Title: Past, Present, Future

Author: Epiphany

Rating: PG13

Archive: If I sent it to you, it's yours

Disclaimer: I don't own Trance and Beka. I don't own the Maru either. Where on earth would I put them?

Summary: Trance realises by changing her past she may have lost something important

"Trance?" Beka slipped out of her bunk on the Maru and padded out of the crew quarters towards the cockpit. "Trance, is that you?"

"Yes, it’s me Beka. How did you know?"

"Trance, we’ve known each other for three years, I know your footsteps. No matter how many years in the future you come from, that’s not likely to change."

Trance smiled sadly. "So much else has."

Beka saw that Trance was out of her armoured leather outfit and was wearing a soft knee-length nightgown. "Did you want to stay here tonight? There’s plenty of room."

"Thanks."

"Is there something wrong? You look a bit down."

"I was just remembering. My past, except it’s not the past, it’s the present. Only…it’s not the present either. I feel as if I’ve lost something."

"Lost what?"

Trance sighed and shrugged. "It’s nothing really. My past is the same as it’s ever been, it’s everyone else’s past I’m trying to change."

"You aren’t making much sense."

"Sorry."

"Don’t be. Sometimes we all need to get a little incoherent. Get it all off your chest. C’mon, I’ll make hot chocolate."

Trance grinned, her old pixie self surfacing for a moment. "That would be nice."

Beka headed to the galley and heated up some milk. "So what went wrong?"

"Wrong?"

"To make you so sad."

Trance sat down and picked at a scratch in the tabletop. "Nothing went wrong: it all went right."

"Isn’t that a good thing?" Beka asked, placing a mug of chocolate in front of Trance.

Trance sighed, picked up the mug and studied the contents. "In my timeline…at this point, you and I were the only ones left."

"What?" Beka sat down and sipped her drink.

"We’d already lost Harper to the Magog, and then we lost Tyr a few weeks later. Tyr had been the one to…prevent the Magog hatching in Harper and he took it hard. He became reckless. Dylan and Rommie were killed by the Cetus. You were injured. It was a very bad time."

"God!"

Trance’s mouth twisted into a bitter little smile. "But now the only place where that happened is in my mind. Everything I lived through doesn’t exist any more."

"That’s a good thing surely?" Beka reached out and squeezed Trance’s hand.

"Yes, good for everyone. Still, there are things that happened that weren’t bad: good memories and it hurts to know they never really happened. I was a child, an innocent. I can’t do what I did then to make it all better. Even if I could, I don’t need to, because there’s nothing to heal."

They sat in silence for a while, sipping their drinks. Beka was confused and Trance still looked so sad.

"How badly was I hurt?"

"Badly. It took all my skill to pull you through. Afterwards, you were never quite the same. You…took flash again. I’m sorry, you were hurting emotionally and I didn’t know what to do."

"But you helped me?"

"Eventually. We became lovers Beka. That’s how I got you to want to live after we lost everyone."

"Lovers?" Beka looked shocked. "We were lovers?"

"Yes, we were both hurting, I could only see darkness ahead and you could only see the flash. We came together and started to heal each other. It was comforting while it lasted."

"It didn’t last?"

"No. I grew up and you became strong again. We stayed friends, but we both changed. I changed. I’m more than I was before."

"I’d noticed."

"And now it never happened. The hurt isn’t there to heal, I’m too different and you’re still the young Beka, the beautiful Beka who is strong and doesn’t need me."

Beka squeezed Trance’s hand. "I’ll always need you, Trance."

"It’s not the same."

"No, it’s not: you’re gold and I’m not on flash. The circumstances are different, but the feelings are the same. I do love you Trance."

"I love you too." Trance placed a chaste kiss on Beka’s lips. I always will. You were my first love, Beka. No one ever forgets their first love. You’ll always have a special place in my heart."

"You would be a first for me too: I’ve never taken a female lover."

Trance smiled. "I know."

"You know so much more about me, that’s unfair. Show me?" Beka looked down into her cup, afraid to look up.

Trance’s fingers curled under Beka’s chin, lifting her head up gently. "I’ve grown up. I can’t go back to that sweet innocent who shared kisses and soft words."

"Please, just for tonight. Stay here and know that what we had in your timeline was real whether it really happened or not." Beka stood up and walked to the doorway. "I’ll be in my bunk," she called back as he left the room.

Trance paused, then picked up the empty mugs and placed them in the sink.

"A perfect possible future? It might not be possible at all."

Trance walked towards the crew quarters. "I’ll settle for a perfect possible present."

The End