you that?" The Doc asked.

"My wife and I have been having problems, since my son's accident six months ago." Roy replied. "She hates me because I haven't been there for Chris. I've been so caught up in my own self-pity."

"Roy, I'm sure your wife does not hate you." The Doc reassured him. "Are you sure that your perceptions aren't clouded by guilt over the death of Royal, Jr and Christopher's accident?"

Tears rolled down Roy's face as the answer hit him.

"I killed my son!" Roy sobbed. "I killed my baby boy!"

"Roy, look at me. What happened to Royal, Jr. was an accident!" The Doc told him. "You did all you could that day!"

"No! I left my son alone in the tub that day! No responsible parent does that!" Roy sobbed.

"Roy, how old were you when Ro was born?" The Doc asked.

"I was twenty-one, Jo was twenty. Why?" Roy asked.

"He was your first child?" The Doc asked.

"Yeah," Roy sniffed.

"Roy, when it's your first child, there's alot you don't know. You're ill-prepared for parenthood." The Doc soothed. "You and Jo were no different, I'm sure. You both were barely children yourselves."

"Still, I should've known better then to try to bathe Ro without Joanne there!" Roy sniffed. "I didn't know how to bathe an infant!"

"Jo asked you to do it, didn't she?" The Doc asked.

"Yeah, so what?" Roy answered.

"She wanted you to share in your son's care. Any Mom does. Moms need help from dads. They can't do it alone, Roy." The Doc said. "It's alot to ask anyone to handle two kids alone all the time. She has to also handle a fifteen year old foster child alone, that's too much for anyone."

"Doc, I gotta work!" Roy argued. "I gotta support my family!"

"Roy, you work alot of extra shifts, don't you?" The Doc asked.

"Yeah." Roy admitted.

"How many do you work a week?" The Doc asked. "Give me a guess."

"I don't know. Two, maybe three a week." Roy answered.

"Roy, do you think that you could cut it back to one a week?" The Doc suggested. "Do you think that Captain Thomas would allow you some leave to be with Christopher? He knows that he was injured, right?"

"Doc, Chris wants nothing to do with me!" Roy sobbed.

"Let's see if we can't change that." The Doc replied, soothingly. "Roy, when you go home later, I want you to sit down and write Chris a note. Say what's in your heart. Say what you can't tell him to his face."

"Doc, this is a waste of time." Roy said, starting to rise. "I'm no good at that kind of stuff!"

"Roy, how do you know unless you try?" The Doc asked. "You have to start somewhere with Chris. I also want you to start visiting Chris regularly at rehab. Even if he won't talk to you, at least he'll know you're there."

"Doc, I don't think that's a good idea. Chris might not want me there." Roy worried.

"Roy, he may not now, but he has to know you care enough to be there." The Doc replied. "He'll come around if he knows you really care about him."

"Okay, Doc, I'll do it." Roy grinned. "I think I'll also visit Ro's grave."

"Roy, I want you to focus entirely on you now. I want you to have no contact with Joanne for the time being. You need to know what you want from you before you can know what you want from Jo or anyone else."

"Doc, I love her and I want to work things out!" Roy protested.

"She may not be ready to do that just now. I want you both to be apart for awhile so she too can resolve her issues. You can't do that together, it would just create more hostility then there already is."

"DAMMIT, DOC!!!! HOW DARE YOU TELL ME TO STAY AWAY FROM MY WIFE!!!!" Roy yelled. "I NEED HER!!!!"

"Need her or depend on her?" The Doc asked, point blank.

"What's that supposed to mean?!" Roy demanded.

"I think you know what I mean! You're a Mama's boy! You always want someone to take care of you!" The Doc replied. "Roy, tell me, have you ever cooked a meal for yourself or done your own laundry? Have you ever done your own dishes or shopped for your own food and clothes?"

"No," Roy softly admitted. "Are you saying that I want Jo to be a mommy to me instead of a wife?"

"What do you think?" The Doc asked as he took notes.

"Doc, I love Jo." Roy replied. "She's my wife. Aren't husbands supposed to love their wives?"

