Reversed Roles 2: Return to Sunnydale

by shara_nesu

sharanesu@yahoo.co.uk

Series: Reversed Roles

Summary: Angel goes to Sunnydale to fight a hell demon, but ends up facing his past and not in a nice way - as he is betrayed by the one he loves.

Website: www.sharanesu.supanet.com


Reversed Roles 2: Return to Sunnydale
by shara_nesu

Spike’s POV:

“I’m not going.”

What did he just say?

“What do you mean you’re not going? I just had a vision. You have to go!” Cordelia’s looking at Angel as if he has grown a third eye. Angel just stands there, defiant, with his arms crossed.

“I’m not going,” he says again. This time with an added growl.

“Cordelia’s right, Angel,” lectures Wesley. “The powers would only send her a vision if they needed you to be there. Therefore it must be important, so you have to go.”

“No.”

Angel’s getting his hung puppy dog look again. Yet, I can tell it’s not going to change their minds this time.

“Spike!” Whines Cordelia, finally bringing me into the conversation. “Tell him he has to go. He’s your Childe.”

Only when it suits her does she recognise that little fact. Other times she’s moaning at Angel to stop me doing things. Like: Tell him to turn his music down, make him stop giving me a full run down on how you had sex last night, and no I won’t sleep with him.

“I am not going!” Angel reiterates.

“Angel you have to go. Buffy needs your help. If my vision was right, someone is trying to raise some hell demon to destroy everything. This is end of the world stuff Angel! You can’t say no!”

“Yes I can. And I’m not.”

I roll my eyes at him. Anyone would think that they are asking him to run naked in the streets or some thing. Humm.. Nice image. It’s only a little trip to Sunnydale. Stop the big bad demon from rising then come home again. You would think it’s the end of the world...Oh, Cordelia did say that, but it’s not like he’s going to have to make friends with Xander now, is it?.

“Spiiikee.” Cordelia whines again. “Make him.”

“Angel luv, maybe it’s...”

Angel finally blows his lid and turns to me. His eyes flash golden with his anger and he bares his fangs as he shouts. “No! Don’t you dare tell me to go. I won’t! I am not going to Sunnydale ever again. Nothing you can do can make me. I won’t..”

That’s enough Childe! I fly across the room at Angel and pin him to the desk. He struggles and his fangs snap at my throat.

“Wes, Cordelia, I need some time with my Childe.” I say it calmly and in seconds I hear them slam the office door as they make a quick exit. Angel still tries to struggle and bucks beneath me. Ever since I became his Sire I now have the superior strength. Guess taking Angel’s strong master vampire blood changed me somehow. Or maybe it was providence to make sure I could control him. I refuse to move and after a moment he calms a bit.

“Now Angel - Tell me what the hell’s wrong with you!” My Childe’s large brown eyes look up into mine. To my ultimate surprise they are filled with pain. Then anger. Angel increases his struggles. His face shifts again and he sinks his fangs into my throat. His actions make me see red. He never bites me without permission. I roar at him and grabbing a hand-full of hair yank him away from my neck. Angel growls back. Seems like he needs a little reminding of who’s who in this family. He kicks, hits, bites but I still manage to get him where I want him. With a quick move I’ve flipped him over on his stomach, bent over the desk. He howls and grunts, trying to get away from me, but I won’t let him win. Angelus always underestimated my strength and determination. Sometimes Angel does too.

I grab the back of his black slacks and with a loud rendering tear have them down around his ankles. I unzip my own jeans and bring out my hard cock. It’s always hard when I’m arguing with my Childe. Without any preparation I slam into my Childe’s tight hole. Angel howls with anger and indignation. I thrust into him hard and unforgiving, delighting in the smell of his strong blood coating my cock. Angel puts on a little show of trying to fight me off but I can tell it’s not real. He is liking this as much as I am. It’s strange how my once dominant Sire now likes (well almost likes - still at times he fights it) to be the submissive one. I continue to thrust hard and deep until I feel Angel start to relax around me. Soon he’s pushing his hips back to meet mine.

“Angel..” I murmur quietly into his ear. “Tell me what’s wrong.” Angel stiffens at my words but then turns tear-filled eyes to mine. What this? I slow my thrusts and just keep it gentle.

“They... They hate me.” His voice takes on that softer tone. The voice of my Childe. “They look at me and all they see is what I've done to them. They only see what I am. They see Angelus.” I stop my thrusting at his words and rest my body along his back. I run my fingers through soft silky hair and he leans back into my embrace.

“They know who you are Angel luv.” I whisper softly. Licking the soft shell of his ear. Angel shakes his head.

“No. They don’t. They see Angelus. They can’t stand to be near me. They remember how I killed Jenny, how I tortured Giles, and how I tried to drive Buffy insane. They look at me and see a demon that tried to suck the world into hell. And then yo....” He trails off.

“I what, Angel?” I continue my gentle licking moving lower now to the raised scar on his neck. My scar. My mark. Angel shudders in my arms. I know how to get information from my Childe. How to use my affections to soften him up. A little cuddling and loving goes a long way. In fact, Angel doesn’t seem able to deny me anything when I offer a little tenderness. He draws away and turns his head to face me.

“You’ll remember what I did. When you were in that wheelchair. You’ll remember who I am - what I am and then you’ll leave me. You will hate me just as they do.”

I get it now. It’s also frightening in a way because I understand exactly what he means. When Angelus came back that second time, he was no longer the demon I had once known. He had been driven insane by a century of being the captive of a soul. He took his vengeance out on everyone. Not just the Scoobies, but at Dru and me too. He destroyed our relationship. Made Drusilla even more insane. He then abused, raped, and used me, knowing I couldn’t do a damn thing about it in that wheelchair. I hated him. Wanted to kill him with a fiery passion. I was glad when he was sent into hell. I wanted them to do to him as he had done to me while he was there. Never happened. Angelus got his soul back before he was stabbed into that portal. It was the soul that suffered the tortures there not Angelus. Maybe Angel suffered enough for what he did - for what the demon had done.

I understand his fears. Can’t say that they aren’t justified either. They are. We have very right to hate him. Every right not to be near him. The thing is it’s not that simple anymore. I discovered that the hard way. Angel no longer harbours the demon he once was. In truth he can’t be blamed for what happened - it was never him. Also now he’s different. He’s not Angelus, he’s not Angel either. He’s my Childe - my Angel. He’s changed, and in many ways, so have I. I allowed myself to love (even if the word still makes me shudder) this human soul, and he allows himself to love a demon. I think things are actually a lot more complicated in a way.

“You aren’t that person, Angel. You never were. I know that, and that’s all that matters.” Oh hell, I hope I believe this when I get there. I hope I can remember my words when I am faced with the memories and place where all this happened. I stroke my fingers through my Childe’s hair and kiss his neck. Angel groans and squeezes his inner muscles. Oh, forgot I was there. “You have to go Angel or you’re going to feel guilty for months. I for one won’t put up with that.” Angel laughs softly. He knows I can’t stand him brooding. I do everything I can from sex to punishing to going out to get him to stop. Not that it all works. The going out generally ends in disasters and huge fights, although the sex usually works. I give him a sharp thrust and he moans loudly. I’m going to get my way.... Come on Angel, say it!

“I will go, Sire. Forgive me?”

I kiss him again. Yes! I win again. When he draws away I notice he’s got something on his mind.

“Aren’t you going to punish me?” He asks.

Oh, liked that did you? Liked being bent over the desk and fucked raw.

"Maybe." I give another vicious thrust as he arches and moans into my embrace. I lift myself up on my arms and start a hard deep rhythm inside him. His groans and moans are no longer of pain, but of passion. He moves so wonderful wonderfully under me. Thrusting back as I push forward. Squeezing his inner muscles around my length and then relaxing as I draw out. He's damn amazing. Never letting him go, I can tell you that. I know a good thing when I see it. I won't let him brood all the time we are in Sunnydale either. Still, making up or punishment sex is something we both enjoy. Maybe I will let him piss me of off just a little bit. Okay, maybe a lot. I don't last long with Angel's co-operation. Soon I'm filling his grasping channel with my cold cum. Then I reach under him and feel that Angel is still hard.

"Turn over," I murmur to him. Angel obeys quickly and I'm greeted by his hard cold length next to my face. Sires don't usually suck their Childer off. I haven't done so yet, but I miss the taste of him. I might not have liked how Angelus, did it but I never minded the taste of him. Sweet and bitter all at once.

"Siirrre." Angel howls as I take his length into my mouth. Now, I have been doing this for a long time and I know I'm bloody good at it too. Still, I want to draw out his suffering. I take my time giving him long wet licks and little flicks on his foreskin. Angel tries to press his hips forwards, but I rest my hands on him hard, preventing him moving. He starts making all those wonderful sexy sounds I love. Half moans. Broken words. Little desperate gasps. Angel is a real screamer when it comes to sex. I love it. I love making him lose control. He's not quiet and brooding when I'm inside him. He isn’t quiet now I have him in my mouth either. At this moment I could ask him to dance a jig and he would have too, without complaint. Best thing about being a Sire if you ask me. The power of control. I don't have Angel jumping through hoops the rest of the time, but I can sure make him lose it during sex.

When I feel Angel's orgasm building I decide to take pity on him. I swallow his length down, letting it hit against the back of my throat. A couple more hoover moves and he's gone. He fills my mouth with his dead seed and I take him all down. He tastes better than I remember. Maybe it's because I'm a willing participant this time. Damn it. I am going to have to remember not to think about Angelus on this trip. I might lose myself in those memories and blame my Childe. Already he's afraid of going for that particular reason. I'm not going to prove his fears right. There are enough problems between us already without adding more.

Angel's POV:

After my punishment, I agreed to go back to Sunnydale.

The Punishment itself turned out not so bad, in fact it was earth shattering. Spike's mouth is amazing. I never expected him to do that to me ever again. Still he did and it hasn't changed anything between us. I don't want it to. I am still the Childe and Spike is still the Sire. I like it this way. This way I don't have to control everything around me. I let him take part of the responsibility. It's nice. It's different. It makes me feel free. Doesn't mean I don't fight him once in a while. Sometimes I forget to be the submissive one. It's hard at times knowing that I will have to back down in the end. Anyway, back to the point. After experiencing Spike's amazing mouth - I agreed to go to Sunnydale.

