Title: Beer and Sympathy

Author: Moonloon

Fandom: Andromeda/Farscape

Rating: NC17

Pairing: Harper/Crichton

Disclaimer: Nope I don't own them; I just borrow them, do naughty things to them, and then put them back dazed and confused.

Notes: I was LMAO at a thread about what flavour push pop the Andromeda crew would taste like when someone mentioned a list of the men they'd like to lick. John Crichton was one of the names and my slash instincts kicked in...

As you can see I'm still in the post-epic silly phase. Unless you count the Cupid/Strife fic I did that had Tribbles in it, this is my first ever crossover fic. Wheee!

Beer and Sympathy
By Moonloon

"Harper! What in the name of the Vedran Empress do you think you are doing?" Holo-Rommie glared at Harper who was tinkering with the tesseract generator. "You can't turn that on!"

"Not to worry Rom-doll: I've made some modifications."

"Let me re-phrase that. You are *not* turning that on!"

Harper looked annoyed. "You know, for a hot babe you really are a wet blanket. All I'm going to do is open up a tiny little portal in the space-time continuum, poke my head through and come back. Okay?"

"No it's not okay Harper, that thing almost destroyed Sintii, remember? A whole planet."

"I said I'd done some modifications." Harper smiled sweetly and flicked the generator on. Six feet behind him a portal opened up showing a sleazy looking bar. "Oh man, this is so cool. I get a bar on my first try."

"Harper you are not using tesseract technology to go bar-hopping."

"Y'know, I wasn't going to; but now I think a nice cold drink is just what I need." Harper pocketed a small remote control and stepped through the portal. "Huh, women."

"I hear ya." Harper looked over to see a slightly drunken man in a long black coat slumped against the bar. "Can't live with them, can't chop them up into handy pocket-sized pieces."

"Uh, okay." Harper stood at the bar and suddenly realised he didn't have any money with him. "Damn."

"Let me buy you a beer friend. Since we're both here with women trouble. The name's John Crichton. Most people just call me Crichton."

"Harper. A beer sounds good, I forgot my wallet."

"You've heard of beer? I didn't think they had beer in this part of space."

"Uh, I'm not from this part of space."

"Me either. Barkeep! A mug of whatever the hell the yellow stuff is for my friend Harper here."

"Thanks. So what women troubles have you got?"

"A bolshy brunette who thinks she's smarter than me, tougher than me and knows better than me. How about you?"

Harper downed the near-beer and laughed, "Pretty much the same. Wow, some kick in that yellow stuff."

"Yeah, I've only had one and I'm feeling no pain."

"So what do two guys who like beer and have women troubles do around here?"

Crichton moved closer. "Get drunk and find a nice dark alleyway?"

Harper downed the rest of his drink and grinned up at Crichton, "Sounds good to me."

Harper and Crichton stumbled out of the bar and found a secluded corner around the back of the building. Harper grabbed Crichton's belt and pulled him in for a kiss. "Mmm nice, so what's up with this babe?"

"Oh, the usual, she won't have sex with me." Crichton pulled Harper's shirt up and pinched a nipple before licking Harper's neck.

"Oh I know that one. Rommie thinks I'm sex-obsessed. Well, of course I am when I'm not getting any!" Harper unfastened Crichton's belt and slipped one hand in.

"What's that?" Crichton asked, tonguing Harper's dataport.

"Ummm, guh! A sensitive spot. A neural interface, the only way I get inside Rommie."

"Cyber sex?" Crichton started on Harper's pants.

"Jeeze, I wish. No she's a warship."

"A ship? A Leviathan? Dude, that is just *wrong*!" Crichton pulled back a little, but didn't take his hand off Harper's cock.

"A Leviathan? What the Hell's a Leviathan? Rommie is a Glorious Heritage class warship, with a really, really hot avatar." Harper tugged Crichton's pants down to his knees.

"Ah, that's okay then," Crichton said, returning the favour.