"That's not what I asked you." The Doc replied.

"THEN WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN??!!!" A frustrated Roy screamed.

"Why so upset?" The Doc demanded. "Why are you yelling?!"

"Because you're not listening to me!!!" Roy hissed.

"Are you saying anything worth listening to?!" The Doc countered. "Are you listening to how you sound?"

Roy stopped, suddenly realizing how childish he sounded.

"I sound just like a little kid." Roy realized. "A little kid throwing a temper tantrum."

"Exactly! How do you think Jo feels when you are around?" The Doc asked his patient. "I bet she feels like she has three kids instead of just two, don't you?"

"Two are little and one is full grown." Roy finished. "Just like a little boy, I run away when I don't get my way. The difference is, I run to my job instead of the circus."

"Why can't you see your job as that? A job? When you leave that station, why can't you leave Roy the fireman behind so your family can have Roy the husband and father?" The Doc asked. "Don't you think they deserve a father who is all there, body and mind?"

Roy thought it over.

"Doc, being a fireman is who I am." Roy replied.

"Roy, there is more to life then firefighting. What would you do if you could no longer be a fireman? What would you do if you could no longer do that? What would you do if you could no longer fight fires?"

"I'd still have my family." Roy answered.

"How do you know that? What if they gave up on you ever being there for them? A person can only take so much, kids even less. They may move on without you and you'd be left with nothing.

**************

Joanne, meanwhile, was writing a note to Roy, telling him her feelings.

Royal,

I'm writing this note to say that I'm taking the kids on a long vacation. I do not know when we'll return. Roy, our lives will go on whether you're with us or not. Our world will not fall if you aren't here.

Roy, I now realize that I don't need you to be happy, that I can have a life without you, so can the kids. I hope that one day you'll look back and see the family you lost. You are like your father in that respect, so blinded by his ambition he doesn't see the people in his shadow trying to keep up.

Roy, This is not a divorce, just a separation. Maybe we've outgrown each other, who knows? All I know is that we need to live separate lives for awhile. I feel like we've been living this codependent lie, both so entangled in each other that we each lost ourselves. I hope that by being far apart, we can find ourselves again.

Roy, feel free to see and even sleep with other people if you want. I won't be mad. God bless you in whatever you do.

I wish you the best,

Love, Joanne

PS, Please hold on to this wedding band, Maybe soon, I can proudly wear it again.

Jo took the ring and placed it in the envelope, along with the note and mailed it to Roy. She then got into the driver's side of her station wagon and left with her kids for points unknown.

*****************

Later that day, when Roy got home to his apartment, he saw Joanne's letter among his mail. As he opened the letter, his hands shook.

This is it, the end of my marriage and my life. Roy thought.

As Roy read the note, tears filled his eyes as it hit him that the love of his life was really gone and that this time there was no getting her back.

"NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" Roy cried in anguish. "NNNNNNOOOOOOO!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

Roy's screams then turned to anguished sobs as he sank to his knees, his heart breaking. Roy felt his world slipping away from him at this moment. The lady next to him heard the sobs and ran over to check on him. When she got there, she saw Jo's note and a crying Roy and called Captain Thomas, whom Roy had earlier told her to call in case of emergency. Cap Thomas rushed right over. After thanking the neighbor, Cap Thomas gathered a crying Roy into his arms.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Roy kept crying over and over as Cap held him.

All Captain Fred Thomas could do was hold Roy as he cried, the sobs racking his body. Fred had no idea how to comfort his distraught fireman, so held just held him until Roy cried himself to sleep some hours later. After tucking Roy into his bed, Thomas called headquarters and had both himself and Roy put on administrative leave. Thomas decided he was going to take Roy far away from LA and his troubles.

DeSoto needs a friend right now and it's going to be me! Fred decided. Johnny Gage is gonna come too! I'll be damned if I let nurse what's her name keep Roy away from his foster child one more minute of one more day!