I’m not looking forward to going back to that town - actually the thought of it scares me to death. I found myself there, (mentally and physically), but my losses outweighed the benefits. I lost love, sanity, hope, family - everything. I came here to LA to start again. I wanted to leave Sunnydale behind me. I had to leave the one I loved - Buffy - because it was the right thing to do. I loved her but we just didn't go together right, no matter how much we wanted too to. She's moved on now, and so have I. I don't want to go back and hurt her again. That's all I did in the end. Hurt her. I don't plan on staying around. Just in, do the job and go.

It's simple. We go in, kill the big bad (as Spike calls it), and then take off again. That's how it's going down, and nothing more. Couple of days tops. We decided to take my car. Spike's Desoto is a complete rust bucket, and I doubt it could make the journey. I drove. Spike might be my Sire, but there is no way in hell he's driving the Plymouth. Thankfully, Cordelia and Wesley have stayed behind. I don't think I could have coped with them arguing all the way. At least with Spike all I have to do is put up with loud music and he's happy.

We it to Sunnydale in good time, a little over an hour. His music was giving me a bit of a headache, so I floored it a little. Spike kept looking at the speedometer and laughing. I think he did it on purpose. Thankfully I could turn the damn thing off when we arrived. It's strange coming here. Buffy and the gang have moved their operations to Giles's home. I would have felt much better going to the library. Giles brings so many bad memories back. The last time I came here was when I was being driven insane by the first evil. I saw the ghost of Jenny Calendar standing there behind him. I saw how I destroyed his life forever by killing the one he loved. I can never make that up to Giles, no matter what I do. That dawn I tried to commit suicide. Even now, that seems seemed a whole lot easier than trying to face them again.

"Bloody Hell, Angel, stop brooding!" Spike jumps out of the Plymouth and heads over to Giles's front door. "Angel!" He shouts again. I can tell he's getting impatient. His voice gets that sire - tone I used to use. I heave myself out of the car and slowly walk towards Spike. He rolls his eyes at me and grabs my arm. How can he be looking forward to this? It's like he wants to see them again. Did he forget what they did to him when he first was chipped? Tied him up in the bathtub. I know, he told me all the stories. Still, I think he likes them.

Spike bangs on the door, and moments later Giles opens it. "Uh, Spike? What brings you here? Oh, Angel." Giles' face turns to stone as he looks at me. I expected him to rush back in and get a crossbow like last time. Then Giles turns back to Spike as if he's already forgotten I'm there.

"Again. What brings you here, Spike? I thought you liked living in LA." Giles steps back from the door, giving Spike an unspoken invitation. Spike swaggers in and starts talking.

"Yeah, love LA. The cheerleader had a vision, saw a big bag. So we came to help. Now, you still got some of that real Scottish whiskey around? That American stuff is far too weak. Don't want that Irish stuff either. Has to be Scottish." Giles leaves the door open and follows Spike in. I try to follow but I can't. It seems since I became a vampire for a second time I have to be re-invited again. Giles starts telling Spike about what whiskey he's stocked up on while I am still stuck outside. I notice that Giles is friendly to Spike. They have things in common to begin with: they are both English - even though centuries apart, it makes little difference.

"Hey Angel, there's... " I hear Spike say my name and he realises I'm not behind him. He comes back to the door and looks at me questioningly.

"I... uh... haven't been invited," I murmur. I hate this. I hate having to ask them to let me into their homes when it's quite obvious they don't want me in. "I can wait in the car." Spike makes a small grunting sound of frustration and grabs my arm.

"Hey Giles, Angel can come in right?"

"Oh sorry, I quite forgot. Do come in Angel."

Spike's POV:

I notice Angel's eyes widen in surprise as Giles invites him in. I know what my Childe was thinking. That he wasn't wanted. I tell ya, sometimes I think Angel believes he's a mind reader. He believes everyone is thinking badly of him and he knows they don't like him. He's a right pillock sometimes. I guess it comes with the brooding, self-flagellation and guilt. That spells Angel. He can't take in that Giles didn't know he needed to be re-invited in. I grab his arm and pull him inside past the threshold.

Giles offers us whiskey or tea. I take the whiskey and Angel takes the tea. I remember when Angelus could drink me under the table. Now he doesn't touch the stuff. Another type of abstinence for his penance. Thou shall not have fun, laugh, smile, drink, or do anything like having a good time. I swear that if he weren't so exhausted after sex he'd brood about that too. That's one thing I'm not going to let him do. I am not having my Childe feel guilty about having sex with his Sire. Don't care about the gender or his guilt about that either. It's right in my book, so it's going to be right in his too. I think that can be rule n° 130. I'm going to have to make a list soon. Hope Angel can remember all these. Maybe I'm being a little overpowering. Nah, what does he expect? I'm evil.

Giles tells us that the Scooby gang will be here too, soon. They haven't had any big problems lately. Apart from the appearance of Dracula, but Buffy soon got rid of him. Now there's a bigger idiot than Angel - owes me money too. They don't know of any big trouble coming however. Nothing has risen from the Hell Mouth for quite a while. That comment makes Angel try and to disappear into the woodwork. I am assuming he’s thinking of what Angelus tried to do. Before anymore can be said we are interrupted by a group of loud teenagers.

"Hey Giles, brought a new car? Can I borrow it?" Xander comes waltzing in, followed by the rest. Buffy, Willow, Anya and commando boy Riley. "Oh, hi Spike. Need money?" He laughs and then spots Angel. "Deadboy. What do you want?" I don't think I like him anymore. I know he's good for a laugh, but I don't like how he's looking at my Childe. Angel stands up and backs away slightly. I try and pull him back to the couch, but he's as stiff as a board. Damn it Angel; don't go all closed up on me again. Took me three months to get him to this stage. Well, for me too. It's been hard for us to trust each other. Sometimes near impossible. But with Angel, I don't want to give up. He's the one plan I want to carry through. It's simple - keep Angel forever. Made my mind up that I'm going to do it too - even if it means using the L word.

I stand up and Buffy comes pushing forward. "Angel?"

Angel looks at the face of his ex-lover and gives a little smile. I realise then that I have made a huge mistake. That I've overlooked one little fact - Buffy knows Angel was human. It looks like she only told Red and not the others - but she knows he's not now. Having those super sensitive Slayer senses and all. Or maybe she just noticed his incredibly pale appearance or lack of heartbeat. Bloody hell, sometimes it's hard being the Sire. I have to think of everything. Now, I'm going to have to protect what is mine. Which isn't as easy as it sounds. Considering the chip, which prevents me from hurting humans.

"Angelus!" She growls; instantly coming to the wrong conclusion. If Angel was Angelus I would have killed him. She draws her stake and is about to pounce on my Childe. I grab her hand. I ignore the pain starting to burn itself through my brain. Still, I won't let her take him from me. Not now after all the work I've put into this. All the love *shudder* I've given.

"Don't you dare." She's a little surprised about my increased strength, but restrains herself. Thank god, I don't think I could hold out any longer. Feels like a little man's got a sledgehammer inside my head.

"He was human; now he's not." She says. I know her slayer senses told her, but they don't know the full story.

"Angel was human?" Ask Xander and Giles together. "How?"

"I reached my redemption." Angel murmurs. They give him a sharp look. I know that Angel wants to dig himself a great big hole right about now. He hates being the centre of attention. "There was an accident, I got shot... " Angel trails off unsure on how to say it. Buffy catches on.

"Spike. You killed him." She's about to turn that stake on me now.

"No!" Shouts Angel, and he grabs her hand. She yelps and drops the stake. He steps back, ashamed that he wasn't more careful. I'm a little surprised that he would actually protect me from the girl he used to think walked on water. But then again, it might have been that Sire/Childe bond kicking in. "I was dying, so Spike saved me. Willow... " He looks over to the red-headed witch. "That time you restored my soul, you permanently attached it to me. When I became a vampire again my soul remained. Thank you." Red blushes. There is an uncomfortable silence now. How do you follow that up? Xander has an idea.

"So Spike is Deadboy's Sire now?" He starts laughing and doesn't stop. "What do you teach him, Spike? How to drink out of a blood bag? Or maybe you could give him pointers on how to dress better?" Okay, I know he's joking, but I've had enough. Angel wants to vanish into the shadows permanently, and I can feel his pain like it's a real knife digging into my brain. I grab Xander by the throat and hold him still. I'm going to have a killer headache at the end of the day.

"You insult my Childe, you insult me. Do you really want to do that?"

"You can't hurt me," says Xander. I know he means the chip. It hasn't fully incapacitated me because I don't actually mean the boy any harm. Still, it's giving me the start of a mind-blowing headache. I hope Angel damn well appreciates this. I am supposed to be the big bad. Not the big softy for my Childe. Still, he feels damn good. Good enough to put up with a little change of their perspective. I am still protecting my own interests - Angel's just one of them now.

"No, but I can order my Childe too to. He'll have to obey." I grin and Xander pales.

"Sire?" Asks Angel. I feel his hand on my arm. I think he gets embarrassed if I stand up for him. He's supposed to be the Dark Avenger. Yeah, right. Inside, I've discovered he is the most frightened, self-effacing, sad creature I've ever come across. Even compared to me, Angel is a total mess. I thought I was bad enough when I was first chipped. Angel is an emotional disaster. I can understand why he never wanted me to know what he was feeling. He's got so many little emotions and memories I could abuse. If I wanted to, I could spend years upon years torturing Angel. Just Angel, not Angelus. Good thing I don't want to. I don't want my Childe destroyed by anybody, not even me. He's mine, and I want him the way he is. Took me a while to work that one out. Well, maybe he could be a little less broody.