"I built her, the avatar I mean." Harper pushed up against Crichton who whimpered as their cocks came into contact with each other. "Do I get any gratitude at all? No, just get 'did you wear gloves?' and 'why did you make me so pouty?' All I ask is for a little appreciation y'know?"

"Do you ever shut up, Harper?"

"Only when my mouth is full."

"Is that an offer?"

"Could be," Harper humped against Crichton, "Although what I'd really like would be a bit more.invasive?"

"I can be invasive, if that's what you mean," Crichton said, running his fingers down Harper's ass-crack.

"Mmmm, yeah, that's what I mean."

"I don't have any lube."

"Fuck! Oh wait, my tool belt." Harper dropped to the ground and rummaged through his belt, Crichton's cock warm against his face. "Yes! All purpose lubricating gel. I knew this would come in handy." Harper squirted a generous amount onto his hand and stroked it over Crichton's cock.

"Oh Frell!"

"Is that good?"

"It's frelling *cold*!"

Harper stood up. "It can't be that cold: it was in my belt you big baby."

Crichton took the tube from Harper and slicked up his fingers. "Lets see, shall we?"

"Oh! Yeah, I see what you mea..Ooooooooooh." Harper groaned as Crichton slid two fingers into him and started to stretch him open.

"Man, I haven't done this for so long."

"Got laid? You'd better not come too quickly. Urrrrrrghhhh."

Crichton snickered, "I'll last longer than you. Are you always this responsive?"

"Oh fuck, now! Do it now!"

Harper turned around and braced himself against the wall, his ass bared and ready. Crichton groaned and lined up, pushing slowly in. "Oh yeah, now *this* is why cruising bars at the sleazy end of town is a good idea."

Harper pushed back and everything settled into a hard, fast rhythm. Crichton snaked one hand around to pump Harper's cock and Harper clamped down on Crichton's. Harper moaned loudly and came over the wall and Crichton's hand. Crichton thrust once more and came too; he let out a low groan and leaned forwards, his head resting on Harper's back.

"Crichton, what are you doing to that little man?"

"Oh crap," Crichton murmured. "Nothing Aeryn, just.an old Earth custom." Crichton's coat was large enough to cover them both and it was rather dark in the alley, they might get away with that.

"Anal intercourse is an old Earth custom?"

"Rommie? What are you doing here?" Harper made a grab for his pants and tugged them up. Crichton yelped as his softening cock popped out of Harper's ass.

"I came to make sure you weren't getting into any trouble," Rommie said, frowning.

Aeryn turned to Rommie. "I think you were a little late."

"Five minutes too early damn it," Harper muttered.

Crichton whispered, "They keep us on a damn short leash considering they aren't putting out. Just blame it all on the yellow stuff: it's what I always do."

"I heard that," Rommie and Aeryn said together.

"Oh man, we are *so* busted," Harper groaned, fastening his tool belt.

Crichton glanced over at the two women and grinned. "And whipped, don't forget whipped."

Harper grinned back. "Yeah."

"We both have great taste."

"Yeah, you don't suppose they'd."

"NO!" Rommie and Aeryn shouted together.

<><><><><>

Epilogue

"Rommie, where's my tesseract generator?"

"I'm not sure, it's probably under a pile of Sparky cans somewhere."

"I left it on this work bench, you didn't move it did you?"

"Why would I do something like that?"

"To prevent me getting any, so I'd be your pitiful grovelling slave forever."

"Hmm, that *would* be a good reason for me to take it, but it wasn't me."

<><><><><>

"Hi, nice cleavage."

"Thanks, yours is rather attractive too, drink?"

"I'll have the yellow stuff, thanks. I'm Trance, by the way."

"Chiana."



The End.

Andromeda Uncovered http://www.anzwers.org/free/andromeda/
Moonloon's Slash Page: http://www.geocities.com/maryavatar/
Twilight Slide: http://www.sphosting.com/vesper/