Fred picked up the phone and called Child Welfare. After Cap Thomas agreed to keep a close eye on Roy, the case worker went to a judge and had custody of Johnny given back to Roy, where she felt it belonged to begin with. The next morning, Dixie, albeit reluctantly, dropped young Johnny at 110's to meet Roy. As she left, it was with tears in her eyes.

When Roy saw Johnny, he grinned from ear to ear as they ran to greet each other. Roy enveloped the teenager in a bear hug. Johnny hugged him just as tightly as they both cried tears of joy.

"Cap, How?" A happy Roy sniffed.

"Does it matter, DeSoto?" Thomas replied, wiping his own tears. "Does it really matter?"

"No, Sir." Roy grinned. "All that matters is right in front of me. John Roderick Gage, I want you to know you mean the world to me. I know I haven't been there for you as of late, but I'm here now."

"Roy, it's never too late for love and forgiveness." Johnny replied. "I'm glad to be here now. I love Dixie, but she can't be a dad to me. You can. I love you, Royal DeSoto."

"And I you, Johnny Gage." Roy said, kissing the boy's forehead. "What do you say you and I get away from this city? We'll travel and see the good old USA together every state, every city. Anywhere you want to go."

"Roy, what about school?" Johnny asked.

"What better school is there then the road with me as your teacher?" Roy replied. "I was gonna be a teacher before I became a fireman. I have my teaching certificate so I can see to your lessons. I'll even get you some school books."

"Then yes, let's go." Johnny grinned. "What about Joanne?"

"Son, that's up to her. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it." Roy replied. "Right now, I just wanna be with you."

"Then you can be with him right here! You're not taking Johnny anywhere except to school and any place in LA!" Dix told him. "John is a ward of the state and cannot be taken out of the state without special permission, that's the law!"

"Dix-" Roy argued.

"John, I believe you have homework to do. Go to the kitchen and get started." Dix ordered.

"Yes, Ma'am," Johnny sighed, heading toward the kitchen.

Once he was gone, Dix turned to Roy.

"Royal DeSoto, what were you thinking?" Dix demanded. "You think you can raise a kid on the road?"

"Dix, I haven't seen John in over six months! I thought he and I could get to know each other again as we travel. What are you doing back here anyway?" Roy asked.

"Roy, leaving you alone with Johnny scares the hell out of me, so this is what were gonna do. You are gonna move in with me and Johnny. I have more then enough room at my place. This way, I can be sure Johnny has a stable environment." Dix told Roy. "That's what a child needs, stability and routine."

"Are you saying that I'm not stable?" Roy asked.

"Roy, you can't even do your own laundry, much less cook a meal! Kids need someone who can do those things for them." Dix replied. "They also need a clean, stable home not that pigsty you call an apartment!"

"Dixie's right, Roy. Your apartment is a mess and so are you." Cap Thomas put in. "You want that young man in there to live in filth and cockroaches?"

"Hey! My place isn't that bad!" Roy yelled.

"Roy, there are roaches in your bed." Fred laughed. "That fridge of yours looks like a science lab with all the moldy food. When was the last time you did laundry? Even Alice from the Brady Bunch couldn't clean that place."

"Alright, so I'm not Mr. Clean!" Roy defended himself. "Joanne always did all that!"

"Joanne's gone now, Roy. You either have to hire a maid or learn how to clean a house. I think the latter's a more practical option, don't you?" Dix asked.

************************

Over the next two weeks, Roy DeSoto adjusted to his new life with Dix and Johnny. Roy was gradually learning to do all the things that Joanne used to do for him. Laundry was the hardest for him to learn. Roy could not get used to the idea of sorting clothes by color and as a result, went to work in pink T-shirts and briefs on more the one occasion.

The other guys at 110's stayed away from Roy, fearing that they may say or do something to upset him. Being single, the other guys, with the exception of Cap Thomas, had no idea how to help their colleague through his separation from his wife.

Despite the happy exterior Roy showed to his friends, inside his heart and his spirit were broken. Without his family, Roy was unhappy and adrift. Dixie was not much of a comfort for she was rarely home with all the overtime she put in at Rampart.