I let Xander go. I think I've made my point. They are a little surprised about how Angel reacts to me. His voice soft and his body submissive. They should see him on his knees. "I can... "

"Angel, sit down." I tell him; again to their surprise he obeys. Ha, they have never seen him do that before. Everyone is nervous and unsure what to say. I sit down with Angel and notice he's not looking at anyone. He's suddenly found his hands very interesting to stare at. Why did I think bringing him here would be a good idea? It seems to be going the way he expected. Him against them. I don't care what they think as I grab Angel's hand and hold it in my own. Contact is very important to a Childe. In some ways Angel is only 3 months old. He's still got strong sire/childe attachments to me. Well, that's what I tell myself (big bad remember!) Truth is, I like touching him. Giles notes our handholding but I don't pull away. I have to live with Angel day in day out. I don't want him brooding about this for the next year or so. So I continue to hold his hand and give support. Okay, so I'm getting turned on a bit by sitting next to him.

"So.." Giles starts. Still no one talks. Giles appears to be staring at our joined hands, which seems to remind him of something.

"Angel, you were human?" Angel nods. "Then Angelus is dead. Did you get another demon when you became a vampire?" Giles seems to catch on fast.

"I don't know," answers Angel, still not making eye contact.

"No, he hasn't. Angelus didn't return. Angel is a soul within a vampire body. No demon."

"How do you know?" Asks Buffy. She's staring at Angel now. I don't like it. I wonder if she wants him again. I am not letting him go. No way! Still, I might share. She's got a damn fine body, and Angelus/Angel always had good taste. Take me, for instance. I'll have to ask her later if things go well and we survive the upcoming demon. Still, no kissing and biting - his mouth his mine.

"Seen it." I reply.

"Oh.. Oh.. I know this one. It's all swirly colours, warm too and has these little clouds... " Red trails of off when everyone turns and stares at her. "When I did the soul restoration I kinda felt it."

"Yeah, well, that's what's in Angel and nothing more." I want to stress that part. Angelus is gone and they can't attach the past to Angel. Made that mistake myself. Nearly destroyed both of us. They can't blame him for what Angelus did. Still, I am jealous of Red. I thought I was the only one to see Angel's soul. I bet she didn't feel surrounded by him. Never felt him all around her, invading her very pores. Not like I have. Even tasted him on my tongue for days after, too.

Things go uphill from there. They have gotten over the shock of Angel being human and now a vampire again. Angel remains quiet, only answering direct questions. Still, he's not hiding somewhere in the dark, so I'll have to praise him later for not trying to run away from them. He just sits there next to me, holding my hand and playing with my fingers. The small gesture doesn't go unnoticed, but everyone's too shy to say anything. Or am I giving them too much credit? Maybe they don't know. Maybe they can't see that I love my Childe. I admit it, I'm love's bitch.

Back to the demon. We can't give Giles a lot of information about the demon in Cordelia's vision. It wasn't very clear. She also got confusing emotions from it. Like fear, betrayal, pain. As for the demon itself - her words were big grey horned thing. Which was very helpful. She saw us all fighting it - Angel, Buffy and me. She said it was in a big hall with funny windows and she could smell jasmine. Giles asked us for more, but that's about it. The rest of Cordelia's message was “end of world kinda thing that has to be stopped“. We couldn't give them anymore details. None of the Scooby gang had come across any other trouble either. Basically they were just fighting the usual lot of vampires, and apart from that everything was pretty quiet.

We decided to end the meeting for the night. Angel and I offered to do a quick patrol, but Buffy refused. She said she wanted a little quality time with Riley. He had said hardly a thing all night. Just gave Angel the odd glance and piercing stare. Angel didn't seem to notice. Mainly because most of the night he had his eyes attached to my hand. It's strange having him all needy and clinging. Usually I have to argue, fight, and scream to make him do what I want. But I still can't get him to wear colours, no matter what I try.

We did have a little argument about where to spend the night. Giles suggested staying with him but I refused immediately. The other possibilities were the mansion or Angel's old apartment. Also not good ideas. They are far too attached to the past. Memories and grudges that neither Angel nor I want to revisit. I decide on my old crypt, which immediately puts Angel into a huff. After saying goodbye to the gang, we head off into the old cemetery. Angel moans under his breath all the way. He hates the cold. He hates the dirt. His car is going to get nicked (English for stolen) outside of Giles. I get the message he doesn't want to be in Sunnydale, but I want him to shut up.

Easiest way. Bite him. So I do, and he howls in indignation. Told you it wasn't all Pollyanna with us. We have our disagreements and fights. Like now Angel's questioning my judgement. Pushing me into not going back to the crypt and paying for a nice warm hotel room instead. Well, newsflash. We go where I say. So I didn't think about a hotel. Although I'm not going to make myself look bad in front of my Childe. So I can't back down. As I sink my teeth into his neck I can feel his anger through our bond. Not anger just at me, but anger at himself. He thinks he's weak because he didn't stand up to Xander. He doesn't want to be here. He's angry because he needed my support. Angry because he feels like my childe, and he needs me to be his Sire. Still he fights that need. Thinks he shouldn't depend on me does he? Well, I've got to put that thinking right. I like him dependent on me - it’s one of the rules I think I gave him before.

When Angel's half-drained, I pull away. He's angry - well, almost spitting - because I used my Sire's right over him. He still doesn't like it much when I do. Angel sometimes gets this idea in his head that he's good at being in control. Bullshit. He's crap at it. Good thing he's got me to show him how to do it right. If not, he'd be going insane dealing with humans, Wolfram and Hart, and all that on his own. Angel can kill and shag like the best of them. One thing he can't do, though, is effectively control others. It all falls apart in time. He gets these ideas that people are better off without him. That everything's his fault. He then goes and does something heroic and stupid, then gets tremendous guilt. Well, I'm saving him from that. I'm saving him from himself. Even if he won't admit it. If I weren't around, he would have fired his crew by now. One thing I've learned. I'm good with control, yet a total disaster with plans. Can't understand why. Maybe it's because I get bored to too quick. I have a short temper, I know. Like now - I've just lost it.

"Tell me!" I grab his hair and pull his head back. He's on his knees where I like him.

"I'm yours, Sire," he gasps.

"Damn well don't forget again." I crush my mouth to his. I slice my tongue open on my fangs and shove it down his throat. Angel moans, not from anger, but his sudden rising passion. I'm thinking about taking him here in the middle of the cemetery. Suddenly I draw away. Something's not right. I feel as if we are being watched. By someone familiar. I pull away from Angel and draw him up unsteadily on to his feet. Guess I took a little too much. Still, the crypt isn't far, and I will make it up to him. Got some praising to do because he was good at Giles.

Angel’s POV:

I hate when Spike does that. When he knows what I am thinking and feeling. He knows I feel bad about being here in Sunnydale. I guess he felt I overstepped his boundaries and had to punish me. Still, I suppose I was acting childish. Ever since we got here I have had this feeling something bad is going to happen. Sometimes I feel like I bring it with me. That I am the cause of everyone's misery. That I am not in control enough. Should have remembered that is a touchy issue with Spike. As soon as he feels I am questioning his rights, then he clamps down on me.

I wasn't pleased when he bit me, no matter how good it feels. I like it better when he kisses me. Suddenly he's pulling away, and I feel it too. Someone is watching us. I can't tell whom since they are good at hiding themselves. I allow Spike to help me into his dirty crypt, and we tumble inside.

Spike quickly shuts and locks the door before he attacks my mouth again. His hand grabs my hair and pulls my head back. I feel the prick of his teeth again and moan deep in my chest. The unknown presence is quickly forgotten as my Sire takes his pleasure from me. His hands clutch at me as he continues to drink, and he starts pulling at my clothing. I get the message quickly and help him undress me.

"You were good Childe," he compliments me as he pulls away from my throat. I gasp weakly and moan as he moves away in frustration. He can't leave me like this. Almost drained and unable to move. He doesn't, however, but just moves lower until I feel his mouth engulf my cock. Oh god, he can't mean to do what I think he is. He does. He takes me deep into his throat and worms one finger into my hole. Drained and under my Sire's control, I don't last long. Minutes later my orgasm is rushing down his throat. One thing about being drained and having an orgasm is that its it increases the sensation 100 fold. It feels as though my body is ripped apart from the inside. I can hear myself screaming until my throat is raw. The burning pleasure rips through every muscle and limb. My body arches off the floor and I feel my back cracking. I know I passed out, and when I come to my body throbs with overuse.

"Like that Childe?" Asks Spike, while running his fingers through my damp hair. I can't talk because I haven't fully gained control of my body yet. I nod as best I can and lie limp and used beneath him. Still, I don't think he's finished with me yet. When did Spike get so good at this? When I was Sire; I never believed he would make a strong, masterful vampire. He did, however, and I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. He knows exactly which buttons to press with me to get his desired response. Spike moves over my body and I know what he wants next. I feel him lift my legs and use his own blood to lubricate his cock before he just slips inside.

"Drink, Childe." He knows I won't - can't - refuse his offer. I'm so deeply bound to him I don't even try to fight it anymore. Sire's blood is the most potent, seductive drug to a vampire, and I'm addicted. He holds my head as I sink my fangs deep into his jugular. The first draught of his blood makes me hard again. When he feels me drink, he starts to move within me. Sometimes I wonder if this is my redemption. That I was meant to be Spike's Childe. Sometimes when it's like this - when it feels as deep as this - everything is right in my world. As it should be. Sometimes I fear what will become of me. I am addicted to Spike. Totally and completely. I might not be totally submissive and obey him, but I do need him. I fear that Spike will tire of me. That soon he'll remember that he hates me and will leave. I don't know if I can survive without him. He broke through the walls I had built around my heart. He made me dependent on him. I don't exactly like it because it gives him far too much control. Too much power. Too many possibilities to destroy me. It gives me fear too. Fear that this is still a game he's playing with me.

Too soon I feel my orgasm building again and Spike is pulsating within me. Any second now I know he's going to bite me again. The feel of which will make me come. He does and I do. I feel him fill me to overflowing and then he collapses onto on top of me. It's strange that such as a lithe body could contain so much strength. Ever since he turned me he's even stronger than I am. I hold my Sire to me as he gently dislodges my fangs from his throat. Then I remember where I am lying. I try and rise from the dirty floor but Spike growls.