Young Johnny had taken a part-time job at Burger King and was rarely home before nine on school nights and on weekends before midnight. Roy struggled through his loneliness alone. Roy was trying to build a life without Jo or his kids.

I guess you don't know what you had til it's gone. Roy thought as he changed into uniform for his shift one day a month after Joanne had left. Roy cried for his lost family as he buttoned his shirt. He missed them all deeply, especially Chris.

Chris, I'm so sorry! If only I could see you now! If only I could touch you and hold you! Oh, just to get a letter from you would make me happy! If only I could do things over, you would come first and foremost in my life! Roy thought, regret filling his heart.

****************

The next morning, Roy arrived home to find Dixie cooking breakfast on a rare day off for her.

"Hi," She greeted a tired Roy.

"Hi." Roy mumbled as he sat down at her kitchen table.

"Is something wrong?" Dixie asked, serving Roy a plate of eggs and bacon.

"I was just thinking of my wife and kids." Roy sadly replied. "Dix, why does it take losing something before you finally appreciate it? Was I so blind to how much Jo and the kids needed me? Did I so take for granted that they would always be there? Dix, was I so unfeeling toward the needs of my Christopher that I couldn't or wouldn't feel his pain?"

Dixie silently listened as Roy continued.

"Maybe Jo was right when she said I have no room for anyone or anything else but my job." Roy sobbed. "I'm just a self-centered jackass!"

"No, Roy, you're just a man who spreads himself too thin." Dix told him. "You're a man who doesn't make time to be with those he loves. When was the last time you spent a full day with Chris and Jennifer? When was the last time your wife and kids had your undivided attention? When was the last time you and Chris had a father/son talk?"

"I don't know that we ever did!" Roy sobbed. "I was always to busy or too tired or too something else!"

"When was the last time you made love to Joanne or had a romantic dinner together? When was the last time you bought her a rose or called her from work?" Dix asked. "When was the last time you did something around the house without being asked?"

"I never did any of those things unless it was a special occasion!" Roy sobbed even harder. "What a lousy husband I am! Everytime Jo and I had a fight, I was always trying to make up with her with roses, chocolates, or some clumsy gesture! I told Jo I loved her everyday, but I never showed it with actions!"

"Actions says alot more then words ever will." Dix whispered.

"I also made alot of promises I never kept. I'd promise this and that, but it would never happen! I'd tell Chris I'd be at this game or that scout meeting or Jenny at some ballet recital, but I never was! I'd do the same thing to Joanne by telling her I'd make it to that PTA meeting or this bake sale!"

"And?" Dixie prompted.

"And, I just never made it!" Roy sobbed. "Something always came up or I had some excuse! I'm tired or I have a headache!"

"Sounds like you were full of excuses for not doing things with your family." Dix agreed. "Seems like you weren't interested in them at all."

"I guess it must've seemed that way to them." Roy realized. "I don't think we've even had a family picture made since the kids were born! I have no recent photo of my kids other then their school photos or at Christmas or on birthdays, most of which I missed because of work!"

"You've missed alot." Dix nodded.

"I've missed so many milestones! Chris's first word, Jenny's first tooth, their first steps, first days of school! Things that will never happen again!" Roy sobbed on Dix's shoulder. "Kids grow so fast!"

"Roy, yes they do." Dix agreed.

"My Jenny's school play is next week and I'm not sure Jo wants me there." Roy wailed. "I found out through mutual friends she's staying at her mom's!"

"Roy, go anyway! You don't have to sit with Joanne! Go for your daughter!" Dix told him. "She'll be happy that you cared enough to go!"

"You really think so?" Roy sniffed.

Yes, Roy! Jennifer Lynne is your daughter too, not just Jo's!" Dix replied, firmly. "You have to start being more assertive with your rights!"

When the night of the play came, Roy dressed impeccably in a shirt and tie and put gel in his sandy hair to comb over the bald spot. That done he applies some cologne and put on a tan sports jacket. Leaving the house he shared with Dixie, Roy arrived at the school auditorium about seven, thirty minutes before the play was to start. As he took a seat in the very back, a suprised Joanne came over.