"Sleepy," he murmurs.

"It's dirty!" I complain.

"You want me to bite you again?" I lay still again. Guess I can sleep on a dirty floor for once.

Spike's POV:

I chuckle softly to myself as my Childe lies back down on the floor. It's dirty, cold, and a little uncomfortable. Everything that Angel doesn't like. He likes clean, comfortable beds; even did as Angelus. I draw him to me and he rests his head on my shoulder. I like this - it feels homey in a way. I let sleep take me, but I still have that feeling of being watched. Still, too tired to stay awake.

Pain brings me back into sudden consciousness. Awake in a position I know I wasn't in when I went to sleep. I'm a little disoriented, but I can tell I'm chained up somewhere. I try and rub my eyes but my hands are securely manacled to the wall. It's a cold, damp, stone wall. Not the crypt - somewhere else. Somewhere familiar. It looks like a dungeon. Part of an old stone castle. My attention is drawn again to the pain when I feel a leather whip slash against my skin. What the hell is going on? I yell out in anger and turn towards my abuser.

Oh, god. No. No. No. This isn't right. There standing before me is the demon that created me. Angelus in all his glory. Long dark hair, eyes like needles, and clothes stained with my blood. Angelus smirks at me and raises his whip again. I know this has to be a dream because he's dead and this place was burned to the ground over a hundred years ago. I should know - I burned it down. This is the place Angelus brought us to when I was but a fledgling. Just after I did my little massacre in London and then Yorkshire. He brought me here to teach me who my master was. It was days of endless pain and suffering on my part. Great joy and pleasure on his.

"Let me go, you bastard. You're dead!" I scream at him. More for my own sake than his.

"Am I Spike? Really? I don't think so. I think that I'm lying in your arms right now." I get this mental image of how I went to sleep with my Childe. My Childe's head resting on my chest and laying in my arms. "I think I'm just biding my time until I can bring you down again. You might be my Sire, Spikey... " He laughs and brings the whip down. I howl as it cuts deep into skin and muscle. "...but you will never control me. This is just a game where you fall in love and then I rip your bloody heart from your body." He laughs loud and long. Laughter that burns though my mind and my heart - burns it stone cold.

"I could never love a snivelling idiot like you Spike. You're weak and useless. You aren't even a proper sire. I won't ever submit to the likes of you."

I scream obscenities and hatred at him but his words have cut deep. They are my greatest fear. Fear that my Childe could never love me. Fear that even now - in sleep - he is planning my destruction.

Suddenly the scenery changes and I'm standing in a Victorian sitting room. There before me is my biggest shock. Sitting in Victorian dress and hairdo is Darla. Angel's dead ex-Sire. Why would I dream of her? I hate the bitch.

"Hello, William."

"Darla? Why would I dream of you?" I ask myself more than of her. I don't think I've ever dreamed of Darla. Darla laughs and looks up at me. What's going on? This is the strangest dream I've ever had.

"You know why I am here, William. It's all to do with Angelus, you know that. You might be his sire now, but I always knew him better that you did."

"Angelus is gone. Angel is my Childe, you never knew him. Threw him out if I remember correctly."

"Silly boy. He'll always be Angelus. That won't ever change no matter what he calls himself. Deep down he'll always be him; he can't be any different. Even before I changed him, the darkness was always there."

"You're lying." Okay. I admit she's getting to me. Opening all those doors to my fears and worries. I have tried desperately to separate Angel from Angelus for the last few months. They are different and I have to believe that. If he's Angelus I can't love him again. I can't accept him again. "Angel is the soul, not the demon!"

"Yes, and what did the soul do?" Suddenly my mind is overpowered by flashbacks of my previous dealings with Angel. Angel when he was the Slayer’s lap dog. Angel as he tired tried to stop Dru and me. Angel when I got crushed by that damn organ. Angel who tried to kill me.

"No, you're changing my memories! They're all taken out of context." The visions stop and I'm back in the sitting room. Darla stands up and moves towards me.

"Poor boy, you don't see it." Suddenly the visions come again. This time of Angelus. What he did to me as a fledgling. What he did to me in that wheelchair. How he destroyed me piece by piece until there was nothing left. I feel tears prick my eyes. The memories are overwhelming. They are too strong. Too hurtful.

"This is what your Childe is. This is who he is, and has always been. Nothing's changed. He's fooled you into a false sense of security. Isn't that what Angelus used to do to you? Make you love him and then take you apart chunk by bloody chunk." I howl in anger and fury as I push her away from me.

"He's really got you running in circles, hasn't he? Don't know which way is up, do you?" She starts laughing. The images of past and present fill my mind. I can't escape them. She leans in close and smiles at me. Her voice is just a whisper. "He's just waiting until you're weak and you have let your defences down. Then... " Her voice gets lower and she leans into my ear. "Then he's going to gobble you up." She makes a smacking sound with her lips and roars in hysterical laugher.

I scream and scream and... I jump upright and with a panicked look round I realise I am back in the crypt. My body trembles and I feel nauseated. I smell sex and Angel in the air and it sickens me. I look down at my Childe who lies beside me, still asleep. His face soft and relaxed. His face is a lie. It's just a mask he wears to fool everyone - to fool me. I shake my head and push myself away from him. I find a fag in my jacket pocket and light it.

That dream really got to me. Got me thinking again. Looking at what I've been doing for the last 3 months. Is it true? Has this all been a lie? This wouldn't be the first time Angelus has fooled me. He's good at playing the game. Good at fooling his victims until you trust him and then he'll drain you dry. The longer he sleeps, the more agitated I get. The more my anger builds. I know he's planning on betraying me. I know he thinks I'm weak. He thinks given enough time, he'll dominate me again. He'll turn me back into the Childe again. Well, to hell with that. I've had enough of these fears. I'm going to show him I'm not weak. Not even his puppy dog look will get him out of this one. Angel comes awake with my first strike. He's disoriented but still tries to avoid my second.

"Sire, what... ?" He's not allowed to talk back. I strike him again hard in the face and he spits blood. He tries to kick out at me but I catch his leg. Trying to fight me, are you? Trying to escape your punishment? Questioning my right as Sire! I twist his leg hard hearing the bone scrape. Angel yelps and tries to hit me again. This time I'm ready. I grab his arm and quickly wrap the chains I have ready around his wrist. Then the other arm. Seconds later, I have his hands secured. There is fear in his eyes - good. If he fears me he'll be less inclined to fight me.

With a little struggling on Angel's part, I manage to chain him and attach him to a hook in the ceiling. I don't like his questions, so I gag him too. He looks so good hanging there before me. All of his fine smooth body displayed for my inspection. For my punishment. Thinks he can fool me, does he? Thinks I am weak? I'll show him how weak I am.

Warning: Imagery of torture & description of aftermath - no clear scenes but acknowledgment of actions taken - you have been cautioned.

Angel's POV:

I don't think there is one part of my body that doesn't hurt. Every inch of me is a mass of bruises, cuts, and contusions. I'm sure he's broken most of my ribs too. Good thing I can't talk because I don't think the pain in my ribs would allow me to draw breath. He has beaten, raped, bitten, cut, slashed over every inch of me. The hardest part is I don't know why. I awoke to find him attacking me, his eyes wild in fury and anger. I have no idea what I'm supposed to have done. The hardest part of all was when he calls me Angelus. He's not called me Angel in all the time he's been torturing me.

I don't have any more strength to fight back. I can't break my bonds. All I can do is stare down and watch my blood make patterns on the floor. Inside, I know it's not the physical pain that broke me. It's the mental one. I knew he could never accept me. Knew that he will always see me as Angelus. Now he has confirmed that to be true. That's all he sees in me. His torturer and abuser. I know because I see that too. I deserve all he gives me. I will also deserve my death when it comes.

He's pacing before me, but I can't look up. I know he will punish me for trying to look at him. He keeps muttering strange little sentences. He keeps mentioning that 'she was right.' I don't understand what's happened to us. He fooled me into believing that I was Angel. That I wasn't Angelus anymore. I believed him. I thought I was a better man. I was wrong. I don't even feel the bond between us either. All I feel is misery and pain. Spike keeps hitting me every time he looks at me. It's like he can't bear to look upon me. He doesn't want to see me. All those feelings that I admitted to him; he's just thrown them back in my face. Laughed at my love for him. Laughed at my pain.

When he raped me, he told me how I sickened him. How I had tried to make him weak. That he lied when he told me he loved me. How could he love a freak like me? I'm neither vampire nor human. I am nothing. I feel my heart dying more with every word. I had not expected his betrayal. I have to admit he had me fooled. I believed. I wanted to believe him.

"You had me fooled Angelus. You really did. Not any longer. This time I'm the stronger of the two of us. You see that, don't you?" I can't answer because of the gag. "Don't you?!" He tears the gag from my mouth and I spit blood.

"Yes, Sire. Please... "

"That's it bitch, beg. Beg me to help you. Beg me to save you," Spike almost sounds hysterical.

"Please, Sire. I don't understand..."

"Don't you dare play those games with me, Angelus!" Another slap. "I'm going to make you pay for what you did. What you did to me. To... " He trails off. He seems to be thinking. My next punishment I assume. "I have the perfect punishment for you, Angelus. You hurt everyone I considered to be a friend in this town. Buffy, Willow, Giles. Now you're going to beg for their forgiveness. Beg them to punish you. If you do it right, I let you live another day." I don't like the way this is going. At least he has stopped hitting me for a minute.

"Who's first? Think... I know. The one you hurt the most." Buffy. Oh, god he's sending me to Buffy. My punishment is degradation and humiliation it seems.

"Giles."

What? He can't mean to do this...

Suddenly, Spike loosens my chains and I fall into a heap on the floor. I scream as the fall jars my broken ribs and ruptured organs. I've lost so much blood I can hardly move. Spike grabs my face and looks me in the eye.

"Put your jeans on and go to Giles. Prostrate yourself, and beg him to punish you for what you did to him. Beg him until he does. If you don't, I will show you what real suffering means." He shoves me away with a sneer and I fall back to the ground. I can hardly stand so I crawl over to my jeans. More blood rises from my bruised lungs and I spit it onto the floor. Spike watches with hard eyes as I struggle into my jeans. At least he's not sending me naked. I don't speak to him; I don't think I can take any more of his pain. It hurts more than what he's done to the outside of my body. This pain is of the soul, and I am sure I will die from it.

I drag myself away from the crypt and my insane Sire, limping painfully as I go. It takes me a good half-hour to get to Giles's house and I bang on his door. He answers it, thinking I'm someone else.

"Ah, Willow. You're early. Good, good." Giles opens the door wide and looks at me. At first he can't speak. "Angel... What? Were you attacked?" he asks as he gets over his shock. "Come in and I'll clean you up." I do as he says and then fall to my knees before him.

"Angel?" he squeaks, a little startled.

"My Sire has sent me to beg you to punish me..." It's hard talking with broken ribs, I've found. Also, a few of my teeth are loose. I gasp as I draw breath. "..to punish me for killing your lover, and for torturing you. I beg you to punish me." Please Giles, just do it so I can curl up and die somewhere.

Giles's face becomes hard and he removes his glasses. "You want me to punish you?" he questions.

"Yes, punish me for my sins."

"And, Spike told you to do this?" He looks down over my body and assesses the other wounds. "After he beat you, I assume."

"Yes, it's his right. Please Giles, I can't leave until you do." He steps away from me and I hope he makes this quick. I feel too weak to stay on my knees for much longer.

"What brought on his punishment?" Can't he stop with the questions? Does it matter?

"I don't know. I woke up and he decided to exercise his right to punish me for my sins against him. Please Giles, I can't... I'm too weak. Please... " Now I'm almost lying on the floor because I can't keep this up any longer.

"Angel, get up. I won't punish you." What?

"Please, I can't move until you do. Please, Giles. I took your life, now take mine." Do I really want that? Yes. I think I do. I want an end to this pain. I want him to end my life so I don't have to face this betrayal anymore. So I don't have to see Spike's hatred of me. Giles is silent as he thinks about what I've said. He walks over to the front door and pulls from out of the umbrella stand a long cane. I brace myself for the worse he can do. He stands behind me. I know he's noticed other injures but he says nothing. First he starts with two sharp slaps across my buttocks, and then... nothing.

"I have punished you, Angel. Now get up, and you'll find fresh blood in the fridge." Huh? I don't argue because I'm far too weak to do so any more. I get the blood because I fear that I will attack him soon. Being denied of blood when my body is extensively damaged is dangerous for any humans who happen to be nearby. I fear that in the hunger I will forget they are my friends and kill them. I shuffle over to the fridge and drink down all the blood he has there. It takes away the immediate hunger, but strangely it doesn't make me feel physically stronger. It doesn't help the state of my soul. I still want death.

I go back out into the living room and find Giles sorting out his first aid kit. He tells me to sit down, and starts treating my wounds. I want to tell him to stop, but I don't have the will anymore. He notices my despondency and starts talking.

"I've never wanted to punish you, Angel." I look up at him, and he sees the disbelief in my eyes. "It was hard to be around you. To see the face of Angelus. For a while I thought you were he. You changed my mind, though. I could see how much you loved Buffy, and how you cared about everyone around you. I knew then that you weren't the same person. Maybe I should have said something, but I didn't." I look away and try to make myself even smaller. I can't take this. I don't understand anymore. I don't know who I am.

"You know, the English never like to talk about their feelings. Not in polite society, in any case." He laughs uncomfortably. He's trying to break the ice, but I have no answer.

"Angel, why did Spike beat you? What did he say?" I try and move away. I can't face these questions. I can't think about what Spike's done. How he's destroyed me. Betrayed me. "Angel, please. I saw you last night. I saw how you held his hand. There is a sire/childe relationship there, but there is also something more. I've never seen you as submissive, but there is something in you that desires to be with him."

"I thought I loved him." I whisper. Giles nods his understanding.

"And this morning? What did he say?"

"That Angelus has to be punished for what he did to him. What I did to him."

"He called you Angelus?" I nod. "Angel. This vision of Cordelia's. You said that you, Buffy and Spike were fighting. Were you fighting each other or something else?" I look up at him. I don't understand what he's trying to get at. Before I can ask, the front door opens again. I curl into the couch, trying to hide.

"Giles? Sorry I'm late, Tara and I... " Willow comes bounding in with all her youthful energy. She stops as she spots me on the couch. I try and make myself as small as possible. "Angel!" She cries, alarmed. Her hands touch my face and my hair. I draw away from her.

"Giles, who did this? Angel, who hurt you?" I am amazed by her voice. It sounds like she actually cares. I don't answer her but Giles starts to explain. He leaves out the part where I asked him to punish me. Willow is shocked by Spike's behaviour and threatens to get Buffy to kill him. Giles disagrees. I pay attention more to their conversation when Giles starts asking about spells.

"Angel says that Spike changed overnight. He made references to a dream and a woman. He called Angel by the name of his demon, Angelus." Willow nods her understanding. "Willow, I think Spike might be the demon Angel's been sent to fight. Or maybe he's been effected by the demon."

"Oh, oh.. You mean a spell. That someone's made Spike see only Angelus. Like a hypnotic spell. Or like a suspicious spell. I've read about that. About changing emotions from happy to sad, trust to mistrust, love to hate..." They both trail off and look at me.

"Can we test this?" Asks Giles.

"Sure, I can cast a spell on Spike to see if someone's changed him like that. You'll see a blue aura around him if they have. If not, it's yellow."

"Right. Now we have to find Spike."

I'm not sure what Giles and Willow are up to. All this talk of spells and demons. Could Giles be right, that someone cast a spell on Spike. Changing his love to hate? Making him punish me for what I did to him? It would be nice to believe that. But I can't believe in wishful thinking. That is what this is. Just wishful thinking. Wishing that things could be different - that I could be different. Wishing that it was real. That Spike loved me. That I was no longer Angelus. The truth is never so bright. This is real. His hatred is real.

I know that Spike will be here soon. He'll come to claim his disobedient Childe. Still, I did get Giles to punish me. Maybe he will give me an easy death. I remain curled on the couch while Willow and Giles look for an answer. Suddenly, as a knife is cutting through my heart, I can feel my Sire approach. Giles notices my reaction too. He tells Willow to get ready. I hope Spike doesn't hurt them. I know I can't protect them; I am still too weak.

Spike throws the door open and strides in. He's like a hurricane as he rages through the house. "Bitch!" He yells. "I'll skin ya for disobeying me."

Giles steps before me. "Spike, how nice to see you."

"You punished the bitch?" he sneers. "I hope you did him good."

"Ah, well," Giles starts, and indicates Willow to do her spell. Suddenly there is a flash of light, and Spike is surrounded by a red aura. Red? In seconds, however, it starts to change colour until it shines a bright blue. "Spike, you do realise that you're under a spell?"

Spike stops and actually stares at him. "What?" He seems a little taken aback. As if he can't remember what he's come for. I see emotions flashing through his eyes. Suddenly they are gone, and he's reaching for me again.

"NO!" I cry. I skitter away from his reach, and he growls. I have to work out what this means. Has someone made Spike do this to me? My head hurts so damn much I can't think straight. Still, when he speaks, I freeze.

"Angelus, when I get you I swear that you will learn the true meaning of pain. I'm going to fuck you until you can't scream anymore. I'll scar that pretty face so everyone sees what you are. I'll rip out your eyes so... " Spike collapses before me and I stare up into Giles's face. In his hand he holds what remains of his marble table lamp.

"Angel, it's okay." He drops the lamp and reaches out for me. I can hear Willow crying in fear. No. It's not all right. Nothing will ever be all right again.

"No!" I cry again, and run. I don't know where to, but I can't stay in that house a second longer. I can't face their fears for me. I don't deserve it. I deserve what Spike promised. All I can think of is how I've lost his love. Now I've lost him. I run and keep running. I can't ever go back.

Spike's POV:

When I come to it feels like someone's removed my brain and then replaced it with chopped cabbage. I reach up and touch my throbbing head. My hand comes away bloody. Guess someone sure tried some kind of brain transplant.

"I'm terribly sorry, Spike." Oh god, don't shout. I think my head's going to split. "I didn't mean to hit you so hard." I finally recognise the voice of Giles, and try to open my eyes. At first everything is blurred. Luckily for me I'm a vampire, because I think Giles split my skull open. Well, that's what it feels like.

"What happened?" I asked. The last thing that comes to mind is lying in my crypt with my Childe curled around me. "Why the hell did you hit me?" I manage to sit up. Yep, I'm at Giles's house. How did I get here? Did Angel bring me? There's a thought. Where is Angel? "Angel?" I ask.

I work myself around so I am now sitting on the couch. Giles hands me a wet cloth and I press it to my head. That feels a little better. Whiskey would help a lot more. "Where's Angel?" I enquire again. Did something happen to my Childe?

"You don't remember?" questions Red. I notice her for the first time. I also notice they both have these strange looks on their faces. It's like they're afraid of me again. It's not like I can hurt them. I have the chip.

"Remember what?" I look at Red and then Giles. What the hell is going on? And where is Angel? I try and reach for my Childe through the bond. It makes my head hurt even more, so I stop. Still, he was here. I can smell him. His lingering scent smells funny somehow. It smell of... fear? Giles wanders off and comes back with a glass of whiskey.

"Here, drink this." I swallow it straight, and wait for them to tell me what the hell is happening. "It seems you had a spell cast on you, Spike."

"It was a hypnotic spell," interrupts Red. "Very strong one too. It took a lot out of me to break it." She stops when Giles looks disapprovingly at her. He's never liked being interrupted. "Sorry."

"Well, Willow is right. Whoever did this spell really knows you well Spike. They worked on your innermost fears and hatred. They brought them forward from that dark place and directed them at..."

"At who?" What are they going on about?