"Roy, what are you doing here?" She asked.

"This is my daughter's debut as an actress. Where else would I be?" Roy nervously replied.

"I'm glad you came. Jenny will be so thrilled." Jo smiled. "How've you been?"

"I've been okay." Roy lied, not wanting to let on how much he missed his family. "You?"

"Okay." Jo replied, not wanting to tell Roy how much she missed him. "Johnny okay?"

"He has a part-time job at Burger King now, makes minimum wage." Roy replied. "How's Chris?"

"Why don't you ask me yourself?!" Christopher DeSoto sneered, coming over to his dad in his wheelchair. "You've got your nerve, coming here uninvited!!! You have a screw loose or something?!!! You playin' with a full deck, Royal?!"

"Chris, that is enough!" Jo hissed. "Your dad has as much right to be here as we do and I won't have you speaking to him that way!"

"Jo, it's okay. I deserve it." Roy whispered, hanging his head.

"Roy, you look at me!" Jo commanded as Chris wheeled away.

Roy looked into his wife's eyes for the first time in a month.

"We may have our problems, but that doesn't mean you can't be a part of our children's lives." Jo told him. "You can attend any of the kid's events you want. You are their father as far as I'm concerned."

Tears of happiness welled up in Roy's eyes at these words. Twelve year-old Jenny came running over just then.

"Daddy!" The girl yelled happily, flinging her arms around Roy's neck.

"Hi, Princess, how's my girl been?" Roy smiled as his daughter planted a kiss on his cheek.

Chris watched from a distance, hatred of his father filling his core. Roy caught Chris glaring at him and ignored it.

Tonight's for Jenny and I'll be damned if Chris spoils it for her and I! Roy thought.

"Daddy, after the play, can we go for ice cream?" An excited Jenny asked, bouncing in her father's lap.

Roy looked at Jo.

"I don't see why not." Jo smiled, knowing that from the time her daughter could eat, she and Roy always went for ice cream together once a week, it was their time, just the two of them "You'd better go get into your costume now, Sweetie."

"Okay, Mommy," Jenny smiled as she climbed off Roy's lap.

Roy gave his daughter a kiss.

"Good luck, Jenny. Break a leg." Roy said.

"Thanks, Daddy." Jenny replied, then ran to join her classmates backstage.

Later, after the play and the promised ice cream, Roy dropped Jennifer off at his mother-in-law's house, where Jo and the kids were staying. Jenny kissed her dad good-bye as Joanne watched through a window from inside.

"Bye, Daddy." Jenny said as she got out of Roy's truck.

"Bye, Honey, see you soon." Roy smiled through his tears as he closed the passenger side door.

As Jenny went into the house, Jo came out to talk to Roy.

"Did you and our daughter have fun?" Jo smiled.

"We sure did." Roy replied, trying to hide his tears.

"Roy, how would you like to take Jenny for the weekend?" Joanne asked. "She really wants to spend time with you."

"Jo, hold on a minute. I don't know what my work schedule is like for the weekend. The schedule hasn't come out yet and I don't want to make another promise that I may not be able to keep." Roy told his wife. "I don't want to let Jenny down one more time."

Jo nodded, understandingly. She was seeing Roy changing before her very eyes.

"I appreciate that, Royal." Joanne told him. "You don't want to promise our kids anything that you may not be able to deliver. Will you call me when you know for sure?"

"I will." Roy promised as a tall dark haired man came over to Jo and Roy as the were talking.

"This must be Royal." The man said, extending his hand.

"Roy, this is Lawrence Askew, the man I've been seeing. Larry, this is Roy." Jo introduced.

"Nice to meet you." Both men said together as they shook hands.

"Well, I gotta be going." Roy stammered, uncomfortably.

"Call me about this weekend." Jo reminded Roy as he drove away.

As Roy drove back to Dixie's, his thoughts were awhirl.

So, Joanne's got her a boyfriend. How does that make you feel, Roy? Roy thought to himself. So what? You did say it was okay to see other people, Jo should have that right. She can have an affair if she wants, so can you. You really should start dating.

part 55 soon