"Well. They made you remember your past and return the favour, so to speak." Oh, god. No. He can't mean that. He's lying. I would know. Oh, god. No. I jump up, startling them both, and start to pace. My shaking hands trying to find a fag. I need one now. Finally I find one, but then I can't get the bloody lighter to work. Giles takes the lighter from my trembling hands and lights it. I've never seen the look that is on his face before. One of total sorrow and pity. Oh, god, what did I do?

"Angel." I whisper. "I turned on Angel."

"I think you really hurt him, Spike." Red answers. Oh, god. If she says that I must have near killed him... No, this can't be happening. Angel's going to walk through that door just fine. This is a sick joke. Please, let it be a sick joke.

"What did I do, Giles?" I ask him straight because I know he'll tell me. He looks over to Willow, and she goes into the kitchen. Oh, god. Giles turns to me. His face is hard. He knows what I did.

"You beat him pretty badly, Spike." He takes off his glasses and cleans them. Oh god, it's bad. "From what I could see he's got broken ribs, maybe other fractures. Masses of deep bruising and lacerations. He's got a slight limp - that I assume came from you raping him." Please, stop. "He's coughing blood, so there is some lung damage. I think there are internal injures since he drank all the blood I had and still he wasn't healing very quickly."

"Why was he here?" I choke. I think I'm going to throw up.

"You sent him to his victims to be punished. He begged me to punish him. Told me he had to stay on his knees begging me until I did. You know what, Spike? He begged me to kill him." Giles walks away from me and gets himself a glass of whiskey. Oh god, I wish he would just stake me. I've destroyed my Childe. I gave him back what Angelus did to me. I punished - tortured to near death - the wrong person.

"Where is he?" I touch my face. It feels strange. When I look at my fingers they are wet with tears.

"You came here looking for him. Threatened to scar him, cut his eyes out. He ran away."

"Then why aren't you out there looking for him!" I scream.

"We are. While Willow and I broke your spell, I sent the others out searching for him. It's nearly dawn now, and they haven't found him."

"He'll kill himself." I choke. It's hard to talk while you're sobbing as well.

"Yes. He might." How can Giles be so calm? My Childe is out there. Thinking I hate him. Thinking I'm going to do to him what Angelus did to me. With all the angst, self-hatred and guilt Angel carries with him, I know that's what he's planning. Giles sits down and rubs his face. "Maybe it's for the best - for him."

"No! I won't let him... I..." I suddenly remember something. My dream. My dream with.. "Darla."

Angel's POV:

I can't run anymore. I'm too exhausted. I know I'm not healing right. I think my stomach's ruptured. Still, it doesn't matter. This will be over soon. I have no idea where I am going. Before I know it, I've run to the mansion. The mansion where I tortured Spike in that wheelchair. Where I destroyed Drusilla's love for him. Where I tried to end the world. Maybe it's only fitting that I end my life here. That here is where I will greet the sun.

I walk into the small garden. I can smell night-blooming jasmine. I think that should be important to me, somehow. Can't remember why. My head hurts too much. I just want it to end. I don't want to think anymore. I don't want to remember. I walk into the main hall. It's just the same as I left it. Just has more dust and dirt. I came back from hell here. It's only fitting that I go back here. It's only seconds away from dawn. Seconds to my death. I'm sorry I couldn't give you peace, Spike. I'm sorry for what I did.

I turn to face the open doors and the coming sun. Uh? What the hell? I step back. My eyes rest on a statue in the centre of the room. I didn't notice it before. It's one I recognise. Acathla.

"Hello, my darling boy." This can't be. It's impossible. Two minions grab me by the arms and drag me forward. I can't fight. I don't have the strength or will. Large curtains are drawn, cutting off the coming sun. I am brought forward and pushed to my knees before the woman that used to be my Sire. Darla.

"How..." I choke out. Blood fills my mouth again from my lungs and I spit it out. She laughs.

"Looks like your new Sire did quite a number on you."

"How... ?" I manage again. That's all I can seem to say. How did she know that? How did she know about Spike and me? How did she know about what happened at Spike's crypt?

She runs her hand through my blood-matted hair. "You're wondering how I came to be here. Aren't you, my darling boy? That's the whole problem, you see. You aren't mine any longer." She slaps my face and I spit more blood. I’m becoming a bit alarmed about that.

"Do you remember Vocah and that box, Angel?" I can only nod. I'm too weak to do much more. "They raised me in that box, Angel. I was brought from hell by Wolfram and Hart to destroy you." She laughs at my amazement. "They even brought me back as human. Still, I was useless to them, wasn't I? You were human. They let me go; sent me out into the world to die. Luckily, that lawyer who you cut the hand off - Lindsey - he liked me. In the end he found Drusilla and she turned me back." Darla was human? She had a soul, and then she killed it. No matter how much I hated her I will pity her for that. She could have understood me with a soul. Knew what I felt like. Still, no longer - it's dead just like she is.

"You know, even Dru deserted me. When we discovered that you had been turned again. By William, no less. She starts screaming about how her Daddy is dead. So she ran off, and I haven't seen her since. So, what do I end up with? Nothing! I have nothing. I don't have Dru, and I don't have my darling boy. I have nothing!" She's screaming now. I can hear her insanity - her pain.

"So, now I am going to finish what my darling boy started." She moves over to the statue and leans against it. She can't mean that. Surely she doesn't want to drag the world into hell? "Now ever body is going to suffer my pain." Oh, god she's insane.

She has done a good job of putting Acathla back together. Giles and the others smashed it to pieces and buried it out in the garden. Now it's been carefully restored. Pieces are still missing, but the main bulk is there. I think there is enough of him left to open the portal again. I just hope she doesn't know how.

"Did you have a nice time with Spike, my darling boy?" She touches my face again, and I withdraw from her touch. She reminds me how different she is from my new sire. How wrong she feels.

"What?"

"I had to make sure you were separated from him. I had to destroy that little bond you share. The love." She spits out the last word as if it's holy water on her tongue. "He loves you. Did you know that? Thinks you're not Angelus. He was really hurt when I told him who you were. You should have seen his face. It was priceless. So much hurt. So much anguish." She kisses the blood from my lips. I can feel my eyes fill with tears. I don't care anymore. I've had enough. I want this to end. I am too hurt, too injured to fight anymore.

"Please end this... " I beg of her. Beg of my once Sire. She, who's damned me for a second time.

"Soon, my dear boy, soon."

Spike's POV:

Everyone returned back to Giles' house as soon as dawn comes. Thought a second or two about greeting it in person. I thought about what I had done to my Childe. I don't remember it - although I still did it. I still hurt him. Willow says I might never remember. That it was the deepest, darkest part of my demon that was brought forth. It doesn't matter. Angel knows. Angel remembers what happened.

Still, I don't greet the dawn. With my returning sanity, I also managed to access that bond between us. The bond of Sire and Childe. I didn't greet the dawn because I felt Angel was still alive. For whatever reason, he still lived - well, he was still un-alive, if you want to be technical. It gives me a chance. A chance to prove... To prove what? To prove I hated him. It's true, I did. Before, he became my Childe. I did want to punish him for what Angelus did. Until I discovered he wasn't the demon any longer. Looks like I didn't entirely believe that. Deep down - deep down in that dark place - the demon resisted and I still doubted him. Now I've done exactly what he feared all along. I used his love against him. I've become the monster he was, and now he's become me. Talk about reversing roles. God, this is giving me another headache. Okay, let's do a simple plan, I'm sure I can do that. Right, plan 1 - find Angel.

I return my attention to the Scooby meeting going on around me. Giles gave them an extremely edited revision of what happened between Angel and myself. I didn't say anything. I saw in their eyes that they sort of guessed that he had left a lot out. Everyone then gave a rundown of where they checked. Looks like they covered nearly all the town and the woods. He couldn't have gotten too far. Not with the amount of injuries he sustained. Xander is the last to speak. He checked the Deli, coffee bar, Bronze, convenience store. Yeah, I can see Angel running to those places - not!

Xander stuffs a chocolate bar in his mouth and tries to talk again around it. "Oh, and Buffy, I checked out the Mansion because, well you know.” I guess he meant because she has bad memories of the place - she's not the only one. “In any case, there's someone living there now, so I didn't get a good look." Xander goes back to eating.

"Are you a complete idiot?" I scream. They all jump back as I pace the room in game face. "Humans wouldn't live there: for starters it doesn’t have all the facilities..."

"Tell me about it," comments Buffy with a little blush.

"Only vampires would take that place. Then, only an idiot vampire would go there. It was once Angelus' lair. They wouldn't...." I trail off. There would be one person who would have the gall to take it. "Darla."

"Darla? Darla's dead Spike, if you've, forgotten I was there. I saw Angel kill her." I turn to Buffy.

"Then she's back, I don't care how. I saw her in my dream. She's the only one who would dare claim Angelus' lair. Now she has Angel."

"Angel would go there?" asks Red. "I thought he hated it." Sweet Willow. Liking the girl more and more. Maybe I should ask her for a threesome?

"He does, but I made him remember the past." I'm a complete idiot. Why didn't I think of that? Leave it to Xander to find Angel. Even I couldn't complete that simple plan. Bloody hell, now I'm feeling sorry for myself. Soon I'll be brooding. Angel does enough of that for everyone. Angel... I wish he were here now. I wish he were here to brood at me; at least he'd be safe. "I think I made Angel remember what he did as Angelus in that place. He would see it as fitting to die there."

"Oh dear... " murmurs Giles. He's got this strange look on his face, and starts cleaning his glasses. I'm not liking this. "Oh, dear... "

"Bloody hell mate, just spit it out!"

"You said Cordelia's vision was about the possible end of the world?"

"Yeah, what of it?"

"Well. I think I know who the demon is. I think she saw Acathla in her vision." I grab a fag and light it. Not again. Why do all the insane types think it's a good idea to drag the world into hell? I mean, you can't do anything fun then.

Buffy jumps up. "They can't! Giles, you said you destroyed it so Angel couldn't open it again."

"Angel isn't the one trying to open it, ya stupid bint." I growl back. "Darla is."

"Darla's dead!"

"Children, please!" interrupts Giles. Who's he calling a kid? I’ll have you know I'm well over 130 years old. Well, more like 120-odd. Can't remember the exact date. I was fighting for my life at the time. "Whoever is raising Acathla would need Angel. We have to assume they have him. We also have to assume that Acathla has been pieced together enough to still work."

"You're not killing my Childe!" I shout at them.

"Spike! If the portal opens, you can't stop me!" Buffy growls back. I'm sure she's picking that up from me. Still, I'm not about to let Angel die. Not now. Not after all the time, effort and *yuck* love I put into him. Still have plans for him; got rules to write.

"Then just make sure you get there in time!" Shouts Red over both of us. Both Buffy and I shut up and sit back down again. I never dreamed I would be defending Angel from her. It was always the other way around.

"Willow is right. We're wasting time." Giles grabs some books and hands them to Willow. "Willow, Xander, I need you to find a way for us to close the portal if something happens to Angel."

"He's not going to die," I murmur. Giles looks at me, but continues.

"Buffy, Riley and Spike, I think it's best you try and check out the mansion, see if you can get Angel out."

I can't believe the watcher is working out a rescue plan for Angel. He has more grudges against Angel than any of them, and therefore more reasons to hate him. Yet, when given the opportunity to punish Angel, he didn't. I think I'm going to trust him on this. I'll follow his plan. If I see Buffy trying to hurt Angel though, I swear, chip or not, I'll kill her.

We travel by sewer to the mansion because it's like day and I have a little problem with combustion. Ash won't save Angel. None of us speak as we walk. Buffy's thinking about saving the world. Riley's just here because he follows Buffy. Me, I just want my Childe back. Not for silly sentimental reasons. It's just that he's mine, and I intend to keep what's mine - nothing more.

Luckily for everyone, I know the tunnels under the mansion pretty damn well. Used them to sneak out on Angelus when I recovered the use of my legs. I bring us out into an old unused cellar. Then, up into the back rooms behind the main hall. There is an old peeking hole in the walls, which we can use to see into the main room. Hopefully we can work out what condition Angel's in. Buffy is surprised about the secret spy hole, but doesn't say anything. We both crouch down and look while Riley stands guard.

Inside the main hall, I can see a dozen or so minions; looks like Darla's got herself a little army. Moving across, I spot in the middle of the room what remains of the statue demon - Acathla. Someone's spent time and effort putting him back together again. The watcher was right. Parts are missing, but the main bulk is still there. I'm thinking he'll still work. Then, on the far wall, I spot Angel. He's chained to the wall, but he as enough length to enable him to lie on the floor. I shiver at the sight of him. I feel something break inside me. I did that. I beat him into a bloody pulp. I can't see all his injuries, but I can feel each and every one of them. This close to him, I can also feel that he's dying. He's not healing from my torture. Instead of absorbing blood like vampires do - he’s losing it. Vampire can turn to dust from blood loss, hence the problem I had when I experienced the out of body sensation. If I had taken too much from Angel then, he would have turned to dust.

"Spike!" Hisses Buffy. I realise then that I've started growling. I'm deep in game face. I try and control myself. The Sire part of me wants to kill who did this to my Childe. Unfortunately I can't ever do that. It was I who did this. All I can do now is save him. Suddenly, a woman walks into view and crouches before Angel. Darla!

"She's dead!" Buffy whines. "I saw her!" This time I tell her to be quiet. Vampire hearing is damn good, and I can't risk being found yet. We have to find out what Darla's planning. We need reinforcements. I have some suspicions about Darla. I know from living in LA for three months that Wolfram and Hart would do anything to turn Angel evil. Maybe they did this. Still, she would have no control over Angel, because he's now my Childe.

We watch as Darla talks to Angel and rubs her hands over his naked chest. Oh yeah, she has to die now. Bitch is touching what belongs to me and me alone. We can't hear her talking - not even me, because she's whispering to him too low. Whatever she's saying is getting him scared. He's trying to push her away; to stop her hands. Oh, shit. She's covering herself in Angel;s blood.

"We have to move now!" I shout at Buffy, and pull her up. I don't care if they hear us now. We don't have time anymore.

"Spike, what are you doing?" she hisses at me. "We have to get back and tell Giles. We need help; you saw how many minions there are."

"Don't you get it? Darla's going to open the portal now!" Her face suddenly pales, and I push her away from me. I look around for any weapon I can use. In one corner I spot a broken chair. Perfect wood. I break off a couple of stakes and prepare to fight. Buffy sees there is no use in arguing, and pulls out her own stake. Riley pulls out a gun? Oh, it's one of those stun gun thingies. Oh god, we have no hope!

"Okay, let's do this." commands Buffy, and I can see her change from young college student to longest living slayer. Well, maybe we have a little hope. We burst into the main hall and start tackling the first row of minions. Buffy and Riley fight well, but my concern is more about getting to Angel and Darla. I see out the corner of my eye when Darla jumps up and starts shouting obscenities at us.

I know I have to stop her from getting to that statue. I put all my new strength into getting to her. There are so many minions, however, and it's slow work. Through a sea of flying ash I see her kick Angel and start towards the statue. No! Buffy is fighting with all her strength too, but it's not enough. We don't have time.

"No!" I scream at Darla in fury.

"You did wonderful work, William!" Darla shouts back. "You sent him directly into my hands." She laughs and reaches out for the sword sticking out of Acathla's chest. I have to get to her. I have to stop this. I have... It seems I have run out of time. When the last minions burst into dust I watch with stunned eyes as Darla draws out the sword. As Darla opens the gates of hell.

"No!" Screams Buffy. She charges across the room and tries to tackle Darla to the ground. She forgets that Darla is a 400-year-old vampire who's been to hell and back. (I know that in reality she’s only a few months, but she smells strong. In fact maybe even stronger than I knew her before.) Buffy forgets that Darla's just opened the gate to hell and is feeling pretty damn good about herself. She backhands Buffy with a force that would have broken a human neck. Buffy is sent flying across the room, hits the wall, and collapses unconscious on the floor. Next, Riley has a go, but he has even less hope. He lands not far from his lover. Me. I'm not so stupid as to attack her straight on. I know Darla. I know she's a crazy, evil, scheming bitch. I also know how to stop her.

"Hello, Spikey," Darla drawls at me. She twists the sword in her hand and giggles. "Little late, aren't you? Looks like you broke my spell. Fun, wasn't it? You should have seen Angel's face. You destroyed him more than I ever could. He actually loved you, and you betrayed him. It was a pleasure to watch." She continues with her laughing and dancing around. She's totally lost it. Behind her, I see Acathla begin to awaken. His mouth starts to open. I don't have long. Gotta plan, and I hope it works.

"I still have something you could never have." She turns and looks at me. Her eyes are wide in question. Looks like I've got her attention. "I have things he never gave you."

"What? What do you mean?" I can hear the jealousy in her voice. I know that Darla always loved Angelus. Something that cold, hard demon could never feel in return. Angelus was incapable of feeling, incapable of love.

I smile at her and walk over to Angel. He's in a bad shape, but I can't help him just yet. I kneel down and touch his hair. He flinches away from me. Oh, please Angel, trust me just this once. It's all I ask. Please. Please hear me through this bond. Please... Suddenly Angel looks up at me with watery brown eyes. His nose is bleeding and blood is still coming up from his lungs. I want to hold him. Tell him how sorry I am, but I can't. I have to work on Darla first. I need her to give me a chance to get close. I slip a stake into my jacket sleeve and touch Angel again. This time he doesn't move. Did he hear me through the bond?

"Angel belongs to me now. He gives his submission freely. I claimed him. Something he would never give you." I look over and I can see Darla begin to seethe. I can see the jealously and hatred flaring like fires in her eyes. I quickly check Acathla again. Now a light is beginning to glow from the depths of his mouth. I touch Angel's throat and bare the scar I made. "I marked him as mine. Did you know he gets off when I bite him? Put my name on him too. He lay there willingly as I cut into his perfect skin and poured the ink in."

"Lair!" She screeches. She gets closer to me and her sword falls forgotten to the floor. It's working! She's doing what I want her to do. I can't believe an actual plan of mine is working! Bloody hell, I'll have to write this down or something. Make a record. Oh damn. I have to get back in the moment. I have to get Darla closer.

"He let me lay him out, too. Took his virginity and made him mine. He even calls me Sire. Gets down on his knees and sucks me off willingly. He welcomes me into his body. He's willing and even begging me to fuck him." I don't need to look up to see Darla standing fuming over us. I touch Angel's face and he leans into my hand. I can feel him shiver under my touch. I can feel his fear, but at least he understands what I am trying to do. "Never called you Sire, did he Darla? Never let you claim him. Well, he was begging me to." Finally Darla cracks.

"Liar! Lair!" She screams. She attacks me with nails and fangs. Silly bint dropped the sword! In one swift movement, the stake slides forward into my hand and I push my arm up, shoving the wood straight into her chest. She actually has time to look surprised as it penetrates her heart. Seconds later, she's ash drifting onto the floor.

"Angel!" I cry out. Darla's passing is quickly forgotten as I turned to the reason I came here. I break open his chains and try to pull him to me. With a sudden show of strength, Angel manages to shove me away. He scuttles away from me as fast as he possible can. His arm clutches his broken ribs and his legs are shaking. "Angel?" I back away.

"Don't..." He tries to talk but he's coughing up more and more blood. I try and reach for him again, but he struggles to get further away. Away towards... Acathla. In my need to get to my Childe, I had forgotten about the demon. The portal is now growing in size with each passing second. Soon it's going to be as tall as a man is. As tall as Angel. No.. He can't be thinking that.

"Angel, don't you dare move!" I yell. He looks at me, but still tries to drag his broken body towards the portal.

"I have to..." He weeps. "It's the only way... My blood..."

"Damn it, Angel! I won't let you go. I refuse to. You're mine!" Angel looks into the portal and then back to me. "Please, Angel!"

"I deserve it." Tears are running down his face. Oh god, I did this.

"Oh no, you don't. I am your bloody Sire! You will obey me. Get over here this instant!". At first I don't think he's going to do as I say. His beating has destroyed the trust between us. Almost destroyed the bond. Angel stops moving. He looks from me, to the portal, and back again. Please, Angel. We don't have time. Angel doesn't move, instead he just collapses back down on the floor again.

"I'm so tired, Sire," he whispers. I run over to him and gather him in my arms. Next problem - the portal. Not far from me is the sword Darla dropped in her jealously. I grab hold of it and rub Angel's blood along the blade. I hope this works. I don't have to cut him, he's bleeding enough as it is. I pull away from him and with my best throw I send the sword flying into the gaping portal. There is a dull thud as the sword connects. At first nothing happens, but then to my extreme relief the portal begins to close.

I collapse back down on the floor next to Angel. He watches me with dark eyes. Dare I touch him? I have to - I need to feel my Childe near me. I don't care what he's thinking. I reach across the floor and gather him in my arms. I soothe his back as he cries into my chest, soaking my T-shirt. At this moment I don't care about anything but the fact he is here with me. My Childe still lives. Still lives and is allowing me to comfort him. For the first time since I was turned, I allow myself to feel this emotional stuff. I try and pass on my joy of at his being in one piece to Angel through the bond. I try and tell him that I still love him. I know I don't say it out loud. It's just not me. I'm the big bad. The strong one. The one that doesn't break. I won't break. Oh, fucking hell!

"I love you, Childe." I whisper into his ear. Don't think I'm going to say it again, because I won't. In fact, you can forget I ever said it. I'm delirious, that's what it is. Nothing more. Still, Angel actually moves deeper into my embrace, and I don't let him go.

Angel's POV:

I never thought I would have this feeling ever again. I never thought I could feel safe again. I do, however, in the embrace of my Sire. It's strange that he could beat me, torture me, and still feel like home. I know he was under a spell; I understand that now. Darla told me how she brought out his darker side. That part that still hated his Sire. The part that still saw me as Angelus. I understand that, I really do. It doesn't mean that it will stop hurting, though.

Buffy found me and Spike wrapped around each other and the portal to hell closed. She didn't say anything, just smiled at us. I'm glad she's moved on and can accept that I have too. At this moment I don't know where I have moved on to. Can I still be with Spike - my Sire - and forget the past? Forget his torture? We watch in silence as Buffy pulverises the statue of Acathla. Nobody will ever put him back together again. After she's finished, she helps Spike carry me back to Giles's place.

Back there the humans have a hard time cleaning me up. Spike growls, snaps and bares fangs at anyone that comes near me. Willow was a great help with the healing. She found a healing spell that stopped me coughing up the blood, which was nice. Another surprise was Buffy. I never expected her to ever offer again, but she allowed me to bite her. To take a little of her powerful slayer blood. The hardest part was convincing Spike to allow her to do so. He was spitting mad. In the end, he wrapped himself around me and glared at her while I drank from her wrist.

It was almost laughable at how possessive Spike was acting. No one said anything because Spike would never admit it. I bet he was in denial mode all the way through it. Trying to convince himself of the reasons why he did or didn't do something. He never accepts the truth. I think I know. I think it's because he loves me. Love is a word Spike avoids at all possible cost. He would drink holy water rather than admit that he loves. He's been hurt too much, and it's too important to him. He doesn't realise that everything he does is because of love.

Still, everything isn't right between us. I am healing nicely but I still tremble when he touches me. I still remember flashes of what happened. I know Spike doesn't. He can't reach those memories. He begged Willow to cast a spell to make him remember. She refused. I am glad she did. I don't want him to know. I don't want his love to be about pity and guilt that he abused me like Angelus did to him. I don't want our relationship based on those things. I don't know where I stand with him now. I don't know how I feel. I need time. Space.

When I told Spike that I was going home alone, I could swear he had a heart attack. I could feel his pain through the bond. I told him that I need to think things through. “Brood, you mean,” he said. Still, he let me go. He let me leave. I cried when I got back to LA. Curled up on my bed alone. I cried for what he had done. For the pain he caused me. Cried and realised that it wasn't Spike who did it. That I was the weak one. Where Spike could accept that I was not Angelus, I couldn't accept that wasn't Spike the one who had tortured me.

A week passed without Spike, and I was alone again in the world. Cordelia and Wesley noticed the changes. They noticed that I was cold inside and couldn't bring myself to care about anything anymore. Something is missing in my life and I have come to realise that I need Spike with me. I need my Sire. I need his constant nagging, his arguments, his control, his anger and his love. Even if I hate his power over me with a fiery passion, I still need him. I still love him.

Spike's POV:

Been doing a lot of thinking on my own - in my crypt. Alone. No childe to keep me company. Decided that this has gone on long enough. Been pretty miserable, and I've decided that it's Angel's fault. Yep. Everything is his fault. Damn him. I don't need him. I don't love him. I don't need him to keep me warm at night. I don't need his arms around me as I sleep. I don't need to hear him screaming my name - Sire - when he comes. Nope. Don't need him at all.

He wanted to go off alone to think about things, and that's fine by me. I need the space. I need time to myself. Time in my little, dirty eww... smelly crypt. Er... with no bed, just a mattress... eww... is that a cockroach? All by myself. Not lonely, no... Time for a plan.

Oh, yeah. Time to plan how to get my Childe back. Going to need Red's help first. Then I've got to get him just at the right time... Mmm... Plan 1. Enough of this fucking thinking crap; I'm going back to claim my Childe. Plan 2. End Angel's bloody brooding. Plan 3. First I need a way to get to LA because I left my damn car there.

Okay. Managed to fulfil most of my plans. I got to LA to find Angel not in the hotel where I expected him. I was immensely surprised when Wesley and Cordelia actually looked happy to see me. From the sound of it, Angel hasn't been faring well without me either. Well, I'm going to solve that problem soon too. I took the watcher's car and found Angel where they said he likes to brood lately. On the beach, would you believe it? He knows I'm here because this bond allows me to find him in seconds. Still, I take it as a good sign when he doesn't try and run from me when I do reach him.

Angel looks up from his seat in the sand. He's so beautiful in the moonlight. I'm so amazed he's mine. Suddenly my plans leave me when I see his eyes. Such sad eyes. Filled with pain. This is a good idea? Does Angel need me to claim him back? We don't speak and I flop down beside him and grab a fag. I offer him one, and of course he refuses. Smoking isn't acceptable anymore. Tough, I'm evil. So here we are, Sire and Childe sitting in silence.

"I'm sorry for what..." I start. Angel stiffens next to me and his eyes change from sad to angry.

"No, Sire. You didn't do that."

"I did, Angel. I don't have any excuse. No matter what part of me did it - I am still that demon." Nowhere in my plans did I decide to apologise to him. I guess I didn't want to admit to the guilt. Still don't.

"No, Spike, it wasn't!" Angel takes a deep breath and tries to calm himself. "It wasn't you. If you can accept that I am not Angelus - not the evil vicious demon I was before - then you have to accept that you weren't the one that hurt me. It was part of a spell. It wasn't real." I stare at him and he's silent.

"How did you get so wise?"

"Always was." I laugh and for the first time in so long Angel smiles. It’s breathtaking too. God, I want to kiss him.

"I still love you, Sire," Angel whispers. His voice is low and submissive again. Almost like it's hard for him to say it. I can understand that. It's hard for me too. "I understand, you now. I can see how you could look at me and still love me. Even though I was Angelus, after all I did, you still love me." His voice is amazed and he's a little embarrassed about sharing his deep emotions. It's surprising that he can trust me again to ever tell me. Especially after they were thrown in his face.

"I asked Red for the memories, you know that?"

"I know. She told me she had refused. I don't want our lives to be based on abusing and hurting each other. We've done that before. It didn't work." Angel picks up a stray stone and throws it into the ocean. We're silent again. Uncomfortable. It's strange, we had almost gotten over this stage before going to Sunnydale. We were on the way - can I admit it? - to being friends. Suddenly I remember my next plan. Out of my pocket I pull out a little book Red made for me. I hand it to Angel.

"What's this?" He turns it over and in the moonlight reads the title. "Angel's Sire's Rule book." He looks astonished at the little book and flips it open. He flicks through the pages of neatly printed script until the end. "Spike, there are 136 rules in here!"

"Red left enough space for more, too. You know, it's just in case you forget." I want to laugh. His face is a picture of shock, horror and bewilderment.

"Sire, I'm not following all these rules. I might want you. I might love you but..."

"Yeah, yeah. You still don't like me controlling you. Siring you. Pushing you around. Making you stop brooding. Suggesting colours. Taking you out. I know. Well, tough!" I take a deep drag of my fag and grin at him.

"It's printed wrong." Angel gives a little laugh. God, he's sexy when he does that. "Number one is missing. It starts at number two, which says: Always remember rule number one." He's bewildered and lost for words as I start to giggle. What? I mean laugh. The big bad doesn't giggle!

"It's on a post-it note on the first page. I refuse to have it permanently written down. You are just going to have it remembered like rule number two says." Angel flicks through the book until he's discovered the yellow post-it note. He struggles to read my scribbled writing and I hit his arm.

"Rule number one: Spike loves Angel. Angel loves Spike." I think he's going to start choking. Nope, he's laughing. Wow, a smile and a laugh - however will he live it down? I slap his arm again and he looks at me.

"Right, enough of this emotional crap. Don't you ever forget it though. Now eat the note." He gapes at me.

"I'm not eating paper Sp.. Sire."

"You have to, it's part of my plan." Angel gives me a funny look. "Okay forget the plan, now give it." I grab the paper from his fingers and carefully set it on fire. There is no way I'm having proof of those words anywhere. Spike doesn't ever say the *L* word, okay? You start spouting it everywhere, because then things start to go wrong. Like your lover leaves you for a Chaos demon or whatever he was.

"I like your plans." Now Angel's got me looking bewildered. Since when? He hates my plans. Especially that one time I took him to a gay bar. Okay, I didn't know it was one to start off with. Men made passes at him all night. Pissed me off to no end.

"Since when?" I huff.

"This plan. Tonight. What was it?"

"First get you back, and then shag you silly in the surf."

"It's a good plan."

"It was going to work too."

"I was planning on it."



Continued In Reversed Roles 2.1: Coming Home